Narcissists are always plotting and planning your psychological demise if you are in their way. They come on with their magnificent charm, endless promises, seductive ways and excessive confidence. They know precisely when and how to strike to make you feel ashamed, unworthy, a failure, ugly, a castoff. They have a cruel gift of knowing exactly when to pop up in your presence when you are feeling particularly vulnerable and at your wits end.
Narcissistic mothers target their scapegoated children with multiple humiliations and caustic criticisms; narcissistic siblings make the unexpected grand entrance in all of their glory to put you down; narcissistic spouses wait for the right moment to emotionally pummel and humiliate you.
Narcissists are feverishly competitive. They must always win over you. They keep score. They know your moods, your weaknesses, how easily you can be deceived with their lies. Since they don’t have a developed conscience they are not burdened by wounding you psychologically, emotionally and financially. You are not on the same moral footing as the narcissist. He or she doesn’t have a moral compass. Their True North is what they want and must have. Playing their game of Psychological Gotcha they put you back in their control in the fight or flight sympathetic nervous system.
Be prepared for the Gotcha game of the narcissist by practicing daily healing in the ways that work best for you. Learn how to move toward the parasympathetic calming restorative nervous system through getting the sleep that you need, eating foods that nourish and sustain you, exercising regularly in the way that works best for you, stretching and doing gentle yoga poses with emphasis on breathing through the nose (Nostril breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system). Creative activities—writing, sketching, painting, music, dance–all of these and more activate the restorative healing parts of your body and mind. Guided meditation is another way of calming the body and mind. Short periods of meditation –3 to 5 minutes a day done consistently moves you toward healing. This accumulates over time. You will find that you are calmer, stronger, have more physical and psychological stamina.
As you heal and get stronger, you will find others whom you can trust, individuals who are not narcissists and who are empathic. We don’t need a lot of friends, just a few. Friendship is a powerful part of healing and sustaining us throughout our lives.
End the cruel Narcissistic Psychological Gotcha game by using these practices and your deep intuition which always tells you the truth. Pay close attention to these messages. We tend to wave them off. Don’t share your intuitions with most people. They won’t believe you. It is a waste of your time and effort. You will find very few individuals who trust this kind of knowledge. The more you use your intuition the more powerful it becomes.
Trust the healing process within you. Celebrate your individuality and authenticity. Embrace your creativity. Feel your loving heart.
Thank you.
Hello Dr. Linda, I am a 35 year old woman married to a narcissist for 3 years. I realized it after 6 months of marriage when I started seeing major discrepancies between how he projects himself in public and how he is at home. When he was pursuing me he was that just cannot go wrong ideal charming gentlemen who is too good to be true no wonder I was floored. However things changed as soon as I married him. He is mentally and physically abusive has very skewed perception of life and an extremely manipulative, controlling, sadist, liar. He loves to control and create a fight out of nothing he does all the wrong things in life and talks about goodness karma and righteousness in public. I searched a lot online and found out his characteristics a Xerox copy of narcissism. I want to share all my experiences so that people out there are aware that they are dealing with narcissists because info not want anyone to go through the confusion of those initial 6 months of my life where I was unable to understand why is this person being so nasty. The only thing I would like to know is is there a cure for narcissism? Knowing how narcissists are they do all of these manipulations purposely so is there a way to convince them for a therapy most importantly is it even curable? Thanks.
Thank you Linda. You have no idea how much you have supported me, I truly value and am eternally grateful for your blog which I consider my greatest support in this living nightmare x I may be in Australia and endless miles away though your blogs have been my lifeline. These individuals are beyond my own comprehension. I cant believe I am in this position though you help me through x
The naughty chooks are still trying to come to work with me 🙂 Three years in to the legal side and it is worse than ever. They predicted this at the beginning and I did not think it was possible. It is possible, he works within the system meant to protect my children and I. I would like to reaffirm what you have said in making sure you ensure you are across all financial and property, legal matters prior to leaving this type of individual. Seek legal advice prior to leaving, do it secretly if you have to. Know what you are facing. Research as much as you possibly can. Make sure you look after yourself and don’t beat yourself up. If I had known what you have taught me back then Linda our lives would be completely different now and this journey easier. For all of you out there who are going through this, listen and follow Linda’s advice. You may not think it is relevant at the time though I can promise you it will be. I did not find this site until well after separation. I wish I had found it earlier. For those of you at the beginning please listen and reflect on Linda’s wisdom. It wont make everything ok though for warned is for armed and with these individuals (I can think of much better words for them which I cant repeat) you need to be prepared as much as you possibly can be. Thank you Linda x
Hello, Dr. Linda,
Thank you for the wisdom of steps toward some healing. I’m going through a divorce with a sociopath, also known alcoholic and drug abuser, which I understand that it’s not clear which came first…the chicken or the egg.
Either way, what I’ve been through the past 6 months is still coming out in my dreams and memories,..things I have been likely suppressing. It seems that when we (speaking for myself and others like me) experience things so “crazy” that our minds can’t comprehend, and when we are in that fight or flight place for so long, and exhausted, that we suppress. I display some. PTSD and have been really struggling, but am awakening to know I can’t let him have the best of me, not anymore.
So, I thank you for the ideas of breathing, music, etc. I am starting some therapy and hopefully will learn more ways to cope and to heal.
I am finding many resources like yours online that I only wish I had known about before!!!! “Normal” or most people I am finding have no idea that Sociopaths/Antisocial Personalty Disordered/Narcissists and the like even exist, or at least they are just in the movies. I wish so much for more awareness some how.
Thank you for what you’re doing already to help that.
Nicole M
I just posted for the first time, and I hope it’s ok that I answer one of the other women’s questions about whether the N or SP knows what they are doing with the manipulation, lies, etc. I believe this is what she referring to, the sort of all of the above of their behaviors.
I am no expert of course, but in my experience, they sometimes do. My soon to be ex referred to it me as an experiment, he crafted lies and false evidence of things he tried to say I was doing at he clearly did, he also said referred to the “Frog in the pot” analogy (referring to me), and said very specific things in the beginning of our relationship before I had any idea how significant they were, but now I see. He also referred to himself as a “Lone Wolf”. We (family on both our sides) believe is a sociopath and he is somewhat aware of it. He absolutely does not care about the harm he causes, and I’m not the first one. He also said very specific things to my family and friends who know me very, very well, to try and discredit me, make me look crazy, and make me sound disordered, but not a single person has believed him and they all actually came to my rescue to get me out because I was so intrenched that I kept going back, discard, after discard, fight after fight. Marriage vows for non-N or non-SP people I believe are very difficult to back out on. That was partially me.
Anyway, there are some who do know exactly what they are doing and even know that they are “different”. This is something he also said to me once when he was trying to win me back. He said he doesn’t know how to love, but that by having me with him he was learning and he was changing. Truth is though he is who he is. He mirrored me for show and to get me in the first place, but truth is, he is who he is. That is my opinion, and it may not be true for everyone, but I tend to think it’s better to be safe than sorry. I wasn’t about to keep going through life as a prisoner as I waited to find out, if he could ever change.
Blessings to all out there.
No, it is not curable. Their brain matter is proven different than that of a normal human being. They do not have a conscience, nor can they love, have compassion or empathy. Only feelings of frustration, rage, etc (primitive responses). The best thing anyone can do who has a narcissist in their life, is run as fast and far as you can…no contact ever again. You win by not allowing them to maintain control over you. You also win by giving yourself the opportunity to find true love and happiness.
My narcissist husband and I have been married for only a year. When we got married, his only daughter was not in his life due to his ex-wife turning the child against him. After 7 months of marriage, he abandoned me and I had no idea as to why. I didn’t know where he was staying or anything. He would come by time to time but just for sex. Well, 5 months later he told me is daughter contacted him and she is now back in his life. He told me that he had to make me non-existent in order to continue his relationship with his daughter. During that time I asked for a divorce and he begged me not to do it. He even started being nice to me and communicating with me more. Well, 3 months ago, we started back living together and now he’s gone again. This time it was me who put him out! I put him out because he pushed me aside and gave his daughter all his time and attention. He lied to me constantly about the smallest things! When I tried to talk to him, he would curse me out and tell me that everything is my fault. This man will not admit to anything that he has done wrong. Also, he would leave town and not even tell me. I would find out when I get up to go to work and find a note on the kitchen table. He left everyday at 5:30 am and I wouldn’t see him again until 11 pm. When I asked of his whereabouts he would get very angry. I have felt extremely hurt and abused by him. When we started dating, he had nothing. I literally took care of him! It is going on 2 weeks since I kicked him out and I sent him separation papers so that I can divorce him. He actually signed them and brought them to my job. I thank God that I have my own money and assets that are not attached to him. I spoke to an attorney and he said that we haven’t been married long enough to get anything from each other! Three days ago he called me and asked if I wanted to go to the movies. Much to his surprise I said NO! After that he sucked me into his conversation and we had this big argument. After that blowup I initiated the NO CONTACT rule. I know he is very confused right now because usually when we have a fight, I’m the one who reaches out to him. So now that I haven’t, I’m not sure what he is thinking. I have been crying and talking to my friends about things and going through all types of emotions. I have to admit that I am hurt, but I am much happier without him being around!!! I’m in my house with peace!!! I feel relieved that I don’t have to endure the late nights out, the verbal abuse, the intimidation, manipulation, and the lies he constantly tells. I am ready to get on with my life and put this horrible experience behind me. If he calls my cell phone or job I will NOT answer. If he knocks at my door I will NOT answer. I know I have a long road to recovery, but he has NO place in my life anymore!
Ann, please don’t ever answer. He doesn’t love you, he just keeping u around because your a good source is supply and stability just in case. I would not be surprised if he is back with the child mother.. Or another girlfriend. Move on, he is crazy.