If you have a narcissistic parent, if you are married to a narcissist, the sibling of a narcissist—you know that these individuals are exceedingly difficult, albeit impossible to live with! I have heard innumerable life stories of those who are going through excruciating suffering as a consequence of these toxic relationships.
It is common for those who are being abused to keep thinking that they can “fix” the narcissist. This is not the case. This is a very fixed personality that does not change. The defense mechanisms of the narcissist are like concrete or steel–They include primitive projection, volcanic rage, extreme denial, rationalizations and splitting. You can’t take your narcissistic spouse to counseling and expect that he or she will cooperate. The narcissist will pretend to make moves that will help save the marriage. This is a well crafted act. In some instances they manipulate the therapist to their side and you are the one who is stuck with an “emotional instability” label.
As the child of a narcissistic mother or father, you suffered extreme emotional and psychological deprivation. You were not loved for your true self. You were exploited as a living narcissistic supply. Some children are discarded since the narcissistic parent does not view them as measuring up to their expectations. So many of these lovely children are cast aside to fend for themselves, even as very small children.
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Having a narcissistic sibling who hates and envies you from the beginning, tells lies about you, perpetrating myriad cruelties upon you, is one of the most difficult roles for a child. If the narcissistic sibling is the golden one, you were never believed. You were the source of ridicule and criticism. You were excluded from the family for not being “good enough” or the “bad one.”
If you have lived any of these roles as the victim of narcissistic abuse, it is essential that you understand that as a child you had no choice; as a spouse you could not have known that your husband or wife was a severe personality disorder.
A profound life change begins to take place when you recognize and appreciate who you are as a unique, invaluable, creative and loving individual. You are entitled to heal from the wounds of childhood that have haunted you all of these years. You deserve to face each day with inner peace and hope in your heart.
As the former wife or husband of a narcissistic spouse, you will learn to breathe deeply again, to set off on the pathways of your own individual life. Hold fast to your personal vision and inner wisdom.
Tell yourself and take action based on this vow that a narcissist will never “steal” your life, sap your creative energies, halt your dreams, bring you down—ever again.
You are evolving as an individual on every level as you heal—mentally, emotionally, psychologically, creatively, spiritually. Celebrate this long journey you have made. Feel your renewed vigor, creative juices, new goals and aspirations as they spring forth from deep within you. And spread the good news to others who are waiting to hear your words of support, empathy, strength and perseverance.
Thank you for this topic. My narcissist husband left, but until I am totally free of him per our pending divorce. I feel attached to him. He still is occupying my head because he is controlling much of the money I will receive per my alimony for the rest of my life.
I have many dreams to move on, which I feel I have already done so. I moved out of WA state where he”dumped” me and his sons, and ran away, never looking back, and moved into my own apartment too for the first time in my life. . I must say I am proud of myself, how happy I am that he left, and pleased I can hold my head up knowing I did nothing to deserve any treatment he ever dished out to me.
My dreams for me are to do things I never did before while married to him. I want to continue to write my book, and hopefully publish it. I want to dance again, and have been looking at taking Ballroom dancing, which I always loved to dance. I plan on purchasing my own home, in my name- another first, plant gardens, and meet new people since I am an extrovert Learning how to trust again and throw away “regret” is the hardest thing for me to overcome, but know I will eventually, in time. My healing has already begun, and will continue for many years to come.
Looking forward to so many new “firsts” in my new life.
My wife left me. I was devastated. She left one minor child with me also. He is a good kid and is now just starting to relax and apply himself at school. He’s doing really well. There is peace in our home now and my anxiety levels have dropped. I’m what you call an Empath. I gained about 20lbs due to anxiety eating and basically became frozen. I wasn’t able to live my life freely, or better yet I chose to live in fear on my wife. It’s only been a few weeks, but I have contacted an attorney and filed for separate maintenance. I’m still hurt, and feel deep loneliness. I was also feeling anger and resentment. I know I’m not alone though. God is always with us and I’m in counseling and looking for a good support group. Everything is done basically. The house of cards has fallen. I had two other women tell me that they knew my wife was going to leave me. I’m glad she did. She wants to make a lot of money, so make it for me now. I’m saying these things for me and you out there. The sexual abuse was awful. She tried to make me feel that my sexuality was perverted and not normal. I’m as normal as a male can be and enjoy sex. She did not enjoy it at all-used it to control. Basically, everything in my life as a person that is good and better than what she had, she attempted to destroy. I seriously think she was out to kill me. I’m a recovering alcoholic and she started to drink again and bring alcohol into our home. I take that as a serious threat as though the closest person in my life was threatening my life. She didn’t know me as well as she thought cause when she threatened to leave me, I said there is the door. I’m staying in my home with my child. You leave and good riddance.
Hi Marty,
That was very brave of you and I really like what you said at the end. It’s amazing how similar your story is to mine. I also have 2 minor kids and they are really starting to thrive. Is there a way we can communicate and be a support to each other?
My grandson has a narrcissest mother…has been very difficult for him… I worry bout him..hes 20 but the affects since a child made m take to drugs…help
Thank you Dr. Linda Martinez for your encouragement, reassurance, and most of all validation for the reality that there are certain types of people who can do so much hurt without remorse. For many long years I felt alone, confused and insane with what was going on in my relationship, am now out one year. With the help of a trauma therapist and a few supportive people, the road ahead looks much brighter than I ever thought possible. I’ll keep reading and learning.
The movie,”Ordinary people,” is a prime example of a NM and the toxic influence on her son and husband
Hi everyone i wish i had known what i know now about narcissism, my ex stole 35 years of my life because i had no clue what was going on plus he was such a fake he had everyone including my family fooled and blaming me, i was falling apart anxiety depression panic attacks the whole 9 yards, i would try to tell people about his behavior but unknown to me he had been round everyone doing a smear campaign against me, which caused me more confusion made me more ill, fast forward 35 years he left me in financial ruin at 54 years old i cannot get another job have to scrimp on a pittance £50 a week, he has £1000 a week a new girlfriend who he told someone i know she will do the now he thinks he can do better than her, my kids grew up and saw who he was and supported me i divorced him, i want nothing from him dont want to be beholding to him and keep him out my life, in a way he has ruined the rest of my life i can barley survive no private pension for the future while he is away on holidays and out wining and dinning the new woman
Do you know anything about sons of a narcissistic mother who cannot truly attach to others, even their own wives and children? My husband was forced to choose between narc mother and birth family and me and his adult children. He had a nervous breakdown, became an alcoholic and then last week attempted suicide. All because he wouldn’t stand up for me and couldn’t live without her when he tried no contact. My therapists has watched me do everything humanly possible to fight his battle for him. I’m giving up the fight and almost at the point to give up on him. After all, he’s acted like he doesn’t even see me. He’s a very sweet (almost perfect before the alcohol) man yet he can’t find his voice. Any help?
I have a question but I don’t know where to go to ask about it? I am in the process of a divorce with my husband of 10 years. For at least 8 of them he has said that the reason he is not living and affectionate and is not interested in sex with me, is because I have not been a good enough housekeeper. We have three children now. I was always a cluttered person but I sincerely tried to become better at keeping house. But every time it would get back to being a mess he just became more resentful and angry. He would tell me that he couldn’t have sexy with someone that he didn’t respect and had resentment towards. He felt that way about me because he believed I did not care about his need for a tidy home and felt I was lazy and sefish. Over time this hurt me more and more and I am certain it affected my housekeeping skills even more. I am desperate to know if I have been indeed wrong in this situation and if I am crazy to have hoped that despite my inabilities for several reasons over the last several years to consistently keep the house in order , that my husband would be able to love me for
my other good qualities to still be able to feel affection for me and still be able to be intimate. I feel so broken and lost. I just wanted to know if anyone had some insight to this specific kind of situation?
I am new to this site, and am so relieved that there is a word for what our family has experienced for so long. What advice would you give to a family who shares a home with this individual. I share a 4 bedroom home with my mother-in-law (who is disabled and suffering from a pain pill addiction since shattering her hip in automobile accident) The behaviors are intensified during certain times each month. No one can live with this woman for extended periods, she says the rudest things. And has given some low blows when she was hoping to have co0nfrontation. I injured her previously as I was trying to avoid injury from her swinging a cane at me. I have never before seen, or been present to a woman like the one who comes as an added bonus to the most amazing man on the planet. If we werent so alike in so many ways, i am convinced that we were cut from the same cloth. I have never met anyone who “gets me” and understands me and my ways. Until we met, I thought I would just be with a man until I die. Marriage is not an option. I have always saw it as a bad omen. Dennis makes me feel something that I never felt before. Its hard to explain and put into words. But the point i am trying to make it that with all the happiness and joy this relationship has gave me, it also gave me something that is almost as shitty as everything else is amazing. His mother. No one person has made me feel such anger, rage, than this piece of crap human being. I am happy there is a term, condition, label for this nightmare. I am desperate to find help that Dennis, and I can actually use. I also want to mention that she lacks the ability to communicate the way most normal people do. I think that is the most frustrating of all. Nothing that I say, write, or anything is absorbed and processed like normal folks do. If she had the intellect, and depth of a High school Graduate, it would help so much! Not only am I dealing with a Live in Narcissist, she has addiction to Xanex, becomes violent when I am unable to walk away from her mouth and the insanity that is always coming out of it. I wondered if this is what she really thinks, or is she just trying to get me to react??? HELP BEFORE I GO TO JAIL
The best thing you can do for him is to leave him. Teach him no contact by cutting off all ties with him. Indulging mama’s boy will only make him attach further to his toxic mother and see you as a threat to their “perfect” bond, subconsciously of course, not on purpose. Thus you become a engaged in a battle against the nacissist, which you and the man in your life will lose because triangulation is actually a game set up by the narcissist, and she knows the only possible outcome is her victory. You are just a pawn in it, the enabler. The only Try focusing on yourself. What do thing you can do to try to help this man is to take yourself out of the game. What is it in life that you want? That has to be something NOT about him. You. What would you want from life if he was not there. It doesn’t matter if it’s something insignificant, as long as it is something that you would like. By focusing on yourself as a worthy human being you will show him that life is vast and doesn’t revolve around one human being. Then he might feel like he is missing you, come round and agree to some couple therapy sessions with you. If he does not come round, then his choice is to stay with his abuser and not only there’s nothing you can do about that (you can’t force people to do what you want them to do) all you can do is to sacrifice your precious life to a silly game of triangulation.
There’s a nice book called Games People Play by Eric Berne that could be of interest to you as it explains the dynamics of this kind of toxic interactions in a fairly fun way.