When you meet a narcissist—especially a very smooth attractive one–you would never guess that he/she is decimating his family—spouses, children, siblings, in-laws, grandparents, etc. Narcissists go viral. Their venom spreads out to every family member. There are some individuals who even as small children know that there is something very wrong with their mother or father, that this person is toxic to them. They keep their emotional distance from this person whom they are asked to call mother or father. Some family members survive by becoming invisible. As soon as they are able they spend long periods of time away from their home. Some find hiding places in their rooms or outside. They learn how to avoid their own parent.
Other family members–spouses and children–go along with the pathological thinking and behaviors of the narcissistic parent. They will tell you how much they love the narcissistic parent who is crushing them. They have never made a psychological separation from this poisonous person.
Some adult children of narcissists are still holding on to a non-parent who has hijacked their lives. Some children in the family are chosen to be the special ones who represent the narcissist’s power,brilliance, talent, physical attractiveness and magnetism. Many consider them the lucky ones. They are treated like little gods but they are not real people. They are pariahs who are allowed to emotionally harm their siblings. They are raised to the heights by the parents and believe they are perfect and superior. They treat their siblings like dirt, lie about them, get them into serious trouble with the narcissistic parent, etc.
These dark narcissistic family patterns do not stop. Fortunately, there are individuals within these families who grow up to be genuine, solid, kind and productive human beings. Your best offensive is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality and learn to take very good care of yourself.
19 thoughts on “Narcissists Destroy Their Families”
How do I save my grandchildren.
I’ve been doing a lot of research on narcissism now that I recognize it within my own family. I’m determined not the let this cycle continue.
So much of this rings true to me. I have spent years in therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me because of my lack of connection to my parents. Thank you for this post.
Thank you for this blog. I feel like I am living in crazy town most of the time. My mother in law is a covert narcissist. Everyone worships her and I want to shake them all to pull them out of their delusion. Her weapons of choice are slander and silent treatment. She has been shunning my adult daughter for almost 3 mos b/c she questioned her about something that she lied about. It’s unreal. Everyone wants my daughter to make up with grandma, but she is refusing and now sees how cruel and dysfunctional grandma’s behavior is. The crazy part is that when we are around her, no one talks about it or acts like anything is wrong! She shunned my daughter at a birthday party – in front of everyone. It’s so bizarre and I don’t know how she’s gotten away with this for so long. So glad I finally woke up to it.
Hi. I’m 18 and am the youngest of 5 siblings. I was the one spoiled and chosen to be the “special one” as you said. My mom is narcissistic and so are the 2 younger siblings. The oldest brother is the scapegoat one. For my whole life i fell on the narcissistic ones’ view, and i were narcissistic like them. I wasnt allowed to develop a personality and they laughed at every sign or attempt of being myself. At the same time they wanted me to be a prodigious kid with good grades and have a very good career. Now i woke up. They have been treating my older brother like trash, and now i realize he is the one who is really sane, the one who is human and has empathy. But by this time i had lost my identity and the human things i learned from the oldest brother, now i’m kinda as narcissistc as the others. The narcissistic brother took control over me and i gradually became submissive to him and learned his respectless ideais and behaviors. How can i stop that? How can i protect myself from the narcissistic ones, as i live with them?
If you have a parent who has NPD…Do everything you can to get away from them and cut off all contact. It is a serious mental condition that you need to take serious. Do not let them around your children and you must understand that they will destroy everything you have.
One thing that you need to keep in mind with a narcissist is that they do NOT have control over you. It is a lie a narcissist wants you to believe, so they can keep control. I would say you have one of two options:
1. Find someone else to live with, if you feel you cannot move out on your own- You cannot grow emotionally and break a cycle in the family if you are too close to the action and drama.
2. Learn to be invisible and realize it is your family has the problem – You are not going to change your siblings or your parents. The best you can do at the moment is conform until you can move out on your own. If you feel it is too hard and you feel becoming a narcissist, then move. You do not need the extra-added pressure.
If it is bothering you being around them and you fear you are a narcissist, I doubt you are one. A true narcissist would not care. I suspect it bothers you @Samuel, because you are seeing the reality and truth for what it truly is. You have empathy or it would not bother you now what the rest of your family says.
It is true that a narcissist will destroy a family. They build their world on a reality that is exhausting to keep an illusion in place. I hope @Samuel that you find someone trusted that you can speak to on regular basis, a counselor. Narcissists are very talented at convincing you that there is something wrong with you, but there is nothing wrong with you. Do not let family members convince you otherwise.
For now, I would say, get counseling from someone who will help you develop the skills needed to stand against your family members negative attacks and realize you do not have to take part in their cutdowns of other people, snide remarks. You do have a choice to remain silent when you hear them disrespect others. When you are away from your family members, you can speak out against their attacks. However, since you live under the same roof @Samuel, I recommend your silence for now. Once you no longer live with them, you can chide their remarks and actions. Keep in mind though, with a narcissist, it is not likely to be helpful and do not be surprised if they alienate you further because you spoke up. I suspect you have already seen it with your brother @Samuel. He recognized your family’s behavior for what it is.
Good luck to you. As someone who has lived with narcissists in my family for a long time, I can tell you a narcissist will never respect boundaries; they will personally attack you if they think you are challenging them or their actions – even unintentionally through verbal threats, physical actions and evoke psychological threats to scare you into submission. It is important you find a professional who can help you learn to stand against all their attacks and help you realize the problem is not you. It is them. Be thankful this bothers you, as you are not like them. You deserve to have friendships and connections with people who do not constantly put others down, treat you as if you cannot do anything right, or ridicule you when you do voice your option against something. You deserve to be around people who love you for you – without constant negativity and cutting others down all the time.
You show them the unconditional love they’re not getting from their parents so that they grow to see for themselves what the truth is. Much love to you. You’re in my prayers tonight. 🙂
I am 53 and have only just realised that my family is dysfunctional. I am more or less certain that my mother has narcissistic personality disorder. I am also quite sure that I have been made the scapegoat for most if not all of my life as I have never been able to do anything right. I am continually criticised and made to feel inferior. My sisters and mother do not share news with me – or else I am the last one to be told. My mother has sent me abusive letters for as long as I can remember. And then she will send me money a short time afterwards. I am almost going mad and have now sought counselling. I have also noticed recently that my husband also treats me in a similar way. None of them have empathy towards me. I have an autism spectrum disorder and need understanding but I am just blamed. Hopefully counselling will help me to make a way forward.
I never could put the right word to describe my daughter. I heard someone say some thing about a narcissistic person the other day. I looked the word up and it described my daughter to a T.
My daughter is 35 yrs. She kicked me out of her life at 18. We got back together a few times but she always found a way to be angry at mesowould just cut me off for reasons of her own.
I never felt she really bonded with me No matter how hard I tried. I am just learning about narcsisic personalities and it finally makes since to me about my daughter’s behavior. She says life is better for her without me in it….hurtful!
I love her so very much but can not get through to her. She has completely cut herself off from me. This is sad in its own right but I have 2 granddaughters I am not allowed to see or know. My daughter lives 4 miles from me. She refuses to even send photos of my grandchildren. I’m finally understandi,g her behavior but it’s not easy be shut out.
My mother was in control
Her mind was always so shallow
With a little bit of time, I will tell you about her in this short rhyme
She was always so calculating, cunning and crafty which only caused me to start running
There was little hugging but plenty of shunning
She is now left with a hole in HER heart that caused this great rift
My life she gave me was her gift
I will take control for the deep darkness bestowed upon me
I take hold of my family that really does love me
For all I can do is move forward
My soul is not for her
My past with her is no more than a blur
Each dawn represents a new day to move forward
For I am no longer her dear little pawn
She will be left with a forever ache
I hope she raealizes that it is too late
I don’t think she ever gave a damn or ever wanted to know who I really am
All she cared for was herself
Poor me, poor me as she cried
Sitting there so helpless as everyone left
Now she is alone, just left there to groan
The misery she created for the reasons I have stated
Good riddance mother
For once and for all-
I can really empathize! My daughter just cut me out of her life. I helped her raise my granddaughter from 11 months old to 6 yrs. I have seen my granddaughter once in the past month and been allowed to speak to her once a week. She lives about 5 km away. It is heartbreaking to say the least.
I am the youngest of 6 children and I knew as early as 3rd grade that my mother was evil. She called us all types of horrible names and lied all the time. She always denied any wrong doing. I have little to no contact with any of my siblings. My sister has seemed to willingly follow in her narcissistic footsteps. They never really cared for me. I’m 35 now and I am always sad and feel angry not at my family because I know they are sick (mental health). But angry because I don’t have any family to love and love me back. As a result of my lifelong trauma I have a hard time forming relationships and I constantly fear what people think of me. The one thing I did right was move out of state so that my kids would not be exposed to my evil mother and her ugly ways. I am in therapy now and it is a long, painful and expensive process.
Divorced a female w NPD undiagnosed. Have boys 15/18 she has custody. She is pure evil, the way she controls the kids to distance me, for me my kids are messed up from her, adore her and tolerate me. I’m a very sensitive person, easily cries etc, any family event screws with my head.
I no longer ask for advice only to prepare those men and women for battle. I suffer from depression and anxiety. When I was in mental hospital she was re doing the house. No feelings, rage, expectations. She’s like a buger, you try to flick it and it’s still on your hand.
My daughter is a narcissist. No trauma or abuse growing up, we were always close. She had a habit of dumping people, especially long term boyfriends. One day she would just dump them and move on. Still she said and acted like she really loved us and we did and still love her. Then one day she dumped us. Wiped out all our history as family. Just gone. She has a new life and corporate family. She used to confide in me as an adult that she couldn’t love anyone but her family. I think she actually can’t love anyone.
do not try to hijack grandchildren
at the end you are grandmother only, ones a week it is Too much i think they give you a big favour
This is a patern played out in many families including my own. My oldest sister is a narcisists. She manipulates with money and as the rest of my family is in need of it, they accept her with open arms. One of my nieces has questioned her and her lies and my sister stopped talking to her and her mother and someonehow has managed to convince the rest of my family to do so too. Its so crazy.Now only myself and my niece seem to have opened our eyes to this narcisist, everyone else is blinded to her ways and our family has been broken for ever.
Very well said.
You my dear need help to heal. You cannot do this yourself. Seek therapy, therapists can mend you. Its hard to accept the treatment of your family towards you but accept you MUST. They will never change, you need to understand they DO NOT have the insight that you have and they WILL NEVER see the things you do. This is why being a Narcissist is a mental health condition.
Take care, I am here should you need to chat to someone :), as I have been through the same as you.
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