If you a member of a narcissistic family–whether you are the child of a narcissistic mother or narcissistic father or both, or the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling or are married to a narcissist, always remember that you hold the truth. Narcissists live in a state of grandiose delusion of their making. More powerful and influential narcissists in the family put pressure on those who are more dependent personalities to convince them to go along to get along with them. I have had contact with many victims of narcissistic family abuse who have spent years at the mercy of their narcissistic families, including their spouses. For years and even decades those individuals in these pathological families who are free of delusion and know and speak the truth are ostracized and become the target of disdain, humiliation and shunning. Often their family members let everyone know that they have a very sick and confused person in their midst. They spread rumors about you when you are the only one who knows the truth about yourself and them and their multitude of secrets and treacheries. In other cases the narcissists in the family pretend that you don’t exist and make you invisible and non-existent in their minds and through their actions.
Narcissists turn reality upside down and sideways and spin it in continuous circles of lies, deceptions, cruelties and betrayals. What they hate the most is the truth because deep in their unconscious they are psychologically empty, filled with rage and self hatred. They are incapable of self understanding or introspection or empathy. Their identity is a charade, a false self that developed when they were very young and will never change.
Remarkably, there are individuals who persevere, research, work through through their personal insights, develop practices that lead them to deeper awareness who come from these highly toxic families and marriages. They gain greater strength and thrive as they extricate themselves from their pathological relationships. It is a different path that they take and a difficult one. So often they feel completely alone. No one understands them or will listen. But they don’t give up. They pursue the pathway less traveled that leads to an ever evolving consciousness, increased creativity, a deep wish to share their truth with others who are receptive. I have deep respect and a special place inside for those who have won this battle for the truth. They are heroic extraordinary individuals. You are not alone. There are so many others who share you life experiences. Be receptive to finding these individuals. I have found that as the society becomes more narcissistic and even sociopathic, there are people whom you will meet that have a high consciousness that always seeks the truth, that welcomes it in you and with whom you can communicate deeply. Trust your intuition to know who these individuals are. Their numbers are growing. You will find them. Work with the loving parts of yourself and appreciate who you are every day, each moment. You are precious and no one like you will ever come into existence again. You are a singular human being. Celebrate this; use every part of yourself. You have resources deep inside that are waiting to be tapped, creativity that is spun gold and a heart that is both receptive and strong.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Comment:from Anonymous
I stumbled onto your blog last week while doing some research in hopes of finding a reason/condition something as to why my daughter has gone in the direction she has taken her life. My daughter is the very definition of a Narcissist. I think I was more relieved to learn that “I” am not the reason my daughter is the way she, even though my daugher and my exhusband (her father) have always blamed me for anything and everything that could possible be going on in my daughter’s life from the time she was 13-years-old until her adultfood (she’s now 32-years-old). I suffered many years from both mental and physical abuse at the hands of my daughter, condoned by her father until I found the courage to leave.
It is a relief but also strange to read your blog posts because it is as though you have taken pages from my life’s book and put them here for all to see. In other words, the fact that there are other Narcissists similar or even worse than my daughter is disturbing, but you’re right, I’m not alone, there are those that know that I am not crazy (at least not completely) that what has transpired in my life with my daughter and continues even at a distance (via social networking) is very real.
I am a survivor and thus, I found the courage to leave and live my own life. I worred about my two sons, who are now also grown and how they would be able to live their lives after witnessing and living through the abusive years. They have turned out to be fine young men but they too have come to the realization that their sister is toxic and continuing to allow her to be a part of their lives just isn’t something they can do. I try to give them the support and wisdom that I have found in my life.
This particular blog post just was so on point with where I’ve been in my life with my daughter, I had to post a comment. Thank you for your blog. You have given me so much just in the few posts I’ve been able to read and digest.
Comment:From Kimberly
Your words are comforting, Linda. I grew up with a Narcissistic mother who convinced me that whenever she was unhappy it was always my fault, and she would shun and ignore me until I had grovelled and tried to make ammends long enough for her to again stop ignoring me and come out of her room. Sadly I now have a deep seated belief that awakens when any relationships fall apart, feeling that it must be my fault, and I probably deserved to be treated so badly, because why else would anyone treat me that way and then abandon me. I then fall into self blaming, self hating, self criticising and fault finding, depression and thinking the world would be better off if I had never been born at all. In my 50s I suffer from anxiety and take medication. My son-in-law seems to delight in constantly and very subtley putting my down, trying to goad me into defending myself over trivial and insignificant things, and demonstrating that his position in my daughter’s life is so much higher and important than mine is. He does it in a way that he looks innocent and harmless and just having some fun, and I look like I just over-react. I am always on my guard, walking on eggshells and a nervous wreck if he is around, because I am not free to be myself, and if I stand up to him he just makes it all the worse for me and makes me look like an emotional basket case. My daughter seems blind to what he does. My youngest son is also capable of Narcissistic rage events, I have received 2 within a few weeks that have shattered me, never having been one of his victims before, and only just discovering the depths of his spitefulness which he is able to keep well concealed, yet reserved for those who are on the receiving end. All of this just reinforces my feelings of self-blame and worthlessness. I will print out this page and keep re-reading it, and follow your blog. THANKYOU.
Comment:From Kristina
Thank you for that healing message! It is a battle of extraordinary proportions but when you overcome you are a more polished person than most…. a depth of character not unlike Andy Dufresne in the Shawshank Redemption. His Soul would never ever have become so radiant without prison…
That is the ultimate triumph over the narcissists – that they contributed to your greatness 🙂
Love!
Kristina
OMGosh this is me. I married into a N family at 21, they have maligned and scapegoated me from the beginning. Little digs and invalidations of me over and over. I was at a point of such frustration because I am the type if you need my help Im there. To this day everything kind I have ever done was someone elses doing. If its pointed out, I am out of control. lol Yet these people beat each other up, talk to each other like dogs but I am out of control. I always use the proper terms “When you do so and so it makes me feel ___” but that is out of control. lol They call each other c**ts and b words and eff you and one of them will use a iron skillet on you. The scapegoating and unfairness is palpable. you can cut it with a knife. I would like advice on accepting that the real relationship I want is a friggin pipe dream. I am a “fixer” so I am struggling with this unfairness. I know life isn’t fair, it has never been to me, but I always try to create it.
Thank you for your encouraging comments, as I went online to seek comfort. I am one of those who feels alone in the family. My siblings are not necessarily complete narcissists but may have streaks of this; they are in denial and are paranoid and capable of making me look as if I am nuts or sly if I say anything about the bully, so I don’t discuss her or let her have any power over me mentally, by concentrating on my own life and future. I am the only one who has taken the road less travelled, and no-one in my family understands me any more apart from the narcissist, who has sussed me out in relation to my siblings and would like to create divisions between us – but I won’t let her; she has fooled everyone but me. Yet there are positives I and my siblings and the younger generation share in common, and I hold onto those.
I’m going through divorce and my husband periodically says this one thing to me just to twist the knife in my gut…. “I stayed with you even when your mom told me I should leave you”. She was a horrible woman and reading this has giving me the validation I’ve sought all my life. My siblings deny everything I say. But they weren’t her target. I was. I’m compiling a folder of all these posts, quotes, articles etc in this subject and making myself an album for Mother’s Day. She has passed bless her soul but I want these truths always nearby
Your situation sounds like a previous one of mine. Things were becoming insane and so it all ended. I have never felt so free. Don’t let these people get on top of you. They are mentally ill, the only person that can change them is themselves individually. They are the most difficult of characters. You should look up what co-dependency is, it seems like you may be in a co-dependent relationship.
“An enabler, also known as a codependent, is a person who by their actions, make it easier for an addict to continue their self-destructive behavior by criticizing or rescuing. The term codependency refers to a relationship where one or both parties enable the other to act in certain maladaptive ways.”
Leave while you can, it’s not going to get better. Accept the truth, these people are INSANE – look after yourself.
Peace
This article made me burst into tears because it was so true. My father was narcissistic and I thought I had escaped it when I married into my husband’s family. At first, everything seemed to be fine but as time went on, it became apparent that they were narcissistic and living with me, made it seep into me. We moved out of the house as clearly the marriage was causing tension between us and his sister and ever since that point, there has been a rift. It’s like they don’t want to see us independent or happy with our lives. It has to relate back to them and how they were involved.
For a long time, I have felt alone thinking that something was wrong with me. My husband was narcissistic but now has changed and become more at one with himself and proud of who he is. Now we feel that we are alone together, which is sad and difficult to manage as it’s almost an epiphany of realisation about your own family. They don’t realise the damage they cause, and I don’t think they ever will. They continue to live in drama triangles as that is what feeds the beast.
This article has given me hope and made me feel like I’m not the one with the problem, they are.
Thank you.
“In other cases the narcissists in the family pretend that you don’t exist and
make you invisible and non-existent in their minds and through their actions”.
Thank you for these truths.
Yes, they love to disrespect via this shunning. It’s another way of saying, you are insignificant and worthless, you do not exist. My ‘family’ (sister, brother, mother, etc.) actually drive by our home on their way to their ‘family holiday’ dinners and, apparently, thinks nothing of it. My husband and I are treated as if we are dead.
… My Mother would see me for lunch once in a while and if I expressed any disappointment with this treatment — she’d tell me how I am ‘overly-sensitive’ and how I needed to ‘detach.’
Guess what? I finally became strong enough and I have ‘detached’ alright and I no longer want to see her anymore. Sad it took me so long to figure all this out.. but it’s simple now.. I’m through caring about anyone who doesn’t care about me. I’m finding peace at last.
Nancy
// Thank you for validating this family shunning and other terrible behaviors of their’s.
I have been in the exact situation with the ex, and my daughter. I am 55 si this has been going on awhile. Since my dad passed in 2008, they have my mom and the rest of the family. There have been pauses through the years and I have relationships with three of my grandchildren. How am I supposed to cut ties without making my grandchildren feel like I abandoned them? …. honestly I’m not certain I can walk away from these grandchildren. But, at the same time, it’s killing me. I recently was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. This is also a factor. Help!!!
Dear Linda,
Whenever I find myself falling down that old rabbit hole again of the deep, dark pit of family narcissist abuse, I return to your blog. Finding this post is like a good cup of chamomile tea with plenty of honey.
You say, “You have resources deep inside that are waiting to be tapped, creativity that is spun gold and a heart that is both receptive and strong.” Exactly what I needed to hear.
I do have a dayspring of creativity that I have barely tapped into. I live in exigent poverty still, knowing that I have all of this creativity that could and should be earning me a more than ample living. Little by little I am recuperating and tapping into my resources. All the things I love; piano, gardening, decorating, painting, drawing, seem to be inaccessible to me, as though am behind a wall of glass. I am almost an invalid, still recuperating after having severed ties with my whole family a few years ago. It is as though they are vampires that sucked the lifeblood right out of me. A horrible, horrible family situation that keeps me hooked only because of financial dependency, as my father holds money that does not belong to him that my mother left me but he kept.
Anyway, I pray without ceasing for Jesus Christ to answer my prayer for significant financial relief. At every turn I am spiritually guided to continue to sever ties with my father and rest of the family. I see no hope for reconciliation, though I do my best to forgive. Funny thing is, the more I forgive the more of the painful truths surface, like lava from a volcano. I will go so far as to say these people are morally and spiritually filthy.
Thank you for all your generosity, Linda. Blessings to all who come here for solace. Never give up.