Renew Your Life–Go No Contact with Narcissistic Sister

All of your life, your older, younger or twin sister has been putting you through hell–The reason—She is a Narcissistic Personality and in some family constellations, she was chosen to represent its sterling image. You felt psychologically dispossessed, a stranger in your own house that was not a home to you. In every way your narcissistic sister undermined you. When she wasn’t doing that, she was scaring you, intimidating you, demeaning you, humiliating you, threatening you. She was going to get you into trouble with mom and dad no matter what. Not by telling the truth but by her very convincing lies. Narcissists lie about everything in order to get exactly what they want. This is easy for them since they do not have a conscience. And—They Get Away With It!

Now that you are an adult, your narcissistic sister has continued her Weird Sister act and she is never going to stop. The NPD is a fixed personality disorder that does not change.

It is time to stand up for yourself by focusing on taking very good care of yourself. I mean that you decide on the best program that helps you to heal from your narcissistic sister’s ongoing abuse over a long period.

Spend time in a quiet way with yourself. Listen to music that you love and has meaning to you. Get the sleep that you need and deserve. Sleep puts us into the quieting mode of the nervous system and is essential to healing on every level. Let your creativity flow. Write spontaneously every day or when you can, the thoughts and feelings that come through your mind without editing. Do exercise that you enjoy or at least can tolerate. Think of other ways that you relax–Cooking, Gardening, Sewing, Reading, etc.  Spend time with individuals whom you trust and that contribute to your healing. Go with the givers and cross out the takers.

This is the beginning of a new life cycle for you.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Siblings Steal Your Psychological, Emotional and Financial Inheritance

One of the most painful familial situations is to be the brother or sister of a narcissistic sibling. From the beginning they “have it in” for you as the old saying goes. I have heard from so many of their victims. The stories told are hair raising. Even in early childhood there are memories of being pinched, squeezed, shamelessly slapped. All of this is perpetrated with impunity. The parent(s) of the victimized child is often a narcissist and gives the special , golden holy terror free reign in the household. There are no rules for this brat turned tyrant. The embattled child is always in fight or flight mode. There is no letting down, no relaxing of hypervigilence, no rest or freedom to express oneself authentically in this family constellation.

In some instances in adulthood the narcissistic sibling far in advance plots how he or she will deceive the parent (s) and gain full control over the family finances or trusts. This is shocking but it happens more often than one would think.

There are cases in which the golden narcissistic sibling intimidates brothers and sisters into taking his/her side against the scapegoated children. These battles become very ugly and can eventually rip families apart.

Rather than live in these dreadful circumstances many siblings break completely from their family of origin and move into a no contact mode. This is often painful since it is difficult for some to believe that a sibling with whom we share our DNA could be so treacherous. Coming to terms with this reality is essential to the healing process.

Learning about the psychological core and dynamics of the narcissistic personality recognizing their specific traits and the naked truth about them is the beginning of healing.

Acknowledging and appreciating your authenticity, the fact that you survived this series of hells is a huge step toward becoming whole. You went through these wars since childhood and have survived into adulthood. You deserve tremendous credit and acknowledgement for this achievement. So many of these survivors are among the kindest, most empathic and intuitive individuals I have every known. Here is to your continuing healing, your triumph as an individual and the unbounded use of all of your creative gifts.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers–Be Compassionate with Yourself

I have had conversations spoken and written with a number of daughters of narcissistic mothers. It has been eye-opening to meet so many women “raised” by exc narcissistic “mothers’ who are highly empathic.

They suffered so much growing up with a mother who was cold, distant, often emotionally abusive and for some, physically cruel. Often the narcissistic mother was extremely jealous of her daughter and created psychological ambushes for her child. Constant criticisms and humiliations were part of the daily fare for  these daughters. Many of them grew up thinking that there was something fundamentally wrong with them, even that they were intrinsically bad human beings. Time after time they were blamed for simply being born and making an effort to be an individual. What the narcissistic mother demanded could never be achieved because it was always a set-up, a trap, a road to nowhere.

These daughters grew up, often raising themselves and helping with their younger siblings. Another source of psychological pain was the brother or sister who was “golden”, chosen by the narcissistic mother as the absolute favorite who would fulfill mother’s need to have a  living facsimile of her “perfection.”

Growing up with a narcissistic mother and golden narcissistic sibling is exceeding difficult and that is an understatement.

Some narcissistic daughters report that they learned to keep their heads down from oncoming fire meted out by the cruelties and deprivations projected on to them. Some of these women describe creating entire worlds of the imagination in which they lived. Some escaped into books. Many hid in plain sight and became very quiet to hide and deflect from the frequent bursts of psychological venom projected by mother on to

For many of these daughters there comes a time of reckoning, of knowing that they can and will no longer take the maternal narcissistic abuse. They decide that they must be free to lead their own lives. This can involve a complete no contact break with the narcissistic mother. Other family members who have no understanding of the cruelties sustained by these daughters will often interfere and criticize them for their decision to separate from mother and become free to lead life on their terms. Relatives of this kind will never comprehend what these daughters have decided to do to reclaim their lives and this is none of their business and they deserve no explanation. Besides many of these relatives are incapable of seeing through the delusion, the false mask of their narcissistic relative.

As you experience the breath of freedom and feel your nervous system quieting for the first time, think about what you have done. You have survived despite all of the pain and  deprivation, as a unique bright talented kind and compassionate individual. This is huge! Now move forward with self care and compassion directed to yourself. Love that little child within you that kept faith with herself. Talk to her and cherish her loveliness and beauty. Take time to be with yourself  each day to quiet the mind in any way that works for you. It can be prayer, guided meditation, going into Nature. Follow your intuition as you allow yourself downtime, sleep, food that nourishes you and that you can savor, being around people that appreciate you and where there is a genuine exchange and warmth. Your creative gifts will move within and you will be surprised by their abundance. Feel the ease and grace within you and the inward smile that warms your lovely heart.

Surrounded by Narcissistic Family Members–Finding Your Way

I have had many communications with individuals who grew up encircled by narcissistic family members. Not just mom or dad or sister or brother but the whole bunch. Their life stories of survival under these circumstances are amazing. Many of these survivors didn’t realize until they were much older that their family suffered from this severe personality disorder. They remember being victimized and humiliated and treated like dirt but since they knew nothing else they thought it was normal and to be expected.

Some victims of narcissistic abuse become perfect pleasers. They can and do anticipate exactly what the narcissistic mom or dad wants. If there are narcissistic siblings, they become their servants out of fear and not knowing there are any alternatives than taking this lowly role.  In telling their stories the theme that emerges is that they were always wrong, at fault, criticized constantly and treated without respect or dignity. These children smell psychological danger. They are in a state of apprehension, always waiting for something very bad to happen to them. They  live day and night in a fight or flight mode. They are always on edge. Many become hyper vigilant–metaphorically or literally sleeping with one eye open each night–always on guard duty.

For many members of narcissistic families, it takes a while for the healing to begin. Some marry narcissistic spouses and repeat the destructive cycle that they experienced growing up. Fortunately, they recognize this ongoing destructive pattern of allowing others to control and define them and get off of the narcissistic merry go round that has made them dizzy and kept them from knowing and appreciating their original selves.

After divorcing a narcissist or finally recognizing that several family members are narcissists, there is a time of reckoning when the individual who has been holding the truth and suffered under this psychopathology for many years, begins to speak up for himself and recognize that he/she has value as a separate unique valuable individual.  No longer will he or she be defined by a narcissistic family or narcissistic spouse.

The way of healing and transformations for all of us is lifelong. Once you are on the pathway of discovering your real self, your creative gifts, your deep capacity to love, your invaluable sense of humor, the depths of your experience of beauty in Nature, writing, music, art–wherever you find your joy–keep going there. Hold yourself close and thank the little child inside who has been waiting all of this time for you to recognize, embrace and love him. Trust the great seer of your intuition to guide your journey. Wishing you deep peace and a vital sense of wholeness.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Being Victim of Narcissistic Generational Abuse Stops with Me

I hear from many men and woman who have endured and survived horrendous narcissistic abuse from their Narcissistic Mothers, Narcissistic Fathers, Narcissistic Siblings, Narcissistic Spouses. A number of them report narcissistic cruelties, betrayals, abandonment, scapegoating, bullying that was pathologically repeated from one family generation to the next. They speak of mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, etc. who perpetrated every manner of psychological, emotional and physical abuse. These victims can remember how they were treated as if it was yesterday. They speak about several generations of relatives who coldly participated in a variety of cruelties including psychological and physical abandonment, maternal deprivation, the imposition of sadistic punishments, making terrified servants out of their children, the engagement of horrific punishments that caused constant terror within the household. They described that they were servants in their own homes, bowing to the whims, needs and wishes of tyrannical narcissistic family members.

Those who rise up and say No More to narcissistic abuse are courageous individuals. Despite being surrounded by members of their own families who are endangering their psychological welfare, they make the decision not to side with these cold narcissistic family members who share only their DNA and completely lack any empathy for them. Those who free themselves of narcissistic generational abuse work hard to re-stabilize themselves, to recognize that they deserve to lead a life that belongs to them and that they are not dictated by the pathological whims, obsessions and parasitic needs of their narcissistic family members. Many benefit from excellent psychotherapy. There are many healing pathways including the practice of gentle yoga with the emphasis on the breath that calms that nervous system, learning to focus on their own self care, to create an exercise program that is tailored to their needs, recognizing that they deserve to experience deep inner peace, to use their unique creative gifts, to form healthy close bonds with others who love them. You have made a very important commitment. Your identity has changed forever, moving from victim of narcissistic abuse to leading your life in independence and freedom. You are a great example to all of us.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Mother Chooses Narcissistic Princess over Other Daughter

Narcissistic mothers are unjust, unfair and downright brutal. When this non mother has seized on the child who is the answer to all of her deepest needs and wishes, she has no interest, let alone a disgust for her other children. One common scenario is the older daughter turned “Princess” versus the young daughter.  From babyhood NM chooses the older daughter as her favorite. The sun rises and sets on this child. She is never corrected for her impulsive mean behaviors. When the younger daughter comes along and the budding narcissist pinches her baby sister, the NM pays no attention at all or she waves it all off as if it never happened. In fact NM may find it amusing to hear her baby cry or watch her wince. In this case “mother” is highly sadistic and dangerous to her little one. There are many occasions when the older blooming narcissistic daughter terrorizes the little child without any witnesses. She pretends like she is playing a funny game and rushes out of the shadows and scares and startles the baby who reacts with crying. Mother is annoyed: “What’s the matter with this kid ? All she does is whimper and cry.” “Why can’t she be like her older sister, calm and composed?” This situation is horrific for the victimized baby, young child and growing sibling who is subject to this malicious abuse. Dad never finds out about these horrors because he is purposely left in the dark. In some cases he is out to lunch and doesn’t want to be involved in any meaningful way with his family.

After growing up under these abusive conditions, victims of narcissistic sisters suffer greatly. Some of them feel that they are obligated to maintain relationships with the ones who tortured them. Well, I am telling you, you don’t. The family may not understand or believe you. But if this previous abuse by your NM and NS is continuing to interrupt the positive trajectory of your life, sever the relationship. The NM and NS are not going to change. They will continue to deride you, disdain you and psychologically injure you.

What is best for you is self  care and beginning the process of psychological and emotional healing. This begins by knowing that you are entitled to lead your own life, to feel deep inner peace, to feel safe and secure inside, to use your creative gifts, to learn to trust only those who are worthy of it. You can and will heal.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Family Members Distort Your Identity

Growing up with a narcissistic parent you are constantly living with a person who creates his/her pathological reality. This individual is delusional and incapable of having a true relationship with himself or anyone else. A small child growing up with this person he or she calls a parent has a hard road ahead in finally seeing through mother, father, sister or brother’s true nature as a narcissistic personality. There are exceptions I have found where the young child knows very early that something is very wrong with the members of his family. He is on the outs—picked as  a scapegoat or dismissed as not fitting in because he is odd, eccentric or just not good enough. In the world of pathological narcissism delusion begets delusion. Narcissistic family members side with one another against the child who sees reality as it is. In many cases the young child is at the mercy of how his grandiose, unempathic,cruel, manipulative parents and siblings distort his identity. They insist that their view of the world and of reality is the only living definition of reality. Everything outside of the narcissistic zone is peculiar, foreign, eccentric and sick.

Many narcissistic parents or mothers or fathers mold their children into perfect mirrors of themselves. Achieving this will give them bragging rights and better still they will possess living representations of themselves. What could be better for them then to have a living puppet who dances and sings to their tune. Some children in narcissistic families worship their brothers and sisters. They want to be just like them. Unfortunately if your brother or sister is a narcissist, you have not received kindness in return for your love for them. They have turned on you, used you to do their bidding and spat upon your sense of self.

Narcissistic family members always find ways to distort and even destroy your true sense of identity. They do not respect your individuality, your creative gifts, your special brand of intellectual curiosity, your sense of humor. They trample on your tender feelings and humiliate you. They laugh at your displays of emotion, stomping on your feelings of tenderness, your fears, the deepest parts of your loving heart. They make fun of what is most precious to you. You feel like they are trying to destroy you and doing a hell of a job. Their purpose is to distort and even destroy your identity unless you become like them or act as their servants and sycophants.

There are many individuals who grew up in narcissistic families who lived in the desert of delusion for decades before they awakened and recognized that they were “raised” by individuals who didn’t give a damn about their childrens’ individuality and true identities. Finally, many of them begin to stir, open their eyes and realize that this was stolen from them when they were young and was perpetuated by intimidation and severe narcissistic psychopathology within the family.

Those who recognize that they had been forced to disbelieve and reject their inner true selves, make the opposite turn and begin to appreciate how genuine they are. For some it has taken years to see themselves and to love that part of them that is so essential and beautifully genuine and delightful. They are on the road to healing; they are unstoppable. In many cases they reject their families of origin and sever themselves from the pathological narcissistic family gulag.

They live in freedom. They are no longer forced to see through a glass darkly. There is no barrier to perceiving their inner and outer realities. They have a renewed vitality, the flourishing of their creative gifts, the joy of rediscovering their open hearts that are capable of loving deeply and they find an inner peace inside that has been waiting for them to embrace since birth.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Ongoing Psychological Abuse by Narcissistic Sibling

There are many secrets held in families about sibling psychological abuse. Each child in a dysfunctional family is trying to survive. In a narcissistic family when a mother or father has NPD it is very difficult. When you combine this with a narcissistic abusive sibling, it is much more difficult.

From the beginning of there lives there are brothers and sisters who have to withstand their narcissistic sibling’s torturous acts, cruelties that go on every day. The narcissistic sibling constantly threatens them with physical harm, or says that they will get her brother or sister physically beaten or psychologically shamed by telling on them. Often this telling is a lie that the narcissistic sibling uses to erode and destroy the innocent sibling’s relationship with mother or father. Often the narcissistic mother and the sibling collude to victimize the chosen scapegoated child. This can take a form of torture to the point where the victim feels like he or she can be annihilated at any time. It is terrifying to grow up in these circumstances. The other parent is useless in standing up for this innocent child. The parent is oblivious or gone all of the time, or completely caught up in their own private world that has nothing to do with his/her children.

The abusing sibling is often chosen as the Golden Child who can do no wrong. These siblings perpetrate horrendous deeds on their brothers and sisters. When the parents are absent they bring their friends into the house to terrorize the already frightened child. They make him or her drink something that is putrid. They tie the child up for hours. They make him wet himself. They scare him to death, telling stories that they are about to kidnap him. And any other horrendous idea you can imagine. I know about these abominations from those who write to me and share their life stories. It can be hard to imagine that these cruelties take place. Believe me, they are happening and being repeated day after day and during the night. They are never ending. Children who grow up in these circumstances often develop post traumatic stress disorder. The narcissistic parent ignores her child’s symptoms–night terrors, recurrent horror dreams, anxiety attacks, agoraphobia, physical symptoms of extreme distress. Narcissistic mom thinks it is all so humorous and overblown. “You have a wild imagination and are making this up to get attention.” “Shut up and do your school work and don’t talk about this again. I am sick of your lies.” Among themselves the narcissistic sibling and the mother make fun of the child who is being severely abused. They are purposely perpetrating these cruelties upon this child.

Never underestimate the psychological damage that a narcissistic sibling in collusion with a narcissistic parent can and will do. Remember there is no conscience with these people. Some narcissistic siblings are highly sadistic and get pleasure from harming their brothers and sisters.

Those who remain silent–adults who know the truth–need to speak up an stop this horrendous cycle of abuse and torture. If you do now speak out and intervene, no one else will. Much of human nature has a distinctively dark side. Don’t brush this truth away. Use you knowledge to alleviate the suffering of others who have been through these psychological hells of childhood. Many of these children survive to tell their stories. They are inspiring and redemptive. They are our heroes.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Love to Make You Feel Worthless

Narcissists are cunning, tricky and conniving. They must always be in control. When they are “on” and contact you, they always want something from you. They don’t give a damn about how you are feeling or your life struggles. They have decided they want something from you–your time, connections, money, influence—any advance they can and will take. In these circumstances they are playing their game to the max. Their tone and manner couldn’t be more charming. They compliment you in just the right manner that will pull on you emotionally. This is especially the case with an ex boyfriend/girlfriend, ex spouse. You ask yourself: “Why is this person coming back into my life now?” Your answer could be–because he has reconsidered his love for me. Watch out before you become engulfed by this play to your heart.

Narcissistic mothers and fathers and narcissistic siblings suddenly appear out of nowhere and make promises about coming back into your life. They are so clever with their words and their tone. “It’s been too long. Let’s spend some quality time together.” Those are the magic words to an adult child of a narcissistic parent that can bring them back into the psychological ambush and painful entanglement with this NPD. Remember, these personality disorders do not change. They believe they are perfect. Remember that they are predatory–always surveying their environments for narcissistic supplies. They calculate your kindness and come up with the answer: Bingo–They can play you once again, get what they want and then disappear, leaving you feeling abandoned, emotionally battered and confused. Don’t go down this road again. It is a painful acknowledgement to recognize clearly that your parent is narcissistic.

You are a unique individual, worthy of leading the life that you deserve. You are the author of your life story once you have severed the relationship with the narcissist. No one can own you, intimidate you, possess you. You are free to use all of your many gifts, to establish close relationships with others capable of compassion and kindness. Develop a strong pattern of self care–doing those activities that you love and that will make you strong on every level. Enjoy all of your many creative gifts, Learn how to laugh again. Trust you intuition. Seek the beauty and healing of Nature. You will find respite there. Rediscover your original previous self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

I Will Lead My Life Not the Narcissist’s

We are separate individuals, unique and precious—Our genetic patterns, dispositions, crinkling of our noses, infectious humor, our special hugs, deep thought, creative excursions–and millions of other workings inside of us and outside will never be repeated again. Our time on the earth is given to us. We didn’t ask to be here. And sometimes we wonder why we are, especially when our lives become very tough and seem impossible. This can be the case if we are involved with a narcissistic personality in a marriage, divorce, the child of a narcissistic mother or father, or a narcissistic sibling.

Narcissists cannot have relationships. They are experts at using others, manipulating them, seducing them, exploiting them and in the end, discarding them. If you have been the object of narcissistic abuse, determine that you will put this behind you. You have researched this severe personality disorder. You know that this person cannot and will not change.  He is getting all of his needs met by diminishing the lives of those closest to him.

If you were raised in a family where you always felt less then it makes sense that you would not feel worthy or entitled. That is probably why many women and men are fooled by the charm and magnetism of the narcissist who promises you everything.  Once you know who this person is, start to initiate your own plan to free yourself. From a practical point of view this can be challenging, especially if you unwittingly let him/her have charge of the finances. Nevertheless, remember that you are in charge of yourself and your reactions to this person. No one can possess you, think you thoughts, feel your feelings or be you.

Vow to lead your life your way. Value who you are and find a few people who appreciate you and can be trusted. Work to get physically strong by routinely exercising. Exercise is a practice of strengthening and freedom. It requires some discipline but becomes an essential part of our lives. We are in charge of ourselves. Learning is power. Give yourself all of the tools you need to understand the narcissistic personality in-depth. I have written over 900 blog posts on this subject.

Gather hope inside from your knowledge. Take time each day, even a few minutes, to check in with yourself. Take a few deep breaths in and out through the nostrils and you will feel the relaxation start to flow. Learn to enjoy your own company. Activate the creative part of yourself in whatever form it takes. There is no judgmentalness here, only freedom and the excitement of discovery. You are growing, living, thriving within yourself. The original self is getting stronger each day. Look inside and smile.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.