Category: Narcissistic Personality

Embracing Treachery–Married to Narcissistic Sociopath

Treachery causes an annihilation of the self. Its natural course is psychological danger to you, betrayal and deceit. When you live and are married to a narcissistic sociopath, treachery shadows you day and night. You are never safely alone with your private thoughts and feelings. The treachery of the NS creeps cunningly into your dreams that often reoccur, warning you to get away, get out, save yourself. But you cannot listen because you are ensnared by the sociopath’s seductive ways–his promises, his rewards for “good behavior”–meaning that you do exactly what he expects of you, even if this goes against your personal principles and values. Many women are psychologically fused with socialized psychopaths and find them addictive. They flee from their lover or marital partner, only to return again and again. Each time they are a little weaker psychologically and less aware that the price they pay is with their lives–the dilution of their emotional energy, creative gifts, core sense of self, the initiative to follow their professional and personal dreams and to experience an abiding inner peace.

When you are twined with NS your life is in his hands, your thoughts are his thoughts, your heart belongs to him not yourself. He screams at you when he is projecting his noxious venom into your face. He humiliates you emotionally and psychologically when he is enraged. He gets a thrill out of hurting you as you cower and beg forgiveness for what he has done to you. The cycle of destruction is endless until women married or tethered to these men wake up and recognize that their mate suffers from a severe pernicious personality disorder that will not change. The experience with the NS leads you to the lowest depths of your being.

It is when we are at a very low ebb that the urgency of “Waking Up” becomes strong and persistent. The voice of intuition speaks clearly: now is the time to sever the non relationship with this man/woman.  You are a strong independent, capable and gifted human being.Leave this regressive, pathological non relationship. Get back in touch with your real self—-the person you were meant to be.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

You Cannot Communicate with A Narcissist

The narcissistic personality lives in a delusional world of his creation. Although he/she gives fine speeches and is highly articulate in his profession, he is incapable of the give and take of true communication. I am talking of a meeting of minds. The narcissist is of one mind—his. That is all that exists at the center of his universe. You share his reflected light only if you can provide him with major narcissistic supplies–becoming an adoring spouse who acts as his servant, provide him with sources of power and paths to wealth, introduce him to influential movers and shakers. If you are in his life and cannot fit his bill, especially if you are a spouse or child, you will be treated with disrespect, dismissiveness, constant ridicule, searing criticism, verbal assaults, mental gaslighting and psychological sabotage.

The current narcissistic society gives these individuals a large pass, especially if they are successful academically and professionally and are highly confident. Recently I had an encounter with a narcissistic fellow. I had spoken to him previously and suspected that he was a narcissist. Every word that he uttered was about him. He bragged incessantly about his entry into a medical residency. I made an effort to engage him in a conversation but it was impossible. At one point I mentioned a renowned surgeon who was in his field of study and he didn’t make a verbal or nonverbal reply. It appeared that he was unable to hear anything that I was saying except the sound of his own voice. He flashed a pasted smile with pearly teeth every time he spoke about his grandiose ambitions. He was obsessed with his perfect false self. I talked about a person whom I knew that had a medical problem in his prospective specialty. He was uncommunicative and disinterested.  I watched him puff himself up like a peacock as he spoke about his future. When he did mention others there was a sharp disdain in his voice and nonverbal demeaning gestures signaling his superiority.

I left the Prince’s throne room and went outside into the night and gazed at the twinkling stars —so beautiful, magnificent and real.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth.You will learn how to recognize them much sooner. Trust your intuition as well. It always speaks the truth. Work on your own self entitlement, clear boundaries and demand self respect. You are a person of many gifts and have unique value. You are empathic and each person you meet is fortunate that you have passed their way. Stay on the road less traveled, the one that leads to higher consciousness and inner peace.

 

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Narcissistic Mother-in-Law Breaks Up Marriages

There are countless victims of psychological abuse perpetrated by the narcissistic mother-in-law. She is the controlling matriarch. One classic situation is the triangulation of the narcissistic mother, her son and his wife. In the beginning she pretends to care deeply about the new member of the family. The NMIL praises her son’s choice of a partner and skillfully pretends that she wants the marriage go to be successful. But this can never be the case with a narcissist in any family role.

The narcissistic matriarch spreads lies about her daughter-in-law, beginning with subtle digs and innuendos about her character and family background. These lies are dropped like pedals on a lawn–meant to be barely noticed. In secret she goes to her son and slowly and skillfully drops poisonous bits of gossip about his wife. She puts doubts in his mind about her. At the same time the narcissistic mother is intimating that his ultimate loyalty belongs with her where it has always been. The wife becomes slowly aware that she is not welcome in this family. She feels a coldness and is ostracized by the narcissistic mother’s inner family circle. She turns to her husband who feels conflicted between loyalty to his mother and love and duty to his wife.

After years of hurt feelings, attempts at bending to the will of this impossible woman, being on the receiving end of insults and false accusations, the daughter-in-law is forced to make a fateful decision. She can stay in the painful triangle, make further attempts to break her husband’s pathological attachment to his mother or she will leave the marriage. These are difficult choices, especially if there is a strong pathological fusion between mother and son. These ties that bind are made of steel and cannot be unraveled.

There are successful outcomes that involve the wife freeing herself by separating and divorcing her spouse. This is a difficult path but can be accomplished, especially if you have the best support system around you. Not only that, but looking for reputable local divorce lawyers in your area who can help you to navigate the hardships of divorce is something that should be considered when it comes to leaving your marriage. It is better to be true to yourself than to struggle under the yoke of a woman who is out to destroy your individuality and peace of mind.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Keep You in Fight or Flight Mode

Male or female spouses of narcissists are under constant stress They don’t recognize the beating their nervous systems are taking. The pressure to have a perfect image that the narcissistic spouse puts on his partner is extreme. If one hair is out of place or a few extra pounds have accumulated there will be disgust on. The face of the narcissist. Often a tirade will follow–an out of control screaming bot of long duration,pointing out all of your mistakes,character deficits and your lack of intelligence—more plainly,calling you stupid and worth. The narcissist can pivot quickly and become charming and giving as if the previous dressing down never took place. You start to relax and let down You say to yourself. “Maybe this person loves me. I must be more tolerant and giving.”

Soon the mood switches and we experience the horrid dark side of the narcissist ,raging again. As long as you are married or involved closely with a narcissist you will be in survival mode.

Many spouses reach a point of no return,recognizing that they are hurting themselves by staying with the NPD. They make a plan and sever the relationship even if it means very hard work  Once they are freed up they embrace life with their own perspective. They answer to themselves and thrive using many creative gifts left in storage. They discover that there are individuals who appreciate their authenticity

Their lives are re-ignited with hope and new life visions.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Healing from Narcissistic Spouse–Resurrect Your Life

If you are married to a narcissistic spouse this person has stolen too much of your life. The hours, days, months, years and decades add up quickly and the psychological and emotional pain of living with one of these impossible, psychopathological individuals takes its toll on you.

The narcissist is free and easy. Without a conscience, obsessed with self, the narcissist moves from one narcissistic supply to the other like a frenzied honey bee. (Honey bees are magnificent; they create one of nature’s greatest gifts–honey. )

Once you have broken free from the narcissist spouse and resumed regular breathing, the doors of your life open. Take time to rest and appreciate what you have accomplished. It is a great victory to leave the notorious narcissist behind. Don’t wait for an avenging angel to bring you justice.

Use the new more peaceful moments of your life to rebuild yourself on every level: physical strength, professional growth, rediscovery and use of your creative gifts, spending time alone to experience uninterrupted peace. Take time for yourself each day to quiet your mind whether this is formal meditation, prayer, reading poetry, journaling, listening to inspiring and calming music and any other activity that you choose. You are making decisions based on your needs and wants not on the demands of the narcissistic spouse.

Bring beauty into your life. Spend time with Nature—the great healer. Grow flowers and watch them bloom. Listen to the bees, the birds, the winds that blow across your face. Let Nature speak to you. Listen to your intuition. It is always present with us. Don’t override its messages.

If you have friends that have been left behind during the trials of marriage to a narcissist, reacquaint yourself with them–the keepers who are loyal and care deeply about you.

Practice self care. Eat and sleep well.  Exercise in the ways that you find pleasant. Make an effort to be consistent. As the days move forward, be patient with yourself. Healing does not move in a straight line. It is a complex process. We reach plateaus and feel like we are going nowhere. That is not true. Healing is catching up with itself.

Be spontaneous–laugh, sing, dance and be silly with a friend. Feel yourself lifted, lighter and freer.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Have Short Affection Spans

Narcissists love the ones’ they’re with. This can mean having several  romantic “relationships” at one time. Narcissists are restless beings–peripatetic–always off to the next thrill, excitement, big win, victory dance, grand party. They are thrill seekers in the human arena even if that means that they are dissembling your life.They are incapable of caring deeply; they cannot love. This is a central piece of them that is missing. A dark hole has invaded their heart and will remain there for the rest of their lives. Regardless of their professional accomplishments, the esteem in which others hold them, their financial thrust, they cannot be human. They are incapable of empathy of any kind. They are masters of pseudo empathy like fine method actors.

Once you identify the man or woman in your life as a narcissistic personality, know that this person is not going to change despite all of the over the top promises, intimidations, cajolings, gifts, guises and dramatic performances.

It is up to you to make a decision for your life. That’s what matters. You have the knowledge, strength and wisdom to unyoke yourself from the narcissist. You have many brothers and sisters in spirit who are waiting to hear and see your victory dance.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Psychologically Controlling and Invasive Narcissistic Mothers

There is a specific kind of narcissistic mother who appears to be devoted to her daughter. She pays attention to her when others are watching. She makes sure that her daughter is dressed beautifully and has a perfect room. The narcissistic mother puts her daughter on display for everyone to see. She talks endlessly about how special her little darling is to her friends and relatives. There are many photographs of mother and daughter displayed.  Anyone who didn’t know the secrets of this mother/daughter relationship would never guess what is going on.  These narcissistic mothers use their daughters to burnish their own images of themselves. Playing the role of loving mother means that they can be professionally successful and an extraordinary mother at the same time. From the beginning mother decides what her daughter wants and needs. She is incapable of attuning to the nonverbal and verbal messages that her daughter is communicating.This daughter is like her perfect experiment. She is in complete charge despite the many signs that indicate that this little one is in distress, feels uncomfortable, frightened, etc.

These narcissistic mothers are highly controlling and invasive. As the daughter grows, mother doesn’t allow her to have any privacy. She is always intruding on her child’s private times to be alone, think her own thoughts and express her feelings. This is not allowed, especially since narcissistic mothers don’t have access to their own interior world. They are incapable of empathy–the capacity of understanding how the other person is feeling from her point of view not yours. The mother decides how her daughter should react and is highly critical when she doesn’t behave or respond  according to mother’s expectations.

Narcissistic mothers are invasive to the point of reading their child’s dairies and journals, listening in on their private conversations and trying to control their thinking. If the daughter of the narcissist tends is an an independent, creative thinker, she is ridiculed and sharply criticized. She is often called stupid and naive when she makes attempts to share her original ideas.  Mother mocks her, even laughs at her child.

The core issue is that daughters of narcissistic mothers are not allowed to be their authentic selves. These mothers are often envious of their daughters who in many cases are more intellectually curious, creative and  lively than their tightly wound mothers.

As the daughter grows, the narcissistic mother does not change. Some daughters live in the home only as long as they must and then find ways to leave this psychological  prison created by their narcissistic non-mothers. Other daughters wear themselves out trying to please their narcissistic mothers, wanting the love that this mother is incapable of giving.

Those who recognize that their mothers are narcissists and cannot change, often make the leap forward to separate from the cruel unbending yoke to which they have been attached for so long. They step out on their own, find ways to support themselves and finish their schooling. If they are fortunate, they find female mentors who act as surrogate mothers to them. This is part of their healing process. Having separated psychologically and physically from the controlling and invasive narcissistic mother is an enormous achievement. This is a process of many steps forward and at times, movements backwards but the goal seen ahead is one of ever-deepening belief in one’s original self, an independence of mind, the full use of one’s creative gifts and the knowing that you are a loving human being,: unique and wonderful.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Women Making Mincemeat of Their Paramours

There are narcissistic women who are particularly skilled at finding male paramours whom they can completely control. They have no limitations to their wants and needs. The illicit lover is the best catch. After all, he is married and tied up in a legal bond (until he breaks it) This provides this narcissistic conniver with plenty of time for adventures with other men. Narcissistic women of this ilk make sure that they have a spare man or two around just in case the current affair gets too bumpy or even goes off the tracks. The partner is in an altered adoring state over his beloved. What this fellow doesn’t know is that he is being taken for a wild ride.These she-devils are takers only. They love bling, expensive clothes, ongoing spa treatments, and jewelry that is heavy on the fingers. NW acquire cold cash, investments even property that have been spirited away by the love to make his gal happy and beaming.

For men uninitiated in these practices, be sure to learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth. You don’t want to get yourself into this psychological, emotional and financial quicksand. Don’t wait ’til you are up to your neck and being pulled under. Narcissistic women of this kind are plotters and planners. They know exactly what they are doing. They use their beauty and sex to play every man that suits their fancy. Their lists of broken male hearts are exceedingly long. Watch for the NPD characteristics: complete lack of empathy, chronic lying (hard to detect but use your intuition and you will identify it), constant manipulations, empty promises, duplicity, exploitation and outbursts of volcanic rage. When the first red flags are waving in the wind about this gorgeous woman, pay close attention—-She is a narcissistic personality disorder who is not going to change. Why should she? She is perfect. You have the flaws. She is wonderful and will replace you with someone else.

Above all, take care of yourself. When you feel that intense chemistry coming from a NPD , take a flyer. It’s worth getting away. These dramas have very unhappy endings for the male paramour.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

You are Wiser than Narcissistic Spouse–Sever the Cord

Narcissists are clever at attempting to make us doubt our inner wisdom. They intimidate and tempt us at the same time. Those with narcissists are in a state of chronic apprehension. “What will he/she do next?” “What have I done wrong?” “Am I as stupid as he/she keeps telling me?”On the other side of the coin are what the narcissist brings to the table and offers us. For some there are financial benefits and lifestyle perks connected with being the spouse of a narcissist. He has no ambition limits (nor does the narcissistic  woman) . He knows exactly how to climb, with whom to become indispensable and whom he must get rid of that blocks his ruthless path.  The narcissist throws anyone overboard to attain his grandiose ambitions, including his so-called friends. These can be individuals whom he has known for years. He has no loyalty to anyone, including you.

Always remember, you are wiser than your narcissistic spouse. You will see many red flags and ignore a lot of them. You will hear the clear voice of intuition, telling you the truth about your narcissistic spouse. Pay attention to what you hear. It is telling you the truth. Don’t allow yourself to be pulled back in with his/her seductive offerings. They are designed to make you more dependent on him and to keep you from achieving your full personal and professional potential.

Once you know who this man/woman really is, create a step by step plan to extricate yourself from the relationship. Cut the cord. If you wait too long, you will become more entangled in his lies, insidious psychological traps and mind bending.

Acknowledge and own your wisdom. This is the key along with your intuition—the ace that you have been hiding at the bottom of your deck. Use it now and for the rest of your life. The more that you activate these gifts the more powerful they become. The narcissist is a weak coward, a false grandiose self, “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”  Develop a practice of stilling the mind. This can take any form that works for you. Make an effort each day. If you miss a day or weeks, return to your practice. This can be formal meditation, sitting and walking, writing each day spontaneously, working with plants in a garden or small space, sketching, painting, walking in a quiet place, doing gentle yoga movements with emphasis on breathing through the nose which calms the nervous system.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Sons of Narcissistic Mothers Despise Them

Narcissistic mothers often have an iron hold on their sons. These mothers appear to adore their sons over their daughters an shower them with all of the attention and adulation. There are sons of narcissistic mothers who become narcissists and the two of them are fused in a highly pathological and destructive psychological duo.

Those sons who are not narcissistic have a rough time of it. They feel their mother’s narcissistic claws  at the ready to get a hold of them and not let go until she possesses them. Narcissists believe that everything belongs to them, including their children,with whom they can fuse, neglect or discard. The narcissistic mother demands her son’s attention. She cannot be attuned to her child but rather is bent on molding him into what she believes is another replica of her perfect self. These sons are both intimidated  and feel deep hatred of a so-called mother who blocks their way toward psychological independence, the fulfillment and promise of their masculinity and the use of the potential and appreciation of their individuality. Some sons feel obligated to the narcissistic mother and spend much of their lives trying to please these impossible creatures. This interrupts the natural growth of the child and young adult. Often the father in these families is psychologically weak and emasculated. That is why the narcissistic mother has chosen him—someone whom she can fully control, manipulate and deceive.

Men psychologically possessed by their narcissistic mothers have difficulty with emotional intimacies.  Unconsciously, they belong to mother. How can they  give themselves to a partner when they cannot be separate from her. There are sons who make the break from their narcissistic mothers. It can be a tough battle. The NM infuses guilt. She is a drama queen, insisting on her way despite the psychological damage that is incurred by her son. Some sons remain pleasers and feel guilty if they don’t fulfill their mother’s wishes. Inside they are torn between deep feelings of obligation and enraged that they are still umbilically tied to their NM.

Those who achieve the separation are freed to feel and express their uniqueness, to use their individual potential in every way, to be creative, to activate their spontaneity.  Some sons of NMs benefit from excellent psychotherapy. When choosing a therapist, interview until you find the one that is best for you. This professional must be capable of attuning himself/herself to you, have well developed empathy besides a solid academic and clinical background. Make sure that the therapist does not have a money motive and is not a narcissist. This can and does happen. Some of the “most qualified ” psychotherapists, psychiatrists, counselors, etc. are narcissistic personality disorders. Stay away from them; they can be very charming and convincing.

There are many avenues to healing. Learn to calm your nervous systems through methods that work best for you–gentle hatha yoga with emphasis of breathing through the nose, a form of meditation or inner quiet that you can do regularly, spending time with people who appreciate you and are excellent listeners.

Some sons of NMs make a decision to go no contact with their mothers to stop the constant interference, blowups, accusations, recriminations, etc. This is your judgment call.

Above all, respect yourself. You are evolving and growing each moment. You are becoming free.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.