Category: Narcissistic Personality

Pay Attention to Your Intuition Dealing with Narcissists

Intuition, a deep knowing that moves through us faster than a lightening strike is with us throughout our lives. This is one of the most valuable gifts we can develop as individuals. We are all capable of being intuitive. In some families it is encouraged; in others it remains unknown and unvalued. Seeking the truth and developing high levels of intuition are closely related to one another. Small children are highly intuitive. Even babies will cry when they feel someone around them whom they sense they cannot trust. I am not talking here about a stage of stranger anxiety.

When you are dealing with a narcissistic spouse and especially going through a divorce, intuition is your constant companion and source of wisdom. It moves so quickly that it can be dismissed easily or rationalized away. Learn to be receptive to the ways that your intuition is communicating with you. Some people hear a quiet voice that tells them what to do or say. Others will see something special in their mind’s eye. Some dream about what move to make next. Intuition is a source of wisdom. The more you use it, the greater its power and easier it is to access. It is part of our true nature. I have found that many people are not open to accepting this gift as a reality. Othersembrace their intuition and use it throughout their lives.

Intuition tells us when we are dealing with a narcissist. If we pay close attention we avoid entanglements with narcissists by listening to this source of truth. If we have been married to a narcissist and have made the decision to sever the relationship, using intuition puts us on the right pathway to freedom. It will help us through every single step. You will meet others who are very familiar with this gift. They are a source of comfort and reassurance. Intuition is more powerful than intellectual thought since it travels at greater speed and gets to the central truth instantaneously. Learn to be receptive to the inner messages that are speaking to you. Listen to these guides. They are  sources of protection, security, creativity and transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Narcissists Expect Perfection—From You

Narcissists are often obsessed with the perfection of the externals–how they look, what they wear, their eternal youth, flawless skin, no errant hair on the brows, sparkling teeth that startle the eye, perfect bodies, no wrinkles. However, caring for your teeth isn’t a trait exclusive to narcissists, we should all try to maintain good dental health and attend routine checkups with our Dentist Syracuse. When they walk in a room at a party they quickly survey the scene and know that they are the most beautiful or handsome person in the room. They are thrilled from head to toe, manic over their flawlessness. They go from person to person–exhibiting how lovely they are. They’ve got it all and they are advertising it to the hilt.

There are narcissists who are obsessed with their work perfection. Many of them do perform at a very high level. Others are delusional and believe that they are perfect. They are known for delegating to others and expecting them to do all the hard work. When a project is completed the slave laborer–sometimes a spouse–is berated and criticized even if the product is superior. Their open mouthed screams can be heard down long hallways. They pick at you, like a vulture on a dead carcass. The problem is that you are alive—your adrenal glands are pouring out nor epinephrine, your intestinal tract is roiling, you have to go to the bathroom because you feel like throwing up, you cry and can’t stop–Your tears make the narcissist livid and he/she turns up the volume and may even push you around–literally. You are a living slave to a narcissistic ego. How much more will you take? What are your options? How can you free yourself? You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You need to learn to respect yourself. This is severe verbal and in some cases physical abuse. When the time of reckoning comes, many partners of narcissists take the step to separate from this horrendous way of life and leave the narcissists. There are many life stories of successful flights to freedom.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists Are Pretend Parents

The narcissistic personality is psychologically a young child who never learned to be responsible or accountable for his actions, decisions or his treatment of others, including spouses and children. Narcissists are developmentally arrested at the age of two or earlier. They Want and they Get. They cajole, manipulate, deceive, rage and lie to get exactly what they want. They are bottomless pits of having their way. They are cunning, cruel, and exceedingly exploitative, often of their own children. When a marriage with a narcissist fails, the narcissistic spouse who hasn’t paid one moment of attention to his children, suddenly want them all to himself (herself). He plays hero suddenly and becomes the great parent. This is an image that the narcissist creates. He makes sure that the cameras and attention are on him when he is playing this part. He is photographed, tweeted, linkedIn and facebooked. Narcissists cannot love their own children or anyone else. You can be married to a narcissist for many years who has ignored your children since they were born but when you decide that you can’t tolerate the abuse any longer and seek a divorce, he will do everything and beyond to get custody of “his” children. He is super dad and saint combined. When he does get custody, he ignores his children, often leaving them alone to fend for themselves. In public he suddenly becomes highly attentive to them. When the doors close and the narcissist is unseen, he has no use for them. This is the Jekyll/Hyde father that causes serious psychological issues for his children. It is important for these children to get professional help if they develop symptoms. In some cases the narcissist becomes very bored with the whole arrangement and decides to go solo and run after the lovely ladies that he knows have been waiting at stage right.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected] 

 

Narcissists Play “I have Changed” Card

One of the repetitive themes that runs through the cycle of abuse with the narcissistic spouse is: “I have changed. I want you back. I am a different person now.” This works very well for many narcissists. They are such brilliant method actors that the abused spouse believes them. She has been waiting to hear these words for years. She wants to believe that this man has transformed himself. She still loves this husband who has abused her for years. She takes him back and soon discovers that he has returned to get something that he wants. In some cases it is a financial ruse. He knows that you have been very successful at your career or business and he has come to take you for every financial asset you have. Another reason is that he doesn’t want to go through a divorce because in the agreement he will lose too much of his monetary worth. He would much rather have a pretend marriage with you as the official spouse that leaves him lots of opportunities for his affairs. He needs the image of the perfect marriage and family. Beneath the surface he is still leading a secret life.

Narcissistic personalities do not change. This is a fixed characterlogical disorder. Narcissists believe they are perfect. Don’t let the narcissistic spouse back into your life. You don’t deserve this abuse and exploitation. Free yourself. You will find your own way. You will use your creative gifts. Your energy and emotional and psychological health will be restored. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists Do Not Bother with Suffering of Others

Narcissists are obsessed with their own lives. If you fit into their their picture as part of an adoring audience that keeps their ego inflated, that works very well for them. There are followers who don’t have an identity of their own and feel and believe (especially with high level narcissists) that they can participate in the glory, adulation and power of this other person. They psychologically fuse with the narcissist so completely that they are always finding ways to emulate him, to make him pleased, to serve him, to seek his approval, to be part of his elite inner circle. There are many sacrifices that the devotee make to achieve this purpose. The first being that you give up your own life to him (her). When you get older, are less attractive, have jowls beginning to show, there is an excellent chance that you will be dropped from his presence. Will he care that you have been run out of paradise. Will it disturb him (her) that you are having a financial or medical crisis and need his assistance. Absolutely not! Even if you have known him for decades.

Narcissists are bored by the suffering, difficulties, illnesses and tragedies of others. They give you a quick clipped message and that is the end of it. Your problems are a bother to the narcissist if you ask him for help. After all, the focus is his life not yours. Some narcissistic fathers and mothers are aggravated when their children become ill. They might tell this child that he or she is lying or exaggerating. The narcissist blames the child for becoming ill and tells the little one he or she is a weakling.

When you know a narcissist whether as part of your family or as a friend or acquaintance, have you noticed their complete disinterest in what you are experiencing in your life, especially if it is heartbreaking or tragic or a difficult protracted problem. Narcissists cannot process the suffering of others, even their spouses and children. The are completely insensitive to what you are feeling. They don’t and won’t understand your experiencing and are bored by it. They either play it all down or ignore you completely. Never think you can count on a narcissistic spouse or parent to come and stand by you when you are in emotional, psychological or physical pain. This state of yours is non-existent to them or it is an inconvenience or interruption in their plans. I have heard life stories of spouses who were very ill and had to call upon others to take them to the emergency room because the narcissistic spouse was too busy or away on a trip and incommunicado.

If a person cannot stop and acknowledge that you are having a very difficult or impossible time with an illness, psychological problem, financial or family crisis, then he or she is not completely human. This individual is not worthy of your respect. Narcissists don’t change so don’t wait for the magical transformation. It is not going to happen.

You can change by recognizing your worth, your meaning and your creative gifts. Rediscover yourself by severing psychologically toxic relationships with narcissists. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Ex-Spouses Psychologically Poison Their Children

Remember that narcissists are without conscience or shame. They will never apologize for some horrible trauma they have caused you or your children. In fact, they blame every calamity on you. They twist the truth like a warm pretzel. Some spouses believe their lives are great because they have been brainwashed over the years. Others are immersed in the lifestyle that he/she provides for them. There are too many trips, parties, lovely possessions, gifts and all the other distractions that keep them deluded by the fantasies of having what they want. They are like children in a candy store with unlimited amounts of money to buy every treat they can reach.

When the marriage disintegrates and the nasty divorce dance is over, there are custody arrangements. These always cause problems. With half and half custody the narcissistic ex-spouse spends enough time with his/her children to psychologically poison them against the other parent. They tell outright lies to the point of describing an affair that the other spouse had. None of this is true. The children find this information very alarming. What makes this even worse is the narcissistic ex-spouse swears the children to secrecy. Don’t say a word; this is between you and me. Narcissists thrive on secrets. It makes them feel powerful. They control others with this mendacity. It pits one person against the other and weakens them. They are sadistic and love to watch others twist in the wind and lose their psychological footing.

Maintaining a loving, open, close relationship with your children is key to offsetting the psychological poison of the narcissistic ex-spouse. When the relationship is solid and loving, your children will tell you exactly what is going on when you are not in their presence. We only need one good loving parent or a parent surrogate.

Use your intuition and you will know what your ex-spouse is cooking up. You can smell the aromas of his deceptive stew of lies. You have the drop on him. You know the truth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissist’s Sexual Thrill That Hurts You

There are many women who are married to sadistic narcissistic men and continue to “suck up” their emotional and psychological pain. They are berated every day by their narcissistic spouse. When not in person these assaults are achieved by phone, email or text (which is faster). Some sadistic narcissists are so obsessed with inflicting pain that they cannot stop their treacherous behaviors. They tend to escalate at times when they are frustrated with their work–a business deal has fallen through, their well planned trap to disempower an enemy has failed, someone whom they hate is succeeding. Many narcissists are workaholics but spend most of their time, mentally torturing their subordinates with threats (“I can make sure that you are fired and will never get a good job ever again.” “I know your secrets. I have been watching you. You are such a fool your private life is exposed like a filthy sewer.” “I will use all of your confidential information against you, if you don’t shape up and pay close attention to what I expect of you.” It is daunting that another person can make us literally shake with fear when we are adults but this is the case with a convincing sadistic narcissist.

The stress ratchets up if you are married to a sadistic narcissist. After all, you are the living image of the perfection that he presents to the world. He expects perfection from you. Those married to narcissists know too well that even if you are perfect on every level, it is never enough. Your spouse finds every flaw and sticks you with them like a poisonous surgical injection.

Many narcissists get a thrill, like a strong sexual surge, out of tormenting you. They watch you cry helplessly. This makes them feel total power over you. They accuse you of being weak. How dare you cry over comments that are constructive and are designed to make you a more competent person and more independent. This is the excuse that they use but the truth is that they are licking their chops. They’ve got you under their power and this sends a thrill throughout their bodies and minds.

There are many spouses who endure sadistic repetitions throughout their marriages and partnerships with narcissistic men (and women). They pay a steep price. They experience high anxiety, deep depressions, emotional numbing, constant apprehension and an inability to activate their own creative gifts and take initiative in their separate lives. There are many times that arrive that tell you to get out of this ongoing psychological hells. You keep shaking these insights off. You are filled with fear of the unknown. What will you do as a person on your own. This is understandable if you have been married to this narcissist for a long time or if you have always been dependent on other partners. As you are in the process of making your decision, turn to those whom you trust. Use your intuition as you choose a few friends for support. Keep yourself physically strong, doing what works for you to maintain your health. Healing practice like gentle yoga can be very helpful in bringing you into the relaxation mode so that it becomes more familiar to you.

As time passes you are beginning to lead the life that you deserve. Now it is decision time. Many women (and men) decide to sever their relationship with the sadistic narcissist permanently through divorce. This can be a challenging process but in the end it is well worth the effort. Make sure that your attorney is not only legally skilled but understands this type of personality, the ruses and traps, their endless dramas and unlimited masks and guises. Those who have made this choice find that they can now take a deep breath, are free to use all of their creative gifts, find others who care deeply about them and now view their world from a clearer more hopeful lens, that speaks of inner peace, beauty and ,yes, joy. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Take Hold of Your Life by Healing from the Narcissist

In a mysterious way we can expand and deepen the meaning of our lives when we successfully leave the narcissist (spouse, mother, father, narcissistic family), sibling, mother-in-law) . There are many steps involved. It is a painful but highly valuable process and journey. Recognizing that you are married to a narcissist and the frequent recipient of his/her abuse is the beginning of your healing. This is a tough time. There can creep in the temptation to go back to this man or woman who has occupied large portions of your life. You may have even become accustomed to his outrageous demands and criticisms. And if you have been on board for the heightened lifestyle, this decisive move away from him/her is usually difficult. For some spouses they have been waiting for decades to make the break on the end of the high platform ready to dive into the new waters of life. “What a relief! I am free now to be myself.”

There are as many avenues to healing as there are individuals. Some find that high quality psychotherapy is very helpful. Forming a therapeutic alliance with a therapist who is clinically knowledgeable and highly empathic creates a healing bond that many need during this tough time. Become informed by interviewing several therapists. Some of them with all of their education and training are motivated by the business money driven aspects of their practice. Some therapist dabble in their practices and are not completely committed to helping their clients heal. Do your homework. It will serve you well.

Some individuals find that healing modalities like gentle yoga with emphasis on the breath and focusing the mind alleviates their stress and accesses the parasympathetic nervous system–the calming aspect of the body/mind. Others discover their budding creativity in the form of writing, painting, gardening and many other pursuits.Listening to music you love, learning how to dance in any form, walking or going to the gym are represent many different ways that you can begin to heal. If you have a friend that you can trust and call upon at any time is a source of strength. You are not alone, remember that. Some turn to meditation in the form that works for them. Short meditations are very effective in calming our errant thoughts. Don’t be judgmental when you meditate. It is all about making the effort.

Be kind to yourself. You have been through a series of ordeals as the daughter, son, sibling, husband, wife of a narcissistic personality. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Family Members of Narcissists-Abused-Discarded-Abandoned

The current societal climate rewards narcissists, especially high level ones, with stratospheric positions of power. Using their underplayed ruthlessness and a single minded focus they climb to the top by any means. Many in this culture worship economic status above personal character. It is fashionable even enviable to be a narcissist in some circles. Being overly full of oneself is expected—that’s called self confidence. Conscience is overrated. Why stay awake at night because someone who was naive was sacrificed for your benefit.

The painful destructive consequences to the personal lives of the narcissist’s victims don’t matter to a growing number in this culture. Children and spouses of narcissists pay a very high and often tragic price for being dumped and discarded. Narcissists never look back on their abandoned families. Once they are of no use, they cease to exist. Narcissists compartmentalize and have no real feelings of intimacy or compassion. With a whisper of conscience and a maniacal devotion to making money despite personal sacrifices of family members, the narcissist moves forward with warp speed, leaving misery, psychological devastation and tragedy in his/her wake.

Those who are left to put their lives together after the narcissist are psychologically bruised like soldiers who have been in the pitch of battle for years without respite. After the recognition and adjustment to being on their own, these brave warriors begin to reconstruct their lives. Their thoughts, feelings, inspirations, insights belong to them. No one is intefering with their mental processes or constantly criticizing them. They are free to make their own decisions and to seek those whom they can trust and who will facilitate their healing. Creating a life that is elegant in its simplicity, peaceful in its environment and embraces creativity, spontaneity, uses of the imagination and spirit represents the beginning of a renewed cycle of emotional and psychological growth. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

Narcissist-Essential Parts Missing-Conscience-Insight-Compassion

The narcissist is an incomplete human being. He/she lives as a false self that is grandiose, extremely self entitled,deceptive and exploitive. Narcissists are deluded all of their lives and they cannot change. The narcissistic society rewards narcissists, especially those who are at high levels of power. Narcissistic elites rule by intimidation, social and business connections their extensive influence and their monetary power. Narcissist and ruthless have become synonymous terms.

Conscience, the capacity to distinguish what is right and wrong and to experience guilt when we have done harm to another is absent in the narcissist. These individuals do everything in their power not to get caught in their unethical and illegal deeds. Lack of conscience makes the narcissist’s movement toward his goals much easier. He/she doesn’t have to be concerned about the devastating effects of his misdeeds upon others. This includes family members: siblings, spouses, ex-spouses,children.

The narcissist lacks insight–the ability to examine and understand one’s inner mental process as well as the perception of others. Narcissists are incapable of introspection and lack insight. They live from an external perspective. Their image, the persona they project to the world, how much money they have accumulated, the power they wield over others—-these are their life priorities.

Above all the narcissist lacks compassion: “Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.” Narcissists have no compassion for their own children. Why would they care about any one else? They are consistently callous. There are exceptions when they are in the process of charming someone new in order to obtain power and control over a chosen victim. The spoils of these plots include monetary compensation as well as narcissistic supplies—praise and adulation.

One message I want to convey is that as much as you yearn for the narcissist to become compassionate, have a conscience and obtain insight–this is not going to happen, ever. The narcissist has a fixed personality disorder that formed early in childhood. The narcissist has no reason to change especially in this new age of narcissism which much of the population is striving to imitate.

You are a valuable unique individual. Follow your own path—forget what “society” is saying. What matters is the insights you are having every day. Keep faith with your self. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]