Covert Narcissist - The Narcissist In Your Life

Rescue Yourself from the Pernicious Shadow of the High Level Narcissist

“..Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. At all counts, it forms an unconscious snag, thwarting our most well-meant intentions.” Carl Jung

Trapped in a marriage or partnership with a pernicious high level narcissist, an individual obsessed with self and public image, with extreme self-entitlement, very low conscience capacity, often an infant terrible with a dreadful temper that is projected out on to you behind closed doors. This is horrifying to the spouse or child of the high level narcissist. There are the severe criticisms, the humiliations, the exhausting over the top demands, the blatant hypocrisy, the incessant lying in every form imaginable. More lying to cover other lies; this is endless with the narcissistic personality.

The high level carries from within a primitive, seething Shadow that ejects venom in various forms on to you: false accusations, recriminations, incessant criticisms, withering projections that send you into the dark reaches of the fight or flight nervous system, the sympathetic mode. You are at the mercy of the narcissist rampant regressed Shadow. The high level vehemently blames you for the pernicious traits, deeds and words that he/she is constantly using. The narcissist never owns his wrongdoings since he believes that he is perfect. It is in private that you shudder and cower as the spouse takes the full brunt of the narcissistic partner’s disowned shadow.

The opposite occurs in public with the high level who worships his image. Here there is a major shift – the look of the face, the eyes, the movements, pace, style are transformed. We are now under the spell of the narcissist’s very convincing charm offensive mode. The narcissist, an incredible method actor lights up with this charming, charismatic false self. He/she turns it on like a light switch, a transformation that is highly impressive.

Only you and a small soupcon of others know who this narcissist truly is, a regressed, selfish, self-aggrandizing, greedy, callous, manipulative, ruthless human being.

How much longer can you tolerate the scream fits, volleys of temper, scathing glances, belittling that leave you psychologically and physically weakened. You don’t and never did deserve to be treated this way.

Make a stand now for yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and deference.

With this new opening and beginning you move forward along the pathway of your individuality and creativity, restoration.

You belong to yourself again – spontaneity, joy, awe, beauty, solitude, independence of thought, full appreciation and expressions of yourself.

I want to share some thoughts about the Shadow with you.

For tens of thousands of years man has been dealing with his Shadow in a variety of ways. Going back to the dawn of time when man first walked the earth upright, he has been infused with the Shadow parts of himself found in the deep unconscious of his psyche.

In primitive cultures there were rituals that provided an outlet and understanding for integrating the shadow within the group and the individual.

Today we are still facing our Shadows. For many the Shadow remains completely unrecognized by the conscious psyche of the individual. As human we carry the inheritance of our Shadow selves. This is not a curse but an incredible boon to those who seek wholeness, individuation and the promise and fulfillment of one’s unique creativity.

We contain the distinct DNA of our ancestors of thousands of years ago. We carry these imprints inside of our body/minds. I gain comfort and strength and a sense of gratefulness to my brothers and sisters of so long ago with whom we share that which defines us as humans. Where we walk those who have trodden over the millennia, make the earth their home. We have much to learn from our instincts and innate pre-ancient wisdom that is part of every one of our cells and our very consciousness.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists Spew Their Vile Shadows on to Their Spouses and Children

High Level Narcissists Spew Their Vile Shadows on Their Spouses and Children

Quoting from my book: Recovering and Healing After the Narcissist:

”Psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung introduced the archetype of the Shadow, that part of the psyche that…t is largely unconscious and dispossessed…Those who have no conscious acquaintance with their shadow, project forgotten, forbidden and disowned parts of themselves on to others in destructive ways.”

“Those who have no conscious acquaintance with their shadow, project psychologically disowned pars of themselves on to others. When kept out of conscious awareness, the shadow overruns the personality. Like the shadow of the moon in mid-day eclipses the sun, everything becomes dark. The disowned shadow takes retribution against the closed personality, revealing itself in highly destructive ways. The shadow elements that control an individual’s personality are a lethal poison that re projected on to those closest to him—spouses, children and other family members.”

“One way or another, the shadow seeps out, rushes from its hiding place and floods the personality.”

The high level narcissist, though charming, accomplished and charismatic, is psychologically shallow. For most it is the achievement of the perfect image and persona that supersedes the personality.

The high level uses a series of powerful defense mechanisms that keep him/her from searching for self-truth and insight. This is not their focus. They are driven to succeed in the world, they compete and win against others who would dare to compete with them. Their values are materialistic, have a surface veneer that shines brightly on the outside and hides the shallow empty horrors deep in their disturbed psyches.

Throughout their days, the high level uses the powerful defense of denial which allow him to create his own sense of reality. The high level is gifted at putting together a flawless package of privilege, luxury, surface beauty, indulgences beyond the imagination. A voluptuary to the core, the high level seeks unending multiple pleasures.

Deep inside the high level has concealed the dark, vile, aggressive parts of himself/herself that seethe with frustration, self-loathing, bottomless emptiness.

Spouses and children of the high level narcissist become recipients of the vomiting of this horrid, ugly brew.

These events become frequent upon the part of the high level narcissist who is blaise about his primitive multiple transgressions against those closest to him. At times he blames the victim for his horrific behavior. High levels don’t apologize for their outrageous behaviors

It is automatic for the high level for taking no blame since these individuals don’t develop a conscience. Of course they draw the line on deeds that will get them into trouble.

With research and intuitive wisdom you recognize that you can no longer share yourself with a loathsome being who is transforming himself often into a permanent terrifying vile version of Mister Hyde.

You are fully awake and aware. Now is your time for separating yourself away from this daily nightmare. You deserve to continue your process of evolutions as an individual who experiences solitude, inner peace, the gifts of your creativity, the company of those whom you can trust and who support and encourage your continued development as a person of insight, integrity and seeker of the truth. You are on your way. Give yourself special attribution for the journey you are taking on the pathway of the original self.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissist – Notorious Exploiter

Quoting from my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life:

“A …high level…narcissist doesn’t waste time on those who cannot perform for him/her. By seduction or guile he draws to himself those who will feed his constant need for power and admiration. Narcissists use personal relationships as stepping-stones and way stations to success. They perpetually scan their environments. Assessing their power positions, ever vigilant for those who will lead them to their next goal. The narcissistic personality values himself alone. Others are simply objects and vehicles who will satisfy his perpetual need for power and recognition. Throughout his personal and professional life, he manipulate everyone who crosses his path—spouses, lovers, children, business associates, friends…

The …high level…narcissist surrounds himself with individuals who act as extensions of himself. He fuses with those who will protect and expand his grandiose sense of self…..Those who work for or live with a narcissistic personality know that survival with him/her is always precarious. If luck holds and fate is kind, some chosen followers weather the unrelenting rages and demands that spill out of the narcissistic psyche…There is always a time certain when a relationship with a narcissist will end. Followers are discharge when their gilt has faded. They have become sexually and physically less attractive, their competitive edge is blunted, they have lost their slice of worldly power…”

The high level is finished with you and dispatches you to the hinterlands of obscurity and anonymnify. You are faded, worn and exhausted and as a result the high level narcissist has neither time nor money nor attention for you. The high level doesn’t run with those who are truly humble, good, true, fair or pure of heart.

You are the opposite of the hypocritical high level narcissist who preys on the goodness of others.

Fine character is scarce these days – It seems like almost everyone has a price – meaning they can be bought and sold for the coin of the realm, feeding frenzies of extravagance, psychological and emotional dominance of others..

But you are different: True to your unique individuality, ever-present–You show up always as yourself. Be lifted by your beautiful, vital character, conscience, empathy, kindness, psychological and spiritual stamina.

You can’t imagine being any other way. Thank God!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Leaving the High Level Narcissist’s Golden Circle

Setting the stage for the true nature of the high level narcissist, quote from my book: Freeing Yourself From the Narcissist in Your Life: “Like water cascading down a falls, compliments and tributes must flow to the narcissist at all times. ..The narcissist recounts endless stories of his triumphs and expects others to tell him “how wonderful he is.”

“Followers of the narcissist, especially those closest to him/her—spouses, mistresses, children, partners—squander their potential.” They have turned themselves over to a callous exploitative parental figure who makes all the decisions.

Members of this golden circle become exhausted by the outrageous demands of the high level narcissist’s constant rages and demeaning humiliations. Living only to please and appease an imperious narcissist, combined with mounting erosions of their personal and professional opportunities wear very thin.

If you have been a member of the high level narcissist’s golden circle you remember the dreadful experience of what happened behind closed doors with one of these highly demanding, controlling and cruel individuals.

There comes a time when you recognize that you must choose to separate and leave the tarnished golden circle of the high level narcissist and become free to be your true self, to rediscover your unique creative gifts, and develop healthy psychological and daily practices of deep inner peace.

Give yourself tremendous credit for putting yourself first and choosing your unique invaluable individuality and creative gifts and healing, restoration and evolution.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Despicable Greed of High Level Narcissists

Today we are surrounded by countless greedy narcissists in a society that has become exceedingly materialistic, coarse, Darwinian, soulless.

There are outstanding exceptions in high consciousness individuals who are psychologically and emotionally evolved, with fine characters. These are transparent, without act or artiface – No false selves. It is so comforting to know these people of the truth who are wise, transparent, kind with conscience. They can neither be bought nor compromised.

The high level narcissist is all act: false, cunning, acquisitive and very greedy.

Psychologically empty inside, he is always searching for more while he treats others without mercy or respect.

The greediest are the haves, the have mores and the have mosts always in an acquisitive state that feeds their hungry egos. They go after what you have – investments, properties, residences, businesses, valuable possessions, trusts, works of art.

They feed off of your creativity and steal your projects. – all the while leading you to believe that they are collaborating and contributing to your success.

Narcissists are never team players. This is a pretense, a strategy a ruse, a well honed act to gain your trust and ultimately to control you and the products of your unique creativity.

No matter how much they have for the high level narcissist it is never enough. The fever of acquisitiveness rises with every acquisition. You cannot win with these individuals if you stay partnered with them unless you are willing to become their psychological prisoners and forfeit your individuality, your unique gifts and your inner peace. Some of those who remain aligned with the high level narcissist are in a state of permanent delusion. They have fused with the narcissist and unable to extricate themselves from this psychopathological state.

The high level narcissist doesn’t care if you are left with nothing. They get what they want, discard you and move on to the next shining prize.

High level narcissists get away with their dirty despicable greed. Many in today’s society applaud them or turn a blind eye to their multiple cruelties.

There is hope and redemption with those who remain steady in their grounded fine characters, steady and rising in their creative gifts. We find them along the road less traveled, the pathway of the authentic self that speaks to you each day. Listen to the voice of your intuition.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists Demean those below their social class

High level narcissists are so taken with themselves, believing they are superior human beings. This is often based on their accumulation of wealth, possessions, circles of influence.

They are unable and unwilling to acknowledge that someone who is not in their social class has intrinsic value as an individual.

High level narcissist, lost in permanent delusion, a lotus eater, a consummate pleasure seeker. Rather than deal with difficult issues or the consequences of his cruel deeds the high level narcissist adopts a pattern of escaping, buying, brokering, deal making, a lifestyle of bold acquisition.

The high level narcissist does not go deeply inside himself to seek a higher consciousness or offer comfort, solace or kindness to others. The high level is greedy, always wanting something for himself, even if it belong to someone else.

High level narcissists can be extremely cruel and demeaning to those who are not in their social class, their golden circle. They truly believe that they have “made it” and are superior to you because they have a level of wealth and social power that you do not possess.

The high level looks you over and finds you wanting, especially if you are lower class. You clothing looks cheap – Maybe you only have one change of clothes. Your shoes are inexpensive, even second hand,, Your hair is clean but not cut expertly or shining with highlights and shimmering curlicues.

You are intelligent, well spoken, a voracious reader, deep thinker and thoughtful. None of this matters to the hl since you don’t make the grade in your physical appearance, nor did you attend the right prestigious schools, or grow up in high society neighborhoods.

It is outrageous to think that an individual like this gets away with being so deluded and horribly cruel and incredibly ignorant.

The dismissive cold look directed at you by one of these despicable people is meant to cause you deep shame.

Will you don’t respond to these regressed, inappropriate, cruel behaviors.

You have a very clear sense of who you are, an authentic person of value, integrity, creative gifts who is evolving psychologically, creatively and spiritually.

Be proud of yourself for your tremendous qualities of discernment, a deep knowing about what is truly real and valuable.

You find those who, like you are on the road less traveled, a fine pathway that leads to your transformation and evolution as an individual.

Great work!

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

High Level Narcissists Cause You Perpetual Extreme Exhaustion

You have always thought that when you get very tired, even exhausted, that sleeping and resting would bounce you right back to your vital energy.This has worked for you in the past; not now.

Year after year, decade after decade you have remained married to and partnered with the high level narcissist. There have been so many perks to this union: trips, treks, lovely residences, socializing with the brightest and most successful. You knew how to make your partner shine in these venues.

You are his/her greatest asset, narcissistic supply. You are bright, attractive with a perfect appearance, phenomenal manners, socially sophisticated, able to talk with anyone and make them feel terrific about themselves.

You have been the “fixer” throughout this marriage, the one that knows how to smooth over your spouse’s most awkward, rude and callous behaviors. You were always there to set things right.

With a full career of your own, you made invaluable contributions to your spouse’s professional and social image. You introduced him to influential individuals, contacts that are directly linked to his climb to success.

Your exceedingly demanding roles throughout the marriage have taken a psychophysiological toll. Within the last year you have noticed that you are not springing back from your spouse’s endless rage fests, cruel recriminations, litanies of lies, accusations, humiliations.

You feel exhausted now in a different way; it is deeper and unrelenting. Even when you rest, you sense you have few or no reserves. What is happening to you? It is a possible that your oxidative stress has reached a very high level. It is possible that you have HPA axis disorder (hypothalamus, pituitary, adrenal) a dysregulation of hormones that causes a variety of symptoms including unremitting exhaustion, insomnia, digestive disorders, mood swings, blood sugar imbalances, difficulty getting up in the morning, complete lack of motivation. (There can be many reasons for these symptoms)

Pay attention to the signals you are receiving from your body/mind. Listen to your intuitive messages.

Your high level narcissistic spouse is causing you extreme chronic distress.

You are entitled to down time, rest, sleep, nourishing food, gentle movement when you can, good hydration, ways of comforting yourself – listening to books, reading for enjoyment and distraction, listening to beautiful music. Pay attention to your inner wisdom not the narcissistic spouse.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

The Malicious Hypocrisy of the High Level Narcissist

Many people are so taken with the compelling, thrilling, seductive self image of the high level narcissist that they are incapable and unwilling to perceive these malevolent individuals for who they truly are – vile exploiters of those whom they psychologically and mentally control. With cunning, a contagion of charm and promises of worldly success, the high level narcissist moves through his/her days with ebullient confidence.

Their delusions of grandeur and perfection are seamless. Their upward trajectory can be explained by their obsession with self aggrandizement and lack of conscience. Now they are very clever when they go over and through moral issues that could mar their perfect personas.

They make sure that someone else is always blamed – often an associate or marital partner who doesn’t understand how virulent this personality is.

They do not suffer the burden of conscience. This work for them so well. Conscience requires a lot of work. It involves thinking about the welfare of others, making sure that we are making moral decisions.

This does not exist in the repertoire of the high level narcissist. Their obsessive focus is always themselves, what they are entitled to have, whom they will control, how much money and power they will acquire, how they will defeat their enemies – real and imagined, while maintaining an impeccable persona.

Having morals and a fine solid character do not apply to high level narcissists. These individuals are superbly over-entitled. They defy the rules – these apply to others whom they view as inferior in every way.

A quote from my book: Freeing yourself from the narcissist in your life summarizes these qualities:

“The narcissist has an incredible sense of self-entitlement. Everything is about him and belongs to him. He smoothly oversteps the personal boundaries of others, mistreating, devaluing and humiliating them to bend them to his will and his desires.”

As a result of your research and clear intuitive sight you see through the false personas, the true nature of the hypocritical high level narcissist. Whether you are the child of a high level narcissist or have been married to or partnered with one of them, you have opened your pathway to rediscovering the gifts and boons of your original true self.

Give yourself credit for your perseverance, courage, your strong belief in yourself, your mental and psychological stamina. Focus on yourself and movement into the restorative, calming pathways of the parasympathetic of self care and the full use of your unique creative gifts.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Narcissistic Spouse Weakens Your Immune System

Stress is one of the major factors in becoming physically ill. When a person is highly stressed their cortisol levels rise and their immune system can become compromised. Narcissistic spouses are stress machines. They scream, lie, manipulate, demean, humiliate and play every trick they have to maintain control over you and your life. It is remarkable to me and very sad that so many spouses are living under these extreme burden of psychological and emotional duress for years, even decades. I hear from women and men who feel trapped by their sharing their lives with narcissistic partners. Many of them keep thinking that this person who has a severe personality disorder is going to change—-eventually. That day will never come. In the meantime, the non-narcissistic spouse is being harmed on every level by these highly pathological individuals. The non-narcissistic spouse tries everything to make the marriage work, including couples therapy. Couples therapy in general does not work with narcissists. They may appear to cooperate to pacify their partner but they are being disingenuous. The narcissist may want to stay married and still play the field because he/she doesn’t want to split up the assets at this time.

You can turn yourself inside out, make yourself over, heed the narcissist’s demands and it will never be enough. The narcissist is a highly deluded person. It doesn’t matter if he is the most successful person you have met or has a close following of admirers, he is a selfish, venal, cruel and non-compassionate person.

It is time to turn to your own welfare: your physical health, emotional and psychological well being. We are in charge of our health. Even many doctors these days who go by the new book of throwing prescriptions at patients rather than going to the cause of symptoms can’t be trusted. One of the lessons of life is that we must take charge of ourselves on every level. We cannot expect even the best spouse to do it for us. We can research, consult with those who are very knowledgeable but ultimately it is up to us to make the right decisions for ourselves.

Being married to a narcissist and allowing the venom that he ejects to become embedded in you will raise your stress levels exponentially. You deserve to be healthy and strong. And part of this wellness is the strength of your immune system to fight off illness. I have been in communication with many spouses who have become physically ill as a result of overwhelming stress that they internalized that compromised their immune systems.

First and foremost—Think about yourself first–the narcissist should be very low on your list or not there at all. He has tried everything to make your life a living hell. You don’t need to take this anymore. Have a plan of action to keep yourself healthy. Learn to emotionally detach from the narcissistic spouse. In many cases you make the decision to sever the relationship. Narcissists don’t have relationships; they are incapable of psychological or emotional intimacy.

Take heart as you walk away from the narcissistic delusion. You have insight into your inner self and all of your creative gifts and energies. You are entitled to live without the constant stress that is emblematic of life with the narcissist. You have come to a fork in the road. Choose the pathway that works for you. You will find the right direction based on your research, thinking and your deep intuition.

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Are You Married to a Jekyll Hyde Covert Narcissist?

The Covert Narcissist has become one of the most prominent corrosive individuals of our current society. Wearing clever masks of disguise, the covert narcissist fools almost everyone. The covert conceals his true self, often appearing to be humble and self effacing.

An extreme example of the covert narcissist is the Jekyll Hyde manifestation. In the story by Robert Lewis Stevenson, Dr. Jekyll is experimenting with a potion that transforms him into a dark monstrous figure called Mr. Hyde. Mr. Hyde is vile, enraged, out of control and conscienceless.

Some individuals are married to a Jekyll Hyde version of the covert narcissist. In public this person effects a very convincing Dr. Jekyll – quiet charm, congenial, friendly, helpful, trustworthy, honest. This is the public face of the covert narcissist. Behind closed doors in the privacy of the family home, Mr. Hyde appears in full. With constant ugly primitive projections of volcanic rage, humiliations, withering criticisms, the covert narcissist creates a horrendous, nightmarish environment for his spouse.

The partner or spouse of the covert narcissist survives in a state of constant psychological and emotional siege. Each moment this individual is at the mercy of the flight or fight mode – hyper -vigilant, sleepless, weary and wary. For them there is no rest or letting down. Being married to a covert Jekyll Hyde narcissist is exceedingly stressful.

When you are married to a Jekyll Hyde covert narcissist you are always on the defensive, wondering who will appear in the next moment: the calm, bright, affable Dr. Jekyll or the grotesque, vile, raging ogre – Mr. Hyde.

There is an accumulation of chronic stress, exhaustion and extreme duress that leads you to a point of decision to divorce the covert narcissist – to free yourself from this daily psychological and emotional oppression.

By making this decision you are putting yourself first, moving forward to individuate from this pathological non-marriage. Divorcing a covert narcissist is not easy. It is a long tough journey. However, there are many individuals who have successfully freed themselves from these non-marriages.

You are up to the task of moving forward as a unique, persevering, strong, resilient individual to claim your independence from this form of cruelty and oppression.

As you move forward in this process of individuation you are freed to enjoy the full use of all of your creative gifts. You are striding along the pathways of the true, authentic original self.