Divorcing Your Narcissist - The Narcissist In Your Life

High Level Narcissists – Masters at Re-Inventing Themselves

Creating and revising their biographies out of whole cloth is a special gift mastered by the high level narcissist.

The high level conjures up stories about himself and his origins. They paint an illuminated heroic picture of their beginnings including their ancestors. According to their stories they come through biological lines of extraordinary individuals: great thinkers, scientists, leaders, –everything about their family tree is special and unprecedented. As he or she tells the elaborate tales they are very believable. There are stories of heroic deeds, fortunes made, great leaders and entrepreneurs, everything about this background is unparalleled. The high level has told this story so many times in different ways that it is automatic now with no need for memorization. Of course this is not the real history but this doesn’t matter to the narcissist. It is the glowing, grandiose narrative that enthralls others that matters not the simple truth. The narcissist believes his own fictional tale.

Along the way the high level creates and conjures special roles for his partner and spouse, making sure that this person fits perfectly with the impeccable image that he is constantly projecting.

These fictions become true biographical narratives are activated by the high level narcissist’s false self identity. Rather than growing up identifying as a true authentic self, the high level narcissist, especially if he is a golden child, from the beginning is treated with the greatest deference, like a little prince or princess, superior to his siblings. He is the golden one without flaw or imperfection. As a result of being placed in this role there are no limits put on him or her. The golden one doesn’t have a sense of limits or psychological boundaries and lacks empathy to other family members and others with whom he associates. Yes, he is often very charming and convincing and gifted socially but this is a purposeful performance all part of his influence and power over others. No true conscience develops in these individuals. They are smart enough not to get caught but they lack empathy and are completely self focused calloused and obsessed with their reaching the heights of power and control. If the must manipulate others to achieve this, that works for them. They place themselves, their self importance and sense of perfection at the top and look down on those who have not achieved their mastery of deception, manipulation and exploitation. They are always reaching for the next summit and as they rise and move up, deserting others whom they have used to maneuver to the top. These are ace competitors who will do anything to win!!!

Those who are partnered with or married to these ultimate exploiters has caused you incalculable psychological, emotional and financial harm over many years. Your mind is very discerning and you have done extensive research on the narcissistic personality and know that it is not possible to have genuine relationship with a narcissistic personality.

The wise intuitive voice inside of you makes it clear that the narcissistic personality is not inclined to change despite all of your efforts and your loyalty.

After a complex and long process you are awakened and know that you are entitled to expressing yourself freely, to experience solitude and inner peace, deserving respect and empathy and the use of your many creative gifts.

You are moving forward along the pathways of psychological transformation and the fulfillment of your unique individuality.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Marriage to High Level Narcissist – From Dream Come True to Nightmare Scenario

You were chosen by the high level narcissist because you fit his/her specifications as the perfect partner. You are bright, socially savvy, quite attractive, magnetic, empathic. You shimmer inside and out. You make people feel comfortable; they trust you. If the high level had used a formula for the right partner—you came up as a royal flush.

You filled in all of the high level narcissist’s deficits; you humanize these cold, calculating, controlling, false self individuals.

The early years were inspired by a kind of beautiful scent, a magic elixir. You found the high level enchanting and compelling. Bright, very attractive, in command of himself and others, you said Yes to this irresistible promise of having your dreams and wishes fulfilled. This is the script of the high level narcissist who despite not having a scintilla of empathy is “gifted” at pulling us into his world without limits.

When you look back now you remember the clues, the signs, the giveaways that were telling you that this person was disingenuous, a gifted liar, a double dealer, an unrepentant manipulator and exploiter. You found out that you were disposable and interchangeable. He is without loyalty or mercy. It’s all about him/her. That’s the immutable truth.

Now after many years of psychological and emotional abuse, too many ugly wrenching scenes, abandonment, you are coming to a point of decision.

Each day you feel a bit more tired, dragging yourself around, forcing yourself by will and guilt to perform in your work and personal life.

Your body is lethargic and heavy feeling; your energy is sapped, your thoughts are gloomy even morose, an endless loop. At night you dread the sleep that will not come. And when it does you are subject to horrific nightmares – being chased down dark filthy streets, trapped in an accelerating elevator, feeling the hot breath of a menacing animal staring you down. These nightmares have started to repeat themselves. You are getting messages from your wise unconscious which is speaking the truth when you are sleeping and don’t have access to your defense mechanisms of denial, repression and rationalization.

You are being contacted by your deepest self, making every effort to get your attention through powerful dreams images. These dreams are so real that when you awaken you believe for a while that you have been awake and that these chimeras of the night are true. In a clear sense they are. Dreams are messengers from the unconscious, the fountain of wisdom.

This is a time of awakening, a time for you to practice self regard and the care of your psychological, emotional, physical and spiritual health.

You make this a priority. Get the rest and sleep that you need. If you have problems sleeping, rest. Be unjudgmental about any difficulty sleeping. Resting is a powerful way to relaxation, calmness, acceptance and love of self. Good nutrition organic food if you can, quality hydration, movement and exercise that works for you: stretching, basic yoga poses, walking, dancing, spending time with Nature, expanding your creativity in every form it takes for you. A spiritual practice, meditation and prayer the way you define this. Be unjudgmental and kind with yourself.

You feel the power and energy of your authentic original self as you move forward along your unique pathways.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

You have been a primary resource of ego supply to the high level narcissist: adulation, praise, loyalty, creative collaboration.

Beneath the extreme confidence, self entitlement and charm, the high level narcissist is an individual who is constantly in need of keeping his ego fully inflated. High level narcissists create a golden circle of followers and admirers who provide them with constant re-circulating adoration, obedience, monetary rewards that raise them up on the power food chain.

High level narcissists choose partners and spouses who increase the attraction and fascination that others have toward them. A socially skilled charming sophisticated partners is an invaluable part of the high level’s appeal and cachet. High levels choose spouses who burnish their image, are gifted socially and add to the perfection of the high level’s impeccable image.

For the high level narcissist you are an object who fulfills his/her needs, wants and expectations. Your perfect performance is expected.

The high level is cunning and has a gift for knowing your psychological vulnerabilities and deep wishes.

He/she uses these skills for purposes of control and manipulation. High levels offer a series of carrots and sticks to mold and manipulate their partners. If you sufficiently please the narcissist you are rewarded; if you move independently you are rebuked, treated with disdain—thrown out of paradise. Many married to high levels tend to be people pleasers which started in their family of origin.

For some partners to high level narcissists it is the exciting and easy lifestyle that is so appealing. You feel special when you can go through your days and have everything taken care of, it is so smooth, exciting, expansive. You feel like you can have anything you want because you are connected with the magic of the narcissist. This is your delusion and denial of his/her true nature.

Behind closed doors the story turns ugly. You become the object of the narcissist’s vile projections, criticisms, humiliations. It is stressful and exhausting to be treated in this manner for so many years, even decades.

You have spent time researching the narcissistic personality, thought carefully about the stress you are under and know intuitively that this narcissist is not going to change.

You have many insights and decide to move forward along your own pathway—that you deserve to pursue your unique creative gifts, to go through your days with a sense of inner peace, appreciating and acting upon your individuality. As you practice self care each day you learn to access the calming restorative part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic. Physical, psychological and creative energies are renewed. You have come back to your original true self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists – Ultimate Takers, Dissemblers

High Level Narcissists –Ultimate Takers, Dissemblers

High level narcissists are dissemblers, filled with patterns of deceit and corruption. They conceal the truth from you at every turn. As the partner, spouse or child of a high level narcissist you can only expect lies and purposeful obfuscation from these individuals.

Some of the things that the high level takes from you:

Your inner peace and senses of solitude – The high level narcissist is exceedingly demanding – high maintenance on your psychologically and emotionally. It is very difficult to feel relaxed and quiet when you are married to or partnered with a high level narcissist. Many of them are constantly in motion, moving from one activity to the next. They have unquiet minds that are continually demanding your attention, approval, praise and adulation.

2. They Eclipse the amount of time that you can spend in the calming, restorative parasympathetic body/mind systems where you experience healing and restoration. It is always about them; they are the center of the universe and expect you to be worshiping at their throne.

3. It is tiring to be married to a high level who must have his or her ego constantly fed with glowing approval. These individuals are completely bored with others, even their spouses and partners. They are disinterested with your creativity or intellectual pursuits. They are bored and annoyed with those who possess clear independent thought. They will steal your creative ideas and pawn them off at their own.

4. High level narcissists are dissemblers who despise the truth. Constructing elaborate lies and obfuscations are the methods that they use to continue to rise up to their over the top positions of power and influence.

5. High levels put untold pressures on you to compromise your well developed conscience. They work on you to take the easy way through problems which involves lying by omission and commission. They may even offer you financial remuneration or unique gifts to turn a blind eye to ignore and reject your conscience. The pressure to go against your own fine character is often very pronounced.

6.High levels are envious of your creative gifts. Sometimes they lift your original concepts and exploit them for their own purposes. They never admit that they have taken something very precious from you. They don’t care about what they take as long as they fulfill their own selfish goals.

7.High levels wear you down with multiple humiliations that they know will compromise you psychologically and emotionally. If their vile projections keep you in a state of fight or flight day or night, that is your problem. You are to blame.

Ultimately you can never be your true self partnered with a high level narcissist. They are incapable of developing meaningful, empathic loving relationships.

At a point of deep insight you decide to move forward as a separate individual, independent, free, creative, grounded, steeped in your own wisdom, psychological stamina, unique individuality.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Rescue Yourself from the Pernicious Shadow of the High Level Narcissist

“..Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions.” Carl Jung

Trapped in a marriage or partnership with a pernicious high level narcissist, an individual obsessed with self and public image, with extreme self-entitlement, very low conscience capacity, often an infant terrible with a dreadful temper that is projected out on to you behind closed doors. This is horrifying to the spouse or child of the high level narcissist. There are the severe criticisms, the humiliations, the exhausting over the top demands, the blatant hypocrisy, the incessant lying in every form imaginable. More lying to cover other lies; this is endless with the narcissistic personality.

The high level carries from within a primitive, seething Shadow that ejects venom in various forms on to you: false accusations, recriminations, incessant criticisms, withering projections that send you into the dark reaches of the fight or flight nervous system, the sympathetic mode. You are at the mercy of the narcissist rampant regressed Shadow. The high level vehemently blames you for the pernicious traits, deeds and words that he/she is constantly using. The narcissist never owns his wrongdoings since he believes that he is perfect. It is in private that you shudder and cower as the spouse takes the full brunt of the narcissistic partner’s disowned shadow.

The opposite occurs in public with the high level who worships his image. Here there is a major shift – the look of the face, the eyes, the movements, pace, style are transformed. We are now under the spell of the narcissist’s very convincing charm offensive mode. The narcissist, an incredible method actor lights up with this charming, charismatic false self. He/she turns it on like a light switch, a transformation that is highly impressive.

Only you and a small soupcon of others know who this narcissist truly is, a regressed, selfish, self-aggrandizing, greedy, callous, manipulative, ruthless human being.

How much longer can you tolerate the scream fits, volleys of temper, scathing glances, belittling that leave you psychologically and physically weakened. You don’t and never did deserve to be treated this way.

Make a stand now for yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and deference.

With this new opening and beginning you move forward along the pathway of your individuality and creativity, restoration.

You belong to yourself again – spontaneity, joy, awe, beauty, solitude, independence of thought, full appreciation and expressions of yourself.

I want to share some thoughts about the Shadow with you.

For tens of thousands of years man has been dealing with his Shadow in a variety of ways. Going back to the dawn of time when man first walked the earth upright, he has been infused with the Shadow parts of himself found in the deep unconscious of his psyche.

In primitive cultures there were rituals that provided an outlet and understanding for integrating the shadow within the group and the individual.

Today we are still facing our Shadows. For many the Shadow remains completely unrecognized by the conscious psyche of the individual. As human we carry the inheritance of our Shadow selves. This is not a curse but an incredible boon to those who seek wholeness, individuation and the promise and fulfillment of one’s unique creativity.

We contain the distinct DNA of our ancestors of thousands of years ago. We carry these imprints inside of our body/minds. I gain comfort and strength and a sense of gratefulness to my brothers and sisters of so long ago with whom we share that which defines us as humans. Where we walk those who have trodden over the millennia, make the earth their home. We have much to learn from our instincts and innate pre-ancient wisdom that is part of every one of our cells and our very consciousness.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissistic Golden Boy Attracted to Empaths

Recall when you were face to face with an individual who exuded a palpable charm, a kind of erotic force that was impossible to deny, an enchantment. You felt the pull, a kind of psychophysiological gravity that fixated you on this individual. Right off, you were carried away, ungrounded, happily adrift, unmoored.

I have created a composite of this elite golden boy from individuals who have been described to me from their victims, some I have met, others whom I recognize from biography and psychobiography. .

The golden one of many gifts –often handsome, articulate, at times brilliant, smooths his way through life having been born as a kind of nobility. From birth the golden boy knows that he is extra special, a prince. He is admired, even adored. In many cases the mother of this wunderkind is psychologically fused with her son. The narcissistic mother chooses the son as an ultimate narcissistic supply to fill her psychological emptiness. With a father who is psychologically dependent and timid acquiescence to the narcissistic spouse. This dynamic reminds me of the complex and highly charged relationship between world renowned architect Frank Lloyd Wright and his mother Anna Lloyd Jones. Before he was born Anna knew that her son would become a great builder, an architect.

Quoting from my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life: “From earliest childhood, she filled him with Celtic tales of a mythological hero named Taliesen who had supernatural powers. Wright chose to call two of his homes, Taliesen. This betrays the force of his mother’s early indoctrination since Taliesin is not only an actual historical personage but also a poet-savior, magician, spinner of riddles and supernatural being.” Wright was a classic overt narcissistic personality of great talent and vision, who disrupted, controlled, dissembled the personal and professional worlds of others with ruthless abandon.

Enter the Empath, that unique individual of great discernment, intuition and sensitivity. Empaths are often attracted to high level narcissists. Often introverted they are drawn to this individual of towering self confidence, indomitable energy, fearlessness combined with magnetic charm.

The high level narcissist is a clever taker; the empath a consummate giver. The empath makes the high level look like a very fine person. Besides the empath anticipates the high level’s needs and wishes and extends themselves without question.

Empaths often question themselves and find that they are wanting. If drawn into the narcissist’s enchanted circle the empath is loyal and tends to put up with the projections, criticisms, and humiliations that re being dished out. Empaths often blame themselves for what others have done to them. Loyal to a fault they continue to forgive the golden boy narcissist his multiple wrongdoings.

There is a point of awakening when the Empath has had more than enough of the high level’s brand of abuse and with research and inner wisdom, decides to move forward along the pathways of the original self and put the emphasis on self-care and creative and personal transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists Spew Their Vile Shadows on to Their Spouses and Children

High Level Narcissists Spew Their Vile Shadows on Their Spouses and Children

Quoting from my book: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist:

”Psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung introduced the archetype of the Shadow, that part of the psyche that…t is largely unconscious and dispossessed…Those who have no conscious acquaintance with their shadow, project forgotten, forbidden and disowned parts of themselves on to others in destructive ways.”

“Those who have no conscious acquaintance with their shadow, project psychologically disowned pars of themselves on to others. When kept out of conscious awareness, the shadow overruns the personality. Like the shadow of the moon in mid-day eclipses the sun, everything becomes dark. The disowned shadow takes retribution against the closed personality, revealing itself in highly destructive ways. The shadow elements that control an individual’s personality are a lethal poison that re projected on to those closest to him—spouses, children and other family members.”

“One way or another, the shadow seeps out, rushes from its hiding place and floods the personality.”

The high level narcissist, though charming, accomplished and charismatic, is psychologically shallow. For most it is the achievement of the perfect image and persona that supersedes the personality.

The high level uses a series of powerful defense mechanisms that keep him/her from searching for self-truth and insight. This is not their focus. They are driven to succeed in the world, they compete and win against others who would dare to compete with them. Their values are materialistic, have a surface veneer that shines brightly on the outside and hides the shallow empty horrors deep in their disturbed psyches.

Throughout their days, the high level uses the powerful defense of denial which allow him to create his own sense of reality. The high level is gifted at putting together a flawless package of privilege, luxury, surface beauty, indulgences beyond the imagination. A voluptuary to the core, the high level seeks unending multiple pleasures.

Deep inside the high level has concealed the dark, vile, aggressive parts of himself/herself that seethe with frustration, self-loathing, bottomless emptiness.

Spouses and children of the high level narcissist become recipients of the vomiting of this horrid, ugly brew.

These events become frequent upon the part of the high level narcissist who is blaise about his primitive multiple transgressions against those closest to him. At times he blames the victim for his horrific behavior. High levels don’t apologize for their outrageous behaviors

It is automatic for the high level for taking no blame since these individuals don’t develop a conscience. Of course they draw the line on deeds that will get them into trouble.

With research and intuitive wisdom you recognize that you can no longer share yourself with a loathsome being who is transforming himself often into a permanent terrifying vile version of Mister Hyde.

You are fully awake and aware. Now is your time for separating yourself away from this daily nightmare. You deserve to continue your process of evolutions as an individual who experiences solitude, inner peace, the gifts of your creativity, the company of those whom you can trust and who support and encourage your continued development as a person of insight, integrity and seeker of the truth. You are on your way. Give yourself special attribution for the journey you are taking on the pathway of the original self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Selfless Servants to High Level Narcissists

Selfless Servants to the High Level Narcissist

Besides jeopardizing their psychological and physical health, those who live with narcissists rob themselves of vital opportunities to develop their unique creative gifts. They often set aside their talents, drives and dreams to spend huge amounts of time and energy at the disposal of the obsessive acquisitiveness of their high level narcissistic partner.

The high level narcissist expects you to perform perfectly for them. Their demands are unrealistic and outrageous. Those who are trapped in these marital arrangements feel like they must acquiesce to the overpowering wills of their partners.

Some individuals who are partnered with high level narcissists grew up with a narcissistic parent. As children they were treated like servants, expected to have full charge of the younger children, even the babies in the family. As early as five years of age, these kids were expected to do the heavy housework, cooking, cleaning, fetching. Narcissistic mom or dad was constantly screaming at these small kids. When the slightest mistake was made or something like the dinner didn’t turn out perfectly, the small son or daughters was horribly punished and made to feel ashamed and worthless. Growing up under these conditions of psychological and emotional abuse and servitude is chilling. As adults these individuals do not develop a healthy sense of self entitlement, a core belief that they are worthwhile, a sense of solid well being. They feel unworthy.

This is the reason why so many of them are attracted to the high level narcissist who is so charming and compelling in the beginning. When the narcissistic partner turns ugly and becomes very demanding, these outrageous behaviors are familiar to the spouse who grew up as the unworthy child of the narcissistic parent.

Being a selfless servant to the high level narcissist is a familiar role to the adult child of a narcissistic parent. They go along to get along. Feeling unworthy and not enough these partners put up with the rages, humiliations, demands, iron will control of their psychologically abusive partner.

For some there is a time of awakening, a clear realization that they can no longer remain in this role of servitude. They recognize that they must move forward along their own unique pathway of their authentic self.

This is a decision of triumph and strength. Individuals who follow their own pathways embrace their individuality with all of their creative gifts and finally find respite, restoration and the fulfillment of their true selves.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Prevailing Over Malevolent High Level Narcissists

Prevailing Over the Malevolent High Level Narcissist

In a roiling sea of high level narcissists you are often in a state of anxiety, worry, self-doubt, uncertainty, confusion. This is not surprising since the high level narcissist is a very tricky, shape-shifting individual.

Infused with mesmerizing charm, gifts of seduction and persuasion it is very difficult not to become entranced with the high level. They possess a kind of magic presence that is drawn from one of their enchanting personas. Their eye contact is riveting, almost hypnotic. We feel their appraisal and moves toward us. They are stepping up their game. They make plans to catch us in their psychological butterfly nets.

The high level narcissist searches out those whom he wants to become part of his coterie, his golden circle, that place of honor that the high level bestows on special people in his intimate enclave. Of course the high level is loyal to no one but himself. After years of blind devotion and arduous work the narcissist will discard you without explanation or ceremony if he has found someone better to serve his outrageous demands and impossible standards. The narcissist is immune to the suffering that he causes others. even his spouses and children. His search for self- aggrandizement has no bounds. Above it all, the high level narcissist is ultimately an exploiter, usurping the talents, creative energies and sometimes the morality and decency of others. He is feverish miner of the human gold of his victims. His see and destroy missions are without conscience or boundaries.

Always exploitive and controlling, the high level narcissist plots and plans his moves toward you. Being selected by a narcissist to play a role in his/her life drama is considered a great compliments and achievement.

As you move through your awakening to the true nature of the high level narcissist, remember who you are–the exact opposite of these individuals.

You can and will prevail and recover and restore your true original self.

Be reminded of the gifts which are unique to you. You are strong, sensitive, kind, intelligent, empathic, resolute, of fine character, creative and holy within.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissistic Golden Child

Quoting from my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life:

“In many ways, the birth of the future narcissist is a second coming, the fulfillment of all the hopes and dreams of the parents. This child is the chosen one…In a family of several children, the golden one(s) is picked for his/her handsomeness/beauty, charm and magnetism, intellectual prowess, artistic talent or some combination of these qualities. In some instances, the budding narcissist is an only child or first child, the focus of attention in the household. A common message communicated by the parents is “everything we do is for you—you are the center of our world.”

The budding narcissist never learns about frustration tolerance since he/she always gets his way. Similarly, he doesn’t fully develop a conscience since he is never told “No” or taught to respect others, to care about them, to not participate in immoral deeds.

The growing narcissist is allowed to and say whatever he wants all the time.

He feels that there is nothing that he cannot do. The future narcissist never achieves a true separation from mother and or father, nor does he acknowledge prohibitions on anything that he wants or chooses to do. Psychologically he remains a small child, behaving as if only his wishes matter. Mother’s or father’s constant mantra of success and winning resonates in his ears, Slowly and surely, he is indoctrinated to believe that he is superior. The high level narcissist spends his life convincing others of his greatness.

Understanding the true nature and origins of the narcissistic golden child provides you with valuable knowledge for identifying these individuals and developing a deep wisdom about human nature.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.