Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. - The Narcissist In Your Life

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers – Seven Restorative Healing Practices

Daughters of narcissistic mothers are a unique courageous group of individuals. It is remarkable to me that they have survived the abuses and deprivations growing up as the daughter of a narcissistic non-mother. They have experienced psychological and emotional pain on the severest levels. These daughters speak of their mother despising them from the beginning. With her gazes, gestures and words it is clear that they were not truly loved.

Narcissistic pseudo mothers have hearts of stone. They are emotionally unreachable, inert, hollow,empty.

Daughters have no way of forming a genuine psychological attachment to the narcissistic mother. She is unavailable to them. There is no warmth, no refuge, no comfort or safety. There are no hugs and embraces for this little daughter. She tries innumerable times to get mom to give her even the slightest sign that there is a connection between the two of them.

Rather, narcissistic mother has a built in enmity for her daughter. She is jealous of her, competitive even with the small child. She finds her daughter to be unacceptable even alien to her.

Contrary to this style is the narcissistic mother who creates a living ego supply out of her daughter, a Mini Me reflection of mother’s perfection, like the goose who laid the golden egg.

Mother psychologically fuses with golden daughter, coaching her to become her flawless replica.

The narcissistic mother adores her creation but is incapable of loving her daughter as a separate individual. The daughter exists to enhance mother’s image and to keep her ego fully inflated.

I find that these daughters are of fine character: clear thinking, responsible, compassionate, empathic, with a well-developed conscience.

You deserve to recover and heal completely from the narcissistic mother abuse.

Here are Seven Practices that will help you to recover and thrive as you move forward along your unique pathway of the authentic self:

Sleep/Rest: As the daughter of a narcissistic mother you couldn’t rest or sleep well. Maybe you felt you didn’t deserve to feel at ease and quiet inside, to trust that you could let down and be safe and comfortable. Give yourself permission to have this essential downtime. Sleep and rest are essential to your physical and psychological health. We were meant to sleep and rest well. Embrace these essential activities. When we sleep a natural restorative healing process takes place inside of the body/mind. You are naturally transported to the parasympathetic nervous system, a quieting, calming state of essential healing.
.Movement/Exercise/Nutrition: We were designed to move, to exercise and to eat well. This is different for each person. Do the movements and exercise that are natural to you. Don’t compare yourself with anyone else. Respect your limitations and make no judgments. Learn about eating nutritious food. This is your essential body/mind fuel that provides you with energy, strength and stamina. Do your own research and discover how you can maintain wellness through these activities.
Appreciating Your Solitude: Growing up the daughter of a narcissistic mother you felt like you were being watched and judged. You could not let down and simply be yourself. Even when you went off alone, thoughts about how your mother was reacting to you were on your mind. Now that you are free of this non-relationship you can openly explore your relationship with yourself, being in your own presence, in solitude. It is in solitude that we get to know ourselves: our feelings, thoughts, the seeds and flowering of creativity. There develops a self acceptance as you practice solitude. Creativity occurs in solitude as we commune with ourselves. The imagination soars and we are lifted beyond our personal histories. We leave them behind in solitude and create new meanings that align with the authentic self.
Connection with Nature: Nature is a source of beauty, awe, inspiration, restoration. Nature renews our sense of being present and our appreciation of its majesty and mystery. The beauty of Nature calms the body/mind and brings forth metaphors and visions that awakens your creativity.
Develop Your Intuitive Gifts: Intuition is a gift of insight and wisdom that speaks the truth. We are born with the capacity for intuition. Learn to nurture the powers of this kind of knowing. When you ego is dropped and you are receptive, intuitive messages will come through to you. Stay attuned to your intuition. It is a gift of knowing that is always with you.
Creating a Circle of Trust – There are a few people whom we can trust. They are hard to find but continue your search. It is well worth it.
Unleashing your creativity: You have waited so many years to feel the full force of your creativity. Choose a medium of creative expression that you have used in the past or that interests you: drawing, painting, collage, unedited writing, fiction and nonfiction writing, photography.

You have the reins in your capable hands. Make the decisions that speak to your heart, soul and mind. Give yourself great credit for what you have accomplished, the greatest boon of all: the fulfillment of your authentic self, a person of deep integrity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Brazen, Boorish, Blaming Narcissistic Spouse

Married to a narcissistic personality you are constantly questioning the truth of your perceptions. The narcissist is clever and cunning at putting you on the defensive with intricate games of blame and intimidation.

The narcissist, a master manipulator, takes control of your relationship with him/her. This person is always “playing you.” Although the narcissist is incapable of deep insights, he is keen in “reading” his partners – knowing about their wants, needs and desires. This is especially the case in the opening moves of the relationship. High level narcissists in particular engage in a game of romance. They “enchant” you with their hypnotic charm. It’s as if they are reading your mind.

You feel compelled to escape inside of the dream of being wanted, understood and valued. This is how the narcissist makes you feel during the early phases. Their power over the partner is particularly pronounced if they have chosen someone who has suffered from parental deprivation and abuse, treated as a child with neglect and coldness, feeling unwanted.

Coming across a prospective partner who is fascinated with you is irresistible. You feel pulled into the narcissist’s orbit. You have longed to have someone who focused their attention on to you in this magical way. The high level narcissist is “gifted” at the psychological and emotional seduction.

Time passes and the mask of the narcissistic partner slips; you are on the receiving end of the narcissist’s true self: brazen, boorish, blaming.

The narcissistic personality affects a brazen manner – an attitude of extreme shameless self-entitlement. The narcissist pulls the I’m superior act with you.

Another character trait appears: boorishness, a rude coarse quality and insensitivity to you as an individual.

The narcissist habitually shifts blame on to you when he is at fault and has caused you emotional pain. Narcissists never take responsibility for their multiple cruelties. They are incapable of empathy or a developed conscience.

Sharing your days with a narcissistic partner you are continually in a state of siege, the fight or flight mode. Here there is no respite, inner peace or refuge. You feel your essential physical and psychological energies ebbing. Your creativity slows and you notice that you are always struggling just to feel some comfort, respite, solitude, a place to put yourself: body, mind, heart, soul.

You are studying the true nature of the narcissistic personality. The puzzle pieces are coalescing. You have reached a point of clear insight; your priorities are shifting to where they belong: the care and evolution of your authentic self, the renewal of honoring yourself as a valuable unique individual.

High Level Narcissists Believe They Are Godlike: Omnipotent, Omniscient

Narcissists have been accused of having the “god complex”, firmly believing that they are omnipotent – all powerful. Ironically in today’s barbarous culture of perverse self-entitlement, on the surface, for some, this appears to be the case. The high level narcissist has no limitations placed on him or her. Feted within their golden circles of influence and privilege, it can appear that these individuals can have whatever they want.
Deep inside in the unconscious the narcissist experiences a hollow, bleak, psychological emptiness, an arid wasteland of nothingness and meaninglessness. In brief moments the narcissist’s mask slips and he becomes consciously aware of this state. He uses powerful defense mechanisms of projection and denial to protect him from painful and disruptive feelings.

The narcissistic personality constellation is a defense against feelings of shame. Since the narcissist does not develop a conscience he or she is impervious to feelings of guilt.

With neither guilt nor shame “impeding” him, the narcissist moves adroitly along the pathways of his blind ambition. He lies constantly, betrays those who love him, steals their creative ideas and projects without a blink of conscience or regret, exploits those who are emotionally weaker as a means of controlling and forcing them to bend to his will.

The high level narcissist will wipe you out financially without a scintilla of concern about your psychological welfare. You are simply a steppingstone to his goals of ultimate power and control.

I hear from individuals who have partnered or married high level narcissits or children of narcissistic parents. Their stories are gut-wrenching.

Awakening to the true reality of the narcissistic personality you will separate out of these non-relationships, put yourself first and move forward along your own pathways.

Make full use of your gifts of creativity, resilience, insight, intuition and compassion.

Each day you are evolving. Start with the basics: sleep, rest, nourishing food, movement/exercise, Nature, Beauty, meditation your way.

Notes to Unique, Precious Empaths

You are the child who was never understood. You are a highly sensitive individual who perceives inner and outer reality on the most minute levels.
You remember from childhood often feeling overwhelmed. Loud noises and crowds were very distressing. While other family members were excited by social events, you had a very difficult time being in groups. You found many of the children to be aggressive and loud. Even attending a children’s birthday party was unsettling. The noise of groups was difficult for you from the beginning.

Some empaths as children find meaning and comfort in solitude, in their own company. They spend hours reading books, walking in Nature, writing in a journal, sketching and drawing. With a vivid imagination the child empath travels everywhere in his mind.

At night you were afraid of the dark and needed a night light on even as you grew older.
As a very small child you picked up the psychological and emotions and vibrations of others. You read their unconscious and knew what was hidden behind the mask of the face
Growing up in a narcissistic family is particularly difficult for the empath. The narcissistic mother or father imposed his will and chose roles for each child. There is the golden one who has been selected to mirror and represent the family image.
From the beginning you didn’t fit into your narcissistic family. You were so different from the other members. It was like you came from another world and wondered how you ended up with this group of people who shared your DNA. You never felt at home with the narcissistic family members.

As you moved into adulthood you began to appreciate your differentness. You appreciated your deep intuitions, inspirations and creativity.
Empaths never fit in to the society at large. This is particularly true currently. There are so many narcissistic personalities who are thriving in our aggressive culture. Without conscience the narcissist treats the empath with disrespect, viewing them as weak and fragile.

You come to a time of awakening, a deep appreciation of your true nature. You no longer care about being accepted by the society at large and its circles of influence.
You cannot compromise the pure gold of your authentic self. You find individuals who appreciate you true nature and whom you can trust. There are just a few but this is sufficient.

Your creative gifts expand and deepen. You find yourself creating whole worlds out of your imagination and intuition. You dispense with the notion that you need others to understand you. You are different and precious —the pearl of great price, the true authentic self. Embrace your individuality, deep compassion, intuition and fine perceptions.
Be kind and protective of yourself with: good sleep, rest, movement/exercise, spending time in Nature, nourishment, lovely music, following the unique pathway of your creativity in all of its forms.

Narcissists Deceive and Discard Their Spouses

Narcissists are solo acts. They are incapable of forming genuine relationships, especially with their spouses. Narcissists are duplicitous. They have many secret agendas. They skillfully compartmentalize and keep their secrets. They are loyal to no one except themselves.

Married to a narcissist, you are constantly on the receiving end of their vituperative, vile projections.

After the marriage turns stale, the narcissist grows more restless. They are disgusted with spouses who are ill or have chronic physical, emotional or psychological problems. This cramps their style and doesn’t suit their high flying energy. Besides, it’s dreadful for their grandiose image. This is all that matters to them.

Narcissists abandon their spouses, leaving them without psychological or financial support. They never look back at the horrendous pain and distress they have caused. So full of themselves they adroitly shift to a new stage set with a fresh partner. These cruel scenarios are repeated by narcissists with impunity in our current, coarse, self absorbed culture.

You can recover and restore your authentic sense of self and move forward along your pathways of deep inner peace, psychological grounding and creative gifts. Remember to put yourself first. Get the rest and sleep that you need, nourishing food, exercise your way and call on your creative gifts – unedited writing, spend time with Nature. You can and will recover and evolve as a true authentic self. Click below to purchase a copy of my current book on Amazon that is filled with specific self care practices: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist. https://tinyurl.com/y39j2uke

Empaths: Celebrate Your Unique Gifts

Empaths are unique individuals, experiencing their world in the most personal, tuned in way. Empaths are born with gifts of profound perception. They are highly attuned to their inner world and that of others. They perceive the depths of other human beings and know what they are feeling and thinking.

Empaths are often misunderstood. These children have a tough time in their families. Family members including their parents often view them as over-dramatic, too sensitive and emotionally frail, incapable of going with the knocks of life.

Empaths are not believed especially in today’s society where over-extended egos and loud aggressive voices win the power, the wealth and the day. We live in a crude, rough culture of sharp, jagged edges.

There was a time not so long ago when people actually paused to watch the clouds roll by, to listen to voices of the wind, to tell tales by camp fire, to climb trees to capture the view.

These days, few people listen. Most are impatient, even rude. If your voice is reticent, there is a built in impatience with your message. You are dismissed and trivialized.

Social immediacy and a quick dramatic image has taken up all attention. The shiny objects that dance before us are indicative of a perverse shallowness of thought and a thorough lack of feeling.

As a child you were subject to the house familial rules and psychological delusions. Your parents lived in a bubble that they created and maintained with great care. You kept trying to be understood. You used every method of persuasion but to no avail. Your siblings and mother and father had louder more compelling voices.

Often you were left alone to sort everything out for yourself. And this is exactly what you did. There was some doubt about your worthwhileness but left to your deep imagination and a developed capacity for solitude, you created and shaped your own worlds, special time warps you could inhabit. What a relief you found in these special places you created inside of your mind and imagination.

You still wanted to belong and tried intermittently to fit in. But you didn’t because you are a unique individual.

Many child empaths learn that reading is the ticket to their freedom. Writing as well is a fine ship that takes us to many lands and seas. It is fair passage to the contents of your imagination.

Put yourself first by acknowledging your legitimacy and your value. Pay close attention to your psychological, physical, creative and emotional needs.

Choose individuals with whom you spend you time wisely. You only need a few of high consciousness and self awareness and compassion.

Spend as much time as possible in the parasympathetic, the calming, healing, restorative, creative part of your systems. Rest, sleep, sing, move, stretch, smile, laugh, create.

Here you find grace, respite and peace. This is your psychological and spiritual home – where you were meant to be.

Psychopaths – Irresistible and Dangerous

We are surrounded by psychopaths in our current society. There is a deep core of integrity that is missing in these individuals. Those who grow up like mutant psychological weeds never develop a conscience.

They emerge from the full range of socioeconomic classes. Some are golden children of narcissistic parents who from the beginning of their lives are allowed and even encouraged to give in to all of their primal instincts. In these families, siblings of the blooming psychopathic golden child are treated with the harshest, basest cruelties. Parents of these “privileged golden children” simply look the other way, immune to the treacheries of their psychological and emotional crimes.

Psychopaths have no limits. They live in a delusional headiness, lotus-eaters, greedy to the max, voracious takers who leave overwhelming pain in their path.

Society today gives these individuals a huge pass if they are exceedingly successful in the world with money and power in particular.

Psychopaths are often very attractive with high energy. Early on they use these inherited gifts to magnetize individuals to them. In particular they are gifted at the art of seduction and of getting you to return to them as a result of their convincing persuasions and empty promises.

Many of you have been caught in the psychopathic web of lies, deceits, manipulations and cruelties. The psychological, emotional and financial damage that they continue to do and have done cannot be understated.

Insulate yourself from the psychopaths that populate our current society. First, learn how to recognize them quickly and to say “No” to them in the opening phases. You deserve to find individuals who have a fine character and well developed conscience and moral compass. With them you continue to evolve, are free to express your true self, to grow creatively and spiritually.

Each day, follow your plan of evolution by getting the sleep and rest that you need and deserve, the nourishing food that keeps you healthy and vital, the expression of your many creative gifts, your enjoyment of Nature and the experience of individuals who are worthy of your trust.

Are You Married to a Jekyll Hyde Covert Narcissist?

The Covert Narcissist has become one of the most prominent corrosive individuals of our current society. Wearing clever masks of disguise, the covert narcissist fools almost everyone. The covert conceals his true self, often appearing to be humble and self effacing.

An extreme example of the covert narcissist is the Jekyll Hyde manifestation. In the story by Robert Lewis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll is experimenting with a potion that transforms him into a dark monstrous figure called Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde is vile, enraged, out of control and conscienceless.

Some individuals are married to a Jekyll Hyde version of the covert narcissist. In public this person effects a very convincing Dr. Jekyll – quiet charm, congenial, friendly, helpful, trustworthy, honest. This is the public face of the covert narcissist. Behind closed doors in the privacy of the family home, Mr. Hyde appears in full. With constant ugly primitive projections of volcanic rage, humiliations, withering criticisms, the covert narcissist creates a horrendous, nightmarish environment for his spouse.

The partner or spouse of the covert narcissist survives in a state of constant psychological and emotional siege. Each moment this individual is at the mercy of the flight or fight mode – hyper -vigilant, sleepless, weary and wary. For them there is no rest or letting down. Being married to a covert Jekyll Hyde narcissist is exceedingly stressful.

When you are married to a Jekyll Hyde covert narcissist you are always on the defensive, wondering who will appear in the next moment: the calm, bright, affable Dr. Jekyll or the grotesque, vile, raging ogre – Mr. Hyde.

There is an accumulation of chronic stress, exhaustion and extreme duress that leads you to a point of decision to divorce the covert narcissist – to free yourself from this daily psychological and emotional oppression.

By making this decision you are putting yourself first, moving forward to individuate from this pathological non-marriage. Divorcing a covert narcissist is not easy. It is a long tough journey. However, there are many individuals who have successfully freed themselves from these non-marriages.

You are up to the task of moving forward as a unique, persevering, strong, resilient individual to claim your independence from this form of cruelty and oppression.

As you move forward in this process of individuation you are freed to enjoy the full use of all of your creative gifts. You are striding along the pathways of the true, authentic original self.

Leave the Covert Narcissist Behind – Return to Your True Original Self

I hear frequent life stories about repeated, painful relationships with covert narcissistic spouses and boyfriends and girlfriends. This post refers to male and female covert narcissists. I am finding more and more often individuals are marrying and discovering once again that they are involved with one of these highly manipulative, controlling, cruel individuals.

After evaluating all of the pain and anguish they have been through, they ask why and how they keep repeating these unhealthy patterns.

I tell those who write to me, read my books and my clients to stop blaming themselves. This is not the way to heal. Recovering from the covert narcissist begins with being kind and compassionate with yourself.

Learning to work with the true self inside of you and to cherish and nurture yourself on every level is the beginning of stopping this repeated pattern of choosing covert narcissists as partners who are not worthy of you.

Put the emphasis on yourself for the first time. You are not required to people please – that was something you felt obligated to do when you were growing up. Maybe your parents expected this of you. Now you are holding the reins in your capable hands and can make decisions that are in the highest interests of your psychological, creative and spiritual growth.

An essential part of your practice is to make sure that you get the sleep that you need each night. Rest when you can during the day even if it is for a short time. I have found that there are some well produced guided meditations on the internet. I like a group called The Honest Guys. They are from England and have a variety of recordings. You will find what works best for you. Also, lovely music is restorative and inspiring. It puts us into the calming part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic. Writing spontaneously is a creative way of expressing your feelings, thoughts, reveries, inspirations. Eating nourishing food and keeping your blood sugar balanced is a significant way to maintain your physical and mental health. Along the way, learn to treasure the truth that arises from paying close attention to your intuition. It is always telling us the truth about ourselves and others.

You have come along way on your journey to the evolution of the true, original self. As you move forward, always know that you are a precious individual and that your voice, words, thoughts and feelings have great meaning and value.

Thank You

I appreciate the participation of everyone who reads this blog. I will continue to write about every facet of the Narcissistic Personality, Narcissistic Abuse, the Covert Narcissist, Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents, Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist.

I am in the process of writing another book on the Narcissistic Personality. Due to the time needed to research, write, edit and have this book looked at by publishing companies, I am temporarily closing the Comments feature on this blog.

I appreciate your understanding while I do this work.

I have learned so much from all of you who read this blog and those who have shared their issues with me and everyone else who comes to this site.

I deeply appreciate your sharing personal stories here that help others to work through the complex and difficult psychological and emotional issues involved with those who deal with Narcissistic Personalities.

Thank you so much for your insightful contributions!