Category: Married to a Narcissist

Those who are married to narcissistic personalities and continue to adore  and obey them  have put themselves in psychological danger. (This post refers to male and female narcissists)  When  the narcissist is a forceful personality in the marriage and has “successfully” deluded the spouse into believing that he is perfect and superior, the weaker partner capitulates to the narcissist’s outrageous demands and grandiose expectations. I have seen this happen in a number of marriages. The sensitive, often empathic individual is drawn to the physical attractiveness, blind ambition, intellectual brightness, social savvy and overriding confidence of the narcissist. He or she feels fulfilled  and completed by this person who is so sure of himself.

Rather than evolving as a separate individual the spouse psychologically fuses with the narcissistic  life agenda which often includes  an obsession with material wealth, the acquisition of possessions, the disparagement of those who have not obtained their high status, the restless search for continual leisure and pleasure and the worship of self in its endless varieties and permutations.

I use the word “corrupt” to describe the serious negative psychological changes that the narcissistic spouse has on the partner as a result of this dynamic of worship, emotional  fusion and dependence. The partner goes off track and does not evolve as a true self.  The need to continue this “worship” increases as the partner becomes more deeply deluded  and entrenched into the narcissistic life style.

(Not all narcissists seek wealth and the endless acquisitions of possessions. I am talking here about a subset of the narcissistic personality population.)

In some cases the partner “awakens” from the delusion and realizes that he or she has been the narcissist’s servant not a true spouse. He has given up years of his life to this person who only took, never gave and didn’t have an ounce of empathy for his genuine feelings. When this happens, there is a chance for the partner to extricate himself from this unhealthy fusion and to break free to be himself.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. This is the character disorder of our time and these pathologies are continuing to grow and are highly accepted as the norm throughout much of our society today.

Continue to evolve as an individual. Do the hard work of getting to know and appreciate yourself deep inside. Give yourself credit for surviving your previous life experience, especially if you are the child of a narcissist, been married to a narcissist or have cruel narcissistic siblings.

Trust yourself and your inner wisdom.

 

 

 

 

Rising Strong and Steady after Divorcing Narcissist

You have spent years denying that you were married to a narcissistic personality. Don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t have known. You were serious about building and preserving your marital union. You tried so hard. It seemed to work for a while. Then the narcissist became “very difficult”–well, Impossible. and blamed you for everything that went wrong in his/her life. Narcissists only care about themselves. Everyone else including spouses and children are living narcissistic supplies that will get them to their goals of ultimate control and winning.

Now that you know that you were married to a narcissist and have gone through the painful divorce process, your life is beginning anew.

It is a very rough ride for many toward recovery. You are exhausted from the marriage wars and the divorce hand to hand combat that in some cases goes on for years. You feel beaten up but you have won back your life. Take time for yourself to rest and recover.

Don’t pay attention to anyone who is telling you to “Get over it.” Forget them. Pay attention to what your deep inner self is saying to you.  “Take it slowly. Be kind to yourself. Rest and repose and quiet. Enjoy those whom you can trust and with whom you feel the most authentic. They have your back.”

Develop routines that focus on your healing each day. Put yourself first!!!!!.  Don’t be judgmental.  Take time to be alone and quiet with yourself. You may want to meditate or write in a journal. Listening to soothing music lifts us out of obsessional thought and feeling patterns and brings us into a positive state where we can begin anew and feel refreshed. Find or create a small support group of people with whom you can share the truth and who care about you. Be appreciative of what you have been through. Work with your creative gifts which have been in cold storage during your marriage to the narcissist.

Do a form of cardiovascular exercise that works for you.This increases endorphins, boosts the immune system and helps you to sleep. Many find that gentle yoga is a source of calming, strengthening and healing the body/mind. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will speak to you and offer wise words or present you with pictures or ideas, indicating the way forward for you. You deserve deep inner peace—claim it! It’s yours.

“Paranoia is a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in an unfriendly and dangerous inner world..Inside, he is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

All narcissists are paranoid on some level. They look over their shoulders, fortify their ramparts, create traps to assure their psychological safety. They are highly secretive about this. They don’t want anyone to know their secrets.

Narcissists have never developed Basic Trust–which is the human capacity to feel internally protected and secure within yourself and to learn how to develop meaningful relationships with others.

Narcissists throughout their lives have psychologically, emotionally and financially crushed countless people, especially those closest to them—their spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children. There is a pervasive pattern of narcissistic abuse that involves the stealing of financial security by the narcissistic spouse. I have heard and read innumerable life stories of spouses who believed that they could obtain a fair divorce settlement only to discover that monetary assets had been hidden and then placed under the control of the narcissist. In a number of cases the injured spouse is not able to obtain legal representation because they have no funds. The narcissist hires a very savvy high powered attorney who prevails in the divorce court. Some of these malicious narcissists end up with custody of the children. They don’t give a damn about their children. This is a form of revenge for them and a way of maintaining their image of “good father.”

Despite their success professionally in the world and lack thereof, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself.

The tragedy continues with those who are victimized by the narcissist and their number is legion. Those are the individuals to whom I reach out. Learn to protect yourself from the pathological paranoid narcissist.

 

Many people repeat the traumas and horrors of childhood by marrying individuals who are highly abusive, explosive, cruel, cold, manipulative and duplicitous. Those who survived the wars of abusive childhoods don’t always escape from gross mistreatment in adulthood. Many start the cycle again by marrying a narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) Eventually, despite his/her charm, allure, accomplishments and smooth talk, you will be faced with the true nature of the narcissist you have married. He will start critically picking at you for no reason. One moment he is telling you how wonderful you are. In the next he is pointing the finger at some small mistake or oversight or better yet, inventing terrible character flaws that you have that exist only in his deluded mind. You are confused; you take the blame. You might even think that you are mentally unbalanced. Narcissists love to tell their spouses that they are not thinking clearly. It is a clever cruel terrifying accusation. There is something about being told that we are not in our right minds that strikes a chord that has a mighty charge.

Narcissists are incapable of introspection but they know like a great predator just when and where to strike. Narcissists are dirty underhanded players. They constantly lie to their spouses. They convince you they are loyal and they have their eyes all over the place. They tell you they are flat broke and they have bulging hidden bank accounts. They tell you they are spiritual and they spend most of their time, cheating other people.

If you are a loyal, fair human being who does not know about the narcissist’s dark nature and psychopathology, your tendency is to make constant excuses for him. Many spouses are terrified of being on their own. Others expect the incoming fire of abuse since they have been accustomed to this since childhood—It is all too familiar. When we have been in a constant psychological war of survival since birth, there is a tendency to repeat this pattern in other relationships.

There comes a time for many victims of marital narcissistic abuse, a reckoning, when the spouse can no longer and will not take it anymore. It is over. The fork in the road has come. Your deep intuition has been telling you over and over again to sever the relationship and finally the message has been heard. Many spouses listen and follow up on this knowledge. It is not easy; it is challenging but they make the break from the narcissistic spouse. This is a great victory, a necessary and positive change in a life that begins anew. I have seen this happen many times. It is different for each individual. The freedom of mind and heart and the creativity that springs forth and the making of new friendships and other real relationships is waiting at the end of this process. Embrace it! You are entitled!

 

 

 

You survived marriage and divorce from a narcissistic spouse. The years you spent giving your life to this person and trying to save the marriage were very painful. You could not have known when you married your narcissistic husband or wife that you were in for a torturous ride. You went to counseling, couples therapy and did everything you could to make the relationship work. You fought through the divorce wars including ugly custody disputes and prolonged financial skirmishes. In the end you were often left with an unfair settlement. As an ex-spouse of a narcissist some of these battles continue if the children are underage. Give yourself credit for all of the efforts you have made. Now the focus must be on your healing on every level.

An essential of healing in the aftermath of the narcissist is that you put yourself first. As a child you did not learn that this was possible and necessary.

Children who have been raised in these abusive backgrounds can be vulnerable as adults to become ensnared in the narcissist’s web and marrying this kind of individual. Never blame yourself for being fooled. Narcissists are masters of disguise and deceit. They exude charm and put you in a kind of trance that tells you that you are loved by them. Now you know the truth and have survived the severance of this toxic relationship.

These are some essentials involved in your healing and evolving as an individual:

1. Pay close attention to your intuitive gifts and follow them. They are always telling you the truth.

2. Get the sleep you need and deserve. Eat nourishing foods slowly and with pleasure–no rushing.

3. Learn to enjoy your own company and solitude if that has not been the case in the past.

4. Journal your spontaneous thoughts and feelings. Let it all flow without judgment.

5. Go deep inside the music that you love. If you are inclined, move to this music and feel your body responding to the beat and melody.

6. Do exercise regularly that works best for you.

7. Simple hatha yoga poses with emphasis on breathing through the nose activate the parasympathetic nervous system–the calming at peace phase of our body/minds.

8. Remember that you have a great sense of humor. This is one of life’s saving graces.

9. Find and keep those individuals near you who respect and appreciate your authenticity and unique individuality.

10. Get your creativity re-flowing and expanding. This process is filled with joy and a sense of personal accomplishment and healing.

 

 

Narcissists are highly secretive. They create special compartments for their innumerable secrets. There are narcissists who lead a series of impenetrable compartmentalized private lives. Since narcissists don’t have a developed conscience it doesn’t bother them that  they are continually betraying those closest to them–spouses in particular. I hear from men and woman who have been married to narcissists for years and decades who were psychologically and emotionally devastated to learn that the person they trusted the most and whom they loved deeply, cheated on them multiple times throughout the marriage. Narcissists are often obsessed with acquiring money in various forms and keeping it all to themselves. NPDs don’t “share.” Many of them have hidden cash and bank accounts that are cleverly concealed from their partners. They are masterful at “spiriting away” their assets. The spouse does not suspect this venal level of duplicity. One scenario that occurs preceding a divorce is that the narcissistic spouse will have taken control of most of the money and financial assets and hidden them through complex financial instruments or by making “arrangements” with an old business partner or some other back door means. After the divorce papers are served and the opening rounds begin, the narcissist claims that he or she has no money or assets or investments of any kind. Surprisingly, this “story” can  play well during the divorce skirmishes. At times a forensic accountant is hired to analyze and trace the money and investments that have been pilfered and concealed by the narcissistic spouse. As they cheat and steal from you, narcissists are highly suspicious even paranoid that they are being taken advantage of by their spouse. They play the victim role to the hilt. They rage that the spouse has stolen what is theirs. Narcissistic personalities are psychologically delusional. They manufacture their own reality. They detest the truth, especially when it is pointed out to them. It enrages the narcissist and activates his volcanic rage. Don’t blame yourself for not picking up the clues that you are married to a narcissistic personality. They are so masterful at concealing the truth about your relationship with them. They know just when to turn on the thousand watt charm, to promise you whatever you want and to woo and hypnotize you into believing that they love you. A time will come when you have put enough of the puzzle pieces together to know that you are being deceived and hurt, that you can longer overlook, rationalize or tolerate the insidious lies, the recriminations, the primitive wounding projections. Many spouses start to research the NPD and discover that this is the person to whom they are married. Others know deep inside that this way of living is hurting them psychologically and emotionally too deeply and for  too long. At this point the spouse can make a decision to stay with the narcissist or to get a divorce. Those who stay in the marriage are making a very tough choice but some men and women do this if they have children and want to maintain some kind of family. In some cases the narcissist has discarded you long ago and is already in a new, more exciting romantic relationship and is relieved to put you aside. Others say: “No more!” They do careful research, interview attorneys, obtain the tools that they need to move through the divorce process. Often this is a battle royale with the narcissist playing very dirty. At some point the gavel comes down and the formal marriage is over. I give tremendous credit to those who go through this process with courage, grace, fortitude, focus and stamina. Rediscovering your unique creative gifts, you unleash the power within– the True Self.

“The narcissist has an incredible sense of self-entitlement. Everything is about him and belongs to him. He smoothly oversteps the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating them to bend them to his will and his desires.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).  (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)

The narcissistic ego is so vast it cannot be measured. The narcissist must always keep his/her ego inflated at all times. He is always collecting narcissistic supplies in the form of adulation, praise even adoration from others. The narcissist feels completely entitled to disrupt and in some cases destroy the lives of others so that his needs and desires are met. Along with the extreme self entitlement is an unrelenting ruthlessness. If you are between a narcissist and his goal, even if you are his spouse or child—be prepared for this person to overrun you to get to where he deserves to be. The narcissist looks down on everyone and exploits people all of his life. For many narcissists life is all about money and power. Getting more and giving less is his motto. With his children, the narcissist is a dreadful parent. He or she may choose one standout child that is attractive, gifted and extroverted to become his clone. This is the prized one; the other children are treated like unpaid help. They don’t exist except to serve the narcissist.

The narcissist thinks nothing about a real marriage. He doesn’t have a marriage; it is a business deal. What’s in it for me? Many narcissists, male and female, purposely marry someone who is on their way up professionally or who comes from a family of wealth or who are (in the case of narcissistic women) decades older than they are and can be used to extract money and a great lifestyle out of their partner. Meanwhile they lead a secret life or several secret lives. This is thrilling to the narcissist who is living on the edge of great excitement. He or she is wanted by so many–This is proof of their perfection and greatness.

If you have a narcissistic spouse and recognize these personality characteristics along with a complete lack of empathy, exploitation, humiliations, ruthlessness, cruel controlling behaviors toward you, there are several directions you can take. Some spouses stay in the “relationship” because they feel secure in the material lifestyle and are afraid to be on their own. Others choose to sever the marriage and get a divorce and re-start their lives. Many have done this and report that after the duress of their divorce, they are making consistent steps toward turning their lives around. They are growing their creative gifts, making their decisions freely, determining their own futures.