Tag: Narcissistic Personality

Whether they are very successful business women or stay at home “mothers” narcissistic women are incapable of mothering. It is tragic that so many of them have had children. I am making this statement as a result of my clinical knowledge of the psychic structure of the narcissist. The narcissistic woman who becomes a “mother” cannot fulfill this role. In some cases these women don’t become mothers and that is very fortunate. Especially at this time—Not every woman must become a mother–especially if this person is not going to be capable of making a secure loving attachment to her child. Lack of attachment, anxious attachment and disturbed attachment will have a profound negative on the child’s psyche.

For the narcissistic woman, giving birth to a child is a great narcissistic supply. If she is a professional, climbing the heights, there area extra bonuses–She does it all! No, that is not the case. If she stays home as the “devoted mother”, then her life revolves around her dear children and the home. Not the case again. Remember, this is a narcissist. Having a child and children raises the narcissistic mother to another level. This creates an indelible image in the minds of others. Her children are so perfect; she is so loving; the family is wonderful. This is all fiction and delusion. The photographs with the smiles and perfect background don’t tell the tale. The real stories come from the women with whom I have communicated who tell me about the horrors of their life histories as daughters of narcissistic mothers. The cruelties, deprivations, insensitivities, dismissive coldness and treacheries are immeasurable. Many of these daughters slowly heal but it is a difficult and long road they travel. These women deserve our respect. They have prevailed over their highly disturbed, malicious, envious narcissistic “mothers.” To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

I know of a number of cases, especially during custody disputes when the narcissistic husband (or wife) turns sadistic and gains pleasure and narcissistic supplies by threatening to take your children away from you. In some instances he succeeds because he has the financial resources and the charm and persuasiveness to persuade mediators and judges that he is the better parent. This man or woman doesn’t give a damn about the welfare of his children. He is out for revenge because he gets pleasure from watching you suffer. That is the definition of a sadist. He is seen as the “good father”. He spreads lies about you and may even turn your family members against you.

Arm yourself with as much information as you can about the narcissistic personality. You cannot know enough. Make sure that you have a very savvy attorney who can go up against the narcissist. He will have hired a barracuda of a lawyer who is out for blood.

If you know early that your spouse is a narcissist you may want to end the marriage there before you have children. Being married is one thing—having children is another. Having children with a sadistic narcissist is putting the welfare of your children in jeopardy. If this has already happened, take heart and go into battle fully armed, knowing that you are going to win.Take good care of yourself as well.Form a close knit support group.You can do this. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

It is very difficult for anyone to change—most of all the narcissist. This is a fixed, written in ancient stone personality disorder. The narcissist has defense mechanisms–massive denial, repression and primitive projection that are like barriers of steel. They cannot be penetrated. Once in a while you might see a glimmer of light but that is rare and fleeting. They immediately return to their grand delusions. As they grow older narcisssistic traits become more deeply ingrained. After all they have played this role all of their lives and succeeded in controlling others. Why would they have any motivation to change now? Narcissists have intimidated everyone around all of their lives and gotten their way. They have succeeded in a sense. With the narcissistic style of this current society all of the kudos they receive is not surprising. It is daunting that so many people look up to and are fooled by these individuals.

Narcissists do exactly what they want. Some narcissistic men find that even into their six, seven or eight decades on earth that it is time to have a child with a woman who is many times younger than one of his older children. This boggles many minds but the narcissist pursues his goal. There is no concern that this baby who will be produced in the young womb of his new wife will know a father who is a very old man. That doesn’t matter to the narcissist. What is essential is the ultimate narcissistic supply of the moment: “Let’s have a baby!” This sounds like:”Let’s buy a new house or a fancy new car.” But to have another human being that arises from your seed is the ultimate narcissistic supply. I find this both irresponsible and nauseating. But not eye popping for a superannuated narcissistic man. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

One of the most pathological family constellations is one in which the narcissistic mother chooses one daughter as the perfect reflection of herself. From the beginning this daughter is given permission, even encouraged to take complete control over her brothers and sisters. This often includes treating them brutally both in front of the narcissistic mother and in secret. The siblings are traumatized from the time they are infants. She terrorizes them into submission. They will do and say whatever she demands. It gets to a point where her father is intimidated by her and in some cases he leaves the household permanently because he is psychologically weak and cannot deal with the situation any longer. He abandons his children to the sadistic cruelties of the narcissistic mother and in particular the demonic older narcissistic sister. Some of the victimized siblings develop post traumatic stress syndrome—they have been living in a gulag all of their lives.

Some children find a way out. They stay with friends. In some cases they are informally adopted by family members or parents of friends.They spend most of their time out of the line of fire.

This evil drama does not end when the narcissistic older sister grows up. She continues to taunt her siblings with constant put downs, searing criticisms and malicious lies and betrayals. If she can find a way to destroy one of her brother or sisters,she will. Although this narcissistic sister was given everything she wanted and more,she is always in a state of rage. Unconsciously, she despises herself and projects these feelings on to her siblings. If financial assets are substantial the narcissistic older sister will convince her “dear” aging narcissistic mother that should take over all of the decisions with regard to properties, investments, trusts and cash. This narcissistic daughter knows just how to ply her mother with the compliments, favors and promises to masterfully take complete charge of her financial decisions. Naturally, the mother lode of assets goes to the narcissistic older daughter. The other children are left with nothing and completely in the dark.

These scenarios are more common than you might think.

To lead the life you deserve and activate your boundless creativity,sever your relationship with narcissistic members.To learn about the NPD in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

“How much more can I take?” You ask this question over and over again as you have for decades since you were a small child. Then you were so terrified you couldn’t think. Even in school you were preoccupied with new frightening ways mom would find to punish you for something you hadn’t done.She would make up your crimes and create your punishments.The days and nights were horrific. Many children of narcissistic mothers tell life stories of being like servants in their own homes. From the age of four or five they were forced to clean, sweep, even cook to the screaming fits of their narcissistic mother. As an adult you still hear those ear splitting commands and the hand that comes so close to making you nose bloody. Sometimes it did and you wondered if there were any teeth missing. You remember how revolting your mother’s face looked as she got closer to you. You shook with fear,sometimes wetting yourself.

Now as an adult you are still taking horrendous abuse in different forms from this she-devil excuse for a mother. What will it take to set yourself free. Do you care that your brothers and sisters defend her constantly.Do you care about getting access to her home and assets after she dies. Or do you want the life you never had. You are entitled to that and much more. First, learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality and read some of my blogs about the narcissistic mother (blog.thenarcissistinyourlife.com.Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation:United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email:lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Your narcissistic sister plotted this series of moves for years. She was always attracted to your man and didn’t make it a secret.She was provocative in his presence but you kept waving her behaviors off, saying to yourself that she was naive and immature. After you married and had two children,narcissistic sis leaves for an urban center corporate career. She marries and quickly divorces. For a few years she dates heavily, one man after the other. Then during a vacation she comes to visit you and your family. You are happy to see her and have forgotten her many past moves toward your spouse. You feel trusting and at ease with her. Yet there is a constant low level gnawing thought in your mind.She has exhibited many narcissistic traits in the past.She is unempathc, self absorbed,ruthless to win at all costs, lies with ease and is very charming.

Your narcissistic sister has come back for one reason only—to take what she wants the most–your husband. That thought nags at you but you wave it off–“that couldn’t be possible.” Remember,everything is possible with a narcissist. They lack conscience and shame. Within a few weeks of her visit your suspicions are verified. She is having an affair with the man you love under your roof. This is heartbreaking. Yes, it does take two to dance and he is very culpable but the narcissist always seems to get her way, even if it destroys a family. I tell this story because it happens too often. It is a warning that you cannot ever trust narcissistic family members–sharing DNA does not guarantee loyalty. First, protect yourself by researching the narcissistic personality in-depth. When you hear the voice of intuition warning you—ALWAYS LISTEN.

Many women have been betrayed in this atrocious way. It is unbearable but they have fought back.In many cases they work with this trauma and loss through excellent psychotherapy, sever the relationship with the narcissistic sister and move forward with their unique gifts to form relationships of trust and meaning. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

If you are waiting for your narcissistic husband to change after five months, five years, twenty years of marriage,you will be waiting forever.It is not going to happen. Immunize yourself—first by learning and studying everything you can about the narcissistic personality. Some narcissists find another partner and don’t want to have anything to do with you. You are forgotten. Count your blessings. They are out of your life. Thank God. Some narcissistic spouses have to nerve to try to play their game, to believe that they are perfect—to have control over your life. This may sound convincing. This is another trick to pull you back in so they can control you. This is especially the case if you own your own home or homes, have built up your financial assets and have a very successful career. The narcissist takes free rides off of the lives of others. They are parasites, sucking at your energy, putting you back into fight or flight mode, keeping you from sleeping at night. Remember what you endured throughout the marriage–cruelties beyond description. Keep this fresh in your mind. Don’t fall for the smooth talk and empty promises.

For those who are sticking it out with narcissistic spouses, I say think of the quality of your life and if you have children , your being a fine parent is essential to protecting them from these merciless, cunning vipers. The sooner you come to terms with the truth that you spouse is a narcissist and know you must sever the relationship the better off you will be. Doing this can be very challenging. But begin now. Make your preparations. Like a great fighter–a ninja–prepare, prepare, prepare. Don ‘t give a hint to anyone what you are planning to do. If you have a friend you can trust completely this will provide support. Some spouses are greatly helped by excellent therapists. Choose these professionals wisely.

Know that you will prevail, that you are strong and steady and that nothing will stop you from freeing your original self and your children from the narcissistic spouse. To learn about the NPD in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Annihilation is a strong word. It means complete destruction,m even death. In this case psychological demise.

Once you are no longer serving the narcissist’s ego needs, you are of no use to him. If you are the child of a narcissist, you are constantly on guard for the next psychological ambush–the cruel words that cut to the core of your heart, the criticisms that humiliate and demean you, the actions that cause you constant shame, the endless, relentless behaviors–verbal and nonverbal—-that are designed to make you feel worthless and the narcissist feel superior and triumphant. As a child you are a prisoner of the treacheries of the narcissistic parent. You have to survive so you go along with the psychological (and in some cases physical) blows that befall you every day. Mothers telling their daughters how ugly and shameful they look, mothers who scream over and over again that they should have aborted you, spouses that pick away at everything you do–“you are always making mistakes.” What’s wrong with you? I didn’t realize how stupid you were”? ” You embarrass me. You used to be attractive. Now you look like an aging ugly woman.?’ These assaults never stop. They are meant to psychologically annihilate you. If you don’t understand this truth, then you are putting yourself in continuing psychological danger and eclipsing your life. The narcissist is ruling you.

When we are adults we can make the decision to sever the relationship with narcissistic parents and spouses. Some children have been sufficiently deluded that they continue to see their parents or spouses as good people. They blame themselves.

Study the narcissistic personality in-depth. Wake up and preserve your unique individuality and the quality of your life. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When you meet a narcissist—especially a very smooth attractive one–you would never guess that he/she is decimating his family—spouses, children, siblings, in-laws, grandparents, etc. Narcissists go viral. Their venom spreads out to every family member. There are some individuals who even as small children know that there is something very wrong with their mother or father, that this person is toxic to them. They keep their emotional distance from this person whom they are asked to call mother or father. Some family members survive by becoming invisible. As soon as they are able they spend long periods of time away from their home. Or they find hiding places in their rooms or outside. They learn how to avoid their own parent. They emotionally detach themselves from the narcissistic parent. In some cases there is an aunt or grandparent from whom they can get some of the warmth and love that they need and deserve.

Other family members–spouses and children–go along with the pathological thinking and behaviors of the narcissistic parent. They will tell you how much they love the narcissistic parent who is crushing them. They have never made a psychological separation from this poisonous person. Even in middle age, they are still holding on to a non-parent who has taken their lives away. They will not become separate individuals. Some children in the family are chosen to be the special ones who represent the narcissist’s power, brilliance, talent, physical attractiveness and magnetism. Many consider them the lucky ones. They are treated like little gods but they are not real people. They are pariahs who are allowed to emotionally harm their siblings. They are raised to the heights by the parents and believe they are perfect and superior. They treat their siblings like dirt, lie about them, get them into serious trouble with the narcissistic parent, etc.

These dark narcissistic family patterns do not stop. Fortunately, there are individuals within these families who grow up to be genuine, solid, kind and productive human beings. Your best offensive is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality. Are you about to marry a narcissist? Find out now before you take that fateful step. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com

When you look into the eyes of a child of a narcissistic mother, the pain is so intense you cannot bear it. Imagine what that human being across from you is experiencing all of the time–since the beginning of her/his life. Some children of narcissists are so psychologically numb that they cannot feel this pain because it would crush them completely. Rather, they harm themselves. Some become anorexic and control the one thing they can–what they put in their mouths. Others turn to high risk relationships with sadistic partners who beat them up psychologically and physically. Some make small cuts in their flesh in inconspicuous secret places to release their unbearable feelings.

Many of these adult children tell you over and over again how much they love their mothers. It is confounding but not surprising. They have identified with their life aggressor, the person who birthed them and then did everything possible to destroy them. Narcissistic mothers adore their golden children–the ones that are very attractive, extroverted, overly confident, great performers. They detest their child who is not as physically attractive, a loner and thinker, quiet, sensitive, introverted.

In many cases the unwanted psychologically abused child goes through her life “adoring” mother and hating herself. She is fused with a mother and trapped in a state of self loathing. This is tragic and true.

There are other children who awaken to the true nature of their narcissistic mother—feel her mortal danger to them, know that she will never love them and will not stop torturing them. They take the ride of their insight and finally acknowledge that they never had a real mother–but a monster, a psychological killer.

There are many life stories of those who have broken these horrendous chains of abuse, who have worked through their feelings of self hatred, shame and loathing and have emerged to recognize, feel and celebrate their true natures. You deserve our special love and respect. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife.com