Since you were very little you have been waiting for your narcissistic sister (often the Golden One) to love you.
Time after time you appealed to her humanity for kindness, respect and consideration. You discovered repeatedly that your narcissistic sister returned your yearning and wishes with cruelty, lying and cold betrayals. You were hurt too many times to count. You cried and cried. No one came to comfort you. This is especially the case if narcissistic mother and daughter were psychologically fused with one another. They were an inseparable team. You were never allowed to get between them to get your essential psychological and emotional needs.
There is something about the human being that keeps us going back to the person who has hurt us to believe that if we make the effort, the next time will be different. You remember trying to make up with your sister. You started to believe that you were at fault, that something was intrinsically the matter with you.
Being innocent you shared your secrets with this sister only to discover that she betrayed your trust and told your deepest thoughts and feelings to your narcissistic mother. You heard them laughing at you, deriding you.
It can take a very long time to recognize that your sister is a narcissist and that she is not going to change–ever. This is a fixed personality disorder that features defense mechanisms that are like impenetrable steel. With the narcissistic sister there is no empathy, warmth, concern for your welfare, kindness or compassion.
Your narcissistic sister pretends that she cares about you but know that when this happens she is treating you “nicely” because she wants something from you, a narcissistic supply that she is after.
Once you have researched and understand that your sister is a narcissistic personality, you realize that you are not and never were to blame for her cruel betrayals and psychological and emotional abuse.
Having this knowledge is powerful and will propel you toward recovery and rediscovery of your true self. You deserve to lead a life that is fulfilling, that provides you with inner peace, continued healing and the full use of your many creative gifts.
34 thoughts on “Narcissistic Sisters Always Betray You”
The timing of this message is miraculous.
Indeed it takes so long to accept that the older sister is a narcissist and, is never going to change. Only her tactics change as she may adapt to the changes and growth she resents her victim making; healing to survive and understand the narcissists stealth and abuse.
The tools for growth and transformation are ours for the taking…seek and we shall find, knock and Truth reveals itself, though not in expected ways. An abundance of miracles when we find our authentic belief system, that is, to be your self.
Thank you so much. So blessed to find this site.
Thank you for understanding. Trying really hard to cope. This helped.
Thank you so much for the post. I was abused years I only recently realised my brothers have a narcissistic personality disorder. For my and my own family’s sake, I’ve decided to cut off contact with them in future. But as long as my dad’s alive, I know I’ll be seeing them one day, which is my dad’s funeral. I have East-Asian Confucian background and it makes me doubly hard to cope.
I’ll be brief about my situation; After my mum passed away when I was two (my dad was a sailor at that time), I lived with my conservative grandma and uncle(my dad’s oldest brother)’s family, questioning women’s rights while my brothers were living with my dad’s youngest brother’s family. I suspect they learned narcissistic traits then.
Then, when I turned 9 (my brothers were 13 and 15), we all united and started living together; the beginning of my hardship. Coupled with Confucian culture in Asia (ruled by male gender and seniorority), all responsibilities of housework fell on me, the youngest daughter of the family. I had no escape but to put up with s**t during all my upbringing. I was too immersed in gender issues, I only found out very late that I’ve been emotionally abused, too.
Soon after I got my degree, I left home and have been living an independent life, and got married to a Western man, thinking I could put all my hardship in the past. Reality? My brothers treat me as well as my husband poorly (out of jealousy), although we enjoy a better social status. My dad’s still expecting me to do all the housework for him and look after my brothers by bringing food, etc (although they’re married now). No wonder I don’t want to go visit my “old” family.
A few years after my marriage, I left the country; Now living in a Western world, enjoying a greater welfare given to women, I’ve recently decided to sever the tie with my narcissistic brothers (I’ve requested to my dad that he shouldn’t ask my brothers to come over to my dad’s place when I am visiting my dad. This way, I can avoid ‘looking-after my brothers’ duty). Although I’ve managed to lower my dad’s expectations on me and made my decision not to contact my brothers, there’s one remaining worry: my dad’s funeral. I know it’s still many years later but I worry already.
Upon seeing me, my brothers’ll be saying, “how come you never contacted me? I heard you were visiting home”, the usual attitude of blaming and putting me down for nothing. If I shout at them, I know all my relatives will criticise and insult me as I’m the younger one and I’m expected to keep quiet and serve ‘men’ as a woman in the super conservative family dynamics, which make me stifling.
I don’t even want to engage with them but I know, I’ll be hurt again when I am off guard. This is exactly why I need to come up with pre-emptive “survivial techniques” now rather than later. To be honest, I’m prepared not even going to my dad’s funeral but my husband (my dad’s always been nice to my husband) is adamant that we should go. Any recommended strategy, please? One option may be I could talk to my sister-in-law before making this trip to my dad, saying “I have no grudges against my brothers. I just want to be left alone. My brothers and I are way too different to communicate. So, no need to be upset about me not seeing them. I don’t even expect my brothers to treat me nicely any more. So, I hope they have absolutely no expectations on me, either. That includes not blaming me for not seeing them this trip”. I know my sister-in-law can be a good listener. What do you suggest?
Thanks for your candid response the this blog. I too have not believed that my own sister could not return the affection that I constantly extend to her, so sad. I need to find the tools to progress without the hope that her affection will ever be returned. I would so welcome a transformation in my own thinking, as I seem to knock myself out time and again. I am the older sister and my younger sister always betrayed my secrets and my trust, yet always required my help to advance her needs. I have always been there for her, yet always just receive judgemental responses as if nothing is good enough for her from me.
My sister, who I believe is a narcissist, DOES have feelings and concerns that are genuine, yes, but they only revolve around topics that are meaningful to her, i.e. the following: expensive designer shoes (she had 500 pairs of shoes according to my mother), luxury vacations, the inheritance money she’s been waiting for for years, her current “friends” who give her constant adulation and praise, you get the picture. I do not believe she is capable of truly loving anyone except material goods, and maybe her cat.
My mother is a borderline and also very narcissistic. Mother and sister were certainly fused together, except now that my sister doesn’t need my mother and my mother told her she’s not getting any inheritance, my sister has decided to ignore my mother as well.
I do not understand how I got born into a wicked family like this. My father was the only sane one, and my mother betrayed him, and in some way she actually killed him with what she put him through. The day he had a stroke, I was the one there to try and pull him up from the carpet, while my mother was partying in another country, ignoring his phone calls. I think the stress killed him. I called 911 while my mother was partying at a beach in Mexico with her newly divorced single friends, whom my mother was trying to emulate.
My sister and my mother are exactly the same: stone cold, cruel, and false. They are loved by strangers and people who don’t really know what they like, because they can pour on the charm very strongly. Even though I am actually the more physically attractive daughter and actually a nice person (I don’t mean to brag), my sister always got the most attention because she has a very boisterous, outgoing personality. The truth is, I don’t understand what people see in her, she is just a big loudmouth who doesn’t have anything good to offer anyone. She is not very intelligent either, but good at getting what she wants and needs.
I have always lived in her shadow, and my mother made it very clear to me that I did not resemble my mother physically. I was constantly told that I looked like my father, and this made me feel so bad about myself that I actually developed body dysmorphic disorder when I was very young. I learned to hate myself and it took a long time to learn that it wasn’t me. My therapist actually said I was the one representing a problem in the family; when it was time to speak to my family, they refused to go for further counseling. My mother never liked any activity where delving further into one’s personality was involved. She doesn’t like “psychology” stuff.
I actually majored in psychology and worked in a psych treatment centre for many years. Sad to say, I never realised what my mother and sister were until I was much older. Maybe it was just too painful to realise. To this day I wish I had a normal mother and sister. My father died when he was still young, and I have no relatives who care about me. To some extent, except for my relatives in Germany, my mother’s family are all very weird people. They constantly fight with one another and are always in some kind of conflict. I think they are all borderlines and narcissistic. I have cut them all off, and I will soon cut off my sister and my mother as well. Mother doesn’t need me anymore anyway, because she just divorced husband #2 and is now moving on to another older man who I think she is using for money as she has claimed he owns many homes and has a lot of savings. The guy has no idea what he is getting into. I am not even going to warn him, because there is no point. The last time I tried to warn someone my mother lashed out at me and hit me. The person I tried to defend from her was my father. She cut my scalp open with a piece of plastic for doing that, and I had blood dripping down my face. Remembering that still makes me aware of what a monster she really is, pretending to be a good Catholic on the outside. I will never forget what she did to me.
December 7, 2015 at 7:31 pm · Reply
I totally relate.
My twin sister, who used to be the shy and quiet one when we were young started modeing at age 16 and is unbearable.
We are now both 25.
She had moved on to fetish modelling and has become so self obsessed, spends hours in front of the mirror, constantly on whether phone and Facebook and is poor company. Whenever we go or drinking I end up drinking too much, and when I say I don’t want to drink with her and that we should get coffee instead, her reply was that I’m sucking the fun out of everything.
Everything has to be on her terms.
I have to miss school to join family holidays but when she comes to visit me in my country she spends most of the time doing her own modelling work out here and I barely see her as she would rather go out meeting strange men she found on tinder.
She is very difficult to talk to or confront about anything.
Just today I asked her to remove a picture of us that she posted on her public and modelling page: she said fuck you to me in response.
She cares more about her fans on the internet who perve over her than my feelings of not wanting people jacking off to her pictures and seeing my face there next to hers.
Her modelling has gotten worse and worse, she recently got a breast enlargement and loves showing them off. It’s her life she can do what she wants but I should have a say on whether I want my pictures up on her public profile. Especially since creepy comments have been made.
She took it down but she also deleted and blocked me from her public account.
Things are tense and she feels I’m in the wrong for this.
Ps whenever we fight she said to me how dare you say this but then when confronted with a serious issue she shows abuse.
I don’t recognise my sister, haven’t done for years, slowly her modelling image took over her personality and is unbearable to confront when there is an issue.
Also she slapped my boyfriend one night when all went out drinking and she didn’t like how he spoke to me when he said lets go outside to talk I can’t hear you down here.
She also slept with someone who i slept with within hours of it happening and when I confronted her months later (she kept it a secret but a friend told me) she said it was no big deal.
She walks all over men, has sugar daddies pay for everything and generally takes advantage of people; which again is not something I can control but all these things have had an effect on her and she is not somebody I recognise. Yet at the same time we are close.
She then tells me when things are good that she loves me more than herself and wants the best for me and I told her not to say that. That it can’t even be true. But I don’t know how to deal with her personality pushing decisions on me, and treating me bad. I’m always giving in to her. She is selfish and materialistic and my parents drive me mad because they encourage me to call her etc but I don’t see much effort from her, only when she wants on her time. Nobody else has lives!
Feels good to vent.
I’m not sure that I can reply to you directly on this site like this, but here goes. I’m a ‘Westerner’ guy who has recently developed a good friendship with a Chinese Malay woman and are learning something about East-West relations. I take it that you are of Chinese ethnicity and that the fact that your Dad has more that one child means that you were born prior to China’s one-child policy? Your post also leaves me wondering how the rest of your Chinese side family would treat your Westerner husband. It sounds complicated.
I think it is a good thing that you are planning to visit your Dad. While I don’t know all of your circumstances, I’ve heard of some people shutting family members out of their lives, to never see them again due to past abuses, even mildish ones. Personally, I would suggest getting some quality professional help with a respected counselor/therapist to explore a decision that you are satisfied with, but it seems that you are already in the process in acting on a decision. Unfortunately, I’ve experienced circumstances that have endangered my life, and it woke me up to what there was to loose, especially relationally. I’m not suggesting that we should take any abuse, whatsoever, but I do know people change either for the better or the worse. I would suggest keeping your boundaries up, and practice saying “no” with a therapist, husband, work colleagues and friends. Yes, we need to feel free enough to trust people to say yes spontaneously, but to do this, we need to know how to say “no” too. It’s empowering ourselves to make decisions. I believe that if we are healthy and live life to the full; if we can interdependently pursue hobbies, education, social situations, and careers vigorously with both our partners and independently then we can truly enjoy life which sets us up to best deal with conflict, as in your case with your brothers when it arises. As I said above, I don’t know anything about you, but I hope this helps.
You’re asking tips way in advance to your father’s funeral and strategy… Cold fact, as it seems to me that such people are not any family.
Family members don’t need any strategy to be with! Seems to me that all it is very toxic for you.
If I was you I wouldn’t go there.
One question is that why do you stay with narcissistic husband?? You’re living only once!! Consult a professional. I’d suggest to leave such circumstances.
I found this post when I was wondering of similar issues.
Sandra, you will get there, I promise. It took me 49 years and her most intense and horrific betrayal towards me, followed by 2 1/2 years of excruciating grief and pain caused by this betrayal, to finally come to terms with the fact that my younger sister is, and always will be, an extreme sociopathic narcissist and her only purpose concerning me is to destroy my life.
Like you, I spent my entire life being valued and devalued by my younger sister. She would play the loving concerns sister to get me to tell her all of my deepest and painful secrets, only to keep that information to use against me at another time. I spent so much time and energy trying to prove my unconditional love for her and every time I was hurt beyond reason. I had no idea that by just living my life we were in a constant competition and every good thing that happened to me ( my husband telling her how much he loved me, having three children, one being the girl she craved but never had) was causing a fury to grow inside her that led her to want to destroy my life .
Her final attempt to leave me completely destroyed led to her convincing both my (narcissistic) parents and my older sister to abandon and betray me right after finding out I had cervical cancer and went through a total hysterectomy. This happened on Christmas Day in 2012. It nearly broke me apart.
But, I was finally able to see the real person she was and is, an evil, vile, disturbed individual that is extremely dangerous. I went no contact with my entire birth family after that. It took me 2 1/2 years to grieve their loss. Now, though, three years later I am the most peaceful, most joyous, absolutely the happiest I have EVER been. She doesn’t even realize that by causing the biggest betrayal I have ever endured she have me the greatest gift of my life, total freedom.
Hang in there and just remember, she. Is. DANGEROUS! Never forget that.
I’ve been grappling with the decision to cut ties with my sister. This article sure adds weight to the argument to do it. She sees narcissism everywhere she looks, and the more she emphasizes it the more I realize it’s her. She’s cut ties with our dad because she claims he’s abusive. I’ve been watching her rewrite history for more than a year; now, both parents were abusive and her whole upbringing was abusive. I’ve recently discovered that she’s privately e-mailing my husband, telling him I’m crazy, abusive, narcissistic, out to ruin his life. Time and again as we were growing up I watched her intentionally get me into trouble. Time and again I watched as she took sides with anyone who had a reason to be against me (squabbles with a brother, etc). Now I realize she’s doing it again, siding with my husband as we’re struggling thru the early years of our marriage. For years I worked at being her friend, helping her as much as I could, supporting her as much as I could. But, once again she’s turned against me. She’s victimized herself to such a degree that if anyone challenges any of her statements, even mentions that they don’t agree with her many FB posts about how abused she is, she just claims that they’re abusing her. I’m exhausted by it all.
Thanks for this post! I have learned that my sister manifests the same narcissistic qualities and is just as abusive to me verbally and emotionally as my late father was. I chose to go no contact a few years ago due to their abusive behaviour but was brought back in to the dysfunctional dynamic when my father died and I am now co-executor with my sister to the will. I learned that she tried to have me disinherited, which, fortunately did not happen. Now I am dealing with the situation where she has gone into the house in my absence and taken all the good jewellery and clothes my mother had before she died as well as taking anything she wants without consulting with me. There appears to be this dynamic occurring where she takes the best before I can get there and I am left with what she does not want or value. She was my fathers Golden Child while I was the scapegoat – and endured many years of abuse so severe I developed Dissociative Identity Disorder, which I have recovered from. The abuse is the family’s best kept secret. I have experienced her completely distorting reality including telling my parents I was screaming at her when in fact, she had been screaming at me. Dad always took her side in an argument and physically assaulted me. Now she is continuing to manifest this false front that makes her appear to always be right with me always wrong and as if she is this wonderful innocent person. I experience her as someone who always needs to win with me losing – instead of creating win-win scenarios…. it is heart-breaking to realize she sees me as an object to be used to meet her need for narcissistic supply and that she is incapable of any true empathy or compassion. While I have been very supportive of her during this period following my fathers death due to realizing her very close (emotionally incestuous relationship) with my father, I have discovered she has gone in to the house in my absence to take what she wants. I had a counsellor tell me that I was being treated like a slave by both my father and sister. And I was. Not sure how to negotiate this estate issue where everything is supposed to be divided equally when I really don’t believe she is capable of being fair…it’s like she doesn’t know how to share and needs to take the best for herself while treating me like I am a second class citizen that is worthless. I can’t communicate with her using “I” language because she is incapable of responding in a healthy way – she flies into a rage and screams at me so I really don’t want to talk to her about it since nothing is ever resolved…. I confronted her with her verbally and emotionally abusive behaviour over 14 years ago and she became the most vile vindictive raging maniac I ever experienced in my life just screaming and screaming at me….then she was extremely sarcastic and abusive at every family gathering – to the point my adult daughter told me she was proud of me as she saw how I was being treated without responding to my sister in the same way. I hate that I have to negotiate this estate thing with her. she already contends the 30,000. dad gave her for a deposit on her house was just a gift and not an advance on the estate – I received nothing….in fact, live in a 28,000. trailer that my mom lent me the down payment for and which I paid back in full. I have the impression she envies me deeply and feels entitled to receive more than her share. I also hate the double standard in my family – I was only allowed to borrow money and pay back every cent while she was given a vehicle dad paid for for 7 years… and which she took when he died, having the estate pay for the insurance, and repairs while I received nothing…. it is a horrid dynamic that fosters bitterness, anger and resentment and keeps us divided. What is even worse is that my daughter is being told stories by her that always make me wrong and while my daughter says she does not believe them, I believe the information is going into her subconscious mind and that she has been conditioned in my family to blame and disrespect me… sadly, my daughter is also the Golden Child favoured by my ex-husband and also displays narcissistic characteristics while my son, also rejected and scapegoated by his father tends to play the “patsy” role – is very generous and taken advantage of…. what a horrid multigenerational dynamic to pass on. All I can do at this point is to continue my healing process and pray things will get better.
I pray. Today I prayed. I just found this site. My life will change now. The blinders are off.
I discovered this site years ago after both of my parents died unexpectedly. I have only one sibling who I thought I knew well, but I really I didn’t know her at all. I won’t go into the details (after trying so hard to forget) so I’ll just say that after my parents’ deaths I discovered my sister had carried out a plan to steal my share of a large inheritance. It must have taken her years to implement this plan, all while pretending to care about me and my family. She also lied to and manipulated my parents as well, which I can never forgive. I can only take comfort in knowing they never discovered what a vile person she is.
She enjoyed taunting me with what she managed to pull off. I had no idea she could be so hateful – it rocked me to my very core and made me question my entire life. I came across this site and found that my sister perfectly fit the description of a narcissist. My whole life made a lot more sense when I read about the pain these people cause and how they operate.
I went through a really rough time but was helped by knowing I wasn’t the first person to be betrayed this way and it wasn’t my fault. I decided to go no-contact five years ago – it’s been hard at times because I lost both of my parents (through death) and my sister, her children and their families (by choice) in such a short time. I won’t even try to have a relationship with her children because I know she’s poisoned their hearts against me. But in a way it’s been very liberating to be free of my sister and I have no regrets. I’m thankful this site is here to help others cope with the hurt caused by the narcissists in their lives.
“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heal that has crushed it.” – Mark Twain
Wonder if Twain knew a real, dyed-in-the-wool narcissist? I doubt it.
I am finding that distance is the only pathway toward the empowerment I need to give myself to feel safe enough to forgive. The cruelty and hatefulness that come from the narcs and their ilk there are no words for.
I am empowered although saddened to read such familiar stories. My younger sister who gets married in a couple of weeks has been the biggest bridezilla and told me , only me and no other guests to her wedding, what I can and cant wear on the day. I have told her that I wish her a happy life but I shall not be attending her wedding now. My mother has totally sided with her ( as she always does) . Neither of them have considered my feelings and what a complete outcast they have meade me feel in all this at all. The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for me and have included my sisters emotionally blackmailing pleas to my two sons whom she still wants to attend the wedding although her retort to my refusal of going to the wedding was ” Im glad youre not coming ” . My pschologist is pleased that I have stood up to her however I still feel bad , but I think this is because for the past 40 years I have bowed down to her dictating behaviourt and this is really the first time that I have stood up for myself.
My father abused me as a child and yet my younger sister has kept in touch with him , she would constantly talk of how ” wonderful ” he is to me, knowing full well that he abused me and also went to prison for raping a 13year old girl. He has signed the sex offenders register for life and yet she still thinks he is wonderful as he gives her money and calls her his “princess” . It disgusts me beyond belief and the only thing that I can do is walk away from it all as I now have to protect myself. My mother is psychologically fused with my sister and doesnt see her wrong doing in any of this so I actually feeel betrayed by her too which has caused a rift in my relationship with her. They both have a knack of hurting me and then dismissing my hurt and try to turn everything around so that the ” golden sister” looks like shes the innocent one , when she isnt. Both myself and my younger brother have been caught up in her pathetic narcissistic behaviour and have seen how my mother completely sides with her. At least I have an understanding brother to confide in and whom I can comfort when he feels the way i do. We have both distanced ourselves from her now
I am empowered although saddened to read such familiar stories. My younger sister who gets married in a couple of weeks, has told me , only me and no other guests to her wedding, what I can and cant wear on the day. I have told her that I wish her a happy life but I shall not be attending her wedding now. My mother has totally sided with her ( as she always does) . Neither of them have considered my feelings and what a complete outcast they have made me feel in all of this. The last couple of weeks have been extremely stressful for me and have included my sisters emotionally blackmailing pleas to my two sons,whom she still wants to attend her wedding although her retort to my refusal of going to the wedding was ” Im glad youre not coming ” . My psychologist is pleased that I have stood up to her, however I still feel bad , but I think this is because for the past 40 years I have bowed down to her dictating behaviour and this is really the first time that I have stood up for myself.
My father abused me as a child and yet my younger sister has kept in touch with him , she would constantly talk of how ” wonderful ” he is to me, cruelly knowing full well that he abused me and also went to prison for raping a 13year old girl. He has signed the sex offenders register for life and yet deludedly she still thinks he is wonderful, as he gives her money and calls her his “princess” . It disgusts me beyond belief and the only thing that I can do is walk away from it all as I now have to protect myself. My mother is psychologically fused with my sister and doesnt see her wrong doing in any of this so I actually feel betrayed by her too, which has caused a rift in my relationship with her. They both have a knack of hurting me and then dismissing my hurt and try to turn everything around so that the ” golden sister” looks like she’s the innocent one , when she isn’t.
Thank you so much for sharng your experience. My life with my younger sister parallels this almost to the letter. I am 48, my sister is 46. im only now getting wise to to her tactics after a lifetime of manipulative backstabbing. In trying to process everything, I found this website ….and finally some relief. I am going through the grieving process, after what Ive been told was a particularly traumatic betrayal o behalf of both my mother and sister, during the death of my highly abusive father. My father was dyi g from cancer and his request was to die at his home. I was called to co e out and there we were, the three of us together for an entire week in the same house, after 30 years of very limitrd contact. Bei g there with my mother and sister was surreal. It was like time reversed, my mother and sister reverting back to their respective roles of contemptuos bickering behind my back and other childish behaviors. only this time I recognized what was happening. I chose to focus on hr,oing my father be as co fortable as possibke and kill them with kindness. I did all the shopping andcooked lovely meals. I credit for my father to allow them to rest during game this time of high stress. I refused to outwardly acknowledge or put on the table how poorly they were treating g me. I turned the other cheek so my father could die in peace. Two days after my father died, on the day I was packed and ready to go back home, my younger sister physically assaulted me. Beat the hell out of me actually. Unknown to me, she had earlier called the police and falsified that she saw me push my mother. She told the police she acted in defense of our mother. Fortunately, the sheriff and prosecutor saw the truth, dropped the charges againat me and and asked if I wanted to file an assault charge against her. I declined, not wanting to stoop to her level. In hinesite, I wish now I hadnt. In addition to this, she made a Freudian slip that day she assaulted me. While screaming and calling me foul names she repeatedly yelled “get the f….off HER property” ( my parents have a large, waterfront estate). I later learned, while my father was on his deathbed, and before I arrived, my sister took my mother to an attourney and made her durable power of attorney. Unbeknownst to me, the entire week I was there, they were hiding a dirty little secret. They altered my fathers last wishes to provide me an iheritance upon his death. A year later, we are in a nasty lawsuit. My mother has played the damsel in dustress her entire life, the perpetual, suffering victim. As her prince was dying, she needed a new rescuer. Enter my sister. The betryal allowed my sister to become the executor of the entire estate, valued in the millions, entirely eliminating me from any inheritance. On the bright side, the relationships are completely severed and I no longer have to try to win the affection and approval of these nasty, narcissistic women. I am in the process essential of healing and I will have my day in court.
My older sister and mother always shut me out. If they were talking in a room and I walked in, they would stop talking until I left the room. I could hear them resume their conversation before I got more than 3 steps out of the door of the room. One of their many ways of letting me know that I wasn’t as good as they were. Of course if I had any doubt, my mother made sure to remind me that I wasn’t as nice, didn’t smile as much, wasn’t liked as much as my sister and brother, was a constant problem for my parents, etc.
I know now that my sister is toxic. She lies so much! An example: she has lied and said that she was coming to visit. I requested time off work so that I could spend time with her when she arrived, only for her to literally no-show, with no call, no apology, nothing. When I confronted her, she said that I couldn’t possibly understand how complicated her life is. And so many other things she has done that I would run out of space before I could list them!
My sister always said that she didn’t want kids. As soon as my daughter was born and my sister saw her at my parents’ house, she became pregnant the very next month. Of course, once my sister’s daughter was born, my parents never called or sent my daughter a birthday card, Christmas card, etc. My daughter didn’t need presents from them, we live comfortably and she is well taken care of. But I thought if it was possible for her to have the love of grandparents it would be something wonderful that I never experienced. My sister and mother wouldn’t allow it.
I worry about my sister’s daughter. I don’t know if my sister treats her like a narcissistic equal or treats her poorly. My sister is mean with my daughter — doesn’t acknowledge her birthday, Christmas, special events, and if our daughters were playing together in the past, my sister always stepped in to make sure my daughter played whatever/however her daughter wanted. I always send something to my niece because I want her to know that I think of her and love her. But having any contact with my sister leaves me feeling frustrated and betrayed. I don’t know what to do. The last time I talked with my niece on the phone she was so rude and well, snotty. I would never allow my daughter to talk that way to anyone. Can a 10 year old become a narcissist?
Breaking all contact with my parents was the most liberating thing I have ever done. It has been ten years and I have never regretted it. And I desperately want that release from my sister, but I don’t know how to be there for my niece if she ever needs me? Is there a chance that she won’t grow up to be like my sister?
This post describes my situation to a T. My sister is a dyed in the wool narcissist that thinks she’s the center of the Universe. In fact she’s literally said it’s all about her on more that one occasion. She’s called me at work and all hours of the night to demand an explanation as to why I didn’t call her at a specific moment, and when I once posted up a Bob Marley quote about not judging people, she thought it was directed at her (I just thought it was a cool quote), and sent me a nasty FB message, stating she had every right to judge me, and that I wasn’t a man because I didn’t call her or her children (my nephews) on her schedule. And whenever I stood up to her, or didn’t pick up the phone, or call her when she wanted me to, she’d run crying to our parents like a girl with a skinned knee, cry and whine about how I was the horrible one, how I was the evil sibling, and she was the angel who cared and that she had no earthly idea why I didn’t want to have a sibling relationship with her. And of course, because she was their little angel (she’s my older sibling) they believed it hook, line and sinker, and I was automatically guilty, all because she gave them a sanitized version of what happened that conveniently left out any parts that would make her look bad and proved that she was the one who initiated it, and that all I was doing was standing up for myself & defending my space.
And lately, she’s been spending nights searching me out on the Internet, trying to find any any every place I’ve hidden myself from her to try and get away from her narcissistic abuse. She even went so far as to selectively edit some old LiveJournal posts I put up years ago, made it sound like I was bashing my parents and others, and sent these edited posts to out parents 10 days before Christmas one year. My parents took it as gospel, and nothing I could say would dissuade them from believing these posts, which my sister sent them “anonymously”, and which were utter fabrications invented by my sister to get back at me for forwarding the message to them in which she said she had every right to judge me, and questioned my manhood for not calling her enough.
Fortunately for me, in spite of a horrific family of origin (and ‘friend’ who was actually a psychopath), I lived my young life (in my 20s) during the 1970s. It was 1975, a special and awareness awakening year for many (as this year is often quoted by others as a renewed sense of ‘other’ (beyond our upbringings, beyond established religion or ‘norms’ at the time).
I took off with a newly found male friend whom I had met in Montreal on his way to the Yukon Territory. We were everywhere on top of the globe. Barrow, Alaska…back then global warming had not manifested itself but undoubtedly was ‘in the works’ (but not to human consciousness). What a thrilling experience…a life of unparalleled freedom and adventure. We never had money troubles. In fact, much money could be made working at mining companies located in towns ending in ‘Creek’. Not just minerals/gold/silver, but in asbestos mines, without much danger.
I would wish this on anyone who has a desire for adventure in the High North. Still have friends scattered around the globe…some moved to the Caribbean (yeah, nice and warm!) while others populate Alaska (most of them in Anchorage), others are in British Columbia, and still others moved to Europe (Switzerland). We had a couple of cook-out get-togethers over the past 40-odd years. Everyone was happy and will never forget life in “The Bush” of the Yukon-Alaska territories.
Very well said and written with insight that could only be obtained through experience. Thank you for all the great articles, the validation and permission to break free.
In my case the narcissistic sibling is my brother who has also been diagnosed as bipolar. I was on the receiving end of his abuse physically as a child and verbally/emotionally as adults. It was very difficult to come to this realization, especially the physical part, as I have always been taught by my parents that I needed to forgive and “put on a happy face.” This has caused me to feel like the “outsider” in the family for most of my adult life and often have been discounted or ridiculed for truth telling, and for being too sensitive. So…I (finally) went to see a therapist who is helping me think through what going No contact with my brother will look like, knowing it will affect the relationship I have with his wife & kids. Of course it will be difficult moving forward as our parents are aging and I will have to interact with him on future decisions concerning them. My mom has signs of NPD as well. I am so grateful for my Christian Faith and a relationship with Christ and my husband who shares that with me! It is what has brought me through many things and will continue to sustain me, no matter what!
Reading your post was just exactly like me writing mine. I am just only learning to heal. The hurt of the lies she has told family and used me has been very hard for me to handle as she is my little sister and every time she rang and needed me or her kids i was there.
My sister flew down from Jersey to Florida to help prepare for my Ma’s Death. Little did I know, she just came down here to “help herself”. She was Power of Attorney & I was the primary caregiver. As soon as she got off the plane, she started her dirty work. She withdrew $2000 2 days after landing. (These were P.O.D. accounts…payable to ME! Because I was her caregiver). When i discovered that she was tampering with the bank accounts i calmly asked her to tell me what is happening. She went absolutely ballistic on me and called 911. The cops came & my ex-sister fabricated a story of domestic battery. Since I had beer on my breath they believed her story & I was thrown in jail for 38 hours. It was a nightmare. I was beat up by a correctional officer for begging for a menstrual pad. While I was in jail I was told I could not go home upon release. My ex-sister had a restraining order against me & she was in MY HOUSE! In FL, the plaintive gets to stay in my house while i lived like a refugee for 9 days. I had no access to my medication & had a seizure because of it. She ransacked & trashed the house and took the title & keys to my brand new Jeep, the deed to the house, the title to the car that I BOUGHT my Ma! While she was there, she tried to lure my Fiance to come collect my animals (my ex-sister knew that sending a 3rd party to the house would be a breach of the restraining order & would be thrown in jail again. And then she emptied out all the bank accounts. Now she is trying to steal my house under the pretense that I am mentally ill…(I suffer from anxiety & depression) but I am definitely not incompetent! Also she has been texting my Fiance saying that I have been cheating on him. (Yet another lie!)
Wow. I just turned 60 and am JUST discovering what my 3 older sisters are. I honestly always thought I was the problem because I certainly had problems. So I overcame alot of my problems in hope that my mother and sisters would accept and love me. Though I lived like Mother Theresa and did all the right things in life, nothing changed. Just more betrayals and lies. I couldn’t understand it. I went through hell. By now, the lies and serious betrayals have happened so long, it has become painfully but liberatingly obvious. I was never the problem! They simply were not, and this is the painful part, the sisters and mother I thought. They are deceitful liars and thieves who always did their best to hold me back and keep me down because they see my love as a weakness and use it as a tool. The best thing I could have realized is that even with my problems, I’m ok. Now that realize that what they are has a name, it explains so much and I can stop trying to be ok when I already am. Now, I can focus on living.
I had a narcissistic Dad, 2 Sisters & 2 Brothers to contend with. I am the yougest of 8 children. My youngest Sister & an older Brother were the worst.
It was very hard living in a family with so many of them. My Dad had a few gifts in music & fixing things, but he would never teach you or allow you lessons. I realised years ago that was down to him not liking people in the family having skills.
My youngest Sister was downright cruel to me & most of the family. She forced me to do her jobs by threatening violence, so i had mega kitchen chores aged 7 yrs old. I was cooking meals by 11 when my Mother was at work. She would do ‘kind’ things at times, but it was so she could have payback.
She continued to abuse me & I kept the peace until my Dad died. Then–she launched into my Dads 2nd Wife & bullied her out of things she had no right to take. That was it–I turned my back on her. No contact, cards or anything.
Since then she has managed to manipulate my oldest Brother, but he’s seen through her. Now she’s manipulated his Daughter in Law, who has now stopped contact with me. I can live with it–it’s better than her being in my life manipulating me & my children.
It’s very sad, but necessary to cut all contact.
I think we must be related to the same sister. Get rid of her. It will be hard, but worth it in the end.
So sorry–it’s awful living under the shadow of them.
Good luck & good riddance
So much like my Sister. She made a pass at every boyfriend I had. She reported me to the authorities for tax evasion, insurance evasion & paying low wages. I was inspected & nothing was found.
She told lies, stole, caused trouble. She even stole a large sum of money from my Mother as she was dying & told me she took it to pay off debts. Then I found out from my Dads 2nd Wife that the debts were cleared by them.
Vile woman–so muc more I could say. Very dangerous.
Is it just me or do the sharks really come out during parental deaths?
This seems the time for the major reckoning. Holy cow. Cannibals everywhere.
Thanks for this post. There seems to be a real lack of information about narcissistic siblings on the web. Ironically, my mother was always pegged as the “crazy” one, with her children thoroughly indoctrinated to hate her by my father. I suppose this is one of the hallmarks of textbook emotional abuse inflicted by one spouse onto another. Mom had nowhere to go. I think she believed herself to be crazy at one point. I really didn’t understand that this behavior was abusive towards her until I was well into my 20s. Perhaps it became more apparent when my own family started treating me that way as well on a regular basis.
Oldest sister was his most devoted minion and indoctrinator working on my father’s behalf, and she could do no wrong almost right up until the end. She was and is still very effective in persuading people, to the point of being scary- capable of lying without batting an eye, even if it’s over something trivial.
I’ll forgive him now — he’s dead, after all– but some of my older siblings feel justified in carrying his torch. Ugly generational habits repeat themselves, and seem to have become 10x worse with the baby-boomer/generation X set. My only question now is which unfortunate child in the next generation will be designated “IT”.
I think with my sister, the pain in realizing that she was not trustworthy was the worst. I had been raised to acknowledge and respect her as a substitute mother, quite literally. While I poured my heart out to her year after year, she made a joke out of me behind my back, and she ultimately used whatever she knew in order to wage some character assassination once she felt I was “in the way”. Luckily, there were many accusations that were blatantly untrue and considered absurd by witnesses, but the damage will always be there.
Throughout childhood, I was her little spy, telling her all the juicy tidbits she wanted to know about my parents, or stuff about the other kids who were still at home. Little elephants have big ears, I guess, and I wanted acceptance (which as the designated token “loser” child, I wanted more than anything). Once I stopped telling her “everything” and agreeing with her on “everything”, I stopped being the “good little girl” and became “the b*tch”.
Emotional enmeshment with my other siblings is in full swing with the advent of texting and social media– she has taken over the mother role, and relishes pointing that out to our own mother at any opportunity.
Unfortunately, she has some random ways in which is is able to hoover my child when I am not around. I’m only thankful that I am capable of recognizing the danger my child and I face if she gets too close to him. She’ll make sure she will take advantage of every opportunity she can to teach my child to hate or disrespect his mother (Me). She did this to me for THIRTY + YEARS to get back at her own mother/our mother on daddy’s behalf, I wouldn’t put it past her for one moment.
While I am not happy to see all of these post from others like myself, it is somewhat nice to know that I am not alone. I have felt like I was the only one and somehow crazy that my sister and mother had fused together and made it their mission to destroy my life. Not sure what I did to deserve the vile hatred that they spew. To most everyone they portray to be the best loving people around, and the victims and/or sickly. The last straw for me was when she lied to my ex husband saying I was heavily into drugs and that I had even offered her drugs amongst many other viscious lies. I am very learly of medicine, people who know me know I barely even take a Tylenol much less anything else. All my friends laughed. But with my sisters help and some shiesty atty my son lives with father and I get him whenever they see fit, even with a perfectly clean hair follicle test. Its ridiculous how much energy she had spent her entire life trying to ruin mine. I have gone no contact with my family and it is very hard. Thankful I found this site.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. No only do you sound stronger for going through it you have strengthened me and I am sure those that read it that also are dealing with similar people in their lives
A VERY Rickety-Rackkety situation indeed . . . . . . Someone actin’ this way to another sister!
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