Tag: Narcissistic Personality

Relationships with narcissists always end badly. They often culminate in emotional devastation, financial ruin, physical illness and other human disasters. They can terminate as precipitiously as they started or span many decades. Some individuals don’t recover from their toxic relationships with narcissistic spouses and partners. Many others, and this is the good news, exit from marital relationships with narcissists to launch new beginnings.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You would think that highly successful male narcissists would be at ease with women. On an unconscious level, the male narcissist is very uncomfortable and suspicious of women. These male narcissists fear and secretly despise women. The narcissist’s mother emasculates her son. He is fused with mother whom he despises.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissist is two faced: irresistibly charming, attractive, and magnetic in public; enraged, intimidating, threatening in private. Those who live with a narcissist have a difficult time with these individuals during the “good times.” This is defined as a brief cycle when the narcissist is still enthralled with an adoring mate who satisfies his ego needs of the moment. This idyllic state doesn’t last long. The outer image of the perfect marriage and family remains intact. This image is invaluable to the narcissist and perceived by him as real. Some spouses of narcissists know that they have made a mistake very soon after the vows are spoken. Thirty years later— exhausted and suffering from intractable emotional pain— they are still wondering if they deserve to leave someone who has been so abusive.

The narcissist’s elaborate mask is removed in private to reveal a contorted, demanding, menacing face. The narcissist has no respect for anyone, even members of his own family. The narcissist saves his cruelest acts for those closest to him. When the situation becomes intolerable to the non-narcissistic spouse, a decision is crying out to be made: should I stay with this impossible person or take the risk and divorce. Once the decision to divorce a narcissist is made, the battle royal begins. Even with the help of the best Manhattan divorce lawyer, this can still be incredibly tough. This is why having a great lawyer with you to battle through this horrible kind of divorce is so important. You need a lawyer’s support and expertise to help overcome such narcissistic ways. Plus, it’s also ideal to have a lawyer on board so that you are rightfully given what you’re owed, such as a family home or custody of children. If you live in Salt Lake City, for example, you could talk to those at cramercramer.com. But there are a few exceptions to if the battle will start in the first place. If the narcissist has found a more desirable partner and wants to make a clean break with his old life, he or she is inclined to dismiss the existence of the previous spouse and move forward to his new source of narcissistic supplies. In many cases, the narcissist turns vengeful, pitting one child against another, spouse against parents, friends against friends. It is not unusual for the narcissist to launch a deliberate campaign to demonize his former spouse by making outrageous claims of mental instability, promiscuity, drug and alcohol abuse. I know of cases in which the narcissistic spouse used his financial power to buy off the parents and siblings of the non-narcissistic partner. After the divorce the former in-laws formed close social relationships with the narcissist and abandoned their child. Even though the narcissist may have no interest in his children, he will demand full custody to remove any question that he can get whatever he wants. The narcissist’s custody dispute is often enacted as a form of punishment and revenge. In the meantime the other spouse is in a constant state of terror, wondering if his/her children will be wrenched away.

Learn to identify and protect yourself from the narcissist’s innumerble tricks, tactics and subterfuges. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

You may believe that you are safe and secure living in the narcissist’s domain. You may enjoy the benefits of financial security and a comfortable lifestyle. But there is no emotional commitment to you as a valued individual. As a member of the narcissist’s inner circle you share the glow of his/her power but your special gifts and ambitions are obfuscated. You’ve given too large a part of yourself to someone else. The narcissist’s spouse may have a successful career and have accomplished a great deal. But the shadow of the narcissist continually lurks over the partner’s achievements. Always remember the personal price paid. Spouses who have lived with narcissists for many years feel as if they cannot take a deep breath, that they have no zone of privacy and peace and that all of their forward movements are questioned and criticized by the narcissistic spouse.

In marriage we deal with the give and take of the partner. We cannot do whatever we want all the time. Some people are not willing to make a compromise with a marital partner. They prefer to lead their lives on their own terms. That is a decision that deserves our respect. In a healthy relationship each partner bends to the other for the sake of the union. Each party is capable of both giving and receiving. At times one person will be in greater need and require more giving on the part of the other. All solid marital and partnership relationships are the result of a mutuality of respect, acknowledgement and encouragement of the other person’s psychological and creative progress.

Each spouse in a marriage to a narcissist has a vital decision to make. Will I continue to live under this oppressive regime or will I seize the alternative? Dissolve my non-relationship with a narcissist who has stolen my precious gifts— freedom to create, to be at peace, to enjoy true privacy, to shape a hopeful unobstructed expanding future. These questions are waiting for your answer. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissist expects others to mirror him or her perfectly. When a narcissists looks into your eyes, not only does he see his reflection but he expects you to feed back to him his flawless vision of himself. The smallest criticism or oversight is a source of psychological wounding. Learning how to stand up and empower yourself in your relationship with this dictator will change your life in the most positive of ways. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

We are all deluded in varying degrees. Some individuals are more “awake” than others. Most people believe their personal story of a happy family. They tell us: “I came from a good family. Mom and dad were nice people. I had a good childhood.” Really? Often this is the story that we tell ourselves so we don’t have to remember the truth about what actually happened to us. The same is true about spouses who are married to narcissists. They are brainwashed by the narcissist to believe that life is going well for them despite the narcissist’s verbal abusiveness, constant lies, humiliations, manipulations, exploitations and lack of empathy. So many spouses are so psychologically fused with the narcissistic partner they are unable to see daylight.

When the light of truth begins to dawn, pay attention.You awaken from the narcissist’s hypnotic trance and come face to face with the dismissive and often brutal way you have been treated. You will clearly recall how you and your children are servants of the narcissist’s whims and demands. Your personal power has been turned over to him. Think of the psychological harm this is causing your children. None of you deserve to lead lives which appear to perfect on the surface and coincide with the narcissist’s obsessive image of reality. Look beneath and recall the cruel ugly reality of how you are not being viewed as a separate valuable individual who deserves respect and independent thinking. Realize that your children are innocents who are daily being manipulated by a very disturbed personality disorder. If you cannot make changes for yourself, do it for your children. Children of narcissists are victims of his/her pathology. Narcissists don’t change.As long as you are with him, the stage sets of image and the superficialities of place can alter, but the basic personality structure of these unempathic and ruthless individuals is virtually immutable.

When you awaken from the hypnotic trance the narcissist has placed on you (and with which you have unconsciously cooperated) you will finally see with new eyes. One of the best ways to stay fully awake is by listening to your intuition. Deepen this gift that we all have through establishing a practice of meditation or stillness. Create a practice that works for you. You will discover that meditation keeps you awake, deepens intuition, clarifies the mind and brings you a sense of inner peace. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

One would think that with all their womanizing, multiple marriages, affairs and trysts that male narcissists adore women. They may believe they do or convince others but the truth is that they both fear and despise women. Narcissistic relationships are parasitic, based on what you can do for them. Narcissists broker romantic arrangements that benefit them. They are incapable of genuine relationships with expressions of love, tenderness or respect. Some male narcissists change female partners more often than they purchase fancy cars.

Some narcissistic men stay married to a particular woman for decades. That doesn’t mean that they love or respect them. Often these women fit the perfect image of the golden couple that the narcissist treasures above all else.

The evidence of the male narcissist’s dislike and even hatred of women is evident in the cruel, exploitive ways he treats those females close to him. In private the narcissist is downright dismissive and cruel to his spouse. He may turn on the charm to reel her back if she decides she can’t bear the abuse any longer.

The narcissist unconsciously fears women because he is not an authentic man. He learned from infancy and early childhood to become a false grandiose self. He was forced to play a role rather than become an authentic human being. His parent(s) valued him for his gifts of attractiveness, mental brightness, athletic or artistic talent. He was never loved for himself alone. Often the mother of the budding narcissist forms a fused psychological relationship with her son. The father is left out of this dysfunctional triangle. In the course of catering to mother and fulfilling her dreams, (not his own) the narcissist is emasculated. He has lost the potential for becoming a real man as a result of this psychic injury. As a consequence, the male narcissist both fears and despises the mother who would exploit him in this way. As an adult the male narcissist generalizes these fears and loathing of women even though he is a master at choosing the exact women he can possess and completely control. To learn more about the psychopathology of male narcissists in personal relationships, visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic women always have their antennae focused on their next acquisition whether it is the consummation of a lucrative business negotiation, the neutralization of foes, or the stamp and seal on their next spouse. These gals plan ahead and know their moves way in advance. Comfortable and strategically gifted in the corridors of power, well educated and supremely self confident, narcissistic women set their personal and professional agendas. They exploit the “right men” to serve their purposes. One of the classic scenarios I have observed is their skill and artistry with what I call the “one bounce man.” This is a long suffering unhappily married fellow, hanging on to his spouse by a thread, just waiting for someone to come along and lop it off. There is the wealthy, well connected recently widowed man who cannot tolerate being alone. One of my favorites is the freshly divorced man who is determined to celebrate his freedom at last with a variety of sexual plays and conquests. Married men are no obstacle to the narcissistic woman who is looking for her one bounce man. She will muscle into the middle of a marriage regardless of the psychological entanglements of children, in-laws, or family ties. Being a narcissist this woman has no conscience; she’s going for the finish line and no one will stop her. Certain narcissistic women are skilled at immediately assessing the pulse of a man’s vulnerability to capitulate to her power and desirability. I have watched many narcissistic women move from husband one to four in magnificent leaps and graceful pirouettes of manipulation and seduction.

This type of narcissistic woman uses her exquisite antennae to ascertain when to place herself irresitbly in the sites of a man who will perpetuate her career and social pedigree. I have known a number of women who have used this method and moved through three or four husbands like sure footed sherpas climbing the Himalayas. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists are masterful liars. They are brazen and glib with their lies. Clever narcissists get away with their mendacity because it is second nature to them. They cut their teeth on learning how to lie by omission or commission. When most of us lie, we squirm. The narcissist luxuriates in the lies that he uses to defeat his personal and professional opponents. Since he or she does not have a developed conscience, a lie here and there is an advantage to reaching his goal faster than anyone else.

Narcissistic lying becomes very ugly during the divorce process. The narcissist often spreads rumors about his former partner that are outrageous, damaging and completely untrue. Because his powers of persuasion are so highly developed many narcissists convince others that their spouse is to blame for all the chaos caused by the divorce. I have had non narcissistic spouses tell me that their narcissistic partner told large numbers of their acquaintances and family members that his husband or wife was mentally unstable, alcoholic, a drug addict, an irresponsible parent who was incapable of taking care of their children, promiscuous—the cruel litany of accusations and fabrications is endless. The narcissist is very believable to most people. He or she knows just what words to use, the right approach to take and the masterfully persuasive manner that will win others to his/her side.

To prevail psychologically and emotionally when a narcissist is off on one of his missions to tear you down, flex you muscles, recognize your strength and integrity to defeat this coward, turn to a small group of close friends worthy of your trust and discuss this matter with your therapist and the attorney who is representing you. It is vital that you be legally represented by an attorney who is highly experienced and sophisticated in dealing with these highly manipulative and exploitive individuals in the thickets of domestic issues. Draw on all of your strengths. You will be surprised at the resources you have access to deep inside that have remained dormant. Bring them out of the shadows, dust them off, shine them up and look forward to victory. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I am writing to all of those who struggle with their marriage, divorce or partnership with a narcissist. The psychological pain involved in dealing with a narcissistic personality who is at the center of your life for so long is daunting. I have great respect for those who take on the struggle of constantly being tempted to return to the narcissist, especially if this partnership has occurred over a number of years and there is a long history between the two of you. I hear from many spouses who are conflicted about staying in their marriage to their narcissistic spouse or exiting. This is a complex decision emotionally for many individuals who contact me. In some instances the formal divorce is over but the non narcissistic ex-spouse continues to have strong feelings for the narcissist despite all of the psychological damage perpetrated on them. This dilemma continues despite the seasons.

I think it is particularly difficult during the holidays. This is a time of remembrance–a powerful presence that pulls at our hearts. Many think of what could have been and the regret that their marriage to the narcissist did not survive. A lot of people blame themselves and ask incessant “What ifs” “What if I had made more of an effort? What if I had been more understanding and patient? What if I had understood the narcissistic personality and been more capable and objective in dealing with my spouse?”These questions are infinite and unhelpful to those who now clearly understand that the likelihood that you could have changed the narcissist in any way is as remote as the most distant star in an unknown galaxy.

This is the time for your continued healing. Seek the ways you in particular find deeper peace in the forms that work for you. View this moment as precious. Be grateful that you are here and that you have grown and are continuing to evolve. Be kind to yourself at all times.

Wishing you continued growth and inner peace during the holidays and every day of the year.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com