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We are always in the process of evolving. We feel the internal gashes, blows and deep bruises of childhood cruelty and maternal deprivation, especially if we are children of a narcissistic mother. This is one of the greatest challenges in life. There are those who have that moment of awakening and recognize that there mother is a narcissistic personality. Something deep inside them stirs and says they must free themselves of this deep wound. They are determined to break from the psychological and emotional shackles of the parent who never was.

This insight about your narcissistic mother puts you on the path to healing yourself. Your are a unique human being—an invaluable one. Although you may share the DNA of your mother and father and your ancestors, you are not them. You will never be on the face of the earth again–Your special imprint will never appear again past, present, future. You have time left to fulfill the evolution of your original self–the person you were meant to be.

Healing often begins with grieving the mother you did not have. You feel like crying. You are infuriated by all of the years of brainwashing, cruelties, put-downs, constant verbal abuse that has made you wonder if you are too blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Always remember this. You didn’t ask to be the child of this mother. An aspect of your healing very many is to sever the “relationship” with this non mother. Other members of the family may object or wonder what you are doing. WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS, NOT THE OTHER PARENT,NOT OTHER SIBLINGS, NOT IN-LAWS –MATTERS. THIS IS YOUR DECISION TO HEAL.

Individuals heal in different ways. Let yourself cry, Give yourself the solitude and time that it takes to move through this process. Some individuals benefit from excellent psychotherapy. Make sure that you interview a couple of therapists and make sure that are not narcissists or people who have a strong money motive.

There are a number of healing modalities including gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on the breath, sitting and walking meditation, the company and contact with a couple of friends who care deeply about you and are available at any time. Spontaneous writing done consistently without editing gives your a portal to your feelings and access to your creativity. If you draw and paint, do this–Start a healing art book. Remember, no judgements. Look at yourself. Give yourself love and credit for your psychological survival under horrendous childhood circumstances. I have a deep commitment to those who are children of narcissistic mothers. I am amazed by their compassion and kindness. I am honored by their presence in the world.
Keep evolving–there are no limits—keep loving–Keep giving solace to others as you have all of your life.
You will find peace and your gifts will expand and deepen. We are so fortunate to share a place with you in the world. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph..D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@the narcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by lmlphd

Covert narcissists attire themselves in different camouflages. They are your psychological enemy if you marry them. Despite their pseudo humility or even fake holiness, inside they are narcissistic personalities. They method act the empathy superbly. They give you all of their attention and more when they are actively chasing you or want what you have. One of the most difficult CN’s to recognize is the “saintly” one. (Those who are seeking God or trying to be better human beings through spiritual teachings are completely exempt from this post).

Many of the holy CN’s are brainwashed and insist that you are a sinner. If they are your relatives this becomes intolerable. They tell you that you are going to hell if you don’t believe the way they do. You are looked down upon. Holy covert narcissists know what is best for your soul. They never stop trying to save you. They riddle you with guilt. Growing up in a family of saintly CN’s is particularly challenging. Children often feel guilty that they cannot come up to the moral level of their relatives.

Be sure you don’t marry one of these pretenders. Highly spiritual people are nonjudgmental. They tend to their own souls and have compassion for you as a person. They wish you well and have respect for you, even if you are an atheist.

To protect yourself from entanglements with covert narcissists, study their personality structures deeply. Know what makes them tick and be aware of all of the costumes that they wear to fool you. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life

You never asked to be married to a person who turned out to be a psychological beast. In the beginning it was all so romantic. You knew this was the person with whom you were going to spend the rest of your life. This man knew you (that’s what you believed) and was the one you had been searching for. In some cases women who are particularly vulnerable to this kind of man are the daughters of narcissistic mothers. They are now unconsciously repeating this pattern.

The narcissistic mask of your new husband begins to slip with his picking away at your lack of perfection. He is pointing out your mistakes even if they are his. Narcissists believe that they are perfect. Everyone else is flawed. The narcissist is very vocal on this subject. The picking gets deeper and uglier, punctuated by volcanic narcissistic rages that can go on for hours. Narcissists have tremendous stamina when they are on an offensive attack. They love to fight dirty. They know when you are emotionally vulnerable and go for the jugular. Some spouses take all of the blame and burden and put this on themselves. Some become physically ill from the stress that their bodies can no longer endure–they can’t sleep, eat properly or even have one quiet thought. The narcissist is eating them alive psychologically.

Do you want to stay married to a person who is ripping you apart piece by piece? This is ultimately your decision. But that is the question. Narcissists are fixed personality disorders who do not change. They don’t mellow with age.

Some spouses have had enough and prepare for the process of divorce. They do their homework, make sure they have a highly informed attorney who understands the level of ruthlessness, deception and manipulation that these people will go to in a divorce situation. Never underestimate their cunning and vituperativeness.
Learn to take good care of yourself. Study everything you can about the narcissistic personality. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by lmlphd

Anyone can fall under the spell of a highly skilled covert narcissist. This is what happened to me. I became very interested in the meditation process and wanted to learn about it directly after reading a number of books on the subject. I did the research and discovered that there was a highly trained meditation teacher who was recommended as one of the best in her field. I read about her credentials and years of experience. She offered weekly group meditations for a fair fee.

I met Debra and was very impressed by her depth of knowledge, her deep attention to the needs of each student, her kind, empathic manner and excellent teaching skills.

Debra had been meditating for decades and developed a strong consistent practice. In class she gave each student her complete attention. I learned a great deal from her about the mediation process. Several years later I returned to participate in another meditation group. This time I noticed that Debra and everything about her organization had changed. The class rates had skyrocketed. Debra was very short with the participants. She was more concerned about signing up individuals for meditation teacher training than she was with giving a good class. Debra was frenetic—on a high about all of her success. Unlike the earlier experience, I could hear her counting the money she would be making through her surrogate teachers who were on a very low salary and the exorbitant price of her teacher training that had tripled in two years. The meditation teacher training had been cut down to six weeks and the price was in the thousands. The number of hours Debra spent with her students was greatly reduced. Most of the learning was done at home so that Debra could have a number of trainings going on simultaneously.

Debra was restless. I got a strong feeling that she was just going through the motions in teaching her classes. Out of class she now spoke about her material possessions–new clothing she had purchased, trips she had taken, properties that she was buying. It was as if Debra had become a different person in the two years since I had seen her. I had no interest in using her as a meditation teacher.

I had believed that Debra was genuine and empathic and disinterested in accumulating large sums of money at the expense of her students. Debra was now quite grandiose–she had adoring followers who ran behind her like baby ducklings. The prices of her classes were outrageously high. Her charge for personal one on one session was astronomical. Her manner now was brisk, her attention span short and her capacity to listen to the problems of those who had come to learn and become calmer and more centered was non-existent. Debra is a late blooming narcissist.which is unusual. I remembered her background, growing up in a family of many siblings who had very little from their work weary parents. There was no money. The family scraped around to get just the necessities. Debra never bonded with her mother or her father. She had a maternally deprived childhood and an absent father. In the middle of the pack of children Debra didn’t shine as a young child. After she left home she began to train in meditation and discovered this was her calling. However, she never dealt with the external or internal deprivations inside of herself. When she began to reach professional success, she changed into a seeker of material things and having an image of a spiritual teacher rather than being one.

I had met the false self covert narcissist on a lifelong spiritual quest. I believed she was genuine. This was the elaborate convincing seamless mask that she wore. That’s how convincing these narcissists can be. From a two year distance I could now perceive that I was meeting the real Debra—a narcissistic personality, obsessed with making money, buying clothes, having a coterie of students falling on her every word and move.

This was an invaluable experience that taught me that regardless of your training or perceptions of the moment, that you can be fooled by the narcissist’s pseudo spirituality, fake empathy and inverted humility that is part of the external image of piety and spirituality.

Never blame yourself for not recognizing a skilled narcissist. Learn from you experience and continue to move forward. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Being the daughter of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult life experiences. From the time you were born, you could not be properly nurtured and cherished because your mother was a narcissist. Her touch was rough, insensitive or non-existent. Some narcissistic mothers are unable to hold their babies and only give them a quick bottle that is propped up. There is no contact or it it brusque, brisk and without any positive emotion. In fact some narcissistic mothers resent their daughters so much they can bearable stand to look at them. When they do it is an expression of disdain and anger that the little daughter sees on her mother’s face. “Mama doesn’t love me.” This is the loud message that many daughters have imprinted on their consciousness very early. If the father is capable of affection and emotional connection this can be the saving grace—And a grandparent or aunt can make all of the difference. In some cases an older sibling is the person who mothers this child. For some there is no one in the family and I have discovered some daughters who have literally raised themselves. This is truly remarkable but not without the psychological wounds that are unseen on the outside but cause deep psychic pain in the inside.

Narcissistic mothers haunt their daughters. These daughters often question themselves and even blame themselves for a lack of maternal love. This is due to the earliest imprinting of maternal deprivation and psychological abuse. Some daughters go on to marry narcissistic men and the cycle of repetition continues. When we grow up with this level of pathology–that is our reality. We needed to do what was necessary to survive–Never blame yourself for that–ever! Be grateful for the dear child who moment by moment, week by week, year by year–was determined to survive. That is an incredible achievement.

Some daughters remain under the thumb of the narcissistic mother terror. They are fused with her. They love her and hate her simultaneously. This pattern can be very powerful. However, it does not have to remain in place.

Many daughters of narcissistic mothers finally recognize that their mother is a person who suffers from serious psychopathology that will not change. They make the break with the narcissistic mother. They recognize that they were given a life and are entitled to lead it according to their own unique natures, to use their creative gifts, to find deep peace inside, to give and receive love. Many of these daughters find help an change working with an excellent therapist. (Make sure you don’t choose a narcissistic psychotherapist who has a money motive at the top of her/his list).

There are many healing paths that will appeal to you. Find the ones that work for you alone. Gentle hath yoga with its emphasis on the breath through the nose is very calming. It expands our consciousness and has an impact on bringing the nervous system into balance. Journaling for many is a way of putting your spontaneous feelings and thoughts on the page without editing. Different forms of artistic expression are very freeing and creative. Exercise your way and find that you become physically stronger, steadier and more emotionally balanced. Develop a relationship(s) with what I call the 2 am friend–someone you can call when you are feeling down or scared or indecisive. These loving people can make all of the difference in our lives.
Meditation in a form that works for you –walking, sitting, solitude in any activity where you will not be interrupted is also a way of quieting the mind and nervous system.

For those who have deceased narcissistic mothers– learn how to put her to rest in your mind and heart. This can be part of a grieving process for a woman who was a non-mother. People sometimes set up GoFundMe crowdfunders to help someone who is grieving, but if you are grieving a mother you never had then you may not want one of these done for you. However, grieving for the mother you never had is still very sad and will probably make you cry. Crying is a way of releasing psychological and emotional pain and saying goodbye to the mother we never had. This can be done and it is a journey—a journey to the real self. I hear from daughters of narcissistic mothers who are in the process of healing. This is very encouraging and true. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

This is the second part of the post about narcissistic sisters and the extraordinary cruelties and treacheries they endure. Even as small children the narcissistic sister may even try to smother the little one. They hit, spit on, pinch her making sure they don’t leave any marks.

The meanness and deception starts very early. One scenario is that the narcissistic sister is the golden, chosen one picked by the mother to be her perfect child. She is mother’s echo. Mother worships her and molds her into a perfect replica of herself. Mother is so obsessed with this child that she puts no limits on her. She can perpetrate any physical or emotional cruelty on the other children without consequences. The father is psychologically dependent on the mother—He’s a baby in a grown up body.

The narcissistic matriarch tyrannically runs the entire family including in-laws, nieces, her own mother. Everyone is intimidated by her. She is masterful at the charm offensive. Her many masks are grandly displayed and highly convincing. Most people believe that she has a very fine character. This is all a lie.

When the front door is firmly shut, the narcissistic mother is a seething Medusa–deadly venomous snakes writhing on her head. Each dancing snake is coiled — ready to spew deadly venom. This is the traumatic experience of the unfavored daughter of the NM and the narcissistic sister.

The sister who is victimized by her narcissistic sister learns how to hide–at times literally. I have known children who found a hiding place under their houses. They learned to keep very quiet for hours to avoid confrontation. These sisters live in constant fear. When mother is out the narcissistic sister pounces. Sometimes she invites her cruel friends to join in on the attack. The narcissistic sister tells her little sibling that if she says anything to anyone about the cruel games they have played on her—she will be sent away and will never come back to her family. Young children believe this kind of lie and experience a deeper terror.

Narcissistic sisters do hate their siblings. They are constantly projecting the toxic contents of their unconscious on to those who have no power over them. They are bullies without conscience or limits. When the impulse rises in them to strike out, they do, without a second thought.

Siblings who are treated with this mortal form of cruelty and sadism often find a way to leave the home very early. Some of them literally leave with a small suitcase and a little cash and seek out friends they can stay with. Anything is better than this day and night relentless torture.

These daughters live to tell the tale, work to heal themselves and develop their creative gifts. They find friends who appreciate their unique compassion and genuineness. These sisters replace the hatred reaped upon them with love and compassion for those who enter their lives. Many of them benefit from excellent psychotherapy, practice of healing the body/mind–gentle hatha yoga, cardiovascular exercise (what works for you) and making full use of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com