Category: Narcissistic Mothers

Narcissistic Family Members Distort Your Identity

Growing up with a narcissistic parent you are constantly living with a person who creates his/her pathological reality. This individual is delusional and incapable of having a true relationship with himself or anyone else. A small child growing up with this person he or she calls a parent has a hard road ahead in finally seeing through mother, father, sister or brother’s true nature as a narcissistic personality. There are exceptions I have found where the young child knows very early that something is very wrong with the members of his family. He is on the outs—picked as  a scapegoat or dismissed as not fitting in because he is odd, eccentric or just not good enough. In the world of pathological narcissism delusion begets delusion. Narcissistic family members side with one another against the child who sees reality as it is. In many cases the young child is at the mercy of how his grandiose, unempathic,cruel, manipulative parents and siblings distort his identity. They insist that their view of the world and of reality is the only living definition of reality. Everything outside of the narcissistic zone is peculiar, foreign, eccentric and sick.

Many narcissistic parents or mothers or fathers mold their children into perfect mirrors of themselves. Achieving this will give them bragging rights and better still they will possess living representations of themselves. What could be better for them then to have a living puppet who dances and sings to their tune. Some children in narcissistic families worship their brothers and sisters. They want to be just like them. Unfortunately if your brother or sister is a narcissist, you have not received kindness in return for your love for them. They have turned on you, used you to do their bidding and spat upon your sense of self.

Narcissistic family members always find ways to distort and even destroy your true sense of identity. They do not respect your individuality, your creative gifts, your special brand of intellectual curiosity, your sense of humor. They trample on your tender feelings and humiliate you. They laugh at your displays of emotion, stomping on your feelings of tenderness, your fears, the deepest parts of your loving heart. They make fun of what is most precious to you. You feel like they are trying to destroy you and doing a hell of a job. Their purpose is to distort and even destroy your identity unless you become like them or act as their servants and sycophants.

There are many individuals who grew up in narcissistic families who lived in the desert of delusion for decades before they awakened and recognized that they were “raised” by individuals who didn’t give a damn about their childrens’ individuality and true identities. Finally, many of them begin to stir, open their eyes and realize that this was stolen from them when they were young and was perpetuated by intimidation and severe narcissistic psychopathology within the family.

Those who recognize that they had been forced to disbelieve and reject their inner true selves, make the opposite turn and begin to appreciate how genuine they are. For some it has taken years to see themselves and to love that part of them that is so essential and beautifully genuine and delightful. They are on the road to healing; they are unstoppable. In many cases they reject their families of origin and sever themselves from the pathological narcissistic family gulag.

They live in freedom. They are no longer forced to see through a glass darkly. There is no barrier to perceiving their inner and outer realities. They have a renewed vitality, the flourishing of their creative gifts, the joy of rediscovering their open hearts that are capable of loving deeply and they find an inner peace inside that has been waiting for them to embrace since birth.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.


Narcissistic Mother-in-Law Breaks Up Marriages

There are countless victims of psychological abuse perpetrated by the narcissistic mother-in-law. She is the controlling matriarch. One classic situation is the triangulation of the narcissistic mother, her son and his wife. In the beginning she pretends to care deeply about the new member of the family. The NMIL praises her son’s choice of a partner and skillfully pretends that she wants the marriage go to be successful. But this can never be the case with a narcissist in any family role.

The narcissistic matriarch spreads lies about her daughter-in-law, beginning with subtle digs and innuendos about her character and family background. These lies are dropped like pedals on a lawn–meant to be barely noticed. In secret she goes to her son and slowly and skillfully drops poisonous bits of gossip about his wife. She puts doubts in his mind about her. At the same time the narcissistic mother is intimating that his ultimate loyalty belongs with her where it has always been. The wife becomes slowly aware that she is not welcome in this family. She feels a coldness and is ostracized by the narcissistic mother’s inner family circle. She turns to her husband who feels conflicted between loyalty to his mother and love and duty to his wife.

After years of hurt feelings, attempts at bending to the will of this impossible woman, being on the receiving end of insults and false accusations, the daughter-in-law is forced to make a fateful decision. She can stay in the painful triangle, make further attempts to break her husband’s pathological attachment to his mother or she will leave the marriage. These are difficult choices, especially if there is a strong pathological fusion between mother and son. These ties that bind are made of steel and cannot be unraveled.

There are successful outcomes that involve the wife freeing herself by separating and divorcing her spouse. This is a difficult path but can be accomplished, especially if you have the best support system around you. Not only that, but looking for reputable local divorce lawyers in your area who can help you to navigate the hardships of divorce is something that should be considered when it comes to leaving your marriage. It is better to be true to yourself than to struggle under the yoke of a woman who is out to destroy your individuality and peace of mind.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Psychologically Controlling and Invasive Narcissistic Mothers

There is a specific kind of narcissistic mother who appears to be devoted to her daughter. She pays attention to her when others are watching. She makes sure that her daughter is dressed beautifully and has a perfect room. The narcissistic mother puts her daughter on display for everyone to see. She talks endlessly about how special her little darling is to her friends and relatives. There are many photographs of mother and daughter displayed.  Anyone who didn’t know the secrets of this mother/daughter relationship would never guess what is going on.  These narcissistic mothers use their daughters to burnish their own images of themselves. Playing the role of loving mother means that they can be professionally successful and an extraordinary mother at the same time. From the beginning mother decides what her daughter wants and needs. She is incapable of attuning to the nonverbal and verbal messages that her daughter is communicating.This daughter is like her perfect experiment. She is in complete charge despite the many signs that indicate that this little one is in distress, feels uncomfortable, frightened, etc.

These narcissistic mothers are highly controlling and invasive. As the daughter grows, mother doesn’t allow her to have any privacy. She is always intruding on her child’s private times to be alone, think her own thoughts and express her feelings. This is not allowed, especially since narcissistic mothers don’t have access to their own interior world. They are incapable of empathy–the capacity of understanding how the other person is feeling from her point of view not yours. The mother decides how her daughter should react and is highly critical when she doesn’t behave or respond  according to mother’s expectations.

Narcissistic mothers are invasive to the point of reading their child’s dairies and journals, listening in on their private conversations and trying to control their thinking. If the daughter of the narcissist tends is an an independent, creative thinker, she is ridiculed and sharply criticized. She is often called stupid and naive when she makes attempts to share her original ideas.  Mother mocks her, even laughs at her child.

The core issue is that daughters of narcissistic mothers are not allowed to be their authentic selves. These mothers are often envious of their daughters who in many cases are more intellectually curious, creative and  lively than their tightly wound mothers.

As the daughter grows, the narcissistic mother does not change. Some daughters live in the home only as long as they must and then find ways to leave this psychological  prison created by their narcissistic non-mothers. Other daughters wear themselves out trying to please their narcissistic mothers, wanting the love that this mother is incapable of giving.

Those who recognize that their mothers are narcissists and cannot change, often make the leap forward to separate from the cruel unbending yoke to which they have been attached for so long. They step out on their own, find ways to support themselves and finish their schooling. If they are fortunate, they find female mentors who act as surrogate mothers to them. This is part of their healing process. Having separated psychologically and physically from the controlling and invasive narcissistic mother is an enormous achievement. This is a process of many steps forward and at times, movements backwards but the goal seen ahead is one of ever-deepening belief in one’s original self, an independence of mind, the full use of one’s creative gifts and the knowing that you are a loving human being,: unique and wonderful.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Sons of Narcissistic Mothers Despise Them

Narcissistic mothers often have an iron hold on their sons. These mothers appear to adore their sons over their daughters an shower them with all of the attention and adulation. There are sons of narcissistic mothers who become narcissists and the two of them are fused in a highly pathological and destructive psychological duo.

Those sons who are not narcissistic have a rough time of it. They feel their mother’s narcissistic claws  at the ready to get a hold of them and not let go until she possesses them. Narcissists believe that everything belongs to them, including their children,with whom they can fuse, neglect or discard. The narcissistic mother demands her son’s attention. She cannot be attuned to her child but rather is bent on molding him into what she believes is another replica of her perfect self. These sons are both intimidated  and feel deep hatred of a so-called mother who blocks their way toward psychological independence, the fulfillment and promise of their masculinity and the use of the potential and appreciation of their individuality. Some sons feel obligated to the narcissistic mother and spend much of their lives trying to please these impossible creatures. This interrupts the natural growth of the child and young adult. Often the father in these families is psychologically weak and emasculated. That is why the narcissistic mother has chosen him—someone whom she can fully control, manipulate and deceive.

Men psychologically possessed by their narcissistic mothers have difficulty with emotional intimacies.  Unconsciously, they belong to mother. How can they  give themselves to a partner when they cannot be separate from her. There are sons who make the break from their narcissistic mothers. It can be a tough battle. The NM infuses guilt. She is a drama queen, insisting on her way despite the psychological damage that is incurred by her son. Some sons remain pleasers and feel guilty if they don’t fulfill their mother’s wishes. Inside they are torn between deep feelings of obligation and enraged that they are still umbilically tied to their NM.

Those who achieve the separation are freed to feel and express their uniqueness, to use their individual potential in every way, to be creative, to activate their spontaneity.  Some sons of NMs benefit from excellent psychotherapy. When choosing a therapist, interview until you find the one that is best for you. This professional must be capable of attuning himself/herself to you, have well developed empathy besides a solid academic and clinical background. Make sure that the therapist does not have a money motive and is not a narcissist. This can and does happen. Some of the “most qualified ” psychotherapists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc. are narcissistic personality disorders. Stay away from them; they can be very charming and convincing.

There are many avenues to healing. Learn to calm your nervous systems through methods that work best for you–gentle hatha yoga with emphasis of breathing through the nose, a form of meditation or inner quiet that you can do regularly, spending time with people who appreciate you and are excellent listeners.

Some sons of NMs make a decision to go no contact with their mothers to stop the constant interference, blowups, accusations, recriminations, etc. This is your judgment call.

Above all, respect yourself. You are evolving and growing each moment. You are becoming free.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Suffer Maternal Deprivation

Maternal deprivation is the absence of care, lack of affection, holding, looking into your child’s eyes giving the message: “I love you do much”,  listening intently to your daughter’s messages, verbal and nonverbal.  The narcissistic non mother removes all the joy from her daughter’s life. Narcissistic mothers live for themselves alone. Often they are envious of their daughter’s beauty, talents, intelligence, exuberant personality. They hate their child’s spontaneity and pick away with their nasty criticisms. Some daughters learn to conceal their true feelings. Others become emotionally numb. Some harbor a deep mother rage inside that they turn on themselves and becomes self loathing. 

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have difficult life struggles, learning to fully love their unique selves and celebrating it. 

To break the yoke attached to the narcissistic mothers they must recognize that they bear no fault.

They are separate from the cold ungiving selfish self absorbed woman who didn’t raise them. These daughters do the hard work of healing themselves and emerging as strong, loving, gifted women. Many benefit from psychotherapy, nurturing relationships with friends who understand them, spiritual practices that create calmness deep within them,creative pursuits that are healing and transformative, giving their care and affection to others who feel unloved and unwanted. 

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can and do come fully into the own true identities. They can prevail over the past and live fully in the present, expanding and growing all of their potential.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–Give to Yourself

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have spent their lives as servants and even slaves. Never wanted, treated like dirt, the subject of physical and psychological abuse, being compared with other siblings and declared inferior, their moments every day have been filled with fear, humiliation and self degradation. Some adult daughters end up marrying the living nightmare of their mother—another narcissist who in his own style will pull all of the games and betrayals, and cruelties of her mother. This is a repetition of the past that often occurs.

As a daughter of a narcissistic mother, give yourself credit for surviving this hellish life experience. You got yourself through when no one was there to help you or even believe the dreadful things your NM did to you. Your siblings have remained silent and if they are narcissistic golden children they continue to blame and humiliate you. You are the one that is scorned. They learned very well from your NM. A time arrives when daughters of narcissistic mothers can no longer tolerate the abuse. They know they don’t deserve it and it is ruining their lives. Many of them go No Contact indefinitely in order to move toward self acceptance, inner peace, self appreciation and the full use of all of their gifts and talents.This reclamation of the self takes place day by day in treating yourself with kindness and expecting respect from those around you. You can fulfill the promise of inner peace and security to yourself. Create a routine that works with strengthening your body, mind and psyche each day. Begin the day with a practice of meditation or solitude that is quiet and private. Doing gentle yoga is very calming and stretches the muscles and activates the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is calm and at ease. Learn to appreciate your own company. Spend time in Nature even it it is for a short time. Some people find great comfort with their pets. Journaling is a source of free expression that is creative and healing.  Learn to say “No” to those who would manipulate you, deceive you or make you feel small. Surround yourself with givers not takers.

You can heal from your NM. Keep the faith in yourself, do the work of healing each day and learn to feel entitled to use and enjoy all of your gifts and talents.

Narcissists Don’t Stop Trying to Destroy Others

Narcissistic personalities have no psychological brakes. They have no sense of limits. If they want something and are compelled to go after it, they will pursue their goal even if it disrupts entire families, marriages, children, in-laws, etc. Narcissists are ego-driven not conscience driven. They don’t develop a full conscience. Their idea of right and wrong is based on whether they will get caught or not. When narcissists are crossed they become particularly vindictive and vengeful. If you are in the middle of a divorce they might call, text or email you 40 times a day or more to get your attention or to intimidate you.

They despise the happiness and peace of others. They are very restless people and determined to step over any number of “bodies” to reach their goal. If a male or female narcissist is sexually drawn to a married man or woman even if the spouse is their best friend, they will plunge into the liaison without blinking an eye. It is a thrill for them to have possession of this person whom they want with such passion. In the end they discard this person and move on to someone else.

Protect yourself from the narcissist by learning about them in detail and depth. Learn about your own vulnerabilities to them. Become so skilled that you can pick them out quickly no matter how attractive or irresistible they appear to be. You can become immune to these severely disordered individuals.

The narcissist is never going to change but you can and will. You will prevail by doing research, strengthening yourself psychologically and emotionally, paying close attention to your intuition and become more self entitled to a life of inner peace, the full use of your creativity and all of your other gifts.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Healing from the Narcissist–Restarting Your Life

When you arrive at the truth about the narcissist who has taken so much from you—psychologically and emotionally–whether it is a mother, father, sibling or an entire family, you have come to a fork in the road of your life. The next steps follow the path of self healing. First, you are entitled to be whole and healthy and to live peacefully inside of yourself. You leave the constant fear, apprehension and dread behind and wonder to yourself: “What is is the next step?”  As you tune into your intuition the steps toward your new life will unfold. You realize that for years and decades you have wanted to pursue a creative path. This take innumerable forms: writing, sketching, journaling, gardening, photography, singing, journeys into Nature, dancing, yoga, tai chi, meditation in a form that appeals to you, walk, strolling. Everything is open to you now. It is helpful to write down what you love best. Don’t worry about the order of things—just write and let your imagine go skipping along.  Be as open as you can without editing.

Get into the habit of devoting some time each day in quiet and solitude, even for five minutes. This is your time. Practice self care for the first time since you have left the narcissist behind. Appreciate the beauty of moments–watching the sky, laughing with a baby, smiling at a stranger, savoring a delicious bite of your favorite food, bringing color into your life, dressing to please yourself, allowing yourself to rest when you are tired, slowing down your pace so that you are more aware of living each moment, laughing freely and openly, developing rituals which you enjoy. Slowly these actions will become habits and form the new fabric of your life. As you go along you will bring people into your life whom you can trust and with whom you can communicate. You decide who you want to be in your life. If it is not comfortable and easy, don’t let that person in. You have already seen that picture show. Stop pleasing everyone if that has been your old mantra. Learn to appreciate your own company in a way that is appealing to you. Your restart has begun and you are moving forward with greater confidence in yourself, a sense of your creative gifts and an renewed openness to the dynamic flow of life.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Protect Your Psychological and Physical Health from Narcissistic Mother

From the time we are born narcissistic mothers pick away at us bit by bit. Some take the direct primitive route and slap us across the face and hit us whenever they feel the mood strike them. Others are more subtle and insidious, making small digs about our weaknesses and imperfections. This is especially painful if there is a golden boy or golden girl sibling in the household who is adored for simply existing.

The drip, drip drip of criticisms, humiliations and embarrassments is overwhelming. A young child subjected to this kind of abuse by a narcissistic mother has too much to bear. This child is filled with fear and apprehension–always in a state of suspended fright. “What is going to happen to me next?” “When is mother going to start screaming at me again and saying I am stupid and worthless?” “Will she shove and hit me again?”  These questions thunder through the child’s nervous system and set up a pattern of fight or flight and resonates throughout the entire body. There is nowhere inside or outside to feel safe. Sometimes the other parent can be a source of comfort but often the narcissistic mother marries a man who thinks little of himself and whom she can completely control. Some siblings get very close and make an effort to protect themselves against mother’s constant rages.

Those who have grown up in these highly chaotic and stressful family’s often suffer from a variety of psychological and physical symptoms: headaches, stomach aches, free floating anxiety, anxiety attacks, emotional numbing, various depressive states, etc.

Recognizing that you mother is a narcissist and that  she has the psychopathology—not you– is the beginning of severing a relationship with someone who has made your life miserable and frightening. She has worn you down and eclipsed your opportunities to grown as an individual with many unique gifts and to experience feelings of calmness, protection and emotional security.

As a child you were her prisoner. As an adult you now can make the decision to be free of her  now. Don’t wait for her to change. That is never going to happen. When you leave this psychological gulag you will discover that your physical, mental and emotional energy increases and your creativity flourishes. The real self is always moving toward healing. We have to learn to be receptive to this process throughout our lives as we become whole and eventually feel our spontaneity grow, our humor blossom and our loving heart grow in warmth and compassion.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Family Members Always Deny Truth

If you a member of a narcissistic family–whether you are the child of a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father or both, or the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling or are married to a narcissist, always remember that you hold the truth. Narcissists live in a state of  grandiose delusion of their making. More powerful and influential narcissists in the family put pressure on those who are more dependent personalities to convince them to go along to get along with them. I have had contact with many victims of narcissistic family abuse who have spent years at the mercy of their narcissistic families, including their spouses. For years and even decades those individuals in these pathological families who are free of delusion and know and speak the truth are ostracized and become the target of disdain, humiliation and shunning. Often their family members let everyone know that they have a very sick and confused person in their midst. They spread rumors about you when you are the only one who knows the truth about yourself and them and their multitude of secrets and treacheries. In other cases the narcissists in the family pretend that you don’t exist and make you invisible and non-existent in their minds and through their actions.

Narcissists turn reality upside down and sideways and spin it in continuous circles of lies, deceptions, cruelties and betrayals. What they hate the most is the truth because deep in their unconscious they are psychologically empty, filled with rage and self hatred. They are incapable of self understanding or introspection or empathy. Their identity is a charade, a false self that developed when they were very young and will never change.

Remarkably, there are individuals who persevere, research, work through through their personal insights, develop practices that lead them to deeper awareness who come from these highly toxic families and marriages. They gain greater strength and thrive as they extricate themselves from their pathological relationships. It is a different path that they take and a difficult one. So often they feel completely alone. No one understands them or will listen. But they don’t give up. They pursue the pathway less traveled that leads to an ever evolving consciousness, increased creativity, a deep wish to share their truth with others who are receptive. I have deep respect and a special place inside for those who have won this battle for the truth. They are heroic extraordinary individuals. You are not alone. There are so many others who share you life experiences. Be receptive to finding these individuals. I have found that as the society becomes more narcissistic and even sociopathic, there are people whom you will meet that have a high consciousness that always seeks the truth, that welcomes it in you and with whom you can communicate deeply. Trust your intuition to know who these individuals are. Their numbers are growing. You will find them. Work with the loving parts of yourself and appreciate who you are every day, each moment. You are precious and no one like you will ever come into existence again. You are a singular human being. Celebrate this; use every part of yourself. You have resources deep inside that are waiting to be tapped, creativity that is spun gold and a heart that is both receptive and strong.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.