Learn Detachment from Narcissistic Spouse during Divorce

You have been married to a narcissist for three years, ten years, twenty years or more You have done everything to make it work. The harder you try the greater his reprisals and betrayals. You are weary, bordering on becoming chronically depressed and anxious over this non-relationship. After a last blow up and cruel projection by him, a false accusation that cuts through you—it is reckoning time. You have decided to divorce your narcissistic spouse.

As you prepare by obtaining the finest attorney you can—highly knowledgeable in family law, savvy about human nature, intellectually tough but well contained and highly articulate, you will benefit by learning the art and skill of emotional detachment.

Begin by knowing that most of what this person says to you is a projection coming from his unconscious. It is evidence of his self hatred. This is ejected on to you. Learn not to take it in by practicing ways to stay in the part of the nervous system that is calming. While he is running about in fight or flight, jarring your nervous system and scrambling your mind, you can practice each day how to stay centered. This is a definite skill and you will become accomplished. There are many avenues to this goal. One is meditation. Make this simple. Take a few minutes each day to sit in quiet where you will not be interrupted. Take several breaths through the nose. Inhale for a few seconds (do what is comfortable to you) hold briefly at the top of the breath, then exhale through the nose. The exhalation is calming so make it a little longer. Do any type of exercise that works for you. Be as consistent as you can. This quiets the nervous system. Then observe your breath as it naturally moves in at the tip of the nostrils and out. If calming music helps you with this process, listen as you meditate. Take a few minutes each day to write down your thoughts and feelings as they spontaneously flow. Writing is a mysterious process–let it go and become itself without any editing on your part. This process is both creative and helps you to distance yourself from the narcissist. Do not engage him unless you have to. Keep interchanges neutral as much as you can. For support go to a couple of friends whom you trust and care about you.

Do not share any of your plans with this person. He will use them against you. This provides greater psychological distance from the narcissistic spouse. If he goes into his screaming act, picture a two year old in tantrum mode who isn’t getting exactly what he wants. Metaphorically—leave him on the floor having one of his fits of rage. You disown this behavior. It is not about you. Be patient and loving with yourself.

I hear good news from the divorce front from women and men who have learned to detach, divorce and free themselves up to lead their own lives. Wishing you all the best. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International

Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Be Prepared Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

Many spouses wait years , even decades on a wild, treacherous ride with their narcissistic partner. As time passes they become more miserable, weary and wary about their marital partner. There are many rounds of couples therapy which do no good. In some cases the therapist sides with the narcissistic spouse and convinces you that you have the serious psychological problems that are causing problems with the marriage. Narcissists are so clever and such fine actors that they fool therapists with their charm and magnetism. After you have tried everything possible and are at a turning point, you make the decision to divorce your spouse.

I suggest you don’t announce your decision until you are fully prepared for every aspect of this event. In some cases that are particularly acrimonious the spouse has her/his attorney get in touch with the other side. Choosing the right attorney is of utmost importance. It is wise to interview several lawyers who specialize in divorce and family law. Get good referrals from your close friends but remember that everyone is an individual. It is your decision alone. In addition to the professional skills, knowledge and expertise of the lawyer, consider his or her personality. This individual must have a keen sense of the nature of the narcissistic personality. You want a lawyer who is calm, competent and your loyal advocate at all times. The attorney needs to be quick at perceiving some new ruse the narcissist and his attorney have hatched to sabotage you. One plan is to wear you down so far emotionally and physically that you are not up for the challenge. Make sure you take very good care of yourself especially during this time. Get your sleep, take time to be quiet and calm each day through meditation, gentle yoga, exercise, journaling—what works best for you. This is your time. Take full advantage of it. Keep focused on your personal, creative and professional strengths. Know that you will prevail.Turn to a few friends whom you trust completely and allow yourself to be nurtured by them. Some spouses that brief psychotherapy during this time is highly supportive and informative. When you form a strong therapeutic alliance with an excellent therapist it can make a great difference in moving through this process. Interview several therapists if that is necessary.

Take the upper road but be keenly aware that the narcissist is a street fighter who hits below the belt and can get down and dirty. You already know this from being married to him/her. Don’t be surprised at the outrageous lengths he will go to intimidate you or trap you or use a well hatched trick to take the financial assets that are lawfully yours. Protect your children by being tough and don’t lose your cool. The narcissist want you off balance and out of control so he can show how disturbed you are. He/she will lie about you. Know that the people who are truly your friends know exactly who you are and the others who believe him must be dismissed.

Give yourself credit. You are about to become free after years of psychological imprisonment. Call upon the warrior inside of you, the one who knows exactly who this person is and also knows that you will prevail.

To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Spouses Feed You Poison Every Day

It may come in an elaborate porcelain cup or a plain cracked bowl but the contents are the same—psychological poison. Every day that you live with a narcissist, you are putting yourself in the hands of a person who is incapable of love and who secretly hates you. Pathological narcissism is a severe personality disorder and must be taken seriously. Identifying a narcissist can be difficult, especially if they have a very attractive facade and know how to communicate well. They are often socially very smooth and are gifted at pretending that they are genuinely interested in you. Even when you marry a narcissist you are often unaware of how disturbed and destructive to your life they will be. Deep inside the narcissist loathes himself. He has no inner resources to turn to. As a result of his unconscious self hatred and emptiness he projects psychological detritus on to you. He is the perfect one; you are horribly flawed. These projections put in your cup day by day are drams of psychological poison that you swallow. How many doses of this nasty brew will you take?

You are at the narcissist’s disposal to satisfy his outrageous ego needs, burnish his image and if you have a highly successful career and profession, a stellar economic profile high level social connections, he will invite himself to use these as well. Narcissists are toxic. When we see a label that is marked poison, we are repelled and step away. The narcissist’s potion takes away your freedom, your confidence, siphons off your creative ideas. Some spouses of narcissists become physically ill as a result of their constant exposure to the narcissist’s vile nature. You can decide that you will not take this cup, that it is disastrous for you. You have the free will to say “No” and dispose of this blight upon your life. There are so many spouses who have made this choice and there lives are transformed as a result. They are free now to re-start their lives, to engage their creative gifts and to discover that there are genuine human beings who are waiting to meet them. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Repetitive Narcissistic Exploitation II

Exploitation is the narcissist’s middle name. They are always using others, especially spouses, ex-spouses, children and other family members to get their needs met not yours. Narcissists don’t care,are not interested and are closed off to your needs. They are over-entitled and have no hesitation about making demands from you constantly. This puts their spouses and children in continual emergency red button mode. Every moment is a fire drill. We become emotionally depleted and in some cases physically ill. Take care of yourself . Set boundaries with the narcissist and be consistent. He or she will step over these lines, cajole you into letting them have their way, intimidate and humiliate you. Don’t give in. Keep your emotional, psychological and physical distance(if possible) from the narcissist. Being in their presence is poisoning to you emotionally and psychologically. If you must be in touch with them, learn to detach from them by not over-reacting to their lies and the dramas that follow if they don’t get what they want. Let them put up a fuss like a baby in a high chair throwing his peas all over the floor. Don’t let their tantrums and threats overrun you. Stay steady through a practice of stillness, relaxation techniques, gentle yoga and meditation.

I have seen narcissists repeat their exploitive schemes. They are counting on wearing you down, getting you off center, making you lose your temper, on giving in. You can outlast the narcissist by remaining centered and grounded in your own values and destiny and having a support system. You have a separate life to which you are entitled. Give them no ground, no screams or snarling, no smirk and when appropriate no contact. Their goal is to engage and enrage and get you to lose control of yourself ; this spells weakness to them and the right time to pounce. You can continue to develop mastery over yourself. Work at your physical, mental and psychological health each day—it is a priority especially in counterbalancing the narcissist’s repeated exploitive attempts.

Give yourself credit for how you are handling this very difficult and at times impossible person. Take refuge within yourself, among your friends, in the solitude and beauty of nature and through your spiritual practice in the way that you define it.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists-Thickets of Lies

By the age of three a primitive conscience has begun to develop in the young child. The pathway this takes depends on the parents’ psychological attachment to the child, what the child is taught by example and through direct communication. At age eight or nine the conscience has developed considerably. The child can distinguish between right and wrong, possesses a sense of empathy for others or doesn’t.

Narcissists spend their lives lying in one form or another. Narcissistic children often emulate their narcissistic parent(s).Parents are models of behavior—good or bad, cruel or kind, truthful or untruthful. When a small child sees his parent tricking others and manipulating them through lies, it can become part of his psyche. The child watches his parent getting what he wants. Having it in your hand is the only thing that matters, not how you got it.

There are children of narcissists who observe from the time they are very young that what their mother or father was doing wrong. They have access deep within themselves—a moral compass, the ability to make fine discriminations between what is right, wrong, kind or cruel. I have been in communication with individuals who were in touch enough with themselves to understand that their parents were immoral, unethical and criminal.

When you marry a narcissist, conscience is not included in the package. Most spouses don’t recognize this vital part is missing in this person until they have been living with him/her for a while. Some partners make continual excuses for the the narcissist’s moral deficiencies.Narcissists lie every season of the year, night and day, to strangers, business associates, to friends, relatives, their children. Narcissists take lying to a new level, winding nimbly through the morass of lies they manufacture in split seconds. Narcissists tell a freshly manufactured story to different people within their circle. They create elaborate lies that work to maintain the relationship with a spouse whom they are choosing to keep for the moment. They may tell different lies to each of their children, depending on what they are expecting of them. If they favor one child above the rest, they pump this daughter or son with delusions of grandeur while demoralizing, demeaning and humiliating children who don’t make the cut from their perspective. They lie to wives, lies of omission about their mistresses and girlfriends. They lie to mistresses, telling them they will soon be signing the final divorce papers. Narcissists lie to business partners as they they make their power moves. They know precisely how to use the “right words” to damage the professional reputations of those whom they have called colleague for decades.

Some narcissists get caught in the thickets of this dark malevolence–too few, unfortunately. Most glide smoothly away, their “fine character” and professional capital neatly intact. This shows how gifted they are at the lying craft. The current narcissistic style, a valuable currency within today’s society assists them every time. This is especially the case if they are high level narcissists who are well connected to the power and economic sources within the culture.

Protect yourself from the narcissist’s lies and subterfuges. Study the narcissistic personality in detail, learning about all of tricks, games, ruses and acts in their vast personal armory. Take time to appreciate and understand who you are as a unique individual. This work can be done in a variety of ways: good psychotherapy, meditation practice, gentle yoga, restorative yoga, journaling thoughts, feelings, dreams, memories, fantasies, etc. Above all, be receptive to the voice of your intuition. It speaks the truth to you and tells you everything you need to know about others, especially those from whom you need psychological protection.

Intuition leads us to our creativity and to the calmness and peace of the spirit in the way that you define this for yourself. To learn about every facet of the narcissistic personality disorder, visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Marital Counseling with Narcissistic Spouses-Taking a Big Chance

Many men and women marry narcissists without knowing the truth about their personality structures. This is not surprising. Narcissists appear to have it all—the image of physical attractiveness, smooth social skills, charm, even charisma combined with great self confidence. What’s not to fall for. In the beginning the narcissist is very attentive to the partner he/she has chosen. Many of these masterful manipulators bend to your every wish, even anticipating what you want before you ask for it. They are lavish in their attention and giving. As time moves on, the emotional scene changes and you notice how demanding, perfectionistic, cunning and deceptive they are. For many spouses a time comes when the non-narcissistic spouse has reached a point where she can no longer tolerate marriage to this self absorbed unempathic partner. Some spouses want to save the marriage. They unwittingly believe that they are dealing with a normal person—someone who is willing to go into therapy with the best intentions and try to sort out the mutual and individual issues that will improve their marriage. This happens frequently and doesn’t have a favorable result.

It is your decision to enter couples therapy. My clinical experience has been that narcissists believe that they are superior, have no imperfections, that problems with the marriage belong to their partner. They will either refuse to go to therapy or if they do will sabotage the process. In some cases, they persuade the therapist to take their side. That’s the cunning of the narcissistic personality disorder.

Rather than trying to fix or change your narcissistic spouse, it would be more helpful to you, if you are seeking therapy, find an excellent counselor and see them one on one. It is important that this professional has studied narcissistic personality disorder in depth and has counseled many spouses who are married to these individuals. Think about your emotional and psychological welfare first and that of your children. There are solutions. They may not preserve the marriage but they will help you to reclaim your life, your emotional and psychological well being. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist’s Money Lust

We all have some lust in our hearts–for gorgeous clothes, sex, delicious food, exquisite jewelry. Many narcissists are obsessed with money lust. Of course, there is nothing strange about wanting to improve your financial situation. However, there are proper ways of going about this. For example, visiting Stocktrades.ca in order to learn how to invest effectively on the stock market would be sensible. Unfortunately, narcissists prefer to manipulate people in order to obtain more money. They are thinking about how much money they have, how to get more of it, how to keep it away from others, whom to manipulate to get more, including family members to take theirs. Money is their substitution for love, warmth, affection—for being authentic and human. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist’s constant goal. Thoughts about obtain more money never leave this person’s mind. Having lots of money makes them feel more entitled, superior to others, like a winner. Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on others who have not “made it.” It isn’t knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight they are seeking. It is knowing that they have achieved their greatest goal—being able to have whatever they desire and to attract other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money lust. One of the common scenarios is for one of the siblings, male or female, to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth, to become the confidante, the favored trusted one. This is done over many years and is well plotted. Slowly and surely this sibling becomes the executor of the parent’s will, convinces the mother or father to bestow upon him/her the largest amount of the inheritance (leaving the other siblings with a minuscule portion of the total). The narcissistic money luster puts tremendous pressure on his parent if that is necessary to seal the deal for himself. He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent to die (the sooner the better) so that he can carry away the entire estate and leave the scene to lead a life of pleasure and comfort. These greedy narcissistic siblings often abandon their own children and of course their spouses to move on to a life of elite uxury. They never look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have left behind. . They have gotten what they have wanted all of their lives. Despite this great victory the narcissist continues to experience the money lust deep inside his bones and is ready to pursue other unethical and often illegal financial misadventures. One of them is marrying a wealthy partner, causing them horrible stress and making this person to become psychologically dependent on them and at their mercy. The obsession to seek, obtain and control the fortunes of others never abates. It would be like trying to change the rhythm of the tides or the curvature of the earth. The narcissist never stops victimizing others, disrupting their lives, leaving them without monetary means, causing them unbearable distress and worry.

Learning about the narcissistic personality provides you with the insight to recognize these money vultures quickly. You will sense their vileness, like a noxious odor in the air. You will know what they are after—your financial resources, your social connections to people of means.

Study narcissistic money vultures in-depth. Identify them quickly. Show them the door immediately. If you are involved with one of them, learn to entangle yourself. Pursue your creative gifts, learn to develop inner peace through calming the body and mind. Sharpen your insight and pay close attention to your intuitions. They are coming through all of the time. We need to practice receptivity to these invaluable messengers of the truth.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissist’s Secret Envy

Narcissists, especially those who are highly successful, appear to glide smoothly through life, taking everything they can. They cheat people and get away with it, lie at every turn, manipulate everyone in their circle, especially family members, psychologically harm the most vulnerable around them and still are not brought to judgment. If they are very high level narcissists most of those who venerate these highly entitled individuals give them a pass despite all of the pain they cause others.

With all of their professional triumphs, constant adulation and financial success, narcissists secretly envy what they perceive they cannot have. Envy is a feeling of unease that becomes an obsession of coveting another’s success, possessions, public image and importance. People keep their envies secret. Narcissists would never share these feelings with anyone. We see this envy in their blood thirsty competitiveness. If they are worth hundreds of millions, they seek billionaire status like their brothers and sisters in this special enclave. Many narcissists are all about money. I have had the displeasure of sitting next to a high level narcissist at a dinner event. Besides a running litany of self, he spent most of the evening talking about money—his status and power, how clever he had been at acquiring money and his grandiose vision for accumulating larger sums and multitudes of material possessions. Conversations with narcissists are always one way streets—they do all of the talking and bragging. You cannot get in a word without being rude. If you manage a half sentence, they will interrupt you and move back to their favorite topic—themselves.

Narcissists secretly envy what they cannot have. On an unconscious level they know that they cannot ever have an authentic relationship with anyone, even their own children. This obsessive need is played out in their chronic restlessness and frenetic acrobatics from one relationship to another. Narcissists crowd their lives with constant activity that will bring them an abundance of narcissistic supplies, particularly praise and adulation. Envy fuels the narcissist’s rage. If he loses an important contract that is feeding his narcissism or is overlooked for a power position he has prized, the narcissist flies into a fury. He despises and envies the individual who bettered him. The narcissist doesn’t have any real relationships. Empty, shallow and alone, he leads a counterfeit life, unable to create a warm meaningful connection with anyone.

Having people in our lives whom we can count on and care about us deeply, have our welfare uppermost in their minds and are supportive of our growth as individuals is invaluable—worth more than every possession, material acquisition and accolade that the narcissist ever received. His/her world is delusional and inauthentic.

Your daily life is a testimony to your personal healing and growth, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually in the way that you define this. As you leave the narcissist behind feel your heart open, sense your creative juices flowing and be grateful to yourself for all of your hard work done with great integrity.

Rising Strong and Steady After Divorcing Narcissistic Spouse

You have spent years denying that you were married to a narcissistic personality. Don’t blame yourself. You couldn’t have known. You were serious about building and preserving your marital union. You tried so hard. It seemed to work for a while. Then the narcissist became “very difficult”–well, Impossible. and blamed you for everything that went wrong in his/her life. Narcissists only care about themselves. Everyone else including spouses and children are living narcissistic supplies that will get them to their goals of ultimate control and winning.

Now that you know that you were married to a narcissist and have gone through the painful divorce process, your life is beginning anew. It is a very rough ride for many toward recovery. You are exhausted from the marriage wars and the divorce hand to hand combat that in some cases goes on for years. You feel beaten up but you have won back your life. Take time for yourself to rest and recover. Don’t pay attention to anyone who is telling you to “Get over it.” Forget them. Pay attention to what your deep inner self iss saying to you.  “Take it slowly. Be kind to yourself. Rest and repose and quiet. Enjoy those whom you can trust and with whom you feel the most authentic. They have you back.” .

Heal at your pace. Honor your individuality. You are healing on every level-physical, mental, emotional, spiritual.

Develop routines that focus on your healing each day. Put yourself first!!!!!.  Don’t be judgmental. Be kind to yourself. Take time to be alone and quiet with yourself. You may want to meditate or write in a journal. Listening to soothing music lifts us out of obsessional thought and feeling patterns and brings us into a positive state where we can begin anew and feel refreshed. Find or create a small support group of people with whom you can share the truth and who care about you. Be appreciative of what you have been through. Work with your creative gifts which have been in cold storage during your marriage to the narcissist. Do a form of cardiovascular exercise that works for you.This increases endorphins, boosts the immune system and helps you to sleep. Many find that gentle yoga is a source of calming, strengthening and healing the body/mind. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will speak to you and offer wise words or present you with pictures or ideas, indicating the way forward for you. You deserve deep inner peace—claim it! It’s yours.

Married to a Narcissist—Become Self Entitled and Self Nurturing

Narcissists are pathologically self entitled. Their spouses are under-entitled. Some of them are treated like servants and accept these roles for decades, even at the expense of their physical, emotional and psychological health. The non-narcissistic spouse often doesn’t know that he/she is married to such a seriously disturbed human being. They make excuses and blame themselves. After all, the narcissist is always finding fault with them rather than where it belongs—on them. Narcissists pick away at their husbands and wives, causing tremendous stress. Many of these victims suffer from extreme anxiety and depression. They are jumping out of their skins with worry, wondering when the next metal shoe will drop. “When will he start screaming at me again?” Will he wake me up again tonight and go into one of his tirades?” “Deep down I hate myself because I can’t fulfill his wishes and demands.” Over and over again are the self accusations that are propelled by the narcissist’s constant verbal attacks.  This is all kept very secret due to the narcissist’s obsession with his golden image.

Once you have recognized that you are married to a narcissist you have a couple of options. You can try to stay in the marriage and learn how to remain psychologically distanced and detached from this person. That is very difficult. You can carve out a life of your own if that works with the marriage dynamics. Some couples do this. They are married in name only. The narcissistic spouse has a separate personal life. For most spouses it becomes impossible for them to stay married to the narcissist. They are becoming too depressed, stressed, terrified about the next foul display of rage, constant lies, psychological ambushes and humiliations.

The spouse decides to end the marriage and get a divorce.  This is scary and challenging but necessary if you want to lead the life that you deserve. Some spouses find that quality psychotherapy gives them the understanding, empathy and a plan of action that they need to move through this process. Part of what you are learning is new–self nurturing.  This is the source of your movement towards healing each day. You are entitled to get the sleep that you need, to live in a peaceful internal and external environment, to build a support system of individuals whom you trust and can count on. As you move past the divorce you discover and value your unique and precious individuality. It may take time to live within this new person that you are discovering.  So many ex-spouses of narcissists are relieved that now they can take a deep breath, use their creative gifts, sleep through the night peacefully, voice their opinions openly and freely and celebrate their newly retrieved lives.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation

Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com