Narcissistic Personality - The Narcissist In Your Life

Aggressive Overt High Level Narcissists – Psychologically Dangerous to Their Spouses and Children

Are you or have you been at the mercy of an individual who constantly screams, demeans, humiliates, brags and shames you. Likely, you are dealing with an aggressive overt high level narcissist. They can be described as an obsessive maelstrom of activity. Maelstrom refers to violent turmoil. The literal meaning is “a powerful whirlpool in the sea or a river.”

These cruel, highly charged individuals are self obsessed, without conscience; predatory without psychological boundaries— corrosive characters who do not change. Their entire focus is on Winning no matter the consequences to others—spouses, ex-spouses, partners, children.

Each day you are existing in the fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system—your adrenaline rushes through, your cortisol runs high, especially when you are trying to sleep. Night time with one of these predatory personalities can means the worst. You feel so vulnerable in the darkness; you wait to see if this horrid person will purposely confront you, scream, accuse, make menace with you. You lie there, keeping one eye open, waiting for the next sound, movement, sensation. For many of you this is a reprise of the childhood trauma that has haunted you for decades. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, you never felt safe; you couldn’t let down. There was neither privacy nor calmness; no possibility of solitude or a quieting of your nervous system to parasympathetic mode.

There is a long debate about whether aggression of temperament is inborn or learned, nature or nurture. A recent study by the University of Montreal indicates that some individuals are born more aggressive than others. This research indicates that “aggression isn’t only learned, but inborn; and one’s environment can worsen or improve this behavior as one ages.”

The following list of predatory behaviors on the part of the aggressive high level narcissist offer you a perspective and an appreciation of what you are experiencing:

Lack of respect for the needs of others

Grandiosity and extreme self entitlement

Winning for self at the expense of others

Humiliating you as a tool of control and submission

Infantile, regressive two year old temper tantrum behavior

Everything revolves around the high level narcissists: their needs and demands

After years of research and insights and the accumulation of excessive psychological and physical stress you make the decision to leave the high level narcissist and take back, renew, restore, transform your true authentic creative self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., LMFT

High Level Narcissists Double and Triple Down on Their Ever-Present Hubris

Hubris in man is ever-present, perhaps in prehistoric caves. Wherever there is pride there is hubris. The story of the angels cast into Hell for their hubris remains with us.

The word hubris comes from the ancient Greek meaning extreme pride and dangerous overconfidence.

Hubris is outrageous. Aristotle defined hubris as shaming the victim.

The high level narcissist gains pleasure from his hubristic acts. He or she is not called out on these dark deeds if they hold sway and power, if they are highly placed socially and economically.

Those who are married to or partnered with or children of hubristic high level narcissists are victims of their extreme psychopathology.

You spend years and decades married to one of these individuals go through a series of leaving them, returning and continuing the cycle to the increasing stress. psychophysiological imbalances, mood and anxiety disorders, chronic insomnia, re-traumatizaation from childhood.

When high level narcissists are shamelessly bad they will never admit they are wrong. All that matters is getting their way every time. When cornered they double and triple down on their lies, deceits, manipulations, exploitations and gain pleasure from dominating their spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings, business associates. Unlike you they have no shame—never di and never will. They are always right no matter their horrific misdeeds and betrayals.

They draw around them a golden circle of followers and hangers on who are loyal to them no matter what the isue. They feed off of the high level’s extreme pride, economic largesse and social power.

In the high level’s psychological mix is a lack of conscience, any bit of shame or of course no empath.

The high level narcissist has no reason to change. This is a fixed personality disorder.

When you awaken and decide that you must separate out from the high level narcissist, this is a great moment of insight and mental and psychological clarity.

With great perseverance, wisdom and resolve you recognize that you are entitled to move forward as a separate, unique individual who deserves the full use of all of your creative gifts, to develop relationships based on self respect and integrity. As you learn more about the true nature of the high level narcissist, you realize that you are moving into the parasympathetic pathways of restoration, healing, transformation and the full use of your unique creative gifts.

Linda Martinez- Lewi, Ph.D.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Quoting psychoanalyst Alice Miller about the dilemma of the child of a narcissistic mother: “The art of not experiencing feelings – A child can experience her feelings only when there is somebody there who accepts her fully, understands her and supports her. If tha person is missing, if the child must risk losing the mother’s love of her substitute in order to feel, then she will repress emotions.”

From her earliest days and months the daughter of the narcissistic mother experiences a cool dismissiveness. The little daughter feels the disdain, aloof distancing, disregard, disrespect emanating from this mother. The small child knew taht she could never let down and share her feelings with this mother. In her presence she felt edgy, scared, humiliated, emotionaly small and insignificant.

In the presence of family and friends mother took on a different look and manner. She was expansive, warm, attentive to these others who came for the expressions of her public performance. In fact mother was considered to be among the most sterling versions of an exemplary parent, so devoted and engaged with her child.

The narcissistic mother, self absorbed, exceedingly entitled, highly controlling manifests her true nature through a series of false selves that parade as genuine.

Different kinds of narcissistic mothers:

Mother Most Accomplished – nonstop talk about all of her achievements: schooling, extraordinary student, scholar and professional awards, described herself as outstanding in every way and in addition a super mom. Behind closed doors the horrendous presence of this parent from hell. Day and night berating, non stop criticism, humiliations were the worst.

Mother Most Regal – beautiful, obsessed with her looks and fine manners, her cultivation of culture and art, adored by her social circle, how envied for her grace.

And then you have Narcissistic Mother Most Holy – devoted mother, individual of spiritual qualities, especially her many kind deeds, how she is admired for her generosity, focuses on helping others. An individual of faith, talks about her strong conscience. The real story – This is a sham person and the true reality is that this mother is unholy, lacks a conscience, is a complete hypocrite, treats her children with cool, dismissiveness, criticized them for not measuring up morally and spiritually, always finds them wanting in character, accusing them of being frauds when in effect this mother most holy is a complete fake.

This child cannot be her true self since this is forbidden and signaled by the narcissistic mother as a negative vulnerability, a weakness, a lack of character. As a result this child cannot be authentic and must put on the facade that mother demands of her.

She is required to be rational, contained, measured, controlled especially in the way she expresses her emotions and opinions. The message of the narcissistic mother is: Be and do what I demand or I reject you completely. You’re flawed, imperfect and nothing that you do or say and feels is valid. I am the one in charge here. I am the puppeteer who controls and dictates what you think and feel and ultimately who you are.

As a result the original self in the child of the narcissistic mother must remain hidden, unspoken, pushed back into the recesses of the unconscious. There, long hidden these feelings do not disappear, rather they remain unexpressed and the subject of subterranean angst.

There is a time of awakening with your insights, research, intuitions and revelations of your narcissistic mother’s true nature. You move forward as a grounded, true self individual, fully entitled to your unique individuality integrity and your creative gifts.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Marriage to A High Level Narcissist Re-Activates Childhood Toxic Shame

Growing up in a highly pathological family you experienced a deep shaming of the self since you were a very small child. You remember the feeling, so intolerable that came over you when your narcissistic mother stared you down, pinched your tiny arm, screamed in her high pitched nasty voice that you were “worthless, despicable, a mistake of nature.” These moments are etched in every bodily system and each corner of your psyche. This shame has defined much of your identity as a person who has always felt like a fraud.

You wanted to hide and never return to this house. You made plans in your mind countless times. You conjured countless intricate plots: how you would leave, what time, how to go out unnoticed, what excuses to make that were believable. Even very little children are thinking of their escape plans only to realize that they are just to small to do this on their own. I remember one person who shared a memory at age three of looking down her street from a window, then following the plan in her mind only to realize that she was trapped and could not escape and was physically too little to manage her own rescue. With tears in her eyes she brought up this poignant memory.

Psychoanalyst Alice Miller identifies these children as Prisoners of Childhood. In a sense we are all captives of our parents. When we are very young we are vulnerable and at the mercy of our mother and father: their temperaments and dispositions, psychological and emotional stability, hidden and overt psychopathology. Children who grow up in these homes often feel deep shame about themselves.

Adult children of narcissists carry toxic shame into their marriages and partner ships especially if they are partnered with high level narcissistic personalities. High level narcissists are shameless and without conscience. Don’t be fooled by their charming personas, their dynamism, magnetic qualities.

It doesn’t take long to recognize that you are married to a chameleon who can switch to any persona he or she chooses. It doesn’t take long for the narcissist to show his shadow side, that part of him or her that is single mindedly determined to control and manipulate you at every turn.

When you don’t comply and show independent of thought and action you are criticized, humiliated and shamed. Narcissists are not insightful but they are cunning and can “read” your vulnerabilities. They instinctively know that one of your weaker points is your residue of shame that you carry. The high level uses this ruse to re-activate the feelings of insecurity and shame that you felt as a child. They gain power over you as did your parents by pressing these tender psychological buttons that cause you to weaken and capitulate to those negative feelings about yourself.

After a number of years you finally recognize that you can no longer continue along this pathway. You spend time doing research about the true nature of the high level narcissist, a personality disorder that is not inclined to change. You begin to appreciate who you are as an authentic true self that is entitled to pursue your independence, unique creative gifts, a sense of inner peace, the fulness of your individuality. You learn to take very good care of yourself and to establish relationships of respect, trust, an exchange of ideas and personal transformation. Accessing the parasympathetic nervous system through many avenues: basic yoga poses, diaphragmatic breathing, listening to beautiful music, getting the sleep and rest that you deserve, being with Nature, the great healer, nourishing food, good hydration, exercise that strengthens and gives you a sense of vitality and well being, building a spiritual practice the way that you define it.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Protect Yourself from Unrelenting Exhaustion Caused by Marriage to High Level Narcissist

Protect Yourself from Unrelenting Exhaustion Caused by Marriage to High Level Narcissist-

You can’t fall asleep at night; you are anxious, your mind is racing. You listen to your thoughts and wonder when you will get respite. Morning comes and you face exhaustion as if you had been up through the night. Exhaustion has a pain of its own, a feeling of weakness that can seem unending. Finally you face the day and wonder if your strength and stamina will ever return. It is very difficult for those who have not experienced this level of exhaustion to understand. This is way beyond tired or worn out.

Your gut is out of whack. You are distracted and miserable most of the time. On top of this is the dark presence, the horrific shadow side of the high level narcissist. What you know for sure is that eventually he or she will start screaming at you, picking you apart in a low voice filled with derision and mocking. One of his/favorites is humiliating you. Humiliation is one of the worst sensations we can experience. It is intolerable; we squirm inside, we become small and want to disappear, to become invisible. These cruelties visited on you by the high level are a regular feature, sometimes daily, wearing you thin, jangling your nervous system causing anxiety and panic, For some re-activating their childhood trauma as children in a narcissistic family.

You feel the old vulnerabilities, the childhood deprivation, the raw fear.

All of this is particularly alarming since your narcissistic partner/spouse doesn’t give a damn about you or you well being. In fact he is incensed that you are ill and pulling him down. You are bad for his image. Having a partner who is not “Up” all the time is very unappealing. The flawless narcissists despises your chronic exhaustion and uses every opportunity to both deride and abandon you.

Slowly at times very slowly you begin to sense that you are moving through the exhaustion, feeling the beginnings of strength. You do research and seek good professional help. With time and an inner resolve and connection with a few individuals whom you trust you know that in order to heal and restore your physical and psychological health you will need to move along your own recovery pathways that activate the restorative parasympathetic body/mind systems, daily self care: rest, sleep, excellent nutrition, hydration, Nature’s healing gifts, the use of your unique creative gifts, your form of spiritual practice: basic restorative yoga, stretching, gentle ancient movements of chi gong. Another phenomenal gift of healing: listening to beautiful music that moves inside with its beauty and the promise of renewal, strength and transformation, the fullness of your original true self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

You are distracted and miserable most of the time. On top of this is the dark presence, the horrific shadow side of the high level narcissist. What you know for sure is that eventually he or she will start screaming at you, picking you apart in a low voice filled with derision and mocking. One of his/favorites is humiliating you. Humiliation is one of the worst sensations we can experience. It is intolerable; we squirm inside, we become small and want to disappear, to become invisible. These cruelties visited on you by the high level are a regular feature, sometimes daily, wearing you thin, jangling your nervous system causing anxiety and panic, For some re-activating their childhood trauma as children in a narcissistic family.

You feel the old vulnerabilities, the childhood deprivation, the raw fear.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Leaving Your Narcissistic Parent Behind – Five Steps

Growing up as the child of a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficult and complex life histories a child can experience. The psychopathology of the narcissist is deep and daunting. As a baby and young child you were subjected to the full force of the narcissistic personality. Quoting from my book: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist offers a clear picture of this fixed, personality: Narcissistic personality disorders are characterized by extreme self-absorption, lack of empathy, ruthlessness, incapacity for emotional intimacy, volcanic rage, chronic lying, deceit and exploitation… The narcissist lacks a conscience; his sense of right and wrong is determined by how clever he is at not being exposed or punished for his unethical, immoral and illegal behavior.

The narcissist believes he/she is superior to others. He has an overriding sense of self-entitlement…For the narcissist, everyone is disposable; one person is interchangeable with another. .He has neither a memory nor one scintilla of concern about the victims of his psychological crimes…Beneath the elaborate mask of a grandiose false self, the narcissist unconsciously experiences a deep, intractable psychological emptiness.

Your restoration and healing begins with your deep research and study of the true nature of the narcissistic parent. Your understanding of the narcissistic personality provides you with psychological and emotional distance from this non parent.

You are taking the initiative to separate yourself from the narcissistic mother or father who was incapable of attachment, love, caring, warmth, empathy, protection or guidance. This is a foundational step for moving forward as a psychologically grounded individual.

Children of narcissistic parents grow up with blocked emotions. Their feelings were stifled because it was psychologically dangerous to express themselves. When we squelch ourselves we cannot be spontaneous. We are constantly putting the brakes on our self expression. Growing up as the child of a narcissist we are required to tow the line, to model our reactions to the tune and timing of this distorted, demanding, derisive personality. Being in one of these homes is like what psychoanalyst Alice Miller call a kind of prison. In her first book she named these children Prisoners of Childhood.

Now that you are in the process of awakening to yourself allow feelings to come through. When you feel laughter bubbling up let it blossom ; when tears form and fall from your eyes, let them flow. Spontaneous writing is a creative way of releasing feelings that are often hidden from the rational. Take a pen and pad or notebook and let yourself write whatever comes up without editing or judgment. This is an incredible tool of discovery and creative. Long hidden feelings, memories and thoughts come to consciousness and are expressed by you on the page. This is a part of the real you that has been hidden for a long time that is now being expressed in the most unique beautiful way.

3. Recognizing that the deprivations and psychological abuse projected on to you was not your fault. You were the innocent child the victim of the narcissistic parent’s cruel, wanton projections. The cruel words and criticisms that you at times still hear inside of your mind were manifestations of your narcissistic parent’s psychopathology and had nothing to do with your true essence. You were on the receiving end as an innocent child who was blameless. Take this truth inside and let it resonate deeply within you. Rest in knowing that you were an innocent, a precious child. Feel this deeply in yourself now.

Practice self care each day. Make it simple and do it your way. Get the rest and sleep that you need . If you have trouble sleeping and falling back to sleep, rest. Do not be judgmental when you have difficulty sleeping. Eat nourishing food, organic if possible. Hydrate well with pure water. Movement and exercise reduce stress, stretch our muscle and make us stronger with greater endurance. Spend time with Nature. Allow its beauty and mystery to captivate you in its magic. When we are engrossed in Nature in the moment we are healing and restoring ourselves.

5.Tap into your creativity each day. This takes as many forms as there are individuals. Think of all the ways you are creative: drawing, painting, sketching, sewing, cooking, baking, singing, dancing, chanting, gardening, all forms of writing, doing research on what fascinates, you, crocheting, knitting, sewing, quilting, photography, woodworking, ceramics, night dreaming, daydreaming, reveries.

And —Be Kind To Yourself!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissistic Golden Boy Attracted to Empaths

Recall when you were face to face with an individual who exuded a palpable charm, a kind of erotic force that was impossible to deny, an enchantment. You felt the pull, a kind of psychophysiological gravity that fixated you on this individual. Right off, you were carried away, ungrounded, happily adrift, unmoored.

I have created a composite of this elite golden boy from individuals who have been described to me from their victims, some I have met, others whom I recognize from biography and psychobiography. .

The golden one of many gifts –often handsome, articulate, at times brilliant, smooths his way through life having been born as a kind of nobility. From birth the golden boy knows that he is extra special, a prince. He is admired, even adored. In many cases the mother of this wunderkind is psychologically fused with her son. The narcissistic mother chooses the son as an ultimate narcissistic supply to fill her psychological emptiness. With a father who is psychologically dependent and timid acquiescence to the narcissistic spouse. This dynamic reminds me of the complex and highly charged relationship between world renowned architect Frank Lloyd Wright and his mother Anna Lloyd Jones. Before he was born Anna knew that her son would become a great builder, an architect.

Quoting from my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life: “From earliest childhood, she filled him with Celtic tales of a mythological hero named Taliesen who had supernatural powers. Wright chose to call two of his homes, Taliesen. This betrays the force of his mother’s early indoctrination since Taliesin is not only an actual historical personage but also a poet-savior, magician, spinner of riddles and supernatural being.” Wright was a classic overt narcissistic personality of great talent and vision, who disrupted, controlled, dissembled the personal and professional worlds of others with ruthless abandon.

Enter the Empath, that unique individual of great discernment, intuition and sensitivity. Empaths are often attracted to high level narcissists. Often introverted they are drawn to this individual of towering self confidence, indomitable energy, fearlessness combined with magnetic charm.

The high level narcissist is a clever taker; the empath a consummate giver. The empath makes the high level look like a very fine person. Besides the empath anticipates the high level’s needs and wishes and extends themselves without question.

Empaths often question themselves and find that they are wanting. If drawn into the narcissist’s enchanted circle the empath is loyal and tends to put up with the projections, criticisms, and humiliations that re being dished out. Empaths often blame themselves for what others have done to them. Loyal to a fault they continue to forgive the golden boy narcissist his multiple wrongdoings.

There is a point of awakening when the Empath has had more than enough of the high level’s brand of abuse and with research and inner wisdom, decides to move forward along the pathways of the original self and put the emphasis on self-care and creative and personal transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists Spew Their Vile Shadows on to Their Spouses and Children

High Level Narcissists Spew Their Vile Shadows on Their Spouses and Children

Quoting from my book: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist:

”Psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung introduced the archetype of the Shadow, that part of the psyche that…t is largely unconscious and dispossessed…Those who have no conscious acquaintance with their shadow, project forgotten, forbidden and disowned parts of themselves on to others in destructive ways.”

“Those who have no conscious acquaintance with their shadow, project psychologically disowned pars of themselves on to others. When kept out of conscious awareness, the shadow overruns the personality. Like the shadow of the moon in mid-day eclipses the sun, everything becomes dark. The disowned shadow takes retribution against the closed personality, revealing itself in highly destructive ways. The shadow elements that control an individual’s personality are a lethal poison that re projected on to those closest to him—spouses, children and other family members.”

“One way or another, the shadow seeps out, rushes from its hiding place and floods the personality.”

The high level narcissist, though charming, accomplished and charismatic, is psychologically shallow. For most it is the achievement of the perfect image and persona that supersedes the personality.

The high level uses a series of powerful defense mechanisms that keep him/her from searching for self-truth and insight. This is not their focus. They are driven to succeed in the world, they compete and win against others who would dare to compete with them. Their values are materialistic, have a surface veneer that shines brightly on the outside and hides the shallow empty horrors deep in their disturbed psyches.

Throughout their days, the high level uses the powerful defense of denial which allow him to create his own sense of reality. The high level is gifted at putting together a flawless package of privilege, luxury, surface beauty, indulgences beyond the imagination. A voluptuary to the core, the high level seeks unending multiple pleasures.

Deep inside the high level has concealed the dark, vile, aggressive parts of himself/herself that seethe with frustration, self-loathing, bottomless emptiness.

Spouses and children of the high level narcissist become recipients of the vomiting of this horrid, ugly brew.

These events become frequent upon the part of the high level narcissist who is blaise about his primitive multiple transgressions against those closest to him. At times he blames the victim for his horrific behavior. High levels don’t apologize for their outrageous behaviors

It is automatic for the high level for taking no blame since these individuals don’t develop a conscience. Of course they draw the line on deeds that will get them into trouble.

With research and intuitive wisdom you recognize that you can no longer share yourself with a loathsome being who is transforming himself often into a permanent terrifying vile version of Mister Hyde.

You are fully awake and aware. Now is your time for separating yourself away from this daily nightmare. You deserve to continue your process of evolutions as an individual who experiences solitude, inner peace, the gifts of your creativity, the company of those whom you can trust and who support and encourage your continued development as a person of insight, integrity and seeker of the truth. You are on your way. Give yourself special attribution for the journey you are taking on the pathway of the original self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Prevailing Over Malevolent High Level Narcissists

Prevailing Over the Malevolent High Level Narcissist

In a roiling sea of high level narcissists you are often in a state of anxiety, worry, self-doubt, uncertainty, confusion. This is not surprising since the high level narcissist is a very tricky, shape-shifting individual.

Infused with mesmerizing charm, gifts of seduction and persuasion it is very difficult not to become entranced with the high level. They possess a kind of magic presence that is drawn from one of their enchanting personas. Their eye contact is riveting, almost hypnotic. We feel their appraisal and moves toward us. They are stepping up their game. They make plans to catch us in their psychological butterfly nets.

The high level narcissist searches out those whom he wants to become part of his coterie, his golden circle, that place of honor that the high level bestows on special people in his intimate enclave. Of course the high level is loyal to no one but himself. After years of blind devotion and arduous work the narcissist will discard you without explanation or ceremony if he has found someone better to serve his outrageous demands and impossible standards. The narcissist is immune to the suffering that he causes others. even his spouses and children. His search for self- aggrandizement has no bounds. Above it all, the high level narcissist is ultimately an exploiter, usurping the talents, creative energies and sometimes the morality and decency of others. He is feverish miner of the human gold of his victims. His see and destroy missions are without conscience or boundaries.

Always exploitive and controlling, the high level narcissist plots and plans his moves toward you. Being selected by a narcissist to play a role in his/her life drama is considered a great compliments and achievement.

As you move through your awakening to the true nature of the high level narcissist, remember who you are–the exact opposite of these individuals.

You can and will prevail and recover and restore your true original self.

Be reminded of the gifts which are unique to you. You are strong, sensitive, kind, intelligent, empathic, resolute, of fine character, creative and holy within.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.