Those in the midst of a divorce from a narcissist, know that all out warfare is taking place. You started with the idea of a fair settlement with all of your research and details. This was quickly rebuffed as a non-starter.
You didn’t know that your spouse has morphed you into The Enemy. He or she has never been a true partner. The narcissist is incapable of having an authentic relationship with anyone, their spouses and children in particular. You tried with all of your inner resources and ounce of strength and conviction to help this partner to change. You hoped, you cried, you prayed, you researched, you didn’t sleep—-and so much more you did to keep the marriage alive and moving forward. But you didn’t know that being with a narcissist always moves backwards for the partner. It is regressive and psychologically harmful to you.
Recognizing that you are in enemy territory is difficult if you have been married and have loved this person for a number of years–over half of your life–even longer. It is a shock and that is understandable.
You are blamed for everything. He/she is lying about you, making you appear to be crazy, immoral, a substance abuser, tramp. You name it and you are accused. Lies are spread to your friends, acquaintances, even reaching at times your work environment.
One of the first offensive moves is the lightening transformation of the spouse from being affluent, well healed, even very wealthy or uber wealthy to, in an instant, being impoverished. The “records” show that there is no money, no assets, no credit—-nothing! It is that quick. These moves have been planned and plotted for some time without your knowledge. Narcissists don’t have insight but they are exceedingly cunning and strategic, especially when it comes to material assets. They are greedy–I mean the Seven Deadly Sins–Greed.
I think of the Middle Ages and the Castles built during that time of great violence. This reminds me of the narcissistic spouse and what he/she does to protect his castle. The Moat is filled with high waters or sharp wooden barriers or both to keep enemies from approach. The drawbridge is drawn up and tightly secured; the iron gate is locked and bolted.
In the Keep at the top of the Castle the narcissist feels superior and invincible. No one can touch him. (Noblemen during the Middle Ages held large collections of precious stones-sapphires, emeralds, rubies, diamonds and gold). Today, the greedy narcissist has other instruments of tremendous value that can be whisked away with key strokes.
If your narcissistic spouse does not have monetary means, he or she has made you into The Enemy as well.
First, know that this is not true about you. It is a profound unconscious toxic projection on the part of the narcissist. You are not to blame, You are very sane. You are a fine human being. You have special talents, creativity and a unique core that belongs to you alone. Feel this deep inside and remind yourself of who you are.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Research and learn about the NPD in-depth so you know him better than he knows himself.
Get an excellent attorney (who will not gouge you and is not a narcissist) who is your true advocate and fearless about confronting the odious barrage.
Practice self care: Sleep, eating well, time to be quiet–guided meditation, gentle yoga, therapy if you think that will help you at this time (Research the therapist thoroughly).
I am in your corner all the way, now and for the rest of the journey.
I know about those who have won these battles and prevailed.
I celebrate your courage, strength, integrity, authenticity!