Beneath the mask of consummate self confidence, a contagion of charm and magnetism which mesmerizes the best of us, the narcissist is sadistic. A sadist is person who finds enjoyment in hurting others or causing them to suffer. We’re talking about a sinister kind of sadistic behavior that can be so subtle that the victim is completely unaware that they are being emotionally harmed or covert verbal intimidation that carries a threat. The narcissist operates on the psyche and the bank account of his victims. When a romantic, intimate relationship is in full sail the woman of the hour is in a trance, carried off on the winds of elation, sexual attraction and unlimited possibilities. She is temporarily unbounded from her life history, freed from the usual routines and conventions of her life. Being with a high powered narcissist is intoxicating.
Depending on the narcissist’s intentions this chemically driven honeymoon is extended or lasts for a short period of time. Once the narcissist realizes that he “has” the person fully in tow, his serious game begins. He becomes demanding and critical, issuing orders to provide him with his ever present narcissistic supplies for adoration, praise, and total obedience. He requires perfection from his partner. When perfection is presented to him, it is not good enough. The narcissist relishes the psychological power he wields over his partner. He can flip any switch in his repertoire and she will obey him. If she is uncooperative, the narcissist verbally attacks the victim where she is the most vulnerable. If she has money, the narcissist finds a way to control it and use it to serve his purposes. High level narcissists appear to have a money gene. They constantly focus on making money. They don’t do favors for anyone unless they are substantially remunerated.
As the female partner becomes further entangled in the narcissist’s web, she tries even harder to please him. She fears losing him to someone else. She dreads being alone and is willing to take any kind of abuse to avoid abandonment. This is a replay of her childhood script. Partners of narcissists often suffer from annihilation anxiety. This is a deep chronic terror that if they are separated from the person whom they love, they will be psychologically and emotionally annihilated and cease to exist. The origins of this primal fear arise in their psychological and emotional abandonment as children. The child at that time was in survival mode and had to beg, placate and turn herself inside out to maintain a connection with the parent. There were no other alternatives. As an adult, the victim of the narcissist is unconsciously replaying this childhood role. Core issues that are not worked through in therapy or by other means remain with us throughout our lives. As she did with mother and father, the partner of the narcissist works at “calming the beast.” This tactic is painfully familiar. The partner of the narcissist is holding on as if her life depended on it. She is saying to herself with her actions and words:”I desperately love you, no matter how cruel and brutal you are to me.” The narcissist feels fully empowered by his partner’s desperation. He has prevailed and celebrates this triumph over another human being. Even after the narcissist has cut off the relationship completely, some women become so desperate they obsessively try to contact their former partner through emails, text messaging,telephone calls, letters, etc. They cannot let go and acknowledge that the narcissist has ended the “relationship” and no longer wants anything to do with her. He has moved on to embrace a fresh partner who will provide him with the pleasure, fun and all of the narcissistic supplies that he needs. For a deeper understanding of the narcissistic personality, the clever games they perpetrate on their vicitmized partners and and how to deal with these complex and manipulative personalities, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Linda Martinez-:Lewi, Ph.D.