Category: Married to a Narcissist

Narcissists Keep You in Fight or Flight Mode

Male or female spouses of narcissists are under constant stress They don’t recognize the beating their nervous systems are taking. The pressure to have a perfect image that the narcissistic spouse puts on his partner is extreme. If one hair is out of place or a few extra pounds have accumulated there will be disgust on. The face of the narcissist. Often a tirade will follow–an out of control screaming bot of long duration,pointing out all of your mistakes,character deficits and your lack of intelligence—more plainly,calling you stupid and worth. The narcissist can pivot quickly and become charming and giving as if the previous dressing down never took place. You start to relax and let down You say to yourself. “Maybe this person loves me. I must be more tolerant and giving.”

Soon the mood switches and we experience the horrid dark side of the narcissist ,raging again. As long as you are married or involved closely with a narcissist you will be in survival mode.

Many spouses reach a point of no return,recognizing that they are hurting themselves by staying with the NPD. They make a plan and sever the relationship even if it means very hard work  Once they are freed up they embrace life with their own perspective. They answer to themselves and thrive using many creative gifts left in storage. They discover that there are individuals who appreciate their authenticity

Their lives are re-ignited with hope and new life visions.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Healing from Narcissistic Spouse–Resurrect Your Life

If you are married to a narcissistic spouse this person has stolen too much of your life. The hours, days, months, years and decades add up quickly and the psychological and emotional pain of living with one of these impossible, psychopathological individuals takes its toll on you.

The narcissist is free and easy. Without a conscience, obsessed with self, the narcissist moves from one narcissistic supply to the other like a frenzied honey bee. (Honey bees are magnificent; they create one of nature’s greatest gifts–honey. )

Once you have broken free from the narcissist spouse and resumed regular breathing, the doors of your life open. Take time to rest and appreciate what you have accomplished. It is a great victory to leave the notorious narcissist behind. Don’t wait for an avenging angel to bring you justice.

Use the new more peaceful moments of your life to rebuild yourself on every level: physical strength, professional growth, rediscovery and use of your creative gifts, spending time alone to experience uninterrupted peace. Take time for yourself each day to quiet your mind whether this is formal meditation, prayer, reading poetry, journaling, listening to inspiring and calming music and any other activity that you choose. You are making decisions based on your needs and wants not on the demands of the narcissistic spouse.

Bring beauty into your life. Spend time with Nature—the great healer. Grow flowers and watch them bloom. Listen to the bees, the birds, the winds that blow across your face. Let Nature speak to you. Listen to your intuition. It is always present with us. Don’t override its messages.

If you have friends that have been left behind during the trials of marriage to a narcissist, reacquaint yourself with them–the keepers who are loyal and care deeply about you.

Practice self care. Eat and sleep well.  Exercise in the ways that you find pleasant. Make an effort to be consistent. As the days move forward, be patient with yourself. Healing does not move in a straight line. It is a complex process. We reach plateaus and feel like we are going nowhere. That is not true. Healing is catching up with itself.

Be spontaneous–laugh, sing, dance and be silly with a friend. Feel yourself lifted, lighter and freer.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Have Short Affection Spans

Narcissists love the ones’ they’re with. This can mean having several  romantic “relationships” at one time. Narcissists are restless beings–peripatetic–always off to the next thrill, excitement, big win, victory dance, grand party. They are thrill seekers in the human arena even if that means that they are dissembling your life.They are incapable of caring deeply; they cannot love. This is a central piece of them that is missing. A dark hole has invaded their heart and will remain there for the rest of their lives. Regardless of their professional accomplishments, the esteem in which others hold them, their financial thrust, they cannot be human. They are incapable of empathy of any kind. They are masters of pseudo empathy like fine method actors.

Once you identify the man or woman in your life as a narcissistic personality, know that this person is not going to change despite all of the over the top promises, intimidations, cajolings, gifts, guises and dramatic performances.

It is up to you to make a decision for your life. That’s what matters. You have the knowledge, strength and wisdom to unyoke yourself from the narcissist. You have many brothers and sisters in spirit who are waiting to hear and see your victory dance.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

You are Wiser than Narcissistic Spouse–Sever the Cord

Narcissists are clever at attempting to make us doubt our inner wisdom. They intimidate and tempt us at the same time. Those with narcissists are in a state of chronic apprehension. “What will he/she do next?” “What have I done wrong?” “Am I as stupid as he/she keeps telling me?”On the other side of the coin are what the narcissist brings to the table and offers us. For some there are financial benefits and lifestyle perks connected with being the spouse of a narcissist. He has no ambition limits (nor does the narcissistic  woman) . He knows exactly how to climb, with whom to become indispensable and whom he must get rid of that blocks his ruthless path.  The narcissist throws anyone overboard to attain his grandiose ambitions, including his so-called friends. These can be individuals whom he has known for years. He has no loyalty to anyone, including you.

Always remember, you are wiser than your narcissistic spouse. You will see many red flags and ignore a lot of them. You will hear the clear voice of intuition, telling you the truth about your narcissistic spouse. Pay attention to what you hear. It is telling you the truth. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled back in with his/her seductive offerings. They are designed to make you more dependent on him and to keep you from achieving your full personal and professional potential.

Once you know who this man/woman really is, create a step by step plan to extricate yourself from the relationship. Cut the cord. If you wait too long, you will become more entangled in his lies, insidious psychological traps and mind bending.

Acknowledge and own your wisdom. This is the key along with your intuition—the ace that you have been hiding at the bottom of your deck. Use it now and for the rest of your life. The more that you activate these gifts the more powerful they become. The narcissist is a weak coward, a false grandiose self, “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”  Develop a practice of stilling the mind. This can take any form that works for you. Make an effort each day. If you miss a day or weeks, return to your practice. This can be formal meditation, sitting and walking, writing each day spontaneously, working with plants in a garden or small space, sketching, painting, walking in a quiet place, doing gentle yoga movements with emphasis on breathing through the nose which calms the nervous system.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Don’t Stop Trying to Destroy Others

Narcissistic personalities have no psychological brakes. They have no sense of limits. If they want something and are compelled to go after it, they will pursue their goal even if it disrupts entire families, marriages, children, in-laws, etc. Narcissists are ego-driven not conscience driven. They don’t develop a full conscience. Their idea of right and wrong is based on whether they will get caught or not. When narcissists are crossed they become particularly vindictive and vengeful. If you are in the middle of a divorce they might call, text or email you 40 times a day or more to get your attention or to intimidate you.

They despise the happiness and peace of others. They are very restless people and determined to step over any number of “bodies” to reach their goal. If a male or female narcissist is sexually drawn to a married man or woman even if the spouse is their best friend, they will plunge into the liaison without blinking an eye. It is a thrill for them to have possession of this person whom they want with such passion. In the end they discard this person and move on to someone else.

Protect yourself from the narcissist by learning about them in detail and depth. Learn about your own vulnerabilities to them. Become so skilled that you can pick them out quickly no matter how attractive or irresistible they appear to be. You can become immune to these severely disordered individuals.

The narcissist is never going to change but you can and will. You will prevail by doing research, strengthening yourself psychologically and emotionally, paying close attention to your intuition and become more self entitled to a life of inner peace, the full use of your creativity and all of your other gifts.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Don’t Let Narcissist Get His Selfish Way

Narcissists are bullies that come in different styles. Some are socially sophisticated and make you feel torn inside out. Others are openly menacing and show their canine teeth. Concealed narcissists sabotage you with passive aggressive ploys, pretending they are humble and good.One way or another a narcissist will take advantage of you, even when he tells you he adores you and you are the most important person in his/her life.  Narcissists convince most people that they are telling the truth. Narcissists are chronic liars. The words rolling off of their tongues are designed to deceive you so they can get their way. They have no sense of limits, nor do they  have a conscience. Narcissists wear many masks and have multiple lives–many of them secret. Their moral compass is based on how much narcissistic supply they can get for themselves–image, money, power, social and business contacts, etc.

Narcissists go beyond the limit with people, causing tremendous emotional and psychological stress. This is particularly the case when it involves their spouses and children. Narcissists don’t care whether they hurt your feelings, demean you, humiliate you, make you feel sick or even put you in the hospital. With a narcissist you can never count on them to have empathy—ever. They effect a pseudo empathy which can be convincing. Once they get what they want they are back to their old ways of exploitation, duplicity and manipulation.

Many narcissists are like volcanoes–always in a state of endless blowing off rage. They are not like Old Faithful where you can time when the great steams will rise in the air. They are unpredictable which sets your nervous system on constant edge. Living with a narcissist you are always in the sympathetic nervous system —the fight or flight system of survival. Being the recipient of this kind of treatment puts you on constant edge, always waiting for the next vituperative eruption.

You can’t change the narcissist but you can change yourself. Recognize that you are a separate valuable human being. Develop practices that lead to calming your nervous system–gentle yoga, a form of meditation that works for you, listening to music, going to tai chi classes, doing cardiovascular exercises that lower stress and get your endorphins working and that strengthen your immune system. Develop a support system of people whom you can trust. They don’t have to understand the narcissist in your life but if they are truly empathetic they will help as they listen and care deeply about you. Do what you love–photography, sketching, writing each day with freedom and lack of judgment, spending time in Nature, gardening, cooking–whatever appeals to you and introduces beauty into your life.

If you are married to a narcissist it is possible that you will make the decision to divorce this person. Often it is impossible to live with this kind of psychopathology. If the narcissist is a mother, it may be necessary to sever the relationship and go no contact. This is your decision. Remember, now is the time to finally think about your own needs. You have never done this in your life before. Take very good care of yourself. You are entitled.

Get Out of Narcissistic Spouse’s Clutches

Some narcissists remind me of carnivorous creatures who are called ambush predators. They ingeniously use camouflage to blend into their environment. The stone fish lies on the ocean floor and takes on the look of a rock. Fish swim too close by him and are bitten and inflicted with deadly toxins.

The narcissist is filled with psychological toxins that are dangerous to everyone, especially those who are vulnerable to his charm, grandiose promises, fulfillment of old dreams of being adored and taken care of. It is difficult for many of us to acknowledge that we have been waiting to be rescued. As children many individuals are neglected, discarded, made scapegoats, and severely abused. It is not unusual when we look at these life histories to understand how someone can so easily become enraptured by a narcissistic personality and become trapped by leading his/her life not their own. The narcissist takes you as a possession. Everything belongs to him. He/she decides the trajectory of your life. I have seen very capable and accomplished women drop their creativity, talents and drive to seek and find a man who will take care of them in every way. They are willing to eclipse their lives because of these early deep psychological needs.

As time moves forward the spouse of the narcissist either deludes herself that she is very happy to be waited on and taken care of and have whatever she wants or she begins to recognize that she is trapped with a very demanding, overwhelming, enraged man who views her as his possession.

Those who wake up and realize that they are imprisoned and that their lives are eclipsed, have strong misgivings about their marriages to narcissists. The fairy tale has faded. It has become tawdry, painful –” full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” (Shakespeare, Macbeth) Recognizing that this person is controlling your life has hit you in the face. You know that you must get out of his/her clutches.

You deserve to lead a life that is free, creative, loving and unencumbered by the cruel delusions of narcissists. Find the help that you need. Some individuals free themselves in various ways: highly skilled psychotherapy, gentle yoga, regular exercise that works for you, times of solitude, finding your own creative pathway, meeting people whom you can trust and who are genuine and have empathy.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You Don’t Deserve Punishment from Narcissistic Spouse

Remember the old threat from years ago: ” If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about.” Those two sentences ring through the decades, spoken by mothers, fathers and spouses in so many different ways. When you are married to a narcissist, you have something very legitimate to cry about, scream about, rage about. As have I stated before and you know from real life experience, these individuals are impossible.

Children of narcissistic mothers are particularly vulnerable to marrying narcissistic men and women. Being punished is a daily routine in the narcissistic household. Whether it is covert–lying about you behind your back, subtly stripping away your self confidence, demeaning you in front of your siblings. The imprint of the psychological pain is always there. If you get out of line and express your true feelings, watch out–you can hear the words in your mind: “You’re going to get it.” After years under the roof of a severe narcissistic personality disorder starting as a small child, it is not unusual that you would believe that you are “bad” and deserve to be punished. You have internalized this false belief about yourself.

Years later, enter the charming narcissist filled with magnetism, high level confidence, success. He/she finds you irresistible and you believe it. Who wouldn’t. Very few people can ward off one of these brilliant method actors, especially when they have all their lights turned on.

Before very long you are married and ready to share the rest of your life with this person. The real self of the narcissist is carefully hidden at first but the day comes when his darkness reveals itself in all of its ugliness. The narcissist doesn’t make mistakes according him. He is impeccable. You are the one who is deficient. Whatever you create is imperfect and filled with flaws. You are inherently defective—That ‘s what the narcissist believes about you and screams at you frequently. You believe him because that is what you have been told all of your life. Deep down regardless of your accomplishments–personal, professional, creative–it doesn’t matter. You are an inadequate human being that cannot change. This is the message projected on you. The childhood and adult messages fuse and resonate and reinforce one another. So many children of narcissists who marry narcissists believe this about themselves. They suffer horrible emotional pain. Many of them finally start to search for answers and discover that they are married to a narcissistic personality and that their parent(s) is a narcissistic personality disorder. It all comes together. The puzzle has been solved. What is left is the healing. You can heal and restore the real genuine self that has been waiting for so many years to be loved and cared about.

Always know that you are entitled to be treated with respect and that you deserve to lead your life in inner freedom and to use all of your creative gifts and talents. Many spouses sever their relationship with the narcissistic spouse and find that they have begun to restore their lives. It is a process that requires patience with yourself and perseverance.  When you have a setback, don’t blame yourself. Remember you don’t deserve to be punished anymore by anyone. Find friends who have staying power. They will not abandon you in a crisis. They have deep compassion and the capacity to listen.

Part of the healing is to find out what creates relaxation and calmness inside of yourself. For some it is practices like gentle hatha yoga, walking or guided meditation, journaling, sketching, cooking, gardening, experiences with your animals,  listening to music. Take special moments for yourself in solitude each day. You deserve it. It is part of your new self care program.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.


Nightmare of Having Children with a Narcissistic Spouse

Marriage, especially these days, is usually not for life. It is not unusual for people to marry a second or third time. Divorce has become more prevalent in the last few decades. Many people have close partnerships and decide not to get married. These relationships are as deep and meaningful as those who are formally married.

Today we have an increasing number of narcissists in our population. The qualities of the narcissistic personality are highly prized and richly rewarded in many professions and found to be socially popular. They involved great charm, social magnetism, tremendous self confidence, well developed pseudo empathy, articulateness, the ability to schmooze a person in a very convincing way, a gift for taking charge as a leader. Narcissists are so pervasive today that it is not surprising that women and men are discovering them as likely marital partners. The narcissist can be irresistible. They know how to size you up. They are masters at seduction. Once they have decided that you are the one (of the moment of course) they fixate on you as the one that they adore. They buy you gifts, sweep you off your feet. They appear to read your mind, knowing what you want and desire. This occurs in the first stages of the seduction. It is living magic. You are mesmerized and out of your ordinary frame of reality.

Going through a divorce from a narcissist without having children is very painful and difficult. But when we have children that is a different matter. Having our children is forever. Every moment of our lives from then on will never be the same. We have brought individual lives into the world. We are responsible for them. . The same cannot be said about divorced wives or husbands. That is why, when divorce does strike couples with children, it is absolutely crucial for there to be proper Family Mediation Macclesfield so that the divorce is as clean as possible; for the sake of the children if nothing else.

I hear so many life stories of the dreadful nightmare of leading your life, sharing your children with a narcissistic spouse. When the marriage unravels, a decision is made to either stay with the narcissistic spouse or seeking a divorce. Those who stay with the narcissist have a tough road ahead. In some cases the spouse is gone much of the time due to their career. The primary parent is the one that raises the children. However, this is not always the case and the non-narcissistic spouse must cope with this very difficult situation that involves the lives of her/his children.

The cautionary tale here is to become highly informed about every trait of the narcissistic personality. Take you time to do the research. You don’t want to marry a narcissist if you can possibly avoid this. Once you are married and realize that your spouse is narcissistic, it is your decision to stay or leave. I strongly recommend that if you know that your partner is a narcissist, do not have children with this individual if you are informed. If you didn’t realized that you were having children with a narcissistic spouse, don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t have known who this person really was. When you discover the truth about the true nature of the narcissist, make a wise decision. Often this option is divorce. You will be sharing custody with the narcissistic parent. This is very challenging. Your children know how much you love them. That is the most powerful truth of all. It is possible to navigate the tough road, sharing custody with a narcissistic ex.

So if there is any way that you can avoid having a child with a narcissist, do it. Be pro-active. Arm yourself with the truth.

Pay Attention to Your Intuition Dealing with Narcissists

Intuition, a deep knowing that moves through us faster than a lightening strike is with us throughout our lives. This is one of the most valuable gifts we can develop as individuals. We are all capable of being intuitive. In some families it is encouraged; in others it remains unknown and unvalued. Seeking the truth and developing high levels of intuition are closely related to one another. Small children are highly intuitive. Even babies will cry when they feel someone around them whom they sense they cannot trust. I am not talking here about a stage of stranger anxiety.

When you are dealing with a narcissistic spouse and especially going through a divorce, intuition is your constant companion and source of wisdom. It moves so quickly that it can be dismissed easily or rationalized away. Learn to be receptive to the ways that your intuition is communicating with you. Some people hear a quiet voice that tells them what to do or say. Others will see something special in their mind’s eye. Some dream about what move to make next. Intuition is a source of wisdom. The more you use it, the greater its power and easier it is to access. It is part of our true nature. I have found that many people are not open to accepting this gift as a reality. Othersembrace their intuition and use it throughout their lives.

Intuition tells us when we are dealing with a narcissist. If we pay close attention we avoid entanglements with narcissists by listening to this source of truth. If we have been married to a narcissist and have made the decision to sever the relationship, using intuition puts us on the right pathway to freedom. It will help us through every single step. You will meet others who are very familiar with this gift. They are a source of comfort and reassurance. Intuition is more powerful than intellectual thought since it travels at greater speed and gets to the central truth instantaneously. Learn to be receptive to the inner messages that are speaking to you. Listen to these guides. They are  sources of protection, security, creativity and transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com