Month: May 2015

Grandiose Narcissists Can’t Stop Talking About Their Perfect Worlds

The classic grandiose narcissist performs at center stage in the spotlight. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) He/she demands your total unblinking attention. I recall a number of these individuals whom I have known personally and professionally. They grab the psychological space in a room. They regal us with stories of their perfect lives.

How often have you been psychologically accosted by a narcissistic personality? They won’t leave you alone. They are filled with stories of their latest triumphs. They talk about their superior family members who are the highest academic and professional achievers. Everyone that provides them with narcissistic supply is extraordinary not because they are fine human beings but because they have gone to the right schools, have obtained superlative grades, have high graduate degrees and multiple offers in professional career positions that will pay them extraordinary salaries. I am not disparaging those who achieve in these ways. I applaud those who succeed in these arenas. They are most often fine people.

The point is that the narcissist must tell these stories in order to make him look better than anyone else. He or she is not only bragging about his own accomplishments but extends them to family members who then become a part of his narcissistic domain of adulation and praise. When I have tried to actually have a conversation with these narcissists it is as if they cannot hear you. They don’t acknowledge anything that you are saying. You might as well not be there. You could nave placed a cardboard cutout of yourself in place and left. There is no genuine interaction with narcissists. They give speeches, make grandiose comments, and won’t stop the mindless chatter.

You want to get away from them. You make the decision to excuse yourself and some of them follow you with their “I have a perfect life” rant. Learn to leave the scene early. It is not worth your time and attempts at listening or trying to be heard to remain in these circumstances. The narcissist is always there for his close-up. For him, you are part of the inanimate stage set.

It is still remarkable to watch narcissists and recognize each time how completely wrapped up in themselves they are. They carry with them load upon load of narcissistic supplies–the praise of others, the accomplishments of family members, the constant name-dropping, comments about their extraordinary professional and personal achievements, etc.

I think about those who are married to one of these individuals and cringe at what they have to hear every single day. It is exhausting. Besides the braggadocio the narcissist is highly critical and demeaning to those closest to him. He picks away at the slightest mistake and manufactures reasons for disdaining you out of whole cloth. These are bald lies that the narcissist twists into his “truth” about you and your innumerable shortcomings and poor character traits. Remember that these cruel pronouncements are psychological projections and have nothing to do with your character or capabilities at all.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth so that you are highly informed. Practice self care. Get the sleep, exercise, nourishment and respite that you need and deserve. Use your creativity gifts and discover others that have been hidden as a result of being involved with the narcissist.

If you are married to a narcissist you may decide that you can no longer live with this person who is always giving speeches to self and throwing you crumbs and volleys of criticisms. Make a plan that works for you. Talk to a few friends whom you trust and are available to listen with empathy. In some cases meeting with an excellent therapist can be helpful. Pay close attention to your intuition. It is always accurate and reveals the truth.

Narcissistic Doctors Intimidate Their Patients

* There are excellent fine ethical physicians who have impeccable characters and are devoted to the health and well being of their patients.

I am talking about narcissistic physicians who have all of the traits of the narcissistic personality: extreme self entitlement, volcanic rage, manipulative, duplicitous, shading of the truth, believing that they are perfect, without any flaws, incapable of empathy, and have the wealth and money motive above the welfare of their patients. Doctors are not gods—Greek, Christian, pagan, or otherwise.

Quite often in our narcissistic society, these individuals are highly successful. Narcissistic physicians are very charming and often very bright and well educated. Being smart does not mean that a person has a good character or deeply cares about another human being. Some of the most pathological individuals I have met and known have been super “smart.” In this society, there is a tendency to believe that those who are very successful are fine human beings. This is not true. On the reverse side, those who don’t succeed materially are considered to be failures and are questioned by some to have deficient characters.

Make sure that your physician is not a narcissistic personality. Those looking after other people’s health shouldn’t act this way. Many healthcare centers are actually pushing their staff to treat patients better. They believe that the patient should have a great experience with the staff. To learn more about the ideal patient experience, people can always check out a site like https://www.qualtrics.com/blog/patient-experience/. Hopefully, more physicians and healthcare staff will be nicer to patients. Despite this, some workers may still be narcissistic. Look out for the following signs. Does he or she listen intently to you? Do you have a clear sense that he cares about your health and well-being?
Does he/she respect your input or do his eyes glaze over and you are corrected dismissively for your ignorance. In some cases with narcissistic physicians when you are alone with them, they will project their psychological venom onto you. I remember a time with a psychiatrist whom I had just met and who was highly recommended to me, telling me that I had a problem with my cognitive process–in other words, within minutes this person was saying that my thought process was deeply flawed. I was shocked at first–then I realized that this was a primitive projection on his part. I responded to him quickly and clearly, telling him that he was projecting and that the interview was over.

Many patients are intimidated to confront a professional in this way. If you are concerned, bring a friend with you to sit in on the preliminary meeting and take a long hard look at this professional. After all, you have hired them. They are working for you so that your health on every level will be the best possible.

Narcissists Destroy Their Families

When you meet a narcissist—especially a very smooth attractive one–you would never guess that he/she is decimating his family—spouses, children, siblings, in-laws, grandparents, etc. Narcissists go viral. Their venom spreads out to every family member. There are some individuals who even as small children know that there is something very wrong with their mother or father, that this person is toxic to them. They keep their emotional distance from this person whom they are asked to call mother or father. Some family members survive by becoming invisible. As soon as they are able they spend long periods of time away from their home. Some find hiding places in their rooms or outside. They learn how to avoid their own parent.

Other family members–spouses and children–go along with the pathological thinking and behaviors of the narcissistic parent. They will tell you how much they love the narcissistic parent who is crushing them. They have never made a psychological separation from this poisonous person.

Some adult children of narcissists are still holding on to a non-parent who has hijacked their lives. Some children in the family are chosen to be the special ones who represent the narcissist’s power,brilliance, talent, physical attractiveness and magnetism. Many consider them the lucky ones. They are treated like little gods but they are not real people. They are pariahs who are allowed to emotionally harm their siblings. They are raised to the heights by the parents and believe they are perfect and superior. They treat their siblings like dirt, lie about them, get them into serious trouble with the narcissistic parent, etc.

These dark narcissistic family patterns do not stop. Fortunately, there are individuals within these families who grow up to be genuine, solid, kind and productive human beings. Your best offensive is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality and learn to take very good care of yourself.

Narcissistic Spouses Thrive on Their Hidden Agendas

Narcissists don’t tell the truth. It has been unfamiliar to them since childhood. From the beginning they learned to make up stories about their self importance, social mastery, intellectual brilliance, unique talents. These vignettes of greatness effortlessly roll off of their tongues. They have been practicing the art of self deception all of their lives.

Narcissists are highly secretive in their words and deeds. Everything they do or say is designed to protect their sense of perfection, self importance, superiority and greatness. This is especially the case with the classic larger than life narcissist. (This post refers to male and female narcissists).
When you enter a relationship with a narcissist it is unlikely you will be aware of how these individuals operate. Don’t blame yourself. The classic narcissist is highly skilled at attracting people to him whom he can control, manipulate and exploit. Many narcissists are very charming and attractive. They have an exciting vibe that magnetizes us to them. They know what to say that evokes a positive response within us. When the narcissist is on his seduction game it is very difficult to back off. We take in the compliments, the laser beam attention that encompasses us, the feeling of confidence that they communicate. The air is electric with their presence. It is a very believable fantasy. We are swept up by the charm offense of this intriguing individual. We are captivated and can’t let go. This is the beginning of the story for many individuals and their encounters with highly skilled narcissistic personalities.

Beneath the surface of this high level stage performance is the hidden agenda. The narcissist is seeking something from you that he must have as a narcissistic supply that will enhance his perfect image and worldly stature: your physical attractiveness, social/business status, financial positioning, your influential family connections, your education and professional pedigree. The narcissist knows how to “go for the gold” that he finds in you. He may even need to find someone of good character to play against his less than sterling moral profile.

Some readers and clients tell me that they knew before they married their spouse that he was narcissistic–self absorbed, selfish, lacking empathy, given to rising rages, image driven and lacking in emotional intimacy. Despite this intuitive sight they married the narcissist anyway.
As the years of the marriage progress, the character traits of the narcissist come sharply into view. The spouse is constantly subjected to the Hidden Agenda. Promises made are always broken. The reasons for these breaches are lies that work for the narcissist’s whims and desires. During the end of these marriages the narcissistic spouse insists that a fair mediation agreement that will be fair and amicable. Not true! The narcissist hires lawyers from hell (often narcissistic personalities) who whipsaw the opposing side into a court room ordeal designed to exhaust and drain the victim of abuse. In the meantime the narcissistic spouse secretly moves his financial resources to safety for his private use.
Making and acting on the decision to leave a narcissistic spouse permanently is a huge step. It is a difficult road to travel but a necessary one if you are going to move forward with your life and the recovery that you deserve. As you heal you know deep inside that there are never going to be any more hidden agendas or psychological ambushes.
Learn to put yourself first. You deserve this. The process of healing requires your patience and self understanding. Be kind to yourself and give yourself tremendous credit for moving ever more confidently along your life journey.