Category: Narcissistic Personality

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Suffer Maternal Deprivation

Maternal deprivation is the absence of care, lack of affection, holding, looking into your child’s eyes giving the message: “I love you do much”,  listening intently to your daughter’s messages, verbal and nonverbal.  The narcissistic non mother removes all the joy from her daughter’s life. Narcissistic mothers live for themselves alone. Often they are envious of their daughter’s beauty, talents, intelligence, exuberant personality. They hate their child’s spontaneity and pick away with their nasty criticisms. Some daughters learn to conceal their true feelings. Others become emotionally numb. Some harbor a deep mother rage inside that they turn on themselves and becomes self loathing. 

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have difficult life struggles, learning to fully love their unique selves and celebrating it. 

To break the yoke attached to the narcissistic mothers they must recognize that they bear no fault.

They are separate from the cold ungiving selfish self absorbed woman who didn’t raise them. These daughters do the hard work of healing themselves and emerging as strong, loving, gifted women. Many benefit from psychotherapy, nurturing relationships with friends who understand them, spiritual practices that create calmness deep within them,creative pursuits that are healing and transformative, giving their care and affection to others who feel unloved and unwanted. 

Daughters of narcissistic mothers can and do come fully into the own true identities. They can prevail over the past and live fully in the present, expanding and growing all of their potential.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Deep Pain and Dilemmas Having Narcissistic Step Children

There are some common mantras that I hear often: “We have a great family” or the other  “We have great kids.” These are in your face comments that are thrown purposely to indicate that this person and his/her family et.al is impeccable. These people are insensitive to other families and individuals who are having a very difficult life with traumas and tragedies. If said thoughtlessly, it is an in your face: “What’s the matter with you?” remark that I find inappropriate. You can be very proud of your family and children put pay attention to your audience. When someone shares his personal pain with you, it is time for everyone to step up and be empathic and respectful. This person is not asking the listener to make comments about their perfect life.  It is not time for this person to chirp about How Wonderful They are and Everyone That Surrounds Them and Shares Their DNA. I find this disingenuous.How dare anyone have a very difficult marriage with a narcissistic scoundrel, a spouse that pilfers money out of malleable relatives, an in-law who causes psychological stress and horrid melodramatic scenes at every family gathering and disrupts every life he/she encounters. Many who live among us are  hypocrites—intolerant, delusional, pretentious, cruel and vapid.

One of the most difficult family constellations is the husband and wife who have a blended family with biological children on each side.(Any parent who has a narcissistic child has suffered tremendously and needs understanding, respect and comfort.)  At the center of the psychological pain is the narcissistic son or daughter of the husband or wife. This circumstance can tear the family apart and destroy the marriage.The father or mother of the narcissistic child is often in denial about his son or daughter’s true nature that is highly pathological. When the parent recognizes that his child is disrupting the family and their marriage it is time to make a decision about how much contact to have or not have with this child. Some narcissistic children set out to destroy the reputation of their parent’s spouse. These spouses have expressed their severe pain over the manipulations, frontal and covert attacks upon them. They have cleverly lied to family members, spread rumors, created scandals out of whole cloth and done whatever they can to destroy the marriage. That’s how deep their hatred goes. This is self hatred that the narcissist holds deep in his unconscious and is used to project on to and disrupt the lives of anyone of their way.

There is a time of reckoning that occurs. The wife or husband of the spouse who has the narcissistic child has come to the end of their tolerance. They have been verbally maligned too many times. In many cases when the marriage is strong the couple can speak truthfully about the narcissistic child. The parent of the narcissist comes to terms with the recognition that his child suffers from this personality disorder. I have seen this occur. It is difficult but necessary if there is to be any peace in the family or among the marital partners. In many cases there is a decision to have limited or no contact with the narcissistic child. I have great respect for these couples and parents. This is difficult work that requires truthfulness and compassion. In the end these individuals know they have made the right decision, one that allows them to move forward in their personal growth and the deepening of their relationship.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists Cause Psychological Devastation

There are many remarkable human beings in our current society today. They can be hard to find since much of the country is captivated by high level narcissists who are often in positions of power and worldly influence. Unwittingly, many of us make the assumption that if a person is well educated and highly successful they are a great human being. This is not true.

There are people who have built their deserving success in the outside world and are looked up to by their colleagues, friends and family members and at the same time are fine individuals with tremendous character traits: honesty, compassion, humility, fairness, integrity. These are the gems in our society but gradually they are more difficult to find.

We have many high profile narcissists who are skilled at manipulating others into believing that they are great human beings as well as successful at their work. Often these people are very confident, appear to be personable, very attractive, present an impeccable image, advanced social skills and the ability to hold others in their thrall.

High profile narcissists have large entourages of people who adore them without question. Their very presence in the case of major entertainers in movies, television, music, drama creates swarms of adoring fans. The more power and influence they command the greater their sense of self entitlement and no limits attitude. The narcissist is dizzy with his ultimate sense of self importance. He/she is the object of adoration. “What’s not to adore? they ask themselves; I deserve to be venerated!”.

It is within families of high profile narcissists in particular that so much psychological damage is done. In the privacy of their homes, behind closed doors that the children and spouses and ex-spouses of these Uber-Narcisssists suffer the greatest psychological damage. It is within these rooms and compounds the their victims are treated abominably. Children of narcissists are threatened, taunted, physically beaten, humiliated, constantly screamed at, vilified, told they are crazy. You name it, the narcissist has perpetrated severe levels of abuse upon those closest to him. They use cruel methods to turn one child against another, especially when the narcissist has one child who is chosen to be his perfect clone. His other kids are compared to this Golden Boy or Golden Girl and accused of not being good enough. Growing up this way, they develop a poor self image, feelings of guilt, deep inferiority and self humiliation. They blame themselves for not being “Perfect” like their narcissistic mother or father.

Those who have grown up with a narcissistic parent can heal. I have seen this happen through their courage, research and hard work to rediscover themselves, to grieve over the parent they never had, to re-awaken their unique gifts and to understand, feel and know that they are loving human beings. Some of the loveliest individuals I have known are children of narcissistic parents. You will heal and restore your life. You deserve it. The time to begin is now.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

I Will Lead My Life Not the Narcissist’s

We are separate individuals, unique and precious—Our genetic patterns, dispositions, crinkling of our noses, infectious humor, our special hugs, deep thought, creative excursions–and millions of other workings inside of us and outside will never be repeated again. Our time on the earth is given to us. We didn’t ask to be here. And sometimes we wonder why we are, especially when our lives become very tough and seem impossible. This can be the case if we are involved with a narcissistic personality in a marriage, divorce, the child of a narcissistic mother or father, or a narcissistic sibling.

Narcissists cannot have relationships. They are experts at using others, manipulating them, seducing them, exploiting them and in the end, discarding them. If you have been the object of narcissistic abuse, determine that you will put this behind you. You have researched this severe personality disorder. You know that this person cannot and will not change.  He is getting all of his needs met by diminishing the lives of those closest to him.

If you were raised in a family where you always felt less then it makes sense that you would not feel worthy or entitled. That is probably why many women and men are fooled by the charm and magnetism of the narcissist who promises you everything.  Once you know who this person is, start to initiate your own plan to free yourself. From a practical point of view this can be challenging, especially if you unwittingly let him/her have charge of the finances. Nevertheless, remember that you are in charge of yourself and your reactions to this person. No one can possess you, think you thoughts, feel your feelings or be you.

Vow to lead your life your way. Value who you are and find a few people who appreciate you and can be trusted. Work to get physically strong by routinely exercising. Exercise is a practice of strengthening and freedom. It requires some discipline but becomes an essential part of our lives. We are in charge of ourselves. Learning is power. Give yourself all of the tools you need to understand the narcissistic personality in-depth. I have written over 900 blog posts on this subject.

Gather hope inside from your knowledge. Take time each day, even a few minutes, to check in with yourself. Take a few deep breaths in and out through the nostrils and you will feel the relaxation start to flow. Learn to enjoy your own company. Activate the creative part of yourself in whatever form it takes. There is no judgmentalness here, only freedom and the excitement of discovery. You are growing, living, thriving within yourself. The original self is getting stronger each day. Look inside and smile.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

 

Focus on Your Self Renewal during the New Year

This is going to be your year for clearing out all remnants of narcissistic abuse from your life. Yes, you can do this. Narcissists eventually eclipse our lives in the most malicious ways. They take away our feelings of hope, creativity, spontaneity, sense of beauty, psychological strength and a grounded sense of self.

Make a determination that you know who the narcissist in your life is an was—a mother, father, sibling, current spouse, ex-spouse. This highly pathological person is never going to change so give up on that concept. You cannot get around these people. They are always overstepping our boundaries and insinuating themselves upon us. They are dictators who rule by intimidation and use a series of carrots and sticks to keep us in place. They know our emotional vulnerabilities, especially our fear of abandonment and lack of assertiveness to stand up for ourselves against their bullheadedness.

Don’t share your plan with the narcissist. Keep it quietly and safely protected in your own thoughts. There it will grow as you become stronger. Becoming physically stronger and healthier in whatever ways you can is very important. Eat the right foods and exercise in a way that makes sense for you. Take time to be by yourself whether that is reading a book, watching a special delightful video, going to a movie, writing a few sentences each day unedited. Feel yourself being transported by music as you enter a  world of  beauty that quiets the nervous system. If you like yoga do a few gentle poses each day to remain limber and strong. Doing poses breathing through the nose, you learn how to focus your attention in a quiet but powerful way. You also become familiar with living in your body and appreciating its design.

Conversations with friends either in person or on the phone can be very entertaining and informative. Texting is also a great source of playful distraction and respite.

Focus on studying what you love—regardless of the subject. I recently watched a lecture by the great physicist Richard Feynman and was blown away by his enthusiasm and love for learning. His joy was absolutely intoxicating. He had no limits to what he was seeking and wanting to learn. He is truly inspiring. After his death he lives on in the brightness of his eyes, his grin, his joy at being alive and his indomitable spirit and unlimited intellectual curiosity. Get in touch with these facets of yourself and appreciate what is inside of you–an endless source of creativity, fascination with learning and a thirst for experiencing beauty in every form. Pay attention to what speaks to you alone. You will get an answer from your intuition.

Be patient with yourself. After so many years with the narcissist(s) be kind and don’t make self judgments. Give yourself time and space. Self renewal takes place at your pace. If you find yourself slipping, know that you will come back and continue along your new pathway.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Healing from the Narcissist–Restarting Your Life

When you arrive at the truth about the narcissist who has taken so much from you—psychologically and emotionally–whether it is a mother, father, sibling or an entire family, you have come to a fork in the road of your life. The next steps follow the path of self healing. First, you are entitled to be whole and healthy and to live peacefully inside of yourself. You leave the constant fear, apprehension and dread behind and wonder to yourself: “What is is the next step?”  As you tune into your intuition the steps toward your new life will unfold. You realize that for years and decades you have wanted to pursue a creative path. This take innumerable forms: writing, sketching, journaling, gardening, photography, singing, journeys into Nature, dancing, yoga, tai chi, meditation in a form that appeals to you, walk, strolling. Everything is open to you now. It is helpful to write down what you love best. Don’t worry about the order of things—just write and let your imagine go skipping along.  Be as open as you can without editing.

Get into the habit of devoting some time each day in quiet and solitude, even for five minutes. This is your time. Practice self care for the first time since you have left the narcissist behind. Appreciate the beauty of moments–watching the sky, laughing with a baby, smiling at a stranger, savoring a delicious bite of your favorite food, bringing color into your life, dressing to please yourself, allowing yourself to rest when you are tired, slowing down your pace so that you are more aware of living each moment, laughing freely and openly, developing rituals which you enjoy. Slowly these actions will become habits and form the new fabric of your life. As you go along you will bring people into your life whom you can trust and with whom you can communicate. You decide who you want to be in your life. If it is not comfortable and easy, don’t let that person in. You have already seen that picture show. Stop pleasing everyone if that has been your old mantra. Learn to appreciate your own company in a way that is appealing to you. Your restart has begun and you are moving forward with greater confidence in yourself, a sense of your creative gifts and an renewed openness to the dynamic flow of life.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Protect Your Psychological and Physical Health from Narcissistic Mother

From the time we are born narcissistic mothers pick away at us bit by bit. Some take the direct primitive route and slap us across the face and hit us whenever they feel the mood strike them. Others are more subtle and insidious, making small digs about our weaknesses and imperfections. This is especially painful if there is a golden boy or golden girl sibling in the household who is adored for simply existing.

The drip, drip drip of criticisms, humiliations and embarrassments is overwhelming. A young child subjected to this kind of abuse by a narcissistic mother has too much to bear. This child is filled with fear and apprehension–always in a state of suspended fright. “What is going to happen to me next?” “When is mother going to start screaming at me again and saying I am stupid and worthless?” “Will she shove and hit me again?”  These questions thunder through the child’s nervous system and set up a pattern of fight or flight and resonates throughout the entire body. There is nowhere inside or outside to feel safe. Sometimes the other parent can be a source of comfort but often the narcissistic mother marries a man who thinks little of himself and whom she can completely control. Some siblings get very close and make an effort to protect themselves against mother’s constant rages.

Those who have grown up in these highly chaotic and stressful family’s often suffer from a variety of psychological and physical symptoms: headaches, stomach aches, free floating anxiety, anxiety attacks, emotional numbing, various depressive states, etc.

Recognizing that you mother is a narcissist and that  she has the psychopathology—not you– is the beginning of severing a relationship with someone who has made your life miserable and frightening. She has worn you down and eclipsed your opportunities to grown as an individual with many unique gifts and to experience feelings of calmness, protection and emotional security.

As a child you were her prisoner. As an adult you now can make the decision to be free of her  now. Don’t wait for her to change. That is never going to happen. When you leave this psychological gulag you will discover that your physical, mental and emotional energy increases and your creativity flourishes. The real self is always moving toward healing. We have to learn to be receptive to this process throughout our lives as we become whole and eventually feel our spontaneity grow, our humor blossom and our loving heart grow in warmth and compassion.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Don’t Let Narcissist Get His Selfish Way

Narcissists are bullies that come in different styles. Some are socially sophisticated and make you feel torn inside out. Others are openly menacing and show their canine teeth. Concealed narcissists sabotage you with passive aggressive ploys, pretending they are humble and good.One way or another a narcissist will take advantage of you, even when he tells you he adores you and you are the most important person in his/her life.  Narcissists convince most people that they are telling the truth. Narcissists are chronic liars. The words rolling off of their tongues are designed to deceive you so they can get their way. They have no sense of limits, nor do they  have a conscience. Narcissists wear many masks and have multiple lives–many of them secret. Their moral compass is based on how much narcissistic supply they can get for themselves–image, money, power, social and business contacts, etc.

Narcissists go beyond the limit with people, causing tremendous emotional and psychological stress. This is particularly the case when it involves their spouses and children. Narcissists don’t care whether they hurt your feelings, demean you, humiliate you, make you feel sick or even put you in the hospital. With a narcissist you can never count on them to have empathy—ever. They effect a pseudo empathy which can be convincing. Once they get what they want they are back to their old ways of exploitation, duplicity and manipulation.

Many narcissists are like volcanoes–always in a state of endless blowing off rage. They are not like Old Faithful where you can time when the great steams will rise in the air. They are unpredictable which sets your nervous system on constant edge. Living with a narcissist you are always in the sympathetic nervous system —the fight or flight system of survival. Being the recipient of this kind of treatment puts you on constant edge, always waiting for the next vituperative eruption.

You can’t change the narcissist but you can change yourself. Recognize that you are a separate valuable human being. Develop practices that lead to calming your nervous system–gentle yoga, a form of meditation that works for you, listening to music, going to tai chi classes, doing cardiovascular exercises that lower stress and get your endorphins working and that strengthen your immune system. Develop a support system of people whom you can trust. They don’t have to understand the narcissist in your life but if they are truly empathetic they will help as they listen and care deeply about you. Do what you love–photography, sketching, writing each day with freedom and lack of judgment, spending time in Nature, gardening, cooking–whatever appeals to you and introduces beauty into your life.

If you are married to a narcissist it is possible that you will make the decision to divorce this person. Often it is impossible to live with this kind of psychopathology. If the narcissist is a mother, it may be necessary to sever the relationship and go no contact. This is your decision. Remember, now is the time to finally think about your own needs. You have never done this in your life before. Take very good care of yourself. You are entitled.

Get Out of Narcissistic Spouse’s Clutches

Some narcissists remind me of carnivorous creatures who are called ambush predators. They ingeniously use camouflage to blend into their environment. The stone fish lies on the ocean floor and takes on the look of a rock. Fish swim too close by him and are bitten and inflicted with deadly toxins.

The narcissist is filled with psychological toxins that are dangerous to everyone, especially those who are vulnerable to his charm, grandiose promises, fulfillment of old dreams of being adored and taken care of. It is difficult for many of us to acknowledge that we have been waiting to be rescued. As children many individuals are neglected, discarded, made scapegoats, and severely abused. It is not unusual when we look at these life histories to understand how someone can so easily become enraptured by a narcissistic personality and become trapped by leading his/her life not their own. The narcissist takes you as a possession. Everything belongs to him. He/she decides the trajectory of your life. I have seen very capable and accomplished women drop their creativity, talents and drive to seek and find a man who will take care of them in every way. They are willing to eclipse their lives because of these early deep psychological needs.

As time moves forward the spouse of the narcissist either deludes herself that she is very happy to be waited on and taken care of and have whatever she wants or she begins to recognize that she is trapped with a very demanding, overwhelming, enraged man who views her as his possession.

Those who wake up and realize that they are imprisoned and that their lives are eclipsed, have strong misgivings about their marriages to narcissists. The fairy tale has faded. It has become tawdry, painful –” full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” (Shakespeare, Macbeth) Recognizing that this person is controlling your life has hit you in the face. You know that you must get out of his/her clutches.

You deserve to lead a life that is free, creative, loving and unencumbered by the cruel delusions of narcissists. Find the help that you need. Some individuals free themselves in various ways: highly skilled psychotherapy, gentle yoga, regular exercise that works for you, times of solitude, finding your own creative pathway, meeting people whom you can trust and who are genuine and have empathy.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: [email protected]
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

Rage and Restlessness–The Narcissist’s Constant Companions

A narcissist is always boiling with rage at some level. One incident real or invented takes him over the top and the malevolent projections begin. They are directed mainly at his spouses and children. These unconscious projections cause their recipients great emotional pain. Volley after volley comes out of their mouths. They are unstoppable. Fulminating is one of the narcissist’s frequent activities. Being the child of a narcissist unsettles every nerve in your body. You are living in a war zone. Bombardments of volcanic rage are coming at you. Living under these circumstances as a small child is bewildering and traumatizing. If there is another parent who can shield you from these torrents of rage that is very fortunate. Many children are able to go to the other parent for comfort. However, if the other parent is terrified of the narcissist then the child has to find ways to deal with the onslaught. Some numb themselves emotionally and learn to freeze themselves and feel nothing. Others hide and make themselves invisible.

Along with the chronic rage is the narcissist’s restlessness. The minds of these individuals are never still. They jump from one activity to the next, conjuring their plots and plans to make sure that they remain superior to everyone else. When they are not scheming, they are running about traveling, buying, spending time making themselves look even more perfect going to spas for the latest youth enhancements.

When you are talking with a narcissist you can detect that while there eyes may be on you, they are thinking about a million other things. They are not present. They will focus if you are their newest source of narcissistic supply–money, adulation, praise,  social status. Then their attention works like a laser; they can’t take their eyes or attention off of you. You are the Great Rainmaker.  If you do not have these credentials, they wave you off and flee from your presence like a genie.

Pay attention to the level of rage and the swirl of restlessness on those you suspect are narcissists. They will have other traits like grandiosity, extreme self entitlement and lack of empathy. Then you will know that no matter what irresistible gifts they are laying at your feet, you’ve got their number and will say “No” to them.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]