Brazen, Boorish, Blaming Narcissistic Spouse

Married to a narcissistic personality you are constantly questioning the truth of your perceptions. The narcissist is clever and cunning at putting you on the defensive with intricate games of blame and intimidation.

The narcissist, a master manipulator, takes control of your relationship with him/her. This person is always “playing you.”  Although the narcissist is incapable of deep insights, he is keen in “reading” his partners – knowing about their wants, needs and desires. This is especially the case in the opening moves of the relationship. High level narcissists in particular engage in a game of romance. They “enchant” you with their hypnotic charm. It’s as if they are reading your mind.

You feel compelled to escape inside of the dream of being wanted, understood and valued. This is how the narcissist makes you feel during the early phases. Their power over the partner is particularly pronounced if they have chosen someone who has suffered from parental deprivation and abuse, treated as a child with neglect and coldness, feeling unwanted.

Coming across a prospective partner who is fascinated with you is irresistible. You feel pulled into the narcissist’s orbit. You have longed to have someone who focused their attention on to you in this magical way.  The high level narcissist is “gifted” at the psychological and emotional seduction.

Time passes and the mask of the narcissistic partner slips; you are on the receiving end of the narcissist’s true self: brazen, boorish, blaming.

The narcissistic personality affects a brazen manner – an attitude of extreme shameless self-entitlement.  The narcissist pulls the I’m superior act with you.

Another character trait appears: boorishness, a rude coarse quality and insensitivity to you as an individual.

The narcissist habitually shifts blame on to you when he is at fault and has caused you emotional pain.  Narcissists never take responsibility for their multiple cruelties. They are incapable of empathy or a developed conscience.

Sharing your days with a narcissistic partner you are continually in a state of siege, the fight or flight mode. Here there is no respite, inner peace or refuge. You feel your essential physical and psychological energies ebbing. Your creativity slows and you notice that you are always struggling just to feel some comfort, respite, solitude, a place to put yourself: body, mind, heart, soul.

You are studying the true nature of the narcissistic personality. The puzzle pieces are coalescing. You have reached a point of clear insight; your priorities are shifting to where they belong: the care and evolution of your authentic self, the renewal of honoring yourself as a valuable unique individual.

 

High Level Narcissists Believe They Are Godlike: Omnipotent, Omniscient

Narcissists have been accused of having the “god complex”, firmly believing that they are omnipotent – all powerful. Ironically in today’s barbarous culture of perverse self-entitlement, on the surface, for some, this appears to be the case. The high level narcissist has no limitations placed on him or her. Feted within their golden circles of influence and privilege, it can appear that these individuals can have whatever they want.
Deep inside in the unconscious the narcissist experiences a hollow, bleak, psychological emptiness, an arid wasteland of nothingness and meaninglessness. In brief moments the narcissist’s mask slips and he becomes consciously aware of this state. He uses powerful defense mechanisms of projection and denial to protect him from painful and disruptive feelings.

The narcissistic personality constellation is a defense against feelings of shame. Since the narcissist does not develop a conscience he or she is impervious to feelings of guilt.

With neither guilt nor shame “impeding” him, the narcissist moves adroitly along the pathways of his blind ambition. He lies constantly, betrays those who love him, steals their creative ideas and projects without a blink of conscience or regret, exploits those who are emotionally weaker as a means of controlling and forcing them to bend to his will.

The high level narcissist will wipe you out financially without a scintilla of concern about your psychological welfare. You are simply a steppingstone to his goals of ultimate power and control.

I hear from individuals who have partnered or married high level narcissits or children of narcissistic parents. Their stories are gut-wrenching.

Awakening to the true reality of the narcissistic personality you will separate out of these non-relationships, put yourself first and move forward along your own pathways.

Make full use of your gifts of creativity, resilience, insight, intuition and compassion.

Each day you are evolving. Start with the basics: sleep, rest, nourishing food, movement/exercise, Nature, Beauty, meditation your way.

Notes to Unique, Precious Empaths

You are the child who was never understood. You are a highly sensitive individual who perceives inner and outer reality on the most minute levels.
You remember from childhood often feeling overwhelmed. Loud noises and crowds were very distressing. While other family members were excited by social events, you had a very difficult time being in groups. You found many of the children to be aggressive and loud. Even attending a children’s birthday party was unsettling. The noise of groups was difficult for you from the beginning.

Some empaths as children find meaning and comfort in solitude, in their own company. They spend hours reading books, walking in Nature, writing in a journal, sketching and drawing. With a vivid imagination the child empath travels everywhere in his mind.

At night you were afraid of the dark and needed a night light on even as you grew older.
As a very small child you picked up the psychological and emotions and vibrations of others. You read their unconscious and knew what was hidden behind the mask of the face
Growing up in a narcissistic family is particularly difficult for the empath. The narcissistic mother or father imposed his will and chose roles for each child. There is the golden one who has been selected to mirror and represent the family image.
From the beginning you didn’t fit into your narcissistic family. You were so different from the other members. It was like you came from another world and wondered how you ended up with this group of people who shared your DNA. You never felt at home with the narcissistic family members.

As you moved into adulthood you began to appreciate your differentness. You appreciated your deep intuitions, inspirations and creativity.
Empaths never fit in to the society at large. This is particularly true currently. There are so many narcissistic personalities who are thriving in our aggressive culture. Without conscience the narcissist treats the empath with disrespect, viewing them as weak and fragile.

You come to a time of awakening, a deep appreciation of your true nature. You no longer care about being accepted by the society at large and its circles of influence.
You cannot compromise the pure gold of your authentic self. You find individuals who appreciate you true nature and whom you can trust. There are just a few but this is sufficient.

Your creative gifts expand and deepen. You find yourself creating whole worlds out of your imagination and intuition. You dispense with the notion that you need others to understand you. You are different and precious —the pearl of great price, the true authentic self. Embrace your individuality, deep compassion, intuition and fine perceptions.
Be kind and protective of yourself with: good sleep, rest, movement/exercise, spending time in Nature, nourishment, lovely music, following the unique pathway of your creativity in all of its forms.

Oops! Your Covert Narcissism Is Showing

Individuals who are adult children of narcissistic parents, spouses of narcissists, ex-spouses and siblings of narcissistic personalities are often victimized for long periods of time before they recognize that they are not to blame for the the psychological and emotional pain perpetrated by them. (This blog post refers to male and female narcissists).

So often we wave off the intuitive truth about the intrinsic nature of the covert narcissist who is making our lives a moment to moment excruciating experience. Over and over again we are mired in the mud of deceit, manipulation, exploitation, endless lying, psychological ambushes of every length and degree of agony.

All along the covert narcissist expands the velocity and depth of his psychological assaults on his victims. These individuals become mired in anxiety, fear and guilt. They are slowly worn down and exhausted. As they become more emotionally fragile, they are likely to bow to the steel willed, merciless, ruthless machinations of the covert narcissist.

Eventually, you become clearly receptive to incredible moments of repeated insights along with reading in depth about the true nature of the covert narcissist.  During this time, victims of these cruelties finally say to themselves – “Oops, your covert narcissism is showing!” This is the moment of truth that comes through your consciousness to rescue you from years of repetitive psychological, emotional and financial abuse.

Hold on to the golden cord of your intuitive insights, the diligence of your research and your courageous, strong, fine character.

This is the time of reckoning. Your life is turning around and now you have the opportunity to move on the road to your psychological, emotional and spiritual evolution.

Give yourself tremendous credit for the life experiences you have endured and survived. You deserve every great kudo! Take very good care of yourself each day. Get the best sleep, hydrate, balance great nutrition with exercise that works for you. Align yourself with individuals of character who care about you. Rest when you need it, listen to lovely music and always laugh at each magic opportunity. You are terrific!

 

Breaking the Pattern of Marrying Covert Narcissists

I have communicated with many clients and readers and people whom I meet who tell me that they keep marrying, divorcing and then marrying another covert narcissist. How could they have known that they would repeat this hurtful psychological pattern. They should not blame themselves. It is extremely difficult to recognize a covert narcissist, especially if he is at the top of his game. (This post refers to male and female narcissists). By this I mean that the Covert has been practicing his superb part since he was very young. Whether he was the golden child, the forgotten one or even the scapegoat–this individual has identified as a false self most of his life. The covert narcissist learned early to camouflage his true feelings and thoughts. Even more so, as a golden child he was from birth, regal. Everything is handed to the child of pure gold. He or she can never do wrong. These kids are perfect even when they bully their siblings, treat playmates cruelly and make unseemly demands on everyone in their lives.

You as the current or former spouse of a covert narcissist feel confused and dismayed that you continue to be attracted to and then marry covert narcissists. This is a current familiar theme that runs through many of my conversations with those who have repeated this pattern in their relationships. First, give yourself credit for recognizing this pattern of behavior. Know that you will be able to spot the Covert next time and not become involved with him as a partner of any kind, even a friend. Narcissists are incapable of any kind of emotional and psychological empathy. I find that many of those who are attracted to and then marry covert narcissists are highly empathic individuals. What a mismatch! For the narcissist this makes great sense; he can have anything he wants from you and give nothing in return. The covert narcissist makes incessant demands, demeans you, tears you down when you are at your lowest ebb.

After going through painful ordeals throughout a number of years, many of those chronically victimized in their marriages recognize that they must separate and divorce the covert narcissist.  After the divorce is final and you have moved forward with your life, you will be grateful that you made this decision. As you renew yourself you will never look back.  Finally, you have learned to value your unique individuality and your many gifts.

Continue to grow as an individual and learn to appreciate your authenticity and uniqueness. Spend as much time as you can in the recovery, healing, transformative part of the nervous system. Here you will feel deep inner peace, security and optimism. Embrace the flowering of your unbounded creative gifts and energies.

 

 

Covert Narcissists Re-Traumatize Their Victims

The covert narcissist is a dark genius at re-victimizing his/her human targets.  Whether you are married to or divorcing a covert narcissist, you feel riddled with terror and dread most of the time. You are stuck in the fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system zone and feel neither safety nor comfort.

I have spoken and communicated with many individuals who are suffering horribly – emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually as a result of the accumulation of stress and distress over years of being the object of vile, pernicious projections by the Covert. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists.)  The pain is deepened by the fact that the covert is gifted at concealing his multiple cruelties, manipulations and deceptions.  Lies roll off of his tongue automatically and everyone believes  him.  You are always left holding the bag. Even your own family may not believe that you know and are telling the truth about this covert viper.

After listening carefully to your intuition and doing your research, have faith in yourself to take action to remove yourself from the hellish life that you are leading.  You are in a no win, non-relationship. The covert narcissist cannot and will not change.  It is your call to press the reset button and begin to make your plans in secret to leave this individual. Be careful about the people with whom you share this information. You will find a few individuals (even one is good) whom you can trust and who will support you.

Take time to appreciate who you are as an individual, a wonderful human being who deserves to lead a life in inner peace, freedom and emotional and psychological security.

Take time to do your form of prayer and meditation, listening to healing music, doing spontaneous writing, exercise in the way that works for you, getting the sleep that you deserve and taking rests when you need them.  This is very important because you must  fill up your reserves so that you will move through this period of your life to a new tempo, one that is calmer, kinder, beautiful and loving.

I know so many wonderful individuals who have taken this journey to freedom and dynamic peace. Climb aboard – We are waiting for you to ride with us.

Covert Narcissists: Scheme Your Downfall in Secret

Covert narcissists are incapable of forming and maintaining genuine relationships.  So often I speak with clients who have unwittingly married a covert narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)

There is no way the innocent party could have known that this individual is a narcissist.  In the case of the Covert it is exceedingly difficult to discern the true nature of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.

The covert narcissist is masterfully clever at concealing his malicious, dark, cruel traits.  The Covert is an expert at presenting himself as charming, giving, kind, genuine, empathic and psychologically grounded.  The charm offensive of the Covert is acted out with perfection: a Broadway level performance.

The Covert is above all, Secretive.  These individuals lead several lives at one time.  You have been chosen by them to provide the maximum in narcissistic supplies. You offer an excellent external image. You come from a fine family, are well educated, physically attractive, are socially adept, professionally successful– and the long list goes on and on. You are the perfect “catch” for this person who has calculated your value to him from the beginning.

Soon after the marriage, trouble begins with the narcissist’s drumbeat demands, devaluing, demeaning manner. He picks away at your “faults.” These are manufactured by the narcissist to weaken your sense of self, to lower your self respect, feelings of optimism.

The Covert narcissist knows who you are and exactly how he will tear down your psychological and emotional reserves.  He must extract the maximum amount of narcissistic supplies out of you before he discards and replaces you with someone else.

All the while the covert narcissist is plotting and scheming to control, manipulate and eventually bring you down emotionally, financially, psychologically and physically.  Some of those who are married to Coverts develop chronic illnesses as a result of the accumulated stress, fear, depression and trauma that they have internalized over many years.  At these times that the covert narcissists doesn’t want to deal with you anymore.  When you are at your lowest ebb, he is tap dancing with high energy and a complete lack of care or concern for your well being.

After the narcissist has taken everything from you and more, you are left alone, discarded, disheartened and in some cases, physically ill.

The covert is so secretive and clever that the victim remains unaware of what has happened to them.  Some of those who contact me even say that it was all their fault. Never blame yourself for marrying a covert narcissist.

Know that you can heal from this dreadful series of ordeals, that you will recover fully: emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually.

Begin by putting yourself first. Start getting the sleep you need and deserve.  Eat in a balanced way that works with your biochemistry.  Exercise in the way that works best for you. As you recover, always remember to pay close attention to your intuition–it is the voice of the absolute truth.  Some healing modalities are acupuncture which balance the body, mind and spirit, restorative yoga, gentle walking, being in Nature, finding people who respect you as an individual and whom you trust.  Take time each day to put yourself in the calming part of the nervous system through some form of meditation, prayer, affirmations, etc.  You decide what opens the doors to being calmer, more comfortable and gentler inside of yourself.

You are entitled to heal fully and to use your many creative gifts.  You have turned on to a new pathway: one of hope, health, beauty and a source of continued evolution and transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Act Now to Stay Healthy While Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Divorcing a narcissist is often a ghastly version of Hell on earth. I have spoken to so many clients and heard from those who read this blog about the psychologically and emotionally draining and horrific skirmishes and all out wars that take place during this process. Narcissists love to torture those whom they divorce–sadistic!.   They are merciless and vengeful.  They come at you when you are the most vulnerable.  You know the depth of their secret cruelties.  Their goal is to vanquish you and leave nothing standing—except them!

I give all of you tremendous respect and credit for learning everything you can about their dirty tactics, sly games and nasty exploitations.

Once you know that you are dealing with a narcissist and understand what makes them tick it is much clearer how to proceed.  Of course this is no cakewalk—it is a grinding marathon up many treacherous hills and hair raising curves.

Begin by putting yourself and your physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual health first. Don’t answer every phone call. Learn to say No and mean it not only to the narcissistic spouse but to all others who would disrupt your peace.

Speak in a kind voice to yourself and know that you deserve quality sleep, good nutrition, a feeling of quiet and inner peace that comes from your form of meditation or prayer or just being with Nature or your friends or pets.  Listen to music that you love that is comforting and uplifting.  Make your life simple. Do not rush–slow it down.  Do calm yogic breathing: Inhale through the nose to a count that works for you and exhale slowly through the mouth longer than the inhale. Do simple restorative yoga poses that open the heart chakra and center the mind.  Take short breaks during the day when you can to focus that attention on yourself and what you are needing at that moment.  Take time to drink a slow cup of tea.  Listen to a book on dvd that takes you to different characters and time.  Remember to appreciate the beauty of the night,  the sun that warms you, the smiles of friends,  the shifts of the winds and the quiet that brings you peace.

You are up to this journey.  You have already begun.  You will prevail and be victorious!

I will be writing regularly again now.  I have been working on a book and it is now published: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist: Discovering Your True Self.

 

Ever-Present Narcissistic Rage Projections–Psychologically Dangerous

In dealing with a narcissistic spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father, sibling, you are on a tightrope without a net.  You feel the anxiety building inside of your nervous system each time you anticipate an interaction.  You brace yourself for these events.  Sometimes you are surprised that the narcissist has pulled in his/her horns and comes across as emotionally neutral or stable.  (This post refers to male and female narcissists). At times you lower your guard only to find yourself in the middle of an explosive ugly scene. Once again, you are at fault; you made the huge mistake; you were stupid; you are insensitive and thick headed, etc. These abusive projections of narcissistic rage are endless.  Each time you think that the narcissist has changed and will be different, even civil.  These beliefs keep you tied to the narcissist, his or her source of supply that endangers you psychologically.

Children of narcissists grew up in these trauma producing families. Early on they were victims of narcissistic parental rage that never seemed to end.  To this day you can hear the narcissistic mom or dad or both screaming through your head, hurling accusations, epithets, insults and humiliations. I hear from many of them and it is surprising how empathic these adult children are.  They have survived this cauldron of pain and terror at great cost. Yet, they are remarkable human beings.

Narcissistic personality is fixed.  It does not change.  Along with it comes narcissistic rage.  There is no way around this.  Often narcissistic rage deepens with age and becomes more volcanic since the narcissist is living in psychological delusion and incapable of personal insight.

Separating out and individuating from the narcissist is essential to your personal, creative and spiritual growth. Appreciate who you are, act on your intuition and the knowledge that you have obtained about the true nature of the narcissist.

Free yourself, heal and recover.  You deserve to be at peace, to have relationships of trust and deep caring and the full use of your many creative gifts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Socialized Sociopaths in High Places

Socialized sociopaths are often exceedingly successful in the world and wield great raw power, have many admirers and loyal sycophants.  They have social and business contacts that are worthy of envy. (This post refers to male and female socialized sociopaths).

Socialized sociopaths draw psychological and emotional blood from their victims, leaving them mortally wounded. Without conscience or empathy, they commit numerous crimes throughout their lives and never get caught. (Don’t wait for karma to catch up with them).

Socialized sociopaths often have a high intelligence and a fine formal education.  From a young age the socialized sociopath knows he is superior to everyone: parents, siblings, friends.  The world and every individual is at their disposal.  People exist to provide them with whatever they want. When you have a “relationship” with a socialized sociopath, you are not in charge. These individuals are constantly projecting their venom on you, using cruel manipulations and deceits, using the ultimate weapon—Treacheries that destroy the lives of others.

With the sociopathic style taking over much of our world today and becoming fully acceptable with their excessive self indulgences, extreme self absorption, image obsession, projections of cold, dark disdain for those outside of their magical, delusional bubble, it has become smooth and easy for the socialized sociopath to move in and out of any social environment, undetected as a psychologically dangerous human being.

Socialized sociopaths are running our prestigious international corporations.  Some members of government fit this definition. There are so many venues where the socialized sociopath thrives: churches, spiritual growth programs, media, global finance, the healing professions. No one wants to speak too openly about socialized sociopaths in high places lest they be questioned and criticized.  When you observe the destruction that these individuals wreak it is shocking  and frightening but time to Wake Up!

Many people have a problem believing that a highly esteemed individual with great prestige and power, commanding respect and deference, could be so predatory and destructive to others.

Family members of socialized sociopaths are often unaware of the emotional and psychological criminality perpetrated in their private lives. The suffering they cause is monumental. As they lead privileged lives, they maintain their Deal with the Devil that remains intact.

Victims of socialized sociopaths–children, spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, business partners, tell horrific stories of their imprisonments at the hands of these merciless individuals. They spend their days in terror, apprehension, always waiting to see when and how they will be punished. Many victims remain in captivity–continuing to blame themselves for the evil perpetrated by the socialized sociopath. When we view them in terms of the horrors that they create, the word “socialized” begins to fade.

Those who free themselves from these vipers never look back. They come to love and understand the true self inside of them that has been waiting so long to move forward.  There is no perfect time to leave. Gather your strength, learn everything you can about their true nature, trust your intuition, take care of your physical health, turn to individuals whom you can trust for support and comfort, listen to the wisdom of your heart and soul.  Soar!