Concealed Narcissists Are Psychologically Dangerous

One of the most difficult individuals to identify is the concealed or hidden narcissist. They are so clever at disguising their true intentions, lack of conscience, emotional threats to you. Often they appear to be humble and self effacing–butter doesn’t melt in their mouths. They give you just the right kind of attention that makes you feel that you are deeply appreciated and respected. You breathe a sigh of relief and believe that you have found someone whom you can trust. They have a way of putting you at ease and off guard. Concealeds are unlike their grandiose, “look at me” cousins. If anything, they appear to be quiet, undemanding and empathic. They have Ph.D.s in pseudo empathy. That’s how fine of an act they have honed down. You find concealeds in every population. Some thrive in religious circles, spiritual communities, in mental health professions, etcsta. However, they range the gamit in formal education socioeconomic status, social status and circles of influence.

The concealed narcissist possesses the same psychic structure as the grandiose, sun kings and queens that demand attention at stage center and are constantly commanding unlimited applause and adulation. That is the difficulty in recognizing them before they get their psychological hooks into you. They are very cunning and hold their personal cards close to the vest. They are masters of your emotional and psychological “tells”. I daresay some of them are phenomenal poker players.

Concealeds are clever at putting just the right flavors and amounts of their attention on to you. Some act like servants, individuals who are there to rescue you, who declare that without you their lives would lack meaning or value. Concealeds outwardly take the high moral ground. This is a ruse to impress you about their “fine” characters.

Once you are under their spell, you begin to feel the cruel darkness beneath their compelling, seemingly innocuous surfaces. They let the primitive projections fly and catch you off guard. You are shocked and rocked by the incoming waves of corrosive cruelties and psychological assaults. Then, when you think you cannot take it any more, the hidden narcisisst apologizes so convincingly that you let him/her back into your life. This back and forth pattern over months and years saps you of your emotional and psychological energy. But, many of you blame yourself. This is all backwards but you don’t realize that you are not at fault at all. You are on the receiving end of severe psychopathology.

To protect yourself from these hidden narcissists, study this personality structure in-depth. At the same time, start putting yourself first. Learn to take very good care of yourself. If you have not learned how to do this, especially if you were raised in a narcissistic family, it is time to start—-Now.

Know that the concealed narcissist is very difficult to identify. Put yourself first. Take care of yourself with the right amount of sleep, proper eating, an exercise program that works for you, guided meditation, high quality acupuncture, making Beauty and Nature in all of its forms a part of your daily life. Trust your intuition and insight always.

Narcissists Will Never Stop Lying to You

You want to believe them when they pull you back into their orbit after their horrible cruelties and betrayals. They know just how to talk to you, what your emotional needs are as well as your vulnerabilities. You are most likely a deeply caring, compassionate and empathetic person.  These are the ones that that they prey on the most. Although narcissists have no genuine insight, they have been practicing “playing people” all of their lives.

We don’t expect another person with whom we have shared are lives to be so deceitful and annihilating. That is because you are not thinking the way that a narcissist does. It is very important that you learn how these individuals function, what their goals are and what makes them tick. Remember–they are not like you so don’t expect them to tell the truth—ever. They lie by omission and commission. They deny the dreadful things they have done to you. They purposefully make empty promises under pressure to keep you by their side as a source of perpetual narcissistic supply–adulation, praise, validation, adoration.

Many narcissists are so charming and magnetic that with the power of their personalities and their attractiveness, they can convince you that they are telling the exact truth even when they are lying through their gorgeous white teeth.

Narcissists don’t develop a conscience. What is right or wrong for them is based on whether they can get away with something that is often immoral and unethical and even illegal. They don’t have a sense of limits. They are always right and perfect. They view others as inferior to them, boring, stupid, foolish and ignorant.

When you pay close attention to your intuition you will know when the narcissist is lying to you to get you back, to intimidate and humiliate you, to blame you, to project his/her volcanic rage on to you.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Honor who you are as an authentic, creative and grounded individual. Learn to take very good care of yourself —physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Put yourself first.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Merciless, Greedy Narcissistic Spouse Cannot Love You

The narcissist is gifted at presenting an attractive, compelling, fascinating, convincing false self. It is very difficult to understand how this person who is so charming, bright and who appears to have fallen for you is incapable of truly loving another individual. The narcissist is “self” centered. Everything revolves around them. (This post refers to female and male narcissists). From the beginning the narcissist was playing a role. In some cases he was the Chosen Child–the Star, the Golden One, the Savior of the Family. In other family constellations the narcissist struggled to fit in with the rest of the family players. In order to win the childhood survival game, he developed a compelling, magnetic false self that drew people to him. He learned how to captivate others, almost like putting them under a spell. Especially if the young narcissist is physically attractive and bright and talented, he or she can develop the skills necessary to manipulate and control others. This begins within the family and moves outward into every region of the budding narcissist’s life.

Narcissists are ravenous for attention, praise, adulation and in many cases wealth and sources of power and influence. Deep down they are unable to form genuine relationships, including the role of a spouse in a marriage. They are so entitled and obsessed with self that others, including their spouses, only count as a source of perpetual veneration and praise. For the narcissistic spouse the husband or wife is a possession, a person to be molded to fit the perfect image that the narcissist has created for this individual.

Some of those married to narcissists spend decades in these highly constricted, abusive roles. They are kept in an emotional and psychological strait jacket. They live in delusion and fear, always checking in with the narcissist to make sure they are following his rules.

Those who are married to narcissists are possessed by them. They are tightly held with “rules” that are written in stone by the narcissistic spouse. There is no authentic love taking place in these pseudo relationships. In some instances the victimized spouse awakens to the knowledge that he or she is married to a serious personality disorder that is not going to change, that her life has been eclipsed, her creativity squelched, her sense of self abbreviated.

It is a profound awakening to know that the man or woman to whom you are married is incapable of loving you, of valuing you as a unique individual who deserves warm emotional and psychological reciprocation. With a narcissist, there is no give and take—They take greedily and mercilessly, leaving you in a weakened exhausted state.

Don’t wait for the endgame with the narcissist. Recognize this person for who he is—a severe personality disorder that is fixed like steel–impenetrable.

Turn to yourself–recognize and appreciate fully how genuine you are, how gifted and bright you are, the beauty of your warm open heart, your deep capacity for real love. Put your feet, head, heart and soul on your unique life healing, restorative pathway.

Don’t Let the Narcissist Steal the Rest of Your Life

If you have a narcissistic parent, if you are married to a narcissist, the sibling of a narcissist—you know that these individuals are exceedingly difficult, albeit impossible to live with! I have heard innumerable life stories of those who are going through excruciating suffering as a consequence of these toxic relationships.

It is common for those who are being abused to keep thinking that they can “fix” the narcissist. This is not the case. This is a very fixed personality that does not change. The defense mechanisms of the narcissist are like concrete or steel–They include primitive projection, volcanic rage, extreme denial, rationalizations and splitting. You can’t take your narcissistic spouse to counseling and expect that he or she will cooperate. The narcissist will pretend to make moves that will help save the marriage. This is a well crafted act. In some instances they manipulate the therapist to their side and you are the one who is stuck with an “emotional instability” label.

As the child of a narcissistic mother or father, you suffered extreme emotional and psychological deprivation. You were not loved for your true self. You were exploited as a living narcissistic supply. Some children are discarded since the narcissistic parent does not view them as measuring up to their expectations. So many of these lovely children are cast aside to fend for themselves, even as very small children.
Having a narcissistic sibling who hates and envies you from the beginning, tells lies about you, perpetrating myriad cruelties upon you, is one of the most difficult roles for a child. If the narcissistic sibling is the golden one, you were never believed. You were the source of ridicule and criticism. You were excluded from the family for not being “good enough” or the “bad one.”

If you have lived any of these roles as the victim of narcissistic abuse, it is essential that you understand that as a child you had no choice; as a spouse you could not have known that your husband or wife was a severe personality disorder.

A profound life change begins to take place when you recognize and appreciate who you are as a unique, invaluable, creative and loving individual. You are entitled to heal from the wounds of childhood that have haunted you all of these years. You deserve to face each day with inner peace and hope in your heart.

As the former wife or husband of a narcissistic spouse, you will learn to breathe deeply again, to set off on the pathways of your own individual life. Hold fast to your personal vision and inner wisdom.

Tell yourself and take action based on this vow that a narcissist will never “steal” your life, sap your creative energies, halt your dreams, bring you down—ever again.

You are evolving as an individual on every level as you heal—mentally, emotionally, psychologically, creatively, spiritually. Celebrate this long journey you have made. Feel your renewed vigor, creative juices, new goals and aspirations as they spring forth from deep within you. And spread the good news to others who are waiting to hear your words of support, empathy, strength and perseverance.

Narcissistic In-Laws Attempt to Destroy Your Marriage

I have heard many life stories about the chaos and emotional and psychological destructiveness of narcissistic in-laws.  This includes the mother-in-law narcissist, the father-in-law narcissist or the narcissistic couple.

When we get married it can be very difficult to know if our prospective in-laws are narcissists. Yes, they may be self-absorbed or entitled or too entranced with the golden child you married. In the beginning everyone was playing the “good behavior” role. Some spouses get a glimpse of coming psychological attractions before the vows are spoken. Most of us are too distracted with the wedding plans and thinking of the meaning of the upcoming marriage and let these warnings pass through our consciousness.

The cracking of the familial perfect face begins with one of the narcissistic parents demanding tremendous amounts of time and attention from the “beloved son or daughter” and giving you the cold shoulder or the silent treatment or outright cold unwarranted criticism. Eventually this leads to scenarios of my way or the highway. This becomes particularly ugly and the couple starts to argue frequently. The golden boy or golden girl narcissist often responds to the family demands since he or she has been the King or Queen of this feudal kingdom since birth.

The spouse who is out in the cold is further criticized and ostracized by the narcissistic in-law(s). Finally a reckoning comes and a decision often must be made–whether to stay in a marriage where you are being constantly abused and mistreated or to move forward and sever the marital relationship.

Meanwhile the narcissistic relatives are relishing your marriage unraveling, knowing they will get their perfect son or daughter to come back to them alone–where he or she belongs. Narcissistic in-laws think of their children as possessions who belong to them and no one else, including a spouse.

Quite often these circumstances do not have a happy ending for the newly married couple. It is better to cut your losses in most cases if you know that your spouse is more wedded to narcissistic mom or dad than to you. You will never win against this deep level of psychopathology.

After you have made your decision to end the marriage and get a divorce, you begin to heal from the relationship you thought you had with this person you had picked to share your life. Pay close attention to your intuition as you go forward. Remember, you come first. This is essential.

Narcissistic Spouse’s Cycle of Abuse

For the narcissist everyone is ultimately disposable and expendable. Since the narcissist is incapable of emotional and psychological intimacy, he/she forms “relationships” based on the ultimate need for narcissistic supplies–adulation, praise, power over others, acquisition, veneration, validation of greatness.  (This post refers to male and female narcissists).

Each narcissist has his own unique style. Some are boorish, others low key appearing to be humble. The grandiose classic narcissist is highly extroverted, seizes the spotlight at every turn, exceedingly confident, continually singing his own praises at maximum volume.

All narcissists are abusive. They are self absorbed, not tuned into the needs of others, lack empathy and project their volcanic rage– especially on to their family members: spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings, etc.

There is a cycle of abuse that many narcissistic spouses engage in: Charm, Seduction, Manipulation/Exploitation, Disposal.

“Charm is an energy, a vibration, a contagious optimistic state of mind. Charm beguiles; it can seduce us to do almost anything…It is a magic elixir that sets us soaring.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)  It is very difficult to say “No” to the magnetism of the narcissist.  They are captivating. You feel spellbound, enchanted, taken up with them.  In this first phase you are inclined to believe the narcissist and to feel that you are an integral part of his life, that this person cares deeply about you, loves you.

Narcissists are masters of seduction. They know exactly how to get under the skin, the nerves, the heart of a individual whom they have chosen.  They cleverly play on our deepest needs to be wanted, worthy, important, special.  We become entranced with them.

Narcissists are highly manipulative and exploitive. They are exceedingly cunning and know how to play complex cruel, calculated games with your deepest feelings. They use both charm and intimidation to get you to do and be what they want. You must be perfect like they are. They make sure you never measure up to their “standards.” When you don’t make the grade you are severely criticized. This emerges into a pattern of continually putting you down. This is done to weaken and control you and force you to doubt your perceptions. Another ploy is the emotional/psychological push/pull game. After a major blowup the narcissist claims he is sorry and says he needs you desperately.  He wants you back into his life, not because he loves you but due to his need for narcissist supplies to be adored, obeyed and praised constantly. When this sequence is over, he finds a reason to get angry and throw you out of his life. Many victims of narcissistic abuse repeat this pattern over and over again, thinking that the problems arising from the relationship are their fault.

“Dismissal (disposal) arrives as surely as thunder follows lightening…By this time you are not even an imprint on his mind. He has moved on to his next glorious quest…Like a speck of swirling dust, the memory of you as a unique individual and the positive magnitude of your good deeds dissolve into the atmosphere as if they never existed.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). You no longer fit into the narcissist’s grandiose sense of himself.  You have not sufficiently fulfilled the overwhelming needs that this person has for you to be perfect, obedient, ever-loving (regardless of his dark cruelties) and available 24/7.

Stop this cycle of narcissistic abuse by leaving the narcissist with your plan to regain your sense of a strong authentic self. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand these fixed personality traits that are uninclined to change.

Along with this learning, acknowledge and feel deeply the wonderful unique lovely individual that you are. Walk forward. Rest. Restore. Recover. Renew.

Come home to yourself!









Narcissists Lack a Real Conscience

Are you concerned at times that you have hurt someone’s feelings due to your harsh words or actions? Do you have worries that you misspoke out of anger and your own projections? Do you apologize when you have caused someone  distress?  These are  a few of the questions that those who have a conscience exam within themselves. Individuals with conscience care about the emotional and psychological welfare of other people. They monitor themselves and make every effort to do and say what is right and fair.  (This post refers to female and male narcissists).

Conscience is developed, not innate. By the time a child is three a primitive conscience begins to emerge through the quality of parenting. By the age of seven or eight, the conscience becomes more mature. Conscience grows as a result of parental input that provides the growing child with a sense of caring about the feelings of others. The good parent sets limits on a child’s impulses and wishes in a healthy way. Conscience  develops and becomes more refined throughout life (or doesn’t).

Conscience, the capacity to distinguish what is right and wrong and to experience guilt when we have done harm to another is absent in the narcissist. These individuals do everything in their power not to get caught in their deceptive, unethical and illegals deeds.  For them, this is “conscience.”

The narcissist is ruthlessly goal oriented to the extent that he or she is always in the fast lane to achieve his goals regardless of the harm and distress that it causes others. If lying is the best way to win–that’s fine.  The narcissist rationalizes his lies or doesn’t even acknowledge them.

Lack of conscience makes the narcissist’s movement to the finish line first much easier. He doesn’t have to be concerned about the devastating effects of his misdeeds upon others, especially spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children, co-workers, business partners and everyone who crosses his path.

How often have you seen reckless drivers on the freeway, threading in and out of heavy traffic at high speeds.  These individuals are endangering everyone else on the road but that doesn’t matter to them.  This is a visual metaphor for the narcissist who moves through the fast lane of his life goals without conscience, empathy, compassion or guilt. These individuals sleep at night without a quiver of guilt.

Our current society is exceedingly narcissistic. Being ruthless without conscience is highly accepted in many sectors of this current narcissistic climate.  Winning, “succeeding” at any cost–have become life goals. There is nothing the matter with success.  We work diligently with our gifts to do better and use our efforts to perform professionally and personally on a high level. But we do this with conscience.

Along with the narcissist’s lack of conscience comes deception, duplicitousness, manipulations and exploitation.  As the narcissist races through life, he is regressing and becoming more deeply entrenched in these pathological personality traits and actions.

Learn to recognize the narcissist quickly so that you will protect yourself from these individuals. Being informed is very powerful. You will know what to expect–nothing!

Remember,  you have a conscience—the narcissist doesn’t and will not develop one.  This is a fixed personality constellation that is not inclined to change.

You are evolving all of the time. This process is not a straight forward line. There are plateaus, trials, disappointments, losses, fears and regrets that we face. This is the life process. Give yourself tremendous credit for being a person of conscience and compassion.  You are that unique individual that always strives to do the right thing especially when no one is watching or will ever find out.  It is in the deep inner self that you feel the peace of your authenticity and integrity.

Narcissist–Master of Deceit

“The narcissist is at all times a deceiver, never straight, clear, or true …He has mastered the ability to delude himself and others. Like a sorcerer, he hatches intricate plots in secret.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

The false self narcissist lives in a world of delusion and bombastic self adoration. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)  He expects everyone to pay attention only to him. He is the singular person who exists unless you are the bearer of re-circulating narcissistic supplies.

Deceit is the narcissist’s middle name. This individual is always playing a game, hatching a plot, planning how he will trap, uproot, degrade, diminish and conquer you. This is especially the case when a marriage has disintegrated and you are in the throes of the divorce wars. Narcissists are relentless in their attacks, plots and plans to make sure that you don’t get anything–financial, psychological, emotional–out of the dissolution of the marriage. In fact, narcissists want what legally belongs to you. I have seen so many cases where the abused spouse has been left with almost nothing after a series of cruel, ugly skirmishes during the divorce. The narcissist is always armed with a trickster of an attorney (often another narcissist or socialized sociopath) who is paid the big bucks to collude with his client. Narcissists love to run the table on you during a divorce. Often this includes a tug a war with the children. Narcissists are incapable of love but they use their children as living narcissistic supplies. There is a great ugly series of battles that go on over the children.

The narcissist is a method actor who convinces everyone else that you are the bad person or weak and incompetent one–He tells lies about you to family members and friends indicating that you are psychologically unstable or even crazy.

Knowing in advance the true nature of your narcissistic spouse will help you tremendously to prepare for the divorce. Vital to this process is your learning to take charge and care of yourself. Keep your distance from the narcissist–remember that he/she is always in some state of rage, just waiting to project psychological venom on to you. If you think of the narcissist as a clinical case, this can help you to maintain a clear distance and maintain healthy psychological boundaries.

Surround yourself with individuals whom you trust and who have your welfare uppermost in their minds. Take time for yourself alone. Nourish yourself in every way possible. Seek practices that calm your nervous system–beautiful music, Nature, creative spontaneous writing and journaling, gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose, acupuncture that helps your nervous system move into the parasympathetic, spending time with people who can be trusted and care deeply about you and your evolution as an individual who deserves deep inner peace and the full use of all of your creative gifts.


Narcissists Love to Play Psychological Gotcha!

Narcissists are always plotting and planning your psychological demise if you are in their way.  They come on with their magnificent charm, endless promises, seductive ways and excessive confidence. They know precisely when and how to strike to make you feel ashamed, unworthy, a failure, ugly, a castoff. They have a cruel gift of  knowing exactly when to pop up in your presence when you are feeling particularly vulnerable and at your wits end.

Narcissistic mothers target their scapegoated children with multiple humiliations and caustic criticisms; narcissistic siblings make the unexpected grand entrance in all of their glory to put you down; narcissistic spouses wait for the right moment to emotionally pummel and humiliate you.

Narcissists are feverishly competitive. They must always win over you. They keep score. They know your moods, your weaknesses, how easily you can be deceived with their lies. Since they don’t have a developed conscience they are not burdened by wounding you psychologically, emotionally and financially.  You are not on the same moral footing as the narcissist. He or she doesn’t have a moral compass. Their True North is what they want and must have. Playing their game of Psychological Gotcha they put you back in their control  in the fight or flight sympathetic nervous system.

Be prepared for the Gotcha game of the narcissist by practicing daily healing in the ways that work best for you. Learn how to move toward the parasympathetic calming restorative nervous system through getting the sleep that you need, eating foods that nourish and sustain you, exercising regularly in the way that works best for you, stretching and doing gentle yoga poses with emphasis on breathing through the nose (Nostril breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system). Creative activities—writing, sketching, painting, music, dance–all of these and more activate the restorative healing parts of your body and mind. Guided meditation is another way of calming the body and mind. Short periods of meditation –3 to 5 minutes a day done consistently moves you toward healing. This accumulates over time.  You will find that you are calmer, stronger, have more physical and psychological stamina.

As you heal and get stronger, you will find others whom you can trust, individuals who are not narcissists and who are empathic. We don’t need a lot of friends, just a few. Friendship is a powerful part of healing and sustaining us throughout our lives.

End the cruel Narcissistic Psychological Gotcha game by using these practices and your deep intuition which always tells you the truth. Pay  close attention to these messages. We tend to wave them off. Don’t share your intuitions with most people. They won’t believe you. It is a waste of your time and effort. You will find very few individuals who trust this kind of knowledge. The more you use your intuition the more powerful it becomes.

Trust the healing process within you. Celebrate your individuality and authenticity. Embrace your creativity. Feel your loving heart.


Put Yourself First–Heal from the Narcissistic Spouse

I have found that those who are married to and divorcing narcissists have always put other people in their lives first. They are highly empathic individuals who take care of others. Many of them have narcissistic mothers and/or fathers and learn early that they must obey, dance to the tune of highest expectations, demands, recriminations, threats. “Be perfect or else” was the message they received from the narcissistic mom or dad. As a result these individuals are always in a state of fight or flight. They can’t relax. They become people pleasers and serve others. They don’t learn to give to themselves even when they are feeling ill, exhausted and completely worn out psychologically and emotionally.

Some children of narcissists develop chronic illnesses due to all of the stress, parental deprivation and abuse. I have heard from many of these survivors of the narcissist family wars.

Instead of choosing a partner who will love, appreciate and cherish them, children coming from these pathological backgrounds readily take the bait of the ever so charming magnetic irresistible narcissist. We are inclined to repeat patterns of behavior learned in childhood. These are survival modes that are very powerful. Don’t blame yourself if you have married a narcissist. It is not your fault. You couldn’t have known that you were getting into this dreadful “relationship” that would cause you untold suffering.

Once you recognize and know that you are married to a narcissistic personality and understand that he or she cannot change and have made the decision to divorce, go forward with a detailed  well thought out plan.  The essential part of this process is to put yourself first. You are not going to please the narcissist ever–even if you are perfect!

Pay attention to every detail of your plan of action. Part of this process is your healing practice. This is the first time in your life that you have watched out for yourself.  Take courage in this new freedom road you are constructing. The psychological terrain is unfamiliar–putting yourself first. Know that you are creating new neuronal pathways in your mind, that your body is strengthening, that you will is deepening, that your creativity is thriving—all of your engines are moving along with a new sound–a fine music that you are now hearing. You will become more familiar with this real self that has been inside of you all of the time. Embrace it–love it, find refuge and peace here. This is the thriving original authentic creative lively true self!