Vissisitudes of Living with Narcissistic Rage

Rage. (Photo credit: Neil. Moralee)

You have felt the ever sharp knifing through your body innumerable times if you are married to a narcissist, the son or daughter of a narcissist or sibling of a narcissist.  Narcissistic rage is always on a boil within this person. It explodes at full force without provocation. He/she is filled with charm, magnetism, grace, conversation that moves so skillfully—yet when you are alone, in private the dynamic changes 180 degrees.

Now he is rampaging through the house–yelling, screeching, howling like a person gone mad.If you are the child of a narcissist you remember too vividly how close your narcissistic mother got to your face, her eyes gone wild, her mouth fully open, your nervous system quaking–you telling yourself: “This time she is going to kill me.!” Being on the receiving end of a narcissist’s primal rage feels like imminent death. But you don’t die and wish you had because the primitive sound does not stop. It feeds on itself. You run and the narcissist pursues you in the house. You can’t get away. It’s like a recurring dream that haunts you every night.

Finally, this round is over for now but you know that it will return. The monstrous tone, the menacing look in the eyes, the body that feels like it will strike and flatten you will come again. That you know—but not when and there is the terror. There is a dreadful unpredictability about these seizures of rage. As a result you are awaiting annihilation.  Your nervous system is on vigil, in fight or flight mode at all times, even when you are asleep. There is no inner safety, no secure place in your mind and body where you can go when this human Vesuvius erupts.

As an adult who is healing from the narcissistic parent, spouse or sibling remember that you are entitled to change the way you feel inside. You did nothing wrong. You were victimized by a highly pathological human being. None of this is your fault. You could not have nor can you now change this person.Tell yourself each day that you are entitled to lead a life that offers you peace, security, a feeling of steadiness inside. The body/mind is prepared to heal. Be receptive to this process. You may find that excellent psychotherapy, gentle hatha yoga, forms of meditations, healing relationships, using your creative gifts, music, Nature and all of the ways that you intuit will make you whole. Gather your faith and hold it close. Do the work of healing every day. You deserve this inner peace.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

36 thoughts on “Vissisitudes of Living with Narcissistic Rage”

  1. Thank you for this post. Your writing is extremely helpful as I get over having a narcissistic mother. The best step I took in improving my life was to cut way down on the communication with my mother. It feels so good not to deal with her drama and constant need for attention. I don’t care if I look like the bad guy to the rest of the family – it’s worth it. I have two questions (and I think I know the answers). Does the narcissistic parent ever realize that they are a narcissist and is it ever helpful to point out that she/he has a narcissistic personality disorder when confronting them about their behavior?


  2. Comment:From Anna
    Cats have been great healers for me, birds (I have songbirds living in trees around my apartment), trees and garden – my cat, now 14 years old – gives me more love in a day than I knew in my childhood prison in the whole 15 years of captivity there before I escaped. Nature’s healing power is wonderful. Animals give us the experience of safe and profound emotional connection, they are experts at this 🙂

  3. Comment:From:Maya
    MY PARENTS WERE NARCISTIC RAGERS…….i dont live with them anymore, thanx god… hurted so much, when i saw those rage eyes of my father and my mother…they were violent toward each other too…and to me….their little daughter… hurted so much……they divorced eventually……my memory of that, though, never faded away 🙁 THANK YOU DOCTOR LEWI TO CLARIFY WHAT THAT WAS, IT WAS NARCISTIC RAGE….NOT MY FAULT, i was just a child….and now i am a 35 year old woman,still unsuccessful ………..i have lived in a rent since i was 20……..i am trying to pick myself up, to get that university diploma…….i never actually belived in myself, my parents made me feel that way…….Pardon my spelling, i am european and not english.

  4. Comment:From Mary
    Hi David, I am still married to a narcissistic husband. I am on my way up and out. But ditto some of the family thinking I am the bad guy: hb is always charming and funny, to them. A sister told me “nobody wants to hurt you Mary, not even him (hb). But I think he did want to hurt me and I think he didn’t care how, because my needs and my wellbeing were not on his agenda – unless it was useful to him.
    I have wondered also about whether we should tell them they are narcissists. Maybe we should keep it up our sleeve until the right moment lest they divert the impact and make it all our fault – again.
    Wishing you a happy and healthy rest-of-your-life!
    Love, Mary

  5. Comment:From Mary
    Hi David, I am still married to a narcissistic husband. I am on my way up and out. But ditto some of the family thinking I am the bad guy: hb is always charming and funny, to them. A sister told me “nobody wants to hurt you Mary, not even him (hb). But I think he did want to hurt me and I think he didn’t care how, because my needs and my wellbeing were not on his agenda – unless it was useful to him.
    I have wondered also about whether we should tell them they are narcissists. Maybe we should keep it up our sleeve until the right moment lest they divert the impact and make it all our fault – again.
    Wishing you a happy and healthy rest-of-your-life!
    Love, Mary

  6. Comment: From Mel
    I was raised by a mother with narcissistic tendencies and I am in love with a man with narcissistic traits; he could have the full blown disorder. It has been very difficult because he blows hot and cold. He blindsides me with break ups and then is desperate to get me back. He has made empty promises to win me back and this in addition to the break ups has eroded my trust. He sometimes ignores me and then tries to convince me that he is not ignoring me by giving me excuses that he was simply sleeping or too busy. I can tell when something is wrong but he distances himself and withdraws and acts like everything is fine. He presses my buttons and gets me upset during arguments and interrupts me to deflect my point or to defend himself and then tells me to calm down. I feel like I am not heard or listened to and I feel like whatever was upsetting me was turned around on me and now he is the victim and he is so upset that we have to end the conversation. End result, my feelings were not acknowledged or addressed. Next comes the distance, his narcissistic rage is manifested in silence, ignoring, withholding love, breaking up with me as opposed to yelling and physical violence. I see many good qualities in him and we have a great connection and friendship during the good times and on his terms, but these good times dissolve into an angry silence and can not be sustained. I don’t understand why and I don’t know how to change things so that this will stop happening. I feel like I am dating a Jekyll and Hyde. I can’t help but feel punished by the break ups and the distance and the silence. He just started therapy for his narcissistic traits and he wants to go to couples counseling with me to prove that he is committed to me. I hate to admit it, but I am having difficulty trusting him because of the empty/broken promises and past history of break ups. Is there any hope that he can change this destructive behavior? What can I do to try to trust him again?

  7. Thanks, Mary. I’m glad you’re up and on your way out of a difficult marriage. Life will get better and you deserve better. I think you’re right – keeping the NPD to ourselves until/if we have to is the best way to go. They’ll just deny having it anyway. I also wish you a happy and healthy rest of your life.


  8. Dear Maya,

    First, good for you for getting away from your parents. No one should ever be treated that way. Second, you are successful. You have lived on your own and supported yourself for 15 years. I have found that there is very little in life that you can’t rise up from. You will get that college degree, not just to find a better-paying job but also because you are smart and strong. You may want to look at undergraduate programs like the University of Maryland University College, which have on-line programs and give you credit for life experience. Good luck to you, Maya. I hope you have a happy, healthy, wonderful rest of your life. You deserve it.


  9. Comment: From Barbara
    Absolutely agree with LM Lewis. As a person who was an RN (active in the profession) for 42 years and have a son who fell “victim” to this personality disorder. I can tell you first hand the disabiling effect this has on a “normal, well adjusted” individual. My son, through, unwavering love of his family and a few good friends, has been able to free himself of the torture and torment of his wife. Unfortunately his son, because of the laws governing parental right, is left in the custody of a Narcissistic Mother. We are working day and night to have the Court help us free this child and return him to his father so that he may lead a wonderful and loving life, which he deserves.

  10. Comment: From Doug
    Hi, David. I was also the child of a Narcissistic mother. Her pathology was covert, as it sounds your mother’s was, as well. They’re the master of disguises…Saints to some, nicest person ever met to others, a wonderful person who’d do anything for someone else, but we know otherwise. So when you try to explain what’s really behind the masks, no one believes you and you look like the bad guy. I gave up on caring what family members, or friends care. And when I have a chance to show absolute proof, I don’t hesitate a second to expose it. To answer your questions and I hope Dr. Linda won’t mind, but no, they can never change. It’s too deeply engraved in the subconscious and if you do attempt to expose themselves to themselves, you’ll either get total denial, or full on rage, or both. Nothing that any of the experts in this field see can change in any way this disorder with therapy, or anything else. They have learned to protect everything about themselves and it’s become themselves. Linda can certainly put it more gracefully than myself and I pray she will, lol!

  11. Comment: From Bobbi
    I was raised by a narc and later married one. They are all the same. They do not self reflect and have rage’s with any kind of confrontation. If you decide to tell her this you may find her projecting the problem on you later. As humans without self reflecting we don’t change. I have to stay away from my as much as possible. Even a phone call can turn into a nightmare if she needs her narc fix of hurting someone. Usually me the daughter. Sorry you had to go through this to. It stinks for a childhood.

  12. Comment: From Abby
    My mother probably had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and I just left a 20 year marriage to a narcissist. Dr. Martinez’s description of their special brand of rage is spot-on. Thank you for putting it into words. I’ve been on the receiving end countless times, but have found it difficult to describe to anyone else.
    Mary and David – telling a narcissist they are narcissistic is sadly a waste of time because they are incapable of seeing flaws in themselves (I understand). My husband found one of my books about the condition and blew up. He ranted at length about me thinking he’s crazy and why did I think I was so perfect…etc, etc. I fantasized that he’d be relieved to have a name for his unhappiness, but no, his illness doesn’t have room for ‘owning’ his own issues – all his problems are someone else’s fault, usually mine. But not any more. I’ve been gone 25 days and my life is just getting better and better.

  13. I sadly am an only child of a narcissistic mother. My dad was smart and got away years ago when I was in high school, leaving me alone with that monster that I absolutely hate. I am 46 years old now and live on that fine balance of being the only child to my mother and doing everything to please her to shut her up but at the same time I am filled with hate and rage towards her. Her cat, which I raised and took care of the majority of the cat’s life died yesterday at her house. When my mother called to tell me the cat died the conversation quickly moved to it being all about my mother and how pretty much what a horrible uncaring person I am because I don’t surprise visit her (I visit her once a month because she lives 1 1/2 hours away and I have to be heavily medicated to deal with her for a whole weekend, cannot be less than that) and how I don’t invite her to my house so I can take her out to her favorite restaurant (I don’t want her at my house, period). When she starts this with me everything that I worked hard to build myself up, the protective wall around me crumbles and I fall through that spiral rage thinking of every nasty mean comment she ever made to me, all of the beatings, kicking me out of the house (at 5 because it hurt when she was curling my hair and I cried), etc… In that spiral rage I do turn into a monster. I don’t care who I hurt verbally, I don’t care who I scare with that look of a killer on my face, I’ll soon self start medicating. Fantasies involving my mother feel good. I hate her so much. She makes me sick. Maybe one of these days I’ll get enough nerve to tell her this. She’s got a grip on me and I don’t know why I hang on. Probably because I don’t trust her. She would probably kill herself to get back at me which truthfully I could careless, please die NOW, but she would make it known to everyone that she did it because her only dear daughter who she did everything for hurt her so much. I hate my life. I’ve been to many counselors my whole life and nothing works. It’s me who has to stand up to that horrible woman who I allow to make me into this person I hate.

  14. You can’t trust him again – it is broken don’t try he will do the same bs over and over, this is only part of a honeymoon phase. Follow your instincts and get out don’t stay in this madness it doesn’t change it gets WORSE dont’ live in HELL, please don’t waste any of your time trying. You will be pushing a rock up a hill, lose yourself and feel resentment and anger and he won’t care he will laugh at your pain and feel in control when you are in pain. They are sadistic don’t trust and get out. Trust someone who will earn it not someone who has blown it.

  15. Read Lundy Bancrofts Book Why does he do that? this behaviour is deliberate and there is nothing you can do to change it – NOTHING believe me I have lived this for 10 years and it took this amount of time to see my behaviour makes no difference to this attitude – so many things given up and changes and still I am not good enough. Don’t put yourself through this. Don’t go to counselling get out. You are an audience thats it. Was raised by one married to one friends with one for two decades so all my life is with these – you will be treated like scum and it will be all your fault for reasons they invent and you begin to believe. It is a sadomasochistic relationship – don’t be a mashochist you dont’ deserve to be treated like excrement. Love is calm, not war.

  16. I am going to buy your book. I am 53 years old. I have been through years of therapy. I am on my 18th year of my 2nd marriage. He is a wonderful man. He has taught me to ignore my narcissist of a mother. She is a a rager behind the scenes. I have a vivid memory of her yelling at me and my siblings within inches of my face, just screaming at us and physically abusing us. She still says awful things about us. There are four siblings in my family and my sister and I don’t speak to one another, but I know that is a product of my mother. I have asked her to help mend that fence, but she refuses, now I know she likes it that way. I do stay away from her and only call her once every 2 months, and only visit once every 2 months. I feel that is sufficient. She is nothing but a troublemaker. She is now trying to ruin my relationship with my daughters. They are on to her schemes, thank God! She is a horrible person. Recently when my husband was very ill, she was mad at me for being so upset. I had her removed from the hospital and have not seen her since. I am so happy to have found this site. I am happy I did and find it helpful!

  17. Dear All, I am 52 and I thought I was intelligent but I only just worked out that my brother and my mother are narcissists. I was absolutely gobsmacked reading your experiences like Mum pushing her face into my face and screaming at me (for putting the sugar bowl in the cupboard rather than the fridge – or some such other minor thing). My older brother and only sibling is also narcissistic and so he would also inflict mental and physical torture throughout my young life. Up to this day I have been totally confused, hurt and unable to understand how my mother and my brother could be cruel and spiteful (my late father and I are unable to inflict pain on others). I thought my mother had Bipolar disorder and was having mood swings. As for my brother, I just thought he didn’t like the way I am. (My mother worships my brother). I’m just overwhelmed. After 52 years I finally understand what all that animalistic behaviour that they (mum and brother) engaged in as though it was acceptable. I feel so relieved – I can’t really explain how I feel but might indulge in a few tears. I never allowed myself to do that as I sensed that they fed off my pain if I showed it. Best wishes to all and let’s move on and enjoy life without the narcissist xoxoxox

  18. I guess they can’t change or be changed. That is hard to accept. What I worry about is if it rubbed off on me. My kids tell me I can be just like Grandma sometimes. That scares me.

  19. Looking at the comments, I noticed patterns of individuals, who having grown up with narcissistic parents, got into relationships with narcissistic partners. I was wondering what the reason for this is and what to do to lessen the chance of that happening.

    I have just recently realised that my mother’s issue throughout my life was her being narcissistic. Fights and manipulations are an everyday occurrence in the house, and I was always seen as the selfish one for not wanting to be closer to my family – not just by her, but by my father and brother as well, even though they know how she’s been behaving. A few days ago I decided that I needed to move out and my dad asked why I had to live somewhere else, as if he didn’t see the fight happening constantly and how cruel her mindgames were. My brother didn’t speak a word after I told him I was moving out.

    A year ago I was in a relationship with a guy who I get along really well with. We quickly became best friends and I trusted him more than I ever trusted anyone. When we first met he was this amazing, caring, and helpful person who took care of me. He changed after a while, he started pulling away and acted in ways that reminded me of mum – not being able to see my side, ignoring my opinions and feelings, calling me hurtful names. It was hard to believe that one person could be both cruel and caring at the same time, but I was convinced that if I tried harder everything would be back like it used to be. In the end he dismissed me, blocking off all contacts without even so much as a discussion, saying that we might pick things up in the future but not now. There was never a justified explanation, what he said one day was different than the next.

    Up until then I thought she only had poor insight and anger issues, but these articles make more sense and I thank Doctor Lewi and everyone else who took their time providing resources to the public. I understand now that it probably wasn’t all my fault. I hope it’s not too late for me to avoid falling into these dysfunctional relationships again and I hope those in the same boat have the courage to distance themselves from these toxic relationships.

  20. I did not realize until reading this that my own son is a narcissist. I knew something was wrong but not sure what. He is now 27, always putting both myself and husband down. We can not do enough for him. Its’ all about him however he will change that in a hurry. He has used us, abused us. We love him dearly and hate to break this relationship off but that is what it is coming to. I myself just do not know what to do. Its’ quite obvious from reading that they will never admit being wrong, but they always have to be above you. The ranting, raving, will borrow money and then say I dont’ have it to give back (big lie). He has a daughter (our granddaughter) is soon to be one. His partner I almost feel is the same. When she came into our lives she was oh’ so sweet, now we cant’ even see our grand-daughter b/c we smoke. Even to the point of going to visit once, and changed our clothes, only to hold her for 10min. I am at wits end. His father is so upset with him. He being my husbands’ only child, however he raised my other 2 children from a previous marriage. For some time I blamed myself and so did hubby for spoiling him, but the other 2 were as well. They would never think of talking to us the way the youngest does. Believe me, he does not care. Within a day of abuse, the next time he calls is like he did nothing. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Neither I or my husband can take it anymore. He has taken items from the house this incl’g my husband 4×4 ATV, along with other expenses. He bought his father a drill set for fathers’ day, borrowed it and we haven’t seen it again. What are parents’ of a child like this to do? Should we just say “Tough Love” we dont’ want you around. Its’ sad, but we dont’. He can be in our home for 5min. talking up a storm and the next 5min, he will ensue and argument, walk out slamming the door and calling us every name in the book. Please if you can, help us, we love him, its’ hard to let go, I feel bad for my husband but….we can not continue with his abuse, its’ like we owe him. Like he said at one point well if your going to sell the house just let me have it and I will pay rent (that will be the day) its’ going to be mine. Well it was like I slapped him in the face when I told him he had a brother and sister and “no” it does not belong to you!! He could not believe what I said. Another war….when does it end? Or does it? We cant’ take it anymore, it is hard to let go, is that what we do? Bewildered

  21. My sister is narc, I am 51.I have only recently realised what her disorder was.She gave me no help, or support, during Breast cancer, and was jealous when our Mum and Dad helped me, or visited me.She is a nasty, mean, jealous, unkind person, to me, and only does anything that may ‘appear,’ nice, if it has a pay off for her.I would like to join a chat group for siblings of narcsassi, are there any?

  22. Mel Please do not continue any relationship with this man, he will destroy you and not think twice about it. What you are experiencing now will escalate 10000 times, you will feel, degraded and discarded, like you have no value. You can’t have your own opinions if they are not in line with his. He will most likely cheat on you because they always have to have a “supply” of attention, they can’t help it and they don’t usually change. PLEASE, Don’t do it, move on you deserve so much more, you deserve to be happy!

  23. I’ve just escaped a guy who had traits not sure if he had the full-blown disorder as I called his bluff and he dumped me and I’d only known him 4 months and he was stringing along at least two other women and he ‘accidentally’ showed me a text from one of the others- and he’d probably been saying nasty things about me to his friends as he was an internet radio DJ and told me to ‘go home to my parents’ on his show and then barred me from the station and the manager didn’t defend me- that was the second radio station he had me barred from and he’d used me as a human shield to have a go at another woman without getting barred himself. I avoid his shows or anywhere he’ll be which means i can’t see his mate play or go to the local park.

  24. I am still all churned up from a road trip that I went on with my narcissistic brother last October. I thought we were going to have such a great time … I thought we were friends! How naïve of me! The thing is, he was going through the motions, keeping all his promises of where we were going to go. He agreed to pay the hotel bills and I would pay the food bills. But apart from going through the motions, every discussion we had led to him proving me wrong, showing me that my reasoning was defective, or that he was so much smarter than me. He sneered at anything I held dear to me. He would not stop hounding me. At one point, I caught him in the act of nastily mimicking my body language. I called him on it, asking him if he was mocking me. His reply was: “No of course not, I wouldn’t dream of doing that”. By the end of the trip, I felt as if I had been physically beaten up. I was shaking and crying in my hotel room and then decided I couldn’t take it any more. So I took flight – literally. Took a taxi to the airport and took the next plane out! Of course he couldn’t understand why I had gone, so I made up a story just to protect myself. The outcome is that I will be in his neck of the world in a few days again, and he knows I will be there. He wants to see me, but just the thought of seeing him again makes me ill. I have emailed him telling him that I am not planning to see him and that I would appreciate him not asking me any questions. Now he sent me an email telling me I’m hostile and not being fair and wanting to know why. I am trying to remain strong. I must not give in to him, but I need some advice as to where to go from here. Can anyone help me?

  25. Vicissitude(s)

    Good site/articles–grew up with a narcissistic, paranoid mother. Golden child would have to be my brother. We children stuck together for the most part, though, and she treated us the same: as reflections of her. In her defense, her mother was awful to her. My mother realized that her rages were violent and out of control and admitted herself to a hospital. Her “illness” was a lifelong challenge and she fought every step of the way. I am very proud of her her–she tried so hard to be better. My father was quite at a loss as to how to deal with her and seemed to appear weak in our eyes. What a roller coaster. A couple of times I just told my mom that if she did not treat me with respect, I would have nothing to do with her. Her choice. She came around when she knew I would not put up with her garbage on more second.

  26. Nini,

    Think about what type of relationship you want with your brother. It’s not going to get any better because for that to happen he needs to change his behavior towards you. If he wasn’t your brother and you randomly met him someplace, would you become friends?

    When I was faced with a very similar situation, I didn’t tell my brother to his face what was bugging me because I figured he’d be so angry he’d hit me. So I told him in an e-mail – laid it out for him and told him if he couldn’t at least understand my point of view I wasn’t going to have anything more to do with him. He never responded and I haven’t seen or heard from him in five years. My male friends are my brothers and they treat me better than my blood brother ever did. I’ve never regretted cutting ties with my brother. I do miss the type of brother relationship that I never had.

  27. Unfortunately the narcissist can fool so many. He/She can behave so differently to their friends until something happens. I have seen this with my son. Right now I would say he may have 2-3 friends. In his work-place they think he is just the cats ass, they do not know what the family knows. How the family gets treated. You have to step on egg shells. Just ONE WRONG WORD and look out. Really you do not get it until you go over your conversation, you dont’ have time for that, he is gone out of his element!! He is an animal, someone that just got out of the CAGE!! As I said, and this seems to be the same email, I have a SON who is just like this. What do I do? Tell him I do not want him around? That I do not love him? Sure he will leave for about a week, come in just so peachy you think nothing can go wrong!! How WRONG you are. I know my own son, the only real thing that makes him a little less OUTRAGEOUS is by telling him I love him and stop being so rude. He does not like to hear it but… It seems that I am the only one that can actually calm him. I have seen him get so mad that he had actually taken his fist and hit his father. Knowing full well that his father is not who he used to be. He can not get up quickly after having 3 back surgeries. He picks on the one’s that he know’s he can handle. My BIL, when he know’s he is coming, is just on pins and needles or he will just simply go out. He is terrified of his outburst’s. Yes, he has hit him as well, or looks at him with devil in his eyes’ and you just do not know what he is about to do. Since he has moved out of town, like I said previously, I am not a big fan of his g/f however, I do not know how he treats her. They have a child together but I worry that if he gets’ this way with her, where does she have to go? She is not going to run to her mothers’ b/c they do not get along. She does not want to live with her mother. So really, with him moving her out of town, all I can say honestly is that I hope with her having his daughter, “who he adores” and would lose it if she walked out. Perhaps she has not seen this side of him. Something tells me she has. They have been together for 3yrs. now and there is no way that he has not behaved himself all of this time.
    As I said, a Narcisist can certainly put up a real good front, it just depends how long it takes that front to break. I honestly hope that anyone who is unsure, should wait and be around someone like this that puts on Airs, just to see how long it will take b/f this person loses it for no reason. Please anyone who even has the slightest doubt, wait for at least 4-5mths. before they decide to stay with this person or move in with them. Do not be fooled, this can be a Male or Female. I wish all of you the Best of Luck!! DO NOT JUMP INTO A RELATIONSHIP IF YOU SEE ANY LITTLE SIGN, even one that he is cursing and swearing outside fixing his vehicle. You may think “oh well” he just ticked off, take that at FACE VALUE PLEASE!!

  28. Nini, the only thing that you can do is maybe be around him for approximately 1/2 – 1hr. To be around him any longer is putting you in his so called “Box”. Sure he is nice and will do whatever you want, however it does not take long for his outburst!! You have been around your brother, the only thing is, you have not been around him and he could at any time flip and say “whats your problem”. As I said, I know you love your brother but just limit the time around him. Do not give him reason to turn into that monster you know. Perhaps him visiting you may be better b/c then you can ask him to leave or have him removed. Your choice!! If you think you can handle him then go for it. As I said limit your time so he is unable to bring any past into the picture. If he starts with why dont’ you come around? Be nice, wait for a bit and then tell him you have to meet with someone or something. Make some excuse to get out of his way. Good Luck!!

  29. Mel,

    Your story could be mine except for the fact that mine is physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. I’ve been with him for 18 years and have 2 kids who have had to weather the storm with me. He has me so isolated and dependent on him that I don’t have the financial means to get away but I’m trying. He doesn’t validate my feelings but always tells me to calm down or that I’m living in the past. We never get to the root of the problem and I’m left feeling helpless and hopeless. Things have gotten worse, by the year. At one time, I was madly in love with his charm and thought that because he was abused growing up that I could help him and “fix” him. That I could love him enough to make him want to be better. He doesn’t accept responsibility for ANYTHING. I could write a novel on all the nonsense. I’m to the point where I’m so tired of the drama and being on guard for the next bomb, I don’t even care anymore. When I drive down the street and see his car in the driveway, I’m filled with an immediate sense of dread and want to turn around. This is no way to live. I urge you to RUN!! Mine has always been the sort to tell you what he thinks you want to hear to manipulate you to do as he wants you to and then he stabs in you the back the second you let your guard down.

  30. I have a narcissistic sister who I just gave up tying to communicate with. In fact, she has had rage and even one Christmas burned the gifts because she though a brother was mocking her.
    Well, I just cannot have a conversation with her without she taking an opposite side or making subtle digger remarks. She is gracious as a flower with others appearing kind and caring , but of course her daughter, husband and myself know a much darker side.

  31. It is with knowledge that your sister is narcissistic. Unfortunately this is the way these people are. Pretty as a flower with those who they do not have to really pay attention to or comment to. Smile on their faces, everyone thinks they are the most kind and caring people. If only they knew!! My son yesterday stopped in. A few days b4 he had to use my vehicle for work, his car was in the shop. I called the mechanic and told him I absolutely needed my vehicle back asap as I had a funeral to go to early the next morning. Well when he stopped in, it was all my fault they only did a quick fix, cost him 50.00 and he had to take it back today actually. I was no good when he went out the door. Typical. He was here today looking for the power pump for tires. We obviously told him we didn’t know where it was. Damn he found it. Everything he takes its his once in his possession, you have to pick it up at his house. When you do, you certainly hear about it! It’s unfortunate that others do not see only the immediate family.

  32. It is so unfortunate that we have to see this in our siblings and children. I know exactly what you are saying how they are around others. The only thing being they do not have to stay around those they put on an air for. I honestly believe that something happens to them prior to birth, what it is I wish I knew. My own son is your typical narcissist, he rants/raves at times. Other times he will come in with a smile, thats’ when you know he wants something. Once he gets what he wants before he leaves he is like a bear coming out of hibernation. Slamming doors, name calling, I could go on and on but I think you know what I am talking about. It is terrible as a mother and father when we know he is coming we just shake our heads, and hope he doesn’t show up. Knowing full well what will happen. When he leaves, nobody in the house is in that same good mood, he makes sure of that unfortunately!

  33. My narc mother never lets up. She recently ran into the man that was tying to molest me when I was ten and she gave him my phone number. I was so mad at her I couldn’t stand myself. Is she kidding me. She brings him home and then blames me when he starts chasing me around asking me what kind of evil little girl I was that I could make him want to do that. I use to think my mother was stupid. I mean everyone should know better than to do what she does. However she is not stupid she does it on purpose to mess with me. What’s strange to me is I still love my 85 year old mother but I don’t trust her at all. Hard to be the child of a narc. Were born to love our parents and it doesn’t feel right not to but there have been times when I didn’t. As I matured I decided that she may be a terrible mother but I don’t have to follow her example and be a terrible daughter. This has caused me to have to deal with more of her behavior but I carry no guilt what so ever in life because of my behavior toward her. I won’t have to feel bad later when she is gone. I hate feeling guilt eps. since she has used it to control me over the years. The emotional manipulation a narc uses really messes us up if we don’t see it for what it is. If the man calls I plan on hanging up. I have nothing to say to the pervert. How dare she!

  34. My NM actually said, “I wonder if I am one of those (Narcs.)? I wish I wouldn’t have brought up Narcissism to her. I am still recovering from her rage. I am like you..cutting way down on visits and no more phone conversations. Best thing ever for my peace of mind.

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