Category: Married to a Narcissist

Be Well Prepared for Divorcing a Narcissistic Spouse

One of the greatest challenges for many spouses of narcissistic men or women is the actual decision and follow through of divorcing them. The road to divorce is often long, winding and bumpy with many switchbacks, going back and forth in many directions. Some spouses separate a couple of times only to return to the narcissistic partner. When there are children involved the situation is more complex. It is true but difficult to acknowledge: Narcissists are not good parents. They are often called Disneyland parents—all fun, presents, anything goes. The narcissistic father or mother is known to suddenly become very attached to and involved with his children when he or she discovers that a divorce is imminent. The children represent for him/her the ultimate narcissistic supply. He shows them off proudly like the jewels in his crown. They are part of his life success, his great accomplishment. Some narcissists don’t give a damn about the divorce. They go through the motions and can’t wait to escape and find someone else who will adore them. From my experience this is the exception. If a narcissistic parent has avoided his children throughout the marriage it is not unusual for him/her to suddenly become obsessed with the role of super daddy or super mommy.

Before the divorce decision the narcissistic spouse may be loose about money—where it goes, how it is spent, etc. It’s all so easy. Why sweat the money—we can always make more. When the battle begins all of this changes. Suddenly he is watching every penny. He goes over the bank statements like a professional auditor. Narcissists under divorce duress can swing wildly in their thought processes, moods and plans. It causes a form of psychological whiplash to the victims. Those who have gone through this process know what I am talking about. Often they will say: “I thought I knew this person. Now he/she is someone I don’t recognize.”

Given these circumstances, be prepared for divorcing a narcissist as diligently as you can. Hence, it would be prudent to find attorneys from reputed law firms who can help with the situation. An attorney is an expert in divorce and family law. However, the lawyer (or attorney) does not have to understand the narcissistic personality in-depth. But he/she must be very savvy about their main character’s traits, tricks, tactics, and agendas. The temperament of the attorney is particularly important. Mainly, an attorney should be someone who is very tough, unflappable, fearless, and psychologically and emotionally well contained.

This individual is not afraid of the narcissist or anyone else who would provoke him/her. If you are the client who is educating the attorney about your soon to be ex-spouse, it’s time to hire someone else. Don’t pick an attorney who will gouge you financially. Yes, they are well paid if they are excellent. Make sure that this person is not going to take advantage of your vulnerability but will be your chief ally throughout the entire process. You want a true fighter, a long distance runner, someone who is not afraid to round the Horn of the legal process. When you interview the attorney pay close attention to the nonverbal communication. This individual must communicate clearly and have a pleasant manner. This attorney must be professionally committed to your success with your case.

Prepare personally by taking very good care of yourself. Give yourself some time alone to read, listen to music, write, paint, exercising that is calming and strengthening, etc. Spend time with close friends. If you are spiritually oriented, it is very important to get back on track with your meditation, prayers, sacred readings, etc. This will bring you a peace that the world cannot produce. Acknowledge and feel deep inside an appreciation for who you really are:genuine, unique, talented, creative, loving, a person of vision, empathy and integrity. Tune in to your intuition every step of the way. This is a great gift that you will use throughout this process. I have great faith in you and know that you will prevail in this process and in the renewal and transformation of your life.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Lifewill be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013

About to Marry a Second Narcissist? Remember What You Have Learned

Our hearts are drawn quickly and beat fiercely with someone who is irresistible. That often is the narcissistic man or woman these days. They have our numbers, are often very attractive and compelling. They give us so much attention in the beginning. The narcissist always wants something from us and it is not ultimately our welfare or peace of mind, or our creative, psychological or spiritual growth.

There is a strong human tendency to repeat patterns of behavior, especially those that are hurtful to us. Many children of narcissistic parents marry narcissists. Children have no choice of their parents. Many of them feel that they were to blame for their narcissistic parent’s disapproval and abuse of them. It is not unusual for them to step into a marriage to someone who has fooled them completely with a grandiose false self full of self confidence and who appears to care deeply about them.

If you have already gone through the hell of divorcing your narcissistic spouse some time ago and now you are suspecting that your intended man or woman is a narcissist, remember what you learned the first round about the characteristics of the NPD:

1. Narcissists are often attractive and very self confident. They are clever actors who convince others that they truly care about them.

2. Narcissists are consumed by their perfect image. If you notice that this person with whom you are thinking “marriage” is fixated on his/her external image over substance, that is a big red flag.

3. Does this individual over promise? Is he or she very grandiose and could possibly be delusional?

4. Is he or she the Golden Boy or Golden Girl in the family? Not all of these GBs and GGs are narcissists but many are. Watch the family dynamics and pay attention to the adoration of mom and/or dad.

5. Does your intended let it slip that he or she enjoys being ruthless with others and doesn’t value anyone who is not successful in the world?

6. Does this person lack true empathy? –the genuine capacity to put yourself emotionally and psychologically in another person’s place. Are they skilled at pseudo empathy?

7. How often are you catching him/her in lies? Narcissists are gifted liars. Lying for them is as automatic as breathing.

8. If he or she is too good to be true, pay close attention to your intuition. Be receptive to these precious messages. This gift is with us throughout our lives. The more we use intuition, the more powerful it becomes.

9. Narcissistic personalities are not inclined to change.After all they believe they are perfect and live in a delusion of their own making. Take a long look at the person with whom you are planning to share your life. Remember what you have suffered and endured with the last narcissistic spouse and in some cases the narcissistic parent. Know that you are wise and will make the right decision.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life will be published in a paperback edition on August 15, 2013


Surrounded by Narcissistic Family Members–Finding Your Way

I have had many communications with individuals who grew up encircled by narcissistic family members. Not just mom or dad or sister or brother but the whole bunch. Their life stories of survival under these circumstances are amazing. Many of these survivors didn’t realize until they were much older that their family suffered from this severe personality disorder. They remember being victimized and humiliated and treated like dirt but since they knew nothing else they thought it was normal and to be expected.

Some victims of narcissistic abuse become perfect pleasers. They can and do anticipate exactly what the narcissistic mom or dad wants. If there are narcissistic siblings, they become their servants out of fear and not knowing there are any alternatives than taking this lowly role.  In telling their stories the theme that emerges is that they were always wrong, at fault, criticized constantly and treated without respect or dignity. These children smell psychological danger. They are in a state of apprehension, always waiting for something very bad to happen to them. They  live day and night in a fight or flight mode. They are always on edge. Many become hyper vigilant–metaphorically or literally sleeping with one eye open each night–always on guard duty.

For many members of narcissistic families, it takes a while for the healing to begin. Some marry narcissistic spouses and repeat the destructive cycle that they experienced growing up. Fortunately, they recognize this ongoing destructive pattern of allowing others to control and define them and get off of the narcissistic merry go round that has made them dizzy and kept them from knowing and appreciating their original selves.

After divorcing a narcissist or finally recognizing that several family members are narcissists, there is a time of reckoning when the individual who has been holding the truth and suffered under this psychopathology for many years, begins to speak up for himself and recognize that he/she has value as a separate unique valuable individual.  No longer will he or she be defined by a narcissistic family or narcissistic spouse.

The way of healing and transformations for all of us is lifelong. Once you are on the pathway of discovering your real self, your creative gifts, your deep capacity to love, your invaluable sense of humor, the depths of your experience of beauty in Nature, writing, music, art–wherever you find your joy–keep going there. Hold yourself close and thank the little child inside who has been waiting all of this time for you to recognize, embrace and love him. Trust the great seer of your intuition to guide your journey. Wishing you deep peace and a vital sense of wholeness.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–Practicing Self Care and Self Love

Growing up as the daughter of a narcissistic mother you didn’t learn about self care or self love. It was not part of your emotional or psychological vocabulary from the beginning. You remember the constant anxiety and terror you felt with every step your NM took toward you. You recall her terrifying eyes as she stared you down. Some of these mothers use physical abuse as a way of indoctrinating their daughters; others use psychological verbal abuse, telling you from your first memories how ugly and stupid you were, that would never amount to anything, that mother would always win. Narcissistic mothers control by way of constant intimidation, criticisms and outrageous demands that cannot be fulfilled. Often these mothers have their spouses under their control.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have no respite. They are always in fight or flight mode–the sympathetic nervous system. They can never let down and relax because they don’t know when NM will begin one of her cruel offensives. These non-mothers often pick a golden child and demand that the other children follow suit. They can never measure up because the system is rigged in favor of the NM and the golden child.

After the battles of growing up the daughter of the narcissistic mother is left with many wounds. She has difficulty with her sense of a solid identity. She feels guilty because she didn’t meet her narcissistic mother’s expectations (which were impossible). There will come a time when you become aware that your mother had a serious psychological problem. It may reveal itself after you have married and divorced a narcissist and realized that you have repeated with him what had made your upbringing so painful and impossible–your dreadful NM.

Daughters of narcissistic mothers deserve to learn and practice Self Care and Self Love. This is a part of our true natures. You are entitled to experience a sense of deep inner peace, to use your imagination spontaneously, to appreciate the magic of music and dance, to be able to sleep with peace and a sense of security, to have full use of your unlimited creativity, to express your affection and love for others which brings great joy, to find a spiritual path if that is what you are seeking in your life.

Self care begins with thinking about how you want to lead your life. What is essential for you each day—Is it learning how to quiet your mind, to get exercise that keeps you physically and psychologically strong, to find friends that are truthseekers like you who support your new life, to seek knowledge that fascinates you, to write spontaneously what is in your inner self and comes through you naturally, to spend time outdoors and breathe in the air, listen to the birds, watch the movement of the winds and the playing of the skies around you and any other activities that you can imagine. A lot of people have found that making a zen space like their own home spa, has helped them to appreciate and care for themselves, with many home warranty companies like First American Home Warranty (check here) providing coverage for expensive equipment just in case it breaks. Part of your healing is learning to say “no” to people and events that you don’t further your growth. As you make the practice of self care an integral part of your life you will begin to appreciate yourself more and finally you will know Self Love. You will think of the little child that survived the narcissistic mother, of her bravery borne of great suffering, of how often she cried, of the incredible way that she saved her precious self. You are holding her tenderly now. She will always be with you but now she is secure and safe and happy in your arms. I am deeply moved by and love these special daughters.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Being Victim of Narcissistic Generational Abuse Stops with Me

I hear from many men and woman who have endured and survived horrendous narcissistic abuse from their Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Siblings, Narcissistic Spouses. A number of them report narcissistic cruelties, betrayals, abandonment, scapegoating, bullying that was pathologically repeated from one family generation to the next. They speak of mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. who perpetrated every manner of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. These victims can remember how they were treated as if it was yesterday. They speak about several generations of relatives who coldly participated in a variety of cruelties including psychological and physical abandonment, maternal deprivation, the imposition of sadistic punishments, making terrified servants out of their children, the engagement of horrific punishments that caused constant terror within the household. They described that they were servants in their own homes, bowing to the whims, needs and wishes of tyrannical narcissistic family members.

Those who rise up and say No More to narcissistic abuse are courageous individuals. Despite being surrounded by members of their own families who are endangering their psychological welfare, they make the decision not to side with these cold narcissistic family members who share only their DNA and completely lack any empathy for them. Those who free themselves of narcissistic generational abuse work hard to re-stabilize themselves, to recognize that they deserve to lead a life that belongs to them and that they are not dictated by the pathological whims, obsessions and parasitic needs of their narcissistic family members. Many benefit from excellent psychotherapy. There are many healing pathways including the practice of gentle yoga with the emphasis on the breath that calms that nervous system, learning to focus on their own self care, to create an exercise program that is tailored to their needs, recognizing that they deserve to experience deep inner peace, to use their unique creative gifts, to form healthy close bonds with others who love them. You have made a very important commitment. Your identity has changed forever, moving from victim of narcissistic abuse to leading your life in independence and freedom. You are a great example to all of us.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Seduction Cycle with Narcissistic Men

Before you find yourself romantically obsessed with another narcissistic man, think clearly and review the  pathological character traits of these irresistible charmers. Beneath the smile, the eyes that never stop glancing at you, that rivet you with their allure, the seductively clever talk that stirs all your senses— remind yourself that deep inside the narcissist is psychologically running on empty. His internal world is bleak and he is filled with self loathing. He is not capable forming true intimate reciprocal relationships.

The narcissist lives to fulfill his wishes and desires. If you fit his plan he might choose you to play a role in his life. Narcissists are incapable of loyalty so they are unable to make a genuine commitment to another human being. He is a chronic convincing liar who is so good at perfidy that he has many women believing him. That’s how fine a method actor he is.

Grandiose narcissists love to create drama and excitement. This keeps their egos inflated. Their extreme sense of self entitlement soars. They make promises to you and spin tales that are hypnotic.

This time you will not be ensnared because you are highly informed about the true nature of the narcissist and have learned from your previous emotionally painful life experiences. During this process, practice self care. By this I mean learn to respect yourself and your own sense of entitlement to be treated as a worthy person of integrity who deserves respect. Developing a routine that makes yor stronger physically (through a form of exercise that you enjoy) and psychologically grounded will help you immeasurably to see right through a narcissistic man who begins to make overtures to you. You will recognize the verbal and nonverbal signals that tell you that this fellow is trouble. Detach yourself from the external image and watch carefully. Expand your powers of observation and objectivity. You will be surprised at how accurately you make the appraisal that this man is a narcissistic personality disorder.  You will be able to say “No” to him with certainty and grace. Give yourself a lot of credit for changing this previous pattern of being taken in by these infantile, self absorbed men that do not and never will have one of the greatest human traits—Empathy. This is the jewel in the crown of character traits. You now know that it is worth aligning yourself with those who are capable of compassion, genuineness, warmth, humor and who and who recognize you as a unique individual with whom they want to share their true selves.

Linda Martinez-Lewi,,Ph.D.

Pathological Regressions of Narcissistic Spouse Pull You Down

When you are married to a narcissist you are subject to the whip lashing mood swings. One moment they are manically high on their grand new vision that will bring outlandish success. The next moment they are verbally striking you in the gut. Restless, ruthless, completely self absorbed, the narcissist is taking you along for the ride while you suit his needs. When you cease to inflate his enormous ego, serve him in every way that he demands and swallow his abuse, he will dispose of you and find others who will better fulfill your role.  No spouse is indispensable. Narcissists often choose a man or a woman as a partner because he/she has the right social/business connections, family background and large monetary and property assets.

The narcissistic spouse can be highly secretive.The narcissist is always in a state of psychological regression despite his professional or work achievements. Deep within he/she is very infantile. The narcissistic psychic structure is fixed and unchangeable. This individual is psychologically regressed at the developmental age of two or even younger. The psychic structure of the real self has been severely damaged and overwhelmed by a false self that creates the illusion of grandeur and superiority. Essential to the NPD is the external image that he assiduously crafts and maintains. As his spouse you are the victim of a highly regressed damaged real self full of rage and secret paranoia.  You continue  to be psychologically injured by your narcissistic spouse through non stop verbal battering, gaslighting, lies and deception.

How long do you deserve to be treated like this? How much more can you take? Is he/she making you feel physically ill? Are you waking up in the middle of the night with a pounding heart? With rage? With terror?

How long will you tolerate the horrific effects this treatment has on your nervous system, immune system, quality of life? It is time to say No to him/her–Yes to Yourself.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Start Healing Now from Narcissistic Ex-Spouse

Many of those who have suffered psychological and emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic spouse report that even after the divorce they still feel the deleterious effects of their mistreatment. It lingers with them. Some even wish for the “good days” when life with the narcissist was exciting. They remember the highs not the horrendous lows of those times. In some cases the recipient of narcissistic abuse has endured a chronic pattern of trauma and deprivation in childhood. This individual expects to be demeaned, criticized and humiliated. This is familiar, the norm. It is not unusual for a person who has been abused to move from one abuser to the next in an unending cycle. When you divorce a narcissist you have an opportunity to redefine yourself as a person who deserves to be treated with deep respect.  As you finish the formal process of divorce promise yourself that your healing has already begun. Going through a divorce from a narcissist is a great achievement in itself.

The growing self is always in a process of moving forward. You have suffered more than enough. You are entitled to feel differently about who you are and how you are treated.

You can begin by learning how to calm your body and mind. Taking yourself out of the day to day presence and toxic vibrations of the narcissist is an opening step. Learning how to quiet the mind with a form of meditation that works for you, performing simple yoga poses with emphasis on the breath, journaling your thoughts, feelings, inspirations, poems and insights allows you to let go and become uncensored to yourself. You have held yourself in check for so many years, turning yourself inside out to please the narcissist, you will be amazed at the power that you have to find a calmness and freedom that you have been waiting for.  Taking time regularly to immerse yourself in nature whether through gardening, hiking, watching and listening to the birds near you, sketching outside—is an enormous source of healing the body, mind, emotions and psyche.

Develop a solid healing relationship with yourself. For so long you have been overshadowed by the narcissist. He has stolen your light and eclipsed your creative ideas, your sense of optimism and hope, your life dreams. Vow that no one will ever do this to you again. You are the author of your own life. Seize your sense of self entitlement and deep inner peace. The time to re-start your life is now.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Love to Make You Feel Worthless

Narcissists are cunning, tricky and conniving. They must always be in control. When they are “on” and contact you, they always want something from you. They don’t give a damn about how you are feeling or your life struggles. They have decided they want something from you–your time, connections, money, influence—any advance they can and will take. In these circumstances they are playing their game to the max. Their tone and manner couldn’t be more charming. They compliment you in just the right manner that will pull on you emotionally. This is especially the case with an ex boyfriend/girlfriend, ex spouse. You ask yourself: “Why is this person coming back into my life now?” Your answer could be–because he has reconsidered his love for me. Watch out before you become engulfed by this play to your heart.

Narcissistic mothers and fathers and narcissistic siblings suddenly appear out of nowhere and make promises about coming back into your life. They are so clever with their words and their tone. “It’s been too long. Let’s spend some quality time together.” Those are the magic words to an adult child of a narcissistic parent that can bring them back into the psychological ambush and painful entanglement with this NPD. Remember, these personality disorders do not change. They believe they are perfect. Remember that they are predatory–always surveying their environments for narcissistic supplies. They calculate your kindness and come up with the answer: Bingo–They can play you once again, get what they want and then disappear, leaving you feeling abandoned, emotionally battered and confused. Don’t go down this road again. It is a painful acknowledgement to recognize clearly that your parent is narcissistic.

You are a unique individual, worthy of leading the life that you deserve. You are the author of your life story once you have severed the relationship with the narcissist. No one can own you, intimidate you, possess you. You are free to use all of your many gifts, to establish close relationships with others capable of compassion and kindness. Develop a strong pattern of self care–doing those activities that you love and that will make you strong on every level. Enjoy all of your many creative gifts, Learn how to laugh again. Trust you intuition. Seek the beauty and healing of Nature. You will find respite there. Rediscover your original previous self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Embracing Treachery–Married to Narcissistic Sociopath

Treachery causes an annihilation of the self. Its natural course is psychological danger to you, betrayal and deceit. When you live and are married to a narcissistic sociopath, treachery shadows you day and night. You are never safely alone with your private thoughts and feelings. The treachery of the NS creeps cunningly into your dreams that often reoccur, warning you to get away, get out, save yourself. But you cannot listen because you are ensnared by the sociopath’s seductive ways–his promises, his rewards for “good behavior”–meaning that you do exactly what he expects of you, even if this goes against your personal principles and values. Many women are psychologically fused with socialized psychopaths and find them addictive. They flee from their lover or marital partner, only to return again and again. Each time they are a little weaker psychologically and less aware that the price they pay is with their lives–the dilution of their emotional energy, creative gifts, core sense of self, the initiative to follow their professional and personal dreams and to experience an abiding inner peace.

When you are twined with NS your life is in his hands, your thoughts are his thoughts, your heart belongs to him not yourself. He screams at you when he is projecting his noxious venom into your face. He humiliates you emotionally and psychologically when he is enraged. He gets a thrill out of hurting you as you cower and beg forgiveness for what he has done to you. The cycle of destruction is endless until women married or tethered to these men wake up and recognize that their mate suffers from a severe pernicious personality disorder that will not change. The experience with the NS leads you to the lowest depths of your being.

It is when we are at a very low ebb that the urgency of “Waking Up” becomes strong and persistent. The voice of intuition speaks clearly: now is the time to sever the non relationship with this man/woman.  You are a strong independent, capable and gifted human being.Leave this regressive, pathological non relationship. Get back in touch with your real self—-the person you were meant to be.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.