Month: September 2015

Narcissists Lack a Real Conscience

Are you concerned at times that you have hurt someone’s feelings due to your harsh words or actions? Do you have worries that you misspoke out of anger and your own projections? Do you apologize when you have caused someone  distress?  These are  a few of the questions that those who have a conscience exam within themselves. Individuals with conscience care about the emotional and psychological welfare of other people. They monitor themselves and make every effort to do and say what is right and fair.  (This post refers to female and male narcissists).

Conscience is developed, not innate. By the time a child is three a primitive conscience begins to emerge through the quality of parenting. By the age of seven or eight, the conscience becomes more mature. Conscience grows as a result of parental input that provides the growing child with a sense of caring about the feelings of others. The good parent sets limits on a child’s impulses and wishes in a healthy way. Conscience  develops and becomes more refined throughout life (or doesn’t).

Conscience, the capacity to distinguish what is right and wrong and to experience guilt when we have done harm to another is absent in the narcissist. These individuals do everything in their power not to get caught in their deceptive, unethical and illegals deeds.  For them, this is “conscience.”

The narcissist is ruthlessly goal oriented to the extent that he or she is always in the fast lane to achieve his goals regardless of the harm and distress that it causes others. If lying is the best way to win–that’s fine.  The narcissist rationalizes his lies or doesn’t even acknowledge them.

Lack of conscience makes the narcissist’s movement to the finish line first much easier. He doesn’t have to be concerned about the devastating effects of his misdeeds upon others, especially spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children, co-workers, business partners and everyone who crosses his path.

How often have you seen reckless drivers on the freeway, threading in and out of heavy traffic at high speeds.  These individuals are endangering everyone else on the road but that doesn’t matter to them.  This is a visual metaphor for the narcissist who moves through the fast lane of his life goals without conscience, empathy, compassion or guilt. These individuals sleep at night without a quiver of guilt.

Our current society is exceedingly narcissistic. Being ruthless without conscience is highly accepted in many sectors of this current narcissistic climate.  Winning, “succeeding” at any cost–have become life goals. There is nothing the matter with success.  We work diligently with our gifts to do better and use our efforts to perform professionally and personally on a high level. But we do this with conscience.

Along with the narcissist’s lack of conscience comes deception, duplicitousness, manipulations and exploitation.  As the narcissist races through life, he is regressing and becoming more deeply entrenched in these pathological personality traits and actions.

Learn to recognize the narcissist quickly so that you will protect yourself from these individuals. Being informed is very powerful. You will know what to expect–nothing!

Remember,  you have a conscience—the narcissist doesn’t and will not develop one.  This is a fixed personality constellation that is not inclined to change.

You are evolving all of the time. This process is not a straight forward line. There are plateaus, trials, disappointments, losses, fears and regrets that we face. This is the life process. Give yourself tremendous credit for being a person of conscience and compassion.  You are that unique individual that always strives to do the right thing especially when no one is watching or will ever find out.  It is in the deep inner self that you feel the peace of your authenticity and integrity.

Healing from Your Narcissistic Mother Begins Now

It is very difficult, painful and complex for children of narcissistic mothers to heal their psychological and emotional wounds. One of the hardest parts of this process is in the recognition that your mother is a narcissistic personality. When we grow up we learn to survive and cope with the circumstances and roles that we are given. Small children cannot know that their mother, the person whom they are entitled to trust the most, is incapable of this sacred maternal bond.  Some small children know early that mother didn’t love or care deeply about them. They could feel it, see it in their mother’s eyes, hear her shrill voice, watch her walk away from them, punish them in frightening, alarming ways for no reason except their very existence.

The time of knowing that your mother is a narcissist will come. It dawns often in the process of healing from this non-parent. Yet each time we are awakened to this truth, there is a tendency for this painful knowledge to fade, for the child to make excuses for the parent or to think he or she is unworthy, defective even bad.

You have been through a series of hells with your narcissistic mother. You have gone back and forth with the No Contact, Minimal Contact modes. Other family members put pressure on you to see your mother. They don’t understand your perspective or life experience with her. This is the case because narcissistic mothers are consummate actors. They fool everyone but you. Even your brothers and sisters think there is something intrinsically the matter with you since “mom” is such a wonderful person. You are often the odd person out–You hold the truth; everyone around you does not.

To heal you cannot wait for your family members and others to come to the realization that your mother is a narcissist who has treated you coldly, cruelly and dismissively.

Give yourself time and space to heal. This is a long complex process worth the passage–the recovery of your true self, the person you were always meant to be.

Begin the practice of putting yourself first. Make sure that you learn to take very good care of your total being: physical, mental, emotional, psychological, spiritual. There are many pathways to healing. They begin with activating the calming part of your nervous system, the parasympathetic, the restorative that brings your inner peace and belongs to you.

Seek relationships that nurture you. Pay attention to getting the sleep that you need and deserve. Exercise your way. Listen to great music, enjoy the beauty of art in every form, merge with Nature, the Great Healer that restores, calms and revives our life force. Develop a practice of quieting the mind in a regular way that works for you. This can be guided meditation, readings that inspire you, yoga poses that open your heart and heal you and finding creative activities that speak to you personally. Make an effort to find other individuals who are warm and compassionate, who understand you, are loyal and whom you can count on and trust. It is surprising when we find these great people. We see it in their eyes and feel their warm, loving hearts.

Be kind and patient with yourself as you move through your sacred healing.

Narcissistic Mother Chooses Golden Child Sister–Not You

Narcissistic mothers often pick a favorite child–the kid that has it all: good looks, intellectual brightness, a gleaming personality, athletic prowess. These “mothers” know what they want–the child who will provide them with the perfect ever-lasting narcissistic supply. What could be better than to have a reflection of yourself as part of your own DNA. The bragging rights with this kid are endless. From the beginning the narcissistic mother makes it very clear that you are the outcast, the victim, the “less than” who will never make the grade.

You remember as a small child that your sister was the one who always shined in the family. She was called gifted, beautiful, the achiever, even the Star. Some children under these survival circumstances accept the role of not being “chosen.” They must get through their lives each day and as a result accept their roles as second, third, an also ran or not even in the game (or family).

The narcissistic mother brags to everyone that your sister is her favorite. She does it in a variety of ways–by providing special lessons to the Princess, by making sure she attends all the right schools (not you–you are on your own)  through dramatic over the top displays of praise and adulation.  You are the one who is criticized, demeaned and humiliated.

There are no limits placed on this budding narcissistic sister who never forms a conscience and exerts her power over you at every turn. This is so frightening to the child who is the outcast. She feels completely alone with no one to turn to. In some cases there is comfort in a grandmother or aunt who pays attention to the unchosen child but often the scapegoat gets the crumbs or less.

Throughout their lives these outcast children suffer and bear psychological cruelties. Some leave home very early to get away from the narcissistic toxicity. Others find ways to be invisible by staying the homes of friends most of the time. Many find comfort in libraries and through reading and flights of the imagination and Nature. All along there is pain inside for this forgotten sister. Many of them are very strong and courageous and decide that they will not be defeated. They find their way despite all of the obstacles placed in front of them by the narcissistic mother and sister.

Decades later the psychopathological pattern remains. Narcissistic mother and royal sister are thick as thieves. They feed off of one another’s egos.

The sister who received the abusive treatment from the narcissistic duo travels a long road to her awakening of the real self. In some cases quality psychotherapy is very helpful. In others these individuals take a spiritual route where they discover solace and inner peace. Many find friends and partners who demonstrate deep love for them. These are times of healing and growth. The evolving self continues its journey throughout life. If we are not growing we are regressing and so we move forward despite the pain of the past and the injustices that we cannot change. We learn from them, deepen our insights, soften our hearts, maintain our mental and psychological stamina and remain in touch with our souls.

Narcissist–Master of Deceit

“The narcissist is at all times a deceiver, never straight, clear, or true …He has mastered the ability to delude himself and others. Like a sorcerer, he hatches intricate plots in secret.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

The false self narcissist lives in a world of delusion and bombastic self adoration. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)  He expects everyone to pay attention only to him. He is the singular person who exists unless you are the bearer of re-circulating narcissistic supplies.

Deceit is the narcissist’s middle name. This individual is always playing a game, hatching a plot, planning how he will trap, uproot, degrade, diminish and conquer you. This is especially the case when a marriage has disintegrated and you are in the throes of the divorce wars. Narcissists are relentless in their attacks, plots and plans to make sure that you don’t get anything–financial, psychological, emotional–out of the dissolution of the marriage. In fact, narcissists want what legally belongs to you. I have seen so many cases where the abused spouse has been left with almost nothing after a series of cruel, ugly skirmishes during the divorce. The narcissist is always armed with a trickster of an attorney (often another narcissist or socialized sociopath) who is paid the big bucks to collude with his client. Narcissists love to run the table on you during a divorce. Often this includes a tug a war with the children. Narcissists are incapable of love but they use their children as living narcissistic supplies. There is a great ugly series of battles that go on over the children.

The narcissist is a method actor who convinces everyone else that you are the bad person or weak and incompetent one–He tells lies about you to family members and friends indicating that you are psychologically unstable or even crazy.

Knowing in advance the true nature of your narcissistic spouse will help you tremendously to prepare for the divorce. Vital to this process is your learning to take charge and care of yourself. Keep your distance from the narcissist–remember that he/she is always in some state of rage, just waiting to project psychological venom on to you. If you think of the narcissist as a clinical case, this can help you to maintain a clear distance and maintain healthy psychological boundaries.

Surround yourself with individuals whom you trust and who have your welfare uppermost in their minds. Take time for yourself alone. Nourish yourself in every way possible. Seek practices that calm your nervous system–beautiful music, Nature, creative spontaneous writing and journaling, gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose, acupuncture that helps your nervous system move into the parasympathetic, spending time with people who can be trusted and care deeply about you and your evolution as an individual who deserves deep inner peace and the full use of all of your creative gifts.

 

Narcissists Love to Play Psychological Gotcha!

Narcissists are always plotting and planning your psychological demise if you are in their way.  They come on with their magnificent charm, endless promises, seductive ways and excessive confidence. They know precisely when and how to strike to make you feel ashamed, unworthy, a failure, ugly, a castoff. They have a cruel gift of  knowing exactly when to pop up in your presence when you are feeling particularly vulnerable and at your wits end.

Narcissistic mothers target their scapegoated children with multiple humiliations and caustic criticisms; narcissistic siblings make the unexpected grand entrance in all of their glory to put you down; narcissistic spouses wait for the right moment to emotionally pummel and humiliate you.

Narcissists are feverishly competitive. They must always win over you. They keep score. They know your moods, your weaknesses, how easily you can be deceived with their lies. Since they don’t have a developed conscience they are not burdened by wounding you psychologically, emotionally and financially.  You are not on the same moral footing as the narcissist. He or she doesn’t have a moral compass. Their True North is what they want and must have. Playing their game of Psychological Gotcha they put you back in their control  in the fight or flight sympathetic nervous system.

Be prepared for the Gotcha game of the narcissist by practicing daily healing in the ways that work best for you. Learn how to move toward the parasympathetic calming restorative nervous system through getting the sleep that you need, eating foods that nourish and sustain you, exercising regularly in the way that works best for you, stretching and doing gentle yoga poses with emphasis on breathing through the nose (Nostril breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system). Creative activities—writing, sketching, painting, music, dance–all of these and more activate the restorative healing parts of your body and mind. Guided meditation is another way of calming the body and mind. Short periods of meditation –3 to 5 minutes a day done consistently moves you toward healing. This accumulates over time.  You will find that you are calmer, stronger, have more physical and psychological stamina.

As you heal and get stronger, you will find others whom you can trust, individuals who are not narcissists and who are empathic. We don’t need a lot of friends, just a few. Friendship is a powerful part of healing and sustaining us throughout our lives.

End the cruel Narcissistic Psychological Gotcha game by using these practices and your deep intuition which always tells you the truth. Pay  close attention to these messages. We tend to wave them off. Don’t share your intuitions with most people. They won’t believe you. It is a waste of your time and effort. You will find very few individuals who trust this kind of knowledge. The more you use your intuition the more powerful it becomes.

Trust the healing process within you. Celebrate your individuality and authenticity. Embrace your creativity. Feel your loving heart.