Narcissistic Matriarchs Control Family Members with Iron Fist

A matriarch is “a mother who is head and ruler of her family and descendants.” When you have a narcissistic matriarch in charge, everyone is going to suffer psychologically and emotionally, except those who are chosen as “Golden” and often become narcissistic personalities. Generations of narcissistic matriarchs run through some families.

I hear personal stories of those who have had to survive under the absolute control, manipulation, deceit and chronic criticisms of their narcissistic mothers. After years of horrendous pain they have finally discovered that growing up they were molded by a very pathological mother/matriarch who expected perfection from them. Not once in their lives were they hugged, given positive attention, recognized as valued individuals, given compliments, etc. Their lives were pure hell all the time. Other family members bent under the iron fist of “Mother, the Most Feared.”

Those who have awakened recognize their narcissistic mother’s true nature-her dark cruelty, her capacity to inflict lingering terror in the nervous system. As children they went to other family members for help and were scorned and turned away since aunts, uncles, siblings, etc. didn’t believe them. In fact, children who exposed the truth were savagely punished.

Now as adults many children of narcissistic matriarchs are breaking the bonds of the iron hold of this reign of terror. I hear from those who are in the process of self healing. They have started putting themselves first, to insist that they be treated with respect, that they are entitled to feel calm, to use their many creative gifts and to spread the word that you can be free of your narcissistic matriarch and lead the life that you deserve.

Linda Martine-Lewi, Ph.D.

It’s Not Too Late to Leave Your Narcissistic Husband or Wife

I hear from many individuals who have been married to a narcissistic spouse for many years. They are suffering horribly. They feel like their lives are completely eclipsed by this very self involved, over entitled and highly demanding individual who is constantly projecting psychological venom on to them. They live in a state of emotional and psychological siege– never knowing from one moment to the next how ugly the narcissist will become–which big shoe will drop and when. This is a perilous way to lead one’s life. Victims of narcissistic spouses don’t deserve this kind of treatment.

Some spouses make excuses for being treated abusively. They have become accustomed to being victimized. They remember the “good times” to stay in the relationship which is never authentic when you are involved with a narcissistic personality.

There is good news from those who have made a decision to leave a marriage to a narcissistic spouse. The process is not easy but very worthwhile. How much is the psychological and emotional quality of your life worth? You are entitled to develop your creative gifts to their fullest, to experience inner peace, to express your feelings without being continually criticized and demeaned. You are a person of integrity and deserve to be treated this way.

Think carefully about the constricted life you are leading. Narcissists insist on followers and adorers not true marital partners. They are incapable of real love and emotional intimacy. They do not change.

Pay close attention to your intuition and let it guide you as you make this very important decision. Put yourself first. That is what I tell my clients. For some, it is the first time in their lives that they have done this. Consider the pathway of freedom and the beginning of a new life cycle that you deserve. Your personal healing is at hand and waiting for you to say “yes” to your new life.

 

Narcissistic Queen Bee Daughters Rule over Mother, Father, Siblings

It is difficult to imagine that a little girl can control an entire household. Those of you who have been tyrannized by a sibling of this kind understand all too well. From early childhood this daughter was allowed by her parents to kick, demand, scream, bribe, cajole and threaten her parents. If they didn’t cave in to her wishes all hell would break loose. The parents were terrified of “upsetting” their little darling and capitulated to her wishes. This relinquishing of their roles was pivotal in creating a narcissistic personality disorder. With a sense of no limits, “You can do nothing wrong attitude”, “we are afraid to impose respectful behavior on you”—she grew in size, outrageous demands and reprehensible behavior.

Queen Bee narcissists are physically abusive and emotionally cruel to their siblings. They perpetrate their treachery on the younger, weaker ones. When the parents are out of sight, they are free to shove, push, squeeze and hit their younger siblings. The secret threat to this terrified child is: “If you say one word to mom or dad—I will hit you even harder. Mom and dad believe me not you. Shut your mouth, don’t say a word–If you disobey me, you will be very sorry.” Some Queen Bees lock infant siblings in closets for hours when mom and dad are out. The wretched screams of sheer terror coming from the locked dark space doesn’t phase the QB. In fact she gets a certain pleasure and feeling of complete control from these heinous acts.

I have had communications with those who were trip-wired throughout their childhoods and adulthoods by these cruel, ruthless narcissistic queens of the household. These little girls who grow up to be psychological monsters have spent much of their time making the lives of their siblings a daily living hell.

I have known of Queen Bees who wouldn’t invite a sibling to her wedding because she was ashamed of his/her lack of education or how they looked. The Queen Bee always wins these battles. She still has the parents under her control and intimidation. In some cases one sibling will become her servant—a Queen Bee Wanna Be. She follows in her shadow, lapping up any compliments and commands she can collect.

Healing from the wrath and malevolent behaviors of the QB sibling can be done. It first requires the recognition that you were victimized by a very disturbed human being. You are not weak. Your sibling is a severe narcissistic personality disorder and in some cases, a sociopath. Your parents are weak and ineffective and allowed themselves to be taken over by one of their own children. They helped to create a monster who still walks the earth.

This is your time to detach and sever your relationship from the narcissistic Queen Bee. When you take this step, you are renewing your own life, valuing yourself as a unique individual and gaining a sense of respite and inner peace that you deserve. Do this for yourself. Do not be concerned what other family members think or say. This is your business not theirs. If mother and father are perplexed about your decision that is their issue. They never protected you from this dreadful person. Some adult children of Queen Bee sisters find that quality psychotherapy is helpful to them. Be sure you get an excellent therapist. It is worth taking the time and effort and research to do this. Learning how to calm you body and mind through yoga, tai chi and various forms of meditation get you in touch with that interior part of yourself that is at peace and feels secure.

Narcissistic Queen Bee Daughters Rule Over Mother, Father, Siblings

It is difficult to imagine that a little girl can control an entire household. Those of you who have been tyrannized by a sibling of this kind understand all too well. From early childhood this daughter was allowed by her parents to kick, demand, scream, bribe, cajole and threaten her parents. If they didn’t cave in to her wishes all hell would break loose. The parents were terrified of “upsetting” their little darling and capitulated to her wishes. This relinquishing of their roles was pivotal in creating a narcissistic personality disorder.With a sense of no limits, “You can do nothing wrong attitude”, “we are afraid to impose respectful behavior on you”—she grew in size, outrageous demands and reprehensible behavior.

Queen Bee narcissists are physically abusive and emotionally cruel to their siblings. They perpetrate their treachery on the younger, weaker ones. When the parents are out of sight, they are free to shove, push, squeeze and hit their younger siblings. The secret threat to this terrified child is: “If you say one word to mom or dad—I will hit you even harder. Mom and dad believe me not you. Shut your mouth, don’t say a word–If you disobey me, you will be very sorry.” Some Queen Bees lock infant siblings in closets for hours when mom and dad are out. The wretched screams of sheer terror coming from the locked dark space doesn’t phase the QB. In fact she gets a certain pleasure and feeling of complete control from these heinous acts.

I have had communications with those who were trip-wired throughout their childhoods and adulthoods by these cruel, ruthless narcissistic queens of the household. These little girls who grow up to be psychological monsters have spent much of their time making the lives of their siblings a daily living hell.

I have known of Queen Bees who wouldn’t invite a sibling to her wedding because she was ashamed of his/her lack of education or how they looked. The Queen Bee always wins these battles. She still has the parents under her control and intimidation. In some cases one sibling will become her servant—a Queen Bee Wanna Be. She follows in her shadow, lapping up any compliments and commands she can collect.

Healing from the wrath and malevolent behaviors of the QB sibling can be done. It first requires the recognition that you were victimized by a very disturbed human being. You are not weak. Your sibling is a severe narcissistic personality disorder and in some cases, a sociopath. Your parents are weak and ineffective and allowed themselves to be taken over by one of their own children. They helped to create a monster who still walks the earth.

This is your time to detach and sever your relationship from the narcissistic Queen Bee. When you take this step, you are renewing your own life, valuing yourself as a unique individual and gaining a sense of respite and inner peace that you deserve. Do this for yourself. Do not be concerned what other family members think or say. This is your business not theirs. If mother and father are perplexed about your decision that is their issue. They never protected you from this dreadful person. Some adult children of Queen Bee sisters find that quality psychotherapy is helpful to them. Be sure you get an excellent therapist. It is worth taking the time and effort and research to do this. Learning how to calm you body and mind through yoga, tai chi and various forms of meditation get you in touch with that interior part of yourself that is at peace and feels secure.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Narcissistic Women–Bridezillas at the Wedding–Monsters in the Marriage

The numbers of narcissistic women are growing rapidly today in this current society of   extreme self entitlement, emotional and psychological shallowness and over the top materialism. (There are innumerable successful, bright, compassionate, talented women who are not narcissists.)

You know these women. Remember the drama that lead up to the wedding day from hell. Your acquaintance or friend or relative who was already a blooming narcissist showed her stripes as she morphed into the ultimate Bridezilla. She made constant demands, often screaming at the wedding support crew of people who were helping her.This narcissist got the bit in her mouth and wouldn’t let go. She changed intricate planning at the last minute, throwing everything off. She displayed temper tantrums that would make a two year old blush and run the other way. She shifted her mood every five minutes. She never apologized for her cruel words to her family and friends who were helping her. Everywhere she went Bridezilla caused emotional disturbance to anyone in her presence.

Those who attended this “wedding” were so relieved to exit, they felt like they had entered an enchanted world outside of the Bridezilla’s kingdom.

Narcissistic women don’t change after the wedding. In fact they can become even more demanding, hyper-critical and cruel.

After the psychological and emotional honeymoon period which can be very brief, they start picking away at their spouse for not being perfect like they are. If you are the husband of one of these women you know how frustrating and hurtful it can be on the receiving end of narcissistic rage and projections. You are blamed for everything that “goes wrong” from her perspective. You can do and say exactly what she wants and a narcissist will find a way to make you wrong. Some narcissists are highly dramatic and make ugly scenes even in public, screaming at you, calling you nasty names, humiliating you in front of friends, demeaning you continually. It is shocking to marry some whom you thought you knew. You keep telling yourself that this is a nightmare and you are going to wake up. But the hard knuckle tactics continue. Narcissists are highly controlling and manipulative. While she can do whatever she wants, you are put on a very short leash. Some narcissistic spouses are jealous, even paranoid about their mates. They don’t want anyone to talk with or spend any time with friends, even family members. You are the narcissistic spouse’s possession.

Meanwhile, she is free to do whatever she wants, whenever and is never accountable for her actions. You are part of her perfect image and she insists that you play this role perfectly. You have been chosen for this purpose alone. In some instances the female narcissist chooses a spouse who has large financial assets that she can use to enhance her status in the world, her lifestyle and social status. These spouses are living narcissistic supplies.

There comes a time of reckoning when the psychologically battered spouse can no longer tolerate living under constant siege and fight or flight mode. Their stress is at the max and they feel like their lives have been taken away from them.

You can free yourself of this non-marriage through divorce. This is a challenge and difficult since these individuals are very uncooperative and never want to share or be fair about splitting properties, assets or money.

I hear from those who have been through this process and they report that, indeed, it was hard but worth their efforts. Now they are free to be themselves, to use their creative gifts, to rediscover that their lives belong to them, not a narcissist.

 

 

Focus on Your Healing–Disengage from Narcissistic Spouse

I hear from many spouses and ex-spouses of narcissistic personalities. They found it difficult to identify that the person they married had a serious personality disorder.  Some of them took decades to realize that they were married to someone who was psychologically and emotionally abusing them. They kept normalizing cruel, controlling and exploitive behaviors. Most of these spouses blamed themselves for the marital problems. Many went to couples therapy and had no positive results.

My clinical experience and that of many others is that the narcissist is a fixed personality disorder that does not change. This psychic structure develops early and the defense mechanisms that the narcissist uses are like concrete. They include massive denial and primitive projections that provide the narcissist with a bulwark of protection against changing his/her psychopathology. The narcissist develops a false self as his/her response to the parent/parents during the early years. This structure grows over time and becomes firmly consolidated within the narcissist. If this individual is the chosen child, he allowed to do whatever he wishes, is given no sense of limits or guidelines for treating others with respect or empathy. Children who are not chosen can also become narcissistic as well.

If you have been through a series of ordeals with your narcissistic spouse you understand how stressful, painful, confusing and disturbing this experience is to your life each day. You are paying the price of not having a self that belongs to you. The narcissist without a sense of healthy psychological boundaries is constantly criticizing you, demeaning you, humiliating you and trying to break you down. Then when you are at the point of giving up, it is not unusual for him to use all of his gifts of persuasion to bring you back and make promises (empty ones) that he/she is definitely going to change and wants to remain your partner. This is a dizzying merry go round ride that does not stop.

Unless you are discarded by the narcissist, which happens in some instances, you are the one who must make the decision (or not)  to finally disengage by separating from  and divorcing them.

Your self healing is the essential issue. You have been living in the fight or flight mode of the sympathetic nervous system for too long. Your nerves are frazzled. You catch yourself constantly in a state of free floating anxiety. You feel self hatred arising. You feel like giving up. Don’t! Get well and put yourself first.

Create a detailed plan for getting out of the marriage. Interview several attorneys. Make sure that the professional you choose is well trained in divorce law, has strong credentials, an excellent reputation, good character and will be your true advocate as well as understanding the manipulations and tricks and ruses of the narcissistic personality. It is very important that this individual have you best interests in mind throughout the entire process.

Make a list of everything you need to do before the divorce papers are served. Make sure that you have the financial resources that you need in the interim.

As you go through this process, develop a practice of self care. Exercise in the way that is best for you, get the sleep that you need, eat healthy, take time in solitude and quiet, journal if that is helpful to you; listen to short guided meditations, practice gentle hatha yoga to calm the nervous system and strengthen the body/mind, listen to your favorite music that is a source of beauty and peace, spend time with a few friends whom you trust and can count on. Maintain a practice of self care now and throughout your life. You deserve to heal and you will. Healing and evolving are lifelong processes.

Disengaging from the narcissist and moving forward with your own life is waiting for you. I hear from so many individuals who have taken this route to freedom. They are so grateful and happy and lighter and inspired and creative now with their lives. You are on the right pathway–the one that leads to inner peace and your healing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Narcissists Take Your Life Away

“The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone…All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive…” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).

The narcissist’s charm, the way he zeros in on you, appears to read your mind and knows exactly what you want and need is truly remarkable. Narcissists are gifted at the chase. Once they decide they want you in their lives it is very difficult to say “no”. You have no idea what will happen to you down the road because you have been hypnotized by his charm, his focus on you, the way he makes you feel.

There is the real narcissist beneath the irresistible facade–the highly developed false self. Eventually if you stay with a narcissist long enough—-marry one, have children with them–you will encounter the dark side just beneath the surface. Here there is seething rage, criticisms that cut to the bone, demands that can never be met, humiliations that no one should ever endure, threats to take away your children and to ruin you financially. Yes, that is what is waiting beneath the seductive smile that promises you everything.

(This post refers to male and female narcissists).

Ultimately, staying with a narcissistic spouse means that you are eclipsing your life. Some spouses make this agreement and decide that they have gone down this road so far that they cannot turn back. The lifestyle is what attracts and sustains them. However, they become psychological prisoners of the narcissistic spouse.

Your life is not your own even if you are able to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. He is always on your mind. There is no real solitude or peace. You deserve to lead your own life despite your marriage or partnership. One road to your freedom is to study the narcissistic personality in-depth. This will reveal a very different story and wake you up. You are entitled to use all of your creative gifts, to expand you individuality not contract to fit someone else’s vision.

Narcissistic Parents Sabotage Their Children

By definition sabotage is a “treacherous series of actions. “  Treachery when perpetrated upon a family member means destruction and annihilation. It is beyond ruthlessness.

Growing up in a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of a deadly fire fight twenty four hours a day. The child who survives these skirmishes and all out wars is truly remarkable. I hear and read life stories of those who found survival techniques. Many of them hid in their own hoes, spent time with friends to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video games, drawing, writing, other creative activities. Some children were fortunate to have a grand parent who would give them times of respite.

Some children who have this experience are in a constant state of anxiety–fight or flight syndrome.The narcissist–mother or father or both rule the household. Screams and demands–slaps and threats can be heard and experienced frequently in these homes. The narcissist lives for himself (herself) alone. Narcissists don’t love their children. They use them to prop up their egos if they perceive that a particular child can add to their perfect image. In this case the child is indulged. The rest of the kids are cast aside and neglected or treated abysmally. Some of these children find ingenious ways to save their sacred flame, to camouflage their creative gifts but continue to use them and to keep the inner fire of a sense of self burning brightly. I have known individuals who have been able to accomplish this despite all of the narcissistic pathology of their mother or father or both parents.

Adult children heal through a combination of pathways that they discover work best for them as individuals. There is no one way, given the trauma ridden childhoods that they sustain. Psychotherapy with highly empathic trained psychotherapists is one aspect of this healing for some. Bring the body/mind into balance is essential to this process. This takes many forms including the practice of gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, the re-awakening of your creativity, finding relationships of trust and respect, learning to put yourself first and to practice self love and self care. Learning how to received the affection that others have for you is all part of this healing phase. Healing is a lifetime process, an evolution of the self that takes as many forms as there are individuals.

Narcissistic Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Psychotherapists Prey on Desperate Individuals

I hear life stories of individuals who have suffered not only from their psychological problems and emotional pain but in addition have been harmed by narcissistic therapists of all kinds—psychologists, psychiatrists, psychoanalysts, etc. There are dedicated, brilliant, empathic professionals who help their clients and patients to heal. These individuals go the extra mile always to be present both in the office and on call for their patients. They help to change the lives of their patients so that they can move forward to become their true selves and to live freely with full use of their many gifts.

I have had the experience of “working” with several highly trained narcissistic therapists whom I have personally seen. They did very little good and in some instances–harm. They took my money without a hint of doubt and kept me going to them as long as I met their need for narcissistic supply.  The longer I attended therapy sessions, the more money they made to satisfy their greed motive. Fortunately, I learned to recognize non-therapists and extricate myself from them. I want you to be able to do the same and to find therapists who are doing the real work of helping you heal.

Narcissistic therapists are in very large supply these days, just as they are in our population. The current society rewards narcissists handsomely for many of the traits that make them harmful to others: extreme self entitlement, ruthlessness, lack of conscience and ethics, complete lack of empathy, winning at all costs at the psychological peril of those closest to them, lack of genuine emotional and psychological intimacy, deceitfulness, chronic incessant lying.

I am not talking about becoming successful as negative. It is wonderful that people do well, use their gifts, move up in the world, become educated, are creative at their work and are paid well.

Narcissistic therapists control patients who come to them often in a state of emergency and desperation. They feel emotionally dependent. They are in crisis. They have tried many ways to heal themselves before they knock on the door of the narcissistic therapist. They are at the mercy of this person with the credentials, the education and the clinical experience that speaks of their qualifications to treat them. It doesn’t matter how great the credentials and training is if the individual you are seeing is a narcissistic personality disorder. By definition this person is incapable of genuine empathy which is essential to the healing process in psychotherapy.

Narcissistic therapists have a money motive. Often their fees get higher and higher as the patient becomes more desperate. Narcissistic greed is running their show.

Pay attention to the signs of a narcissistic psychotherapist:

1. Inability to listen carefully and take in what you are saying and how you are feeling.

2. A lack of empathy–the incapacity to experience what you are feeling from your perspective. Some narcissistic therapists blame the patient for his problems. Narcissistic therapists are bored with their patients. You notice boredom particularly in the nonverbal behaviors of the therapist (lack of eye contact, sleepiness, restlessness, inability to be still and listen).

3. Inordinate focus on fees and insisting on very large fees that are out of line with the professional services offered.

4. Psychotherapists who project their unconscious venom on to their patients.

5. Psychotherapists who foster unnecessary dependence on patients to make them come to additional sessions that will bring them more money.

6. Psychotherapists who talk about their private lives. You are paying them to talk about themselves. That is completely unprofessional and a red flag that this person is a narcissist.

I hear from individuals who are in the process of healing from narcissists in their lives. They are doing the hard work each day of becoming the person and leading the lives that they deserve. You are entitled to find and work with a psychotherapist who is worthy of you. Remember you are in charge. You decide after doing your research and interviewing who will work best with you. And remember as well, that you do not have to stay  with any therapist. You can always terminate. You hired this person to help you heal and you deserve the very best.

 

 

Children of Narcissistic Mothers–Heal and Evolve

We are always in the process of evolving. We feel the internal gashes, blows and deep bruises of childhood cruelty and maternal deprivation, especially if we are children of a narcissistic mother. This is one of the greatest challenges in life. There are those who have that moment of awakening and recognize that there mother is a narcissistic personality. Something deep inside them stirs and says they must free themselves of this deep wound. They are determined to break from the psychological and emotional shackles of the parent who never was.

This insight about your narcissistic mother puts you on the path to healing yourself. Your are a unique human being—an invaluable one. Although you may share the DNA of your mother and father and your ancestors, you are not them. You will never be on the face of the earth again–Your special imprint will never appear again past, present, future. You have time left to fulfill the evolution of your original self–the person you were meant to be.

Healing often begins with grieving the mother you did not have. You feel like crying. You are infuriated by all of the years of brainwashing, cruelties, put-downs, constant verbal abuse that has made you wonder if you are too blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Always remember this. You didn’t ask to be the child of this mother. An aspect of your healing very many is to sever the “relationship” with this non mother. Other members of the family may object or wonder what you are doing. WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, NOT THE OTHER PARENT,NOT OTHER SIBLINGS, NOT IN-LAWS –MATTERS. THIS IS YOUR DECISION TO HEAL.

Individuals heal in different ways. Let yourself cry, Give yourself the solitude and time that it takes to move through this process. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Make sure that you interview a couple of therapists and make sure that are not narcissists or people who have a strong money motive.

There are a number of healing modalities including gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on the breath, sitting and walking meditation, the company and contact with a couple of friends who care deeply about you and are available at any time. Spontaneous writing done consistently without editing gives your a portal to your feelings and access to your creativity. If you draw and paint, do this–Start a healing art book. Remember, no judgements. Look at yourself. Give yourself love and credit for your psychological survival under horrendous childhood circumstances. I have a deep commitment to those who are children of narcissistic mothers. I am amazed by their compassion and kindness. I am honored by their presence in the world.

Keep evolving–there are no limits—keep loving–Keep giving solace to others as you have all of your life.

You will find peace and your gifts will expand and deepen. We are so fortunate to share a place with you in the world.