Stop Acting As the High Level Narcissist’s Primary Source of Narcissistic Supply

It is very difficult for anyone to change—most of all the narcissist. This is a fixed, written in ancient stone personality disorder. The narcissist has defense mechanisms–massive denial, repression and primitive projection that are like barriers of steel. They cannot be penetrated. Once in a while you might see a glimmer of light but that is rare and fleeting. They immediately return to their grand delusions. As they grow older narcisssistic traits become more deeply ingrained. After all they have played this role all of their lives and succeeded in controlling others. Why would they have any motivation to change now? Narcissists have intimidated everyone around all of their lives and gotten their way. They have succeeded in a sense. With the narcissistic style of this current society all of the kudos they receive is not surprising. It is daunting that so many people look up to and are fooled by these individuals.

Narcissists do exactly what they want. Some narcissistic men find that even into their six, seven or eight decades on earth that it is time to have a child with a woman who is many times younger than one of his older children. This boggles many minds but the narcissist pursues his goal. There is no concern that this baby who will be produced in the young womb of his new wife will know a father who is a very old man. That doesn’t matter to the narcissist. What is essential is the ultimate narcissistic supply of the moment: “Let’s have a baby!” This sounds like:”Let’s buy a new house or a fancy new car.” But to have another human being that arises from your seed is the ultimate narcissistic supply. I find this both irresponsible and nauseating. But not eye popping for a superannuated narcissistic man. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

When you meet a narcissist—especially a very smooth attractive one–you would never guess that he/she is decimating his family—spouses, children, siblings, in-laws, grandparents, etc. Narcissists go viral. Their venom spreads out to every family member. There are some individuals who even as small children know that there is something very wrong with their mother or father, that this person is toxic to them. They keep their emotional distance from this person whom they are asked to call mother or father. Some family members survive by becoming invisible. As soon as they are able they spend long periods of time away from their home. Or they find hiding places in their rooms or outside. They learn how to avoid their own parent. They emotionally detach themselves from the narcissistic parent. In some cases there is an aunt or grandparent from whom they can get some of the warmth and love that they need and deserve.

Other family members–spouses and children–go along with the pathological thinking and behaviors of the narcissistic parent. They will tell you how much they love the narcissistic parent who is crushing them. They have never made a psychological separation from this poisonous person. Even in middle age, they are still holding on to a non-parent who has taken their lives away. They will not become separate individuals. Some children in the family are chosen to be the special ones who represent the narcissist’s power, brilliance, talent, physical attractiveness and magnetism. Many consider them the lucky ones. They are treated like little gods but they are not real people. They are pariahs who are allowed to emotionally harm their siblings. They are raised to the heights by the parents and believe they are perfect and superior. They treat their siblings like dirt, lie about them, get them into serious trouble with the narcissistic parent, etc.

These dark narcissistic family patterns do not stop. Fortunately, there are individuals within these families who grow up to be genuine, solid, kind and productive human beings. Your best offensive is to learn everything you can about the narcissistic personality. Are you about to marry a narcissist? Find out now before you take that fateful step. Visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

By definition sabotage is a “treacherous action.” Treachery when perpetrated upon a family member means destruction and annihilation. It is beyond ruthlessness.

Growing up in a narcissistic family is like being in the middle of a deadly fire fight twenty four hours a day. The child who survives these skirmishes and all out wars is truly remarkable. I hear and read life stories of those who found survival techniques. Many of them hid in their own hoes, spent time with friends to keep out of the war zone, slipped their minds away into books, video games, drawing, writing, other creative activities. Some children were fortunate to have a grand parent who would give them times of respite.

Some children who have this experience are in a constant state of anxiety–fight or flight syndrome.The narcissist–mother or father or both rule the household. Screams and demands–slaps and threats can be heard and experienced frequently in these homes. The narcissist lives for himself (herself) alone. Narcissists don’t love their children. They use them to prop up their egos if they perceive that a particular child can add to their perfect image. In this case the child is indulged. The rest of the kids are cast aside and neglected or treated abysmally. Some of these children find ingenious ways to save their sense of self, to conceal their creative gifts but continue to use them and to keep the inner fire of a sense of self burning brightly. I have known individuals who have been able to accomplish this despite all of the narcissistic pathology of their mother or father or both parents.

Adult children continue to heal through skilled psychotherapy and many forms of bringing the body/mind back into balance: gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, full use of your creativity. You can heal. You will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality in-depth, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.

Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: lmlphd@thenarcissistinyourlife

So many adult children of narcissistic mothers and/or fathers hold on to their suffering—not on purpose but unconsciously because that has been their reality all of their lives. From the time they could barely walk and talk they were psychologically bruised and bloodied by the narcissistic parent. Every day there was a new accusation, a criticism that cut through to the bone, a smirk that said: “You are worthless; I wish you had never been born.” “Why can’t you be like your brilliant older sister who gets all A’s.” “You have an uneven nose and thin lips. We’ll have to take you to a plastic surgeon later on so you don’t embarrass the family.”

“Sometimes you smell; it disgusts me.” And on and on—an endless road of insults that wound the heart and shake the nerves. Yet you have survived this gulag of abuse. That is a great accomplishment and you have done it with you humanity intact.

Know that you have a right to heal—-completely. You can disengage yourself from all of the cruel, malicious blows of your narcissistic parent. You don’t have to carry these burdens any longer. Begin by recognizing that although you share the DNA of your narcissistic parent, you are a separate individual. You are entitled to develop all of your talents and gifts fully. You are entitled to feel a deep inner peace and a love for yourself. You are entitled to be healthy in body, mind and spirit. You have a separate life that is precious. You are entitled to resurrect your humor, the sing when you feel happy, to embrace others, to be spontaneous, to live fully in this moment. Some children of narcissistic parents benefit from psychotherapy.Do the research and make sure that your therapist is highly trained, devoted to her/his clients and very empathic. Make sure you don’t sense a money motive and especially check it out to rule out a narcissistic psychotherapist. They are out there, victimizing vulnerable clients. There are many healing pathways. Find the ones that work for you–gentle yoga, meditation, support groups, creative endeavors that put you in touch with the unlimited use of your imagination. Some form of exercise is very valuable in keeping your body strong, your nerves quiet and your mind clear. Become aware of the precious moment: the tiny sound of the hummingbird over your head–greeting you, the wind wafting through your nostrils, the full smile of a happy baby, the warm hug of a friend, the moon at night darting in and out of the clouds. the lake of stars above like a diamond tiara—-endless moments of beauty. You can and will heal. To learn about the narcissistic personality, visit my website:thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

The beginning of healing is recognizing that you are worthy and that you have unique value as an individual. This can be difficult for those who not only married narcissists but grew up with a narcissistic mother or father. From the beginning of life you were treated like an object or less. No one gave you the special attention you needed, even as a small child. Your basic physical needs may have been taken care of (or not) but there was no emotional contact or understanding with the narcissistic parent. This person was so preoccupied to himself/herself that you were invisible to them. In other cases you were the punching bag. The narcissistic parent was constantly enraged and you were conveniently there to receive the blows–the humiliations, criticisms, threats, intimidations. You can still remember the primal sounds of your narcissistic mother’s screams; the way she looked at you with pure hatred. You felt yourself grow cold. Your intestines roiled inside. You thought you were going to die on the spot. Some children become emotionally frozen and feel numb. They learn to go into this state to protect themselves. Some narcissists parents have special sadistic punishments–putting you in a locked closet most of the day. There you sat and cried, unable to breathe, not knowing when you would be released. You felt terror roar throughout your body and mind. Finally you whimpered yourself to sleep. Some narcissistic parents treat their children like servants. Small children must clean the house, wash the clothing and wait on the narcissistic mother or father. There is no mercy behind the walls of this house. Those on the outside never know that this malevolent treatment is taking place.

You can and will heal from your narcissistic mother, father, spouse, sibling. One of the most significant roles here is in putting your healing first–make it a priority. You have been living in the fight or flight mode most of your life. It is essential that you begin to have experiences within your self that feel safe and calm. Each person finds his own pathway to healing. We take from different disciplines and practices. One that helps many people is the use of the breath to calm the body/mind. This can work through the practice of gentle hatha yoga poses with emphasis on the breath moving in and out of the nostrils. When we do a pose we are gentle with ourselves. There is no need to strain or push. There is nothing to attain. Be present with yourself and pay attention to your breath. If you are unfamiliar with yoga it might be helpful to find a class with a teacher who is skilled but also highly empathic and calm. True yoga is uncompetitive. It is a practice that has developed over thousands of years and is very effective for many in achieving greater calmness within the body and mind. Another method of treatment is acupuncture. This is not for everyone. Some people are afraid of needles (although they are very thin). Finding the right practitioner is very important. This is someone who is highly skilled and experienced and whose ego is dropped. Besides this, you want to see an acupuncturist who does not have a money motive but a healing motive in treating patients. Acupuncture treatments lead the patient to experience the parasympathetic nervous system, that part of us that is very calm and feels safe and protected. We rest in a deep security as we let go and ground with the experience.

Writing regularly for yourself alone is another form of healing from the narcissist. It frees up your mind and emotions. You are expressing feelings as you release them. There are no judgments to make as you write. It flows from you. Spending time with Nature is also very healing. We see the intricacies and beauty of the natural world and are amazed by them. Some people have small gardens and find that focusing in the present on their plants and flowers is part of their healing process. Meditation for some of those who are recovering can be a source of comfort, quieting the mind and focus. Do not be judgmental when you meditate. Meditation is not the absence of thought. It is the effort that matters the most, not the time you put in. One minute of meditation or prayer is invaluable. Some form of exercise releases body tensions and calms obsessive thinking. Choose what works for you. Find your own ways of healing. Trust yourself. You know so much about how to find you way back. The body/mind is always moving naturally toward healing. Visit my website: thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]

I recently observed a scene at a post office that I found to be both disturbing and revealing. At the front of the line, a mother was holding a carrier which contained a tiny infant. I am assuming that this was a mother and her new born child. The baby wailed during the entire time that the mother was there. The mother made no eye contact with the baby. She was preoccupied with obtaining passport papers. When the sounds from the carrier became more intense she picked up the handles and mechanically swinged the container back and forth in a careless fashion. The baby continued to wail with plaintive, raw cries that didn’t have the tone of hunger but one of desperation. The baby stopped for short periods of time, gathered its strength and resumed his pleas. At no time did the mother acknowledge the presence of the infant or make any effort to remove the baby from the carrier to comfort or minister to it. She was on a mission that would not be interrupted, even by her distressed newborn child.

I thought about this incident and how much it metaphorically reminds me of the suffering of children of narcissistic mothers.
The narcissistic mother cares only about herself and her life. Her child is a narcissistic supply, a kind of commodity from whom she receives narcissistic supplies (ego satisfactions) Although many of these mothers appear to take care for their children (feed, clothe them), genuine emotional attachment is non-existent.

A particular child can be chosen as a result of his/her physical attractiveness, intelligence, winning personality, athletic or artistic gifts, to be special as a perfect mirror of the perfection of the narcissistic mother. Another sibling is treated dismissively as it he didn’t exist. Some children of narcissistic mothers become the receptacle for her primitive, aggressive, hateful projections. They are constantly criticized and punished. Nothing that they do, say or accomplish is acknowledged, only ridiculed. The narcissistic mother has a “relationship” with her child “based on manipulation not love and respect.” “A narcissistic parent is incapable of empathy, the ability to understand or care about how someone else is feeling…A life dedicated exclusively to self cannot encompass a genuine love of one’s (child)”

Some children of narcissistic mothers follow a pattern of entering into dysfunctional, painful relationships with partners who have many of the personality characteristics of their mothers. Those who become aware of this destructive pattern and obtain professional help are able to grieve the loss of not having a mother who genuinely loved them as an individual. Through the hard work of the healing process, children of narcissistic mothers can learn to appreciate their individuality, their unique identities and gifts, the child deep inside of them and begin life anew. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email:[email protected]

If an adult chooses to remain in a marriage to a narcissist, that is her prerogative. When you have a child with a narcissistic parent, you are the responsible party. I understand that in many instances the marital partner is unaware that she is married to a narcissist. The purpose of my blog is to inform readers about the true nature of narcissists so they can identify them and deal with them. I have spoken to clients who were unaware for years that they married a narcissistic personality and kept blaming themselves or trying to change this individual. Narcissistic personalities are most unlikely to change. They have no reason to since they believe that they are perfect and superior and that everyone else, including their immediate family, is flawed and inadequate. Some women decide that it is better and they tell themselves, easier, to stay with a narcissistic husband than to take the risk of leaving that can mean facing financial instability and the perils of re-starting their lives alone. When a woman has children with a narcissist, this is a game changer. One way or the other the narcissistic father will have a variation of negative psychological and emotional effects on his child. No amount of good mothering within a narcissistic family constellation will erase every bit of damage that the narcissistic father imposes on his child. For him, the child is an object, a narcissistic supply he can use to inflate his ego. If the child does not fit his qualifications because he or she is not bright enough, beautiful or handsome, talented, etc. , the narcissistic parent will neglect and ignore this child or worse, make him or her the target of his aggressive verbal attacks. If the father finds that his child can be become a vital source of ego gratification due to his winning personality, attractiveness, intellect, etc., he will cater to this child. In some instances the fusion of the child with the narcissistic father is strong enough to create a narcissistic son or daughter despite the mother’s influence.

If you know that your spouse is a narcissist and you continue to expose your children to his psychopathology, think carefully about your options. I have found that many clients decide that they can no longer risk the day to day exposure of their children to this level of pathological toxicity. Doing what is right for our children is never easy—but it is necessary. We gave birth to them and in that act and onward we are responsible for nurturing and protecting them on every level. The course ahead may be difficult. Keepng the welfare of your children in the front of your mind is a compelling motivator. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: [email protected]

Some narcissists use lawsuits as a form of communication. Say “No” to a narcissist enough times by word and/or deed (especially when you are right and telling the truth) and if you refuse to comply to his outrageous demands, he/she will sue you. The narcissist must always get his way. There are narcissists equipped with small armies of attorneys who are ready at any time to initiate a legal suit against their “enemies.” Narcissists are infamous for hiring legal experts who will find the precise loophole that they can use to destroy your valid case against them. When you try to fight this, they threaten to counter sue, knowing there is no way that you cannot afford to lawyer-up sufficiently to win your case. This is a stark injustice but true.

Limit your interactions with narcissists. This is quite a challenge; we live in a world populated by a growing number of these personality disorders. Assess if the narcissist you are dealing with has a history of initiating unjust lawsuits. Learn how to skillfully identify the narcissistic personality so you know the kind of individual you have on your hands. If you must respond to a narcissist through the legal system, be sure that your attorney is not only highly experienced in a specific area of the law, but in addition has solid knowledge of and experience in dealing with narcissistic personalities. Visit my website:www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation
Email: [email protected]

The narcissistic style has been co-opted by a growing part of the American population. The media and entertainment business, the powerful influence of peers on growing children and the lack of true quality time given to their children by some parents are all part of this equation. People do not have to have children today. They can make the choice to live without producing children or choosing marriage. These are respectable and truthful decisions individuals can make. There is still a residue of scorn and even suspicion felt by some toward those who make these personal choices.

There is a collective self absorption and selfishness that has become the norm in many circles. There is an absence of sensitivity to the needs and suffering of others, especially those who are judged as not fitting in to an elite group. Their differentness is derided and scorned through gossip and shunning.

There is a deep fissure, a social and psychological divide that is growing exponentially. If you are materially successful, have all the right contacts, and present an image of external perfection, you are preferred even chosen. If you don’t have the impeccable image, the high professional status, you don’t make the cut. Large swaths of today’s society have been taken over by narcissists and their deluded followers.

Grandiosity, lack of conscience, ruthlessness, lack of empathy, deception and manipulation have become tools rather than bad character traits. This is especially the case with sociopathic narcissists–those individuals who have the narcissistic personality structure and also share many characteristics of the sociopath. These traits include a careless disregard for other human beings, including chronic extreme verbal abuse and stress perpetrated upon spouses and children. Sociopathic narcissists purposely seek out ways to delude and control those who will profit them materially, socially and professionally. They are gifted at leaving others “holding the bag” while they abscond with the profits of some else’s labors. Leaving another person’s life in shambles or even their entire family is of no concern or interest to the sociopathic narcissist who has adroitly moved ahead to his/her next cycle of acquisition and control.

I am in communication with a number of victims of narcissistic abuse. There is a callousness in sociopathic narcissists that overrides any authentic human feeling. In fact if you get in their way, don’t pay attention to the cues that are speaking to you clearly, they will cut you down professionally and emotionally. Sociopathic narcissists are rarely brought to justice. They surround themselves with covens of cunning attorneys who do their bidding around the clock.

Human nature is both dark and sublime. There are individuals alive today who are giving, selfless, warm, empathic and such a joy that they bring a great light into our lives. We are psychologically held by their deep authenticity and boundless personal generosity. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the book: amazon.com and amazon kindle edition
Email: [email protected]

The narcissist with his/her elaborate image of smooth self confidence, excessive self entitlement and an ability to manipulate others to bend to his will, appears to moving ahead in life at full speed. Continually in restless movement, making one business deal after another, influencing social and professional associates to invest in his projects, having a list of followers who admire and praise him, one would think that he/she is progressing at warp speed. If we judge the narcissist by his level of activity, it appears that he is always accelerating toward greater success.

Inside the narcissist’s psyche, this individual is a false deluded self. The real self of the narcissist is regressed back to early childhood. When we observe the narcissist at very close range, we are aware of this profound regression.This is evident from their attitudes and behaviors. The narcissistic rage that pours forth from them, the lack of psychological boundaries that overstep respect for others, the ruthlessness to obtain what he wants and must have at great price to others, the complete lack of empathy, the constant acts of deception, the lack of conscience—all of these traits tell us about the narcissist’s true nature. The narcissistic personality is a fixed personality disorder that is most unlikely to changed. At their core they are incapable in getting in touch with their authentic selves and therefore of evolving and moving toward psychological growth.

Those who have been involved with the narcissist—as children of a narcissistic parent, siblings of narcissistic brothers and sisters, married to and divorced by narcissistic spouses—have experienced a horrendous long ordeal at the mercy of the narcissist’s psychopathology. As you move each day to heal yourself, you are freed to grow and thrive in every aspect of your being: psychologically, mentally, physically and spiritually (in the way you define this concept) You have fought to maintain an authentic sense of self. The path ahead without the narcissist is welcoming you to now move forward with your life with renewed purpose, the flowering of your unique gifts, the freeing of your emotional expression, a sense of mental spaciousness and inner quietness. You are growing, moving forward every moment. Your horizons are expanded and open to every possibility. Visit my website: www.thenarcissistinyourlife.com

Linda Martinez-Lewi, Ph.D.
Telephone Consultation: United States and International
Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Buy the Book: Freeing Yourself from the Narcissist in Your Life
Email: [email protected]