Category: Divorcing Your Narcissist

Ever-Present Narcissistic Rage Projections–Psychologically Dangerous

In dealing with a narcissistic spouse, ex-spouse, mother, father, sibling, you are on a tightrope without a net.  You feel the anxiety building inside of your nervous system each time you anticipate an interaction.  You brace yourself for these events.  Sometimes you are surprised that the narcissist has pulled in his/her horns and comes across as emotionally neutral or stable.  (This post refers to male and female narcissists). At times you lower your guard only to find yourself in the middle of an explosive ugly scene. Once again, you are at fault; you made the huge mistake; you were stupid; you are insensitive and thick headed, etc. These abusive projections of narcissistic rage are endless.  Each time you think that the narcissist has changed and will be different, even civil.  These beliefs keep you tied to the narcissist, his or her source of supply that endangers you psychologically.

Children of narcissists grew up in these trauma producing families. Early on they were victims of narcissistic parental rage that never seemed to end.  To this day you can hear the narcissistic mom or dad or both screaming through your head, hurling accusations, epithets, insults and humiliations. I hear from many of them and it is surprising how empathic these adult children are.  They have survived this cauldron of pain and terror at great cost. Yet, they are remarkable human beings.

Narcissistic personality is fixed.  It does not change.  Along with it comes narcissistic rage.  There is no way around this.  Often narcissistic rage deepens with age and becomes more volcanic since the narcissist is living in psychological delusion and incapable of personal insight.

Separating out and individuating from the narcissist is essential to your personal, creative and spiritual growth. Appreciate who you are, act on your intuition and the knowledge that you have obtained about the true nature of the narcissist.

Free yourself, heal and recover.  You deserve to be at peace, to have relationships of trust and deep caring and the full use of your many creative gifts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Socialized Sociopaths in High Places

Socialized sociopaths are often exceedingly successful in the world and wield great raw power, have many admirers and loyal sycophants.  They have social and business contacts that are worthy of envy. (This post refers to male and female socialized sociopaths).

Socialized sociopaths draw psychological and emotional blood from their victims, leaving them mortally wounded. Without conscience or empathy, they commit numerous crimes throughout their lives and never get caught. (Don’t wait for karma to catch up with them).

Socialized sociopaths often have a high intelligence and a fine formal education.  From a young age the socialized sociopath knows he is superior to everyone: parents, siblings, friends.  The world and every individual is at their disposal.  People exist to provide them with whatever they want. When you have a “relationship” with a socialized sociopath, you are not in charge. These individuals are constantly projecting their venom on you, using cruel manipulations and deceits, using the ultimate weapon—Treacheries that destroy the lives of others.

With the sociopathic style taking over much of our world today and becoming fully acceptable with their excessive self indulgences, extreme self absorption, image obsession, projections of cold, dark disdain for those outside of their magical, delusional bubble, it has become smooth and easy for the socialized sociopath to move in and out of any social environment, undetected as a psychologically dangerous human being.

Socialized sociopaths are running our prestigious international corporations.  Some members of government fit this definition. There are so many venues where the socialized sociopath thrives: churches, spiritual growth programs, media, global finance, the healing professions. No one wants to speak too openly about socialized sociopaths in high places lest they be questioned and criticized.  When you observe the destruction that these individuals wreak it is shocking  and frightening but time to Wake Up!

Many people have a problem believing that a highly esteemed individual with great prestige and power, commanding respect and deference, could be so predatory and destructive to others.

Family members of socialized sociopaths are often unaware of the emotional and psychological criminality perpetrated in their private lives. The suffering they cause is monumental. As they lead privileged lives, they maintain their Deal with the Devil that remains intact.

Victims of socialized sociopaths–children, spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, business partners, tell horrific stories of their imprisonments at the hands of these merciless individuals. They spend their days in terror, apprehension, always waiting to see when and how they will be punished. Many victims remain in captivity–continuing to blame themselves for the evil perpetrated by the socialized sociopath. When we view them in terms of the horrors that they create, the word “socialized” begins to fade.

Those who free themselves from these vipers never look back. They come to love and understand the true self inside of them that has been waiting so long to move forward.  There is no perfect time to leave. Gather your strength, learn everything you can about their true nature, trust your intuition, take care of your physical health, turn to individuals whom you can trust for support and comfort, listen to the wisdom of your heart and soul.  Soar!

Narcissistic Spouse Determined to Annihilate You–Make Sure that You Survive and Thrive

A narcissistic spouse during a divorce is a menacing figure. With all of the pain, the deceit, manipulations and lies that you internalized and sustained during the marriage, when the narcissist is in the divorce phase an acceleration occurs in his/her cold animosity toward you. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) Be prepared for the revelation of an intensely ugly side of… this psyche. You feel the fury of his determination that you will lose everything: monetary assets, child custody agreements, your excellent reputation, your social connections, your living arrangements including property that you own as an individual. shockingly, I have seen this happen in some instances.

The narcissist initiates an all out war against you. He knows that you will go down–he will be the triumphant winner. Winning is the only thing that the narcissist knows besides his perpetual god—-money, property, social prestige, raw power over others. This is an extension of his extreme sense of self entitlement, grandiose inflated ego, blind ambition and lack of a developed conscience.
Narcissists Never Play Fair; this is not part of their psychic structure.

Avaricious before the divorce, the narcissistic spouse doubles down when he knows that the spoils of the marriage must be divided. I find that the multiple cruelties perpetrated during the divorce are legion. In too many cases the narcissist gets away with stealing what rightfully belongs to you, whether it is financial assets or the time that you are allotted by law to spend with your shared children. In many cases the narcissist pushes his argument vigorously to have his children (the ultimate narcissistic supplies) with him more frequently.The purpose of pressing this point is to reconstitute himself as a “good father or mother”, to use his children to bolster his impeccable image, to cause the other spouse horrible pain and primal trepidation that the children could be awarded by the court to the narcissistic personality.

Prepare yourself with in-depth knowledge about the true nature of the narcissistic personality. Remind yourself that you are not to blame, that you are dealing with a severe, fixed personality disorder that will not change but become more entrenched.

Practice self care religiously. Sleep, eat high quality food, exercise your way, keep things simple, practice quieting the body/mind, spend time with friends whom you trust, escape into beauty in Nature, Art, Film, Writing, etc.

Maintain a steady gaze forward— knowing that you are the keeper of the flame of truth, that you have great strength and stamina and are entitled to lead your life on your terms.

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Narcissist’s Hair Trigger Rage

Narcissists dish out their cruel visceral pathological projections. Their rage is always bubbling beneath the surface. When you criticize them in the mildest way they attack you back with a vengeance.  They eviscerate you emotionally and psychologically. Those married to narcissists have to watch them every moment to see when this person is going to erupt into overwhelming rage that knows
no end. This refers to male and female narcissists.

Over and over again the narcissist attacks unmercifully in a verbal manner that is primitive and dirty.  He/she gets in every dig and then some. He brings out your whole history and every transgression he can manage to make you the bad guy, the stupid one, the evil person, the malicious secretive spiteful human being whom he detests and that is so unlike him. (After all he is perfect). The incoming fire lasts an eternity. You can’t stand it. You are feeling sick from the impact of this bombardment. It feels like it will never end. You can’t escape–you are desperate.

You never know exactly when the narcissist will explode on to you. You watch the eyes that pierce through you, the brows  furrow, teeth are barred, the body posture that becomes militant and scary. You wait for the first verbal salvo. When the uproar begins, it is tsunamic—overwhelming everything in its pathway is swept away.

Nothing is sacred to the narcissist’s out of control rage. It doesn’t matter if you are physically ill, if the children are very young and emotionally fragile, if you are completely innocent and not at fault, if you have done your best to give this person the best part of your life–nothing matters, except this prolonged attack on you at this time.  This is the unleashing of the self-hatred of the very badly damaged real self of the narcissist in the form of psychological and emotional vomiting.

In some cases the narcissist starts trashing your home, throwing any item about that is within reach. He/she becomes manically carried away with the rage that controls every part of his being. Volcanic rage has a life and energy of its own. Just when you think it has subsided, it resumes with another cycle of assault and horror.

Those who are children of narcissists, who are married to them, divorcing them or siblings of narcissists, understand up close what it is like to be the recipient of this level of traumatic chaos.

At some point those who have suffered from the narcissist’s hair trigger rage will re-assess what this individual has done to them, the cruelties perpetrated, the years of your life they have stolen, the days and months of terror and struggle you sustain just to get up in the morning and go through the day and to repeat this routine each day, knowing that you are not free to be yourself, authentic, experience joy or calm, spontaneity or creative spirit.

You now know that the narcissist is not capable of changing and that you deserve a life separate from them. Put yourself first each day.  Go no contact. If you are married to a narcissist, do your research regarding a divorce. Do not share what you have learned with the narcissist. Do not let a lot of time go by. So often I hear from women and men who waited it out too long and either kept thinking that they were to blame or that the narcissist would change eventually if they were understanding enough.  None of this will work with them. This is a very fixed personality disorder that does not change. It gets more entrenched as the years go by.

Honor your own life.  Trust your intuition, your knowledge and your higher self.  Know that you can recover, heal and be free.

Narcissists Play Hide the Money during Marriage/Divorce

Narcissists are very cunning and “gifted” at spiriting away financial resources both during your marriage to and when divorcing a narcissist. The vicimized spouse is usually out-lawyered. Narcissists hire hard core legal barracudas who are so ruthless it makes your head spin. They are without conscience like their clients.

Narcissists are exceedingly greedy especially during a divorce. After all they want you out of their lives. They have moved on to other more “fulfilling” narcissistic supplies.

Even when you share children together, they are parsimonious, watching every penny that you spend. Contrarily, the narcissist goes on buying sprees, elaborate trips and treks, fancy parties and fetes. (This post refers to male and female narcissists).

It is during the time leading up to the divorce and when the papers are served and afterward, that money and other financial assets mysteriously disappear. Suddenly, the narcissist is using the “P” word–Poor!.

Victims of marriage to narcissists often assume that their former partner will negotiate and mediate fairly. Au contraire—The recipient of the financial largesse belongs to the narcissist from his perspective.

These complex situations are very difficult to manuever. First, make sure that you understand the narcissist and the darkness of his/her personality traits of deception, lack of conscience, lack of empathy, primitive projections, extreme control and manipulation on a deep level.

Prepare yourself for the divorce. Make sure that you interview several attorneys, including a jacksonville family law attorney or ones who have expertise in the area. Take their measure and pay close attention to your intuitive sense about them. This attorney must be your absolute advocate and understand just how manipulative, cruel, harsh, unfeeling and financially greedy this person will be during the divorce, don’t just agree to use the first lawyer you speak to, this is your future that you are trusting them with so you need to be sure the lawyer has your best interests at heart and not their billable hours. The best way to access a list of lawyers in your area is to carry out a search on your computer, if you live in Chicago search for Chicago Divorce Lawyers. The idea is simple really, everyone will be able to find a divorce lawyer near them if they just put in the right words in google, but for more ideas on what to do then keep on reading, for if you live in New York search for NY Divorce Lawyers; if you live in Los Angeles then you will want to search for LA Divorce Lawyers, for those who live in Massachusetts search for MA Divorce Lawyers, whevever you live just make sure to include your town, city or even state in your search term and that way you’ll be sure to find lawyers local to you. Next you need to review some of their websites don’t just phone the first one you come across, make a list of the ones that you like the look of and then call them, that way you are giving yourself the best chance to find a Divorce Lawyer that you will be comfortable in working with, one you can trust and one that you believe will have your best interest at heart, don’t let others make your mind up for you, remember it is your decision alone.

There is a time of reckoning when you recognize that you come first. You have spent a large portion of your life carrying the weight of the narcissist’s ego, responding to their outrageous demands, feeling the depths of sadness from their cruel projections and accusations.

This is a new cycle of your life—putting yourself first. Practice a program of caring for yourself. Pay attention to healing on every level–emotionally, psychologically, mentally and spiritually. You can restore your sense of hope and the anticipation of a renewed life. For some, practices of meditation, physical exercise, eating well, getting proper rest and sleep and using your creative gifts are a vital part of your recovery and evolution. You begin to feel self entitled and at ease with your individuality. This is your birthright.

Concealed Narcissists Are Psychologically Dangerous

One of the most difficult individuals to identify is the concealed or hidden narcissist. They are so clever at disguising their true intentions, lack of conscience, emotional threats to you. Often they appear to be humble and self effacing–butter doesn’t melt in their mouths. They give you just the right kind of attention that makes you feel that you are deeply appreciated and respected. You breathe a sigh of relief and believe that you have found someone whom you can trust. They have a way of putting you at ease and off guard. Concealeds are unlike their grandiose, “look at me” cousins. If anything, they appear to be quiet, undemanding and empathic. They have Ph.D.s in pseudo empathy. That’s how fine of an act they have honed down. You find concealeds in every population. Some thrive in religious circles, spiritual communities, in mental health professions, etcsta. However, they range the gamit in formal education socioeconomic status, social status and circles of influence.

The concealed narcissist possesses the same psychic structure as the grandiose, sun kings and queens that demand attention at stage center and are constantly commanding unlimited applause and adulation. That is the difficulty in recognizing them before they get their psychological hooks into you. They are very cunning and hold their personal cards close to the vest. They are masters of your emotional and psychological “tells”. I daresay some of them are phenomenal poker players.

Concealeds are clever at putting just the right flavors and amounts of their attention on to you. Some act like servants, individuals who are there to rescue you, who declare that without you their lives would lack meaning or value. Concealeds outwardly take the high moral ground. This is a ruse to impress you about their “fine” characters.

Once you are under their spell, you begin to feel the cruel darkness beneath their compelling, seemingly innocuous surfaces. They let the primitive projections fly and catch you off guard. You are shocked and rocked by the incoming waves of corrosive cruelties and psychological assaults. Then, when you think you cannot take it any more, the hidden narcisisst apologizes so convincingly that you let him/her back into your life. This back and forth pattern over months and years saps you of your emotional and psychological energy. But, many of you blame yourself. This is all backwards but you don’t realize that you are not at fault at all. You are on the receiving end of severe psychopathology.

To protect yourself from these hidden narcissists, study this personality structure in-depth. At the same time, start putting yourself first. Learn to take very good care of yourself. If you have not learned how to do this, especially if you were raised in a narcissistic family, it is time to start—-Now.

Know that the concealed narcissist is very difficult to identify. Put yourself first. Take care of yourself with the right amount of sleep, proper eating, an exercise program that works for you, guided meditation, high quality acupuncture, making Beauty and Nature in all of its forms a part of your daily life. Trust your intuition and insight always.

Narcissists Will Never Stop Lying to You

You want to believe them when they pull you back into their orbit after their horrible cruelties and betrayals. They know just how to talk to you, what your emotional needs are as well as your vulnerabilities. You are most likely a deeply caring, compassionate and empathetic person.  These are the ones that that they prey on the most. Although narcissists have no genuine insight, they have been practicing “playing people” all of their lives.

We don’t expect another person with whom we have shared are lives to be so deceitful and annihilating. That is because you are not thinking the way that a narcissist does. It is very important that you learn how these individuals function, what their goals are and what makes them tick. Remember–they are not like you so don’t expect them to tell the truth—ever. They lie by omission and commission. They deny the dreadful things they have done to you. They purposefully make empty promises under pressure to keep you by their side as a source of perpetual narcissistic supply–adulation, praise, validation, adoration.

Many narcissists are so charming and magnetic that with the power of their personalities and their attractiveness, they can convince you that they are telling the exact truth even when they are lying through their gorgeous white teeth.

Narcissists don’t develop a conscience. What is right or wrong for them is based on whether they can get away with something that is often immoral and unethical and even illegal. They don’t have a sense of limits. They are always right and perfect. They view others as inferior to them, boring, stupid, foolish and ignorant.

When you pay close attention to your intuition you will know when the narcissist is lying to you to get you back, to intimidate and humiliate you, to blame you, to project his/her volcanic rage on to you.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Honor who you are as an authentic, creative and grounded individual. Learn to take very good care of yourself —physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Put yourself first.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissists Leave Their Families in Psychological, Emotional and Financial Turmoil

Narcissists live strictly for themselves. They bring individuals into their lives–spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings, friends, business associates, to play “roles” that build and enhance their grandiose images and masks of their ubiquitous false selves. Narcissists are disingenuous, incapable of being true, real or authentic.

Narcissists create chaos, pain and destruction wherever they go. Those who have grown up as children of a narcissistic mother or father, know this story too well. I hear from so many of these children and the tales are hair-raising. Children are emotionally and psychologically neglected, treated like dirt or in the other extreme–chosen as perfect living replicas of themselves–These are the golden children who are picked from the rest of the pack for their physical beauty or handsomeness, intellectual brightness, athletic potential, social graces–they embellish the narcissist’ self-image. On the opposite end are the children who are treated with derision and scorn, those who are beaten verbally or physically, neglected and cast out as “inferior” from the day they were born. They are the outcasts, the prodigals, the wretched ones of the family. The narcissistic parent has no problem inflicting severe levels of pain since he/she doesn’t have a conscience and no capacity for empathy, compassion or guilt.

During the sickening lengthy divorce battles, narcissists are particularly nasty. They fear that they won’t get everything to which they are entitled. They expect to win over the opposing spouse and if this involves devastating the lives of their children and other family members, this is of no consequence to them. They are in a no-prisoners mode, nothing is going to stop them; they are heavily lawyered up and hell-bent to take everything in reach, even if they are not legally entitled to it. It is important in circumstances like this that the non-narcissist spouse is well prepared with a good lawyer of their own, such as Diamond & Diamond (https://diamondlaw.ca/family-lawyers), for example. It can be a very difficult time and the spouse of a narcissist might find the ordeal too painful and want to give in to the narcissist, but with a good lawyer, the chances of this are slimmer. Custody battles are particularly nasty. Narcissists often drag them out over many years to wear the other party down, manipulate the children to their side and attempt to destroy any positive relationship with the other parent. They play games with the children, ensuring them that they are the good parent, can and will provide the kids with whatever they want and need. This puts the children in a severe psychological bind as they are whipsawed between one parent and the other. Eventually, the formal divorce comes to an end but not without enormous emotional and psychological fallout.

If you are the child of a narcissist, married to or divorcing a narcissist or have any relationship with one of these toxic individuals, your greatest asset is the power of knowledge. The more that you understand the narcissistic personality in-depth, stop blaming yourself for all of the damage and destruction he has caused and learn to appreciate your real self deeply, the sooner you will begin to heal and move forward with the life that you have always deserved.

Merciless, Greedy Narcissistic Spouse Cannot Love You

The narcissist is gifted at presenting an attractive, compelling, fascinating, convincing false self. It is very difficult to understand how this person who is so charming, bright and who appears to have fallen for you is incapable of truly loving another individual. The narcissist is “self” centered. Everything revolves around them. (This post refers to female and male narcissists). From the beginning the narcissist was playing a role. In some cases he was the Chosen Child–the Star, the Golden One, the Savior of the Family. In other family constellations the narcissist struggled to fit in with the rest of the family players. In order to win the childhood survival game, he developed a compelling, magnetic false self that drew people to him. He learned how to captivate others, almost like putting them under a spell. Especially if the young narcissist is physically attractive and bright and talented, he or she can develop the skills necessary to manipulate and control others. This begins within the family and moves outward into every region of the budding narcissist’s life.

Narcissists are ravenous for attention, praise, adulation and in many cases wealth and sources of power and influence. Deep down they are unable to form genuine relationships, including the role of a spouse in a marriage. They are so entitled and obsessed with self that others, including their spouses, only count as a source of perpetual veneration and praise. For the narcissistic spouse the husband or wife is a possession, a person to be molded to fit the perfect image that the narcissist has created for this individual.

Some of those married to narcissists spend decades in these highly constricted, abusive roles. They are kept in an emotional and psychological strait jacket. They live in delusion and fear, always checking in with the narcissist to make sure they are following his rules.

Those who are married to narcissists are possessed by them. They are tightly held with “rules” that are written in stone by the narcissistic spouse. There is no authentic love taking place in these pseudo relationships. In some instances the victimized spouse awakens to the knowledge that he or she is married to a serious personality disorder that is not going to change, that her life has been eclipsed, her creativity squelched, her sense of self abbreviated.

It is a profound awakening to know that the man or woman to whom you are married is incapable of loving you, of valuing you as a unique individual who deserves warm emotional and psychological reciprocation. With a narcissist, there is no give and take—They take greedily and mercilessly, leaving you in a weakened exhausted state.

Don’t wait for the endgame with the narcissist. Recognize this person for who he is—a severe personality disorder that is fixed like steel–impenetrable.

Turn to yourself–recognize and appreciate fully how genuine you are, how gifted and bright you are, the beauty of your warm open heart, your deep capacity for real love. Put your feet, head, heart and soul on your unique life healing, restorative pathway.

Narcissistic In-Laws Attempt to Destroy Your Marriage

I have heard many life stories about the chaos and emotional and psychological destructiveness of narcissistic in-laws.  This includes the mother-in-law narcissist, the father-in-law narcissist or the narcissistic couple.

When we get married it can be very difficult to know if our prospective in-laws are narcissists. Yes, they may be self-absorbed or entitled or too entranced with the golden child you married. In the beginning everyone was playing the “good behavior” role. Some spouses get a glimpse of coming psychological attractions before the vows are spoken. Most of us are too distracted with the wedding plans and thinking of the meaning of the upcoming marriage and let these warnings pass through our consciousness.

The cracking of the familial perfect face begins with one of the narcissistic parents demanding tremendous amounts of time and attention from the “beloved son or daughter” and giving you the cold shoulder or the silent treatment or outright cold unwarranted criticism. Eventually this leads to scenarios of my way or the highway. This becomes particularly ugly and the couple starts to argue frequently. The golden boy or golden girl narcissist often responds to the family demands since he or she has been the King or Queen of this feudal kingdom since birth.

The spouse who is out in the cold is further criticized and ostracized by the narcissistic in-law(s). Finally a reckoning comes and a decision often must be made–whether to stay in a marriage where you are being constantly abused and mistreated or to move forward and sever the marital relationship.

Meanwhile the narcissistic relatives are relishing your marriage unraveling, knowing they will get their perfect son or daughter to come back to them alone–where he or she belongs. Narcissistic in-laws think of their children as possessions who belong to them and no one else, including a spouse.

Quite often these circumstances do not have a happy ending for the newly married couple. It is better to cut your losses in most cases if you know that your spouse is more wedded to narcissistic mom or dad than to you. You will never win against this deep level of psychopathology.

After you have made your decision to end the marriage and get a divorce, you begin to heal from the relationship you thought you had with this person you had picked to share your life. Pay close attention to your intuition as you go forward. Remember, you come first. This is essential.