A narcissistic spouse during a divorce is a menacing figure. With all of the pain, the deceit, manipulations and lies that you internalized and sustained during the marriage, when the narcissist is in the divorce phase an acceleration occurs in his/her cold animosity toward you. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) Be prepared for the revelation of an intensely ugly side of… this psyche. You feel the fury of his determination that you will lose everything: monetary assets, child custody agreements, your excellent reputation, your social connections, your living arrangements including property that you own as an individual. shockingly, I have seen this happen in some instances.
The narcissist initiates an all out war against you. He knows that you will go down–he will be the triumphant winner. Winning is the only thing that the narcissist knows besides his perpetual god—-money, property, social prestige, raw power over others. This is an extension of his extreme sense of self entitlement, grandiose inflated ego, blind ambition and lack of a developed conscience.
Narcissists Never Play Fair; this is not part of their psychic structure.
Avaricious before the divorce, the narcissistic spouse doubles down when he knows that the spoils of the marriage must be divided. I find that the multiple cruelties perpetrated during the divorce are legion. In too many cases the narcissist gets away with stealing what rightfully belongs to you, whether it is financial assets or the time that you are allotted by law to spend with your shared children. In many cases the narcissist pushes his argument vigorously to have his children (the ultimate narcissistic supplies) with him more frequently.The purpose of pressing this point is to reconstitute himself as a “good father or mother”, to use his children to bolster his impeccable image, to cause the other spouse horrible pain and primal trepidation that the children could be awarded by the court to the narcissistic personality.
Prepare yourself with in-depth knowledge about the true nature of the narcissistic personality. Remind yourself that you are not to blame, that you are dealing with a severe, fixed personality disorder that will not change but become more entrenched.
Practice self care religiously. Sleep, eat high quality food, exercise your way, keep things simple, practice quieting the body/mind, spend time with friends whom you trust, escape into beauty in Nature, Art, Film, Writing, etc.
Maintain a steady gaze forward— knowing that you are the keeper of the flame of truth, that you have great strength and stamina and are entitled to lead your life on your terms.
8 thoughts on “Narcissistic Spouse Determined to Annihilate You–Make Sure that You Survive and Thrive”
thanks,,, so many of us victims[sic] are highly sensitive and can read a situation correctly, we end up isolating because we know that our’s and our loved one’s lives will get all screwed up worse if we try to break up normally… just the suggestion of breaking up brings on a series of manipulations from the narcissist.. but, there are few definitive guides to what the narcissist is really going to do.. We have certain patterns that we can guess will get played out, but we also know that just when we think the narc has no more tricks up their sleeve, they throw out an even higher hurtle for us to leap over.(too many of us have been pushed face first because we didn’t understand the rules and it’s hard to get back up after that, suddenly the reason for getting up is no longer because it’s a growing thing to do, but because getting up is a protection move and we’re cornered).. The game is too hard to play and I didn’t want to play in the first place.. I didn’t know that trying to quit the game, started a whole new game but this time everything that I own and love is at stake.. and I didn’t want to play in the first place..
That is so TRUE!!
I am going through this very things with my ex. Two years since I filed on him, and still we are not done with everything.
The lies are so hurtful and devastating. I really didn’t see the full scope of what he was until I got out of that situation and looked at it, us, our whole shame of a marriage, from the outside. So. Many. Lies!! My daughter was killed when she was 10yrs old. At the time I couldn’t imagine anything worse. This divorce is so much worse.
All the manipulation, deceit, just flat-out hate-filled vengefulness is astounding. I was so unprepared for what he would do to build himself up; or try to build himself up. Thankfully what he says is so far off that most people know that he is lying, but still… it’s not so much whether people believe him or not. It’s just the fact that he would say all these lies begin with. It is so hurtful!! And it doesn’t stop….It just keeps coming.
I am learning about this personality disorder since he was ‘officially’ diagnosed. (He paid for us to have a Custody Evaluator come in and make a recommendation to the court for the custody of our children.) He was so sure that he was going to take them away from me because I am the one who is ‘so unstable’. Well, that completely backfired on him when he was diagnosed with obsessive- compulsive disorder, histrionic, and narcissistic behaviors. ….Yeah, look that one up; not just one, but all three.
These people just cannot stop lying. It is so exhausting to have someone constantly telling lies to try and discredit and tear you down.
It is So. Important. to surround yourself with a good support group, stay focused on the positive things in your life and Be. Thankful. that at least you don’t have to live in the same house with him anymore.
Now… if only I could protect my kids on their every-other weekend visits. That is something I did not think all the way through when I filed on him; there is always some sort of visitation. You don’t have a choice and you won’t be there to protect them. I’m not saying stay with the obsessive-compulsive, histrionic, narcasistic, piece of crap, poor excuse for a human being (that’s definatly worse for you and your kids). Just gather as much information about them as you can before you leave. Keep a journal, make recordings, take pictures, etc. It may not be in ‘your’ nature to do these things, but do it anyway. I did do that some, but I wish I would have gotten more. It all comes down to what you can prove. If you don’t have proof the judge can’t tell if he is the one lying or if it’s you who is lying. In all fairness to the judge, he only sees either of you for what? A handful of hours tops? That’s not enough time to see a narcasistic, compulsive liar for what they are. Protect yourself with proof.
Best of luck to all those out there dealing with this. You are not alone and you can make to the other side, stronger and better for having survived! 🙂
Thank you again Dr. for a positive, encouraging, and informative post. This blog has been so helpful on my long journey towards healing! 😉
Thank you! In the trenches of divorcing my narcassis abuser. The lies he tells are awful and hurtful and he gives us zero money. It amazes me he can buy things for himself but not food for his children! I love these post so much. They truly help me.
Thank you for four years of great advice, insight and guidance. I want all of you to know that even if it appears they are winning, they lost. We can go on, rebuild, and build character and strength. We can love, feel and give of ourselves. Yes, there will be challenges but it is worth it!! You learn about people who are not very nice and you learn how great you are, inside and out!! This proved to be the best pain I ever endured. God brought me through!!
Great advice. My ex npd wife has a diseased black soul. I can’t begin to describe the depth of her covert emotional abuse, treachery, ruthlessness and cold empty state. She had the same job for many years and to the outside world she is a beautiful soul who was married to a bum. I’m not, I’m a hard worker and good provider to my son. Being married to her was horrable, being separated was a horrable ride on the covert abusive train, she made access a nightmare, as long as she had total control of the access, she was okay, as okay as an npd can get. The scale of nice starts at mean. When I stood up to her, a look came on her face, her eyes got as big as saucers, very scary. In the past 9 months, I had to take her back to court, I was awarded great access, she met a new bf, co worker. ( a nice man). She is, if it’s possible, unbelievably horrible, I went no contact, she is trying to gain control of my access and I’m not budging, she’s recruiting her bf, he’s getting to involved, she using mental abuse on me through text ( I’m very soft hearted ) and in a most sinister was, working on my son. In the past I new nothing about npd, I figured I wasn’t doing enough, all I had to do was try harder to show her I was a good man. I provided a clean heart and she provided the sex and evil manipulation. The discard was beyond words of cruelty.
Dr. Linda Martinez-Lewi: Thank you so much for your blogs, they really help a lot. I’m still 5 years trying to recover after a terrible malignant narcissist tried to bust up two families. He was a middle aged married man with kids at home and kept pursuing all the younger women at the office. He called his wife an old witch, menopausal dried up shrew, basically only good for cooking, cleaning, and baking pies. He would not leave any women under 30 alone!!!! Every day he was asking sexual questions, making remarks about porn. He stole company money, he formulated his own companies right down the block from people he got fired from previously, he lied to 3 or 4 other business partners, he stole about $20k from another partner, he cheated on his wife more than once. But, he would play the good old church found God and Jesus type of guy. He loved triangulating women and then dumping all of them. Would laugh and carry on like life was a big old joke or party without anything left to lose. Nothing or no one was immune or mattered, only seen as a means to an end. They cause some much hurt, drama, chaos, destruction yet appear to be loving, caring, which is very scary and manipulative. Wolves in sheep’s clothing is very scary! Glad to be done with it all, although PTSD sucks.
So great to read similar stories, particular things that I thought only were seen by me, the ability to lie, the ability to sell themselves as perfect and to the spouse as a low value person, how easily people buy the perfect picture, the scary Big Eyes as saucers when she needs to get you back in the game, the ability and need to catch another nice person, etc. So nice to be outside the circle now, a little bit worried about ignoring how this situation can affect my son. Thanks for sharing the space to know about NPD.
Comments are closed.