Many people repeat the traumas and horrors of childhood by marrying individuals who are highly abusive, explosive, cruel, cold, manipulative and duplicitous. Those who survived the wars of abusive childhoods don’t always escape from gross mistreatment in adulthood. Many start the cycle again by marrying a narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) Eventually, despite his/her charm, allure, accomplishments and smooth talk, you will be faced with the true nature of the narcissist you have married. He will start critically picking at you for no reason. One moment he is telling you how wonderful you are. In the next he is pointing the finger at some small mistake or oversight or better yet, inventing terrible character flaws that you have that exist only in his deluded mind. You are confused; you take the blame. You might even think that you are mentally unbalanced. Narcissists love to tell their spouses that they are not thinking clearly. It is a clever cruel terrifying accusation. There is something about being told that we are not in our right minds that strikes a chord that has a mighty charge.
Narcissists are incapable of introspection but they know like a great predator just when and where to strike. Narcissists are dirty underhanded players. They constantly lie to their spouses. They convince you they are loyal and they have their eyes all over the place. They tell you they are flat broke and they have bulging hidden bank accounts. They tell you they are spiritual and they spend most of their time, cheating other people.
If you are a loyal, fair human being who does not know about the narcissist’s dark nature and psychopathology, your tendency is to make constant excuses for him. Many spouses are terrified of being on their own. Others expect the incoming fire of abuse since they have been accustomed to this since childhood—It is all too familiar. When we have been in a constant psychological war of survival since birth, there is a tendency to repeat this pattern in other relationships.
There comes a time for many victims of marital narcissistic abuse, a reckoning, when the spouse can no longer and will not take it anymore. It is over. The fork in the road has come. Your deep intuition has been telling you over and over again to sever the relationship and finally the message has been heard. Many spouses listen and follow up on this knowledge. It is not easy; it is challenging but they make the break from the narcissistic spouse. This is a great victory, a necessary and positive change in a life that begins anew. I have seen this happen many times. It is different for each individual. The freedom of mind and heart and the creativity that springs forth and the making of new friendships and other real relationships is waiting at the end of this process. Embrace it! You are entitled!
7 thoughts on “Stop Making Excuses for Your Narcissistic Spouse’s Abominable Behavior”
So true. I have been falsely accused by my husband of cheating on him. The worst accusation ever. I have been faithful, looking after our children while he is away from home for more than 4 years and only sees us over weekends. He is so miserable, hasn’t achieved much in his career, always blaming others for his lack of successes, making excuses of always being broke.
I am however happy now to know about this sad personality disorder. It’s not about me but him. I am deciding to take care of me!
Why am I not receiving these by email anymore?!?
This. This is my life. I cannot stay anymore. The plans are underway. The trunk is full. I have about $250 dollars squirreled away. My courage and fear battle. My first goal is to just get away. Rest, recover. I am 20 pounds underweight;I cannot hear out of my right ear. I wear his old eyeglasses. It hurts how many people don’t believe me. The whole scenario is worthy of a psychological thriller. The lessons I have learned about myself, my mother, my life…priceless. I love myself. I can take care of myself. I AM worthy. I AM doing this.
I am in the midst of an exhausting divorce from a Narcissist. I am 11 months along in this process. I can offer that being free of the DAILY CHAOS is a huge relief after 30 years.
No one has any idea what my life has been for 30 years. And that makes the recovery lonely. Not because I want anyone to relive this w me, but more because I need validation that I’ve been horribly abused.
There were RED flags from the first date. There were RED flags when he almost left me at the alter (humiliated, embarrassed). There were RED flags when he told me that adopting children was not going to change his (important) life. Sex was mechanical.
and seldom satisfying – I couldn’t keep up w his performance. What role was I supposed to be fulfilling for his ego? Slut? Seductress? Soul mate? He told everyone (employees, friends) that I was frigid. He was a shameless flirt (in front of me) and a chronic cheater (men and women), friends, clients, hairstylists, prayer group spouses, bar patrons, our daughter’s teacher, hotel clerks, non stop.
At dinner he would insist that we hold hands and he’d thank God for his beautiful wife and children and all of HIS Blessings. At his mothers 80th birthday party that I planned, he gave a lengthy speech (inappropriate) about how lucky he was to be married to me, that without me there wouldn’t have been this gathering, blah blah blah.
When I had enough several times (and with the support of a great therapist) I told him I wanted a divorce; he immediately went into this confusing pathetic role-crying to friends and family that he LOVED me and he would be better (spend time w me; stop sleeping around). At the same time he’d tell the children that it was all my fault; and that I was breaking up our family due to my selfishness. He’d scream at me “you’re the adult”, how can you hurt your children that you claim to love.
Mostly I remember being exhausted. I guess from living a lie and making deals w the devil himself. When I knew that he would stop at nothing to insure that my kids hated me; I took him back. He fooled therapists, lawyers, bankers, clergy, on and on. Or maybe he didn’t fool them? Maybe they had a vested interest in going along w his chaos? A lot of people benefited financially – banks continued to rewrite loans, lawyers racked up fees writing new contracts, churches were awarded generous donations, etc.
Finally the economic crisis stepped in and saved my life! He couldn’t keep ahead of all of his lies, and bad deals, and the implosion began. I think he decided as we were loosing our home of 25 years, that he was done. That’s exactly what he said “I’m done”. Oh and “you’re the mother of my children I’ll take care of you the rest of your life”! One of his girlfriends (2 years) stepped up! She bought a condo, and took him in. I’m pretty sure that she will live to regret that decision. The drama has continued. He’s hidden assets, disbursed of marital assets, (in Colorado) and moved to California where he has invested stolen money. He has declared chapter 7 bankruptcy in California. He’s having a bit of a struggle keeping his stories straight between divorce court in Aspen and BK court in Newport Beach. It may be his downfall. I live w his relatives and am doing what I can to retrieve the money he’s stolen. I go to hot yoga 4-5 times a weak to aid my recovery. I’m learning to meditate. I hike and try to eat well. I dog sit if I get a chance. I want to show my children that I can survive. I have tremendous guilt that I allowed this man to be their father.
When I have a chance to talk to women in their twenties, I try to give them a simple message.
Listen to your gut. Pay attention to RED flags.
Thank you Dr. Martinez Lewi
I’m going through this now. One year of marriage but 5 years together. I’m trying to plan my exit. I’ve lost 30lbs from stress I’m on two antidepressants and Xanax. I can’t take it anymore. I keep trying to show him what the problem is but it never works. I’m terrified of what he can do to me financially.
Spouses are one thing but having both parents who are narcissists/borderlines/sociopaths is a whole other playing ground… You can choose your spouse… but you cannot choose your parents… My parents embarked on a lifelong campaign to destroy me with their relentless manipulation and abuse, underhanded tactics, smear campaigns, and false accusations…I have cried a million tears…Suffered a million panic attacks…I have battled and survived anorexia, depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder, sleepless nights, horrific grief, broken self-esteem and self-worth, horrific smear campaigns targeting my reputation to other family members and friends, and all other symptoms of terrible stigma that accompany being a victim of the narcissist… Realizing my parents were narcissists was one of the most traumatic, horrific, and eye-opening experiences of my life…I think the worst part was knowing it was deliberate, followed by the acknowledgement of the fact that both of them are really filled with that much hate, vengefulness, and vindictiveness… But it was positive in the sense I was able to connect the dots, something I am still piecing together slowly. Disintegrated fragments of my childhood and teenage years are suddenly making sense now, at the age of 30…
There is nothing, nothing worse than having parents that have evil intent towards their flesh and blood…It is a kind of covert evil that just cannot be explained to someone who doesn’t understand narcissism and sociopathy…
If there is someone else going through this, be it their spouse, parent, sibling, anyone, LEAVE NOW… And maintain ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT…Do as much research as possible and start a NEW JOURNEY towards happiness, peace, contentment and joy…In the one year since I have discovered this dreadful mental condition, I have come very far, and mapped out a proper plan to get out of this rut…You can too…
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