Narcissist’s Secret Envy

Narcissists, especially those who are highly successful, appear to glide smoothly through life, taking everything they can. They cheat people and get away with it, lie at every turn, manipulate everyone in their circle, especially family members, psychologically harm the most vulnerable around them and still are not brought to judgment. If they are very high level narcissists most of those who venerate these highly entitled individuals give them a pass despite all of the pain they cause others.

With all of their professional triumphs, constant adulation and financial success, narcissists secretly envy what they perceive they cannot have. Envy is a feeling of unease that becomes an obsession of coveting another’s success, possessions, public image and importance. People keep their envies secret. Narcissists would never share these feelings with anyone. We see this envy in their blood thirsty competitiveness. If they are worth hundreds of millions, they seek billionaire status like their brothers and sisters in this special enclave. Many narcissists are all about money. I have had the displeasure of sitting next to a high level narcissist at a dinner event. Besides a running litany of self, he spent most of the evening talking about money—his status and power, how clever he had been at acquiring money and his grandiose vision for accumulating larger sums and multitudes of material possessions. Conversations with narcissists are always one way streets—they do all of the talking and bragging. You cannot get in a word without being rude. If you manage a half sentence, they will interrupt you and move back to their favorite topic—themselves.

Narcissists secretly envy what they cannot have. On an unconscious level they know that they cannot ever have an authentic relationship with anyone, even their own children. This obsessive need is played out in their chronic restlessness and frenetic acrobatics from one relationship to another. Narcissists crowd their lives with constant activity that will bring them an abundance of narcissistic supplies, particularly praise and adulation. Envy fuels the narcissist’s rage. If he loses an important contract that is feeding his narcissism or is overlooked for a power position he has prized, the narcissist flies into a fury. He despises and envies the individual who bettered him. The narcissist doesn’t have any real relationships. Empty, shallow and alone, he leads a counterfeit life, unable to create a warm meaningful connection with anyone.

Having people in our lives whom we can count on and care about us deeply, have our welfare uppermost in their minds and are supportive of our growth as individuals is invaluable—worth more than every possession, material acquisition and accolade that the narcissist ever received. His/her world is delusional and inauthentic.

Your daily life is a testimony to your personal healing and growth, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually in the way that you define this. As you leave the narcissist behind feel your heart open, sense your creative juices flowing and be grateful to yourself for all of your hard work done with great integrity.

Rising Strong and Steady After Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

You have spent years denying that you were married to a narcissistic personality. Don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t have known. You were serious about building and preserving your marital union. You tried so hard. It seemed to work for a while. Then the narcissist became “very difficult”–well, Impossible. and blamed you for everything that went wrong in his/her life. Narcissists only care about themselves. Everyone else including spouses and children are living narcissistic supplies that will get them to their goals of ultimate control and winning.

Now that you know that you were married to a narcissist and have gone through the painful divorce process, your life is beginning anew. It is a very rough ride for many toward recovery. You are exhausted from the marriage wars and the divorce hand to hand combat that in some cases goes on for years. You feel beaten up but you have won back your life. Take time for yourself to rest and recover. Don’t pay attention to anyone who is telling you to “Get over it.” Forget them. Pay attention to what your deep inner self iss saying to you.  “Take it slowly. Be kind to yourself. Rest and repose and quiet. Enjoy those whom you can trust and with whom you feel the most authentic. They have you back.” .

Heal at your pace. Honor your individuality. You are healing on every level-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

Develop routines that focus on your healing each day. Put yourself first!!!!!.  Don’t be judgmental. Be kind to yourself. Take time to be alone and quiet with yourself. You may want to meditate or write in a journal. Listening to soothing music lifts us out of obsessional thought and feeling patterns and brings us into a positive state where we can begin anew and feel refreshed. Find or create a small support group of people with whom you can share the truth and who care about you. Be appreciative of what you have been through. Work with your creative gifts which have been in cold storage during your marriage to the narcissist. Do a form of cardiovascular exercise that works for you.This increases endorphins, boosts the immune system and helps you to sleep. Many find that gentle yoga is a source of calming, strengthening and healing the body/mind. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will speak to you and offer wise words or present you with pictures or ideas, indicating the way forward for you. You deserve deep inner peace—claim it! It’s yours.

Married to a Narcissist—Become Self Entitled and Self Nurturing

Narcissists are pathologically self entitled. Their spouses are under-entitled. Some of them are treated like servants and accept these roles for decades, even at the expense of their physical, emotional and psychological health. The non-narcissistic spouse often doesn’t know that he/she is married to such a seriously disturbed human being. They make excuses and blame themselves. After all, the narcissist is always finding fault with them rather than where it belongs—on them. Narcissists pick away at their husbands and wives, causing tremendous stress. Many of these victims suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. They are jumping out of their skins with worry, wondering when the next metal shoe will drop. “When will he start screaming at me again?” Will he wake me up again tonight and go into one of his tirades?” “Deep down I hate myself because I can’t fulfill his wishes and demands.” Over and over again are the self accusations that are propelled by the narcissist’s constant verbal attacks.  This is all kept very secret due to the narcissist’s obsession with his golden image.

Once you have recognized that you are married to a narcissist you have a couple of options. You can try to stay in the marriage and learn how to remain psychologically distanced and detached from this person. That is very difficult. You can carve out a life of your own if that works with the marriage dynamics. Some couples do this. They are married in name only. The narcissistic spouse has a separate personal life. For most spouses it becomes impossible for them to stay married to the narcissist. They are becoming too depressed, stressed, terrified about the next foul display of rage, constant lies, psychological ambushes and humiliations.

The spouse decides to end the marriage and get a divorce.  This is scary and challenging but necessary if you want to lead the life that you deserve. Some spouses find that quality psychotherapy gives them the understanding, empathy and a plan of action that they need to move through this process. Part of what you are learning is new–self nurturing.  This is the source of your movement towards healing each day. You are entitled to get the sleep that you need, to live in a peaceful internal and external environment, to build a support system of individuals whom you trust and can count on. As you move past the divorce you discover and value your unique and precious individuality. It may take time to live within this new person that you are discovering.  So many ex-spouses of narcissists are relieved that now they can take a deep breath, use their creative gifts, sleep through the night peacefully, voice their opinions openly and freely and celebrate their newly retrieved lives.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation


Stop Making Excuses for Narcissistic Spouse’s Abominable Behavior

Many people repeat the traumas and horrors of childhood by marrying individuals who are highly abusive, explosive, cruel, cold, manipulative and duplicitous. Those who survived the wars of abusive childhoods don’t always escape from this gross mistreatment in adulthood. Many start the cycle again by marrying a narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists). Eventually, despite his/her charm, allure, accomplishments and smooth talk, you will be faced with the real nature of the narcissist you have married. He will start critically picking at you for no reason. One moment he is telling you how wonderful you are. The next he is pointing the finger at some small mistake or oversight or better yet, inventing terrible character flaws that you have that exist only in his deluded mind. You are confused; you take the blame. You might even think that you are mentally unbalanced. Narcissists love to tell their spouses that they are not thinking clearly. It is a clever cruel accusation. There is something about being told that we are not in our right minds that strikes a chord that has a mighty charge. Narcissists are incapable in introspection but they know like a great predator just when and where to strike. Narcissists are dirty underhanded players. They constantly lie to their spouses. They convince you they are loyal and they have their eyes all over the place. They tell you they are flat broke and they have bulging hidden bank accounts. They tell you they are spiritual and they spend most of their time, cheating other people. In fact the narcissist can cheat you out of the life you deserve to lead. Don’t let this happen.

If you are a kind person your tendency is to make constant excuses for the narcissist. Many spouses are terrified of being on their own. Others expect the incoming fire of abuse since they have been accustomed to this since childhood–It is all too familiar. When we have been in a constant psychological war of survival since birth, there is a tendency to repeat this pattern in other relationships.

There comes a time for many victims of marital narcissistic abuse, a reckoning, when the spouse can no longer and will not take it any more. It is over. The fork in the road has come. The deep intuition of the victim has been telling the abused spouse over and over again to sever the relationship and finally the message has been heard. Many spouses listen and follow up on this knowledge. It is not easy; it is challenging but they make the break from the narcissistic spouse. This is a great victory, a necessary and positive change in your life that begins anew. I have seen this happen many times. It is different for each individual. The freedom of mind and heart and the creativity that springs forth and the making of new friendships and other real relationships is waiting at the end of this process. Embrace it! You are entitled!

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Many spouses wait years , even decades on a wild, treacherous ride
with their narcissistic partner. As time passes they become more
miserable, weary and wary about their marital partner. There are many
rounds of couples therapy which do no good. In some cases the therapist
sides with the narcissistic spouse and convinces you that you have the
serious psychological problems that are causing problems with the
marriage. Narcissists are so clever and such fine actors that they fool
therapists with their charm and magnetism. After you have tried
everything possible and are at a turning point, you make the decision to
divorce your spouse.

I suggest you don’t announce your decision until you are fully prepared for every aspect of this event.
In some cases that are particularly acrimonious the spouse has her/his
attorney get in touch with the other side. Choosing the right attorney
is of utmost importance. It is wise to interview several lawyers who
specialize in divorce and family law. Get good referrals from your close
friends but remember that everyone is an individual. Don’t just agree to use the first lawyer you speak to, this is your future that you are trusting them with so you need to be sure the lawyer has your best interests at hear and not their billable hours. The best way to access a list of lawyers in your area is to carry out a search on your computer; if you live in Austin, Texas then you may want to search for Austin Divorce Lawyers. If it’s New York you call home, then search for NY Divorce Lawyers, and if you live in Los Angeles then you will want to search for LA Divorce Lawyers, for those who live in Massachusetts search for MA Divorce Lawyers, whevever you live just make sure to include your town, city or even state in your search term and that way you’ll be sure to find lawyers local to you, next you need to review some of their websites don’t just phone the first one you come across, make a list of the ones that you like the sound of and then call them, that way you are giving yourself the best chance to find a Divorce Lawyer that you will be comfortable in working with, one you can trust and one that you believe will have your best interest at heart. You should also consider their success rate; An uncontested divorce lawyer austin may make you more comfortable with what’s to come than one that isn’t. Don’t let others make your mind up for you, remember it is your
decision alone. In addition to the professional skills, knowledge and
expertise of the lawyer, consider his or her personality. This
individual must have a keen sense of the nature of the narcissistic
personality. You want a lawyer who is calm, competent and your loyal
advocate at all times. The attorney needs to be quick at perceiving some
new ruse the narcissist and his attorney have hatched to sabotage you.
One plan is to wear you down so far emotionally and physically that you
are not up for the challenge. Make sure you take very good care of
yourself especially during this time. Get your sleep, take time to be
quiet and calm each day through meditation, gentle yoga, exercise,
journaling—what works best for you. This is your time. Take full
advantage of it. Keep focused on your personal, creative and
professional strengths. Know that you will prevail.Turn to a few friends
whom you trust completely and allow yourself to be nurtured by them.
Some spouses that brief psychotherapy during this time is highly
supportive and informative. When you form a strong therapeutic alliance
with an excellent therapist it can make a great difference in moving
through this process. Interview several therapists if that is necessary.

Take the upper road but be keenly aware that the narcissist is a street
fighter who hits below the belt and can get down and dirty. You already
know this from being married to him/her. Don’t be surprised at the
outrageous lengths he will go to intimidate you or trap you or use a
well hatched trick to take the financial assets that are lawfully yours.
Protect your children by being tough and don’t lose your cool. The
narcissist want you off balance and out of control so he can show how
disturbed you are. He/she will lie about you. Know that the people who
are truly your friends know exactly who you are and the others who
believe him must be dismissed.

Give yourself credit.
You are about to become free after years of psychological imprisonment.
Call upon the warrior inside of you, the one who knows exactly who this
person is and also knows that you will prevail.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Narcissistic Ex-Spouses Psychologically Poison Their Children

Remember that narcissists are without conscience or shame. They will
never apologize for some horrible trauma they have caused you or your
children. In fact, they blame every calamity on you. They twist the
truth like a warm pretzel. Some spouses believe their lives are great because they
have been brainwashed over the years. Others are
immersed in the lifestyle that he/she  provides for them. There are too
many trips, parties, lovely possessions, gifts and all the other
distractions that keep them deluded by the fantasies of having what they
want. They are like children in a candy store with unlimited amounts of
money to buy every treat they can reach.

When the
marriage disintegrates and the nasty divorce dance is over, there are custody arrangements. These always cause problems. With half and half custody the narcissistic ex-spouse
spends enough time with his/her children to psychologically poison them
against the other parent. They tell outright lies to the point of
describing an affair that the other spouse had. None of this is true.
The children find  this information very alarming. What makes this even
worse is the narcissistic ex-spouse swears the children to secrecy.
Don’t say a word; this is between you and me. Narcissists thrive on
secrets. It makes them feel powerful. They control others with this
mendacity. It pits one person against the other and weakens them. They
are sadistic and love to watch others twist in the wind and lose their
psychological footing.

Maintaining a loving, open,
close relationship with your children is key to offsetting the
psychological poison of the narcissistic ex-spouse. When the
relationship is solid and loving, your children will tell you exactly
what is going on when you are not in their presence. We only need one
good loving parent or a parent surrogate.

Use your intuition and you will know what your ex-spouse is cooking up. You can smell the aromas of his deceptive stew of lies. You have the drop on him. You know the truth. Visit my 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life



Narcissistic Spouses Seek Revenge Taking A Pound of Your Flesh

Narcissists are always on the take. They are aggressive, unempathic, merciless and driven to get exactly what they want. If you have been married to one for years or decades, you must know that they don’t care about your feelings. They are using you for their own purposes. Everyone in their lives is expendable. They can and will replace you. Narcissistic spouses wear you down to the nub. If you are emotionally and psychologically vulnerable, you are at particular risk.

If you want to stay in the narcissist’s favor, you must mirror them perfectly. Regardless of how perfect you are and how well you follow their orders, it is never enough. If you cross them and become more independent, they seek revenge.  Since they don’t have a conscience to slow them down, they go right for the jugular. They take their pound of your flesh. They kick you when you are down and take control of mutual financial assets. They know how to whisk them away in secret, leaving you vulnerable and at their mercy.

If you wait too long to divorce them and they have the upper hand, the narcissist holds the best cards. He slaps you when you are down. I know of situations of narcissistic husbands refusing to help a spouse who was physically ill. She had to drive herself to the hospital.

Narcissistic husbands and narcissistic wives out of revenge will work the mediators and courts to get custody of your children. They hire attorneys who are slick, hungry beasts. 

Arm yourself with research about the true nature of the narcissist. Recognize that this person cannot change. This is a fixed personality disorder. Don’t be pulled back into the pseudo marriage by his empty promises and pitiful martyr performances. Be prepared for his tawdry act but know that he will seek revenge, get it and never look back. The narcissist is hard and cold, like a piece of stone.

Make your move to sever the relationship soon rather than later. You have courage and talents and your life ahead of you. Many before you have made this break and discovered that at the end of the tunnel there is freedom, inner peace and an expansion of your creative gifts. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Narcissistic Men Despise Independent Women

Narcissists control others with the back of their hand. They have
learned this from childhood. Male narcissists were often controlled by
their mothers. Momma, mom, mother—adored them to use as her puppet and
her psychological partner. She chose her son over her husband. Some
adult male narcissists report that mother comes to visit the family and
in secret tells her son that she wants to go to dinner with him for a
“date.”  The narcissistic male is often psychologically possessed by his
mother. Unconsciously he grows to hate her. There is always an
ambivalence with mother,  a love/hate relationship. The male child
cannot be free and is emasculated.

narcissistic men love the chase and the seduction of women. If they are
married they often have numerous affairs, even hidden children in the
shadows. With each conquest they move on to the next. They never tire;
they are hungry for more females they can conquer.  If they are powerful
in the world and good looking and completely charming, they succeed on a
superficial level. They are voracious in their need to seduce.

men despise women who are independently minded—those they cannot fool
and know instantly who they really are. Some women are so astute that
after a few flirtatious rounds they have picked up the scent of the
narcissist and turn their heads away. The narcissist cannot have them,
cannot bargain with them, cannot possess them. They are contained and
control their own lives—they are psychologically independent women.
Narcissistic men hate what they cannot own and control and abuse. The
narcissistic man is never free of the mother who controls him even after
her death.  She has put her imprint on his soul and it is indelible.

men despise all women and independent ones in particular. If you are in
this category, celebrate. If you have been fooled by a narcissistic man
(and that includes a lot of us) but now know who they really are, give
yourself a hand. If you are just finding out that the man you are with
is a narcissist, keep doing your research. It is worth the effort. There
is a celebration ahead for you. Never stop digging for the truth.

Visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Narcissists Abandon Their Families and Re-Invent Themselves

Narcissistic men (and women) cannot be parents. These men are too
obsessed with themselves and their images.They act out with women,
having multiple affairs, and children from these unions. They have no
shame from their reprehensible behaviors.  If they have power in the
world as high level executives, A- list entertainers–movie stars, etc
or members of the social elite, they get away it.  These days , living
in a narcissistic society, most people simply shrug about these matters.
It is so pervasive. Others think that it is perfectly fine that this
narcissistic man has put shame on his wife and especially his children.
He is their father in name only. Psychologically, he has a severe
personality disorder that is never going to change. Their is no
motivation since he believes that he is perfect and everyone else falls
into place on his side. In this current narcissistic social climate,
highly placed individuals can get away with just about anything. 

causing all of this trauma and distress to his ex-wife and children, he
moves on to re-invent himself and burnish his image.  It is
reprehensible that a famous narcissist with an endless group of
followers and adorers is given “kudos” to move on with his life despite
the horrendous psychological damage he has done.  

the narcissistic personality in-depth so that you don’t become involved
with one in a partnership or marriage. The narcissistic style —-“It’s
all about me!” –is becoming more normalized every day. To learn about
every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

You are the Narcissist’s Possession

“Casting one’s lot with a narcissist means that your life no longer
belongs to you. Your mental freedom and psychological space are
invaded…The narcissist  creates an unbroken fusion with his intimates,
treating them like the intricately woven fabric of his own
personality.”(Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

are driven to have what they want and must have regardless of the 
people whom they ruthlessly push aside (even their small children) lie
to, cheat, psychologically abuse, trick or cause psychological and
physical harm. They are bulldozers, juggernauts, human tsunamis.  You
can’t win with a narcissistic spouse unless you fuse with them and allow
them to eclipse your inner world of creativity and freedom and go along
for all of the perks and material upsides of one who is rising in power
and financial assets. Some spouses choose that direction. There is so
much to gain by having the next lovely object—a special article of
clothing, an irresistible piece of jewelry, a perfectly designed home, a
grand trip, the prestige to be married to a man or woman who is sought
after as a very special person in the world. This is so tempting to many
spouses that they can’t say ‘No”.  The deeper and closer the fusion
with the narcissistic spouse the less capacity to individuate out as a
separate person who is free to be genuine and to use their creative
gifts and full potential.

Some spouses decide that they
must sever this pathological relationship. Many of them do it for their
children. They recognize the damage that staying with the narcissistic
spouse is doing each day. They make the decision to divorce. This is a
difficult process with a narcissist but they are up for the fight. They
have confidence in themselves, have chosen an excellent, bright,
fearless attorney who knows how narcissists operate. In the aftermath
the spouse, now free from bondage, is free to renew his/her own life and
the endless opportunities that it holds. To learn about the
narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life