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Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. He/she is merciless. If you are in the full bloom of his infatuation with you–then you are The One and he won’t let you forget it. This phase doesn’t last long. You may believe that he still loves you (He never did–Narcissists are incapable of love). This is not true. He is just barely going through the motions. In fact not long after the marriage, a few years, months, decades, depending on his fancy and other opportunities he has for other women to adore him., he wants you out of his life–the quicker the better.

If you get sick he doesn’t give a damn. If you get real sick, he is inconvenienced and pissed. “You drive yourself to the hospital. You’re putting on an act–I can tel and it’s not convincing.” This has really happened. Believe it, this is how cold and disgusting these individuals can be when their adoring audience is not present. He pretends to care about your welfare but this is all show. His relatives and friends think he is an extraordinary person–a great family man. Really!!! It is not unusual after the marriage is in dark distress for the narcissistic husband to flip the entire family to his side. Don’t catch yourself flat footed. Remember, without a conscience the narcissist is morally agile–he can go in any direction he wants at high speed. Others have to think and weigh the consequences of their judgements: Will this hurt someone? Will I hurt this person’s feelings? The narcissist doesn’t go through this exercise—ever. He forges ahead in the fast lane of his life and no one else matters.

So, you must learn to care about your own life and appreciate every gift that you have, every kindness you have shown to others and those that you will bestow in the future. Appreciate that you think about the feelings of others before you act–that you have a well developed conscience–that you are merciful to those who are vulnerable, afraid, weak and debilitated. And today there are so many of these people—living alone, barely holding on. You will find them and ease their suffering. You are a real human being. You have compassion and that is scarce these days. As you grow and individuate you will psychologically leave the narrow cruel life of the narcissist behind. You will continue to grow and re-create your life. I wish you my very best. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The narcissistic mother abuses her children by her presence alone. She is cold, disingenuous, hyper critical, emotionally unavailable, completely self absorbed and unempathic. Babies immediately know who their mother really is. Babies of narcissistic mothers internally know that their mother is incapable of loving them of caressing them of holding and bonding with them. They feel this deep inside although they are too young to speak or even think rationally because they are too young. As the child of the narcissistic mother grows, this woman has a stronger grip on her child. She has high expectations especially if you are the chosen golden child. She doesn’t care how you are feelings and thinking. She has plans for you. You must become a doctor, an attorney, a CEO–You must rise to the heights or you are a failure. She fuses with you psychologically. You cannot get away from her. Even when she is not present in the room you feel her tugging at you, criticizing you–forcing you to go in the direction she has chosen for you. Growing up with a narcissistic mother it is difficult to maintain your own thoughts and feelings. That’s how much she has taken over. She decides who your friends should be. She meddles in your life on every level.

The child who is discarded by the narcissistic mother is ignored and often scoffed at or even laughed at. He or she is compared with the golden child and always comes up wanting. “Why can’t you be bright like your brother.” “You are stupid and lazy. I have always known that about you.” You will always be a failure. You should be ashamed of yourself.” These psychological blows are unrelenting. These children are always suffering under the heel of the cruelty of the narcissistic mother.

The golden child is psychologically fused with the narcissistic mother and is revered and even considered as some kind of deity.

As you grow up you try to undo the shackles of the narcissistic mother. This is a very difficult thing to do. You are already enmeshed with her. You have a love/hate relationship with her. It’s not real love; it is an obligation and a kind of imprisonment.

These forms of psychological haunting can go on for generations until someone breaks the pattern. Will you be the one who will or has done this. There are daughters and sons of narcissistic others who have freed themselves from their bonds. They are leading their own lives on their terms. They have permanently disengaged from the cruel matriarch of their recurrent nightmares. Many of them have benefited from quality psychotherapy, healing modalities like gentle yoga, walking or sitting meditation, health enhancing exercise and good diet, etc.Take heart. You can change this horrific pattern. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“Paranoia is a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in an unfriendly and dangerous inner world..Inside, he is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

All narcissists are paranoid on some level. They look over their shoulders, fortify their ramparts, create traps to assure their psychological safety. They are highly secretive about this. They don’t want anyone to know their secrets.

Narcissists have never developed Basic Trust–which is the human capacity to feel internally protected and secure within yourself and to learn how to develop meaningful relationships with others.

Narcissists throughout their lives have psychologically, emotionally and financially crushed countless people, especially those closest to them—their spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children. There is a pervasive pattern of narcissistic abuse that involves the stealing of financial security by the narcissistic spouse. I have heard and read innumerable life stories of spouses who believed that they could obtain a fair divorce settlement only to discover that monetary assets had been hidden and then placed under the control of the narcissist. In a number of cases the injured spouse is not able to obtain legal representation because they have no funds. The narcissist hires a very savvy high powered attorney who prevails in the divorce court. Some of these malicious narcissists end up with custody of the children. They don’t give a damn about their children. This is a form of revenge for them and a way of maintaining their image of “good father.”

Despite their success professionally in the world, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself. This is tragic.

The tragedy continues with those who are victimized by the narcissist and their number is legion. Those are the individuals to whom I reach out. Learn to protect yourself from the pathological paranoid narcissist. Study the personality traits and recognize the red flags of the narcissistic personality. Trust your genuine self always to know the truth about the nature of these pathological individuals. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Growing up the daughter or son of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult roles in life. These non mothers cause both emotional and psychological abuse as well as maternal deprivation. These women can’t mother. They suffer from a severe personality disorder that is fixed and will likely never change. It is unfortunate that they become mothers in the first place. In some cases the father takes the role of both parents and the children bond with him and receive affection and love from this person. We only need one parent and often dad is the one. Some children are raised by a grandparent who takes on the mothering role.

Narcissistic mothers are very mean in different ways. Some of them completely ignore their children and treat them like servants, making them become little adults very early—learning how to cook, clean and fetch and carry anything mama wants and needs on the spot. These women often scream incessantly at their children and are not above cuffing them in the face when their low impulse control takes over. They are never sorry. They put on the perfect act in public and neighbors and friends often think they are wonderful mothers. Cruelties, maternal deprivation, deceitfulness, turning one child against another–you name it and they perpetrate these unspeakable deeds and emotional wounds upon their children. These psychological wounds linger in the mind and heart for children of narcissistic mothers. However, there are many who heal. They permanently break the tie literally and emotionally with their non-mother. Some of them find healing through excellent psychotherapy and learning to get out of the fight or flight mode through gentle hatha yoga and meditation and other healing modalities. Some of the most compassionate individuals I have known are children of narcissistic mothers. Always take good care of yourself, cherish your kindness and feel your heart open. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by lmlphd@th

There is a dance that narcissists and their partners perform over and over again. You have gone through the initial “falling in love or lust” period. You know that this is the “One” you want to spend your life with. There is no question in your mind. You have succumbed to him and can’t let go. He appears to adore you and is making all the right moves. But something goes very wrong in this deluded paradise. He starts his picking arguments, make cruel remarks, lashes out at you for no reason. You make excuses and say to yourself that he is under too much pressure. You try harder and things go smoothly for a while. Then it starts up again—the demands, screaming fits, accusations out of nowhere, humiliations in front of your friends. You are confused and very hurt. Now you know that this is not going to work. Then there is a rapprochement—a deep understanding ( from your perspective) He is sorry. He makes promises to be different. He realizes he has been wrong and wants you back. He may even weep convulsively. You believe him and take him back. You find out he has been lying to you and leads more than one life. He compartmentalizes his life. Maybe he isn’t even divorced yet. You find out and are shocked and highly distressed. You can’t sleep at night and have trouble working ——-but again he comes back and snares you again. Do you want to continue to live like this???? Is it worth it to be going up and down on this out of control teeter totter?

Think about it carefully. He is a narcissistic personality. He is not going to change–ever! Why should he. Perfection is his middle name and he can easily replace you. That’s what narcissists do. You can retrieve back your life by researching the narcissistic personality and by going no contact with this Janus faced scoundrel. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com
Posted by lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

Maternal psychological attachment is the secure, loving bond that the mother forms with her baby. This provides the child with a feeling of safety and predictability. Mother becomes the child’s psychological home base. Narcissistic mothers do not bond with their children. They are incapable of forming a genuine relationship. Their focus is on themselves. They may go through the motions but their feelings are not invested in their infant. In some instances if the narcissistic mother has chosen a particular child to use as a narcissistic supply then she will become a puppet in the mother’s hands.

Daughters of narcissists talk and write about how coldly and dismissively they were treated as children and adults. Mother was the Queen Bee; she always came first. She had no way of attuning to the needs of her child. Being a mother was an encumbrance to her, a burden. Some narcissistic mothers are so cruel and vain that they were sorry they ever had children who kept their figure from remaining perfect or took time away from their personal enjoyments, trips, shopping, professional advancement.

As a result daughters of narcissistic mothers have not bonded with their mothers. Some of them find that their father is the one to whom they can attach. Others look to siblings who serve in the maternal role. Others have no one and simply grow up psychologically on their own. They may have every material advantage in the world but they don’t have a real mother.

Lack of maternal attachment can cause problems with daughters later on in their intimate relationships. They tend to pick men who are not protective of them, who are unstable and abusive. They don’t feel worthy of being in a relationship with someone who is capable of loving them.

There are daughters of narcissistic mothers who are capable of attaching to others and forming deep relationships. This is often possible through the hard work they have done with themselves and through excellent psychotherapy. Part of the healing here is in recognizing that your mother was incapable of psychological attachment, that this was not a reflection of your worthiness or value as an individual and that you are highly capable of loving other human beings deeply. You are not your narcissistic mother. You are yourself–a unique wonderful human being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Covert Narcissists convincingly play the part of the victim. Some of them become the “martyr” as an ultimate way of controlling others– especially their spouses. How can someone raise their voice to a person is hurting so much. CNs move back and forth in this role depending on how well it is working for them. In effect they blame their spouse for the very cruelties that they have perpetrated. A CN can be screaming ugly epithets at you one moment and convincingly asking you showing that they have been severely emotionally hurt by you the next moment. This is particularly the case when they are under a lot of pressure, when you have decided to divorce them and are moving for a settlement. They play the victim role to the hilt. They tell family members, your friends, everyone in reach how badly you have treated them, about your monstrous cruelties, your insensitivity and lack of empathy, your emotional coldness. This martyr role is convincing on a lot of people in your social circle. They are playing the victimized good guy who has been emotionally harmed by you. When a divorce is in process, this ploy can be very effective. Do not be surprised at the lengths the CN will go to convincing others that you are the villain because you are breaking up the family.

In some cases the spouses stops in her tracks and decides to make a try a couples therapy and fight to get the marriage on track. That’s how powerful their method acting can be. Never be fooled. This is a narcissistic personality who is playing one of his best cards–the good guy, great husband and ultimate martyr. You know differently. You remember the horrible cruelties visited on you by this toxic narcissist. You have lived behind closed doors with this person and been the victim of his manipulations, accusations, criticisms and exploitations. Hold on to the truth. Do not be swayed. You are entitled to lead your own life and be free of your covert narcissistic spouse. Remember that this personality disorder does not change. Some divorcing spouses benefit from high quality psychotherapy. De your research and choose the right therapist for you. Begin to think about yourself first. Leave the CN with his worn out act behind.

Lead the life that you deserve.Now you are free to think you own thoughts, have your feelings and use all of your creative gifts. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When the narcissistic spouse realizes that he is going to have to divide up the assets, he is in a fury and will find every way to take revenge. One horrendous plan is to seek custody of the children and continue a battle and series of skirmishes that can go on for over a decade. I have seen this happen. If he has the money and assets on his side he is well lawyered up. Be prepared for this battle beforehand. Choose the best attorney you possibly can. Make sure that this person understands the narcissistic personality. Your soon to be ex-husband doesn’t give a damn about the children. They have always been part of his image or narcissistic supply. Now—he rides in on a white horse and decides that he is “perfect dad.” He convinces some of your friends that this is the case and bad mouths with despicable lies. Those who believe his lies should not be a part of your life. Create a support system you can trust and count on. Don’t be intimidated. Learn as much as you can about the narcissistic personality—This is power! You will rise to the occasion. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“The narcissist is a master at extracting the pulp and juice of others-their time, talent, creative ideas, energies-to serve his purpose alone…All relationships with narcissistic individuals are exploitive…” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life).

The narcissist’s charm, the way he zeros in on you, appears to read your mind and knows exactly what you want and need is truly remarkable. Narcissists are gifted at the chase. Once they decide they want you in their lives it is very difficult to say “no”. You have no idea what will happen to you down the road because you have been hypnotized by his charm, his focus on you, the way he makes you feel.

There is the real narcissist beneath the irresistible facade–the highly developed false self. Eventually if you stay with a narcissist long enough—-marry one, have children with them–you will encounter the dark side just beneath the surface. Here there is seething rage, criticisms that cut to the bone, demands that can never be met, humiliations that no one should ever endure, threats to take away your children and to ruin you financially. Yes, that is what is waiting beneath the seductive smile that promises you everything.

(This post refers to male and female narcissists).

Ultimately, staying with a narcissistic spouse means that you are eclipsing your life. Some spouses make this agreement and decide that they have gone down this road so far that they cannot turn back. The lifestyle is what attracts and sustains them. However, they become psychological prisoners of the narcissistic spouse.

Your life is not your own even if you are able to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. He is always on your mind. There is no real solitude or peace. You deserve to lead your own life despite your marriage or partnership. One road to your freedom is to study the narcissistic personality in-depth. This will reveal a very different story and wake you up. You are entitled to use all of your creative gifts, to expand you individuality not contract to fit someone else’s vision. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When a very handsome man or woman walks into a room, heads still turn. Image matters too much. But it is palpable and effects our psychophysiological reactions. If this person is a narcissist the magnetic pull is so great that we keep looking at this person, hoping we will be chosen. In addition if he is highly successful with full command of himself, we are drawn with an increasing pull. This is all part of being human. Beauty and extraordinary handsomeness pull us strongly. Don’t be surprised when you r–aleact this way. Don’t blame yourself. But learn how to identify who this person really is—Could he be a narcissistic personality. I know of individuals who have been drawn into relationships with narcissists too many times to count. They have suffered immeasurably but they continue their cycle of pain.

Each narcissist has his own style–a label, a patina, an imprint. The grandiose very successful narcissist is extroverted, fully confident. He knows how you are reacting to him and continues his penetrating looks at you. He verbally and nonverbally tells you he wants you. He makes promises that you believe. He casts his spell and you feel drawn in as if you are in a light trance or slightly tipsy. It is so easy to leave that part of you that cautions: “No” “Wait” until you know this person better. Be aware of how you react to these individuals and become savvy about your vulnerabilities. Learn to step back, do your research on the classic narcissist.

The narcissistic personality has become ubiquitous in our current society—almost the norm in some circles. Beneath it all the narcissist is a sham, a fraud, a false self. You are genuine and have real feelings. The narcissist is a fine actor that knows how to imitate feelings. The only feelings he has are those of his perfection, superiority and extreme self entitlement. The time always comes when the narcissist shows his shadow side, that part of him that is filled with volcanic rage, tells as easily as he breathes, demeans and humiliate others (that will eventually include you) and takes everything for himself and without conscience, never looks back.

Become very familiar with this personality. It is worth all of the research. You will avoid a lot of emotional and psychological pain. Learn to appreciate who you are—your empathy, creative gifts, your kindness and tenderness, the long road you have travelled to seek the truth. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com