Narcissists are highly secretive. They create special compartments for their innumerable secrets. There are narcissists who lead a series of impenetrable compartmentalized private lives. Since narcissists don’t have a developed conscience it doesn’t bother them that they are continually betraying those closest to them–spouses in particular. I hear from men and woman who have been married to narcissists for years and decades who were psychologically and emotionally devastated to learn that the person they trusted the most and whom they loved deeply, cheated on them multiple times throughout the marriage. Narcissists are often obsessed with acquiring money in various forms and keeping it all to themselves. NPDs don’t “share.” Many of them have hidden cash and bank accounts that are cleverly concealed from their partners. They are masterful at “spiriting away” their assets. The spouse does not suspect this venal level of duplicity. One scenario that occurs preceding a divorce is that the narcissistic spouse will have taken control of most of the money and financial assets and hidden them through complex financial instruments or by making “arrangements” with an old business partner or some other back door means. After the divorce papers are served and the opening rounds begin, the narcissist claims that he or she has no money or assets or investments of any kind. Surprisingly, this “story” can play well during the divorce skirmishes. At times a forensic accountant is hired to analyze and trace the money and investments that have been pilfered and concealed by the narcissistic spouse. As they cheat and steal from you, narcissists are highly suspicious even paranoid that they are being taken advantage of by their spouse. They play the victim role to the hilt. They rage that the spouse has stolen what is theirs. Narcissistic personalities are psychologically delusional. They manufacture their own reality. They detest the truth, especially when it is pointed out to them. It enrages the narcissist and activates his volcanic rage. Don’t blame yourself for not picking up the clues that you are married to a narcissistic personality. They are so masterful at concealing the truth about your relationship with them. They know just when to turn on the thousand watt charm, to promise you whatever you want and to woo and hypnotize you into believing that they love you. A time will come when you have put enough of the puzzle pieces together to know that you are being deceived and hurt, that you can longer overlook, rationalize or tolerate the insidious lies, the recriminations, the primitive wounding projections. Many spouses start to research the NPD and discover that this is the person to whom they are married. Others know deep inside that this way of living is hurting them psychologically and emotionally too deeply and for too long. At this point the spouse can make a decision to stay with the narcissist or to get a divorce. Those who stay in the marriage are making a very tough choice but some men and women do this if they have children and want to maintain some kind of family. In some cases the narcissist has discarded you long ago and is already in a new, more exciting romantic relationship and is relieved to put you aside. Others say: “No more!” They do careful research, interview attorneys, obtain the tools that they need to move through the divorce process. Often this is a battle royale with the narcissist playing very dirty. At some point the gavel comes down and the formal marriage is over. I give tremendous credit to those who go through this process with courage, grace, fortitude, focus and stamina. Rediscovering your unique creative gifts, you unleash the power within– the True Self.
Category: Narcissistic Personality
Narcissist’s Outrageous Self Entitlement
“The narcissist has an incredible sense of self-entitlement. Everything is about him and belongs to him. He smoothly oversteps the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing, and humiliating them to bend them to his will and his desires.” (From: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life). (This post refers to male and female narcissists.)
The narcissistic ego is so vast it cannot be measured. The narcissist must always keep his/her ego inflated at all times. He is always collecting narcissistic supplies in the form of adulation, praise even adoration from others. The narcissist feels completely entitled to disrupt and in some cases destroy the lives of others so that his needs and desires are met. Along with the extreme self entitlement is an unrelenting ruthlessness. If you are between a narcissist and his goal, even if you are his spouse or child—be prepared for this person to overrun you to get to where he deserves to be. The narcissist looks down on everyone and exploits people all of his life. For many narcissists life is all about money and power. Getting more and giving less is his motto. With his children, the narcissist is a dreadful parent. He or she may choose one standout child that is attractive, gifted and extroverted to become his clone. This is the prized one; the other children are treated like unpaid help. They don’t exist except to serve the narcissist.
The narcissist thinks nothing about a real marriage. He doesn’t have a marriage; it is a business deal. What’s in it for me? Many narcissists, male and female, purposely marry someone who is on their way up professionally or who comes from a family of wealth or who are (in the case of narcissistic women) decades older than they are and can be used to extract money and a great lifestyle out of their partner. Meanwhile they lead a secret life or several secret lives. This is thrilling to the narcissist who is living on the edge of great excitement. He or she is wanted by so many–This is proof of their perfection and greatness.
If you have a narcissistic spouse and recognize these personality characteristics along with a complete lack of empathy, exploitation, humiliations, ruthlessness, cruel controlling behaviors toward you, there are several directions you can take. Some spouses stay in the “relationship” because they feel secure in the material lifestyle and are afraid to be on their own. Others choose to sever the marriage and get a divorce and re-start their lives. Many have done this and report that after the duress of their divorce, they are making consistent steps toward turning their lives around. They are growing their creative gifts, making their decisions freely, determining their own futures.
Narcissists–Becoming More Powerful, Cruel, Ruthless
The narcissistic personality disorder is fixed but not static. (This post refers to male and female narcissists.) As the narcissist becomes more successful in the world, he/she activates greater and greater grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and ruthlessness. If he is at the top of his profession—finance, medicine, science, academia, entertainment, entrepreneurship, politics, media, etc. he is surrounded by a circle of people who believe that he is superior. This protective golden circle provides the high level narcissist with a continuous circulation of narcissistic supplies: adulation, praise, accolades, multiple perks, high monetary compensation.
(There are narcissistic personalities who are not successful in their professions or work who wreak havoc and destruction in the lives of their spouses and children.)
As narcissists move to higher tiers of power and influence of great reach, they become untouchable in terms of being held accountable for their personal misdeeds and treacheries. The narcissist is emboldened by his increasing reign of power, his control over others, his capacity to destroy them. He assures himself that he can make or break anyone. And often this is the case. Does it matter to him if he destroys someone else’s career. Absolutely not! This is business—hardball. Those who side with him (not knowing that they too are disposable) will vanquish his enemies. The narcissist becomes more and more ruthless and inhumane as he grabs more power and becomes more maniacally delusional.
If this narcissist is a waking nightmare at work, he is hellish at home. In the private space there is no need wear his false mask. It is ripped off by the time he reaches the front door.He screams, taunts, threatens,demeans, humiliates his spouse and children. The reign of narcissistic terror is endless. He has his spouse in a psychological stranglehold. If the marriage is going badly and the spouse suggests a divorce, the decree of threat comes down—“You will be left with nothing.” “I will get full custody of the kids.” “Everyone will know that you have instigated the divorce and take my side.” “I will hire attorneys who will defeat you at every turn.”
These threats are continuous and terrorize the non-narcissistic spouse. I have been in communication with men and women who are so frightened that they feel that their only recourse is to stay in the toxic marriage. If you make “nice” with the narcissist, he will always find ways to belittle and threaten you. In some cases he has complete power over the finances, leaving the non-narcissistic spouse at his mercy. Some spouses reach a breaking point—They are in severe distress–they cannot sleep; they are on red alert free floating anxiety all of the time; their physical health is suffering; their children are enduring emotional stress as a result of the narcissist’s constant eruptions of rage, outrageous demands and ongoing cruelties and humiliations.
Don’t wait for the narcissist to change course. He knows he can control and manipulate you at any time. He is eclipsing your life–taking more of it away day by day.
Some spouses listen to a final wakeup call and take the step to sever their relationship from these highly disturbed individuals. They strengthen themselves physically, mentally, psychologically and spiritually. They surround themselves with a supportive group of people who understand and care deeply about them. I have heard from many of those who made this decision and successfully severed their relationship with the narcissistic spouse. All of their efforts—well thought out and skillfully done—paid off. This was not easy. It takes great courage and an abiding confidence in the self. An essential part of this process is to learn to take very good care of yourself. Learn to heal the body and mind through practices like gentle hatha yoga, guided meditation, spending time in Nature, listening to the music you love that you find is healing and other practices that bring you a sense of growing peace and groundedness.
Married to a Narcissist–When Will This Nightmare End
Some nights while sleeping we have nightmares. When we awaken the experience can be so powerful that it takes us a while to get our emotional and psychological bearings and to step out of the horrid dream. Some people find it helpful to take time to understand the language and meaning of their nightmares and other dreams.
(This post refers to male and female narcissists.)
For those who are married to a narcissist–waking life is a nightmare. Patterns of emotional and psychological cruelties prevail. Some spouses become accustomed to these patterns and live in these hell zones for decades. Others wake up and recognize that they don’t deserve this dreadful treatment, the eclipsing of their lives and the oppressive fight or flight mode they are in all of the time.
Begin by not minimizing the narcissistic spouse’s chronic cruelties and don’t rationalize them with: “He’s having a tough time.” “I am making it harder for him/her by not understanding deeply enough.” “He is more powerful than I am.” I am enjoying this lifestyle and cannot leave him/her because of this.” “My family is insisting that I stay married to keep us all together and not cause gossip.”
You have been victimized for years, even decades by the narcissist with gaslighting that makes you feel crazy; you have been blamed for everything that goes wrong so you are in a chronic state of guilt; you are criticized and beaten down so that you have no physical or emotional energy. You go through your days putting one foot in front of the other, looking at the ground beneath your feet. There is no bright sky for you, no positive expectations about your life. You are so involved with the narcissist’s psychological imprisonment of you that you don’t even think of taking good care of yourself.
When the narcissistic spouse suspects –and they are very cunning–that you may be approaching the truth about them, they initiate a change up play: “Let’s go into couples counseling.” This will not work with a narcissist since this is an unchanging personality disorder. He or she goes a few times, thinks he has you off the scent and reverts to his old abusive patterns.
A time of reckoning comes when you awaken from this sleeping/waking nightmare. You now know that you are married to a NPD, a serious disorder, a person who is exploitive, duplicitous, betraying, cruel, cold, vindictive and completely lacks empathy. In addition you are the recipient of horrendous primitive projections that are vomited on to you from the narcissist’s toxic unconscious. Sick and exhausted from this emotional and psychological putridness–you have come to a huge fork in the road.
Now you are fully awake! You are taking action. Read about the true nature of the NPD in-depth to become fully educated. Find an excellent family law attorney who will be your true advocate maneuvering these rough waters to your freedom. Become highly informed about your financial assets and who is controlling them. Do not share anything you have learned with your narcissistic spouse. Never confront a narcissist with his or her diagnosis. This will inflame them and ring the alarm that you are planning to get out of the marriage. This can cause you undo distress and can begin a process of their concealing assets from you and planning their counterattack. You want to catch them as off-guard as possible.
Practice taking very good care of yourself. Find healing modalities that work for you including guided meditation, acupuncture, exercise that works for you, gentle hatha yoga, listening to music that is healing, spontaneous writing, spending time in Nature, etc. These practices become part of your daily life and your lifelong healing.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Narcissists Play Very Dirty During Divorce
Narcissists are consummate actors. Almost everyone believes them. This is not surprising. They have been rehearsing and perfecting stellar performances all of their lives. If they are grandiose narcissists they take over life’s stage. They thrive on attention, adulation, praise and power over others. (I am speaking about male and female narcissists.)
I have watched them hold forth during social events. They cannot stop talking about themselves, their accomplishments, successes, their net worth, their business conquests, their treks throughout the world. They are thrilled with themselves—higher than a kite.
There are covert narcissists who use the mask of humility and self effacement who do not put on these florid displays. Nevertheless, they have the same psychic structure beneath the quiet façade.
Narcissists are very engaging and we are attracted to them easily and quickly. They know how to play people; they are experts at the pursuit. It is not surprising that women and men fall romantically so hard for them. The narcissist has decided that he/she has picked you as his marital partner and you are mesmerized. He paints a compelling picture of your lives together and you can’t say “No.”
For a while after the marriage and for some spouses, a longer space of time, you believe that this person truly loves you. You trust and love this individual. .
Small cracks begin to appear in the relationship. You catch him in lies. His temper flares often and you feel the full impact of his volcanic rage. He manipulates you through humiliation and intimidation. Your stress level mounts; you become frightened and anxious. You keep trying to make the marriage work. He betrays you over and over again. Finally, you realize that the marriage is irretrievably broken and you must get divorced. This recognition can take decades. However, once you’ve finally decided that you need to get a divorce, it’s important to find a reliable divorce lawyer that can finalize this. Perhaps this Harrisburg divorce attorney could help those who need to get a divorce.
You take the high road and agree to making a settlement, even to participate in couples therapy. He sabotages these efforts. The narcissist does everything he can to wear you down, even to make you ill so that you will have nothing including your health when he is finished with you. He will make sure that you are conquered and ruined. That is his intention. This sounds extreme but I have seen these psychological and financial assaults on the part of narcissists too many times during divorce to know that this is true. It is part of their psychopathology. They must always win at all costs.
Be ready for the dirty divorce. Make sure that you understand the psychopathology of the narcissistic personality in-depth. Hire an excellent attorney (Interview several if necessary) who is your true advocate, who understands the complex manipulations and dirty dealings of these personalities and is never intimidated. Make your plan skillfully in advance of any papers being served. Make sure you know the financial picture clearly and are keenly aware of all of the assets and their locations and have access to them. Do not share any information about your plans with anyone except a very trusted friend or relative. Make sure that you have the funds to carry you for a while if the final proceedings are delayed. Some narcissists love to drag out this process to wear you down and out so that you will make a quick settlement.
Above all, take very good care of yourself. Make sure that you get the sleep that you need and deserve. Do activities that keep up your stamina. Choose a form of physical exercise that works for you. Some individuals benefit from gentle yoga practice, guided meditation and other healing practices. Be kind and patient with yourself.
Look forward and know that the time will come that you are evolving and living freely and experience deep inner peace. You are entitled. Appreciate the lovely person you are.
Malicious Narcissists Convincing Others You Are At Fault Or Crazy
Narcissists have a sinister side, especially if they want something that you have and you refuse to comply. This becomes very ugly during the severing of a marital relationship. Many non-narcissistic spouses who have been treated abominably still want to believe that when it comes to ending the marriage, the narcissist will be civil and fair just for the purpose of watching you exit quickly. The plays are opposite–Bring on the army of shark-toothed lawyers and go for the jugular. To protect yourself, study and research in-depth the true nature of the narcissistic personality including examples from real life. Get to know this personality profile intimately. It will be a strong reminder when you start to bend or buckle to the narcissist’s tricks, tactics, strong arming techniques and charm offensive.
Another dark ploy is that narcissists contact your relatives, in-laws, friends and anyone who will listen to broadcast blatant lies about your character. This doesn’t happen in all instances but it is remarkable the lengths these malicious individuals exceed to trash you, put you at fault and lead others to believe that you are “crazy”; you need immediate psychiatric help; you have always been unstable, etc. Even people whom you have trusted —family members—can be flipped to the narcissist’s side, especially if he/she has influence over them and deep pockets.
To successfully deal with these complex and stressful situations as you move toward divorce, be sure you hire an attorney who is not only an expert in family law but who is exceedingly savvy about the ruses, tricks and ploys of the narcissistic personality disorder. Your attorney needs to be highly professional but fearless in facing this relentless cruel and destructive individual. An excellent attorney in these situations must be like ultra-marathon runners. Regardless of any obstacle placed in front of them by the narcissist, they are undaunted. Their perseverance is golden.
A narcissist (male or female) will wage a custody battle for the sole purpose of trying to psychologically and financially decimate the former spouse. For the narcissist, revenge is sweet. It’s where they live in their delusional treacherous minds.
Surround yourself with individuals whom you can trust completely and who believe and understand the horrible ordeal you are going through. Be good to yourself. Know that you hold the truth. You are very wise. If some others around you don’t believe your life story, don’t associate with them. Don’t talk about your personal life. Be protective of your privacy. Another dirty offensive is to make you look “crazy” . This is so cruel and sadistic. Know that you are the sane one who is holding the truth. You are entitled to be treated with respect. You deserve it. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will always reveal the truth to you and help you to maintain a sense of steadiness and calm.
Classic Narcissists Demean Your Feelings and You
Classic narcissists, larger than life, bombastic, charismatic to some, sail through life in the fast lane—always moving to their next cascade of narcissistic supply. If they are very successful they have more opportunities to be adored, praised and rewarded handsomely in this current world of rampant pathological narcissism. Those at the top of their game don’t do the hardest work. They have adoring followers, psychologically dependent individuals, hangers on, at their beck and call.
If you have narcissists in your family, I am sure you are too keenly aware of how they demean you and/or ignore you or both. If you are having a difficult time and you share this with them, they completely ignore what you are saying or they wonder what is the matter with you that you have caused such trouble for yourself. “Is there something wrong with you that you have so many problems?”
Some of the most cruel, cold human beings I have known are classic narcissists. Since they have no internal psychological consciousness or a well developed conscience, they move swiftly and smoothly through their professional and personal lives with ruthless abandon. They choose partners whom they can dominate and control. They ignore their children or choose only those who will become their living ego supplies—little narcissists who will grow up to be just like them.
Do narcissists care about you if you are their child, spouse or sibling? Not so much or not at all. They are too taken up with themselves to give any energy to your life with its many painful twists and downturns.
Narcissists are peripatetic –They always have their engines running. They go from one project to the next–one trip to the next—one acquisition to the next–one full makeover to the next–one partner to the next, etc.
They get a kick out of running circles around you. You are depressed or very anxious or going through a period of loss, confusion, financial distress, etc. You share some of your deepest issues with the narcissist and there is no response. It’s as if they are unable to hear you—literally. They jauntily move along in the conversation to tell you about how swimmingly their lives are going, how busy they are, what they are achieving and don’t forget–“their successes” (There is nothing wrong with success in the world. Here I am talking about all out bragging when the other person is going through a very tough time and needs to be heard). I find this kind of interchange to be nauseating and cruel. On some occasions the narcissist wonders out loud about what is wrong with you that you can’t overcome your problems. After all they did!
Remind yourself that you are genuine and that having psychological pain is part of a life that is lived authentically with real feelings and deep caring for others as well as oneself. You are not deluded. You do not brag about yourself. You are highly empathic and care deeply about the feelings, the problems and the suffering of others–family members, friends spouses, etc. You are the opposite of the narcissist.
Give yourself credit for being a true individual who is growing and evolving. Know that this is a process that takes time and effort and that you are moving toward developing a stronger, expanded true self. (The narcissist is a false self that leads his/her entire life in delusion.) There are others who are real whom you know and will find.
Let the narcissistic world twirl by at ever increasing speeds as it goes nowhere.
Stay with your path and your rhythm. Practice self care. Access and use your intuition for direction and validation of the truth.
Maintain distance from narcissists, especially in your personal life. Don’t engage with them at all and if you must, keep it short and detached.
Focus on your creative inspirations, your spiritual life (if that is your choice), the boundless beauty and comfort of Nature and a few human beings who want to share their lives with you. Learn from one another; help one another.
Narcissistic Parents–Buying Off Their Children
Narcissists are incapable of developing and sustaining genuine relationships of any kind with spouse or children in particular. (This applies to male and female narcissists.) They are parents in name only. Many of them spend most of their time away from their kids. They can’t be bothered taking time and patience to listen to their children, comfort them when they are upset, encourage them with school, show deep affection and love for them. So many children of narcissists with whom I have communicated describe their lives with a narcissistic parent as horrific. Those who are not the golden child and don’t have the physical attractiveness, academics, athletic prowess, social skills, etc. that the narcissistic parent values, find themselves marginalized and demeaned.
The narcissist parent is obsessed with his/her image. Because of this need for narcissistic supplies these parents make sure that to those living outside of the home, there is a look of perfection and normalcy about this family. A portrait of loving attentive parents is cleverly created for public image purposes for the narcissist.
To keep his/her children quiet and in control, narcissistic parents who have the means often use money and generous gifts as a way of buying off their children. This becomes a way of life for them. Money is used in exchange for love. Some children of narcissists go along with these manipulations; others recognize that their parent(s) is incapable of genuinely loving them. The narcissistic parent makes empty promises that are never kept. Some children remain tied to the narcissistic parent in a psychologically parasitic relationship. These children never grow up and realize their potential. They spend their lives waiting for something that will never come—genuine love. In exchange they accept the narcissistic parent(s) gifts, material largess and special privileges of being part of the familial inner circle.
Children who awaken to this truth go through painful realizations, recognizing that their parent cannot love. This is a difficult psychological and emotional process for children of narcissists. Surprisingly, many children of narcissistic parents are loving human beings, capable of deep empathy.
Coming to terms with the process of severing the relationship with a narcissistic parent is a complex process. There is a period of grieving over the loss of not having a parent–the person from whom you needed unconditional love. Some of these children benefit from psychotherapy in working through these painful issues. Part of the healing process is in their recognition that they are loving individuals, capable of emotional and psychological intimacy.
Some adult children find that healing practices like gentle hatha yoga and meditation help to quiet their body/mind, attain a deep sense of inner peace, detach from the narcissistic parent and rediscover and appreciate the unique authentic human being that they are.
You Discovered Narcissistic Parent’s Destructive Family Secret
Growing up with a narcissistic mother and/or narcissistic father is one of the most difficult and painful life experiences of all. You were treated dismissively without love and in its place was cruelty, criticism and humiliation. In some instances you were always compared with the golden child in the family who became a narcissist right before your eyes. This brother or sister taunted you and scared you. Mother or father always came to the defense of their “dear” special son or daughter. You were left with a back of the hand and any psychological crumbs you could scrape off the floor.
Children of narcissists are often highly intuitive. They know when something secret is going in their family. They may not be able to put their finger exactly on it and it usually takes time for the exact truth to form but by keen observation, eventually they know the truth. Children of narcissists are often truth seekers. They are among the most empathic of individuals.
Narcissists have secret lives. They lie effortlessly. They are two faced–appearing with a perfect public image that most people believe. In the shadows, when no one is looking, they do tremendous damage to family members, including their children.
The narcissistic parent shows favoritism to one child and extreme cruelty to another. He/she dismisses one as non-existent and raises the other to a state of royalty. The narcissist is always out for psychological supply that will keep his/her ego inflated and uses his golden child in this way.
There are narcissistic parents who perpetrate crimes on their children. I am talking about incest. (There are non-narcissistic parents who commit these crimes as well.) Incest is still a subject that is not approached openly in our society. It remains a taboo subject to this day. There are children who remember what happened to them. They were incested by their mother or father. This could have been one incident, several or a pattern of incest that ran through their entire young lives. Incest affects a child psychologically in a very deleterious way.
In many instances the child “forgets” what happened at the time because the experience was psychologically intolerable. At some point in their lives, some children remember and are horrified and haunted and overwhelmed. These experiences can reawaken to the surface at any time but often they occur when a person is under extreme stress, psychological trauma, a tragic incident or during psychotherapy.
The child may go to the narcissistic parent and confront them with this dreadful memory of what was perpetrated on them. The parent skillfully denies what he or she has done. Narcissistic parents are so cunning and clever that they lead the child to believe that this never happened. So much pressure is put on the accuser and victim that the victim becomes the target of psychological abuse. There are brothers or sisters who were not the victim of incest in the family but knew bits and pieces of the crimes that were occurring but were too scared to say anything.
The narcissistic parent adroitly has his/her story cleverly composed. “She/he has made up this accusation to get attention.” “She/he has this confused with something else that happened.” “She has always been highly dramatic and over the top; you can’t believe anything she says.” ” Her/his therapist implanted this incest memory during psychotherapy. It is absolutely untrue.”
The victim becomes the “crazy one”, the “liar”, the “histrionic”, etc. The narcissist’s lies usually “work” with other family members. No one wants to think or believe that this mother or father did the unthinkable. Well, this is not unthinkable. It happens more frequently than most people want to believe. Because the thought or the deed of incest makes people feel uncomfortable does not mean that it never happened or shouldn’t be discussed with candor and as often as necessary to bring these crimes into the light.
There are no words that are adequate to tell those who have been affected by incest how sad and horrified I feel for you. I wish you continued healing.
Those who discover the narcissist’s horrid secret should not be surprised that the rest of the family either is in total denial or if you reveal it, will turn against you for discovering it and revealing it.
You know the truth. Take strength and comfort in this, now and for the rest of your life. Most people do not want to know the truth about anything. They remain in denial and delusion and keep it that way for the rest of their lives.
There are rare individuals who seek and live the truth. That is a gift that they give to all of us.
Vissisitudes of Living with Narcissistic Rage
You have felt the ever sharp knifing through your body innumerable times if you are married to a narcissist, the son or daughter of a narcissist or sibling of a narcissist. Narcissistic rage is always on a boil within this person. It explodes at full force without provocation. He/she is filled with charm, magnetism, grace, conversation that moves so skillfully—yet when you are alone, in private the dynamic changes 180 degrees.
Now he is rampaging through the house–yelling, screeching, howling like a person gone mad.If you are the child of a narcissist you remember too vividly how close your narcissistic mother got to your face, her eyes gone wild, her mouth fully open, your nervous system quaking–you telling yourself: “This time she is going to kill me.!” Being on the receiving end of a narcissist’s primal rage feels like imminent death. But you don’t die and wish you had because the primitive sound does not stop. It feeds on itself. You run and the narcissist pursues you in the house. You can’t get away. It’s like a recurring dream that haunts you every night.
Finally, this round is over for now but you know that it will return. The monstrous tone, the menacing look in the eyes, the body that feels like it will strike and flatten you will come again. That you know—but not when and there is the terror. There is a dreadful unpredictability about these seizures of rage. As a result you are awaiting annihilation. Your nervous system is on vigil, in fight or flight mode at all times, even when you are asleep. There is no inner safety, no secure place in your mind and body where you can go when this human Vesuvius erupts.
As an adult who is healing from the narcissistic parent, spouse or sibling remember that you are entitled to change the way you feel inside. You did nothing wrong. You were victimized by a highly pathological human being. None of this is your fault. You could not have nor can you now change this person.Tell yourself each day that you are entitled to lead a life that offers you peace, security, a feeling of steadiness inside. The body/mind is prepared to heal. Be receptive to this process. You may find that excellent psychotherapy, gentle hatha yoga, forms of meditations, healing relationships, using your creative gifts, music, Nature and all of the ways that you intuit will make you whole. Gather your faith and hold it close. Do the work of healing every day. You deserve this inner peace.
Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.