Author: Linda Martinez-Lewi PhD

Narcissists Do Not Bother with Suffering of Others

Narcissists are always on the take. They are aggressive, unempathic, merciless and driven to get exactly what they want. If you have been married to one for years or decades, you must know that they don’t care about your feelings. They are using you for their own purposes. Everyone in their lives is expendable. They can and will replace you. Narcissistic spouses wear you down to the nub. If you are emotionally and psychologically vulnerable, you are at particular risk.

If you want to stay in the narcissist’s favor, you must mirror them perfectly. Regardless of how perfect you are and how well you follow their orders, it is never enough. If you cross them and become more independent, they seek revenge. Since they don’t have a conscience to slow them down, they go right for the jugular. They take their pound of your flesh. They kick you when you are down and take control of mutual financial assets. They know how to whisk them away in secret, leaving you vulnerable and at their mercy.

If you wait too long to divorce them and they have the upper hand, the narcissist holds the best cards. He slaps you when you are down. I know of situations of narcissistic husbands refusing to help a spouse who was physically ill. She had to drive herself to the hospital.

Narcissistic husbands and narcissistic wives out of revenge will work the mediators and courts to get custody of your children. They hire attorneys who are slick, hungry beasts.

Arm yourself with research about the true nature of the narcissist. Recognize that this person cannot change. This is a fixed personality disorder. Don’t be pulled back into the pseudo marriage by his empty promises and pitiful martyr performances. Be prepared for his tawdry act but know that he will seek revenge, get it and never look back. The narcissist is hard and cold, like a piece of stone.

Make your move to sever the relationship soon rather than later. You have courage and talents and your life ahead of you. Many before you have made this break and discovered that at the end of the tunnel there is freedom, inner peace and an expansion of your creative gifts. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissists Do Not Bother with Suffering of Others

Narcissists are obsessed with their own lives. If you fit into their their picture as part of an adoring audience that keeps their ego inflated, that works very well for them. There are followers who don’t have an identity of their own and feel and believe (especially with high level narcissists) that they can participate in the glory, adulation and power of this other person. They psychologically fuse with the narcissist so completely that they are always finding ways to emulate him, to make him pleased, to serve him, to seek his approval, to be part of his elite inner circle. There are many sacrifices that the devotee make to achieve this purpose. The first being that you give up your own life to him (her). When you get older, are less attractive, have jowls beginning to show, there is an excellent chance that you will be dropped from his presence. Will he care that you have been run out of paradise. Will it disturb him (her) that you are having a financial or medical crisis and need his assistance. Absolutely not! Even if you have known him for decades.

Narcissists are bored by the suffering, difficulties, illnesses and tragedies of others. They give you a quick clipped message and that is the end of it. Your problems are a bother to the narcissist if you ask him for help. After all, the focus is his life not yours. Some narcissistic fathers and mothers are aggravated when their children become ill. They might tell this child that he or she is lying or exaggerating. The narcissist blames the child for becoming ill and tells the little one he or she is a weakling.

When you know a narcissist whether as part of your family or as a friend or acquaintance, have you noticed their complete disinterest in what you are experiencing in your life, especially if it is heartbreaking or tragic or a difficult protracted problem. Narcissists cannot process the suffering of others, even their spouses and children. The are completely insensitive to what you are feeling. They don’t and won’t understand your experiencing and are bored by it. They either play it all down or ignore you completely. Never think you can count on a narcissistic spouse or parent to come and stand by you when you are in emotional, psychological or physical pain. This state of yours is non-existent to them or it is an inconvenience or interruption in their plans. I have heard life stories of spouses who were very ill and had to call upon others to take them to the emergency room because the narcissistic spouse was too busy or away on a trip and incommunicado.

If a person cannot stop and acknowledge that you are having a very difficult or impossible time with an illness, psychological problem, financial or family crisis, then he or she is not completely human. This individual is not worthy of your respect. Narcissists don’t change so don’t wait for the magical transformation. It is not going to happen.

You can change by recognizing your worth, your meaning and your creative gifts. Rediscover yourself by severing psychologically toxic relationships with narcissists. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Ex-Spouses Psychologically Poison Their Children

Remember that narcissists are without conscience or shame. They will never apologize for some horrible trauma they have caused you or your children. In fact, they blame every calamity on you. They twist the truth like a warm pretzel. Some spouses believe their lives are great because they have been brainwashed over the years. Others are immersed in the lifestyle that he/she provides for them. There are too many trips, parties, lovely possessions, gifts and all the other distractions that keep them deluded by the fantasies of having what they want. They are like children in a candy store with unlimited amounts of money to buy every treat they can reach.

When the marriage disintegrates and the nasty divorce dance is over, there are custody arrangements. These always cause problems. With half and half custody the narcissistic ex-spouse spends enough time with his/her children to psychologically poison them against the other parent. They tell outright lies to the point of describing an affair that the other spouse had. None of this is true. The children find this information very alarming. What makes this even worse is the narcissistic ex-spouse swears the children to secrecy. Don’t say a word; this is between you and me. Narcissists thrive on secrets. It makes them feel powerful. They control others with this mendacity. It pits one person against the other and weakens them. They are sadistic and love to watch others twist in the wind and lose their psychological footing.

Maintaining a loving, open, close relationship with your children is key to offsetting the psychological poison of the narcissistic ex-spouse. When the relationship is solid and loving, your children will tell you exactly what is going on when you are not in their presence. We only need one good loving parent or a parent surrogate.

Use your intuition and you will know what your ex-spouse is cooking up. You can smell the aromas of his deceptive stew of lies. You have the drop on him. You know the truth. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Sociopathic Narcissists Have The Killer Instinct

The grandiose narcissist needs to have his/her ego constantly stroked. He knows how to reel people in. He plays to their dependency needs, material desires, their aspirations for wealth and power. He can take one look at a woman and know how to get her under his control. Many women fall for this master of charm with all the gilded promises. With a narcissist you are lead to believe that you life will be unlimited, that you can have every high and pleasurable experience you’ve ever wanted, that you will never have to worry about money, security, social status. You will always be royal. Woman with very successful careers and professions still fall for charming narcissistic men. They become entranced, hypnotized.

The sociopathic narcissist is several steps beyond his classic brother narcissist. He doesn’t have a whiff of conscience. He is involved in illegal activities as part of his lifestyle. He secretly leads a number of lives and has a keen killer instinct. You get in his way and your life is toast. That is the force of his dangerous darkness. He may threaten you openly or keep his plans secret but watch out if you confront him. Those who go along with him are not leading their own lives. They stay there because of all the perks which are a constant distraction like a merry go round that is moving faster and faster. The giddiness of having anything you want is intoxicating.

Sociopathic narcissists are disastrous parents. They are incapable of forming any kind of relationship with them. Sometimes the child looks up to the father or mother because this person is very successful and powerful. Some narcissistic sociopaths choose one child to mirror him. He becomes the golden boy or girl and can do no wrong.

Sociopathic narcissists are psychological killers in business. They terrorize their rivals. They have close allies and partners that make the lives of their competitors a living hell. They step over ethical and legal boundaries all of the time and don’t get caught because they have a coterie of killer instinct sociopathic lawyers.

When you decide to divorce a sociopathic narcissist, make your preparations secretly and take your time to do a lot of research. Interview several attorneys who understand the way these people tick. The soon to be ex is out for blood and will stop at nothing to win. Find an attorney who is not intimidated in the slightest with these personalities, someone who remains calm when the long knives come out. Use all of your resources to get the support you need. Excellent psychotherapy can be very helpful during this time. Find friends that are available to support you and stick with this ordeal. You will prevail. Keep telling yourself that this is a marathon and you are up to the race and will cross the finish line with a smile on your face. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

You Deserve to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse

The beginning of healing is recognizing that you are worthy and that you have unique value as an individual. This can be difficult for those who not only married narcissists but grew up with a narcissistic mother or father. From the beginning of life you were treated like an object or less. No one gave you the special attention you needed, even as a small child. Your basic physical needs may have been taken care of (or not) but there was no emotional contact or understanding with the narcissistic parent. This person was so preoccupied to himself/herself that you were invisible to them. In other cases you were the punching bag. The narcissistic parent was constantly enraged and you were conveniently there to receive the blows–the humiliations, criticisms, threats, intimidations. You can still remember the primal sounds of your narcissistic mother’s screams; the way she looked at you with pure hatred. You felt yourself grow cold. Your intestines roiled inside. You thought you were going to die on the spot. Some children become emotionally frozen and feel numb. They learn to go into this state to protect themselves. Some narcissists parents have special sadistic punishments–putting you in a locked closet most of the day. There you sat and cried, unable to breathe, not knowing when you would be released. You felt terror roar throughout your body and mind. Finally you whimpered yourself to sleep. Some narcissistic parents treat their children like servants. Small children must clean the house, wash the clothing and wait on the narcissistic mother or father. There is no mercy behind the walls of this house. Those on the outside never know that this malevolent treatment is taking place.

You can and will heal from your narcissistic mother, father, spouse, sibling. One of the most significant roles here is in putting your healing first–make it a priority. You have been living in the fight or flight mode most of your life. It is essential that you begin to have experiences within your self that feel safe and calm. Each person finds his own pathway to healing. We take from different disciplines and practices. One that helps many people is the use of the breath to calm the body/mind. This can work through the practice of gentle hatha yoga poses with emphasis on the breath moving in and out of the nostrils. When we do a pose we are gentle with ourselves. There is no need to strain or push. There is nothing to attain. Be present with yourself and pay attention to your breath. If you are unfamiliar with yoga it might be helpful to find a class with a teacher who is skilled but also highly empathic and calm. True yoga is uncompetitive. It is a practice that has developed over thousands of years and is very effective for many in achieving greater calmness within the body and mind. Another method of treatment is acupuncture. This is not for everyone. Some people are afraid of needles (although they are very thin). Finding the right practitioner is very important. This is someone who is highly skilled and experienced and whose ego is dropped. Besides this, you want to see an acupuncturist who does not have a money motive but a healing motive in treating patients. Acupuncture treatments lead the patient to experience the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is very calm and feels safe and protected. We rest in a deep security as we let go and ground with the experience.

Writing regularly for yourself alone is another form of healing from the narcissist. It frees up your mind and emotions. You are expressing feelings as you release them. There are no judgments to make as you write. It flows from you. Spending time with Nature is also very healing. We see the intricacies and beauty of the natural world and are amazed by them. Some people have small gardens and find that focusing in the present on their plants and flowers is part of their healing process. Meditation for some of those who are recovering can be a source of comfort, quieting the mind and focus. Do not be judgmental when you meditate. Meditation is not the absence of thought. It is the effort that matters the most, not the time you put in. One minute of meditation or prayer is invaluable. Some form of exercise releases body tensions and calms obsessive thinking. Choose what works for you. Find your own ways of healing. Trust yourself. You know so much about how to find you way back. The body/mind is always moving naturally toward healing. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Mother Severely Destructive to Her Children

The narcissistic mother is cold, robotic, ruthless and cruel. She has no real feelings for her children except for the one who is most like her–the golden one. This is the special boy or girl whom she has picked as a living god like a pharaoh. NMs live through these children who can do no wrong, who have no limits and are allowed to abuse their brothers and sisters without any consequences.

Unchosen children live in constant fear, apprehension, always waiting for the next catastrophe. Their nervous systems are always turned on the fight or flight syndrome. They don’t know what it means to feel safe. Many of them have horrible insomnia or night terrors. They worry that mother will come in and start screaming at them or even beating them. Secret punishments that cause humiliation and constant terror are meted out regularly. When you live with a narcissistic mother you exist in a kind of gulag. There is no escape; you feel helpless and alone and there is an enduring sense that this hell is never going to end. Some children of narcissistic mothers feel deep inside that they are bad and defective human beings. “What have I done wrong?” What horrible things have I done to mom that she hates me so much? “I can’t stop hearing her screaming in my ears?” “I get scared every night that she’s coming in my room to hit me and then send me away. Where will I go?’

Every despicable word or deed you can imagine has been perpetrated by narcissistic mothers, especially if they are sociopathic. They are highly sadistic and smirk and smile when their children are most terrified by them. They love to shock even a small child just to watch the kind of power they have over him. They cram food down their throats, put them on hunger regimens, make them eat food that has spoiled, demand they stand in their feces for hours. You name it, they’ve done it!.

The psychological impact of having a narcissistic mother is devastating. There are actually some people who don’t believe these life stories. I say the hell with them. Don’t give anyone who doesn’t believe you the slightest attention. You know exactly what you have live through. There are so many people who are incapable of empathy. If it didn’t happen to them, it doesn’t exist. How narcissistic is that!

Adult children of narcissistic mothers can continue to suffer in the aftermath of their abuse. Many of them find healing by working with excellent psychotherapists, practicing healing modalities like gentle yoga with its emphasis on the slow breath through the nostrils, acupuncture can bring the quieting parasympathetic nervous system experience to those who have suffered this level of abuse. Many survivors of maternal narcissistic abuse find their way back to inner peace, the loving acceptance of their real selves and the activation of their creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissist’s Sexual Thrill That Hurts You

There are many women who are married to sadistic narcissistic men and continue to “suck up” their emotional and psychological pain. They are berated every day by their narcissistic spouse. When not in person these assaults are achieved by phone, email or text (which is faster). Some sadistic narcissists are so obsessed with inflicting pain that they cannot stop their treacherous behaviors. They tend to escalate at times when they are frustrated with their work–a business deal has fallen through, their well planned trap to disempower an enemy has failed, someone whom they hate is succeeding. Many narcissists are workaholics but spend most of their time, mentally torturing their subordinates with threats (“I can make sure that you are fired and will never get a good job ever again.” “I know your secrets. I have been watching you. You are such a fool your private life is exposed like a filthy sewer.” “I will use all of your confidential information against you, if you don’t shape up and pay close attention to what I expect of you.” It is daunting that another person can make us literally shake with fear when we are adults but this is the case with a convincing sadistic narcissist.

The stress ratchets up if you are married to a sadistic narcissist. After all, you are the living image of the perfection that he presents to the world. He expects perfection from you. Those married to narcissists know too well that even if you are perfect on every level, it is never enough. Your spouse finds every flaw and sticks you with them like a poisonous surgical injection.

Many narcissists get a thrill, like a strong sexual surge, out of tormenting you. They watch you cry helplessly. This makes them feel total power over you. They accuse you of being weak. How dare you cry over comments that are constructive and are designed to make you a more competent person and more independent. This is the excuse that they use but the truth is that they are licking their chops. They’ve got you under their power and this sends a thrill throughout their bodies and minds.

There are many spouses who endure sadistic repetitions throughout their marriages and partnerships with narcissistic men (and women). They pay a steep price. They experience high anxiety, deep depressions, emotional numbing, constant apprehension and an inability to activate their own creative gifts and take initiative in their separate lives. There are many times that arrive that tell you to get out of this ongoing psychological hells. You keep shaking these insights off. You are filled with fear of the unknown. What will you do as a person on your own. This is understandable if you have been married to this narcissist for a long time or if you have always been dependent on other partners. As you are in the process of making your decision, turn to those whom you trust. Use your intuition as you choose a few friends for support. Keep yourself physically strong, doing what works for you to maintain your health. Healing practice like gentle yoga can be very helpful in bringing you into the relaxation mode so that it becomes more familiar to you.

As time passes you are beginning to lead the life that you deserve. Now it is decision time. Many women (and men) decide to sever their relationship with the sadistic narcissist permanently through divorce. This can be a challenging process but in the end it is well worth the effort. Make sure that your attorney is not only legally skilled but understands this type of personality, the ruses and traps, their endless dramas and unlimited masks and guises. Those who have made this choice find that they can now take a deep breath, are free to use all of their creative gifts, find others who care deeply about them and now view their world from a clearer more hopeful lens, that speaks of inner peace, beauty and ,yes, joy. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Many spouses wait years , even decades on a wild, treacherous ride with their narcissistic partner. As time passes they become more miserable, weary and wary about their marital partner. There are many rounds of couples therapy which do no good. In some cases the therapist sides with the narcissistic spouse and convinces you that you have the serious psychological problems that are causing problems with the marriage. Narcissists are so clever and such fine actors that they fool therapists with their charm and magnetism. After you have tried everything possible and are at a turning point, you make the decision to divorce your spouse.

I suggest you don’t announce your decision until you are fully prepared for every aspect of this event. In some cases that are particularly acrimonious the spouse has her/his attorney get in touch with the other side. Choosing the right attorney is of utmost importance. It is wise to interview several lawyers who specialize in divorce and family law. Get good referrals from your close friends but remember that everyone is an individual. It is your decision alone. In addition to the professional skills, knowledge and expertise of the lawyer, consider his or her personality. This individual must have a keen sense of the nature of the narcissistic personality. You want a lawyer who is calm, competent and your loyal advocate at all times. The attorney needs to be quick at perceiving some new ruse the narcissist and his attorney have hatched to sabotage you. One plan is to wear you down so far emotionally and physically that you are not up for the challenge. Make sure you take very good care of yourself especially during this time. Get your sleep, take time to be quiet and calm each day through meditation, gentle yoga, exercise, journaling—what works best for you. This is your time. Take full advantage of it. Keep focused on your personal, creative and professional strengths. Know that you will prevail.Turn to a few friends whom you trust completely and allow yourself to be nurtured by them. Some spouses that brief psychotherapy during this time is highly supportive and informative. When you form a strong therapeutic alliance with an excellent therapist it can make a great difference in moving through this process. Interview several therapists if that is necessary.

Take the upper road but be keenly aware that the narcissist is a street fighter who hits below the belt and can get down and dirty. You already know this from being married to him/her. Don’t be surprised at the outrageous lengths he will go to intimidate you or trap you or use a well hatched trick to take the financial assets that are lawfully yours. Protect your children by being tough and don’t lose your cool. The narcissist want you off balance and out of control so he can show how disturbed you are. He/she will lie about you. Know that the people who are truly your friends know exactly who you are and the others who believe him must be dismissed.

Give yourself credit. You are about to become free after years of psychological imprisonment. Call upon the warrior inside of you, the one who knows exactly who this person is and also knows that you will prevail.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Spouses Feed You Poison Every Day

It may come in an elaborate porcelain cup or a plain cracked bowl but the contents are the same—psychological poison. Every day that you live with a narcissist, you are putting yourself in the hands of a person who is incapable of love and who secretly hates you. Pathological narcissism is a severe personality disorder and must be taken seriously. Identifying a narcissist can be difficult, especially if they have a very attractive facade and know how to communicate well. They are often socially very smooth and are gifted at pretending that they are genuinely interested in you. Even when you marry a narcissist you are often unaware of how disturbed and destructive to your life they will be. Deep inside the narcissist loathes himself. He has no inner resources to turn to. As a result of his unconscious self hatred and emptiness he projects psychological detritus on to you. He is the perfect one; you are horribly flawed. These projections put in your cup day by day are drams of psychological poison that you swallow. How many doses of this nasty brew will you take?

You are at the narcissist’s disposal to satisfy his outrageous ego needs, burnish his image and if you have a highly successful career and profession, a stellar economic profile high level social connections, he will invite himself to use these as well. Narcissists are toxic. When we see a label that is marked poison, we are repelled and step away. The narcissist’s potion takes away your freedom, your confidence, siphons off your creative ideas. Some spouses of narcissists become physically ill as a result of their constant exposure to the narcissist’s vile nature. You can decide that you will not take this cup, that it is disastrous for you. You have the free will to say “No” and dispose of this blight upon your life. There are so many spouses who have made this choice and there lives are transformed as a result. They are free now to re-start their lives, to engage their creative gifts and to discover that there are genuine human beings who are waiting to meet them. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Narcissistic Mother-in-Law Time to Say Goodbye

There are excruciating choices some women have to make. Stay married to a husband who is psychologically fused with his narcissistic mother or make the decision to sever the marriage because you can no longer tolerate the severe narcissistic abuse projected on to you.

This woman is not going to change. She is the vaunted Matriarch of the family. She runs everyone: her husband, children, siblings and any one else that crosses her path. Her son (your husband) loves and hates his mother but he is psychologically locked in to her. He has never been able to separate himself from her clutches. You married him because of your love for him. You saw a long future of sharing your life with him. Then the nightmare started full force. His narcissistic mother revealed herself in full ugly vengefulness. She gossiped about you to all the relatives, made up secrets about you and your family, telling all who would listen that you came from people who were dishonest and low class, who may have committed crimes. This vicious gossip and flat out lines was very convincing to her coterie of family followers. They believed her.

You recognized that your husband was in fact intimidated like a young boy about hurting his mother’s feelings who could turn the tears on and off like a well oiled tap. What an actress—She needed to take to the stage.

But this is real life for you every day, a miserable impossible situation with this woman and a man who remains a small boy in her presence. It is up to you to decide if you will remain in this very difficult role of villainess.

There are many life stories of women subjected to this level of narcissistic abuse that recognize that their husbands are so fused with their mothers that this Gordian knot cannot be untied. It is time to say goodbye. This is not an easy parting, but wrenching, especially if you have children. Many women have taken this hard pathway to their freedom from the narcissistic mother-in-law. But the rewards are great. You have your personal freedom, inner peace and all of your options are open for you to use all of your creative gifts. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]