Month: October 2015

Narcissistic Sisters Always Betray You

Since you were very little you have been waiting for your narcissistic sister (often the Golden One) to love you.

Time after time you appealed to her humanity for kindness, respect and consideration. You discovered repeatedly that your narcissistic sister returned your yearning and wishes with cruelty, lying and cold betrayals. You were hurt too many times to count. You cried and cried. No one came to comfort you. This is especially the case if narcissistic mother and daughter were psychologically fused with one another. They were an inseparable team. You were never allowed to get between them to get your essential psychological and emotional needs.

There is something about the human being that keeps us going back to the person who has hurt us to believe that if we make the effort, the next time will be different. You remember trying to make up with your sister. You started to believe that you were at fault, that something was intrinsically the matter with you.

Being innocent you shared your secrets with this sister only to discover that she betrayed your trust and told your deepest thoughts and feelings to your narcissistic mother. You heard them laughing at you, deriding you.

It can take a very long time to recognize that your sister is a narcissist and that she is not going to change–ever. This is a fixed personality disorder that features defense mechanisms that are like impenetrable steel. With the narcissistic sister there is no empathy, warmth, concern for your welfare, kindness or compassion.

Your narcissistic sister pretends that she cares about you but know that when this happens she is treating you “nicely” because she wants something from you, a narcissistic supply that she is after.

Once you have researched and understand that your sister is a narcissistic personality, you realize that you are not and never were to blame for her cruel betrayals and psychological and emotional abuse.

Having this knowledge is powerful and will propel you toward recovery and rediscovery of your true self. You deserve to lead a life that is fulfilling, that provides you with inner peace, continued healing and the full use of your many creative gifts.

Merciless, Greedy Narcissistic Spouse Cannot Love You

The narcissist is gifted at presenting an attractive, compelling, fascinating, convincing false self. It is very difficult to understand how this person who is so charming, bright and who appears to have fallen for you is incapable of truly loving another individual. The narcissist is “self” centered. Everything revolves around them. (This post refers to female and male narcissists). From the beginning the narcissist was playing a role. In some cases he was the Chosen Child–the Star, the Golden One, the Savior of the Family. In other family constellations the narcissist struggled to fit in with the rest of the family players. In order to win the childhood survival game, he developed a compelling, magnetic false self that drew people to him. He learned how to captivate others, almost like putting them under a spell. Especially if the young narcissist is physically attractive and bright and talented, he or she can develop the skills necessary to manipulate and control others. This begins within the family and moves outward into every region of the budding narcissist’s life.

Narcissists are ravenous for attention, praise, adulation and in many cases wealth and sources of power and influence. Deep down they are unable to form genuine relationships, including the role of a spouse in a marriage. They are so entitled and obsessed with self that others, including their spouses, only count as a source of perpetual veneration and praise. For the narcissistic spouse the husband or wife is a possession, a person to be molded to fit the perfect image that the narcissist has created for this individual.

Some of those married to narcissists spend decades in these highly constricted, abusive roles. They are kept in an emotional and psychological strait jacket. They live in delusion and fear, always checking in with the narcissist to make sure they are following his rules.

Those who are married to narcissists are possessed by them. They are tightly held with “rules” that are written in stone by the narcissistic spouse. There is no authentic love taking place in these pseudo relationships. In some instances the victimized spouse awakens to the knowledge that he or she is married to a serious personality disorder that is not going to change, that her life has been eclipsed, her creativity squelched, her sense of self abbreviated.

It is a profound awakening to know that the man or woman to whom you are married is incapable of loving you, of valuing you as a unique individual who deserves warm emotional and psychological reciprocation. With a narcissist, there is no give and take—They take greedily and mercilessly, leaving you in a weakened exhausted state.

Don’t wait for the endgame with the narcissist. Recognize this person for who he is—a severe personality disorder that is fixed like steel–impenetrable.

Turn to yourself–recognize and appreciate fully how genuine you are, how gifted and bright you are, the beauty of your warm open heart, your deep capacity for real love. Put your feet, head, heart and soul on your unique life healing, restorative pathway.

Don’t Let the Narcissist Steal the Rest of Your Life

If you have a narcissistic parent, if you are married to a narcissist, the sibling of a narcissist—you know that these individuals are exceedingly difficult, albeit impossible to live with! I have heard innumerable life stories of those who are going through excruciating suffering as a consequence of these toxic relationships.

It is common for those who are being abused to keep thinking that they can “fix” the narcissist. This is not the case. This is a very fixed personality that does not change. The defense mechanisms of the narcissist are like concrete or steel–They include primitive projection, volcanic rage, extreme denial, rationalizations and splitting. You can’t take your narcissistic spouse to counseling and expect that he or she will cooperate. The narcissist will pretend to make moves that will help save the marriage. This is a well crafted act. In some instances they manipulate the therapist to their side and you are the one who is stuck with an “emotional instability” label.

As the child of a narcissistic mother or father, you suffered extreme emotional and psychological deprivation. You were not loved for your true self. You were exploited as a living narcissistic supply. Some children are discarded since the narcissistic parent does not view them as measuring up to their expectations. So many of these lovely children are cast aside to fend for themselves, even as very small children.
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Having a narcissistic sibling who hates and envies you from the beginning, tells lies about you, perpetrating myriad cruelties upon you, is one of the most difficult roles for a child. If the narcissistic sibling is the golden one, you were never believed. You were the source of ridicule and criticism. You were excluded from the family for not being “good enough” or the “bad one.”

If you have lived any of these roles as the victim of narcissistic abuse, it is essential that you understand that as a child you had no choice; as a spouse you could not have known that your husband or wife was a severe personality disorder.

A profound life change begins to take place when you recognize and appreciate who you are as a unique, invaluable, creative and loving individual. You are entitled to heal from the wounds of childhood that have haunted you all of these years. You deserve to face each day with inner peace and hope in your heart.

As the former wife or husband of a narcissistic spouse, you will learn to breathe deeply again, to set off on the pathways of your own individual life. Hold fast to your personal vision and inner wisdom.

Tell yourself and take action based on this vow that a narcissist will never “steal” your life, sap your creative energies, halt your dreams, bring you down—ever again.

You are evolving as an individual on every level as you heal—mentally, emotionally, psychologically, creatively, spiritually. Celebrate this long journey you have made. Feel your renewed vigor, creative juices, new goals and aspirations as they spring forth from deep within you. And spread the good news to others who are waiting to hear your words of support, empathy, strength and perseverance.

Narcissistic In-Laws Attempt to Destroy Your Marriage

I have heard many life stories about the chaos and emotional and psychological destructiveness of narcissistic in-laws.  This includes the mother-in-law narcissist, the father-in-law narcissist or the narcissistic couple.

When we get married it can be very difficult to know if our prospective in-laws are narcissists. Yes, they may be self-absorbed or entitled or too entranced with the golden child you married. In the beginning everyone was playing the “good behavior” role. Some spouses get a glimpse of coming psychological attractions before the vows are spoken. Most of us are too distracted with the wedding plans and thinking of the meaning of the upcoming marriage and let these warnings pass through our consciousness.

The cracking of the familial perfect face begins with one of the narcissistic parents demanding tremendous amounts of time and attention from the “beloved son or daughter” and giving you the cold shoulder or the silent treatment or outright cold unwarranted criticism. Eventually this leads to scenarios of my way or the highway. This becomes particularly ugly and the couple starts to argue frequently. The golden boy or golden girl narcissist often responds to the family demands since he or she has been the King or Queen of this feudal kingdom since birth.

The spouse who is out in the cold is further criticized and ostracized by the narcissistic in-law(s). Finally a reckoning comes and a decision often must be made–whether to stay in a marriage where you are being constantly abused and mistreated or to move forward and sever the marital relationship.

Meanwhile the narcissistic relatives are relishing your marriage unraveling, knowing they will get their perfect son or daughter to come back to them alone–where he or she belongs. Narcissistic in-laws think of their children as possessions who belong to them and no one else, including a spouse.

Quite often these circumstances do not have a happy ending for the newly married couple. It is better to cut your losses in most cases if you know that your spouse is more wedded to narcissistic mom or dad than to you. You will never win against this deep level of psychopathology.

After you have made your decision to end the marriage and get a divorce, you begin to heal from the relationship you thought you had with this person you had picked to share your life. Pay close attention to your intuition as you go forward. Remember, you come first. This is essential.

Narcissistic Spouse’s Cycle of Abuse

For the narcissist everyone is ultimately disposable and expendable. Since the narcissist is incapable of emotional and psychological intimacy, he/she forms “relationships” based on the ultimate need for narcissistic supplies–adulation, praise, power over others, acquisition, veneration, validation of greatness.  (This post refers to male and female narcissists).

Each narcissist has his own unique style. Some are boorish, others low key appearing to be humble. The grandiose classic narcissist is highly extroverted, seizes the spotlight at every turn, exceedingly confident, continually singing his own praises at maximum volume.

All narcissists are abusive. They are self absorbed, not tuned into the needs of others, lack empathy and project their volcanic rage– especially on to their family members: spouses, ex-spouses, children, siblings, etc.

There is a cycle of abuse that many narcissistic spouses engage in: Charm, Seduction, Manipulation/Exploitation, Disposal.

“Charm is an energy, a vibration, a contagious optimistic state of mind. Charm beguiles; it can seduce us to do almost anything…It is a magic elixir that sets us soaring.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)  It is very difficult to say “No” to the magnetism of the narcissist.  They are captivating. You feel spellbound, enchanted, taken up with them.  In this first phase you are inclined to believe the narcissist and to feel that you are an integral part of his life, that this person cares deeply about you, loves you.

Narcissists are masters of seduction. They know exactly how to get under the skin, the nerves, the heart of a individual whom they have chosen.  They cleverly play on our deepest needs to be wanted, worthy, important, special.  We become entranced with them.

Narcissists are highly manipulative and exploitive. They are exceedingly cunning and know how to play complex cruel, calculated games with your deepest feelings. They use both charm and intimidation to get you to do and be what they want. You must be perfect like they are. They make sure you never measure up to their “standards.” When you don’t make the grade you are severely criticized. This emerges into a pattern of continually putting you down. This is done to weaken and control you and force you to doubt your perceptions. Another ploy is the emotional/psychological push/pull game. After a major blowup the narcissist claims he is sorry and says he needs you desperately.  He wants you back into his life, not because he loves you but due to his need for narcissist supplies to be adored, obeyed and praised constantly. When this sequence is over, he finds a reason to get angry and throw you out of his life. Many victims of narcissistic abuse repeat this pattern over and over again, thinking that the problems arising from the relationship are their fault.

“Dismissal (disposal) arrives as surely as thunder follows lightening…By this time you are not even an imprint on his mind. He has moved on to his next glorious quest…Like a speck of swirling dust, the memory of you as a unique individual and the positive magnitude of your good deeds dissolve into the atmosphere as if they never existed.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). You no longer fit into the narcissist’s grandiose sense of himself.  You have not sufficiently fulfilled the overwhelming needs that this person has for you to be perfect, obedient, ever-loving (regardless of his dark cruelties) and available 24/7.

Stop this cycle of narcissistic abuse by leaving the narcissist with your plan to regain your sense of a strong authentic self. Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Understand these fixed personality traits that are uninclined to change.

Along with this learning, acknowledge and feel deeply the wonderful unique lovely individual that you are. Walk forward. Rest. Restore. Recover. Renew.

Come home to yourself!