Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

This is the second part of the post about narcissistic sisters and the extraordinary cruelties and treacheries they endure. Even as small children the narcissistic sister may even try to smother the little one. They hit, spit on, pinch her making sure they don’t leave any marks.

The meanness and deception starts very early. One scenario is that the narcissistic sister is the golden, chosen one picked by the mother to be her perfect child. She is mother’s echo. Mother worships her and molds her into a perfect replica of herself. Mother is so obsessed with this child that she puts no limits on her. She can perpetrate any physical or emotional cruelty on the other children without consequences. The father is psychologically dependent on the mother—He’s a baby in a grown up body.

The narcissistic matriarch tyrannically runs the entire family including in-laws, nieces, her own mother. Everyone is intimidated by her. She is masterful at the charm offensive. Her many masks are grandly displayed and highly convincing. Most people believe that she has a very fine character. This is all a lie.

When the front door is firmly shut, the narcissistic mother is a seething Medusa–deadly venomous snakes writhing on her head. Each dancing snake is coiled — ready to spew deadly venom. This is the traumatic experience of the unfavored daughter of the NM and the narcissistic sister.

The sister who is victimized by her narcissistic sister learns how to hide–at times literally. I have known children who found a hiding place under their houses. They learned to keep very quiet for hours to avoid confrontation. These sisters live in constant fear. When mother is out the narcissistic sister pounces. Sometimes she invites her cruel friends to join in on the attack. The narcissistic sister tells her little sibling that if she says anything to anyone about the cruel games they have played on her—she will be sent away and will never come back to her family. Young children believe this kind of lie and experience a deeper terror.

Narcissistic sisters do hate their siblings. They are constantly projecting the toxic contents of their unconscious on to those who have no power over them. They are bullies without conscience or limits. When the impulse rises in them to strike out, they do, without a second thought.

Siblings who are treated with this mortal form of cruelty and sadism often find a way to leave the home very early. Some of them literally leave with a small suitcase and a little cash and seek out friends they can stay with. Anything is better than this day and night relentless torture.

These daughters live to tell the tale, work to heal themselves and develop their creative gifts. They find friends who appreciate their unique compassion and genuineness. These sisters replace the hatred reaped upon them with love and compassion for those who enter their lives. Many of them benefit from excellent psychotherapy, practice of healing the body/mind–gentle hatha yoga, cardiovascular exercise (what works for you) and making full use of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When you live with or are married to a narcissist you are in psychological danger. Once you have recognized who this person really is–a pernicious, totally selfish, often vicious and vengeful human being–make your exit. Previous spouses and partners of narcissists are often drawn back into the narcissist’s lair with promises of having everything they want. A narcissist knows how to “apologize” and make up. He offers you the most tempting rewards. He says that he has changed and learned from his mistakes. This is his run of lies that sound so appealing—He took you for granted. He cheated on you and now says he was a bad person. He adeptly puts on his humble act. That’s what this is —-Acting- Method acting in its highest form. He wants you back as one of his narcissistic supplies. You are an integral part of his image (which is his reality). You may have other assets that he covets–social and business connections, high professional standing. He knows that he can fool you again. Don’t fall for the “changed man” “I saw the Light” routine.

Narcissists are fixed personality disorders that do not change. They are etched in early childhood. Many of these men are golden boys who learned by the age of five that they were perfect and superior and that they could use and abuse anyone to get to their goal.

You hear the familiar words, the music begins—Don’t grant the narcissist another dance!!!!!
Create your own production. Get the professional help you may need. Surround yourself with a small cohesive support system. Pay attention to your intuition. Take good care of your body, mind and spirit.
You will recover and prevail. Study the features of the narcissistic personality. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

The despicable truth about narcissistic mothers is that they don’t raise their children–They give birth to them–that’ it. I have had many a narcissistic mother tell me that she was bored with little children—babies and toddlers in particular. “They are so boring. Why would I want to spend time with them when I could be moving forward with my career. I have it all planned out. Babies get in your way.” My question to myself is Why the hell did you have children” Sometimes there is a whoops but that is an exception.Narcissistic mothers often plan the spacing between their children. They want one right after the other so that they can get it over with. They spend the absolute minimum amount of time on maternity leave, drop the pregnancy fat with hours of working out at the gym. Having their figures back is far more important than taking care of their infants Narcissistic “mothers” do not bond with their children and that is psychologically detrimental to an infant and baby. If they have the means they hire expensive nannies who will take over as surrogate parents for a high price. Now the narcissistic mother can brag about how much her child is learning and that she has a high pedigree nanny–and that she is going to soon reach the pinnacle of her career. She can do it all. Really? Babies take a lot of actual time and it is not the most scintilating experience every moment taking care of them. They cry, puke, poop, scream while teething, defy you as they move toward individuation,become ill in the middle of the night and run high fevers. They often test your patience. This is all part of raising a child.

Narcissistic mothers have it very easy. They take all of the credit for having their children. They carry pictures around on their cell phones. They buy clothes for them so the kids present the perfect image. They indulge their children materially—but they do not pay real attention and attune to their children. There is no psychological attachment. This is a serious problem.

They are involved with their careers and the social swirl of work. Some of these women are traveling constantly and even if they are married their spouse is a workaholic. When you have two narcissistic parents, neither party is raising the child. The psychological damage is incalcuable and takes its toll throughout the child’s life. Narcissistic mothers see their children infrequently. When they get home the child is already in bed. In the morning mother has already left and the child is left with a baby sitter or nanny.

Some mothers have to put their children in childcare when the baby is very young.This is necessary because they have to work and there are no family members who can take care of them. These mothers love and are very devoted to their children. Bless them–they are doing the best job they can under very difficult circumstances.

I have come across too many narcissistic mothers–past and present. It is tragic for their children. Many of these children turn out to be incredibly empathic human beings. i have seen this often. They deserve tremendous credit. They are caring, kind human beings–always thinking of others.

To learn about every facet of the narcissist in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

If you are seriously thinking about divorcing your narcissistic husband/wife, don’t give any indication–verbal or nonverbal that this is your intention. Narcissists are incapable of introspection or insight but they are uncanny in detecting when you are on to them and headed for divorce court. Be sure that you have made detailed plans to protect your personal assets and the part of the shared property, investments, bank accounts, etc to which you are entitled. Research and interview more than one attorney. Personal recommendations can be of great value but an individual that is effective for one person may not be successful in your situation. Make a clear appraisal. The attorney must be highly skilled in his/her field. In addition he must have a clear understanding of the character traits of the narcissistic personality. That doesn’t mean he must be an expert. He needs to be very savvy about highly manipulative people who lie, have no conscience, are completely ruthless and are dirty players. Expect the opposing attorney to be very tough, chronically lie, be highly manipulative and intimidating. He/she has a charming and go below the belt if he/she can get away with it.

One of the most common schemes of the narcissist is to put all of the assets including properties, bank accounts, stocks in his name. I have communicated with spouses who were absolutely stunned to find out that their financial security had beenr ripped away from them years before they decided to seek a divorce. Don’t put anything past the narcissist. It is strategically wise to play his role–think the way he does. How is he plotting to ruin you financially. What schemes does he have up his sleeve. Is he talking to gullible family members against you? Is he using a business partner to hold his assets (and yours) as a way of playing “I don’t have anything–You can’t get money out of a stone.”

Once you make the decision to go ahead with the divorce, don’t get pulled in the narcissist’s empty promises—this is a ruse, an undertow that will pull you back down.

Form a strong support group. Seek psychotherapy if you think it will help you through the process. Be sure you choose a therapist who is not a narcissist–Yes there are some who are in this profession.

Choose healing routines–gentle yoga poses, slow stretching with the breath that is relaxing and loosens tightened muscles, spending some time outside and feel the breeze (get some natural vitamin d), listening to music you love and let it permeate you, singing or chanting spontaneously, laughing your head off with a friend just being silly—-and many more that you will discover.

Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality (their numbers are growing). Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Never underestimate the callousness of the narcissist. He/she is merciless. If you are in the full bloom of his infatuation with you–then you are The One and he won’t let you forget it. This phase doesn’t last long. You may believe that he still loves you (He never did–Narcissists are incapable of love). This is not true. He is just barely going through the motions. In fact not long after the marriage, a few years, months, decades, depending on his fancy and other opportunities he has for other women to adore him., he wants you out of his life–the quicker the better.

If you get sick he doesn’t give a damn. If you get real sick, he is inconvenienced and pissed. “You drive yourself to the hospital. You’re putting on an act–I can tel and it’s not convincing.” This has really happened. Believe it, this is how cold and disgusting these individuals can be when their adoring audience is not present. He pretends to care about your welfare but this is all show. His relatives and friends think he is an extraordinary person–a great family man. Really!!! It is not unusual after the marriage is in dark distress for the narcissistic husband to flip the entire family to his side. Don’t catch yourself flat footed. Remember, without a conscience the narcissist is morally agile–he can go in any direction he wants at high speed. Others have to think and weigh the consequences of their judgements: Will this hurt someone? Will I hurt this person’s feelings? The narcissist doesn’t go through this exercise—ever. He forges ahead in the fast lane of his life and no one else matters.

So, you must learn to care about your own life and appreciate every gift that you have, every kindness you have shown to others and those that you will bestow in the future. Appreciate that you think about the feelings of others before you act–that you have a well developed conscience–that you are merciful to those who are vulnerable, afraid, weak and debilitated. And today there are so many of these people—living alone, barely holding on. You will find them and ease their suffering. You are a real human being. You have compassion and that is scarce these days. As you grow and individuate you will psychologically leave the narrow cruel life of the narcissist behind. You will continue to grow and re-create your life. I wish you my very best. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissists surround us every day—in our homes, at work, at social events, in the media that rewards and echos them. There are exceptions—individuals who are rare, empathic, compassionate, unmaterialistic, unselfish. They don’t make judgements about how you look–how fat, trim or round you figure, the tightness of your jaw, whether your eyes are crinkled in laugh lines of decades of living, what you are wearing–Is it new and expensive? Where are you traveling next? Did your children get into a top university–If not they are failures as are you.

I see homes that are impeccable. There is no sign of habitation. The people who live in these houses are not living facades. . I look into their faces and I see a bleak vacancy, blank expressionless eyes, a frightfully pasted on smile (with perfect white teeth). God help you if you age naturally. There are parts of this country where aging is not allowed. You must get a face lift, be regularly botoxed, fractionally laserized, etc.

The narcissistic style has taken over much of this country. No one talks about it openly but it is omnipresent.
I had a woman ask me if I thought she lived in the right zip code. Inwardly, I gasped. She had purchased a home in a very fine neighborhood but this wasn’t good enough for her. I asked myself—What the hell is going on here???? How is it that the material, the surface, the veneer is now passing for reality and meaning.

There are tremendous exceptions—people who do not make judgments based on someone’s age, looks, quality of clothing or lack thereof, schools attended or not attended, proper family backgrounds, social circles, etc.

Those who strut the narcissistic style are oblivious to everyone but those in their tight circles. They are dizzy with their worldly power and the thrill that it gives them to acquire things—the obsession with getting more and more. An endless addiction to Having that cannot be quelled. Deep inside these people are so psychologically empty, they cannot be with themselves. They project their self hatred on to others. They look down upon those who have not succeeded as inferior. “They have been foolish, made stupid mistakes. it is all their fault.” Did anyone hear about tragedy striking a person, a family, brothers, sisters—-everything getting wiped out. Those who have a crumb of care left about those who can barely hold their head above water need to tune in to the suffering that is all around us and reach out their hands. A dear friend of mine was recently leaving a party. As she went to her car, she saw a stranger picking over garbage. She asked: “Are you hungry?” The man said “yes”. She gave him a large bag of delicious ribs and fixings. He said “thank you.”. This is typical of my friend’s behavior in all areas of her life. She has a different style—a loving all encompassing way of including others in her life, friends and strangers, knowing when they need help and providing comfort and sustenance to them. I have found a growing number of people who are proceeding with their lives in this way. They don’t put themselves above others; they do not declare themselves superior. Their natural inclination is to give and share—That is the real human force within us. I have met so many of you with open hands and hearts. My greatest thanks!
Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

The narcissistic mother abuses her children by her presence alone. She is cold, disingenuous, hyper critical, emotionally unavailable, completely self absorbed and unempathic. Babies immediately know who their mother really is. Babies of narcissistic mothers internally know that their mother is incapable of loving them of caressing them of holding and bonding with them. They feel this deep inside although they are too young to speak or even think rationally because they are too young. As the child of the narcissistic mother grows, this woman has a stronger grip on her child. She has high expectations especially if you are the chosen golden child. She doesn’t care how you are feelings and thinking. She has plans for you. You must become a doctor, an attorney, a CEO–You must rise to the heights or you are a failure. She fuses with you psychologically. You cannot get away from her. Even when she is not present in the room you feel her tugging at you, criticizing you–forcing you to go in the direction she has chosen for you. Growing up with a narcissistic mother it is difficult to maintain your own thoughts and feelings. That’s how much she has taken over. She decides who your friends should be. She meddles in your life on every level.

The child who is discarded by the narcissistic mother is ignored and often scoffed at or even laughed at. He or she is compared with the golden child and always comes up wanting. “Why can’t you be bright like your brother.” “You are stupid and lazy. I have always known that about you.” You will always be a failure. You should be ashamed of yourself.” These psychological blows are unrelenting. These children are always suffering under the heel of the cruelty of the narcissistic mother.

The golden child is psychologically fused with the narcissistic mother and is revered and even considered as some kind of deity.

As you grow up you try to undo the shackles of the narcissistic mother. This is a very difficult thing to do. You are already enmeshed with her. You have a love/hate relationship with her. It’s not real love; it is an obligation and a kind of imprisonment.

These forms of psychological haunting can go on for generations until someone breaks the pattern. Will you be the one who will or has done this. There are daughters and sons of narcissistic others who have freed themselves from their bonds. They are leading their own lives on their terms. They have permanently disengaged from the cruel matriarch of their recurrent nightmares. Many of them have benefited from quality psychotherapy, healing modalities like gentle yoga, walking or sitting meditation, health enhancing exercise and good diet, etc.Take heart. You can change this horrific pattern. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“Paranoia is a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in an unfriendly and dangerous inner world..Inside, he is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

All narcissists are paranoid on some level. They look over their shoulders, fortify their ramparts, create traps to assure their psychological safety. They are highly secretive about this. They don’t want anyone to know their secrets.

Narcissists have never developed Basic Trust–which is the human capacity to feel internally protected and secure within yourself and to learn how to develop meaningful relationships with others.

Narcissists throughout their lives have psychologically, emotionally and financially crushed countless people, especially those closest to them—their spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children. There is a pervasive pattern of narcissistic abuse that involves the stealing of financial security by the narcissistic spouse. I have heard and read innumerable life stories of spouses who believed that they could obtain a fair divorce settlement only to discover that monetary assets had been hidden and then placed under the control of the narcissist. In a number of cases the injured spouse is not able to obtain legal representation because they have no funds. The narcissist hires a very savvy high powered attorney who prevails in the divorce court. Some of these malicious narcissists end up with custody of the children. They don’t give a damn about their children. This is a form of revenge for them and a way of maintaining their image of “good father.”

Despite their success professionally in the world, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself. This is tragic.

The tragedy continues with those who are victimized by the narcissist and their number is legion. Those are the individuals to whom I reach out. Learn to protect yourself from the pathological paranoid narcissist. Study the personality traits and recognize the red flags of the narcissistic personality. Trust your genuine self always to know the truth about the nature of these pathological individuals. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Growing up the daughter or son of a narcissistic mother is one of the most difficult roles in life. These non mothers cause both emotional and psychological abuse as well as maternal deprivation. These women can’t mother. They suffer from a severe personality disorder that is fixed and will likely never change. It is unfortunate that they become mothers in the first place. In some cases the father takes the role of both parents and the children bond with him and receive affection and love from this person. We only need one parent and often dad is the one. Some children are raised by a grandparent who takes on the mothering role.

Narcissistic mothers are very mean in different ways. Some of them completely ignore their children and treat them like servants, making them become little adults very early—learning how to cook, clean and fetch and carry anything mama wants and needs on the spot. These women often scream incessantly at their children and are not above cuffing them in the face when their low impulse control takes over. They are never sorry. They put on the perfect act in public and neighbors and friends often think they are wonderful mothers. Cruelties, maternal deprivation, deceitfulness, turning one child against another–you name it and they perpetrate these unspeakable deeds and emotional wounds upon their children. These psychological wounds linger in the mind and heart for children of narcissistic mothers. However, there are many who heal. They permanently break the tie literally and emotionally with their non-mother. Some of them find healing through excellent psychotherapy and learning to get out of the fight or flight mode through gentle hatha yoga and meditation and other healing modalities. Some of the most compassionate individuals I have known are children of narcissistic mothers. Always take good care of yourself, cherish your kindness and feel your heart open. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Image is the narcissist’s reality. He builds this up throughout his life. How he appears to others is critical to his sense of self. Deep inside the narcissist is psychologically empty. His inner life is bleak. He has no internal psychological resources. Many narcissists are obsessed with obtaining material things—cars, houses, clothing of the highest quality.Everything that they touch must be special since they view themselves as perfect. Go into a restaurant with a narcissist and you will him giving the server the third degree unless he is in a familiar haunt where he is treated like royalty. Narcissists treat those in what he would consider “inferior positions” —real working people–like dirt. This is one of the red flags of narcissism–how a person treats those who do not have the education, money, social or professional status they have. I am always astounded by those who firmly believe they are better than someone else—-Really!!! How infantile–How Narcissistic!

His external environment must be beyond perfection. He’s like the old nursery rhyme Sing a Song of Six Pence: “The King was in his counting house, counting out his money…”
Narcissists are always counting and appraising their possessions—even their wives. Yes, if you are married to a narcissist you are a possession–a very valuable one that is part of his perfect image. It is essential that wives of narcissists keep themselves looking and acting that way or they will be replaced. Even if you remain is wife, the narcissist will not be faithful to you. Compartmentalizing women is part of their MO. They love the thrill of possessing more than one woman at a time.

How long are you willing to give up your life to the narcissist—to dance to his choreography, to bow to his highness, to be screamed at incessantly, to always be wrong (when you are right) to be blamed for everything, even a rain shower, to be kept up at night because you are too stressed to sleep because you don’t know when or where the next blow is coming from? Are you willing to risk you physical and psychological health? Many women do. I hear from them and some remain the narcissistic spouses’ possession.

Think about the value of your life as an individual. Speak to your intuition and listen carefully for an answer. Talk to someone whom you trust completely. Be kind to yourself and begin to make a plan of action. You will prevail. You are not possessed by anyone. You are a unique human being of great value. Learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality disorder. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com