Oops! Your Covert Narcissism Is Showing

Individuals who are adult children of narcissistic parents, spouses of narcissists, ex-spouses and siblings of narcissistic personalities are often victimized for long periods of time before they recognize that they are not to blame for the the psychological and emotional pain perpetrated by them. (This blog post refers to male and female narcissists).

So often we wave off the intuitive truth about the intrinsic nature of the covert narcissist who is making our lives a moment to moment excruciating experience. Over and over again we are mired in the mud of deceit, manipulation, exploitation, endless lying, psychological ambushes of every length and degree of agony.

All along the covert narcissist expands the velocity and depth of his psychological assaults on his victims. These individuals become mired in anxiety, fear and guilt. They are slowly worn down and exhausted. As they become more emotionally fragile, they are likely to bow to the steel willed, merciless, ruthless machinations of the covert narcissist.

Eventually, you become clearly receptive to incredible moments of repeated insights along with reading in depth about the true nature of the covert narcissist.  During this time, victims of these cruelties finally say to themselves – “Oops, your covert narcissism is showing!” This is the moment of truth that comes through your consciousness to rescue you from years of repetitive psychological, emotional and financial abuse.

Hold on to the golden cord of your intuitive insights, the diligence of your research and your courageous, strong, fine character.

This is the time of reckoning. Your life is turning around and now you have the opportunity to move on the road to your psychological, emotional and spiritual evolution.

Give yourself tremendous credit for the life experiences you have endured and survived. You deserve every great kudo! Take very good care of yourself each day. Get the best sleep, hydrate, balance great nutrition with exercise that works for you. Align yourself with individuals of character who care about you. Rest when you need it, listen to lovely music and always laugh at each magic opportunity. You are terrific!

 

Secret Treacheries of Covert Narcissistic Siblings

Treachery is a mortal betrayal of trust, especially among family members. Covert narcissists are sly, smooth and sneaky–very difficult to detect.

When the Covert Narcissist is your sibling, you are destined to have a painful and tumultuous relationship with him/her. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists). This is particularly galling if the sibling is the golden child of the family, the chosen one who can do no wrong, always wins and wears the family crown from birth. Mother and father never corrected their “darling” since he was viewed and treated as perfect–someone for you to emulate.

The life stories I hear from children who have had covert narcissistic siblings are horrific. From the beginning the scapegoated child was at the mercy of the covert sibling who taunted, tricked, terrified and threatened his victim. There are scenes of a small child being locked in a closet for hours while parents were away or oblivious. Getting pinched, scratched, smacked, dragged was the order of the day in some households. Of course the perpetrator was never caught and if it was obvious that the golden monster was guilty, the parent covered it up and in some instances blamed the victimized child for simply being present.

As the covert narcissistic sibling reaches adulthood, the psychopathology remains unchanged and the victimization of the sibling continues in a cruel, cunning form. Narcissists are often obsessed with money–It is their god, their compass, their identity.  They are convinced that any assets belonging to the parents belong to them alone. They spend years plotting how they will pilfer every cent belonging to the parents, leaving the other siblings without a penny.  I have witnessed this behavior often; it is ugly and dark. The covert narcissist through a series of cunning manuevers gains control of the family estate. Over time, using pseudo charm and empathy with just the right vintage of pressure and intimidation, convinces the parents that he is the only family member who can be trusted with financial matters. By the time that the other siblings discover that they have been divested of their inheritance, it is too late.

Narcissistic siblings stop at nothing to snatch the gold, the cash, the property, the jewelry, stocks, trusts, etc. Nothing slows them down. They are giddy grabbing the loot. They are devoid of shame, conscience or mercy. In the aftermath the sibling(s) on the losing end is shocked, exhausted and depleted. In some cases these individuals develop health problems as a result of the severe chronic stress of coping with the emotional, psychological and financial treacheries of the covert sibling.

Knowing now that your sibling has a severe personality disturbance is the beginning of unraveling, healing and reconstituting yourself. The first step is to appreciate that young child who survived despite the painful treacherous years and the innumerable ordeals and traumas that you experienced.

Recognize the strength and courage of your true self and know now that you will continue to heal, grow and evolve. Put yourself first and take time each day to move into the calming part of the nervous system where you feel deep inner peace. Get the nourishment, sleep, downtime, creative time, fun time that you need and deserve.

Breaking the Pattern of Marrying Covert Narcissists

I have communicated with many clients and readers and people whom I meet who tell me that they keep marrying, divorcing and then marrying another covert narcissist. How could they have known that they would repeat this hurtful psychological pattern. They should not blame themselves. It is extremely difficult to recognize a covert narcissist, especially if he is at the top of his game. (This post refers to male and female narcissists). By this I mean that the Covert has been practicing his superb part since he was very young. Whether he was the golden child, the forgotten one or even the scapegoat–this individual has identified as a false self most of his life. The covert narcissist learned early to camouflage his true feelings and thoughts. Even more so, as a golden child he was from birth, regal. Everything is handed to the child of pure gold. He or she can never do wrong. These kids are perfect even when they bully their siblings, treat playmates cruelly and make unseemly demands on everyone in their lives.

You as the current or former spouse of a covert narcissist feel confused and dismayed that you continue to be attracted to and then marry covert narcissists. This is a current familiar theme that runs through many of my conversations with those who have repeated this pattern in their relationships. First, give yourself credit for recognizing this pattern of behavior. Know that you will be able to spot the Covert next time and not become involved with him as a partner of any kind, even a friend. Narcissists are incapable of any kind of emotional and psychological empathy. I find that many of those who are attracted to and then marry covert narcissists are highly empathic individuals. What a mismatch! For the narcissist this makes great sense; he can have anything he wants from you and give nothing in return. The covert narcissist makes incessant demands, demeans you, tears you down when you are at your lowest ebb.

After going through painful ordeals throughout a number of years, many of those chronically victimized in their marriages recognize that they must separate and divorce the covert narcissist.  After the divorce is final and you have moved forward with your life, you will be grateful that you made this decision. As you renew yourself you will never look back.  Finally, you have learned to value your unique individuality and your many gifts.

Continue to grow as an individual and learn to appreciate your authenticity and uniqueness. Spend as much time as you can in the recovery, healing, transformative part of the nervous system. Here you will feel deep inner peace, security and optimism. Embrace the flowering of your unbounded creative gifts and energies.

 

 

Covert Narcissists Re-Traumatize Their Victims

The covert narcissist is a dark genius at re-victimizing his/her human targets.  Whether you are married to or divorcing a covert narcissist, you feel riddled with terror and dread most of the time. You are stuck in the fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system zone and feel neither safety nor comfort.

I have spoken and communicated with many individuals who are suffering horribly – emotionally, psychologically, physically and spiritually as a result of the accumulation of stress and distress over years of being the object of vile, pernicious projections by the Covert. (This post refers to male and female covert narcissists.)  The pain is deepened by the fact that the covert is gifted at concealing his multiple cruelties, manipulations and deceptions.  Lies roll off of his tongue automatically and everyone believes  him.  You are always left holding the bag. Even your own family may not believe that you know and are telling the truth about this covert viper.

After listening carefully to your intuition and doing your research, have faith in yourself to take action to remove yourself from the hellish life that you are leading.  You are in a no win, non-relationship. The covert narcissist cannot and will not change.  It is your call to press the reset button and begin to make your plans in secret to leave this individual. Be careful about the people with whom you share this information. You will find a few individuals (even one is good) whom you can trust and who will support you.

Take time to appreciate who you are as an individual, a wonderful human being who deserves to lead a life in inner peace, freedom and emotional and psychological security.

Take time to do your form of prayer and meditation, listening to healing music, doing spontaneous writing, exercise in the way that works for you, getting the sleep that you deserve and taking rests when you need them.  This is very important because you must  fill up your reserves so that you will move through this period of your life to a new tempo, one that is calmer, kinder, beautiful and loving.

I know so many wonderful individuals who have taken this journey to freedom and dynamic peace. Climb aboard – We are waiting for you to ride with us.

Covert Narcissists: Scheme Your Downfall in Secret

Covert narcissists are incapable of forming and maintaining genuine relationships.  So often I speak with clients who have unwittingly married a covert narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)

There is no way the innocent party could have known that this individual is a narcissist.  In the case of the Covert it is exceedingly difficult to discern the true nature of this wolf in sheep’s clothing.

The covert narcissist is masterfully clever at concealing his malicious, dark, cruel traits.  The Covert is an expert at presenting himself as charming, giving, kind, genuine, empathic and psychologically grounded.  The charm offensive of the Covert is acted out with perfection: a Broadway level performance.

The Covert is above all, Secretive.  These individuals lead several lives at one time.  You have been chosen by them to provide the maximum in narcissistic supplies. You offer an excellent external image. You come from a fine family, are well educated, physically attractive, are socially adept, professionally successful– and the long list goes on and on. You are the perfect “catch” for this person who has calculated your value to him from the beginning.

Soon after the marriage, trouble begins with the narcissist’s drumbeat demands, devaluing, demeaning manner. He picks away at your “faults.” These are manufactured by the narcissist to weaken your sense of self, to lower your self respect, feelings of optimism.

The Covert narcissist knows who you are and exactly how he will tear down your psychological and emotional reserves.  He must extract the maximum amount of narcissistic supplies out of you before he discards and replaces you with someone else.

All the while the covert narcissist is plotting and scheming to control, manipulate and eventually bring you down emotionally, financially, psychologically and physically.  Some of those who are married to Coverts develop chronic illnesses as a result of the accumulated stress, fear, depression and trauma that they have internalized over many years.  At these times that the covert narcissists doesn’t want to deal with you anymore.  When you are at your lowest ebb, he is tap dancing with high energy and a complete lack of care or concern for your well being.

After the narcissist has taken everything from you and more, you are left alone, discarded, disheartened and in some cases, physically ill.

The covert is so secretive and clever that the victim remains unaware of what has happened to them.  Some of those who contact me even say that it was all their fault. Never blame yourself for marrying a covert narcissist.

Know that you can heal from this dreadful series of ordeals, that you will recover fully: emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually.

Begin by putting yourself first. Start getting the sleep you need and deserve.  Eat in a balanced way that works with your biochemistry.  Exercise in the way that works best for you. As you recover, always remember to pay close attention to your intuition–it is the voice of the absolute truth.  Some healing modalities are acupuncture which balance the body, mind and spirit, restorative yoga, gentle walking, being in Nature, finding people who respect you as an individual and whom you trust.  Take time each day to put yourself in the calming part of the nervous system through some form of meditation, prayer, affirmations, etc.  You decide what opens the doors to being calmer, more comfortable and gentler inside of yourself.

You are entitled to heal fully and to use your many creative gifts.  You have turned on to a new pathway: one of hope, health, beauty and a source of continued evolution and transformation.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Mothers Divide and Conquer

Narcissistic mothers are one woman armies of human destruction. They
are an elite team of ninja killers of the psyches of their children. One
narcissistic mother does more psychological damage than you can
imagine. I read and hear life stories every day about those who have
survived the narcissistic battles of childhood. One of NM’s cruelest
tactics is turning one child against the other. She will assure her son
that he is the special one and then tell the older daughter that she has
been chosen. After all, she is gorgeous, bright and talented. She pits one child against the other. This highly dysfunctional family is in a state of endless psychological war.

The narcissistic mother ties her psychological twin to herself like an appendage. These children have special privileges, no psychological boundaries, no empathy, no developed conscience. They are sent to the finest schools, showered with praise and adulation, never questioned about their brutal sadistic behavior toward their siblings. Even when “mother”  is a witness to these treacheries, she turns a blind eye. For her, the chosen one is the ultimate narcissistic supply.

The golden child learns from mom to taunt and terrorize the other children.
Between the two of them, it is a sinister game—a sadistic one.
In these families it is every child for himself. The brother or sister who
is savvy and has the opportunity, escapes as early as possible. Some
children find other adults whom they trust and help them to move, get
jobs, training, go to college, etc.

As the years go by, hatred between the siblings grows and hardens. The narcissistic
mother remains Ruler of the dissembling process.

You are entitled to rescue yourself from this psychological gulag.  Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Get in touch with your true self, that part of you that that is authentic, genuine and creative.  You are entitled to lead your life with grace, inner peace, the full use of your creative gifts.