narcississtic personality - The Narcissist In Your Life

Aggressive Overt High Level Narcissists – Psychologically Dangerous to Their Spouses and Children

Are you or have you been at the mercy of an individual who constantly screams, demeans, humiliates, brags and shames you. Likely, you are dealing with an aggressive overt high level narcissist. They can be described as an obsessive maelstrom of activity. Maelstrom refers to violent turmoil. The literal meaning is “a powerful whirlpool in the sea or a river.”

These cruel, highly charged individuals are self obsessed, without conscience; predatory without psychological boundaries— corrosive characters who do not change. Their entire focus is on Winning no matter the consequences to others—spouses, ex-spouses, partners, children.

Each day you are existing in the fight or flight, sympathetic nervous system—your adrenaline rushes through, your cortisol runs high, especially when you are trying to sleep. Night time with one of these predatory personalities can means the worst. You feel so vulnerable in the darkness; you wait to see if this horrid person will purposely confront you, scream, accuse, make menace with you. You lie there, keeping one eye open, waiting for the next sound, movement, sensation. For many of you this is a reprise of the childhood trauma that has haunted you for decades. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, you never felt safe; you couldn’t let down. There was neither privacy nor calmness; no possibility of solitude or a quieting of your nervous system to parasympathetic mode.

There is a long debate about whether aggression of temperament is inborn or learned, nature or nurture. A recent study by the University of Montreal indicates that some individuals are born more aggressive than others. This research indicates that “aggression isn’t only learned, but inborn; and one’s environment can worsen or improve this behavior as one ages.”

The following list of predatory behaviors on the part of the aggressive high level narcissist offer you a perspective and an appreciation of what you are experiencing:

Lack of respect for the needs of others

Grandiosity and extreme self entitlement

Winning for self at the expense of others

Humiliating you as a tool of control and submission

Infantile, regressive two year old temper tantrum behavior

Everything revolves around the high level narcissists: their needs and demands

After years of research and insights and the accumulation of excessive psychological and physical stress you make the decision to leave the high level narcissist and take back, renew, restore, transform your true authentic creative self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., LMFT

High Level Narcissists – Dripping with Self Adulation

There is a distinct vibration, a psychological secent you detect in the high level narcissist. Charming, often spell biending, these individuals reveal themselves fully when we are open to our intuitive insights about them. This is very important in that many people are fooled by high level narcissists at the top of their game. For the high level each person is a puzzle piece that he/she selects to enhance his sense of perfection, extreme self entitlement, power and control.

The high level truly believes that he has great value, talent, brilliance than any one else. Very aggressive, the high level is willing to disrupt and desimate those who stand in his way, taking a no prisoners attitude. He is disgusted with those whom he describes as weak and incompetent, introverted types that respond with feelings and empathy.

These outrageous, infamous types are conquerors. Many are obsessed with money and possessions, always topping themselves. Highly aggressive, he maneuvers himself/herself up the financial and social ladders, stepping over and pushing others off his path, a royal road to material largesse and social power.

There is a time for you of deep insight when you recognize that you can no longer stay in this toxic, non-relationship. You move forward now, knowing that you can recoonstitute and yourself fully—psychologically, physically, spiritually, creatively.

Practice daily self care: rest, sleep, hydration, pure nourishing food, beautiful music, movement/exercise and Nature—that restores mind/body/insight/beauty/creativity.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D., L.M.F.T.

High Level Narcissist – Creating A False Identity

High Level Narcissist – Creating A false Heroic Identity

High level narcissists compose a fictional identity that is portrayed as authentic, so real and believable. These are great dramatic actors. Often they are overt narcissistic golden boys. As toddlers they were impossibly spoiled and demanding as they are now with an incandescent charm that is captivating.

The narcissist creates a narrative of humble beginnings and reduced circumstances. High level narcissists love to talk about how poor and deprived they were. They embroider their stories with gross exaggeration and straight out lies. The high level narcissist emphasizes his familial hardships and abusive family dynamics and financial disadvantages. He leaves his listeners wondering how he climbed this summit of academic success with no one to come to his assistance. This is not the true story. A most unfortunate aspect to this fake hero’s story is in the exposure of his own family as a careless band of rapacious individuals who are coarse, rapacious with bad reputations.

In comparison the heroic narcissist’s personal tale is one of extraordinary fine character who rose from the most difficult, social and economic circumstances to intellectual and professional prominence. The high level is the hero of his story, the extraordinary individual who rose to the top despite the toughest obstacles.

This phony lying predatory narcissist is a nasty piece of work who has exploiting his family history.

Ruthless and greedy, he climbs to the top, pushing everyone aside who would get in his way. These phony Knights are psychologically dangerous to those who get swept up in their false lie filled personal narratives. These individuals don’t deserve your attention or presence let alone your relationship. Now is the time to separate out from them. You are moving forward along your own unique pathways of transformation, healing, restoration and creativity.

High Level Narcissists – Masters of Varieties of Lies

“A lie is a handy tool the narcissist uses to enhance and protect the image he has so painstakingly built. Lies are automatic. They flow from him as effortlessly as sweat coming through pores… He (the narcissist) knows he can lie and get away with it…The narcissist insists that the way must be clear for him to move ahead…He looks you right in the eye and lies without hesitation…He is glib with his lies, he shades the truth or tells an outright lie.”

You cannot have a real relationship with someone who lies to you. Those who are partnered with or married to a high level narcissist are constantly being lied to by their spouse or partner.

High level narcissists are masters of deceit and take pride in their lies. They have developed this activity to a high art.

Compartmentalization -The high level narcissist is highly secretive. He cannot be authentic, real or true. One of his devices is compartmentalization. He often leads a secret life It is not unusual for these individuals to have several “close” relationships going forward simultaneously. Being married doesn’t interfere with the high level narcissist’s straying to other partners. These individuals don’t have a well developed conscience and are known to give in to their libidinal proclivities. They rationalize about these behaviors and always can give themselves perfect excuses for their immoral behaviors. For the high level narcissists the people around him are all part of his/her role as an exalted, highly entitled individual. The high level is the puppeteer who creates roles for those who share his world. The narcissist feels no guilt for these betrayals of trust. Lacking a moral compass, this kind of behavior is very easy for these individuals.

Re-writing history – High level narcissists are constantly revising their personal and work histories, resumes, family histories, academic and professional bona fides.

Double Downing on their Lies – High levels are completely shameless. They look deep you’re your eyes and lie directly to you. Narcissists develop the dark art of lying very early. Just think about it. If we didn’t have a conscience wouldn’t it be smoother and easier to tell clever untruths that increased your personal power and control and enlarged your gilded image.

Lies of omission – High level narcissists are outrageously cunning at their lies of omission. They leave out whole swaths of forbidden behaviors that they know will exasperate their partners, spouses, ex-spouses, children, business associates. It’s almost as if they can’t help themselves. They are driven by ego and their ever-present goals of reaching the highest summits of power, control and the fruits of their excessive greed.

The high level narcissist does not change since this is a fixed personality disorder. For the narcissist the upside for him or her is utilizing their “talents” for mendacity to their advantage. Reaching the highest rungs of the ladder is what matters most to them.

You are different from the high level narcissist. You have a finely developed conscience; you don’t lie; you don’t deceive people. Your relationships are genuine and not used to control and overpower others. You are capable of deep empathy and are capable of putting yourself in the place of another with regard to their feelings, thoughts, intentions and the problems and issues that challenge them.

Here’s to you, an individual of integrity, perseverance, spiritual vitality, traveling your unique pathways of transformation, evolution and creativity.

Marriage to A High Level Narcissist Re-Activates Childhood Toxic Shame

Growing up in a highly pathological family you experienced a deep shaming of the self since you were a very small child. You remember the feeling, so intolerable that came over you when your narcissistic mother stared you down, pinched your tiny arm, screamed in her high pitched nasty voice that you were “worthless, despicable, a mistake of nature.” These moments are etched in every bodily system and each corner of your psyche. This shame has defined much of your identity as a person who has always felt like a fraud.

You wanted to hide and never return to this house. You made plans in your mind countless times. You conjured countless intricate plots: how you would leave, what time, how to go out unnoticed, what excuses to make that were believable. Even very little children are thinking of their escape plans only to realize that they are just to small to do this on their own. I remember one person who shared a memory at age three of looking down her street from a window, then following the plan in her mind only to realize that she was trapped and could not escape and was physically too little to manage her own rescue. With tears in her eyes she brought up this poignant memory.

Psychoanalyst Alice Miller identifies these children as Prisoners of Childhood. In a sense we are all captives of our parents. When we are very young we are vulnerable and at the mercy of our mother and father: their temperaments and dispositions, psychological and emotional stability, hidden and overt psychopathology. Children who grow up in these homes often feel deep shame about themselves.

Adult children of narcissists carry toxic shame into their marriages and partner ships especially if they are partnered with high level narcissistic personalities. High level narcissists are shameless and without conscience. Don’t be fooled by their charming personas, their dynamism, magnetic qualities.

It doesn’t take long to recognize that you are married to a chameleon who can switch to any persona he or she chooses. It doesn’t take long for the narcissist to show his shadow side, that part of him or her that is single mindedly determined to control and manipulate you at every turn.

When you don’t comply and show independent of thought and action you are criticized, humiliated and shamed. Narcissists are not insightful but they are cunning and can “read” your vulnerabilities. They instinctively know that one of your weaker points is your residue of shame that you carry. The high level uses this ruse to re-activate the feelings of insecurity and shame that you felt as a child. They gain power over you as did your parents by pressing these tender psychological buttons that cause you to weaken and capitulate to those negative feelings about yourself.

After a number of years you finally recognize that you can no longer continue along this pathway. You spend time doing research about the true nature of the high level narcissist, a personality disorder that is not inclined to change. You begin to appreciate who you are as an authentic true self that is entitled to pursue your independence, unique creative gifts, a sense of inner peace, the fulness of your individuality. You learn to take very good care of yourself and to establish relationships of respect, trust, an exchange of ideas and personal transformation. Accessing the parasympathetic nervous system through many avenues: basic yoga poses, diaphragmatic breathing, listening to beautiful music, getting the sleep and rest that you deserve, being with Nature, the great healer, nourishing food, good hydration, exercise that strengthens and gives you a sense of vitality and well being, building a spiritual practice the way that you define it.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Shameless High Level Narcissists Double Down on their Deceits and Manipulations

High level narcissists commit cruel deeds of deceit and exploitation throughout their self absorbed, venal, conniving, exploitive lives. Filled with an extreme sense of entitlement they believe that they are better, smarter, more talented, clever, creative than anyone else.

High level narcissists are condemned to a fate of never knowing the truth, incapable of compassion and love, the gift of empathy, an authentic understanding of their real self. They remain fake, hollow, barren, empty, false, lost, disengaged, bleak inside. Are they suffering you ask? Not necessarily since they are “protected” by the defense mechanisms of denial, repression and projection. Is it fair to you that you suffer and they don’t. Of course not. Do these high level narcissists change. NO! Can your love for them cause them to change? NO! This perrsonality is very rigid and their titanium defense mechanisms work for them. Do they fool a lot of people—YES, most of the time.

Does the high level narcissist get away with multiple cruelties, transgressions and betrayals? YES!

We live in an age of hyper-narcissism where the sins and transgressions are acceptable, overlooked by the many, known clearly by the few who seek the truth about the high level’s their innate nature.

As a spouse or partner or child of a high level narcissist, you have been psychologically and emotionally abused. You didn’t deserve to be treated with such disdain, deception, exploitation.

You have observed, researched, analyzed this narcissist for many years and watched while he or she deceived and discarded you countless times.

Now you are clear about this person to whom you have given a pass too many times. Your awakening is here, the moment of clearest insight holds steady, your body/mind is grounded this time to make the decision to quit this non relationship and to redirect your energies, talents, inspirations, warmth, empathy to yourself where it belongs.

Now you have respite, calm, solitude that you deserve. This is where you belong. The beauties of Nature await your presence and participation, Remember self care each day: rest, sleep, hydration, nutrition, movement and exercise your way, music’s magic.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists – Masters at Re-Inventing Themselves

Creating and revising their biographies out of whole cloth is a special gift mastered by the high level narcissist.

The high level conjures up stories about himself and his origins. They paint an illuminated heroic picture of their beginnings including their ancestors. According to their stories they come through biological lines of extraordinary individuals: great thinkers, scientists, leaders, –everything about their family tree is special and unprecedented. As he or she tells the elaborate tales they are very believable. There are stories of heroic deeds, fortunes made, great leaders and entrepreneurs, everything about this background is unparalleled. The high level has told this story so many times in different ways that it is automatic now with no need for memorization. Of course this is not the real history but this doesn’t matter to the narcissist. It is the glowing, grandiose narrative that enthralls others that matters not the simple truth. The narcissist believes his own fictional tale.

Along the way the high level creates and conjures special roles for his partner and spouse, making sure that this person fits perfectly with the impeccable image that he is constantly projecting.

These fictions become true biographical narratives are activated by the high level narcissist’s false self identity. Rather than growing up identifying as a true authentic self, the high level narcissist, especially if he is a golden child, from the beginning is treated with the greatest deference, like a little prince or princess, superior to his siblings. He is the golden one without flaw or imperfection. As a result of being placed in this role there are no limits put on him or her. The golden one doesn’t have a sense of limits or psychological boundaries and lacks empathy to other family members and others with whom he associates. Yes, he is often very charming and convincing and gifted socially but this is a purposeful performance all part of his influence and power over others. No true conscience develops in these individuals. They are smart enough not to get caught but they lack empathy and are completely self focused calloused and obsessed with their reaching the heights of power and control. If the must manipulate others to achieve this, that works for them. They place themselves, their self importance and sense of perfection at the top and look down on those who have not achieved their mastery of deception, manipulation and exploitation. They are always reaching for the next summit and as they rise and move up, deserting others whom they have used to maneuver to the top. These are ace competitors who will do anything to win!!!

Those who are partnered with or married to these ultimate exploiters has caused you incalculable psychological, emotional and financial harm over many years. Your mind is very discerning and you have done extensive research on the narcissistic personality and know that it is not possible to have genuine relationship with a narcissistic personality.

The wise intuitive voice inside of you makes it clear that the narcissistic personality is not inclined to change despite all of your efforts and your loyalty.

After a complex and long process you are awakened and know that you are entitled to expressing yourself freely, to experience solitude and inner peace, deserving respect and empathy and the use of your many creative gifts.

You are moving forward along the pathways of psychological transformation and the fulfillment of your unique individuality.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Marriage to High Level Narcissist – From Dream Come True to Nightmare Scenario

You were chosen by the high level narcissist because you fit his/her specifications as the perfect partner. You are bright, socially savvy, quite attractive, magnetic, empathic. You shimmer inside and out. You make people feel comfortable; they trust you. If the high level had used a formula for the right partner—you came up as a royal flush.

You filled in all of the high level narcissist’s deficits; you humanize these cold, calculating, controlling, false self individuals.

The early years were inspired by a kind of beautiful scent, a magic elixir. You found the high level enchanting and compelling. Bright, very attractive, in command of himself and others, you said Yes to this irresistible promise of having your dreams and wishes fulfilled. This is the script of the high level narcissist who despite not having a scintilla of empathy is “gifted” at pulling us into his world without limits.

When you look back now you remember the clues, the signs, the giveaways that were telling you that this person was disingenuous, a gifted liar, a double dealer, an unrepentant manipulator and exploiter. You found out that you were disposable and interchangeable. He is without loyalty or mercy. It’s all about him/her. That’s the immutable truth.

Now after many years of psychological and emotional abuse, too many ugly wrenching scenes, abandonment, you are coming to a point of decision.

Each day you feel a bit more tired, dragging yourself around, forcing yourself by will and guilt to perform in your work and personal life.

Your body is lethargic and heavy feeling; your energy is sapped, your thoughts are gloomy even morose, an endless loop. At night you dread the sleep that will not come. And when it does you are subject to horrific nightmares – being chased down dark filthy streets, trapped in an accelerating elevator, feeling the hot breath of a menacing animal staring you down. These nightmares have started to repeat themselves. You are getting messages from your wise unconscious which is speaking the truth when you are sleeping and don’t have access to your defense mechanisms of denial, repression and rationalization.

You are being contacted by your deepest self, making every effort to get your attention through powerful dreams images. These dreams are so real that when you awaken you believe for a while that you have been awake and that these chimeras of the night are true. In a clear sense they are. Dreams are messengers from the unconscious, the fountain of wisdom.

This is a time of awakening, a time for you to practice self regard and the care of your psychological, emotional, physical and spiritual health.

You make this a priority. Get the rest and sleep that you need. If you have problems sleeping, rest. Be unjudgmental about any difficulty sleeping. Resting is a powerful way to relaxation, calmness, acceptance and love of self. Good nutrition organic food if you can, quality hydration, movement and exercise that works for you: stretching, basic yoga poses, walking, dancing, spending time with Nature, expanding your creativity in every form it takes for you. A spiritual practice, meditation and prayer the way you define this. Be unjudgmental and kind with yourself.

You feel the power and energy of your authentic original self as you move forward along your unique pathways.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

You have been a primary resource of ego supply to the high level narcissist: adulation, praise, loyalty, creative collaboration.

Beneath the extreme confidence, self entitlement and charm, the high level narcissist is an individual who is constantly in need of keeping his ego fully inflated. High level narcissists create a golden circle of followers and admirers who provide them with constant re-circulating adoration, obedience, monetary rewards that raise them up on the power food chain.

High level narcissists choose partners and spouses who increase the attraction and fascination that others have toward them. A socially skilled charming sophisticated partners is an invaluable part of the high level’s appeal and cachet. High levels choose spouses who burnish their image, are gifted socially and add to the perfection of the high level’s impeccable image.

For the high level narcissist you are an object who fulfills his/her needs, wants and expectations. Your perfect performance is expected.

The high level is cunning and has a gift for knowing your psychological vulnerabilities and deep wishes.

He/she uses these skills for purposes of control and manipulation. High levels offer a series of carrots and sticks to mold and manipulate their partners. If you sufficiently please the narcissist you are rewarded; if you move independently you are rebuked, treated with disdain—thrown out of paradise. Many married to high levels tend to be people pleasers which started in their family of origin.

For some partners to high level narcissists it is the exciting and easy lifestyle that is so appealing. You feel special when you can go through your days and have everything taken care of, it is so smooth, exciting, expansive. You feel like you can have anything you want because you are connected with the magic of the narcissist. This is your delusion and denial of his/her true nature.

Behind closed doors the story turns ugly. You become the object of the narcissist’s vile projections, criticisms, humiliations. It is stressful and exhausting to be treated in this manner for so many years, even decades.

You have spent time researching the narcissistic personality, thought carefully about the stress you are under and know intuitively that this narcissist is not going to change.

You have many insights and decide to move forward along your own pathway—that you deserve to pursue your unique creative gifts, to go through your days with a sense of inner peace, appreciating and acting upon your individuality. As you practice self care each day you learn to access the calming restorative part of the nervous system, the parasympathetic. Physical, psychological and creative energies are renewed. You have come back to your original true self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Leaving Your Narcissistic Parent Behind – Five Steps

Growing up as the child of a narcissistic parent is one of the most difficult and complex life histories a child can experience. The psychopathology of the narcissist is deep and daunting. As a baby and young child you were subjected to the full force of the narcissistic personality. Quoting from my book: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist offers a clear picture of this fixed, personality: Narcissistic personality disorders are characterized by extreme self-absorption, lack of empathy, ruthlessness, incapacity for emotional intimacy, volcanic rage, chronic lying, deceit and exploitation… The narcissist lacks a conscience; his sense of right and wrong is determined by how clever he is at not being exposed or punished for his unethical, immoral and illegal behavior.

The narcissist believes he/she is superior to others. He has an overriding sense of self-entitlement…For the narcissist, everyone is disposable; one person is interchangeable with another. .He has neither a memory nor one scintilla of concern about the victims of his psychological crimes…Beneath the elaborate mask of a grandiose false self, the narcissist unconsciously experiences a deep, intractable psychological emptiness.

Your restoration and healing begins with your deep research and study of the true nature of the narcissistic parent. Your understanding of the narcissistic personality provides you with psychological and emotional distance from this non parent.

You are taking the initiative to separate yourself from the narcissistic mother or father who was incapable of attachment, love, caring, warmth, empathy, protection or guidance. This is a foundational step for moving forward as a psychologically grounded individual.

Children of narcissistic parents grow up with blocked emotions. Their feelings were stifled because it was psychologically dangerous to express themselves. When we squelch ourselves we cannot be spontaneous. We are constantly putting the brakes on our self expression. Growing up as the child of a narcissist we are required to tow the line, to model our reactions to the tune and timing of this distorted, demanding, derisive personality. Being in one of these homes is like what psychoanalyst Alice Miller call a kind of prison. In her first book she named these children Prisoners of Childhood.

Now that you are in the process of awakening to yourself allow feelings to come through. When you feel laughter bubbling up let it blossom ; when tears form and fall from your eyes, let them flow. Spontaneous writing is a creative way of releasing feelings that are often hidden from the rational. Take a pen and pad or notebook and let yourself write whatever comes up without editing or judgment. This is an incredible tool of discovery and creative. Long hidden feelings, memories and thoughts come to consciousness and are expressed by you on the page. This is a part of the real you that has been hidden for a long time that is now being expressed in the most unique beautiful way.

3. Recognizing that the deprivations and psychological abuse projected on to you was not your fault. You were the innocent child the victim of the narcissistic parent’s cruel, wanton projections. The cruel words and criticisms that you at times still hear inside of your mind were manifestations of your narcissistic parent’s psychopathology and had nothing to do with your true essence. You were on the receiving end as an innocent child who was blameless. Take this truth inside and let it resonate deeply within you. Rest in knowing that you were an innocent, a precious child. Feel this deeply in yourself now.

Practice self care each day. Make it simple and do it your way. Get the rest and sleep that you need . If you have trouble sleeping and falling back to sleep, rest. Do not be judgmental when you have difficulty sleeping. Eat nourishing food, organic if possible. Hydrate well with pure water. Movement and exercise reduce stress, stretch our muscle and make us stronger with greater endurance. Spend time with Nature. Allow its beauty and mystery to captivate you in its magic. When we are engrossed in Nature in the moment we are healing and restoring ourselves.

5.Tap into your creativity each day. This takes as many forms as there are individuals. Think of all the ways you are creative: drawing, painting, sketching, sewing, cooking, baking, singing, dancing, chanting, gardening, all forms of writing, doing research on what fascinates, you, crocheting, knitting, sewing, quilting, photography, woodworking, ceramics, night dreaming, daydreaming, reveries.

And —Be Kind To Yourself!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.