Rising Strong and Steady after Divorcing Narcissist
You have spent years denying that you were married to a narcissistic personality. Don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t have known. You were serious about building and preserving your marital union. You tried so hard. It seemed to work for a while. Then the narcissist became “very difficult”–well, Impossible. and blamed you for everything that went wrong in his/her life. Narcissists only care about themselves. Everyone else including spouses and children are living narcissistic supplies that will get them to their goals of ultimate control and winning.
Now that you know that you were married to a narcissist and have gone through the painful divorce process, your life is beginning anew.
It is a very rough ride for many toward recovery. You are exhausted from the marriage wars and the divorce hand to hand combat that in some cases goes on for years. You feel beaten up but you have won back your life. Take time for yourself to rest and recover.
Don’t pay attention to anyone who is telling you to “Get over it.” Forget them. Pay attention to what your deep inner self is saying to you. “Take it slowly. Be kind to yourself. Rest and repose and quiet. Enjoy those whom you can trust and with whom you feel the most authentic. They have your back.”
Develop routines that focus on your healing each day. Put yourself first!!!!!. Don’t be judgmental. Take time to be alone and quiet with yourself. You may want to meditate or write in a journal. Listening to soothing music lifts us out of obsessional thought and feeling patterns and brings us into a positive state where we can begin anew and feel refreshed. Find or create a small support group of people with whom you can share the truth and who care about you. Be appreciative of what you have been through. Work with your creative gifts which have been in cold storage during your marriage to the narcissist.
Do a form of cardiovascular exercise that works for you.This increases endorphins, boosts the immune system and helps you to sleep. Many find that gentle yoga is a source of calming, strengthening and healing the body/mind. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will speak to you and offer wise words or present you with pictures or ideas, indicating the way forward for you. You deserve deep inner peace—claim it! It’s yours.
14 thoughts on “Rising Strong and Steady after Divorcing Narcissist”
I am going through one of the meanest divorce ever. Married to a narcissist for 23 years and he is trying to turn everything around to make me the bad person after he admitted to having an affair. Help!
I read this at moment needed. I am so sick of those that tell me it’s time to move on and that I need to stop being so angry and hating him. I do hate him for setting this bomb off in our home when he decided to take off and I am left picking up the pieces all by myself. He’s hurt my kids and they can only take there anger out on me since he’s not around. It sucks and i can’t just get over it.
Dear Linda: This writing is to me; it is exactly what my life has been. I say has been, because it has been a year since I divorced the NH. Your blog saved me. I have supportive friends, a church group, swimming, zumba, yoga, music, resting, and journaling. You are right on! Others: listen up! There’s no going back, only the brightest future for you. Thank you, Linda, from the bottom of my heart.
After 22 years with a husband with NPD I am now divorced and healing. The real casualties have been our children. He rejected our son when he was 19, he kicked him out of our home and has had no contact with him for 4 years. Our son is now 23 and after continuing therapy realizes he will never have a relationship with his father. Our daughter is 19 and after subtle but persistent grooming, over many years, by her father sees me as the ” bad parent”. It is a very very painful case of parental alienation. She wants no contact with me, I text her every few weeks to keep the door open but she has not responded at all. Linda, in one of your blogs can you address parental alienation and how it relates to NPD. 22 years with a husband with NPD I am now divorced and healing. The real casualties have been our children. He rejected our son when he was 19, he kicked him out of our home and has had no contact with him for 4 years. Our son is now 23 and after continuing therapy is doing well but realizes he will never have a relationship with his father. Our daughter is 19 and after subtle but persistent grooming, over many years, by her father sees me as the ” bad parent”. It is a very very painful case of parental alienation. She wants no contact with me, I text her every few weeks to keep the door open but she has not responded at all.
Linda, in one of your blogs can you address parental alienation and how it relates to NPD.
Exactly where I am ay word for word
Hello—-Every word you state is TRUE—–unfortunately for me his family aided him in prevailing in our divorce via filtering/hiding/stealing all of our assets under 3 Judge’s noses/authority. How to fight against fraud/perjury when they gave fake documents to my attorney or ignored my attorney—–and gave the courts faked false filings which is illegal but the only way they could achieve those results. I have PROOF on many secret illegal schemes how they stole/hid the money/assets from the creditors as in a state that is suppose to be 50-50…..they did 100 % assets and gave me 100% debts or made me pay for his rent, his bills,taxes all by corruption as his family had lawyers and an accountant within their businesses who helped him steal the money owed to our creditors while they forge my name on tax refund checks and altered their hired appraiser’s report—and didn’t qualify for bankruptcy as their plot was to LIE about everything to make it impossible for me to figure it out—nor have money to come back after them or get what they lied to steal including hiding a new truck from the courts/bankruptcy—-I uncovered all of their illegal actions only to face Judges too embarrassed to let anyone know this occurred giving all of their cases questionable status—being careless and liable they nor my attorney want my evidence revealed that I now have contacted the IRS and FBI for mortgage fraud, bankruptcy fraud, bank fraud, insurance fraud, falsified filings in State Courts as well as forgery——they attacked our benefits causing us to be homeless—–go them back so now he ended paying alimony violating court orders—-nothing is being done while I am disabled caring for our daughter born with a life threatening condition. I NEED YOUR HELP——NOT ALL ATTORNEYS KNOW HOW TO handle situations like this/fraud/perjury. Please contact me and give me advice how to proceed. I informed the Judges with the evidence as the internet states I can report it when I uncover it—–they are not doing anything. What can you advise me to do to help us. Also, the adulteress who caused all of this broke business laws by sexually pursuing my spouse via his job who approved the winning legal contract—-gave it to her the STATE of WI said is illegal harming many other businesses in lost revenue not able to compete against one bidder giving SEX—as my spouse wanted to ‘give her the winning bid’ to keep her close, to hide the affair, gets attention/adrenaline rush of forbidden love, as she got a raise/bonus as she is judged for getting winning legal contracts off her bids against competitors—–when she changed to a new employer —he switched the winning bid to her new employer plus I uncovered she did this to achieve her second spouse—and filed for a divorce once she met my spouse as they took our assets and put them into her home—-using him to make the home improvements while abandoned us—-while with him 32 years/married 27—she got all of our money and wedding gifts—–how is that fair? The CEO’s of the other businesses want my evidence but my X and his family will attack me—have threatened me —-as I need to know how to get this to authorities without being further harmed and made homeless again while I owned a home since 1986, paid his student loans for 11 years, did everything for him trying to keep him happy with a divorce rate of 95% with disabilities/stress—–how can I fight back on $720 monthly income that they could attack again—-and make me have no income again as they did the last time for 10 months made our disabled daughter very ill-risking her life. I want justice +need our assets for our disabled daughter who has endured 50 operations in 12 massive surgeries to lose her family, home and father due to this stranger’s selfishness—not liking her own choices for her destructive life—-came and secretly attacked our fragile family trying to keep it together—-stole everything and threw us on the streets—-robbing me of our handicap home as we now struggle without our handicap accommodations—-and barely having food to eat. She destroyed my perfect credit rating of 32 years—-so I can’t get help and our 15 year old vehicle was broken—-for 6 months—-now I had to repair because we can’t walk. I did nothing wrong—-my divorce therapist is shocked and has no answers—-only hugs me——as he is now lying about his employment to end alimony since their lies couldn’t achieve it. The courts don’t enforce the court orders nor care when they don’t obey the laws nor follow-up in their requests for documents—-they forget/ignore. I am so tired of being so perfect to keep his rage from hurting us when I never had a chance to tell him what his actions did to cause us harm—-when we were the ones he supposedly loved the most—–guess not. Help us find justice and stolen /hidden assets. thanks Laurie
Dr. Martinez-Lewi, I bought your book, and am subscribed to your blog post. I wanted to let you know that your posts often arrive just when I need to read them. I learned I was married to a narcissist after 22 years of adultery, illegitimate kids showing up, and cruel, unemotional treatment from my husband. Then I learned I had been raised by an NPD mother. I am nearing the end of a nasty divorce, and with the help of therapists I am trying to hold my own (most days). Many times your posts reinforce the idea of “listening to your gut,” and I would echo that to anyone who suspects that they may be dealing with this disorder. We can rationalize almost anything in our head; but you can’t fool the feelings of revulsion and fear that come up around a narcissist. Follow those feelings.
Such great reminders…always, in your articles. The day my divorce was final (after being together 4 grueling years), I found out through a mutual friend (ex was too much of a coward to call me directly) that my ex was in the hospital up in Canada facing a quintuple bypass. The irony was not lost on me. Here was a man who battled for nearly 3 years for his US Residency…and I sponsored him and stood by him. And then 3 days after getting his papers, he disappeared from my life without a word of explanation or apology. And now, after all that, he’s laid up in the hospital with major heart issues. No surprise to me that his narcissism finally caught up with him. Even after surviving a 6-way heart bypass, he still continues to try and control me by promising to pay me back for his part of the divorce paperwork (which I filed) and now, 3 months later I still don’t have it. I am doing my best to move on and not interact with him.
I’m blessed that I have a great support system, money of my own, a house that is paid for and a job I enjoy. I have learned so much from this situation and it has affected me deeply. It is important to rest, relax and take care of myself. Playing tennis, working out, hiking…all help me continue to feel better every day. Also keeping an element of fun and having events to look forward to is very important to me. Each day is a new beginning and patience helps.
Thank you for your expertise, Linda. I hope my story will help other women steer clear of any man who emotionally scarred and unavailable for a healthy relationship. I know I will be more mindful in the future before stepping into that arena again…if I ever do!!
Like you said, I never thought about this until she called me one.
After a lot of thinking over the years, I never realized that I was copying her behavior in order to survive.
I studied about Marriage a lot to better myself and try to share this with her.
Looking back when she asked me to do the Love Dare for her.
That should have been my biggest red flag.
Also the 6 men she had romantic relationships with over 8 years of Marriage.
After reading an article about those that let others take them from their spouse in an affair.
Are the purest form of Narcissism due to the fact they think more of their own romantic adventures than they do their Marriage.
Through the years you hear words and see actions where they are more concerned about their reputation and what others are saying rather than their behavior.
When they respond in anger and make statements where it would have been different if you did this, that or the other.
It is a form of manipulation to control you as they come up with excuses for everything.
Including blaming you and telling you that you need to take some of the blame.
When others are telling you to stop beating yourself up over it.
It is time to realize that you have done all that you could and it was them that needed to do and add more.
When you can’t count on them and have to set up fail safe plans for your own survival.
That is not a Marriage, it becomes a dictatorship.
This is not Love, your allowing yourself to be controlled.
If you keep making excuses, you will never be free from this person.
I read all these stories and see everything I was living through and at the end he managed to twist me into helping him and I signed over most of my possessions and funding. Including my pension. I feel stupid and have tried to reason to get him to change this I beg threaten with exposure and even written a letter writing down all my saddest thoughts. Still hoping for a bit of care but all it has done is fuel his ability to show the mails and letter as me being the person that has made his life bad and harassing him.i was nearly starting to feel insane and felt myself slipping to a place I did not want to go. Our divorce was very quick since I agreed to everything he asked including moving out my home ŵith our 2 dogs and giving him 99% of everything and heading back to my own country. I was no sooner out the house when his new found partner moved in. I no longer exist . I have in the last day went to see a councillor who is going to try and help me move on. I feel stupid, worthless, angry and have little or no confidence left. Taking control of my own life now feels impossible, I haven’t thought or done things for myself for years. It nearly feels like being a child.
It’s coming up on 4 years since the day I knew my 38year marriage was over. The years of lies and failed litigation initiated by him to play the victim while he lied to everyone is drawing to a close. I’m better, emotionally, than I’ve been but at age 60 the idea of starting a whole new and exiting life is having a hard time taking hold and sprouting wings.
The confidence I once had in spades is gone. What if I fail? What if I end up being a financial drain to my grown children?
I am all of you. Pieces of your stories, put together, tell mine.
The best advice I can give is to remember that all narcissists feed on the low-lying fruit. Be above them, out of reach.
Find and use the full range of your emotional maturity. You can and will soar, but you need to let go of everything that weighs you down. Remember that narcissists have no capacity for real emotion. All such behavior is learned and not genuine. So, do not fear what is not real. Let go of their burdens.
Think, when you are upset again by a situation: who owns this drama? If you do, heal yourself. If they do, let it go. If the drama doesn’t stop, let them go. Never feel that you must explain yourself or your actions to anyone.
I am not completely out of the fog yet, but I will be soon. Love and thanks to all.
Mine was 26. He is doing the same thing. He admits to affairs but is mad “I left him”.
Mine was 26 years. He is doing the same thing. He admits to affairs but is mad “I left him”.
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