Narcissist’s Sexual Thrill That Hurts You

There are many women who are married to sadistic narcissistic men and continue to “suck up” their emotional and psychological pain. They are berated every day by their narcissistic spouse. When not in person these assaults are achieved by phone, email or text (which is faster). Some sadistic narcissists are so obsessed with inflicting pain that they cannot stop their treacherous behaviors. They tend to escalate at times when they are frustrated with their work–a business deal has fallen through, their well planned trap to disempower an enemy has failed, someone whom they hate is succeeding. Many narcissists are workaholics but spend most of their time, mentally torturing their subordinates with threats (“I can make sure that you are fired and will never get a good job ever again.” “I know your secrets. I have been watching you. You are such a fool your private life is exposed like a filthy sewer.” “I will use all of your confidential information against you, if you don’t shape up and pay close attention to what I expect of you.” It is daunting that another person can make us literally shake with fear when we are adults but this is the case with a convincing sadistic narcissist.

The stress ratchets up if you are married to a sadistic narcissist. After all, you are the living image of the perfection that he presents to the world. He expects perfection from you. Those married to narcissists know too well that even if you are perfect on every level, it is never enough. Your spouse finds every flaw and sticks you with them like a poisonous surgical injection.

Many narcissists get a thrill, like a strong sexual surge, out of tormenting you. They watch you cry helplessly. This makes them feel total power over you. They accuse you of being weak. How dare you cry over comments that are constructive and are designed to make you a more competent person and more independent. This is the excuse that they use but the truth is that they are licking their chops. They’ve got you under their power and this sends a thrill throughout their bodies and minds.

There are many spouses who endure sadistic repetitions throughout their marriages and partnerships with narcissistic men (and women). They pay a steep price. They experience high anxiety, deep depressions, emotional numbing, constant apprehension and an inability to activate their own creative gifts and take initiative in their separate lives. There are many times that arrive that tell you to get out of this ongoing psychological hells. You keep shaking these insights off. You are filled with fear of the unknown. What will you do as a person on your own. This is understandable if you have been married to this narcissist for a long time or if you have always been dependent on other partners. As you are in the process of making your decision, turn to those whom you trust. Use your intuition as you choose a few friends for support. Keep yourself physically strong, doing what works for you to maintain your health. Healing practice like gentle yoga can be very helpful in bringing you into the relaxation mode so that it becomes more familiar to you.

As time passes you are beginning to lead the life that you deserve. Now it is decision time. Many women (and men) decide to sever their relationship with the sadistic narcissist permanently through divorce. This can be a challenging process but in the end it is well worth the effort. Make sure that your attorney is not only legally skilled but understands this type of personality, the ruses and traps, their endless dramas and unlimited masks and guises. Those who have made this choice find that they can now take a deep breath, are free to use all of their creative gifts, find others who care deeply about them and now view their world from a clearer more hopeful lens, that speaks of inner peace, beauty and ,yes, joy. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life