Narcissists Destroy Their Families

When you meet a narcissist—especially a very smooth attractive one–you would never guess that he/she is decimating his family—spouses, children, siblings, in-laws, grandparents, etc. Narcissists go viral. Their venom spreads out to every family member. There are some individuals who even as small children know that there is something very wrong with their mother or father, that this person is toxic to them. They keep their emotional distance from this person whom they are asked to call mother or father. Some family members survive by becoming invisible. As soon as they are able they spend long periods of time away from their home. Some find hiding places in their rooms or outside. They learn how to avoid their own parent.

Other family members–spouses and children–go along with the pathological thinking and behaviors of the narcissistic parent. They will tell you how much they love the narcissistic parent who is crushing them. They have never made a psychological separation from this poisonous person.

Some adult children of narcissists are still holding on to a non-parent who has hijacked their lives. Some children in the family are chosen to be the special ones who represent the narcissist’s power,brilliance, talent, physical attractiveness and magnetism. Many consider them the lucky ones. They are treated like little gods but they are not real people. They are pariahs who are allowed to emotionally harm their siblings. They are raised to the heights by the parents and believe they are perfect and superior. They treat their siblings like dirt, lie about them, get them into serious trouble with the narcissistic parent, etc.

These dark narcissistic family patterns do not stop. Fortunately, there are individuals within these families who grow up to be genuine, solid, kind and productive human beings. Your best offensive is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality and learn to take very good care of yourself.

Don’t Blame Yourself for Your Narcissistic Parents

Some victims of narcissistic parents–mother or father or both, blame themselves for not being perfect. They live the guilt of not meeting their parents’ expectations. These demands on the part of narcissistic parents are delusional. Even if you had reached perfection by their standards it would never have satisfied them. As the child of a narcissistic mother or father you remember that making your greatest efforts to satisfy their expectations of your perfection was never enough. You were criticized, demeaned and humiliated. Even when you had straight A’s in school they chided you for not participating in enough extracurricular activities or being a loner. You were not social and popular–another failure from their deluded perspective. The invented ways of pulling you down when you needed acceptance and support. This was the result of your parent(s) psychopathology as a narcissist personality. It had and does not represent your true nature.

Many victims of narcissistic parents are haunted by feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness as a result of innumerable verbal assaults on them as children and adults. Some of these adult children make the decision to sever their relationship from the narcissistic parent. They cannot and will no longer tolerate this level of verbal abuse and the collusion of their parent(s) with other relatives to ruin your reputation.

You have a unique individual life that belongs to you–many talents and gifts that you can use to enrich your life. You have opportunities for loving relationships with those who will care deeply about you and love you for yourself. Think about this; you can be free. You are not defined by your family of origin but by your unique true self. Learn to appreciate your true nature and to calm the young child’s heart inside by doing a practice of some form of quieting the mind through guided meditation, simple yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose to activate the calming part of the nervous system. Get your creativity going with music that you love, art in any form, dance, singing, spontaneous writing, finding ways to be with Nature in so small way each day.

Rediscover Your Own Life–Go NC with Narcissistic Mother

Children of narcissistic mothers have the hardest life path. The person whom they turned to and counted on, walked away from them, punished them, humiliated them and threw them away. These words are painful to write but so much more painful to live.

I have spoken to many of these dispossessed children and their stories are chilling. They speak of ongoing repetitive cruelties that were designed to make them obedient and submissive and, yes, even to break them. I believe you absolutely and so to those who come to this site and these posts—You are not alone with the Truth!

You had to pretend you had a real mom and even convinced yourself this was the case. You told other kids that your mom was just fine. All the while you had to live a lie. You had to normalize the image of your mother to others for survival purposes. Early on you learned to put on a an inscrutable face, even a convincing cheery one to throw people off of the truth. There was no where you could go to tell the real story.  It felt too dangerous to reveal. At night you lay in bed and wept so quietly that not even a sibling in the same room could hear you.

Some children who grow up under these conditions keep believing that mom can and will change. This belief emerged when mother was in a good mood (a very rare occasion) and made promises to you–empty ones– that you believed. She would smile at you and you thought: “This time she really means it. I know she cares about me and will start to treat me like her real daughter (or son) rather than as an outcast.”

Now you finally know that this woman wasn’t a real mother–She is a narcissistic personality and incapable of true love or emotional intimacy or psychological attachment. That is disturbing and sad but true.

I hear from many daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers who have suffered for decades. They finally recognized that they could not change their mother, that she is a narcissistic personality and that the goal now is to focus your attention on the quality of your life–Start putting yourself first and pay attention to self care and your well being. This begins for many by going NC with your narcissistic mother.  Each child of a narcissistic mother does this his or her own way. For some there is a clear clean break–a reckoning has occurred, too much emotional and psychological injury has been sustained and the adult children of the narcissist now know that they will renew their lives and become whole and healed. They find other individuals whom they can trust and in a sense form a new family. This is not an easy or smooth process but it can be done.

There are some adult children that rediscover dormant creativity inside of themselves that awakens in them and blossoms. Others find comfort, connection, inspiration and peace in beginning a spiritual practice. This is defined specifically by the individual. Working with the body/mind through practices like gentle hatha yoga help us move into the restorative, quieting part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic. Acupuncture when provided by an excellent practitioner who is highly empathic can be very effective in moving the patient from the sympathetic fight or flight mode to the parasympathetic, calming nervous system.

There are so many ways that you will find to continue your course of evolving your true self. This is a lifelong process that you deserve to experience. And let’s always remember Beauty–It is with us every day. We forget about Beauty when we are suffering. The smallest moment holds Beauty when we are receptive to it: a grin, an encouraging look into our eyes, a recognition of our humanity, an idea that takes flight and grows in our minds like magic, a sweet memory that we have tucked away and is suddenly revealed, a revelation that comes out of our unconscious through a dream, a scent that takes us beyond thought into a mysterious inner world. These moments of beauty are unique to each person and universal at the same time. I want to share an experience that I have had for the last two years that speaks of pure beauty and is natural but has a miraculous quality. I planted a few milkweed plants in a small space. I made sure that they had not been sprayed with pesticides. They grew quickly. One day a few weeks later I noticed to my great surprise and wonderment, green and yellow caterpillars were devouring these plants. After total gorging as they grew larger and larger, they affixed themselves to a place on a wall or ledge and went into a dormant state that is a pupus of jade green with a horizontal band. After a while, I am not sure how long, I could see the butterfly through the pupus which had become transparent. Then one day I saw a perfectly formed gorgeous monarch, drying his wings on a wall. The greatest thrill is watching them practice their flying. They are the living jewels of the butterfly world. What a gift of astounding beauty.

 

Healing from Narcissistic Mother Requires Perpetual Self Care

 

Narcissistic mothers are very prevalent today. Currently, we are surrounded by narcissistic personalities and the society automatically accepts and rewards them. Many are high achievers and socially smooth so that they easily fit into our image obsessed world.

Narcissistic mothers cannot love their children. Did they ask to become narcissists? No. Do they cause psychological harm to their children? Yes. The psychodynamics between the narcissistic mother and her child are very complex but clear. When we have a mother who is emotionally and psychologically unavailable, who blames us for everything we do or don’t do and who is constantly projecting her venom on to us, there is no way to be our real selves. The extreme fear and anxiety and feelings of inadequacy and rootlessness that these mothers cause to their children is monumental. These children never have had a true home where they could find solace, respite, acceptance, affection, freedom and psychological and emotional safety.

Home is a war zone–both hot and cold wars rage behind closed doors. Narcissistic mothers are highly secretive and make sure that in the outer world their beautifully constructed image is perfect. They purposely build relationships with friends and acquaintances and other family members designed to always see them in the best light–as good, kind, considerate individuals. Only a few in a family or social group are not fooled by them. Often these individuals keep quiet and don’t reveal the truth because they are very intimidated by the forcefulness of the narcissistic personality. They decide not to make waves or speak out.

Adult children of narcissistic mothers do survive but they have suffered horribly and in duration. Many find help through psychotherapy, counseling, working with the body/mind connection to learn how to calm the nervous system that has been in a state of fight or flight for most of their lives.

One crucial aspect of healing from the psychological wound of having a narcissistic mother is to finally learn that you must take very good care of yourself. You approach this practice step by step, starting with the basics. First, know that you are entitled to have some real peace in your life, that you deserve to have a few friends whom you trust and can count on.

One of the biggest lessons is learning to stop passing constant judgment on yourself. Turn away from the inner critic that was imposed on you from infancy. Practicing a form of quieting the mind is very helpful in this regard. A practice can take a number of forms: short guided meditations on cd’s or you tube that appeal to you personally can be helpful. The practice of gentle hatha yoga where you breathe through the nose and focus on each pose in the moment is a way of shifting to the parasympathetic, quieting part of the nervous system. Getting the sleep that you need and deserve activates and sustains your recovery program. Nourishing your body with foods that create strength, stamina and keep you system in balance is essential.

Getting your creative juices flowing is one of the best tonics for those who are healing from a narcissistic mother. There are so many ways that you can think of to manifest your creativity. Start to write these down automatically without thinking and you will be surprised at the great ideas that flow from you.

Remember you are entitled to this healing. It is your journey of self discovery and awakening to inner peace and beauty. This process is lifelong and worth each step. Start with this moment and watch the process build. Be proud of the lovely person who you are.

 

You Scream–Narcissist Accuses You of Losing Control

Narcissistic personalities are master manipulators and control artists. Observing them from a detached angle is like viewing a master painter make fine, perfect brush strokes across his canvass. The application is flawless and effortless.

Spouses and children of narcissists are frequently ambushed by these masters of mood. They know how to read your nonverbals and record every tonal nuance of your voice. They are particularly skilled at activating your lowest emotional depths when you are feeling the most vulnerable. They intimidate and humiliate you on your core psychological issues. If you have severe abandonment issues, they threaten to leave you. If you cry easily, they work on your tender heart and watch you tear up and flow. They provoke feelings of anger and helplessness in their spouses by accusing them of lying, being duplicitous or betraying them.

They hit you over and over again until you can’t hold it in any more and start screaming at them. You hear your voice reaching shrills and are shocked by its volume. When everything is quiet they stare at you coldly and say: “You have no self control. What the hell is the matter with you?” You shrink and feel so small that you want to disappear and never come back. On the heals of this attack they insinuate that you are “crazy”  meaning that you have something very seriously wrong with your psyche and thinking processes. They convince you over time with these tactics that it is you who are severely disturbed. Spouses of narcissists and children of narcissists speak of the role that was given to them as the crazy, the mixed up one.

It is the narcissistic personality who is disturbed and bubbling with rage of Vesuvian proportions. When he/she accuses you of losing control, he is projecting these powerful feelings on to you. After all, in his eyes you are the inferior, the weaker one. According to his enormous ego, this individual has command of your life.

Break this cycle of abuse by first recognizing and understanding the true nature of the narcissist. This personality is deeply ingrained and very unlikely to change. The narcissist with all of his self absorption is consciously unaware of his internal psychological processes. These individuals tend not to awaken from the psychological belief that they are the perfect ones and others are at their disposal for exploitation and control and use as narcissistic supplies who will adore, obey and serve them.

Once you have this understanding your perspective changes. An  essential part of this awakening is becoming self entitled to be treated with respect, empathy and caring. A program of self care must begin with the first step. This is foreign to those who are married to narcissists and children of narcissistic parents. Self care means that you get the sleep that you need, eat nourishing food that you enjoy, exercise that works for you. Spend time calming the body/mind through any number of methods: guided meditation on You Tube, cd’s, etc., practicing gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose. Bring beauty into your life each day in the smallest forms that make a huge difference. Enjoy each moment when you are outside and observing nature–even tiny gnats, the tweets of hummingbirds, the winds in tall grasses, the dancing of tree limbs. Trust your evolving self that is growing and becoming self sufficient and more grounded each day. Healing from the narcissist is not a straight line. It occurs over a period of time that is different for each person. Be patient and loving with yourself. You deserve it.

 

 

Healing from Narcissistic Mothers

I have a special place in my heart for daughters and sons of narcissistic mothers. When we are very young, we must survive the parents we were given–our mothers and fathers. Mother is the one we are told that we can always turn to for comfort, protection, empathy, kindness and appreciation of ourselves as unique individuals.

Narcissistic mothers are non-parents. They are incapable of emotional and psychological intimacy. They cannot attach and bond with their children appropriately. They use children as puppets to mirror them; they discard the child or scapegoat him or her. They are very cruel and dismissive and cause great pain to their children–even the youngest child.

At some point you know that your mother cannot and will not and did not fulfill your deepest needs. This is a time of reckoning where you know that you must act for yourself and learn to nourish and take care of yourself first. This is not selfish; it is essential.

This self healing begins with small steps. Make sure that you do the essentials: get the sleep that you need and deserve; food that keeps you healthy; surround yourself with individuals you trust and are present for you. If you have a spiritual practice, keep it going. If you don’t, define spiritual in the way that has meaning for you–Find peace in Nature; feel softness and respite in your solitude; listen and embrace the music you love; write spontaneously and let it flow naturally; grow small plants that you watch thrive; cook and use all of your senses to enjoy the beauties of this act; exercise in the way that works best for you.

Be patient with this process as a mother to yourself. Learn that you deserve the full freedom of being authentic, spontaneous, joyful, very funny and that you have access to all of creative gifts–They are boundless.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

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Narcissist’s Money Lust

We all have some lust in our hearts–for gorgeous clothes, sex, delicious food, exquisite jewelry. Many narcissists are obsessed with money lust. They are thinking about how much money they have, how to get more of it, how to keep it away from others, whom to manipulate to get more, including family members to take theirs. Money is their substitution for love, warmth, affection—for being authentic and human. Having as much money as possible, even stealing it away from family members, is the narcissist’s constant goal. Thoughts about obtain more money never leave this person’s mind. Having lots of money makes them feel more entitled, superior to others, like a winner. Moneyed narcissists are always looking down on others who have not “made it.” It isn’t knowledge, wisdom, inner peace or insight they are seeking. It is knowing that they have achieved their greatest goal—being able to have whatever they desire and to attract other people whom they can easily exploit to satisfy their money lust. One of the common scenarios is for one of the siblings, male or female, to ingratiate the mother or father who is holding the wealth, to become the confidante, the favored trusted one. This is done over many years and is well plotted. Slowly and surely this sibling becomes the executor of the parent’s will, convinces the mother or father to bestow upon him/her the largest amount of the inheritance (leaving the other siblings with a minuscule portion of the total). The narcissistic money luster puts tremendous pressure on his parent if that is necessary to seal the deal for himself. He has no conscience and is just waiting for the parent to die (the sooner the better) so that he can carry away the entire estate and leave the scene to lead a life of pleasure and comfort. These greedy narcissistic siblings often abandon their own children and of course their spouses to move on to a life of elite uxury. They never look back and view the psychological and monetary destruction they have left behind. . They have gotten what they have wanted all of their lives. Despite this great victory the narcissist continues to experience the money lust deep inside his bones and is ready to pursue other unethical and often illegal financial misadventures. One of them is marrying a wealthy partner, causing them horrible stress and making this person to become psychologically dependent on them and at their mercy. The obsession to seek, obtain and control the fortunes of others never abates. It would be like trying to change the rhythm of the tides or the curvature of the earth. The narcissist never stops victimizing others, disrupting their lives, leaving them without monetary means, causing them unbearable distress and worry. Learning about the narcissistic personality provides you with the insight to recognize these money vultures quickly. You will sense their vileness, like a noxious odor in the air. You will know what they are after—your financial resources, your social connections to people of means. Study narcissistic money vultures in-depth. Identify them quickly. Show them the door immediately. If you are involved with one of them, learn to dis-entangle yourself. Pursue your creative gifts, learn to develop inner peace through calming the body and mind. Sharpen your insight and pay close attention to your intuitions. They are coming through all of the time. We need to practice receptivity to these invaluable messengers of the truth. Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D. Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Narcissistic Mothers–A Pain in the Pit of Your Stomach

Those who haven’t had narcissistic mothers cannot completely understand just how dreadful they are. Each narcissistic mother is ghastly in her own special way. Some are concealed and pretend to be good, even holy. They walk around with golden coronas circling their heads. The family members are often impressed with their piety and spiritual devotion. Then there are the flamboyant, grandiose types who are socially very skillful and charming. They are often the center of attention. They magnetize many people to them who believe that they are superior. Above all, despite the outward persona the narcissistic mother always has certain attributes. She lacks genuine empathy and is incapable of feeling and understanding or caring deeply about another person’s feelings, including her own children. What great performances these women play. In private they are holy terrors who cause fear, anxiety, panic and immobilize their children. The exception is the child chosen by the narcissistic mother as the perfect reflection of herself. This son or daughter (in some cases more than one child is picked) gets free reign of the house, never learns how to treat others with respect, has a superior attitude toward himself and overrides the psychological boundaries of other family members. The children who are not chosen are under the heel of the rampaging narcissistic mother. She is hell to live with. Often these women emasculate their husbands and dominate them completely so that they have no say about their own children.

Adult children often report that they suffered from anxiety,tension even pains in the pit of their stomachs when in the presence of narcissistic mom. You never knew when she would threaten you with punishment or take a swipe at you. Narcissistic mothers are tyrannical and get away with it. In the world they are often considered to be wonderful human beings who are considerate and caring and very charming. This is their great acting job at work. So many people are fooled by them. When you tell someone the truth about a narcissistic mother, they will look at you quizzically as if you are being cruel or simply have something wrong with your thinking processes.

If you are the adult child of a narcissistic mother it is past time for you to get rid of the metaphorical or real pain in the pit of your stomach. To lead your own life, it is often necessary to sever the “relationship” because it has become impossible and abusive. Some victims find that excellent psychotherapy helps them to heal. Be careful in picking a therapist. Make sure they understand this personality disorder very well and be sure that they are not narcissistic personalities themselves.

Celebrate your individuality, learn to quiet your mind through gentle yoga practice, meditation–sitting and walking, opening up to your special creativity, finding friends who care deeply about you and are capable of empathy.

One Narcissist Causes Pain to an Entire Family

If you know the narcissistic personality disorder well, especially if you have divorced one of these individuals or been on the receiving end of a narcissistic parent, you know that this one person can cause extreme stress and psychological pain among the members of an entire family. Everyone surrounded by the narcissist’s destructive traits–chronic lying, deception, betrayal, manipulation, exploitation, emotional sabotage–is highly aware of the severe damage that this highly pathological individual can wreak. Narcissists do not care who you are–a stranger, an acquaintance, a close family member, a child. If you get in their way, they will intimidate, threaten and retaliate if you buck their wills of steel.

Some family members make excuses for these horrific people. They will say: “Oh that’s just the way he/she is. Don’t be so tough on him.” “He is so bright and successful. Look at his good points.” This person is running roughshod over the minds, hearts and psyches of those closest to him. No one person has the right to invade your boundaries, demean you, humiliate you or taunt and terrorize you. I don’t care what this individual has accomplished in the world, how much power he/she wields.

We are at a time right now when narcissists are applauded because they are so driven to move ahead as they trample on everyone else. Those who have suffered under this treacherous treatment write about the terrors and tortures they have endured under the sadism of one narcissist. This happens all of the time but most people remain unaware of the severe psychological and emotional damage this highly disturbed person has caused. Become fully aware of the nature of the narcissistic personality psychopathology. Listen to those who have suffered under its iron boot and merciless treatment.

If you have a havoc wreaking narcissist in your family, you may have to make a 180 turn away and sever the relationship. I know this can be difficult but remember this severe personality disorder does not change. The quality of your life–psychological, emotional, physical, spiritual–is invaluable. Learn to put self care into your daily life. You are entitled to quality sleep, to exercise in the way that is best for you, to explore your many creative gifts, to listen to guided meditations that appeal to you and to follow your intuition in all things.

 

 

Classic Narcissists Demean Your Feelings and You

Classic narcissists, larger than life, bombastic, charismatic to some, sail through life in the fast lane—always moving to their next cascade of narcissistic supply. If they are very successful they have more opportunities to be adored, praised and rewarded handsomely in this current world of rampant pathological narcissism. Those at the top of their game don’t do the hardest work. They have adoring followers, psychologically dependent individuals, hangers on, at their beck and call.

If you have narcissists in your family, I am sure you are too keenly aware of how they demean you and/or ignore you or both. If you are having a difficult time and you share this with them, they completely ignore what you are saying or they wonder what is the matter with you that you have caused such trouble for yourself. “Is there something wrong with you that you have so many problems?”

Some of the most cruel, cold human beings I have known are classic narcissists. Since they have no internal psychological consciousness or a well developed conscience, they move swiftly and smoothly through their professional and personal  lives with ruthless abandon. They choose partners whom they can dominate and control. They ignore their children or choose only those who will become their living ego supplies—little narcissists who will grow up to be just like them.

Do narcissists care about you if you are their child, spouse or sibling? Not so much or not at all. They are too taken up with themselves to give any energy to your life with its many painful twists and downturns.

Narcissists are  peripatetic –They always have their engines running. They go from one project to the next–one trip to the next—one acquisition to the next–one full makeover to the next–one partner to the next, etc.

They get a kick out of running circles around you. You are depressed or very anxious or going through a  period of loss, confusion, financial distress, etc. You share some of your deepest issues with the narcissist and there is no response. It’s as if they are unable to hear you—literally. They jauntily move along in the conversation to tell you about how swimmingly their lives are going, how busy they are, what they are achieving and don’t forget–“their successes” (There is nothing wrong with success in the world. Here I am talking about all out bragging when the other person is going through a very tough time and needs to be heard). I find this kind of interchange to be nauseating and cruel. On some occasions the narcissist wonders out loud about what is wrong with you that you can’t overcome your problems. After all they did!

Remind yourself that you are genuine and that having psychological pain is part of a life that is lived authentically with real feelings and deep caring for others as well as oneself. You are not deluded. You do not brag about yourself. You are highly empathic and care deeply about the feelings, the problems and the suffering of others–family members, friends spouses, etc. You are the opposite of the narcissist.

Give yourself credit for being a true individual who is growing and evolving. Know that this is a process that takes time and effort and that you are moving toward developing a stronger, expanded true self. (The narcissist is a false self that leads his/her entire life in delusion.) There are others who are real whom you know and will find.

Let the narcissistic world twirl by at ever increasing speeds as it goes nowhere.

Stay with your path and your rhythm. Practice self care. Access and use your intuition for direction and validation of the truth.

Maintain distance from narcissists, especially in your personal life. Don’t engage with them at all and if you must, keep it  short and detached.

Focus on your creative inspirations, your spiritual life (if that is your choice), the boundless beauty and comfort of Nature and a few human beings who want to share their lives with you. Learn from one another; help one another.