Tag: Narcissistic Personality

Beneath the mask of consummate self confidence, a contagion of charm and magnetism which mesmerizes the best of us, the narcissist is sadistic. A sadist is person who finds enjoyment in hurting others or causing them to suffer. We’re talking about a sinister kind of sadistic behavior that can be so subtle that the victim is completely unaware that they are being emotionally harmed or covert verbal intimidation that carries a threat. The narcissist operates on the psyche and the bank account of his victims. When a romantic, intimate relationship is in full sail the woman of the hour is in a trance, carried off on the winds of elation, sexual attraction and unlimited possibilities. She is temporarily unbounded from her life history, freed from the usual routines and conventions of her life. Being with a high powered narcissist is intoxicating.

Depending on the narcissist’s intentions this chemically driven honeymoon is extended or lasts for a short period of time. Once the narcissist realizes that he “has” the person fully in tow, his serious game begins. He becomes demanding and critical, issuing orders to provide him with his ever present narcissistic supplies for adoration, praise, and total obedience. He requires perfection from his partner. When perfection is presented to him, it is not good enough. The narcissist relishes the psychological power he wields over his partner. He can flip any switch in his repertoire and she will obey him. If she is uncooperative, the narcissist verbally attacks the victim where she is the most vulnerable. If she has money, the narcissist finds a way to control it and use it to serve his purposes. High level narcissists appear to have a money gene. They constantly focus on making money. They don’t do favors for anyone unless they are substantially remunerated.

As the female partner becomes further entangled in the narcissist’s web, she tries even harder to please him. She fears losing him to someone else. She dreads being alone and is willing to take any kind of abuse to avoid abandonment. This is a replay of her childhood script. Partners of narcissists often suffer from annihilation anxiety. This is a deep chronic terror that if they are separated from the person whom they love, they will be psychologically and emotionally annihilated and cease to exist. The origins of this primal fear arise in their psychological and emotional abandonment as children. The child at that time was in survival mode and had to beg, placate and turn herself inside out to maintain a connection with the parent. There were no other alternatives. As an adult, the victim of the narcissist is unconsciously replaying this childhood role. Core issues that are not worked through in therapy or by other means remain with us throughout our lives. As she did with mother and father, the partner of the narcissist works at “calming the beast.” This tactic is painfully familiar. The partner of the narcissist is holding on as if her life depended on it. She is saying to herself with her actions and words:”I desperately love you, no matter how cruel and brutal you are to me.” The narcissist feels fully empowered by his partner’s desperation. He has prevailed and celebrates this triumph over another human being. Even after the narcissist has cut off the relationship completely, some women become so desperate they obsessively try to contact their former partner through emails, text messaging,telephone calls, letters, etc. They cannot let go and acknowledge that the narcissist has ended the “relationship” and no longer wants anything to do with her. He has moved on to embrace a fresh partner who will provide him with the pleasure, fun and all of the narcissistic supplies that he needs. For a deeper understanding of the narcissistic personality, the clever games they perpetrate on their vicitmized partners and and how to deal with these complex and manipulative personalities, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-:Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

There is a plethora of spiritual teachers who are profiting from the psychological and emotional suffering of vulnerable human beings. This brand of narcissism has a long sleazy history. The difference today is in the enormous reach that these individuals have, worldwide due to the global media. Many narcissistic teachers are well educated and articulate with their subject. Their audiences often are quite sophisticated. Many of these teachers take their source material from ancient texts and oral traditions, reiterate the salient ideas from the original and re-label them to package a product that is their brand. Spirituality in the hands of narcissistic teachers is a product, a business, not a study in higher consciousness or the alleviation of suffering.

I am aware of the psychological damage the narcissistic teacher can wreak on the spouses and ex-spouses of narcissists. Individuals who have already been burned in marriages to toxic narcissists find themselves unwittingly seeking help from the same kind of personality disorder who has inflicted great emotional harm upon them. Feeling desperate and alone, some ex-spouses pay large sums of money (they cannot afford) to attend ongoing seminars and workshops offered by unscrupulous teachers. Some vulnerable students cling to narcissistic spiritual teachers, in the empty belief that they will be finally be healed.

Those who are experiencing the psychological pain of moving through the process of separation and divorce from a narcissist must learn to protect themselves from this kind of exploitation. “True spirituality is the opposite of narcissism. Its purpose is to work through layers of delusion to the truth. An authentic spiritual person comes without fanfare; he is not waiting for the next closeup, speaking fee, or autograph…The true guru is humble…attached neither to making large sums of money nor becoming famous and powerful in the world.”

You can heal and grow after a divorce or breakup. In fact, you can renew your life. It takes hard work, belief in yourself, strong solid support, for some-psychotherapy, and if you decide–a spiritual path that you alone choose. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinnyourlife.com

In many regions of this country all that matters is how you look: your beauty, handsomeness, youthfulness, sexiness, slimness,affluence. I have watched many scenes and overheard numerous conversations in which inappropriate questions are asked. Some of my favorites are: “Are you retired?” (This means you look old and have money) “How old are you?” This question is just plain rude and doesn’t require an explanation. “Do you want the senior discount?” (Again, you look pretty old. We don’t like old people but we have to put up with them.) “Are you a grandmother?” (You’re getting on in years. Are you being productive with your life by having your children propagate?) That’s a hell of a question. How does the questioner know that you are married, unmarried, single, widowed, how old you are and any number of personal facts about your life. Many of these cruel rude inquiries, especially directed at women who are over forty are an integral part of our narcissistic culture.

Today women are heralded for their tightly pulled or recently refreshed faces as a result of the artistry of a plastic surgeon. Very few people want to know what is on your mind and in your heart these days. All the gold’s in the flawless external image. Neither women nor anyone else should face these cruelties lying down or feel unworthy or ugly or aged because they are being verbally and visually bombarded by a vacuous, mindless society that is largely empty inside.

There are incredible human exceptions—people who are so genuine and involved with the inner self, expanding the reaches of awareness,compassion and mercy and disinterested in the outer packaging of another human being. Empty narcissistic image boosting has run its tawdry cycle. The time of authenticity is rising. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Divorce is one of the most stressful experiences in our lives.It is a time of chaos, unpredictability and disorientation. Divorcing a narcissist is particularly difficult and challenging. If I was in a position like this, I don’t think I could use the assistance of lawyers such as Peters And May soon enough! This must be difficult for anyone to handle. Even thinking about it is tough enough. Frequently, the narcissistic spouse has already moved on from the marriage, leaving the other spouse to pick up the pieces of his or her life. Often the first reaction is severe shock. Many of the women I consult are still reeling from the fact that narcissistic husband is insisting on a divorce. They are struck numb by this announcement and their spouse’s abrupt thoughtless and reckless behavior, such as, leaving the home and taking all of his possessions, going on an extended secret vacation, purposely appearing on the arm of another woman, spending large sums of money on extravagant trips and possessions.

Besides hiring the best attorney you can and have him fully vetted, be sure that he/she has an understanding of the narcissistic personality and how they operate, especially during the divorce process. Narcissists turn very ugly during divorce. They despise the exposure, the potential damage to their flawless image.

Many women divorcing narcissists are taking care of everyone else but themselves. I find that it is valuable to make a brief list of what you need to do on a regular basis to keep yourself healthy, calmer and optimistic (despite this most difficult of passages). Writing in a journal regularly releases innumerable pent up feelings. Write freely, in the flow of your consciousness, without editing. It is surprising how the act of writing with freedom, creates catharsis, a stronger sense of self and is a creative exercise as well. Find a form of physical exercise that appeals to you and do it regularly. Even if you don’t feel like walking and are able, get up and do it. Begin very gradually. Every step you take is in the right direction toward your healing. Allow yourself to cry freely. Carry no shame about this. Crying is a natural process that too many women have forgotten. Crying is a natural healing process, that releases mind and body.Get regular quality sleep. (Exercise will help with this matter) Pay attention to good nutrition so that you have the physical and mental energy and stamina to move through your days. Treat yourself with kindness: go to the library, watch movies you love (with the help of dish tv), talk to friends whom you trust, take up a new activity like yoga, meditation, book groups, writing in a journal, taking pictures of nature, etc. If you need to see a therapist, do your research and get the benefits of quality psychotherapy which can help you tremendously during this stressful period. You could also look at alternative medicines such as CBD to help with stress and anxiety-filled days, your mind can run away with you, so being able to get yourself to a calmer pace can do wonders. See what you could buy from ezcbdwholesale.com to help with your day to day life, consult with your doctor first to see if this is a good pathway for you.

Divorce is not forever.It does not define you. Divorce can become a beginning, especially if you have been hamstrung by being married to a narcissist who has held you back, demeaned, humiliated, betrayed and manipulated for so many years. The opportunity to manifest who you really are with authenticity, spontaneity and,yes, eventually, joy, awaits you. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissist draws a circle of admirers around him/her that provides him with a constant flow of praise, adulation, even worship. Those who are married to narcissists are members of this special club. Those who cast their fates with high functioning narcissists benefit from financial security, a comfortable lifestyle, social status, business opportunities. “The narcissist draws a magical, golden circle around himself…Those inside this chosen enclave are privileged. Members of this elite group believe that the light that shines so brightly upon the narcissist will reflect back onto them, warming each one with an incandescent glow.” Spouses of narcissists are part of this golden circle of influence, a connection with power and privilege. This is the upside of being married to a narcissist. The downside is hidden and dark. Beneath the image of charm and magnetism, the narcissist in private is a demanding, manipulative uncompromising individual who is cold and ruthless. Spouses who obey and give their lives to their narcissistic spouse are more likely to be remain in these relationships. They will be betrayed many times through the narcissist’s sexual affairs as well as his complete psychological absence. and total lack of empathy. They have lost themselves and their lives.

By the time the non-narcissistic spouse has come to the point of divorce he/she has suffered greatly under his partner’s ruthless hand. You have been the recipient of endless demands, humiliations and bottomless narcissistic rage. He has turned your emotional and psychological life upside down over decades for many. The time of decision has come and you have mustered the courage and strength to break this abusive alliance and leave behind your role as part of the charmed circle. This step can feel right but overwhelming. The final straw is different for each non-narcissistic spouse. You sense a keen psychological vulnerability. Nevertheless, you move forward, do your homework, choose an excellent attorney and make the plans that will lead to a legal and emotional break in the pathway of your life. Your momentum is moving forward rather than backward. Although this is a difficult process and there are reverses and plateaus along the way, you are in the process of rediscovering yourself. With the help of psychotherapy, emotional support of real friends, and a determination and belief in yourself as a valuable and worthy individual, you step out of the narcissist’s golden circle. This is a psychological relief and a promise you have kept with yourself. You are unbridled to move along at your pace, your style, recreating your life and expanding and deepening your experience of reality in the world and deep within yourself. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Taking your life back from a narcissist is a tall order—-but it can be done. The first step is recognizing that you are involved with a narcissist through marriage and the narcissistic family tableau. This is often one of the most difficult aspects of the process. Many spouses suffer for years, blaming themselves that they feel trapped and miserable in their marriage. I have heard from so many spouses who spent decades, forcing themselves to make their marriage to a narcissist work. The couple went into therapy; the narcissist sabotaged it. The non-narcissistic spouse tried to turn herself/himself inside out to change, to do anything that would make the narcissistic spouse happy. When all of their efforts were fruitless, the suffering spouse blamed herself/himself. In some cases these partners become physically ill with chronic diseases that begin with the stress that they have internalized. Some spouses make an unconscious and conscious decision to put up with the pain and emotional sterility of staying in the marriage. They choose to eclipse their lives, creativity, spontaneity, joy, freedom. Their need for security, often financial, runs so deep that they make the compromise and remain married to their narcissistic spouse.

Getting prepared to divorce a narcissist is like standing at the end of a thirty foot high platform, poised to dive into the aquamarine water below. You have gone through all the moves of the dive hundreds of times. The pivotal moment has come and you are ready. There is a brief hesitation as you look ahead and anticipate your trip through the air and into the water. There is a no turning back moment when you know that the divorce is imminent. Because we are human and subject to a myriad of emotions, especially when we are on the brink of a major life shift, doubts arise. We want to return to what we believed was the security of our marital life. This is a false hope of the lost dream of the marriage. Returning to the familiarity of the old life is tempting but no longer possible. I am reminded of magnificent olympic divers who with courage and grace, leave the platform to perform an intricate dance in the air, followed by an elegant, soundless entry into the water. They have chosen to make the leap forward, putting their fears aside as they catapult forward in arcs of great beauty. Learning to move forward in your life with courage and grace is part of your destiny. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Each person deserves a sense of respect and psychological protection. This inner feeling of entitlement begins when we are very young and stems from how we are treated by our parents. If we are loved as a valuable unique human being, we begin as little children to internalize these positive feelings about ourselves. At the same times good parents teach their children by example and learning to respect them and other human beings. In many instances parents are insensitive and abusive, treating their children as extensions of their needs and desires. Narcissistic parents make little kings and queens out of the their children to make up for their own psychological deficiencies.

The narcissist grows up believing that he or she is superior and perfect. His understanding from childhood is that other people are at his disposal. They are his possessions, existing to serve him. He or she has no sense of boundaries or limits. He respects no one; he exploits everyone, even spouses and children.

A specific example of this kind of boundary issue is the narcissist’s sense of linear time. There’s an old song which begins: “Your time is my time and my time is your time…” For the narcissist your time is always his/her time.Some narcissists are night people and will call you at 2 in the morning because they have a brilliant idea and must share it with you immediately. The narcissist must be in control of others or he won’t play. Narcissists discard people who don’t fulfill their needs and whims of the moment, then seduce them back into their lives to exploit them once more. Narcissists show no boundaries when they steal your creative ideas and give you no credit in return.

Learn to draw your own psychological boundaries clearly. Activate a healthy sense of self entitlement so a narcissist or any other predatory human being can never cross that line again. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: lmlphd@gmail.com

The identity of the narcissist is largely based on his/her external image. I am talking about personal appearance, the look of success–homes,cars,planes, yes—even wives, mistresses and children. The narcissist feeds on his grandiose feelings of superiority but must present perfection to the world. His act is so smooth. He or she is perfectly turned out–so charming, affable, persuasive with those from whom he is seeking approval, power, money, praise. Those on the receiving end of this act feel a thrill of excitement in a highly developed narcissist. He surrounds himself with an aura of overriding confidence, When the narcissist is “on”, he or she can seduce us with their magnetism (unless we know how to read them psychologically).

Those who have spent years of suffering living through relationships or marriages to narcissists know that this velvet exterior is an act, a device of manipulation. Even so, many spouses and partners of narcissists trudge on, staying with these masters of image because they want to believe that this is the real person. Narcissists rip off their masks when they leave a particular stage. They are consummate actors—they even produce tears that appear to be genuine. The dark side is exposed readily enough. The rages, recriminations, criticisms, humiliations, accusations resume. The partner is blamed for everything that goes wrong. The self hatred that the narcissist unconsciously feels inside is spewed out onto those closest to him. They take the blows. There are no real apologies for these verbal assaults. The narcissist justifies all of his actions, even his cruelest deeds.

I remind those who are recipients of the narcissist’s vitriol that he/she is not going to change. You can stand there and take the blows, numb yourself, detach emotionally, in some cases, become psychologically or even physically ill, or you can make the decision to end what was never a reciprocal relationship and reclaim what you deserve: your life together with all of your gifts, energies, dreams, talents and potential. It’s not too late. It is your decision. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com