Divorcing A Narcissist–A Walk on the Wild Side

Narcissists wearing their masks of brilliance, talent, ultra confidence, attractiveness are irresistible. Most are fooled by them. That is how convincing they are. They have been doing this act with their eyes closed for most of their lives. They know the drill–It is an essential part of them that we mistake for the real person.

Don’t blame yourself for not recognizing the narcissist for who she/he truly is. The narcissist’s real self is hidden deep in the unconscious. This is the part of them that has been severely damaged and is projected out on to others, especially those close to them.These projections are primitive, meant to cause great pain. Those on the receiving end–spouses, ex-spouses, children, etc experience deep hurt and lingering pain. It is a dreadful experience to be the recipient of a narcissist’s incoming pathological fire in the form of primitive vituperative projections.

When you finally decide to divorce a narcissist and have created your plan of action, give yourself a lot of credit for taking this course.It is a complicated one. You have pulled back so many times in the past, telling yourself that if you had tried harder and been more patient, this person could have changed, have understood your thoughts and feelings and that issues would have worked out. No! That is not the clinical case in dealing with narcissistic personality disorders.

During the process of the divorce you find yourself at times flat footed. The narcissist and his attorneys have changed their game plan. This wasn’t in the play book. You are ambushed and feel like you can’t crawl out of the weeds. The other side is lying and getting away with it. The mediator went in the enemy’s camp and was convinced by their lies. Then the battle moves more favorably toward you and you take a deep breath. It’s like watching a boxing match and you are getting bloodied and stitched. You are able to get some respite between rounds but know that the battle is long and you summon up your strength and reserves.

In many divorces with narcissists it gets very ugly. They are always lying. obfuscating the truth, deluding those who should be believing you, bribing some of the players with money, etc.

When you divorce a narcissist you discover the darkness of human nature–how desperateness on the part of narcissist leads to accusations, flagrant lies, vituperative rage, pitched battles over financial assets. It is a walk on the wild, dark side of consciousness. Those who go through divorce are often shocked by the tenacious fury of the narcissist to get exactly what he or she wants—–Everything! Your work is to take care of yourself while you are going through this tough process. As I have stated before and it is worth repeating, choose your attorney with great care after doing research, interviewing and checking with your intuition. This is Your advocate that will weather this process with you throughout. You are wise and will make the right decision.

Study the narcissistic personality so that you understand them very well and will not be surprised by their antics and ruses during the divorce and afterwards.

Take time with yourself for ongoing healing–whatever it takes to keep you healthy, sleeping at night, eating well, exercising the way you choose, calming the body/mind with guided meditation, prayer, etc., spending time with those whom you can count on at any time and are truly authentic. Take moments to escape into audio books, movies, music that you love and that carries you to another place in your mind and heart. The universe is abundant–open yourself to it and all of its blessings and gifts.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Love and Appreciate Yourselves

If you are the daughter of a narcissistic mother, you had a non-mother. This woman was not capable psychologically or emotionally of being a “good enough” mother as D.W. Winnicott, the great psychoanalyst said so many years ago. This is the mother that we all yearn for. She doesn’t have to be perfect but good enough.

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Married to A Socialized Sociopath—Puts You in Psychological Danger

These are among the most successful, bright, ingenious, attractive, magnetic individuals that we encounter. They are confident, socially skilled, astute and exceedingly charming. This is a description of the Socialized Sociopath, a severe personality disturbance that has become acceptable, even valued and lauded in our current society.

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Narcissistic Spouses–Go into Training for the Divorce Wars

I know several people who have trained for and run marathons. This is a tough, disciplined process that takes many hours and hard grinding work. The goal is incredible–over 26 miles of running–one footfall after another. I have seen great runners reach the wall and writhe in agony.

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Let Go of the Hurt the Narcissist Has Caused You

Narcissists are very cruel beings. I am discovering endless varieties of their horrid treacheries all the time. It is incredible that they continue to wreck havoc in the lives that they touch and in some cases, destroy. Their projections are meant to be mortal, kicking the air out of your spirit, making you doubt yourself or psychologically throwing you into deep humiliation.

Narcissists are masters of total control over others at all times. Whether they are in the preliminary stages and intoxicating you with their magnetism or intimidating you with their veiled threats or disposing of you when you are at your lowest ebb, the narcissistic personality is a highly predictable human. You are his/her possession. He will manipulate and mold you into the perfect replica of a living narcissistic supply who will be a perpetual source of adulation, praise, even worship.

Narcissists hurt us deeply when we are unable to identify them and psychologically fuse with them. Some of those who become involved with narcissists continue to return for more punishment, thinking that they can change these individuals or believing that they are the ones to blame for the relationship not working. Over and over again their victims blame themselves and return–each time becoming more distressed and feeling lost, confused and depleted.

Once you know that you are dealing with a narcissist—spouse, mother, father, sibling, etc., do your research and learn everything you can about this personality disorder that is growing exponentially within our population.

Be kind to yourself about your self blame, your returning for more pain, your thinking that there is something the matter with you. Let go of any guilt that you are carrying. You will find your burden lifting.

Begin to take good care of yourself: physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually. Sleep, rest, enjoy your own company and that of friends who are empathic and understanding and who know how to listen and to give and receive.

Think about your many gifts–those that you know about and others that have remained in the background while the narcissist took center stage and stood in your light.

Feel your individual power—your healthy narcissism—a deep respect for yourself. Be grateful for the life that you have and the one that is ahead of you. Cry when you need to–without shame or holding back. Sing when you feel the tunes coming through you–write freely without editing—go inside the music that you love and sing tunes that you create on the spot. Do this and so much more–Use your imagination–let it fly!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Narcissists Psychologically Feed Off of Your Life–Protect Yourself!

Narcissists are parasitic. Using this word makes be feel nauseated but it aptly describes their process of feeding off of your life. When we live with a narcissist–mother, father, spouse, sibling or are involved with them, our psychological energy is continually sapped. Some victims of narcissists describe this process as trying to destroy and annihilate them, taking what is most precious inside away with their cruelties, chronic deceptions, hidden agendas, humiliations, threats and ambushes.

The narcissist steals your creative ideas and spins them into his own. He or she gains power over you psychologically by hitting you below the belt on the issues where you are  most vulnerable. This is especially destructive if you are a highly sensitive individual by nature. Although the narcissist has no true insight, he/she is exceedingly cunning and knows just how to make you feel hopeless and helpless. Narcissists are bottom feeders.
They play dirty and catch you by surprise, using the shock factor. They initiate contact that appears to be friendly and innocuous. This is the opposite of their intent. Their “communications” are designed to show their superiority over you, to make you feel like a failure who is seriously flawed. All the while they are innocent and pretend like they didn’t lay a hand on your psyche. That’s how dirty and nasty they play it. They spread lies about you to your family and friends, pointing out that you are unstable, that you have a defective character, selecting lies that will harm you the most. This is despicable behavior but narcissists can be very convincing to others who remain ignorant of their true natures.

Study and learn to identify the narcissistic personality. It is worth doing the research on this character disorder. The woods are crawling with them. Once you have made the identification, spend as little time or no time with them if that is possible. If you have to interact, make it brief and do not engage them in a personal manner. I recommend that you try not to be alone with a narcissist since these are the occasions when they project forcefully on to you or other victims of their wrath.

Practice self care with guided meditation, getting the sleep that you need, doing practices like gentle hatha yoga, tai chi and activities that activate the calming part of the nervous system. Learn how to set boundaries with these individuals and stick to them. You can never please them so don’t make a fruitless effort. Remember, the narcissist is constantly projecting his unconscious rage on to others.Deep down he/she feels psychologically empty and worthless.

Get in touch with your creative gifts and learn to appreciate yourself as a unique individual who is capable of empathy, compassion, emotional intimacy and authenticity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Sadistic Narcissistic Husbands and Wives Take Revenge during Divorce

I know of a number of cases, especially during custody disputes when the narcissistic husband (or wife) turns sadistic and gains pleasure and narcissistic supplies by threatening to take your children away from you. In some instances he/she succeeds because he/she has the financial resources and the charm and raw confidence to persuade mediators and judges that he is the better parent. This man or woman doesn’t give a damn about the welfare of your children. He is out for revenge because he gets pleasure from watching you suffer. The narcissist builds a strong case in the role of the “good mother” or “good father.”” He/she spreads lies about you and may even turn your family members against you.

Arm yourself with as much in-depth information as you can about the narcissistic personality. Make sure that you have a very savvy attorney who specializes in family law and is unintimidated going up against the narcissist. He or she will have hired a barracuda of a lawyer who is out to win despite any human cost.

Go into battle fully armed with knowledge about the narcissistic personality. You need to know this person a whole lot better than they know themselves. Take good care of yourself during this process and beyond it. Keep your eye on the prize—getting your life back after the narcissist. Lead the life that you have always deserved—filled with warmth, authenticity, the full use of your creative gifts and the freeing of your spontaneous spirit.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Primitive Projections of Narcissists Inflict Pain and Harm

I am frequently reminded that narcissists are projecting their psychological venom on to others all the time. This kind of behavior cannot be overstated. Deep down in the unconscious, the narcissist is filled with self loathing and an intolerable emptiness.

Churning with self hatred, he or she ejects it out on to others, especially those close to him–spouses, children, siblings, co-workers, acquaintances. A projection is a defense mechanism, an unconscious process that the narcissist  uses to instantaneously get rid of aggressive, intolerable and threatening feelings and impulses on to another person.

This incoming fire can be completely unexpected and that is a vital part of why the power punch can lay you flat. There are times when you know that the narcissist is in a particular mood and know to steer clear. Or you have intuitive messages to keep your distance. But are other times, when there is no warning and these are the toughest to take.

Not long ago I was the recipient of a psychological punch (a primitive projection) to the gut from an acquaintance. The sky was blue and clear in my world with this person  at the time. We were conversing and I felt that it was going well. Someone else was wanting his attention. I made mental notes of this a couple of times but waved it off. That was my oversight. Suddenly—incoming fire hell missiles. He delivered verbal mortal blows designed to knock me out and put me away. I was shocked and at first had to review his primitive message which translated was: “I hate you. Get the hell out of my life now! ” His seething rage and annihilating intent shot into me so fast that I spun inside. I made a quick appraisal and decided that making any kind of retort was useless. For my welfare I left the scene. I think this was a good self care move as I look back. This guy would never understand my point of view. He had a perspective ally beside him. The best action was immediately gaining Distance Away from the Toxicity. I was still reeling. I got into my car and felt like hell but began to think  about what had just happened and what it meant.

This event and there have been many by others, gives me the opportunity to acknowledge again the horror that you go through with narcissistic spouses, what you have experienced and still do with narcissistic mothers, fathers and siblings.

Learn all that you can about the true nature of the narcissistic personality–the character disorder of our time.

Take good care of yourself. When you are ensnared by one of these horrid projections, give yourself credit for identifying what it is–it is not coming from you–do not blame yourself–this is the putrid message coming from the unconscious of a narcissistic personality. Celebrate your victories. Keep your psychological, emotional and physical distance from these individuals when and if you possibly can. Maintain good boundaries from this venom machine.

Spend time with people who are more self aware, are not as subject to projections and who admit when they have done this and take them back. Recognize that you are growing, a wonderful living work in progress. Pay close attention to your intuition. Seek your dreams and know that you can fulfill them.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stand for Yourself to Heal from the Narcissist in Your Life

Whether it is your narcissistic mother, narcissistic father, narcissistic spouse, narcissistic sister or narcissistic brother or an entire narcissistic family, you have been through Hell with this dreadful life experience. As a young child you endured too much and too little at the same time. There was no emotional and psychological nurturing, no one to wipe your tears so you learned not to cry or laugh or even feel. You internalized what was real  and alive inside of you so that you would not be punished and shamed and humiliated even more.

You are still licking your wounds and finding other crevices of open sore memory traces of emotional and psychological pain.

There are times now after your hard fought inner work on your psyche and soul when you perceive and appreciate what you survived. Be kind to that small child inside of you. Give him or her comfort and reassurance and validation. What an individual you are! Healing ourselves is a life process.

Practice self care–You deserve to sleep quietly at night, rest when you are weary, write without editing, freely using your unconscious without effort but ease, digest your dreams from the unconscious, meditate or pray, use your creative juices and let them flow with interruption, feel the cool air coming through your nostrils on the inhalation and the warmed air from you body at the exhalation–notice that you feel calmer.

You deserve to lead life in the full color spectrum of your psyche and soul. With Love to You.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.