Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers - The Narcissist In Your Life

Marriage to High Level Narcissist – From Dream Come True to Nightmare Scenario

You were chosen by the high level narcissist because you fit his/her specifications as the perfect partner. You are bright, socially savvy, quite attractive, magnetic, empathic. You shimmer inside and out. You make people feel comfortable; they trust you. If the high level had used a formula for the right partner—you came up as a royal flush.

You filled in all of the high level narcissist’s deficits; you humanize these cold, calculating, controlling, false self individuals.

The early years were inspired by a kind of beautiful scent, a magic elixir. You found the high level enchanting and compelling. Bright, very attractive, in command of himself and others, you said Yes to this irresistible promise of having your dreams and wishes fulfilled. This is the script of the high level narcissist who despite not having a scintilla of empathy is “gifted” at pulling us into his world without limits.

When you look back now you remember the clues, the signs, the giveaways that were telling you that this person was disingenuous, a gifted liar, a double dealer, an unrepentant manipulator and exploiter. You found out that you were disposable and interchangeable. He is without loyalty or mercy. It’s all about him/her. That’s the immutable truth.

Now after many years of psychological and emotional abuse, too many ugly wrenching scenes, abandonment, you are coming to a point of decision.

Each day you feel a bit more tired, dragging yourself around, forcing yourself by will and guilt to perform in your work and personal life.

Your body is lethargic and heavy feeling; your energy is sapped, your thoughts are gloomy even morose, an endless loop. At night you dread the sleep that will not come. And when it does you are subject to horrific nightmares – being chased down dark filthy streets, trapped in an accelerating elevator, feeling the hot breath of a menacing animal staring you down. These nightmares have started to repeat themselves. You are getting messages from your wise unconscious which is speaking the truth when you are sleeping and don’t have access to your defense mechanisms of denial, repression and rationalization.

You are being contacted by your deepest self, making every effort to get your attention through powerful dreams images. These dreams are so real that when you awaken you believe for a while that you have been awake and that these chimeras of the night are true. In a clear sense they are. Dreams are messengers from the unconscious, the fountain of wisdom.

This is a time of awakening, a time for you to practice self regard and the care of your psychological, emotional, physical and spiritual health.

You make this a priority. Get the rest and sleep that you need. If you have problems sleeping, rest. Be unjudgmental about any difficulty sleeping. Resting is a powerful way to relaxation, calmness, acceptance and love of self. Good nutrition organic food if you can, quality hydration, movement and exercise that works for you: stretching, basic yoga poses, walking, dancing, spending time with Nature, expanding your creativity in every form it takes for you. A spiritual practice, meditation and prayer the way you define this. Be unjudgmental and kind with yourself.

You feel the power and energy of your authentic original self as you move forward along your unique pathways.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists – Their Insatiable Greed and Manipulations

Human greed has been with us for tens of thousands of years. Greed is one of the great sins – the relentless pursuit of money, properties, luxurious possessions and the dark manipulations that are part of this game of pursuing more. In society there are high level narcissists throughout history who have based the purpose of their existence on how much they could acquire and control. This is at the core of their being day and night.

Greedy high level narcissists are highly manipulative. With their obsessive need for more they plot and plan how they will exploit others, including their spouses, ex-spouses, relatives, children, “friends” business associates. Everyone presents an opportunity for the high level to use others to keep their ego fully inflated.

When the high level’s greed leads to tremendous financial success, this individual feels special and over entitled. He looks down on those who have not achieved his level of success. At the same time he burns with envy at those who have more money, wield raw power and material acquisitions. He watches every move of those who have become multi billionaires and is enraged that they are climbing with such speed up the summits of extraordinary wealth. This motivates them to push harder each day, each hour. The high level plots his moves, finding devious ways he/she can take advantage of others who are more vulnerable whom he can manipulate and will bend to his will.

Greed is a primary driver for many high level aggressive narcissists.

Male and female high level narcissists pursue partners and prospective spouses who are well connected socioeconmically. Heirs and heiresses are among their favorites. This is the perfect partner for one of these high stepping, wealth obsessed high level narcissists. They do deep research to find the precise individuals who can fit their specifications. This person must be very attractive, well educated, come from a family of wealth and high level social connections.

High level greedy narcissists are “gifted” at finding their way into these privileged circles.

Often attractive and handsome with magnetic charm, they engages the individuals on their A list of possible conquests. The high level knows exactly how to play people, make them feel unique and special, cater to their interests, passions, wishes and what make them tick. They know exactly how to flatter you with their words and charming non-verbals: riveting eye contact, appearing to be fascinated by everything you say and do. These are award winning method actor performances.

Many are enraptured by the high level narcissist and captivated they partner with and marry, these high climbers. Some time the partner has no idea that he or she is being manipulated and exploited. The narcissistic partner insists on using your assets and properties to finance their excursions into business deals. For the narcissistic personality what belongs to you is theirs. This financial arrangement can go on for many years. The exploitation is nonstop. When the greedy high level narcissist has acquired enough money is tired of the current spouse, he or she moves on to the next money making source. It’s like gold prospecting. You strike gold, mine it out and then move on to the next possible gold rush. For the high level narcissist you are a commodity and resource that makes him very rich. You are interchangeable with others. If you don’t bring it forward he will easily find someone else. For the high level greedy narcissist, everyone is expendable.

High level narcissists steal creative concepts and fully completed project if they think they can get away with it. It isn’t a conscience that stops them, it is a cool calculation about whether they would be exposed and found out. Otherwise straight ahead they move without a twinge of conscience.

If you are partnered or married to a greedy high level narcissist there is a time of reckoning of becoming awakened to the true nature of the narcissistic personality. You can no longer be exposed to their psychological and moral toxicity. You are exhausted from their taking advantage of you, financially, psychologically, emotionally, creatively and spiritually.

You stand firmly grounded on your individual wisdom and insight. Now you move forward along the pathways of the healing and restorative parasympathetic of self – care, the fruits of your unique creativity, the beauty of your self expression, spontaneity, solitude of inner peace. Give yourself tremendous credit for this journey you are making. And always listen to your intuition, a divine gift.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

You have been a primary resource of ego supply to the high level narcissist: adulation, praise, loyalty, creative collaboration.

Beneath the extreme confidence, self entitlement and charm, the high level narcissist is an individual who is constantly in need of keeping his ego fully inflated. High level narcissists create a golden circle of followers and admirers who provide them with constant re-circulating adoration, obedience, monetary rewards that raise them up on the power food chain.

High level narcissists choose partners and spouses who increase the attraction and fascination that others have toward them. A socially skilled charming sophisticated partners is an invaluable part of the high level’s appeal and cachet. High levels choose spouses who burnish their image, are gifted socially and add to the perfection of the high level’s impeccable image.

For the high level narcissist you are an object who fulfills his/her needs, wants and expectations. Your perfect performance is expected.

The high level is cunning and has a gift for knowing your psychological vulnerabilities and deep wishes.

He/she uses these skills for purposes of control and manipulation. High levels offer a series of carrots and sticks to mold and manipulate their partners. If you sufficiently please the narcissist you are rewarded; if you move independently you are rebuked, treated with disdain—thrown out of paradise. Many married to high levels tend to be people pleasers which started in their family of origin.

For some partners to high level narcissists it is the exciting and easy lifestyle that is so appealing. You feel special when you can go through your days and have everything taken care of, it is so smooth, exciting, expansive. You feel like you can have anything you want because you are connected with the magic of the narcissist. This is your delusion and denial of his/her true nature.

Behind closed doors the story turns ugly. You become the object of the narcissist’s vile projections, criticisms, humiliations. It is stressful and exhausting to be treated in this manner for so many years, even decades.

You have spent time researching the narcissistic personality, thought carefully about the stress you are under and know intuitively that this narcissist is not going to change.

You have many insights and decide to move forward along your own pathway—that you deserve to pursue your unique creative gifts, to go through your days with a sense of inner peace, appreciating and acting upon your individuality. As you practice self care each day you learn to access the calming restorative part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic. Physical, psychological and creative energies are renewed. You have come back to your original true self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Leaving Your Narcissistic Parent Behind – Five Steps

Growing up as the child of a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficult and complex life histories a child can experience. The psychopathology of the narcissist is deep and daunting. As a baby and young child you were subjected to the full force of the narcissistic personality. Quoting from my book: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist offers a clear picture of this fixed, personality: Narcissistic personality disorders are characterized by extreme self-absorption, lack of empathy, ruthlessness, incapacity for emotional intimacy, volcanic rage, chronic lying, deceit and exploitation… The narcissist lacks a conscience; his sense of right and wrong is determined by how clever he is at not being exposed or punished for his unethical, immoral and illegal behavior.

The narcissist believes he/she is superior to others. He has an overriding sense of self-entitlement…For the narcissist, everyone is disposable; one person is interchangeable with another. .He has neither a memory nor one scintilla of concern about the victims of his psychological crimes…Beneath the elaborate mask of a grandiose false self, the narcissist unconsciously experiences a deep, intractable psychological emptiness.

Your restoration and healing begins with your deep research and study of the true nature of the narcissistic parent. Your understanding of the narcissistic personality provides you with psychological and emotional distance from this non parent.

You are taking the initiative to separate yourself from the narcissistic mother or father who was incapable of attachment, love, caring, warmth, empathy, protection or guidance. This is a foundational step for moving forward as a psychologically grounded individual.

Children of narcissistic parents grow up with blocked emotions. Their feelings were stifled because it was psychologically dangerous to express themselves. When we squelch ourselves we cannot be spontaneous. We are constantly putting the brakes on our self expression. Growing up as the child of a narcissist we are required to tow the line, to model our reactions to the tune and timing of this distorted, demanding, derisive personality. Being in one of these homes is like what psychoanalyst Alice Miller call a kind of prison. In her first book she named these children Prisoners of Childhood.

Now that you are in the process of awakening to yourself allow feelings to come through. When you feel laughter bubbling up let it blossom ; when tears form and fall from your eyes, let them flow. Spontaneous writing is a creative way of releasing feelings that are often hidden from the rational. Take a pen and pad or notebook and let yourself write whatever comes up without editing or judgment. This is an incredible tool of discovery and creative. Long hidden feelings, memories and thoughts come to consciousness and are expressed by you on the page. This is a part of the real you that has been hidden for a long time that is now being expressed in the most unique beautiful way.

3. Recognizing that the deprivations and psychological abuse projected on to you was not your fault. You were the innocent child the victim of the narcissistic parent’s cruel, wanton projections. The cruel words and criticisms that you at times still hear inside of your mind were manifestations of your narcissistic parent’s psychopathology and had nothing to do with your true essence. You were on the receiving end as an innocent child who was blameless. Take this truth inside and let it resonate deeply within you. Rest in knowing that you were an innocent, a precious child. Feel this deeply in yourself now.

Practice self care each day. Make it simple and do it your way. Get the rest and sleep that you need . If you have trouble sleeping and falling back to sleep, rest. Do not be judgmental when you have difficulty sleeping. Eat nourishing food, organic if possible. Hydrate well with pure water. Movement and exercise reduce stress, stretch our muscle and make us stronger with greater endurance. Spend time with Nature. Allow its beauty and mystery to captivate you in its magic. When we are engrossed in Nature in the moment we are healing and restoring ourselves.

5.Tap into your creativity each day. This takes as many forms as there are individuals. Think of all the ways you are creative: drawing, painting, sketching, sewing, cooking, baking, singing, dancing, chanting, gardening, all forms of writing, doing research on what fascinates, you, crocheting, knitting, sewing, quilting, photography, woodworking, ceramics, night dreaming, daydreaming, reveries.

And —Be Kind To Yourself!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

The Unwelcome Daughter of A Narcissistic Mother

High Level Narcissists Plot Their Way to the Top

High level narcissists are obsessively driven to reach the top of their mountains of ambition and publicly praised achievement, whether the goal is tremendous wealth, power, prestige, veneration.

For the high level this is a much easier goal since these individuals are very light in the conscience department. The narcissistic personality does not form a highly development conscience during his/her formative years. On the outside this person can appear to have a sense of decorum and obedience to the rules but when you look beneath the surface of the perfect façade you find an absence of adhering to what is right or wrong particularly in their dealings with individuals close to them: spouses, partners, ex-spouses, children, business associates.

It takes discernment and empathy to function with a highly developed conscience. The person of good character naturally thinks about how his behaviors thoughts and actions affect others and their well being.

The high level narcissist doesn’t give these considerations a thought. Of course the high level cleverly goes through the motions and pretenses of having integrity but this is the thinnest of characterlogical veneers. In some quarters in their “religious lives the high level is able to fool members of his spiritual community into thinking that he/she is a fine person of integrity and morality.

I have observed that high levels obtain huge ego supplies by planning their route to the upper reaches of success. They have a detailed agenda clearly in mind like a master blueprint that they will follow precisely.

Ultimately the high level narcissist is a predatory exploiter. With their charm and cunning they magnetize individuals to them who will take their irresistible bait – promises of love, a phenomenal lifestyle, social status, the capacity to have exotic experiences, invitations to the most exclusive golden circles.

High level narcissists have no difficulty at all abandoning their spouses, children, friends when according to their plan of success they must shift, in some instances leave their spouses and children to make their next ascendant move.

For the high level, this is an Everest move, a thrilling process that reinforces their sense of limitless power and perfection. The high level is never bothered by those whom he abandons, even his own children. In some instances they buy off some of the kids whom they think are “promising” to make themselves look real good as a fake parent.

For the high level people are interchangeable and therefore, expendable. They do not understand or care in the least about the precious reality of the individual.

When he shifts to the next level this narcissist knows that he will easily find other partners who will satisfy his needs and wishes. These masters of deceit are thrilled with their progressions upward into the clouds that form the crown at the summit.

Along the way they have psychologically and emotionally harmed scores of individuals, abandoned and upended too many lives, including their children. We don’t get a “do over” with kids—but with the high level this doesn’t matter.

With all of their feckless and dirty deeds high level narcissists sleep soundly at night while their victims stare at the ceiling, in the throes of another insomniac night, weep listlessly in the dark, or even blame themselves for all of the incalculable harm the high level has wrought. Those who ardently pray for an old testament god to reign down on these culprits hear silence.

You are the one who has borne and survived the cunning plots and plans of the high level narcissists

Now you know this person in full. Understand that you are and never were to blame for his/her deceits, abandonments, vile projections, insidious acting out behaviors.

Give yourself tremendous credit for your psychological stamina, clear discernment, personal integrity, your unique creative gifts, compassion and empathy.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissist – Lies, More Lies, Damn Lies

High Level Narcissist: Lies, More Lies and Damn Lies

You have known for a long time, many Summers and Springs that you partner and spouse was lying to you by commission and omission.

You didn’t want to believe your perceptions and instincts. When the message of untruth came across clearly, you retreated from your clarity and returned to your belief in the lies of the high level narcissist. You have been under the spell of high level for decades.

High level narcissists gets a thrill out of lying to you.

You are under his control and the narcissist knows that he can play you anyway he wants. The high level has taken your measure and found your deepest vulnerabilities, your empathy, integrity, individuality.

The narcissist is obsessed with controlling your thoughts, feelings, plans, creative pursuits.

The shameless narcissist lies; he/she perfected his perfidies as a young child.

Chronic lying is a permanent fixture of the high level narcissist. Without a developed conscience you move adroitly, forcing your power position on your partner, spouse, ex-spouse, children.

Clever, cunning, predatory high level narcissists layer lie upon lie and experience giddy pleasure through their countless deceits. If they suspect they will be found out, the high level fashions a more “elegant lie” on top of the previous ones.

Their lies are served up with irresistible charm that makes you believe in them all over again. You make excuses for the high level. As a result your patterns of self-deception are reinforced.

As the high level narcissist lies, he oozes charm that is coupled with artfully designed promises that warm your heart and reinforce your attachment to them.

You make countless efforts to convince yourself that the narcissistic spouse or partner is a good person. You hold on to this false belief to reinforce the attachment to the high level narcissist and as a result postpone your rights to inner peace, respect for your personal boundaries and transformation and the rediscovery of you limitless creative gifts.

After numerous intuitive messages and inspirations and your research you awaken to the true reality of the high level narcissist and the travisties, deceits and traumas you have endured and sustained. The voice of your real self says: No More!

You hear yourself say: I am moving in my own direction My compass is due north —-the truth, the source, the beauty, the hope, independence, calm, solitude, creativity, individuality unbounded.

Children of Narcissistic Mothers – Re-Traumatized by High Level Narcissists

You grew up as a child of maternal deprivation. Your mother’s presence was neither loving nor protective. Early on you knew that Narcissistic Mama (or Mothering Figure) couldn’t stand your presence, even as a little child.

Psychiatrist and researcher Dr. John Bowlby created the term Maternal Deprivation to describe a mother’s lack of attachment and warmth toward her child communicated as cold dismissiveness and lack of empathy.

These children even when their physical and environmental needs are met, experience an existential sense that there is something fundamentally wrong with them—mother doesn’t love them and therefore they are horribly defective.

As adults some of these children feel guilt and shame, a deep sense of unease for being imperfect and letting mother down. They feel that they can never measure up no matter what they achieve professionally or personally.

As babies they looked into their mother’s eyes and discovered a void—a cold uncaring, dismissive “don’t come near me” revulsion.

Enter the high level narcissist, infused with magnetic charm, command of self, energetic, self-confident, charismatic. Children of narcissistic mothers become entranced with the high level narcissist. Their high energy, expanded egos, towering ambitions are compelling to the child of narcissistic maternal deprivation. They are spell bound, caught up in the romantic magic of the high level. They feel energized, hopeful about this new gambit.

Marriage and partnership with the high level narcissist is exciting in the beginning. The narcissist is on his or her very best behavior, winning the heart and mind of the partner.

After a short period of time, the narcissistic partner reveals their cruel, demanding, manipulative side. You experience the extreme controlling qualities of the narcissistic partner. Everything you do or say or even think is monitored and judged. You are the object of cruel, obnoxious projections frequently, of course, in private behind closed doors. You dare criticized, castigated for the smallest oversight or mistake. You are name called, unjustly accused and criticized.

You often now feel anxious, jumpy just waiting for the next volley of insults and recriminations. You develop chronic insomnia and digestive disorders. Why do you tolerate this horrendous treatment. In the back of your mind in the unconscious there is a part of you that still feels empty and unworthy and essential wrong and not enough.

You were traumatized as a small child and now you are being re-traumatized by your narcissistic spouse.

This is your time and opportunity for awakening to the true nature of the high level narcissist.

With deep insights and intuition and your research you become clear that you will move forward along your own pathway of recovery, transformation and the continued evolution of your true self.

Along the way you learn to be self entitled, deserving of inner peace, worthy of trust and warmth, the full use of your many creative gifts.

Practice self care: rest, sleep, movement/exercise, food, hydration, Nature.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Selfless Servants to High Level Narcissists

Selfless Servants to the High Level Narcissist

Besides jeopardizing their psychological and physical health, those who live with narcissists rob themselves of vital opportunities to develop their unique creative gifts. They often set aside their talents, drives and dreams to spend huge amounts of time and energy at the disposal of the obsessive acquisitiveness of their high level narcissistic partner.

The high level narcissist expects you to perform perfectly for them. Their demands are unrealistic and outrageous. Those who are trapped in these marital arrangements feel like they must acquiesce to the overpowering wills of their partners.

Some individuals who are partnered with high level narcissists grew up with a narcissistic parent. As children they were treated like servants, expected to have full charge of the younger children, even the babies in the family. As early as five years of age, these kids were expected to do the heavy housework, cooking, cleaning, fetching. Narcissistic mom or dad was constantly screaming at these small kids. When the slightest mistake was made or something like the dinner didn’t turn out perfectly, the small son or daughters was horribly punished and made to feel ashamed and worthless. Growing up under these conditions of psychological and emotional abuse and servitude is chilling. As adults these individuals do not develop a healthy sense of self entitlement, a core belief that they are worthwhile, a sense of solid well being. They feel unworthy.

This is the reason why so many of them are attracted to the high level narcissist who is so charming and compelling in the beginning. When the narcissistic partner turns ugly and becomes very demanding, these outrageous behaviors are familiar to the spouse who grew up as the unworthy child of the narcissistic parent.

Being a selfless servant to the high level narcissist is a familiar role to the adult child of a narcissistic parent. They go along to get along. Feeling unworthy and not enough these partners put up with the rages, humiliations, demands, iron will control of their psychologically abusive partner.

For some there is a time of awakening, a clear realization that they can no longer remain in this role of servitude. They recognize that they must move forward along their own unique pathway of their authentic self.

This is a decision of triumph and strength. Individuals who follow their own pathways embrace their individuality with all of their creative gifts and finally find respite, restoration and the fulfillment of their true selves.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissistic Golden Child

Quoting from my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life:

“In many ways, the birth of the future narcissist is a second coming, the fulfillment of all the hopes and dreams of the parents. This child is the chosen one…In a family of several children, the golden one(s) is picked for his/her handsomeness/beauty, charm and magnetism, intellectual prowess, artistic talent or some combination of these qualities. In some instances, the budding narcissist is an only child or first child, the focus of attention in the household. A common message communicated by the parents is “everything we do is for you—you are the center of our world.”

The budding narcissist never learns about frustration tolerance since he/she always gets his way. Similarly, he doesn’t fully develop a conscience since he is never told “No” or taught to respect others, to care about them, to not participate in immoral deeds.

The growing narcissist is allowed to and say whatever he wants all the time.

He feels that there is nothing that he cannot do. The future narcissist never achieves a true separation from mother and or father, nor does he acknowledge prohibitions on anything that he wants or chooses to do. Psychologically he remains a small child, behaving as if only his wishes matter. Mother’s or father’s constant mantra of success and winning resonates in his ears, Slowly and surely, he is indoctrinated to believe that he is superior. The high level narcissist spends his life convincing others of his greatness.

Understanding the true nature and origins of the narcissistic golden child provides you with valuable knowledge for identifying these individuals and developing a deep wisdom about human nature.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissist – Notorious Exploiter

Quoting from my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life:

“A …high level…narcissist doesn’t waste time on those who cannot perform for him/her. By seduction or guile he draws to himself those who will feed his constant need for power and admiration. Narcissists use personal relationships as stepping-stones and way stations to success. They perpetually scan their environments. Assessing their power positions, ever vigilant for those who will lead them to their next goal. The narcissistic personality values himself alone. Others are simply objects and vehicles who will satisfy his perpetual need for power and recognition. Throughout his personal and professional life, he manipulate everyone who crosses his path—spouses, lovers, children, business associates, friends…

The …high level…narcissist surrounds himself with individuals who act as extensions of himself. He fuses with those who will protect and expand his grandiose sense of self…..Those who work for or live with a narcissistic personality know that survival with him/her is always precarious. If luck holds and fate is kind, some chosen followers weather the unrelenting rages and demands that spill out of the narcissistic psyche…There is always a time certain when a relationship with a narcissist will end. Followers are discharge when their gilt has faded. They have become sexually and physically less attractive, their competitive edge is blunted, they have lost their slice of worldly power…”

The high level is finished with you and dispatches you to the hinterlands of obscurity and anonymnify. You are faded, worn and exhausted and as a result the high level narcissist has neither time nor money nor attention for you. The high level doesn’t run with those who are truly humble, good, true, fair or pure of heart.

You are the opposite of the hypocritical high level narcissist who preys on the goodness of others.

Fine character is scarce these days – It seems like almost everyone has a price – meaning they can be bought and sold for the coin of the realm, feeding frenzies of extravagance, psychological and emotional dominance of others..

But you are different: True to your unique individuality, ever-present–You show up always as yourself. Be lifted by your beautiful, vital character, conscience, empathy, kindness, psychological and spiritual stamina.

You can’t imagine being any other way. Thank God!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.