Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

We are all deluded in varying degrees. Some individuals are more “awake” than others. Most people believe their personal story of a happy family. They tell us: “I came from a good family. Mom and dad were nice people. I had a good childhood.” Really? Often this is the story that we tell ourselves so we don’t have to remember the truth about what actually happened to us. The same is true about spouses who are married to narcissists. They are brainwashed by the narcissist to believe that life is going well for them despite the narcissist’s verbal abusiveness, constant lies, humiliations, manipulations, exploitations and lack of empathy. So many spouses are so psychologically fused with the narcissistic partner they are unable to see daylight.

When the light of truth begins to dawn, pay attention.You awaken from the narcissist’s hypnotic trance and come face to face with the dismissive and often brutal way you have been treated. You will clearly recall how you and your children are servants of the narcissist’s whims and demands. Your personal power has been turned over to him. Think of the psychological harm this is causing your children. None of you deserve to lead lives which appear to perfect on the surface and coincide with the narcissist’s obsessive image of reality. Look beneath and recall the cruel ugly reality of how you are not being viewed as a separate valuable individual who deserves respect and independent thinking. Realize that your children are innocents who are daily being manipulated by a very disturbed personality disorder. If you cannot make changes for yourself, do it for your children. Children of narcissists are victims of his/her pathology. Narcissists don’t change.As long as you are with him, the stage sets of image and the superficialities of place can alter, but the basic personality structure of these unempathic and ruthless individuals is virtually immutable.

When you awaken from the hypnotic trance the narcissist has placed on you (and with which you have unconsciously cooperated) you will finally see with new eyes. One of the best ways to stay fully awake is by listening to your intuition. Deepen this gift that we all have through establishing a practice of meditation or stillness. Create a practice that works for you. You will discover that meditation keeps you awake, deepens intuition, clarifies the mind and brings you a sense of inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

One would think that with all their womanizing, multiple marriages, affairs and trysts that male narcissists adore women. They may believe they do or convince others but the truth is that they both fear and despise women. Narcissistic relationships are parasitic, based on what you can do for them. Narcissists broker romantic arrangements that benefit them. They are incapable of genuine relationships with expressions of love, tenderness or respect. Some male narcissists change female partners more often than they purchase fancy cars.

Some narcissistic men stay married to a particular woman for decades. That doesn’t mean that they love or respect them. Often these women fit the perfect image of the golden couple that the narcissist treasures above all else.

The evidence of the male narcissist’s dislike and even hatred of women is evident in the cruel, exploitive ways he treats those females close to him. In private the narcissist is downright dismissive and cruel to his spouse. He may turn on the charm to reel her back if she decides she can’t bear the abuse any longer.

The narcissist unconsciously fears women because he is not an authentic man. He learned from infancy and early childhood to become a false grandiose self. He was forced to play a role rather than become an authentic human being. His parent(s) valued him for his gifts of attractiveness, mental brightness, athletic or artistic talent. He was never loved for himself alone. Often the mother of the budding narcissist forms a fused psychological relationship with her son. The father is left out of this dysfunctional triangle. In the course of catering to mother and fulfilling her dreams, (not his own) the narcissist is emasculated. He has lost the potential for becoming a real man as a result of this psychic injury. As a consequence, the male narcissist both fears and despises the mother who would exploit him in this way. As an adult the male narcissist generalizes these fears and loathing of women even though he is a master at choosing the exact women he can possess and completely control. To learn more about the psychopathology of male narcissists in personal relationships, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic women always have their antennae focused on their next acquisition whether it is the consummation of a lucrative business negotiation, the neutralization of foes, or the stamp and seal on their next spouse. These gals plan ahead and know their moves way in advance. Comfortable and strategically gifted in the corridors of power, well educated and supremely self confident, narcissistic women set their personal and professional agendas. They exploit the “right men” to serve their purposes. One of the classic scenarios I have observed is their skill and artistry with what I call the “one bounce man.” This is a long suffering unhappily married fellow, hanging on to his spouse by a thread, just waiting for someone to come along and lop it off. There is the wealthy, well connected recently widowed man who cannot tolerate being alone. One of my favorites is the freshly divorced man who is determined to celebrate his freedom at last with a variety of sexual plays and conquests. Married men are no obstacle to the narcissistic woman who is looking for her one bounce man. She will muscle into the middle of a marriage regardless of the psychological entanglements of children, in-laws, or family ties. Being a narcissist this woman has no conscience; she’s going for the finish line and no one will stop her. Certain narcissistic women are skilled at immediately assessing the pulse of a man’s vulnerability to capitulate to her power and desirability. I have watched many narcissistic women move from husband one to four in magnificent leaps and graceful pirouettes of manipulation and seduction.

This type of narcissistic woman uses her exquisite antennae to ascertain when to place herself irresitbly in the sites of a man who will perpetuate her career and social pedigree. I have known a number of women who have used this method and moved through three or four husbands like sure footed sherpas climbing the Himalayas. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are masterful liars. They are brazen and glib with their lies. Clever narcissists get away with their mendacity because it is second nature to them. They cut their teeth on learning how to lie by omission or commission. When most of us lie, we squirm. The narcissist luxuriates in the lies that he uses to defeat his personal and professional opponents. Since he or she does not have a developed conscience, a lie here and there is an advantage to reaching his goal faster than anyone else.

Narcissistic lying becomes very ugly during the divorce process. The narcissist often spreads rumors about his former partner that are outrageous, damaging and completely untrue. Because his powers of persuasion are so highly developed many narcissists convince others that their spouse is to blame for all the chaos caused by the divorce. I have had non narcissistic spouses tell me that their narcissistic partner told large numbers of their acquaintances and family members that his husband or wife was mentally unstable, alcoholic, a drug addict, an irresponsible parent who was incapable of taking care of their children, promiscuous—the cruel litany of accusations and fabrications is endless. The narcissist is very believable to most people. He or she knows just what words to use, the right approach to take and the masterfully persuasive manner that will win others to his/her side.

To prevail psychologically and emotionally when a narcissist is off on one of his missions to tear you down, flex you muscles, recognize your strength and integrity to defeat this coward, turn to a small group of close friends worthy of your trust and discuss this matter with your therapist and the attorney who is representing you. It is vital that you be legally represented by an attorney who is highly experienced and sophisticated in dealing with these highly manipulative and exploitive individuals in the thickets of domestic issues. Draw on all of your strengths. You will be surprised at the resources you have access to deep inside that have remained dormant. Bring them out of the shadows, dust them off, shine them up and look forward to victory. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I am writing to all of those who struggle with their marriage, divorce or partnership with a narcissist. The psychological pain involved in dealing with a narcissistic personality who is at the center of your life for so long is daunting. I have great respect for those who take on the struggle of constantly being tempted to return to the narcissist, especially if this partnership has occurred over a number of years and there is a long history between the two of you. I hear from many spouses who are conflicted about staying in their marriage to their narcissistic spouse or exiting. This is a complex decision emotionally for many individuals who contact me. In some instances the formal divorce is over but the non narcissistic ex-spouse continues to have strong feelings for the narcissist despite all of the psychological damage perpetrated on them. This dilemma continues despite the seasons.

I think it is particularly difficult during the holidays. This is a time of remembrance–a powerful presence that pulls at our hearts. Many think of what could have been and the regret that their marriage to the narcissist did not survive. A lot of people blame themselves and ask incessant “What ifs” “What if I had made more of an effort? What if I had been more understanding and patient? What if I had understood the narcissistic personality and been more capable and objective in dealing with my spouse?”These questions are infinite and unhelpful to those who now clearly understand that the likelihood that you could have changed the narcissist in any way is as remote as the most distant star in an unknown galaxy.

This is the time for your continued healing. Seek the ways you in particular find deeper peace in the forms that work for you. View this moment as precious. Be grateful that you are here and that you have grown and are continuing to evolve. Be kind to yourself at all times.

Wishing you continued growth and inner peace during the holidays and every day of the year.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Many ex-spouses of narcissistic partners experience severe psychological and emotional struggles in the aftermath of their divorce from a narcissistic spouse. A number of them are still in shock after the divorce–particularly those who were married to narcissists for decades. Although their lives were filled with tensions, stresses and abuse under the control of the narcissistic spouse, they knew what to expect and accepted the terms of their cruel confinement. There was a structure to their lives imposed by the narcissist. As long as they stayed within the confines of the narcissist’s monarchical rules, the spouse knew what was expected of her/him. In many instances the prisoner/spouse of the narcissist identifies with her/his jailer. Leading a life of obedience and compliance to a master becomes normalized.

Many spouses of narcissists are repeating with their narcissistic partner the abusive patterns perpetrated by their parents in childhood. Mother and/or father expected perfection from them. There was a no questions asked, no protestations allowed. Many individuals are unable to break free from this level of abusive indoctrination. When they leave their families of origin they tend to choose abusive partners (often narcissists) who perceive them as pawns and puppets to be manipulated and exploited. The victimized spouse is unconsciously repeating his/her experience of childhood abuse through this marital choice. Although painful and intolerable, it is familiar and reinforces conscious and unconscious feelings of worthlessness, vulnerability and helplessness that the individual experienced in childhood.

Those who make the final break with their narcissistic spouse enter a new life cycle. They have broken the psychological bonds of abuse. This is a dynamic process that takes time and understanding. Many ex-spouses of narcissists benefit from quality psychotherapy which provides them with a strong therapeutic alliance and the knowledge and empathy of an excellent therapist.

The seeds of personal psychological and emotional renewal are always growing deep within us; they are part of our true nature. If we provide ourselves with the time, patience and perseverance needed and a receptive attitude for our personal healing, it will take place moment by moment. Move forward with deep respect and kindness toward yourself. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.-Telephone Consultation, Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The urge to take revenge runs deeply through the narcissist’s blood. Revenge is as prehistoric as life in the caves. Revenge is an act of retaliation for a perceived wrong or injury—payback time. I have been in contact with many spouses and ex-spouses of narcissists who were shocked by the unrelenting force of their former partner’s revenge tactics. During a divorce from a narcissistic partner, plans for revenge are hatched and played out. One classic ploy is the narcissist’s bullying tactics as he/she convincingly threatens to take you down financially and psychologically. Even after the divorce is final, the narcissist continues the Hundred Year War. Many narcissists cannot let go, not because they have ever loved their previous spouse, but for purposes of psychologically destroying the previous partner. Rumor campaigns are ignited to ruin the reputation and social standing of the previous spouse. Threats are made to change custodial agreements, not because the narcissist feels compelled to have more involvement in his children’s’ lives, but to shake the cage of the ex-spouse. One of the most potent ploys of the narcissist is playing the victim role. When he or she has torn his ex-spouse’s life to bits for decades, he makes a quick switch, becoming the recipient of psychological and emotional pain not the narcissistic perpetrator.

Understanding the Narcissistic Playbook and how to handle his/her “sweet revenge” tactics puts you in charge whether you are married to a narcissist, considering a divorce, in the divorce process or post divorce. Knowledge and insight into the narcissistic personality and developing strategies to combat their war games will empower your sense of confidence and impact positive outcomes in your life. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.,Telephone Consultation,Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com