Category: Narcissistic Mothers

When you look into the eyes of a child of a narcissistic mother, the pain is so intense you cannot bear it. Imagine what that human being across from you is experiencing all of the time–since the beginning of her/his life. Some children of narcissists are so psychologically numb that they cannot feel this pain because it would crush them completely. Rather, they harm themselves. Some become anorexic and control the one thing they can–what they put in their mouths. Others turn to high risk relationships with sadistic partners who beat them up psychologically and physically. Some make small cuts in their flesh in inconspicuous secret places to release their unbearable feelings.

Many of these adult children tell you over and over again how much they love their mothers. It is confounding but not surprising. They have identified with their life aggressor, the person who birthed them and then did everything possible to destroy them. Narcissistic mothers adore their golden children–the ones that are very attractive, extroverted, overly confident, great performers. They detest their child who is not as physically attractive, a loner and thinker, quiet, sensitive, introverted.

In many cases the unwanted psychologically abused child goes through her life “adoring” mother and hating herself. She is fused with a mother and trapped in a state of self loathing. This is tragic and true.

There are other children who awaken to the true nature of their narcissistic mother—feel her mortal danger to them, know that she will never love them and will not stop torturing them. They take the ride of their insight and finally acknowledge that they never had a real mother–but a monster, a psychological killer.

There are many life stories of those who have broken these horrendous chains of abuse, who have worked through their feelings of self hatred, shame and loathing and have emerged to recognize, feel and celebrate their true natures. You deserve our special love and respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Did you look into the eyes of your sociopathic narcissistic mother and feel the full force of her hatred? Were you nauseated by her touch, her smell? Did she constantly threaten to harm you? Did she watch every move you made so that she could pounce like a wild animal? Did she make fun of you in front of your brothers and sisters and other family members? Did she tell you that you were ugly and she was ashamed of you? These and thousands more of horrific questions are still heard and felt loudly in the minds, bodies and psyches of children of sociopathic narcissistic mothers. These are not exaggerations. I have heard and read these life stories and innumerable variations of them too many times not to know that this is absolutely true. When you see the intolerable pain in the faces of those who have been tormented in this way and hear the faint whimper and terror in their voices you know they have suffered intolerably. They have been treated without mercy.

I have a special place inside for children who have suffered so severely. I am moved by their courage to survive each day and to finally prevail. To seek good professional help that can help them to heal. To practice healing modalities like gentle yoga, different forms of meditation, jounaling, spending time with Nature and animals, to build loving relationships with individuals whom they can trust. Often those those have been treated without mercy are compassionate and empathic individuals. You can and will heal. It is your destiny to be whole and experience deep inner peace and to express your creativity fully. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers know that they are superior to everyone else, especially their daughters. If you are the daughter you felt your mother appraising you very early and finding you wanting. She picked away at your self confidence. Her tone of voice was demeaning. She never approved of you. You may have been beautiful, bright, talented or not unusual on the exterior. This would not have mattered. She was in competition with you from the beginning. Some narcissistic mothers resent how much attention the her husband, the new father,is giving to his baby daughter. If the bond is loving and close, she becomes incensed. As you grow she tells lies about you, enunciating long lists of your many transgressions and cruelties. Your narcissistic mom lied about you all of the time. She wished that you never existed. You were her immediate rival for dad’s attention and the entire world. In private these mothers humiliate, intimidate and terrorize their daughters, seeking submission and blind obedience. In many cases they achieve this. The daughter is psychologically immobilized and unable to activate her gifts. She is frightened all of the time that mother will take revenge if she reveals her real self or speaks openly about her feelings. The homes of these daughters become prisons–at times a form of solitary confinement.

When daughters of narcissistic mothers grow up and become teenagers and young women, the NM vies for the attention of the young men who come to visit. She may even become seductive with the daughter’s male friends and proposition them. In some ugly scenes the young fellow goes along and has a sexual fling with the narcissistic mom. The humiliation and horror of discovering your mother’s breach of morality and her complete betrayal of her maternal role is emotionally intolerable. The narcissistic mother has no conscience–when she wants something or someone, she goes after it. This woman is a narcissistic personality who is not going to change. Think carefully about your options. You can sever this pathological relationships. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth.Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The first stage of growth in the attachment of the newborn to the mother. D.W. Winncott the great psychoanalyst calls this phase the mother’s “preoccupation” with her baby. This is an essential process in the baby’s secure attachment to mother. The “good enough mother” as he describes it , for this period of time is constantly thinking, feeling and acting through the days and night about her baby. The earliest weeks and months are critical to the babies’ physical, mental, and psychological development. There is a special relationship that develops between the two. The father is a vital part of this process. Cuddling, calming, speaking softly, caressing a crying baby, soothing a frightened child is all part of this period. The baby has left the dark safety of the womb and is now exposed to an unknown world filled with sounds, colors, forms, scents, touch—all of this is new to his world. Mother is the one through her attachment to the baby, creates a safe psychological bridge for living in the world.

Children raised by a narcissistic mother don’t have this experience. Mother is incapable of attaching to her baby. She may pretend convincingly to others but she has no real feeling. Narcissistic mothers believe they are great mothers and that they can do it all. They count the days when they can return from maternity leave and work during times when their baby needs them desperately.

Some women must work to keep their families together. There is no father. They are the ones who are raising the children, paying the bills and putting food on the table. This is another situation and these women deserve our praise.

The narcissistic mother ignores and neglects her child. Her main focus is on herself. She spends inordinate amount of time on how she looks which has to be “perfect.” Many of these mothers are highly materialistic. What they wear, their external image, their home surroundings–all add up to a perfect image. Narcissistic others are bored with their children. They make no psychological connection with them and discard them.

They pawn them off on baby sitters. Some of them have 24/7 help for their children because they are too busy to take care of them. Children raised in this way do not attach to the mother and have a difficult time attaching to another person. Fortunately, there are instances in which a grand parent or other family member who steps into the mothering role. This can make all the difference.

Some children raise themselves. Some brothers and sisters form their own families and take care of one another. Some children go their own way and survive despite all of the emotional pain and maternal deprivation. Adult children of narcissistic mothers benefit from excellent psychotherapy and other healing modalities—gentle yoga, meditation, cardiovascular exercise. Remember, having a narcissistic mother is not your fault. You are a separate individual and deserve to lead your life in freedom and creativity. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic mothers are one woman armies of human destruction. They are an elite team of ninja killers of the psyches of their children. One narcissistic mother does more psychological damage than you can imagine. I read and hear life stories every day about those who have survived the narcissistic battles of childhood. One of NM’s cruelest tactics is turning one child against the other. She will assure her son that he is the special one and then tell the older daughter that she has been chosen. After all, she is gorgeous, bright and talented. What’s not to worship. she pits one child against the other, starting when they are very young. Often she does have a favorite whom she ties to herself psychologically like an appendage. This child suffers horribly because he or she cannot separate out from mother, often for life. In other circumstances narcissistic mothers create day by day a budding narcissist who is her perfect reflection. These children have special privileges like the largest stake in her financial assets. The true golden child learns from mom to taunt and terrorize the other children. Between the two of them, it is a sinister game—a sadistic one.

In these families it is every child for himself. The brother or sister who is savvy and has the opportunity, escapes as early as possible. Some children find other adults whom they trust and help them to move, get jobs, training, go to college, etc.

As the years go by, hatred between the siblings grows and hardens. The narcissistic mother remains Ruler of the dissembling process. Some of her children who are prisoners and possessions, defend her no matter what she has done to them. They are lost souls and will never become individuals in their own right.

I have discovered many courageous and strong human beings who have survived their narcissistic mothers. I think and feel about them with tenderness and great respect. You are victorious! To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Sons of narcissistic mothers are possessed by them. Their lives are never their own. Thoughts and feelings of “mother” is always pulsing through their heads. They are never free of the narcissistic mother. She is always present even if she is physically absent. The son of a narcissistic mother has internalized this woman who “adores” him. In many cases, he has been her psychological possession for his entire life. The icon Frank Lloyd Wright had a classic love-hate relationship with his mother. She called him “her prince”. He maintained the relationship for most of his life and was extremely ambivalent about her. She was constantly meddling. She became an albatross for Wright. Frank was an incredible grandiose narcissist–highly talented but irresponsible, cruel, unempathic,and outrageous.

The narcissistic mother creates a false self of her son. She decides who he is and will become. If he is the golden child, he can do no wrong, does not develop a conscience, takes advantage of others, is merciless and cruel to others, treats even his family like dirt. These mothers emasculate their sons who end up having highly pathological relationships with women. They truly hate women even through they may be great flirts and womanizers.

Avoid marrying the narcissistic son of a narcissistic mother. You will be grateful that you have learned to recognize a narcissist. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Some narcissistic mothers hated you before you were born. They didn’t want children. They were obsessed with their careers and climbing to the very top. (Every woman who climbs to the top in her career is not a narcissist.) This often includes finding a man that will be a reflection of their perfection. Narcissistic women often choose weak men whom they can completely control.

Narcissistic women have no substance, conscience, compassion or empathy. They are highly ambitious, very bright, exceedingly driven and determined to reach the pinnacles of power. Narcissistic women have children not because they are capable of love but to use as narcissistic supplies that will burnish their external image. They can say they have it all and can do it all. Their children are often taken care by babysitters and nannies from the beginning of their lives. Their children are narcissistic supplies, especially the kid that is chosen as the golden child. This child is claimed perfect from the beginning and often becomes a budding narcissist.

The worst narcissistic mothers are highly sadistic. They obtain pleasure from terrifying you. When you are a baby they startle you with their loud voice or allow the other children to pinch you and pretend that this is a funny game. Narcissists unconsciously despise themselves. They project their self hatred on to their children, especially those she has placed in the role of scapegoat.

Some of the children of narcissistic mothers describe their childhoods as unbearable. They were constantly hanging on by an emotional thread waiting the moment of annihilation. Narcissistic mothers aim knives at your heart. They attempt to de-humanize you, to take away your integrity, to humiliate you. This works with some children who simply give up the fight and hide in the shadows and escape deep into their minds. Some children numb out and freeze their feelings. The very sensitive child feels his/her sadistic narcissistic mother’s knife pointed at her heart. She is a child caught up in combat who feels her life psychologically endangered. The sadistic mother thrills at watching her child in primal terror. Now she has complete control over this person.

Keep your heart open, secure and free. As the adult child of a narcissistic mother you can heal. The process can take a long time. It requires consistent work and some adult children find healing through professional psychotherapy. Other strategies involve gentle hatha yoga, meditation in the form that works for you, finding emotional support from friends whom you trust. You can prevail and heal your psychological and emotional wounds and strengthen yourself. To learn about every facet of narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissistic mother is cold, robotic, ruthless and cruel. She has no real feelings for her children except for the one who is most like her–the golden one. This is the special boy or girl whom she has picked as a living god like a pharaoh. NMs live through these children who can do no wrong, who have no limits and are allowed to abuse their brothers and sisters without any consequences.

Unchosen children live in constant fear, apprehension, always waiting for the next catastrophe. Their nervous systems are always turned on the fight or flight syndrome. They don’t know what it means to feel safe. Many of them have horrible insomnia or night terrors. They worry that mother will come in and start screaming at them or even beating them. Secret punishments that cause humiliation and constant terror are meted out regularly. When you live with a narcissistic mother you exist in a kind of gulag. There is no escape; you feel helpless and alone and there is an enduring sense that this hell is never going to end. Some children of narcissistic mothers feel deep inside that they are bad and defective human beings. “What have I done wrong?” What horrible things have I done to mom that she hates me so much? “I can’t stop hearing her screaming in my ears?” “I get scared every night that she’s coming in my room to hit me and then send me away. Where will I go?’

Every despicable word or deed you can imagine has been perpetrated by narcissistic mothers, especially if they are sociopathic. They are highly sadistic and smirk and smile when their children are most terrified by them. They love to shock even a small child just to watch the kind of power they have over him. They cram food down their throats, put them on hunger regimens, make them eat food that has spoiled, demand they stand in their feces for hours. You name it, they’ve done it!.

The psychological impact of having a narcissistic mother is devastating. There are actually some people who don’t believe these life stories. I say the hell with them. Don’t give anyone who doesn’t believe you the slightest attention. You know exactly what you have live through. There are so many people who are incapable of empathy. If it didn’t happen to them, it doesn’t exist. How narcissistic is that!

Adult children of narcissistic mothers can continue to suffer in the aftermath of their abuse. Many of them find healing by working with excellent psychotherapists, practicing healing modalities like gentle yoga with its emphasis on the slow breath through the nostrils, acupuncture can bring the quieting parasympathetic nervous system experience to those who have suffered this level of abuse. Many survivors of maternal narcissistic abuse find their way back to inner peace, the loving acceptance of their real selves and the activation of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

One of the most difficult roles is to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother. I hear each unique life story from daughters who have endured having a cold, selfish, exploitive and abusive narcissistic mother. This is a non-mother who is incapable of cherishing and providing comfort to her daughter, even when the child was very small. In some cases there are surrogate mothers in the form of grandmothers, older sisters, aunts and even the mothers of friends. But the little girl longs to have the emotional, physical affection and psychological closeness of a real mom. Often the narcissistic mother is envious of her lovely daughter who is beautiful, bright, unique and creative. From the time she is very young, this daughter knows that mother is jealous of her. It is evident in the way she looks at her daughter with envy. Every step of the way she makes it difficult for this daughter to get close to her dad. She has the master gatekeeper. Mother pretends that she wants her husband all to herself. The truth is she doesn’t give a damn about this man. He is an emasculated puppet whom she is using. In some families mother chooses a son to be the golden, very special answer to all of her prayers. He is worshiped from the first. Mother’s eyes light up every time she talks about him. He is never corrected for any mistake or cruelty and is allowed to have the run of the house and the family. Under her breath the daughter calls him “the little beast.” She spends a lot of time staying out of his presence. He always gets her into trouble, constantly telling lies and making her take the blame for his innumerable misdeeds. Mother always believes him.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers feel trapped. Some use their studies as an escape and respite from the emotional maternal deprivation that they suffer and the unwarranted criticisms of the narcissistic mother. Things get worse when the daughter is a teenager and blooms into a lovely young woman. Then the mother daggers come out. Narcissistic mothers become especially cruel when their daughters are admired and paid attention to by boys and young men. As time passes the mother/daughter relationship worsens (It never existed) but the self hatred of the narcissistic mother is primitively projected on to her daughter. The volleys of dreadful remarks, false accusations, humiliations are constantly hitting the abused daughter. Mercifully, many daughters leave home for school or work and at least have the physical distance to keep them away from the narcissistic maternal poison.

It is painful and agonizing for these daughters to realize that they never had a mother. Instead they had a woman who never wanted them, who did all she could to make her feel unloved. As she becomes independent and sets up her own life, these daughters have a decision to make. Are they going to continue this pseudo relationship with the NM for holidays and visits and phone calls and emails that are often accusatory and off the wall snipes at her. NMs don’t change. This is a fixed personality disorder. And mother still believes and always will that she is perfect and her daughter is severely flawed. Some grown daughters manage to maintain a very distant relationship. They make sure they are never alone with mother. That’s when her projections are the most toxic. If she is married she uses her spouse as a buffer. For other daughters of NMs it is impossible. Every time there is any kind of exchange it is ugly and cruel.

Many daughters decide to go No Contact No Visits, Phone Calls, Emails, Texts, Letters, any form of communication. That is how they protect themselves. The difficult work for many of these daughters is in recognizing intellectually and emotionally that they never had a real mother. Some benefit from psychotherapy if it is of a high quality. Others find compassion and deep caring in friendships, partnerships and marriages. Many are freed for the first time in their lives. They are not being judged, rather they can express and feel who they really are. They feel their authenticity, spontaneity and even joy. You deserve to heal from your NM. Your new life is waiting for you. Jump on the boat and take a ride down this glorious river and wait to find even greater beauty, mystery and enchantment around the bend. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com