“The narcissist is at all times a deceiver, never straight, clear, or true …He has mastered the ability to delude himself and others. Like a sorcerer, he hatches intricate plots in secret.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)
The false self narcissist lives in a world of delusion and bombastic self adoration. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) He expects everyone to pay attention only to him. He is the singular person who exists unless you are the bearer of re-circulating narcissistic supplies.
Deceit is the narcissist’s middle name. This individual is always playing a game, hatching a plot, planning how he will trap, uproot, degrade, diminish and conquer you. This is especially the case when a marriage has disintegrated and you are in the throes of the divorce wars. Narcissists are relentless in their attacks, plots and plans to make sure that you don’t get anything–financial, psychological, emotional–out of the dissolution of the marriage. In fact, narcissists want what legally belongs to you. I have seen so many cases where the abused spouse has been left with almost nothing after a series of cruel, ugly skirmishes during the divorce. The narcissist is always armed with a trickster of an attorney (often another narcissist or socialized sociopath) who is paid the big bucks to collude with his client. Narcissists love to run the table on you during a divorce. Often this includes a tug a war with the children. Narcissists are incapable of love but they use their children as living narcissistic supplies. There is a great ugly series of battles that go on over the children.
The narcissist is a method actor who convinces everyone else that you are the bad person or weak and incompetent one–He tells lies about you to family members and friends indicating that you are psychologically unstable or even crazy.
Knowing in advance the true nature of your narcissistic spouse will help you tremendously to prepare for the divorce. Vital to this process is your learning to take charge and care of yourself. Keep your distance from the narcissist–remember that he/she is always in some state of rage, just waiting to project psychological venom on to you. If you think of the narcissist as a clinical case, this can help you to maintain a clear distance and maintain healthy psychological boundaries.
Surround yourself with individuals whom you trust and who have your welfare uppermost in their minds. Take time for yourself alone. Nourish yourself in every way possible. Seek practices that calm your nervous system–beautiful music, Nature, creative spontaneous writing and journaling, gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose, acupuncture that helps your nervous system move into the parasympathetic, spending time with people who can be trusted and care deeply about you and your evolution as an individual who deserves deep inner peace and the full use of all of your creative gifts.
6 thoughts on “Narcissist–Master of Deceit”
Thank you Linda x You get me through, you validate my experiences and feelings. You truly understand the various forms of abuse these vile creatures throw at you, especially when they know you are most vulnerable. Our dear elderly Kelpie who was our entire world died the most beautiful, peaceful death in my arms at home. We even did a photography shoot six months prior as my intuition was telling me it was getting close to our babies time. I was brave for her until she found her wings. She has been through everything with me. Him, marriage, births, deaths, laughter, tears, everything. It was the end of an era once she left this world. Our sweetheart was picked up by the cremation company, I insisted on carrying her myself to the car, wrapped in her favourite blanket, I did everything and anything possible for our sweetheart. When our babies ashes were due to come home I was forced to deal with him re the children and time frames. I needed to be home for our baby girls ashes though also needed to arrange the kids with him. So I told him about our baby knowing how evil he is though thinking surely under these circumstances and putting the kids first he would co operate. BIG mistake! I don’t know why I held out hope that he would put the kids first and have some respect. I should have known better! I think that it is just that I don’t move through life in the same way and find it difficult to believe (even though I know how evil he is) I thought despite how evil he is that at a point he would allow us some respect. I went through hell with him once he became aware. He tortured us in ways I find incomprehensible. And he had his way. I have no words for what he did. He 100% used it to his advantage. He did the same as my father was dying, that was three years ago now. I should have known better though I have stopped beating myself up. I found the above impossible to navigate as I am the opposite to him and believe in truth, honesty, love and compassion. I am human, he is not. I still believe at times (despite the fact it has never occurred) that good will win in the end though in over 14 years of marriage, separation and this nightmare, never once. For those of you going through this learn from my mistake and listen to Linda. Research as much as you can, if you are able to stop all contact and don’t respond if there is contact. It is not possible to do that with children (not in Australia) so that one is a tough gig though you can reduce contact. I especially love the end of your blogs Linda. Self care is something I had never, ever done. I am learning that now and the benefits are incredible in finding strength and some peace in all of this. x
Narcissism is almost unreal to me.
I find it difficult to believe at times.
How could someone be so cold, cruel and callous in their treatment of good people? People that have done nothing but love them. But yes it is true, it is real!
Thanks for nailing it right on the head..no frills. Terrifying yet true. Great advice about healing and exactly what I’m doing, so you’ve helped strengthen my self-belief that I’m actually learning to survive serious narcissist abuse and thrive because of it! Thank you! Strength, respect and encouragement to all others who choose to use their profound, traumatic experiences to help develop, transform and grow themselves rather than remain in an unbearably broken state. Every day now gets easier and more relieving. At times it has felt like an impossible journey. In the words of Dory from Finding Nemo “Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!” Don’t give up! Keep going! You’re worth it x
Narcissism has crushed my soul and taken away from me nurturing my children. I was put down just because my 3 year old daughter used the potty with me. It’s little things like that in which I’ve battled for the last seven years. However I can never feel sorrow in front of him and he can never be to blame. For the tiniest of things that aren’t evening blaming him but more of trying to ‘work together’. He doesn’t see it that way. I’ve never been allowed to have feelings. We don’t have friends although I’ve tried making friends with our children’s friends parents. He wants nothing to do with it. He hates going to their sporting events, however the only time I see him being kind or interested in the kids is when we’re in public. I started telling myself “I’ll take what I can get”. It’s been a battle. Mostly to protect my children’s individuality. Allowing them to talk about their feelings and interest without being criticized. Acting as if he knows everything and we know nothing. But that’s the killer… They’re so cunning, we start to believe we are worthless. And now here I am fighting for a clear thought. Wondering if I am worthless or not. It’s not easy being perfect when you’re put down all the time. I’ve been reading about shame and trying to fight my way through it with him, but have only found myself starting to drink due to depression. I work and take care of the kids and house. He only has to go to work. We sit at home each weekend doing nothing. I’m not allowed to ask him to be engaged otherwise it becomes a fight until I give in. I haven’t given in this time. However with our history most likely I will. We live in a very expensive city. I don’t make enough money right now to afford a home for my children and I. I want them to stay in their schools. It’s a tough tough place to be. Am I worthless? Is he right? Are people really willing to talk nice to eachother or will everyone see me as a failure?
If he doesn’t want to participate with you and the kids, don’t worry about it. He has that right. That’s what I did. I quit reacting and just made memories with my daughter.
Oh yea, devious, deceit, and narcissist-in-chief, this man I lived with, loved and married for 35 years truly sucked up so many years of my life, that I am still angry about it, even now that he left and walked out of our marriage 2 years ago. At age 58, I know I’m not dead, yet, but wished he had let me go many years ago. Married in 1980 while we were both serving in the U.S. Navy, we had to marry quickly due to his transfer from Hi to Charleston, SC on a nuclear submarine. The commonality we shared ended once I had my first child, but he went on in his career, so I supported him and loved him.
Now that we are in the throws of divorce, he submitted his financial disclosures to my attorney a month ago, Yet…. one of our son’s friends found out by doing a search of my husband’s name that on his social media page, my husband posted that he just got a new, much higher paying and salary job with the state of CA. Busted!!!! The next day, with little sleep on my part, I couldn’t wait to call my attorney and tell her of this stunning, crafty, deceitful news. My friends are shocked that my husband did this, posting his new job, blatantly announcing he is making more money now. Since I didn’t work, and we also have a disabled son who lives with me, my attorney is seeking spousal support for me, and know I will be getting it, and more now.
I really want to begin meeting people and learn how to trust the opposite sex too, but since my narcissist husband hurt me so badly, it’s going to take many more years of healing to do so. Only hopeful now and learning how to take it slow, breath and do whatever I want to do.
Comments are closed.