Category: Narcissistic Personality

“Paranoia is a pervasive fear that others will harm or even destroy us. The narcissist lives in an unfriendly and dangerous inner world..Inside, he is paranoid, tormented by anticipated attacks of perceived enemies.” (From:Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life)

All narcissists are paranoid on some level. They look over their shoulders, fortify their ramparts, create traps to assure their psychological safety. They are highly secretive about this. They don’t want anyone to know their secrets.

Narcissists have never developed Basic Trust–which is the human capacity to feel internally protected and secure within yourself and to learn how to develop meaningful relationships with others.

Narcissists throughout their lives have psychologically, emotionally and financially crushed countless people, especially those closest to them—their spouses, ex-spouses, siblings, children. There is a pervasive pattern of narcissistic abuse that involves the stealing of financial security by the narcissistic spouse. I have heard and read innumerable life stories of spouses who believed that they could obtain a fair divorce settlement only to discover that monetary assets had been hidden and then placed under the control of the narcissist. In a number of cases the injured spouse is not able to obtain legal representation because they have no funds. The narcissist hires a very savvy high powered attorney who prevails in the divorce court. Some of these malicious narcissists end up with custody of the children. They don’t give a damn about their children. This is a form of revenge for them and a way of maintaining their image of “good father.”

Despite their success professionally in the world, deep inside the narcissist is paranoid deep inside. From the beginning of his life he was unable to trust anyone. He/she grew up as a false self who danced to the tune of the parent who molded him rather than accept his child as genuine and precious as an individual. On an unconscious level he never developed trust and couldn’t feel safe or cherished for himself. This is tragic.

The tragedy continues with those who are victimized by the narcissist and their number is legion. Those are the individuals to whom I reach out. Learn to protect yourself from the pathological paranoid narcissist. Study the personality traits and recognize the red flags of the narcissistic personality. Trust your genuine self always to know the truth about the nature of these pathological individuals. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

You have heard the expression that blood is thicker than water–that our “kin” is closer to us than anyone else because we share the same DNA and family history. This is not the case, especially when we grow up in a family of narcissists. If you were raised in this type of pathological family constellation, you knew early that your mother, father, siblings, etc. were not on your side. You knew that you would be betrayed if you dared to share confidences with them. You could not depend on your narcissistic mother to nurture, protect or care about you. Your siblings were highly competitive against you. These young narcissists saw you as weak and inferior and treated you in kind. There are innumerable life stories of brutal childhoods that the victims of narcissistic family members endure.

Narcissistic relatives pull the rug out from under us as often as possible. They absolutely can’t be trusted. You may think you know them–even a mother or father or spouse but they have secret agendas. They make empty promises, drawing you in to believe in them. The time comes and they revoke what they have sworn they would do. They make excuses; they tell you there was a misunderstanding and you were wrong. They accuse you of fabrications. Narcissists live in total delusion of their own making They never deal with the truth.

To protect yourself, study the narcissistic personality in-depth. You will discover some family members in all the pages of your reading. Pay close attention to your intuition. It will always tell you the truth. Believe in your perceptions and know that your narcissistic relatives will never change. You cannot have genuine relationships with them. You will form other relationships that are meaningful. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

I know of a number of cases, especially during custody disputes when the narcissistic husband (or wife) turns sadistic and gains pleasure and narcissistic supplies by threatening to take your children away from you. In some instances he succeeds because he has the financial resources and the charm and persuasiveness to persuade mediators and judges that he is the better parent. This man or woman doesn’t give a damn about the welfare of his children. He is out for revenge because he gets pleasure from watching you suffer. That is the definition of a sadist. He is seen as the “good father”. He spreads lies about you and may even turn your family members against you.

Arm yourself with as much information as you can about the narcissistic personality. You cannot know enough. Make sure that you have a very savvy attorney who can go up against the narcissist. He will have hired a barracuda of a lawyer who is out for blood.

If you know early that your spouse is a narcissist you may want to end the marriage there before you have children. Being married is one thing—having children is another. Having children with a sadistic narcissist is putting the welfare of your children in jeopardy. If this has already happened, take heart and go into battle fully armed, knowing that you are going to win.Take good care of yourself as well.Form a close knit support group.You can do this. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

It is very difficult for anyone to change—most of all the narcissist. This is a fixed, written in ancient stone personality disorder. The narcissist has defense mechanisms–massive denial, repression and primitive projection that are like barriers of steel. They cannot be penetrated. Once in a while you might see a glimmer of light but that is rare and fleeting. They immediately return to their grand delusions. As they grow older narcisssistic traits become more deeply ingrained. After all they have played this role all of their lives and succeeded in controlling others. Why would they have any motivation to change now? Narcissists have intimidated everyone around all of their lives and gotten their way. They have succeeded in a sense. With the narcissistic style of this current society all of the kudos they receive is not surprising. It is daunting that so many people look up to and are fooled by these individuals.

Narcissists do exactly what they want. Some narcissistic men find that even into their six, seven or eight decades on earth that it is time to have a child with a woman who is many times younger than one of his older children. This boggles many minds but the narcissist pursues his goal. There is no concern that this baby who will be produced in the young womb of his new wife will know a father who is a very old man. That doesn’t matter to the narcissist. What is essential is the ultimate narcissistic supply of the moment: “Let’s have a baby!” This sounds like:”Let’s buy a new house or a fancy new car.” But to have another human being that arises from your seed is the ultimate narcissistic supply. I find this both irresponsible and nauseating. But not eye popping for a superannuated narcissistic man. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

When you meet a narcissist—especially a very smooth attractive one–you would never guess that he/she is decimating his family—spouses, children, siblings, in-laws, grandparents, etc. Narcissists go viral. Their venom spreads out to every family member. There are some individuals who even as small children know that there is something very wrong with their mother or father, that this person is toxic to them. They keep their emotional distance from this person whom they are asked to call mother or father. Some family members survive by becoming invisible. As soon as they are able they spend long periods of time away from their home. Or they find hiding places in their rooms or outside. They learn how to avoid their own parent. They emotionally detach themselves from the narcissistic parent. In some cases there is an aunt or grandparent from whom they can get some of the warmth and love that they need and deserve.

Other family members–spouses and children–go along with the pathological thinking and behaviors of the narcissistic parent. They will tell you how much they love the narcissistic parent who is crushing them. They have never made a psychological separation from this poisonous person. Even in middle age, they are still holding on to a non-parent who has taken their lives away. They will not become separate individuals. Some children in the family are chosen to be the special ones who represent the narcissist’s power, brilliance, talent, physical attractiveness and magnetism. Many consider them the lucky ones. They are treated like little gods but they are not real people. They are pariahs who are allowed to emotionally harm their siblings. They are raised to the heights by the parents and believe they are perfect and superior. They treat their siblings like dirt, lie about them, get them into serious trouble with the narcissistic parent, etc.

These dark narcissistic family patterns do not stop. Fortunately, there are individuals within these families who grow up to be genuine, solid, kind and productive human beings. Your best offensive is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality. Are you about to marry a narcissist? Find out now before you take that fateful step. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

By definition sabotage is a “treacherous action.” Treachery when perpetrated upon a family member means destruction and annihilation. It is beyond ruthlessness.

Growing up in a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of a deadly fire fight twenty four hours a day. The child who survives these skirmishes and all out wars is truly remarkable. I hear and read life stories of those who found survival techniques. Many of them hid in their own hoes, spent time with friends to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video games, drawing, writing, other creative activities. Some children were fortunate to have a grand parent who would give them times of respite.

Some children who have this experience are in a constant state of anxiety–fight or flight syndrome.The narcissist–mother or father or both rule the household. Screams and demands–slaps and threats can be heard and experienced frequently in these homes. The narcissist lives for himself (herself) alone. Narcissists don’t love their children. They use them to prop up their egos if they perceive that a particular child can add to their perfect image. In this case the child is indulged. The rest of the kids are cast aside and neglected or treated abysmally. Some of these children find ingenious ways to save their sense of self, to conceal their creative gifts but continue to use them and to keep the inner fire of a sense of self burning brightly. I have known individuals who have been able to accomplish this despite all of the narcissistic pathology of their mother or father or both parents.

Adult children continue to heal through skilled psychotherapy and many forms of bringing the body/mind back into balance: gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, full use of your creativity. You can heal. You will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

So many adult children of narcissistic mothers and/or fathers hold on to their suffering—not on purpose but unconsciously because that has been their reality all of their lives. From the time they could barely walk and talk they were psychologically bruised and bloodied by the narcissistic parent. Every day there was a new accusation, a criticism that cut through to the bone, a smirk that said: “You are worthless; I wish you had never been born.” “Why can’t you be like your brilliant older sister who gets all A’s.” “You have an uneven nose and thin lips. We’ll have to take you to a plastic surgeon later on so you don’t embarrass the family.”

“Sometimes you smell; it disgusts me.” And on and on—an endless road of insults that wound the heart and shake the nerves. Yet you have survived this gulag of abuse. That is a great accomplishment and you have done it with you humanity intact.

Know that you have a right to heal—-completely. You can disengage yourself from all of the cruel, malicious blows of your narcissistic parent. You don’t have to carry these burdens any longer. Begin by recognizing that although you share the DNA of your narcissistic parent, you are a separate individual. You are entitled to develop all of your talents and gifts fully. You are entitled to feel a deep inner peace and a love for yourself. You are entitled to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. You have a separate life that is precious. You are entitled to resurrect your humor, the sing when you feel happy, to embrace others, to be spontaneous, to live fully in this moment. Some children of narcissistic parents benefit from psychotherapy.Do the research and make sure that your therapist is highly trained, devoted to her/his clients and very empathic. Make sure you don’t sense a money motive and especially check it out to rule out a narcissistic psychotherapist. They are out there, victimizing vulnerable clients. There are many healing pathways. Find the ones that work for you–gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, creative endeavors that put you in touch with the unlimited use of your imagination. Some form of exercise is very valuable in keeping your body strong, your nerves quiet and your mind clear. Become aware of the precious moment: the tiny sound of the hummingbird over your head–greeting you, the wind wafting through your nostrils, the full smile of a happy baby, the warm hug of a friend, the moon at night darting in and out of the clouds. the lake of stars above like a diamond tiara—-endless moments of beauty. You can and will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The beginning of healing is recognizing that you are worthy and that you have unique value as an individual. This can be difficult for those who not only married narcissists but grew up with a narcissistic mother or father. From the beginning of life you were treated like an object or less. No one gave you the special attention you needed, even as a small child. Your basic physical needs may have been taken care of (or not) but there was no emotional contact or understanding with the narcissistic parent. This person was so preoccupied to himself/herself that you were invisible to them. In other cases you were the punching bag. The narcissistic parent was constantly enraged and you were conveniently there to receive the blows–the humiliations, criticisms, threats, intimidations. You can still remember the primal sounds of your narcissistic mother’s screams; the way she looked at you with pure hatred. You felt yourself grow cold. Your intestines roiled inside. You thought you were going to die on the spot. Some children become emotionally frozen and feel numb. They learn to go into this state to protect themselves. Some narcissists parents have special sadistic punishments–putting you in a locked closet most of the day. There you sat and cried, unable to breathe, not knowing when you would be released. You felt terror roar throughout your body and mind. Finally you whimpered yourself to sleep. Some narcissistic parents treat their children like servants. Small children must clean the house, wash the clothing and wait on the narcissistic mother or father. There is no mercy behind the walls of this house. Those on the outside never know that this malevolent treatment is taking place.

You can and will heal from your narcissistic mother, father, spouse, sibling. One of the most significant roles here is in putting your healing first–make it a priority. You have been living in the fight or flight mode most of your life. It is essential that you begin to have experiences within your self that feel safe and calm. Each person finds his own pathway to healing. We take from different disciplines and practices. One that helps many people is the use of the breath to calm the body/mind. This can work through the practice of gentle hatha yoga poses with emphasis on the breath moving in and out of the nostrils. When we do a pose we are gentle with ourselves. There is no need to strain or push. There is nothing to attain. Be present with yourself and pay attention to your breath. If you are unfamiliar with yoga it might be helpful to find a class with a teacher who is skilled but also highly empathic and calm. True yoga is uncompetitive. It is a practice that has developed over thousands of years and is very effective for many in achieving greater calmness within the body and mind. Another method of treatment is acupuncture. This is not for everyone. Some people are afraid of needles (although they are very thin). Finding the right practitioner is very important. This is someone who is highly skilled and experienced and whose ego is dropped. Besides this, you want to see an acupuncturist who does not have a money motive but a healing motive in treating patients. Acupuncture treatments lead the patient to experience the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is very calm and feels safe and protected. We rest in a deep security as we let go and ground with the experience.

Writing regularly for yourself alone is another form of healing from the narcissist. It frees up your mind and emotions. You are expressing feelings as you release them. There are no judgments to make as you write. It flows from you. Spending time with Nature is also very healing. We see the intricacies and beauty of the natural world and are amazed by them. Some people have small gardens and find that focusing in the present on their plants and flowers is part of their healing process. Meditation for some of those who are recovering can be a source of comfort, quieting the mind and focus. Do not be judgmental when you meditate. Meditation is not the absence of thought. It is the effort that matters the most, not the time you put in. One minute of meditation or prayer is invaluable. Some form of exercise releases body tensions and calms obsessive thinking. Choose what works for you. Find your own ways of healing. Trust yourself. You know so much about how to find you way back. The body/mind is always moving naturally toward healing. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

I recently observed a scene at a post office that I found to be both disturbing and revealing. At the front of the line, a mother was holding a carrier which contained a tiny infant. I am assuming that this was a mother and her new born child. The baby wailed during the entire time that the mother was there. The mother made no eye contact with the baby. She was preoccupied with obtaining passport papers. When the sounds from the carrier became more intense she picked up the handles and mechanically swinged the container back and forth in a careless fashion. The baby continued to wail with plaintive, raw cries that didn’t have the tone of hunger but one of desperation. The baby stopped for short periods of time, gathered its strength and resumed his pleas. At no time did the mother acknowledge the presence of the infant or make any effort to remove the baby from the carrier to comfort or minister to it. She was on a mission that would not be interrupted, even by her distressed newborn child.

I thought about this incident and how much it metaphorically reminds me of the suffering of children of narcissistic mothers.
The narcissistic mother cares only about herself and her life. Her child is a narcissistic supply, a kind of commodity from whom she receives narcissistic supplies (ego satisfactions) Although many of these mothers appear to take care for their children (feed, clothe them), genuine emotional attachment is non-existent.

A particular child can be chosen as a result of his/her physical attractiveness, intelligence, winning personality, athletic or artistic gifts, to be special as a perfect mirror of the perfection of the narcissistic mother. Another sibling is treated dismissively as it he didn’t exist. Some children of narcissistic mothers become the receptacle for her primitive, aggressive, hateful projections. They are constantly criticized and punished. Nothing that they do, say or accomplish is acknowledged, only ridiculed. The narcissistic mother has a “relationship” with her child “based on manipulation not love and respect.” “A narcissistic parent is incapable of empathy, the ability to understand or care about how someone else is feeling…A life dedicated exclusively to self cannot encompass a genuine love of one’s (child)”

Some children of narcissistic mothers follow a pattern of entering into dysfunctional, painful relationships with partners who have many of the personality characteristics of their mothers. Those who become aware of this destructive pattern and obtain professional help are able to grieve the loss of not having a mother who genuinely loved them as an individual. Through the hard work of the healing process, children of narcissistic mothers can learn to appreciate their individuality, their unique identities and gifts, the child deep inside of them and begin life anew. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:[email protected]

If an adult chooses to remain in a marriage to a narcissist, that is her prerogative. When you have a child with a narcissistic parent, you are the responsible party. I understand that in many instances the marital partner is unaware that she is married to a narcissist. The purpose of my blog is to inform readers about the true nature of narcissists so they can identify them and deal with them. I have spoken to clients who were unaware for years that they married a narcissistic personality and kept blaming themselves or trying to change this individual. Narcissistic personalities are most unlikely to change. They have no reason to since they believe that they are perfect and superior and that everyone else, including their immediate family, is flawed and inadequate. Some women decide that it is better and they tell themselves, easier, to stay with a narcissistic husband than to take the risk of leaving that can mean facing financial instability and the perils of re-starting their lives alone. When a woman has children with a narcissist, this is a game changer. One way or the other the narcissistic father will have a variation of negative psychological and emotional effects on his child. No amount of good mothering within a narcissistic family constellation will erase every bit of damage that the narcissistic father imposes on his child. For him, the child is an object, a narcissistic supply he can use to inflate his ego. If the child does not fit his qualifications because he or she is not bright enough, beautiful or handsome, talented, etc. , the narcissistic parent will neglect and ignore this child or worse, make him or her the target of his aggressive verbal attacks. If the father finds that his child can be become a vital source of ego gratification due to his winning personality, attractiveness, intellect, etc., he will cater to this child. In some instances the fusion of the child with the narcissistic father is strong enough to create a narcissistic son or daughter despite the mother’s influence.

If you know that your spouse is a narcissist and you continue to expose your children to his psychopathology, think carefully about your options. I have found that many clients decide that they can no longer risk the day to day exposure of their children to this level of pathological toxicity. Doing what is right for our children is never easy—but it is necessary. We gave birth to them and in that act and onward we are responsible for nurturing and protecting them on every level. The course ahead may be difficult. Keepng the welfare of your children in the front of your mind is a compelling motivator. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: [email protected]