Narcissistic personalities are master manipulators and control artists. Observing them from a detached angle is like viewing a master painter make fine, perfect brush strokes across his canvass. The application is flawless and effortless.
Spouses and children of narcissists are frequently ambushed by these masters of mood. They know how to read your nonverbals and record every tonal nuance of your voice. They are particularly skilled at activating your lowest emotional depths when you are feeling the most vulnerable. They intimidate and humiliate you on your core psychological issues. If you have severe abandonment issues, they threaten to leave you. If you cry easily, they work on your tender heart and watch you tear up and flow. They provoke feelings of anger and helplessness in their spouses by accusing them of lying, being duplicitous or betraying them.
They hit you over and over again until you can’t hold it in any more and start screaming at them. You hear your voice reaching shrills and are shocked by its volume. When everything is quiet they stare at you coldly and say: “You have no self control. What the hell is the matter with you?” You shrink and feel so small that you want to disappear and never come back. On the heals of this attack they insinuate that you are “crazy” meaning that you have something very seriously wrong with your psyche and thinking processes. They convince you over time with these tactics that it is you who are severely disturbed. Spouses of narcissists and children of narcissists speak of the role that was given to them as the crazy, the mixed up one.
It is the narcissistic personality who is disturbed and bubbling with rage of Vesuvian proportions. When he/she accuses you of losing control, he is projecting these powerful feelings on to you. After all, in his eyes you are the inferior, the weaker one. According to his enormous ego, this individual has command of your life.
Break this cycle of abuse by first recognizing and understanding the true nature of the narcissist. This personality is deeply ingrained and very unlikely to change. The narcissist with all of his self absorption is consciously unaware of his internal psychological processes. These individuals tend not to awaken from the psychological belief that they are the perfect ones and others are at their disposal for exploitation and control and use as narcissistic supplies who will adore, obey and serve them.
Once you have this understanding your perspective changes. An essential part of this awakening is becoming self entitled to be treated with respect, empathy and caring. A program of self care must begin with the first step. This is foreign to those who are married to narcissists and children of narcissistic parents. Self care means that you get the sleep that you need, eat nourishing food that you enjoy, exercise that works for you. Spend time calming the body/mind through any number of methods: guided meditation on You Tube, cd’s, etc., practicing gentle hatha yoga with emphasis on breathing through the nose. Bring beauty into your life each day in the smallest forms that make a huge difference. Enjoy each moment when you are outside and observing nature–even tiny gnats, the tweets of hummingbirds, the winds in tall grasses, the dancing of tree limbs. Trust your evolving self that is growing and becoming self sufficient and more grounded each day. Healing from the narcissist is not a straight line. It occurs over a period of time that is different for each person. Be patient and loving with yourself. You deserve it.
28 thoughts on “You Scream–Narcissist Accuses You of Losing Control”
Right on target again! Your advise and my prayers to God are what keeps me sane. I am married for 35 years now to a narcissist. To compound the problem, he is an alcoholic.
I would like to take issue with a particular focus espoused by the majority of folks who write about Narcissistic Personality Disorder-ed people. There is a preponderance of references to narcissists as “masters” of mood, manipulation, mind control, nonverbal cue-recognition etc. In fact, as is often the case when it comes to our fascinating species, the opposite is true as well. A sizable proportion, if not the majority, of pathological narcissists are, in fact, impaired when it comes to social cognitive capacity. They are not the sophisticated, smooth-talking schmoozers whom, allegedly, we have come to know and love. Some pathological narcissists present–in public and in certain states and stages of intimate relationships– as charmingly boyish or girlish creatures whose immaturity of personal and interpersonal skills development is mistaken for ingenuousness. This sub-type of pathologically narcissistic men was coined by Jung and Jungians a long time ago as the “puer eterna”–the eternal youth or Peter Pan. A significant number would be more accurately categorized as persons who have an Autistic Spectrum Disorder or ADHD or OCD or some combination thereof.
So how could it be, you may ask, that someone who has significant, brain-based limitations of social cognitive capacity could have such a power over me or anyone else who is, in fact, quite capable and competent in the area of social cognition? The answer lies in the fact that the basic element of what is being considered here is a dynamic, dyadic interplay, once popularly coined as the “dance of intimacy”. Competent other halves of such a dyad will engage, mostly unconsciously, in facilitative ways of communicating that keep the dance going as smoothly as possible for as long as possible, thereby “invisibilizing” their partner’s particular deficits. When inevitably faced with behaviours that are beyond any reasonable limit of rationality, appropriateness, or civility, the competent partner finds him/herself standing still on the dance floor, overwhelmed and shell-shocked by how crazy things have become. The competent partner feels the craziness; the incompetent partner feels self-referential normalcy.
Missing the brain-based impediments and focusing solely on psychological and personality elements can lead to mis-attributions of the self-referential sense of normalcy of a social cognitively impaired person, including “pathological self-entitlement” ; “false sense of self”; “self-obsessed” “lack of empathy” etc.
In that moment, when the dance can no longer continue, the competent partner has nothing left to draw on from his/her repertoire of personal and interpersonal skills and attributes. She/he is left with a horrible mix of thoughts and feelings–fear, anxiety, anger, confusion, a sense of disorientation, a sense of inadequacy etc. All of these thoughts and feelings constellate within the context of that intimate relationship as a sense of “less than” the pathological narcissist other–less powerful; less capable; less smart–you name it, when in fact, the “less than” reflects a SELF-attribution-a “knowing” in that moment that you are “less than” your perceived competent self. You are right up against the wall of your own emotional, psychological, intellectual, physical, spiritual limits in a context that counters empowerment (in contrast to an empowering context such as being challenged to stretch beyond one’s current capacities by a competent coach or spiritual adviser or loving parent or partner). From my own experience, I would suggest there is no worse feeling.
Since our perceptions are based on contrast, a person who has reached her/his limit in relation to interplay with a pathological narcissist perceives the “I am less than” sense as indicative of the presence of its “he/she is greater than” counterpart.
In my opinion–both professional and gained from lived experience as the daughter, sister, pupil, and wife (x2) of socially incompetent (immature and/or neurologically challenged) narcissists–the dynamic I have just described is at the heart of recurrent and pervasive mis-attributions of “mastery” to many pathological narcissists.
The impact of such mis-attribution includes the following:
1. Competent (empathic, socially capable) persons’ grasp of their level of competence, already affected by intimate exposure to a pathological narcissist, is further undermined by inadequate descriptions of the pathological narcissist profile which leave them feeling confused, asking questions such as: Why did I feel compassion for this creep and keep taking him back when all the time I was dealing with a master of manipulation? How could I have been such a sucker/masochist? (Possible answer: As an empathic person, you somehow knew he/she has “real” impediments–neurological or otherwise); you somehow knew you were in fact the more competent of the two of you and you were honouring your commitment to the relationship, refraining from “abandoning” an impaired partner/parent/child..) Unless the person can access comprehensive information about the various sub-categories of persons with pathological narcissism, she may be left with complex and conflicting thoughts and feelings which make no sense to her. Limitations of self-knowledge and self-understanding that can consequently persist may prove to be lifelong obstructions to complete recovery from the experience of intimacy with a pathological narcissist.
2. Mental health, child welfare, legal professionals, cued to recognize only the sophisticated master of manipulation-type of narcissist, are blind to the self-effacing, sweetly ingenuous parent or spouse who is completely convincing in their expressed desire for “the best” for their child or partner. Next thing you know, the competent parent is labelled “alienating”; the competent spouse a “control freak” or worse. In my clinical experience, I have witnessed the extraordinary phenomenon of the competent person in the dyad ending up with the NPD label while the pathological narcissist is given a clean bill of mental/neurological health. The bottom line: Mentally healthy people respond with overt signs of distress in “crazy-making” situations while the pathological narcissist who has mental health/neurological impairment of function, often appears undisturbed and therefore “well”.
3. Consequently, tragically, persons who fit into this sub-type group of pathological narcissists are overlooked by professionals with the knowledge and skills to help them, by virtue of being either unrecognized as pathologically narcissistic or, if they are, then mistakenly slotted into another category of pathological narcissism that does not include the presence of certain identifiable and potentially remediable, neurological and/or psychological deficits.
That is so true : The narcissist with all of his self absorption is consciously unaware of his internal psychological processes.
My mother is a master at making me lose it. I can’t have a real relationship with her, she is not open to one, she is too worried about something or anxious 24/7 to come down to my “ insouciant “ level aka stupid and selfish level.
I had to help her with administrative papers at her request , yet she sabotaged my efforts 3 times, making a task that would have been easy, super difficult.
She repeatedly created mini dramas that she needed to “ sort out “ because unable to follow simple instructions or my very polite requests ( to get all the information needed)
All this to get something she desperately needed. After the third attempt and learning what she needed would be delayed by a month due to be deliberately obtuse – wrecking my plans and costing me money, I just lost it. She accused me of over-reacting and was so condescending on the phone that I refused to speak to her for few hours. She loves the dramas she has created, some people have holidays or are hooked on soap-operas, Narcissists create them to jolt life into their dead soul.
I realised that day that I am embarrassed by my mother and have been for a long time.
y own therapist asked me to “ take a step back “. Because the reality of it is, I would not allow a friend or a boyfriend to treat me the way she treats me.
How horridly strange it is to be told you are out of control. My husband, is the master of provocation. Until I put that definition onto his actions, I could not see him “building” me up, so that I would explode. Yes, he provokes, every time. Now that I can see it beginning, I leave. The list from the past 7 years is terribly long. He’s an alcoholic. He’s been to a rehab–where you could use, on an outpatient basis–across the field from a high school too. My mother was a narcissist. When she died she disowned me, gave everything to my sisters and I was not mentioned in the obituary. Nor in the will. My point: they will go to any extremes to always be right. My goal: help my youngest daughter be involved with fair and understanding men. I wish someone had pointed this out to me when I was 29. I’m doing it now.
Thank you for this post. I am the child of a narcissistic mother and have detached from the unhealthy cycle that continuously repeated itself in our relationship. I feel myself getting stronger everyday and am finally respecting myself and taking care of myself. I taste the freedom and am excited for whats to come (I am 43 yrs old). This has been a slow process of progress for me but there is now no turning back. I am extremely thankful that my relationship with my mother is no longer defining me. I feel a deep compassion for building people up–not breaking them down.
Thank you again Linda for your dedication to this subject matter. Your posts have helped me pinpoint the problem. I was molded throughout my childhood to think it was always me with the issues. So subtle and manipulative. Words cannot describe my gratitude for the freedom I am now experiencing–guilt free!!
This is an excellent portrait of a Narcissist. Being a child of and eventually finding my way out from under the unimaginable weight of a mother who is a covert narcissist, I understand these people from the inside out. I’d like those in the same position to,know that there is hope, there is a way out and Dr. Laura has put it into words beautifully. Just a quick thank you to Dr. Laura…I may not have survived my mother at all were it not for your Blog. When I first found it and read your descriptions of these severly damaged people, I knew instantly my mother was one of them. My life has been forever changed because of you. Thank you. To those just discovering, or those finding it difficult to get out from the cells these people would keep you in…I am testimony to hope. If I can do it, you can as well.
What a great read! I have been married to a narcissistic woman for over 6 years. It has been hell on earth. The cycles of torment are unending! I have learned so much from you. I have gained enough information to realize that I have been so mislead and deceived! This person is empty and not capable of loving and caring. She slandered me to the point that I lost my ministry. I lost years of hard work because of this person. She took no responsibility for her action and put the blame on those she lied too. She said they lied when in fact they had no vested interest to do so. Her father is a pathological narcissist and I have come to realize the apple did not fall far from the tree. I am in the process of getting out of the relationship!
Thank you for caring enough to share. You are making a difference in the lives of many. The truth you share has set me free! Ii have been pushed to the brink so many times. I found myself trying to be a good guy and look past the horrid treatment, hoping things would somehow change, only to find myself right back at the place of total confusion! Because of your input I have gained the information and the courage to leave. Thank you for giving me my life back!
Thank you so much for this blog as it really hits home. I spent many years catering to a narcissistic sibling, compromising myself to avoid her wrath until finally I got ill. Thankfully, with the help of a therapist I was able to identify the toxicity of a narcissist. Having grown up in a family where family was number one, the most important duty of life, it was very difficult for me to separate from my sister, but I have. I can’t describe the freedom I felt knowing it was ok for me to live my own life. I have so much compassion for others who have suffered in these relationships and I am very thankful that this blog can be a vehicle for those who have suffered to find some solace.
Thank you so much for all your work. Reading your posts has enlightened me tremendously. After 20 years I left my marriage to a narcissist but it has taken me almost 2 years of counselling and reading to come to an understanding what he is and what happened.
He was always critical of our son (eldest) from very young, his love was very conditional. He rejected his son when he was 19 by kicking him out and hasn’t seen him since. He is now 24.
He chose our daughter early on as his “golden” child (now 20). He encouraged her to reject her brother as well as me, her mother.
Father and daughter haven’t seen our son for 41/2 years and I have had no contact with my daughter for 1 year.
Your work on Narcissism along with the work of Dr. Craig Childress’ on parental alienation has been a great help in understanding what has happened. I would recommend reading Dr. Childress, blog on parental alienation for anyone going through the pain of being alienated from your child. Dr. Childress states that the alienating parent has a narcissistic/(borderline) personality disorder and “Their capacity for cruelty is immense, and it is without empathy or pity”.
I now realize that all my efforts to get my ex husband to look at his son with compassion and empathy were for naught, as you said Linda they never change. It is hard on our son who has had to attend trauma counselling to deal with the rejection by his father and sister.
Thank you so much for your continued work on this very important issue.
Interesting post. As for the “ dyadic interplay where invisibilizing of the character’s flaw of one partner is present ” you could be describing a co-dependent relationship.
I compared my mother’ state after my father’s passing as Former Yugoslavia after Tito. Like Marechal Tito, my father held a tight grip on my mother, because as a chauvinist he believed women were trouble and useless creatures who had to be controlled. My mother has OCD and high anxiety, the totalitarian regime my father established did nothing to strengthen her inner confidence. Now, I put out a fire one week, only to find out she was starting a bigger one somewhere else, my job now is to pre-empt the next drama and working to minimise its outcome. Her “self-referential normalcy ” has an impenetrable firewall and is without a self-awareness program. She pity my self-reliance. She is cruel, critical, snobbish, and judgemental towards me, always has been since day one. Pretty much like her own mother was towards her. I understand why she hates women with self-confidence because her own mother crushed her spirit to make her more malleable.
Like the ” fascinating narcissist ” who makes you eventually utter ” you are not who I thought you were, “the narcissist with ASD, OCD or ADHD believes nothing is wrong with him/her and has no need to ” seek help”. For the egotistical, OCD, ASD, ADHD are not inner flaws, just problems for other people that they need to learn to deal with, just as self-absorption is just healthy pride in one’s superiority over others.
Everybody has an egotistical stage in their development, but we move past the stage where our needs and wants are placed above everyone else because we are made to realise we have much to gain as humans by cooperating with others. It’s not for nothing that pride, envy and greed are deadly sins.
My mother treats me the same way she has always treated me, I just know that the problem is with her and that she is a mother in name only. I really don’t think that dragging her brain through a MRI machine would have made her seen the light where her character is concerned.
The reason most people here focus on the manipulations, mind control etc. is because this is what those of us are still under the thumb of these people and find it very difficult to see otherwise. We don’t see anything else. My mother is a covert narcissist with Peter pan tendencies and other of the mental health issues you’ve described. However, I would not have had the sight if I had not finally removed myself out from under the pain and torture inflicted by her. As much as myself and I would think others in this group “get” what you’re saying, until we’ve healed ourselves or are on the way to healing, we’re most likely only going to write about our current circumstances.
I would, however, like yo thank you for a very educated and insightful post. It certainly has given me, and I hope others, much more to consider.
I am so relieved to see this, I am married also to a Narcissistic Husband for 31 years but he is also a closet crossdresser who imitates my style. Every time I get something new I find he did too! I am so depleted and looking for help! The combination of the 2 makes it hard to get a grip on life!
Please could someone tell me a bit more about being “conciously unaware”.
Please could you tell me a bit more about being consciously unaware?
I too have a closet crossdressing husband who claims he is bisexual as well. Really I think he is gay but will not admit that. . He is not a Narcissist tho and I thank god for that. Having a mother who is a Covert Narcissist affected every detail of my life. I wonder sometimes if I have settled with this relationship because I think I deserve no better. It has destroyed our relationship and we are just roommates only. It is so hard not having a family and now I don’t have a real husband. He did not tell me all this until we were married 6 years so I do feel tricked and cheated out of a normal life with a normal man. My mother would love to know this little detail so she could tell everyone and embarrass me. This would thrill her to no end.
WOW JUNIPER!! “BULLS EYE” on your post. Had looked up a few months ago the possible correlation of NPD to ASD! For 38+ yrs I have LIVED your words. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!! My husband was able to co-opt our 1st psychotherapist (women) who kept saying to me “what if he’s telling the TRUTH” and u just don’t BELIEVE HIM” (over massive porn sites & incriminating phone records/affair). Found out they were planning a mental hospital admittance for me (thru daughter who picked up the phone extension when he called MY Pastor!) THEN, next round was w/Pastor who came over his desk shaking his finger at me saying “if u were my wife I would never trust you again” right in front of my husband. I LEFT. I had figurrd out he was a porn addict too! So much for Church.Then I found the 2nd most recognized sex addiction therapist (world wide in our hometown). Husband agreed to go. $5500 to find out he had lived a secret life for most of our marriage (affairs, was an alcoholic etc.. etc..) Psychologist (women) gives me advice to this effect ” I think you r holding your H more accountable than he really was because he is completely conflict avoidant and just acquiesced to these women. REALLY! R U F’N KIDDING ME?!! He is that good (talk about pathological lying) is an understatement. This is what I dealt w/right behind my mother’s 2nd hospitalization for clinical depression, then my sister’s suicide. And I’M THE CRAZY ONE? NO!! I am healing. WHY? Because I have spent my life seeking help, answers and keeping myself Spirituality intune (daily)! With my sister gone 3 1/2 yrs now-I can now. SEE what felt so wrong w/my mom. Her empathy toward me going thru the trauma w/my H ) while totally engrossed in the Jody Arias trial) was a simple statement of ” Well Dianah, there’s an old saying that men kill their sheep away from home.” BINGO!!! With that statement my True journey began. I had been set up my whole life to live with an Insanity I could never put a finger on. To anyone visiting this site YOU, R STRONG, WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL/HANDSOME, LOVING, HEART FELT SOULS. Whatever your past is it has NOT been wasted! LIGHT Will ALWAYS overcome the darkness. ALWAYS! As long as you r Willing to go thru it and come out the other side. This comes from a 58 yr old (young) person w/no job, no where to go (losing water, electric, ins, & probably my home). BUT who cares MY Sanity, MY Body, My Emotions, MY Integrity & MY Spiritualiy R SOUND AND INTACT! PRICELESS in everyway NOT Less than (and NEVER were)
Whatever defence mechanism pushed a narcissist to make a false self to hide behind, that system is there to prevent the narcissist from feeling basically anything real and painful.
A narcissist will consciously do anything to keep up the false self, because the alternative is viewed as unbearable.
In my view, the self-absorbed use their energy focused on themselves because their self is fragile and there isn’t enough of it to be shared with others. Their selfishness is a survival instinct.
Thank you so much for shining the light of hope. I really want to be free from this strangling behavior that my mother just is so addicted to. The love and freedom is what is keeping me alive. Ive thought it before that this is the last time Ill let her abuse me, sadly it really seems to be no other way than letting her go since she feels herself fully entitled to abuse manipulate and say and do awful things as a part of being in my life (which have been escalating now that Im learning to love myself more and more). Ive talked to her, yes screamed out how badly she is behaving and that i am a good person (when I cannot take it anymore), when I’ve taken breaks from here(when she’s been like a volcano of hatred and jealousy) she comes back and pretends to be normal (but I get that creepy feeling and know in my heart she hasn’t) but it never lasts long and it is such a strain to be super positive around her and to be the one keeping the relationship going. I really wouldn’t wish anyone this kind of pain.
Thank you Ripcurl for that accurate statement ” A narcissist will consciously do anything to keep up the false self, because the alternative is viewed as unbearable”.
My mother who basically is the only blood family I have left (father died 10 yrs ago as well as many relatives since then) and her narcissism is painfully her dearest child and I really understand now that I was never given the love that i deserve (although she always told me to believe that and be very grateful, forever owing ..) or the freedom to THINK ACT BEHAVE and to GROW like other children/adolescent were given.
After too much way too much abuse I is obvious that the choice she has is me or her narcissism because I cannot love myself and keep that behavior in my life at the same time.
The bet is on: She will chose the narcissism Lol- now even though it’s terribly dark I have to laugh about it. Because really a sick person would chose to stay sick over having a loving healthy relationship with the only child she has (yes I’ve been the golden one and the scapegoat -now that’s really really messed up).
I have so much love and empathy for all of you struggling it aint easy.
But in truth we are good valuable lovable and beautiful and aren’t we really optimistic too, I mean it has taken decades to realize no she won’t change.
We are truly heroes all of us
I take exception to the comments on crossdressing. That has nothing to do with narcissisism and in fact most men who do crossdress have an increased empathy because they know what it is like to be discriminated against. They are often battling a lot of shame and guilt so you can help by treating him with respect and loving him for all the other reasons you do. If he wears your style it is because he respects and admires your sense of style. Unlike you, he has not had the same background to know what looks good so he is just using you to learn from. Talk to him and tell him it makes you feel bad and help him create his own style.
Until only the last few years a lot of information has not been available to crossdressers. They knew as much about it as you did. So, you can not blame anyone for hiding something they did not know how to explain to themselves. You have secrets about your own inner feelings too…. The key point is, no one is trying to decieve anyone… its an evolving process and takes years to come to grips with. The person you knew is exactly the same as before they just have an unusual activity…its no big deal!
I am currently dealing with a narcissistic ex wife who is harming my child, she will be damaged for life and it is.almost scripted based on what I read about it. I have asked her to be reasonable and she is not…We could settle everything today…but she wants to drag it out because she didn’t get what she wanted in marriage. …she had the affair, yet somehow I am the one to blame.. she spent money on clothing, I saved. It is so sad, I cry for my daughter. If I could share the whole story it would open your eyes. All I can do for now is try to document everything and hope the courts will see through her games. My suggestion is to let the narrsissit run wild, play there game enough to expose it to everyone around them…be careful though because they have a way of twisting everything. …be patient and collect a history which exposes their lies when they try to cover up something else.
Michelle – I am in my 40’s as well and recently (about 4 years ago) realized that my mother is NPD. She is so insanely cruel, but never when anyone else is around. In the past 4 years, I have made a stronger attempt to set boundaries, yet she continually crosses them, and then calls me selfish when I follow through with clearly stated consequences of said boundary-crossing. The gaslighting is the worst. She did make me feel crazy, always telling me my very vivid memories were incorrect. I got the point where I didn’t trust my own mind. That led to alcohol abuse, inappropriate relationships, etc.
After another give-and-take way promise of support and affection last Fall, I had to make the decision to completely break all ties. It is difficult because my siblings do not support this decision, as they are the Golden Children and have never been subject to the same abuse I have been. So, my relationship with them is now strained. However, I have surrounded myself with positive, loving, empathic people that love, support and empower me. That has made all the difference.
At Christmastime my mother (very inappropriately) asked my teenage daughters if I was depressed, as we weren’t talking (again). For the first time ever, my girls responded saying that contrary to being depressed (as I always have been in the past), I am happier than I have ever been. She didn’t like that. She’s lost control and it’s killing her. Do know that I get no pleasure out of this…I simply don’t care anymore. I don’t know why it took 46 years, but I am done and will not be tricked into false hope ever again.
The good news is, it does get better every day. Clearly it will affect me my entire life. I am, afterall, on a website on this particular subject, so it is on my mind. However, I don’t allow it to control me or my behaviors anymore.
I wish you all the luck in the world, and I empathize completely.
I just now discovered today that my mother has NPD, according to my therapist. I had never heard of it before. I’ve been searching the internet all afternoon researching the subject, and I fell such a sense of relief that I’m not alone! I thought my mother was just a mean, selfish, manipulative person…but there’s so much more to the story. I never, ever in a millions years thought I was emotionally abused, but the truth is I was. I am very impressed by this site and all the wealth of information. The heart wrenching posts by all of you have really helped me tremendously. I will write my story later. For now, I just wanted to say hello and a big thank you for having this website and forum available to me. Thanks a million!
I’ve read and reviewed your comments multiple times. It has provided the most insightful and accurate reference that matches my experience with my husband of 14 years. I’m in the process of divorce now after two rage incidents that left me feeling afraid of him.
At the point, I have so much guilt and remorse over him being mostly kind and endearing but at the same time the immaturity and anger left me no other choice but to leave.
Are there any other resources that you could share with me to help me as the healing journey continues? This is incredibly challenging and taking far longer to emotionally improve than I ever imagined.
That is 100% my mother. She would provoke me at the most unfair point. If I hold it in, she will keep digging at it nagging at it until I lose my temper and shout a answer/solution to her. Yet she will then immediately ignore me while I am frantically trying to explain things to her. I came from a very poor family and I was the eldest kid. So the family burden fell on me when I started working, including my younger sibling university education and my dad retirement. I was a high achiever but the monies always went to my parents and sibling. Finally at 40, a high flyer at the office, in the top 10% in my cohort, but at home a nobody and threatened to be kicked out of the house whenever my narcissistic mother doesn’t like something, which can be conjured from anywhere, from something I say, to picking at grocery I bought and put in the fridge… I finally went ahead and buy a house. It costs me everything I had and I bought at a bad timing in the property cycle, but I am one year to paying off my own house now. She still provokes me deliberately when I visit her during New Year. She would criticize my house, my car, and would take pleasure in my reaction when she keeps repeating that my sister is better than me now that she has an MBA. Never mind I qualified for the top MBA schools in the world, and I made the sacrificial decision to use my monies in my twenties for my sister education and my dad retirement, and she was then asking me for rent for staying in the house. I stay in a country where rent is very high for the common man. So I know how it feels… Even now when I think about the injustice of it I get angry. A mother who is supposed to love and nurture, yet she manipulates and provokes deliberately and continuously and gets high whenever I lose control, then accuse me of being bad tempered. Having a mother like this means you never feel safe sharing anything — anything good and bad you said will be used against you…
I think I have read more about a subject in this last year than every subject in the 40 years before. Your comment better explaines this subject than the volumes of material I have studied. All the information available can really pinpoint issues of the victims associated with the disordered individual. You have better explained the mystery of the actual disorder than I have seen anywhere. Thank you
Wow, you perfectly described my life and my relationship with my husband.
Sally: I read all the comments pertaining to crossdressing. All two of them and not once did I read that either of the commenters said “crossdressing is caused by narcissism.” I know this post is a couple years old but this just rubbed me the wrong way. You need to go back a re-read the comments. There was no need to “take exception” to anything. And since I have a right to my own opinion, I will state that I agree with the Bible that “effeminate men” who where that “which pertains to a woman” are in fact, an abomination to God. I don’t care how “nice and caring” they are. I happen to have a cross dressing male cousin my age who is also a back stabbing narcissist. And even if he wasn’t, I would still view the dressing up in his dead sister’s clothes and makeup and driving to the nearest fast food restaurant, then using his dead sister’s cell phone to video tape himself looking lustfully into the mirror at his reflection and making “kissy faces” into the recording then purposefully “giving me as a gift” his dead sister’s cell phone (even though I DID NOT want it and tried to get him NOT to leave it). He left it on the counter in my house a few weeks after his sister’s funeral (also my first cousin, niece of my Malignant Covert Narc mother) and my husband picked it up later (thank goodness my CHILD didn’t pick it up!) and began looking through the photos and stumbled onto this abomination. It was quite shocking to say the least, as nobody had any idea he was a secret pervert or “cross dresser”. I’m sorry but I call a spade a spade, which is one of the reasons my family Scapegoated me. Politically correct people don’t like the cold, hard truth.
I forgot to add: ENTERING THE WOMEN’S RESTROOM at the fast food establishment to look lustfully at and film his reflection.
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